Simple Steps Can Create A Solid Marriage
By: Jm Jackson
Issues that arise in marriages can be very complicated. Few issues are simple.
There are, however some very simple ways to keep your relationship positive and help you work your way through a lot of difficult situations.
Use these 7 tips to help you continue to nurture a positive relationship.
1. If you want your marriage healthy and positive, you have to really want to keep it that way. You have to decide that the marriage is important in your life and give it the time and attention it needs. Ask yourself daily, "Am I spending enough time and energy on the relationship?"
2. Focus on what you like and love about your spouse. Forget the negatives. We truly do get more of what we focus on. If you are having problems, begin focusing on the positive in your relationship and not the negative.
Most importantly, stop when you start to criticize your spouse. Turn your thinking to what you like about them and begin to see how your marriage gets better.
3. Kindness matters in marriages. Be kind. Very often, people in relationships treat the people closest to them worse than they treat acquaintances or even total strangers.
Go the extra step first. This week, do something kind for your spouse that you wouldn't normally do and without expectation of anything in return.
4. Show appreciation for your spouse. Make a habit of expressing appreciation. If you do, you'll find your marriage to be filled with much more happiness and joy. It might be something as simple as "I like your smile" or "Thank you for cooking dinner last night."
5. Ask for what you want. Most people expect the people who are in relationship with them to be mind readers. If you're expecting others to be psychics, you're in for a painful ride if you're in relationship with them. If you want your needs to be met, you have to tell people what these needs are.
6. Listen without judging or getting defensive. Be open to the possibility that someone else's opinion or way of doing things may be just as valid or important as yours.
Just because their way is different, doesn't make them or you wrong. If you're constantly judging, being defensive and building walls, you're not open to possibilities and to the love that is possible between two people.
7. Be willing to risk opening your heart and letting your spouse in. We can be in a relationship for many years and still not allow another person to penetrate our walls of protection. If you want to have a marriage that is alive and growing, being willing to risk is a prerequisite.
While these steps will not solve every issue they do lay the groundwork for a strong and healthy relationship.
Labels: successful marriages
How to Save A Marriage
After few years of marriage some conflicts between the couples may arise and married life may become stressful. How will you come to know that your marriage is in crisis? There are some reasons responsible for disturbed married life such as alcohol abuse, difficulty with children, financial problems, a situation when both the partners are unfaithful, major life changes and problems with fertility.
The marital relationships may be affected by the broken trust, boredom, infidelity, poor communication, lack of appreciation, addictive behavior, emotional abuse, absence of sex and no affection. When the marriage is in trouble, you should try to find out the solutions of how to save a marriage.
When you realize that something is wrong with your married life, don't just think how to save a marriage, but immediately look for the solution. You try to find out the problems and adopt some qualities to save your marriage and to stop the divorce. There are always some hopes and ways to resolve the problems your marriage. The conflicts in married life may be due to ego or some misunderstandings.
Hence, to maintain healthy relationships, you should give up ego and should take an initiative to resolve the problems in your married life. Self-assessment is a very important step to save your marriage. You should be able to think about your mistakes and develop an improvement in your behavior. Avoid doing those things that can hurt your partner.
There are some beneficial options for the problem of how to save a marriage. If you want to be a good partner, you should have a capacity to listen to your partner and understand him/her. You should be able to keep calm and talk through the problem. When your partner is talking with you, you should ask the related questions and clarify all doubts.
Good communication is a very important factor for developing the healthy relationships. You should share all problems and feelings with your partner. The most important thing is that you should fully trust your partner and never be jealous about his/her personal and professional progress.
Your approach towards your relationships and married life should be positive. Whenever there are some problems or bitterness, remember the happy moments that you had spent together and try to reignite these moments. When there are some problems, don't get disturbed or panic, just stay calm. Whenever you lose your temper during the arguments, you generally tend to say and do the things that you actually didn't mean.
One of the best ways to save a marriage is to create long-term plans with your partner. Make some plans to spend the vacations at good picnic spot. Some future plans that are made together may help to increase the intimacy. It will assure that your partner is always there for you.
Your overall personality and hygiene also have great impact on your married life. Hence, try to be always presentable that your partner likes and adopt hygienic habits. How to save a Marriage should not be a problematic issue at all.
Try some of above solutions and make your married life hassle-free and pleasant one.
Labels: successful marriages
How to save your marriage
We hear and hear about divorces everythwre. This is a sure sign that the most respected institution is indeed in great danger. We do not already pay attention to the small details that support a marriage. You do not even remember his birthday or even the first time you met. Ability to listen is much more important than talking, remember this and try to save your marriage. Everyone has desire to be heard, especially men, as this makes them feeling loved and cared for. When he is talking try to look at him straight in the eyes and keep on nodding. This is a sure way of showing him that you are attentive and he will be encouraged to keep on talking.
Try to avoid complaining. If there is anything that can make your man to miss coming home are your endless complaints just about anything he does. Save your marriage by avoiding constant complaints. Men feel inferior and he may start feeling that he is not the right one for you. You should learn that no one is perfect and accept your partner just the way he is. When you feel your partner has wronged you in any way do not start yelling and throwing plates at him but create the right atmosphere around the table then put your point across in a loving and caring manner. This will make your partner feel respected.
Avoid making love right after a quarrel because this may make your partner feel that you are blackmailing him and he may not open up to you making the sexual ordeal boring to both of you. Try going for a walk instead just to relax his mind. During the walk keep thinking positively about your partner because he is the man you have decided to spend the rest of your life with. Remind him about your first date, how loving and caring he was at that time, and what attracted you to him. This will make him save your marriage by seriously starting to think of where and when he started going wrong and what he can do to bring the fire back to your marriage.
Little niceties like “i love you” at the end of a telephone conversation can help save your marriage because your partner will know he is still the man you love and care about. You should not have very high expectations about your man. This can push him off limits as he keeps on trying to prove himself to you. Remember the world outside is very cruel so when a man comes back home he needs a bit of tenderness, encouragement and love to make him strong enough to face another day. By choosing him to be your life partner simply means you had accepted him the way he is, never try to compare him with another man. Remember that you can never change a man be contented with what you have by making each day worth living. Make him feel appreciated.
Labels: successful marriages
How to Make Your Marriage Last
By Sheri & Bob Stritof, About.com Guides to Marriage
Every marriage needs help now and then, both during the good times and when things become difficult. Here are issues that impact marriages and skills to help you deal with those issues and problems in healthy ways. Remember that most problems have solutions. Don't ignore the problems and issues in your marriage. If your marriage is in trouble, get started and make the necessary changes together that will help your marriage be a successful, long lasting union.
