FAMILY MATTERS: SECRETS OF A HEALTHY MARRIAGE

FAMILY MATTERS: SECRETS OF A HEALTHY MARRIAGE
00:00 Mon 17 Oct 2005 - Teanna Sunberg

“UGGH. Get a room!” This is the cry, hidden behind a smile, that rings out across the halls of our home any time our four-year-old witnesses a romantic exchange, whether it be a kiss or a hug. According to many psychologists and relationship counsellors, seeing their parents in a healthy marriage gives children a lot of emotional stability.


Look around. Take a poll. It will not take long to realise that keeping a relationship healthy does not happen magically, even under the best of circumstances. Factor into the challenge added stresses, such as parenting, living in a foreign culture, and a fluctuating economy, and you could have a recipe for trouble. My colleague, Kristine Thelle, pointed out in last week’s Family Matters that expats, as a community, tend to beat the average rates of divorce compared to the divorce rates in most countries. This is great news. However, many Bulgarians feel that the divorce rate amongst the Bulgarian population is growing.


It does not require a psychology degree to figure out that keeping a marriage together takes intentional work and focus. What is interesting to discover, however, is that researchers are now pointing out the emotional benefits to children as a reason for keeping the marriage, not only together, but more importantly healthy. Studies are indicating that children are adept at reading the temperature of their parent’s relationship and alarm bells begin to go off in their minds if things grow too cold. One article on marriage by Bob Burg stated that, “The best gift parents can give their child is to love one another.” (For the entire article The Best Gift I Ever Received, go to www.burg.com)


Since I am not a counsellor or a psychologist, but I am a wife and a parent, I decided to do my kids and my husband a favour and delve more deeply into this issue. Typing key words like ‘healthy marriage’ into a search engine brought up an interesting variety of titles. They ranged from How to Make a Marriage Great, to Hot Monogamy, which, honestly speaking, are quite closely linked. While it is not my intention to promote anybody’s methods or materials, the following are a few of the points I found of personal interest. I encourage you to do your own research and share your findings over a romantic dinner with your significant someone. Your children will surely thank you later and chances are, so will your spouse.


I was personally inspired and challenged by several articles I found, including one by Dr. Joshua Coleman, who took a very sober and realistic look at the ravages of divorce in an article entitled, When a Family Man Thinks Twice (www.drjoshuacoleman.com)


In an article by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrot, a marriage counselling team, the point was made that what you say to yourself about your spouse can have a very real effect on how you think about and treat him or her. For a variety of articles on nurturing a healthy marriage from this couple, go to www.realrelationships.com


A name that popped up continuously in my search for marital literature was John Gottman PhD, who is evidently on the cutting edge of new research on the topic of healthy marriages. In fact, I first heard about him from a relatively newly married couple who recently relocated to Bulgaria. In their limited luggage allotment, they managed to find a place for his book. I am on the waiting list to borrow their copy. He has published several books, including Seven Principles of Making Your Marriage Work.


To summarise several articles that agreed in content, much of research today emphasizes the importance of keeping a marriage focused on the couple and not focused on the children. It seems that many couples, during the “family years”, let their lives revolve around their children. The seeming consensus of a variety of experts is as follows: It is imperative to make time for a date night, on a weekly basis, if at all possible. It is important to cultivate conversations that revolve around topics other than your children. It is wise to form relationships with other couples, including an occasional “double date”. If you are unsure whether your marriage has fallen into this habit, an article by Victoria Scanlan Stefanakos entitled Do Your Kids a Favour might be helpful. In an article by Shirley Glass PhD, entitled Infidelity, she points to a variety of threats to marriage, including a “child centred relationship”.


Measures, like taking time each morning over a cup of coffee to discuss the schedule, help minimise misunderstandings that can drive a wedge into a relationship. Moments over a cup of coffee are also good opportunities to discuss your expectations of marriage and share your dreams - both important for nurturing a relationship. Although arguments are inevitable, a wise and healthy couple attempts to control them in frequency and in intensity of emotion, focusing on a compatible outcome rather than engaging in combat.


Finally, just for fun, I checked About Entertainment’s website for the Top 10 Romantic Date Movies. Just in case you can’t find a babysitter or your budget is bust, throw a piece of wood on the fire, brew a cup of coffee and cuddle up.

Labels: successful marriages

posted by Robert Heard at 2:43 PM