Dr. Joy Browne's Simple Steps to Solving Any Relationship Problem

Dr. Joy Browne's Simple Steps to Solving Any Relationship Problem

Joy Browne, PhD

O ver the years, most people who've called my radio program have been unhappy, seeking my help to convince someone else to stop making them miserable. The work I do is based on my conviction that we are all capable of change. But we can change only our own behavior, not that of someone else. I believe this as fundamentally as that the sun will rise tomorrow. Ways to break free...

IDENTIFY PATTERNS

When counting or recounting your woes, listen to the words you use. If "always," "usually/tends to," "never" or "everyone" recurs, a pattern may be at work. Listen to yourself...

"Aunt Tish never liked me." "My friend Leslie has always put me down." "The people next door avoid me." (Do you hear "usually" in the last one?)

Is everybody else really that stuck? Or could it be you?

Danger: If you notice yourself feeling good about feeling bad and trying to win sympathy, beware -- you're on the wrong track.

Solution: Try to determine why people "always" and "never" do things to or for you. Aunt Tish may be unskilled at demonstrating affection... Leslie may not realize how harsh she sounds... your neighbors may have their own issues unconnected to you -- they may be busy or even assume that you are avoiding them.

TURN A NEGATIVE INTO A POSITIVE

When you feel stuck in negative patterns, apply to the situation the positive patterns that have helped you succeed in other areas of your life.

Example: Marvin yells at members of his family, who then get upset. He formerly prided himself on keeping his head in difficult situations at work. Recalling the tools he used to remain cool at the office before his recent retirement -- taking deep breaths, waiting 10 minutes to respond when angry, talking about problems, striving to see others' points of view -- he can learn to adapt those patterns to his home life.

OLD WOUNDS, NEW TRICKS

In many cases, callers to my show have made an unconscious decision to dwell on injustices of the past instead of working creatively toward a more rewarding future. As a result, they perpetuate their own unhappiness.

Examples: Shelley's husband had affairs, but, despite feeling lonely, she hasn't dated since the divorce... Margo avoids family get-togethers because she believes her daughter-in-law doesn't like her... George, eyeing a pile of rejection slips, stops writing poetry and misses it.

See my point? Yet the "stuck" quality that was clearly holding them back had to be pointed out to them. The next step -- accepting the past and moving toward the present -- became obvious.

IT'S CONTAGIOUS

You may find that the past in which you are stuck is someone else's.

Example: Sal called my radio show and said, "The woman I love is mourning her lover of 15 years who died three years ago. She says she's not ready for another committed relationship. She's 77. I'm 84 and running out of time. Should we break up?"

Sal's love is stuck in her past, a place he doesn't want to go.

Compromise: You can't rush someone else's love (or life) for your own reasons. I suggested that Sal consider his girlfriend more of a friend and less of a mate and begin to see other women.

DOORS OPEN, DOORS CLOSE

Resistance to change can be disruptive, as can change itself. Admittedly, accepting the inevitable isn't always easy. Shifting family dynamics, for example, can be rough.

One woman's stepdaughter-to-be upset her family by refusing to face the closing of a door. Grace, age 74, a widow of 16 years, called to say, "I'm engaged to Bill, who's 81. Our families are happy for us, except Bill's daughter Jane, who is having a hard time celebrating. After assisting with her dad's physical problems since her mother died six years ago, she resents me. Shouldn't Jane rejoice at her father's new life?"

Many grown children would happily cede caregiving tasks, I told Grace, but Jane may feel that having you on the scene will reduce her significance as the favored child... or see you as a rival, stealing her nurturing role.

Solution: Grace and Bill need to convince Jane that she'll always be important and loved. I recommended inviting Jane to participate in the wedding in a special way... treating her to a lavish meal... giving her a token of their appreciation. "But don't wait for her blessing before getting married," I warned. "Make her feel appreciated, and she'll probably come around in time."

If only Jane had called me.

THE LOSE-LOSE GAME

Relationships between siblings can remain stuck in their childhood dynamics. Those connections fare best without constant criticism. A classic example...

Maggie says, "My younger brother, Bob, is about to move in with our 80-year-old mother. His two marriages and a long-term relationship ended because he accused all three women of cheating on him. Mom and I have repeatedly explained that the real problem is his jealousy. He doesn't listen. She's worried that they'll fight after he moves in. What should we do?"

I told Maggie: "If you violently disagreed with Bob about politics, your best approach would be not to discuss it. Do the same about this issue."

"Give up the notion that you and your mother must convince your brother that you're right. Your mom can tell Bob, I'm looking forward to your visit. Let's agree in advance that we're not going to discuss your marriages because those conversations make us both unhappy."

ABANDON GENERALITIES

The more specific you can be about what's irking you, the better equipped you'll be to find a solution. For a jump start, pose your problem as a question. If you get stuck, call in to my radio show at 800-544-7070.

Reason: The moment you can formulate a specific question or state a need, you'll have begun to take charge of your present and your future -- and refuse to carry the bulky baggage of the past.

posted by Robert Heard at 8:21 AM