Create a Long Lasting Marriage
Celebrate Your Anniversaries
Increase Your Communication Skills
Discover How to Repair and Save Your Marriage
Learn From Positive and Negative Examples of Marriage
Know Which Myths and Expectations Could Hurt Your Marriage
Foster Your Intimacy With One Another
Take Care of Yourself When Coping With an Unfaithful Spouse
Face the Challenges of Interfaith, Interracial, and Intercultural Marriages
Generate Both Closeness and Boundaries with Your In-Laws
Grow Old Together
Handle Tough Issues in Your Marriage Together
Know When it is Time to Call it Quits
Create a Long Lasting Marriage
What helps keep your marriage successful and long-lasting? Long lasting marriages have characteristics and qualities that enable the couples to weather through both the good times and the bad times as they journey together on the highway of life. It helps to have a flexible attitude towards your marriage, a willingness to create a balance in the time you spend together and apart, and an openness to change.
Easy and Practical Ways to Make Your Marriage Last
Twelve Ways to Improve Your Marriage
Tips for a Long Lasting Marriage
Leave Love Notes for Your Spouse
Say I Love You
Simple Ways to Be Romantic
How to Create Quality Time for One Another
Reasons to Walk Together
A Month of Dates for Married Couples
Celebrate Your Anniversaries
Your wedding anniversaries deserve to be celebrated in memorable ways. When you celebrate your wedding anniversary each year it is an annual renewal of your commitment to one another.
1st-100th Wedding Anniversary Gift Guide
Create Memorable Anniversaries
How to Have Anniversary Greetings Sent From the White House
Proven Gift Giving Solutions
Increase Your Communication Skills
To have a successful marriage you must learn how to communicate effectively with one another. This includes listening both with your head and with your heart.
Talk With Each Other -- Not At Each Other
Why Your Spouse Won't Listen to You
Is Negativity Hurting Your Marriage?
True Listening Can Be a Challenge
Top 10 Listening Tips
How to Share What's In Your Heart With Your Spouse
Tips For When You Have to Have "The Talk"
The Eye Roll in Marriage
Keeping Secrets and Your Right to Privacy
Why Should You Bother With Daily Dialogue?
Looking for the Right Word? -- List of Feeling Words
Daily Dialogue Tips
Discover How to Repair and Save Your Marriage
If your marriage is in trouble, don't throw in the towel too quickly. Here are ways to repair and save your marriage.
Help for Troubled Marriages
How to Fight Fair
Give Your Marriage a Spring Cleaning
Coping With Stress in Your Marriage
Improve Your Health by Forgiving Your Spouse
How to Rebuild Trust
Learn From Positive and Negative Examples of Marriage
Aside from the curiosity aspect of knowing about the marriages of celebrity couples, you can learn from these couples' successes and failures.
Marriage Secrets of Celebrity Couples
Dennis Weaver on the Secret of Their Successful Marriage
Presidential Candidates' Marriages
In the Midst of Scandal, Why Political Wives Stand By Their Men
Models of Marriage
The Images of Marriage - - Four Different Perceptions
Know Which Myths and Expectations Could Hurt Your Marriage
If you believe in the myth of the fairy tale marriage in the castle on the hill, you could hurt your chances of having a successful marriage. Unrealistic expectations can set the stage for the two of you to be continually bickering with each other. Learn where some of your ideas about marriage came from and talk about your expectations.
Get Your Marriage Out of a Rut
Marriage Expectations
Marriage Myths
Foster Your Intimacy With One Another
Lack of communication about sexual problems can tear your marriage apart. If you have waited several months to talk about sexual problems with your spouse, you've waited too long.
Too Tired for Sex?
Signs of a Low Sex Marriage
When Your Husband Isn't Interested in Sex
Solutions for Women With Low Libido
Can Pornography Undermine Your Marriage?
Take Care of Yourself When Coping With an Unfaithful Spouse
If you are trying to cope after learning that your spouse cheated on you, remember that you are not the reason your spouse cheated. The decision to cheat was made by your spouse. Here's advice on what to do and what not to do during this heart breaking journey.
Warning Signs of Cheating Spouses
Should You Spy on Your Spouse?
What to Do If Your Spouse is Unfaithful -- How to Respond
Who is to Blame?
Emotional Affairs 101
Why Spouses Cheat
Common Excuses for Cheating
Face the Challenges of Interfaith, Interracial, and Intercultural Marriages
If you are in an interfaith, interracial, or intercultural marriage, the two of you have a few more challenges to face than couples of the same faith, race, or culture. Your differences in these marriages may create problems, but usually these problems can be lessened by being honest with one another about the issues.
Tell the Story Behind Your Traditions
Interfaith Marriage Stumbling Blocks
Mistakes to Avoid in Your Interfaith Marriage
Observing the Holidays as an Interfaith Couple
Interracial Marriage Coping Strategies
Interracial Marriage Challenges
Generate Both Closeness and Boundaries with Your In-Laws
Your in-laws can be a tremendous source of support and closeness for the two of you and they can also be a major problem in your marriage relationship. Here are some tips to help you bond with and cope with your in-laws.
Spending Time With Your In-Laws
Top 10 In-Laws Coping Tips
What to Do When Your Parents Disapprove of Your Marriage
What to Do When You Can't Stand Who Your Child Married
Grow Old Together
Being an empty nest couple is the beginning of a whole new marriage experience. Now you have the time to be alone together and do things you want to do, but health issues may surface. It is natural to worry when you see that your spouse isn't feeling well or has obvious medical problems. Here are tips to help when it is just the two of you again.
The Empty Nest Syndrome -- The Sad News and the Good News
What to Do When Your Spouse Won't See a Doctor
When the Bug Bites
Chronic Illness in a Marriage
Handle Tough Issues in Your Marriage Together
Finances and chores are two topics that cause couples to get divorced. Don't let these issues create a wedge between the two of you.
Why Nagging Doesn't Work
How to Divide Household Chores
Maternal Gatekeepers
Is Your Marriage Running on Empty?
Financial Advice You May Not Want to Hear
Financial Issues You Can't Avoid
Labels: successful marriages
The 5 Sides of Intimacy
Hint: It's more than just sex
By Gary D. Chapman
Henry was usually jovial and positive. Last night, however, he came late to our church meeting and didn't have much to say.
"I'll never understand women," he told me after the meeting. "My wife thinks we need more intimacy. She says we aren't as close as we used to be. I don't know what she's talking about. I thought we had a good marriage."
All-encompassing
There's something about our psychological, spiritual, and physical makeup that cries out for intimacy with another.
Are you and your spouse intimate in these ways?
Intellectual intimacy. This isn't about discussing highly intellectual ideas. The important thing is discussing your thoughts. They may be thoughts about food, finances, health, crime, work, politics. They reveal something of what's gone on in your mind throughout the day.
Social intimacy. This has to do with spending time around the events of life. Some of these events we experience together; others happen while we're apart and are shared through open communication. Much of life involves doing. When we do things together, we not only develop a sense of teamwork, we also enhance our sense of intimacy.
Emotional intimacy. Feelings are our spontaneous, emotional responses to what we encounter through the five senses. I see the fire truck racing down the road and I feel troubled. You touch my hand and I feel loved. When we share emotions, we build emotional intimacy.
Spiritual intimacy. Often the least excavated of all the foundations of marital intimacy, yet this has a significant impact on the others. It doesn't require agreement of belief on every detail. Instead, we seek to tell each other what's going on in our inner self. It's discussing our thoughts about spiritual realities. The purpose isn't agreement, but understanding.
Physical intimacy. Because men and women are different (long live their differences!), we often come at sexual intimacy in different ways. The husband's emphasis is often on the physical aspects—the seeing, touching, and climax are the focus of his attention. The wife, though, comes to sexual intimacy with more interest in the relationship. To feel loved, appreciated, and treated tenderly brings her great joy. Sexual intimacy requires understanding and responding to these differences.
Practicing intimacy
An essential ingredient of intimacy is allowing your spouse to be himself without striving to conform him to your ideals.
In intimacy, we try to grow closer together, not to eliminate the "otherness," but to enjoy it. Men and women are different and we must not, even with good intentions, seek to destroy those differences.
What keeps us from experiencing intimacy? All of us are egocentric; the world revolves around us. Yet, when we focus on self, we lose intimacy.
The opposite of self-centeredness, then, is love. Love concentrates on the well-being of the spouse. We take time to listen to the thoughts, feelings, and desires of our spouse. We seek to understand and to respond with empathy. We choose to do things with each other, even things that may not be our favorite activities, simply because we want to be with each other.
In the context of such intimacy we become supportive and caring of each other, which builds a stronger, more contented marriage.
Labels: successful marriages
Can A Relationship Survive Infidelity?
By Mybrotha.COM Staff Writer
There are usually two schools of thought on whether a relationship can survive infidelity:
You're either going to stay, or you're going to leave.
Brilliant concept, right?
But the question of whether or not your relationship can survive an adulterous affair, or any type of infidelity, depends on the foundation on which the relationship was built. It also depends on the moral makeup of the two persons in the relationship.
"Affairs usually begin with an attraction to someone you know fairly well, someone you spend time with each week -- your friends or co-workers.", says Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D, a world-renowed psychologist.
When someone in a relationship cheats, there may be a number of reasons why the person chose to step outside of the relationship. Some of these reasons may include:
Guilt
Anger
Resentment
Blame
Jealousy
Lack of affection, or love
Disappointment
Lust
As a result of being cheated on, a man may experience a whirlwind of his own emotions including anger, mis-trust, resentment, and bitterness. Along with these emotions, we also have to consider a man's morality and how he deals with ethical dilemmas. If a man feels that he has been wronged and takes it as a personal attack, relationship repair is very difficult.
Similarly, if a man had sincere feelings for his mate, then whatever was keeping the relationship together prior to the infidelity, will likely suffer.
So to answer the question of whether a relationship can survive an affair, we must understand why the infidelity began in the first place.
It has long been noted that men cheat for sex, while women cheat for love. More specifically, men tend to be more visual creatures and seem to lust after other women who may be beautiful and sexually tempting.
Women, on the other hand, tend to cheat when there is love and affection lacking in the relationship.
For whatever reason, a man may find himself on the difficult end of an adulterous affair when he painfully watches his mates entertain another man. This is in no way advocating infidelity for those women who feel that they are being neglected by their men.
Can the relationship survive?
Yes and No.
Yes, it can survive if both persons are willing to effectively communicate about the issues, overcome the resentment, and repair the relationship. Most importanly, the person being cheated on must learn to forgive and overcome any bitterness that may be present.
However, a relationship will not survive an affair if there is ongoing mis-trust and bitterness. If you have been cheated on and feel that you can never forget or forgive your mate for her infidelity, you may be better off showing yourself to the door.
Each case is different, but surviving infidelity can be a very difficult task. Here are 3 tips for survival:
If at all possible, be sure to seek professional counseling for help in repairing your relationship
Effectively communicate with your mate about your feelings, desires, and whatever thoughts you have about improving your condition
Seek happiness in your relationship. This may sound silly, but avoid being the cause of your mate's discontent
Labels: successful marriages
Surviving Infidelity – How to survive infidelity and create an even stronger marriage than before
Here are some facts that can help in surviving infidelity in your marriage.
Surviving infidelity is possible.
It really is. But its not at all easy.
Surviving infidelity begins with an honest look at your relationship.
It’s not usually the case that a happily married person in a significant and meaningful marriage takes part in an extramarital affair. Rather, that person is usually unfaithful because they are unhappy with their marriage and therefore distract themselves with the infidelity. That doesn’t mean that the injured spouse is therefore somehow responsible for the affair. But it does mean that both of you need to acknowledge that there may have been problems in the relationship even before the affair occurred. And it means that it’s important, if you’re truly committed to surviving infidelity, that you each honestly assess the state of your relationship prior to the affair in order to determine what led to the unfaithful act.
Surviving infidelity requires taking ownership for whatever problems exist.
Clearly there were unmet needs, gaps, and missed opportunities for growth in your marriage. Affairs give us a jolt, waking us up so we can see what we need to work on. And if you’re willing to take ownership of your part in the problems and do the extremely difficult work involved in surviving infidelity, then you have the opportunity to make your marriage stronger and more fulfilling than it ever was before the infidelity took place.
Surviving infidelity demands forgiveness.
A broken promise requires healing and forgiveness. The failure to give or receive forgiveness is the reason for every marriage that fails to survive infidelity. So if you want to rebuild your lives and your marriage, prepare yourselves for some hard work.
Surviving infidelity is something other couples have experienced.
Here’s an example of a couple who came through some hard times together, survived infidelity, and ultimately established an even stronger marital relationship. They got into a social group where affairs were the norm, and when they had young children the husband admitted that he had had many affairs himself. They were then faced with the task of surviving infidelity.
They immediately realized that sacrifices were vitally necessary, so they took themselves out of the fast lane, cut themselves off from many of their friends, and completely changed their lifestyle. Through counseling they found new ways to communicate. They were much more open with each other, constantly checking in with each other emotionally.
It took a year of recovery before the wife finally made room for him. Forgiveness didn’t just happen in one moment; it took time and serious effort. He became more accountable, they both prioritized their time together, and they did everything they could think of to enhance the trust and forgiveness in their marriage. In short, they made their marriage a priority, something they hadn’t done before. As a result, they were able not only to survive infidelity, but to actually create and build something new and deeper than what had been there in the beginning.
Surviving infidelity means going to work.
To experience something like this, where you end up more than surviving infidelity, you two will need to do the intense emotional work that is required. You’ll need to each stop looking to place blame. Then you can empathize with each other, and do the work that will let you enjoy a future together—a future that just might offer you more than you’ve ever experienced before.
Labels: successful marriages
A Healthy Marriage - How To Keep Your Marriage Fit
By Richard Hamon
If there is a sad reality about all relationships, especially marriages, it is simply this: When you let go of a relationship, or neglect one, you are sure to lose it . . . in time.
Sadly, many people neglect their health, and it only hurts their marriage. Stress, poor eating habits, hectic schedules, a lack of sleep and other factors often contribute to the decline of one's health and his/her relationships.
If you want to enjoy the best possible marriage, you must give your marriage and yourself the best possible care. And you can only be at your best as a spouse, partner and friend if you are doing your best to take care of yourself!
Seven Dynamite Tips
The benefits of keeping yourself in excellent health are many: you'll feel better, you and your spouse will have more fun together, you'll both remain youthful and energetic, while staying attractive to each other, not to mention enjoying a more vibrant romantic life.
Try these seven powerful tips for boosting your health and building a rock-solid foundation for your marriage - a marriage that will stand the test of time and reward you and your beloved a thousand times over.
One: Exercise Regularly
Nothing takes the place of good ole' exercise, which supports the body in many ways, such as strengthening the heart, boosting the immune system, combating stress and giving us more energy.
Try exercising together. It is a great way to spend more time together, and it will help keep you motivated to exercise.
I recommend designing an exercise program that motivates both of you. Have FUN exercising, and you'll do it more often.
Two: Eat healthy meals
A problem area for some couples . . . this is where all couch potatoes get their start: eating an unhealthy diet or eating too much and too often. Eating on the go or stopping at fast food outlets compounds the problem.
Eating a healthy diet is essential to living a good, healthy life. Most of us need more fruits and
vegetables in our diets. More whole grains, beans and nuts, and less processed food. Fresh is
best. Learn to prepare your nutritious food creatively, and learn together.
Three: Avoid Cigarette Smoke
Smoking is a tough habit to break, but you can do it. It's actually easier to quit if you've
tried to quit several times before and failed!
Yes, if you've failed, you are that much closer to success.
Clients who have come to me for smoking cessation are always surprised when I tell them the more times they have failed the better.
By learning from your mistakes, and figuring out what went wrong last time, you can put together a smoking cessation program that actually works. Consult your doctor or other healthcare professional for assistance. Remember, too, second-hand smoke is dangerous.
Four: Keep Your Weight Respectable
Even mild obesity makes it more likely that one will get heart disease, have a stroke or develop diabetes. It's a significant risk factor in developing a variety of diseases. Controlling one's weight may seem hard, but it's no harder than being overweight and having to suffer from all the consequences.
Can't seem to drop the pounds?
You will lose weight, in time, if you follow the first and second tips of this article (exercise regularly and eat a healthy diet). Losing weight is easier when a person makes lifestyle changes. These include adopting a more active lifestyle and making permanent changes to your diet, such as eating smaller portions. Doing your own lawn mowing and gardening, as opposed to hiring someone to do it for you, can help.
Beware: get your spouse (and doctor) to work with you on this. It is very hard to lose weight if only one spouse is making dietary changes.
Stay with it. Just don't give up. Remember: slimming down can work wonders for a marriage.
Five: Get Regular Medical Exams and Screenings
Annual check-ups help detect problems early. Keep tabs on your blood pressure, blood sugar, the health of your skin, eyes and ears. Women should have regular breast cancer screenings. Men should get their prostrate checked (prostate cancer is the most common type of cancer among men). Early detection may save your life.
Six: Customize a Realistic Stress Management Program That Works For You
Remember . . . stress is a silent killer.
But if you have a stress busting system, you'll be able to deal with the stress you carry around
with you a little at a time. You won't allow stress to build up.
De-stress on a daily basis, and you will keep yourself healthy and strong.
My personal plan involves going to the mountains now and then to clear my head. I love going, and so I do it as often as I can. I exercise by hiking, biking, fishing and skiing. And I feel more at peace in the rugged and beautiful mountains.
If you need help, contact a professional trainer or a coach who can help get you on track.
Seven: Pamper Your Marriage
Take the time to pamper yourself and your mate.
When you're tired and stressed out, take a bubble bath, go fishing or take the dog for a walk in
the park. Enjoy hobbies, watch movies, relax while listening to music. How long has it been since you've taken a shower together or treated your partner to a lavish full-body massage?
Pampering means going above and beyond the call of duty.
Other Tips
Saving more money is a wonderful way to decrease stress and invest in a worry-free future, making your retirement years truly special.
Balancing Your Life will make you feel less stressed and boost your immune system . . . and your relationships will thank you.
Slowing Down and Driving More Safely will reduce your stress, increase your family's comfort, set an example for young people and save lives.
Positive Change Strategies
1. Talk about it with your spouse first. Get cooperation.
2. Explore your options and discuss possibilities.
3. Think creatively and do something different. Otherwise you'll get the same results.
4. Work and decide as a team. Stand together.
5. Give each other plenty of TLC and lots of emotional support. Be tolerant and understanding, and slow to judge.
6. Stop and think about your relationship potential. Aim higher than a run-of-the-mill relationship. You can have a special and extraordinary marriage if you try.
7. Be positive in discussing the need for change in your marriage. Don't point the finger at your spouse. Accept mutual responsibility for making your dreams come true. Act together to make your problem-solved future a reality.
In A Nutshell
You can improve your marriage by taking care of your health and helping your partner to be healthy. Don't fall prey to the temptation to neglect your health or your marriage will suffer.
Follow the seven dynamite tips for strengthening your marriage: exercise regularly, eat healthy meals, avoid cigarette smoke, keep your weight respectable, get regular medical exams and screenings, manage your stress, and pamper your marriage.
Follow these guidelines, stay with it and you'll soon notice a big difference in your marriage!
Richard Hamon is a professional therapist and coach with over 25 years of experience. His business, Relationships For Success Coaching, helps people to improve their relationships and enjoy success in all areas of their lives.
Richard has written a unique eBook, "The Ultimate Relationship Solution: How Secrets Discovered From A Near Death Experience Can Help You Ignite Passion and Realize Success in All Your Relationships." The eBook tells about an actual Near Death Experience the author had in 2003, which transformed his life and led to a series of insights, revelations and secrets about relationships.
Labels: successful marriages
FAMILY MATTERS: SECRETS OF A HEALTHY MARRIAGE
00:00 Mon 17 Oct 2005 - Teanna Sunberg
“UGGH. Get a room!” This is the cry, hidden behind a smile, that rings out across the halls of our home any time our four-year-old witnesses a romantic exchange, whether it be a kiss or a hug. According to many psychologists and relationship counsellors, seeing their parents in a healthy marriage gives children a lot of emotional stability.
Look around. Take a poll. It will not take long to realise that keeping a relationship healthy does not happen magically, even under the best of circumstances. Factor into the challenge added stresses, such as parenting, living in a foreign culture, and a fluctuating economy, and you could have a recipe for trouble. My colleague, Kristine Thelle, pointed out in last week’s Family Matters that expats, as a community, tend to beat the average rates of divorce compared to the divorce rates in most countries. This is great news. However, many Bulgarians feel that the divorce rate amongst the Bulgarian population is growing.
It does not require a psychology degree to figure out that keeping a marriage together takes intentional work and focus. What is interesting to discover, however, is that researchers are now pointing out the emotional benefits to children as a reason for keeping the marriage, not only together, but more importantly healthy. Studies are indicating that children are adept at reading the temperature of their parent’s relationship and alarm bells begin to go off in their minds if things grow too cold. One article on marriage by Bob Burg stated that, “The best gift parents can give their child is to love one another.” (For the entire article The Best Gift I Ever Received, go to www.burg.com)
Since I am not a counsellor or a psychologist, but I am a wife and a parent, I decided to do my kids and my husband a favour and delve more deeply into this issue. Typing key words like ‘healthy marriage’ into a search engine brought up an interesting variety of titles. They ranged from How to Make a Marriage Great, to Hot Monogamy, which, honestly speaking, are quite closely linked. While it is not my intention to promote anybody’s methods or materials, the following are a few of the points I found of personal interest. I encourage you to do your own research and share your findings over a romantic dinner with your significant someone. Your children will surely thank you later and chances are, so will your spouse.
I was personally inspired and challenged by several articles I found, including one by Dr. Joshua Coleman, who took a very sober and realistic look at the ravages of divorce in an article entitled, When a Family Man Thinks Twice (www.drjoshuacoleman.com)
In an article by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrot, a marriage counselling team, the point was made that what you say to yourself about your spouse can have a very real effect on how you think about and treat him or her. For a variety of articles on nurturing a healthy marriage from this couple, go to www.realrelationships.com
A name that popped up continuously in my search for marital literature was John Gottman PhD, who is evidently on the cutting edge of new research on the topic of healthy marriages. In fact, I first heard about him from a relatively newly married couple who recently relocated to Bulgaria. In their limited luggage allotment, they managed to find a place for his book. I am on the waiting list to borrow their copy. He has published several books, including Seven Principles of Making Your Marriage Work.
To summarise several articles that agreed in content, much of research today emphasizes the importance of keeping a marriage focused on the couple and not focused on the children. It seems that many couples, during the “family years”, let their lives revolve around their children. The seeming consensus of a variety of experts is as follows: It is imperative to make time for a date night, on a weekly basis, if at all possible. It is important to cultivate conversations that revolve around topics other than your children. It is wise to form relationships with other couples, including an occasional “double date”. If you are unsure whether your marriage has fallen into this habit, an article by Victoria Scanlan Stefanakos entitled Do Your Kids a Favour might be helpful. In an article by Shirley Glass PhD, entitled Infidelity, she points to a variety of threats to marriage, including a “child centred relationship”.
Measures, like taking time each morning over a cup of coffee to discuss the schedule, help minimise misunderstandings that can drive a wedge into a relationship. Moments over a cup of coffee are also good opportunities to discuss your expectations of marriage and share your dreams - both important for nurturing a relationship. Although arguments are inevitable, a wise and healthy couple attempts to control them in frequency and in intensity of emotion, focusing on a compatible outcome rather than engaging in combat.
Finally, just for fun, I checked About Entertainment’s website for the Top 10 Romantic Date Movies. Just in case you can’t find a babysitter or your budget is bust, throw a piece of wood on the fire, brew a cup of coffee and cuddle up.
Labels: successful marriages
The Five Vital Signs of a Healthy Marriage
By Gillis Triplett
Many couples that go through divorce could have avoided that financially, emotionally and spiritually traumatic voyage. The indicators of their impending marital collapse were clearly evident. So why don’t these men and women recognize the signs of the times and change directions?
The answer is actually quite simple. In all probability, they never knew the vital signs of a healthy marriage. This is one of the most crucial nuptial check-ups you’ll ever perform. It may very well bring you to restoration and save you from serious heartache and headache. Is your marriage healthy? Let’s go to the examination room and find out!
What Are Vital Signs and Why Are They So Important?
In the medical field, vital signs are used to detect and monitor medical problems. Vital signs are measurements of the body's most basic functions. These vital signs alert physicians and patients to any issues or potential health problems. Examining a person’s vital signs and implementing preventive procedures have saved many lives.
The four primary vital signs routinely monitored by healthcare providers are: (a) body temperature (b) pulse rate, (c) respiration rate, i.e., rate of breathing, and (d) blood pressure. Although blood pressure is not technically considered a vital sign, it is often measured along with the other vital signs.
What Do Vital Signs Have To Do With a Healthy Marriage?
In the same token that medical professionals measure a person’s vital signs to help determine the state of that person’s health. We can measure certain vital signs to determine the health of a marriage. Is your marriage headed into the marital danger zone? Examining these five vital signs will help you make that determination.
((((( Vital Sign #1 )))))
Do Both Spouses Feel Free To Express Themselves?
The freedom to express oneself without fear of retaliation or ridicule is a critical vital sign of a healthy marriage. When either spouse feels that expressing their feelings will result in withdrawal, hostility, a tense quarrel or fruitless verbal jousting match, they will usually start the degenerative process of refraining from communicating with their mate. In healthy marriages, both spouses have freedom of expression.
((((( Vital Sign #2 )))))
Do Both Spouses Know How To Properly Handle Conflict?
Conflict in marriage is inevitable. Regrettably, in many of our present day marriages, becoming marital combatants has become the status quo. What is the root cause of this titanic epidemic? These spouses simply don’t know how to properly handle conflict.
Dr. Markman, along with Dr. Clifford Notarius, studied 135 about-to-be-married couples. “How you handle conflict is the single most important predictor of whether your marriage will survive,” according to Dr. Markman. These researchers found that certain behavior patterns usually signaled an impending collapse in the marriage:
*When either partner -- although it is most often the male -- withdraws from conflict.
* The tendency to escalate conflict in the face of disagreement and the inability to stop fights before they get ugly.
* The tendency to invalidate the relationship by hurling insults at each other. Dr. Markman says, “one ‘zinger’ counteracts 20 positive acts of kindness.”
In healthy marriages, both spouses have learned how to properly handle disagreements and differences of opinion. Without this mandatory skill, a marriage is doomed for separation or divorce.
((((( Vital Sign #3 )))))
Do Both Spouses Value The Other’s Opinion?
A difference of opinion or perspective should not rip a marriage apart, but it often does. Usually placing a corrosive wedge between spouses. The usual culprit is not that they don’t love or care for each other, they just refuse or haven’t learned how to value their spouse’s opinion.
This is known as the silent nuptial killer! Countless individuals have developed ill feelings toward their spouse because they felt or perceived that their mate did not respect or value their opinion. In healthy marriages, both spouses esteem and regard their mate’s opinion, even if they disagree.
((((( Vital Sign #4 )))))
Have Both Spouses Learned The Art of Communication?
Anyone who has ever monitored a mass number of divorce court proceedings, including being in the “quote” mediation rooms and counseling sessions, will emphatically come to this conclusion; most couples get an “F” for failing to know the art of communication. If either spouse has this debilitating disease, the participants will tell you that conflicts seem to keep recycling… that’s because they do!
Their marital scorecard reads like a disgruntled boxer’s resume; infused with a never-ending succession of clashes, fights, problems, disputes, arguments and unresolved issues. Regrettably, these unions teem with insults, sarcasms, unforgiveness, offensive language, disunity, anger, bitterness, discord, disharmony and disrespect.
In healthy marriages, both spouses have learned the art of communication and they are committed to engaging in nutritious relations that fosters unity. They understand that they must work at creating a harmonious and wholesome environment.
((((( Vital Sign #5 )))))
Do Both Spouses Respect The Sacredness of Marriage?
Alarmingly, the critical truth that “Marriage is Sacred” is foreign to the average husband and wife. In the context of marriage, to be sacred means to be declared holy, worthy of respect and reserved for the exclusive use of wedlock. To respect means: to regard, to esteem and to avoid violation of.
Too often men and woman marry, yet they never esteemed the sanctity of the marriage covenant. It is relatively easy for men and women who have little or no regard for the sacredness of matrimony to violate their marital vows. Consequently, these individuals have no compunction about inflicting pain upon their spouse. They will effortlessly commit marital fraud, adultery, emotional torture, withhold sexual favors and engage in other types of abuse.
In healthy marriages, both the husband and wife - know, understand and respect the sacredness of the marriage covenant and their hearts are set on respecting their mate. Remember this point: reverencing your marriage vows is a choice and so is violating or disrespecting them! Which do you choose?
Your Test Results Are In!
This is how the scoring breaks down. Each question is worth 20 points. A score of zero means that your marital vital signs look great! If you scored 20 or more points, your vital signs are in the danger zone and you need to make some major adjustments.
The path you take to nuptial wholeness will vary. For some couples, the solution will be a simple but heart to heart talk about their vital signs or it may be reading a book that addresses their particular challenge.
Others may require marital or pastoral counseling, therapy or maybe a class on the art of communicating. Whatever path you need to take to get to a vibrant marital heartbeat, start it today!
Labels: successful marriages
How to Have a Healthy Loving Relationship Between Parents
by Dr. Jenn Berman
Your relationship with your spouse or partner is the emotional foundation for your entire family. Your children are counting on you not only to demonstrate what a healthy relationship looks like, but also to provide them with the safety and security they need to create their own healthy attachments as they get older.
Four Behaviors to Steer Clear Of:
Dr. John Gottman, who is a therapist who studies couples in their natural habitat (i.e. he performed long term observations and studies in his "love lab"), found that the most important predictor of the success or failure of a marriage was not whether or not a couple fought, but the ratio of positive interactions to negative interactions. According to Gottman, for a marriage to work there must be five positive interactions for every negative one.
In addition to maintaining the five-to-one ratio of positive to negative interactions to maintain a happy marriage, Gottman, who founded the Gottman Institute, identified four common predictors of divorce among married couples. Those predictors are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. He explains that couples who discuss their grievances in a relationship seem to be able to work through conflict, while those that criticize or attack the other person's character do not. According to his research, showing contempt for your partner can cause tremendous damage to a relationship. As Gottman defines contempt in this case, it is an interaction that contains sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, or hostile humor. In one study, in fact, Gottman found that wives who make sour facial expressions during conversations, which he views as an example of contempt, are likely to be separated from their husbands within four years. When a relationship has devolved to the point where a couple is regularly demonstrating their contempt for each other, they are no longer trying to get along but are communicating their disgust towards one another.
Gottman identifies defensiveness as a predictor of divorce, because it quickly and quietly erodes a marriage. When partners are defensive, they blame each other without taking responsibility for their own actions. This stalemate makes it impossible to work through conflicts at all. Stonewalling, similar to defensiveness, is equally damaging, although it can take more time for the full effects to become apparent. When even one member of a couple is guilty of stonewalling, it makes any sort of dialogue impossible, resulting in an inability to communicate and work through problems.
All's Fair in Love and War?
There are many things you can do to improve your relationship. While few couples avoid fighting completely, all couples can learn to fight fairly. Good communication and the ability to fight fair are crucial cornerstones to a healthy marriage. Some tips:
- Use "I" Statements. Instead of blaming your partner, use what therapists call "I statements." They look like this: "When you ____________(fill in the blank with a behavior). It makes me feel __________ (fill in the blank with a feeling or two). For example "When you raise your voice to me it makes me feel scared and hurt.
- Try reflective listening. Reflective listening is repeating back to your partner what he or she just said using your own words. For example, "Let me see if I understand you correctly. When I yell at you, you find it threatening and it makes you feel hurt and scared?" Often when couples fight, they are so busy constructing their next argument while their partner is talking that they don't really listen to what the other person is saying. Feeling heard in a relationship is vital to good communication.
- Change the way you begin a discussion. Gottman found that 96% of the time, the way a discussion begins predicts the way it will end. If you can start from a loving stance rather than accusatory or attacking one, the odds are better that you will resolve the conflict in a positive way.
- Take a time out. Time outs are not just for kids. Sometimes adults can benefit from a cool down period during an argument. It is important that you establish this before taking the break, so your partner doesn't think you are simply walking away. It is helpful to say something like; "I think I need a time out right now. I am too upset to think straight and need some time to calm down. Let's check back in an hour." Learning to take a loving time out is a valuable skill.
- Do a daily check in. Take the time during your day to check in and see how one another are doing. Try to touch base about your thoughts and feelings as well as how your partner's day is going. Make sure you ask if it is a good time when you call.
- Make a date night. Make sure to pick something you both enjoy. Keep the pressure low, but make sure it is adults only.
- Put the romance back into the relationship. Sharing specific information about what pleases you and agreeing to do things to please each other on a regular basis is a very good idea. If you are not sure what your partner would like, ask him or her to complete the following sentences: "I feel loved and cared about when you"_______", "I used to feel loved and cared about when you"________" and "I would love it if you would ____________."
- Let your partner influence you. Let your partner influence your decisions. Gottman found that, even in the first few months of marriage, men who allow their wives to influence them have happier marriages and are less likely to want a divorce than men who resist their wives' influence. Statistically speaking, when a man is not willing to share power with his partner, there is an 81 percent chance that his marriage will self-destruct.
Labels: successful marriages
Healthy marriage partners are compatible partners
In a marriage that is to stand the test of time, romance is important, but compatibility is critical. By and large, partners in healthy marriages come to agree upon common agendas regarding the directions their marriage will take, and the way each partner will behave. These common agreements may never have been discussed, but they will be present implicitly in how each partner chooses to act.
Areas of agreement that partners will have dealt with will generally include:
Friendship. Successful partners develop a significant friendship at the core of their relationship. They genuinely like one another, amuse and comfort one another, and prefer to spend time with each other. This friendship and mutual liking is somewhat separate from other aspects of the relationship (sexuality, for instance), and can survive the loss of these other aspects of the relationship. A strong friendship and mutual liking is often the basis for repair of troubled relationships.
Role expectations. The partners reach agreement with regard to how household responsibilities are divided and how they will behave towards each other. Traditionally, and still dominantly, the male or masculine-identified partner will take on the majority of financial obligations, while the female or feminine-identified partner will take on nurturing roles. Tradition has broken down significantly in the industrialized west over the last century, however, and it is not at all uncommon to find 'women' who take on financial obligations, 'men' who take on nurturing roles, or to find both partners sharing these roles to one degree or another. Failure to reach agreement with regard to roles can be a major source of conflict.
Emotional intimacy. Successful partners learn to trust each other, to be vulnerable with each other, to laugh together, and to support one another in times of need.
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Sexual expectations. Partners come to basic agreements as to how they will be sexual with each other. Frequently (traditionally) this means that they will be sexual with one another, and not with other people, but this is not necessarily the case. Sexual expectations may further dictate the kinds and patterns of sexual activities that each partner will and will not engage in. Coming to agreement with regard to sexuality can increase trust that couples feel for each other, and failure to reach agreement can be cause for conflict. As sexual activity is strongly rewarding and bonding for couples, it is best for marriages when partners agree upon sexual expectations and are both satisfied with their lovemaking.
Vision/Goals. Successful partners agree that they want to pursue the same life paths, values and goals and mutually commit to those paths, values and goals. Examples might include decisions to have children or not, to attend or not attend religious services, to raise a child in a particular faith, to save or spend money, or to live frugally or extravagantly, etc.
Successful marriages tend to be populated by partners who come to their marriage with pre-existing significant compatibilities (of personality, temperament, goals, etc.) that make it easier for them to reach agreement because they frequently end up wanting the same thing. They may share commonalities with regard to personality, temperament, or preferences for volatile or conflict-avoiding interactions, as well as goals, religious and ethical ideals, etc.
While these areas of agreement do tend to be present in healthy marriages, we should note that no marriage is perfect, and that many perfectly good marriages harbor disagreements with regard to some of the domains we've discussed. In general, however, the more domains you and your partner are in agreement on, the better are your chances for a healthy marriage.
Background factors play a minor role in determining marriage success.
Personality, temperament and goal compatibility is very important in determining whether a marriage will be strong. Other background factors are also important, however. Better marriages are reported by people who chose to marry later in life as opposed to younger, by people who recall being very intensely in love with their partners prior to getting married, and by people who maintain close family relationships and whose parents' approved of their marriage. Also, people identified with more traditional sex-role and religious values tend to report having higher quality marriages overall (although it isn't clear that such people aren't just reporting positive outcomes based on their desire to present themselves in a positive light). When all factors relating to marital adjustment are considered together, personality and life-goal compatibility seems to be of paramount importance, and background factors such as whether partners come from similar family, religious or economic backgrounds or whether they have similar dating histories appear to be of lessor importance.
Labels: successful marriages
HOME
Benefits of a Healthy Marriage
For Children and Youth
Researchers have found many benefits for children and youth who are raised by parents in healthy marriages, compared to unhealthy marriages, including the following:
More likely to attend college
More likely to succeed academically
Physically healthier
Emotionally healthier
Less likely to attempt or commit suicide
Demonstrate less behavioral problems in school
Less likely to be a victim of physical or sexual abuse
Less likely to abuse drugs or alcohol
Less likely to commit delinquent behaviors
Have a better relationship with their mothers and fathers
Decreases their chances of divorcing when they get married
Less likely to become pregnant as a teenager, or impregnate someone.
Less likely to be sexually active as teenagers
Less likely to contract STD's
Less likely to be raised in poverty
For Women
Researchers have found many benefits for women who are in healthy marriages, compared to unhealthy marriages, including the following:
More satisfying relationship
Emotionally healthier
Wealthier
Less likely to be victims of domestic violence, sexual assault, or other violent crimes
Less likely to attempt or commit suicide
Decrease risk of drug and alcohol abuse
Less likely to contract STD's
Less likely to remain or end up in poverty
Have better relationships with their children
Physically healthier
For Men
Researchers have found many benefits for men who are in healthy marriages, compared to unhealthy marriages, including the following:
Live longer
Physically healthier
Wealthier
Increase in the stability of employment
Higher wages
Emotionally healthier
Decrease risk of drug and alcohol abuse
Have better relationships with their children
More satisfying sexual relationship
Less likely to commit violent crimes
Less likely to contract STD's
Less likely to attempt or commit suicide
For Communities
Researchers have found many benefits for communities when they have a higher percentage of couples in healthy marriages, compared to unhealthy marriages, including the following:
Higher rates of physically healthy citizens
Higher rates of emotionally healthy citizens
Higher rates of educated citizens
Lower domestic violence rates
Lower crime statistics
Lower teen age pregnancy rates
Lower rates of juvenile delinquency
Higher rates of home ownership
Lower rates of migration
Higher property values
Decreased need for social services
Labels: successful marriages
01/30/2003
Ten Indicators of a Healthy Marriage
Writer:
Martha Filipic
Source:
Ted Futris
Editor: Marriage Week USA is Feb. 7-14, 2003.
COLUMBUS, Ohio -- A strong, healthy marriage isn't a matter of luck or romance, says Ted Futris, family life specialist for Ohio State University Extension. It takes work and compatibility.
"Some factors that contribute to a healthy relationship are static -- they're things you can't really change," Futris said. "Others are things that are dynamic -- things that you can work on to improve your relationship." Either way, they're important to know for anyone who is married or is thinking of marriage, he said.
Marriage Week USA is Feb. 7-14, and Futris hopes couples will take some time during that week to improve their relationship. Futris, a founding member of the Columbus Marriage Coalition, shares 10 indicators of a good relationship:
Fostering good communication. Happy couples talk to each other, and they listen to each other. The best communicators recognize when outside distractions or emotional states are at work to prevent good communication, and find ways to work through them when both partners are ready.
Resolving conflict in a positive way. According to the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, habitual avoidance of conflict is the No. 1 predictor of divorce. Strong relationships are earmarked by a couple's ability to handle disagreements in a positive manner.
Having realistic expectations. When people first meet, they put their best foot forward and try to mask their flaws. This is normal, but couples should realize that as time goes on, the "real" person will emerge. Relationships develop over time, but unrealistic expectations of a partner, or of a relationship, can cause undue stress.
Paying attention to details of your partner's life. People in strong marriages know their partner well. They know major events in their partner's past, and they know each other's likes, dislikes, hopes and worries. And, they keep updating this information as their partner's world changes.
Experiencing more positive interactions than negative ones. Some research indicates that successful marriages have five times as many positive interactions as negative ones. Giving positive responses to a partner's bid for attention -- whether it's a question, an extended hand, or just a glance -- strengthens the relationship.
Building trust. Trust develops slowly, but it is fostered by communicating honestly and following through on promises.
Spending time together. Sharing experiences is a good way to build a relationship. Couples who enjoy doing things together -- rather than feeling obligated or forced into doing things together -- have a stronger, healthier relationship.
Shared values. Couples who start out with a wide array of shared values -- who agree on what's important in life -- have a better chance at building a solid relationship.
Shared responsibilities. Both partners have the obligation of nurturing the relationship, keeping the household running smoothly and working toward common goals. Allowing only half of the couple to bear the brunt of these responsibilities can cause resentment to build.
Adapting to change. People and relationships change over time. That's to be expected, not feared. Even people's expectations of a relationship can change. Partners need to be able to talk about these changes and find ways to adapt to them.
These are just some indicators of healthy relationships, Futris said. To learn more, a free on-line newsletter, "Marriage Matters," is available through Ohio State University Extension at http://hec.osu.edu/famlife/marriagematters/. Additional information is available through the Web site of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, http://www.smartmarriages.com.
Labels: successful marriages
Healthy Marriage Tips
Do you think she's getting through? Do you think his reaction is helping the situation? Have you ever handled a marital conflict like either of these lions?
It's obvious that neither approach is effective in helping us manage, or resolve, conflict in a way that will strengthen our marriage rather than damage it. So, why do we keep falling into this trap?
Researchers have discovered we tend to react this way because our brains are wired for “Fight” or “Flight” during verbal conflicts. However, researchers have also discovered humans can rewire their brains to handle verbal conflicts in a constructive manner.
Five Tips to Rewire Your Brain
1. Increase the Level of Respect You Feel Towards Your Spouse. When was the last time you lost control in front of someone you greatly respected? We tend to have greater control over our words and emotions when we respect those around us. The greater the level of respect you feel towards your spouse the easier it is to listen to your spouse. A respectful tone of voice comes naturally and it is easier to think before you speak. To learn how to increase the level of respect for your spouse, read the Respect Pamphlet from the Healthy Marriage Pamphlet Series by clicking here.
2. Stay in Control. A basketball coach will call a time-out when things are getting out of control. He calms his players down and helps them focus on what they need to do to accomplish their goal. The same principle applies in marriage. Learn to call time-outs. There is no limit to the number of time-outs you have, so use them as frequently as you need. For more details on this principle, read the Time-Out Pamphlet from the Healthy Marriage Pamphlet Series by clicking here.
3. Look at the Conflict From Your Spouse's Viewpoint. Many conflicts come from simple misunderstandings. Misunderstandings can easily be discovered if you first take time to see the conflict from your spouse's viewpoint. Before you attempt to share your viewpoint make sure you completely understand your spouse's viewpoint. This exercise can also help you discover compromises you might have otherwise overlooked.
4. Change Your Conditioning. One researcher found if he rang a bell when he fed a dog, eventually he could just ring the bell and the dog would begin to salivate. The same conditioned response can happen in a marital relationship. Certain phrases such as “We need to talk” or “Your mother” can cause your heart rate to rise and your brain to kick into “Fight” or “Flight” mode.
The first step to changing this conditioned response is to recognize what is happening. Make a list of the phrases that set you off. Brainstorm with your spouse a list of alternative phrases that can be used. Before using these new phrases make sure you have a game plan in place to implement tip #5.
5. Make it Safe. It's easier to ignore the “Fight” or “Flight” urge if we feel safe in a conversation. As soon as we feel attacked or backed into a corner it's almost inevitable we will fall into “Fight” or “Flight” mode. This is why we need to work extra hard at helping our spouse feel emotionally safe during a difficult conversation.
Tone of voice, body language, facial expressions and our choice of words all significantly contribute to the level of safety our spouse feels during a conversation. If they feel threatened by any of the above, chances are pretty good they will either fight back or retreat. As soon as you sense your spouse is either fighting back or retreating, you need to immediately stop and figure out what you said or did that made them no longer feel safe. Once you figure it out apologize and make the appropriate change. If you don't stop immediately then you will likely get pulled into a downward spiral where you both end up saying things you will later regret.
By taking the time and effort to learn and implement these 5 tips you can significantly decrease the number of times you find yourself on one side or the other of this photo. But, implementing these tips isn't easy to do. Changing how you interact during difficult conversations takes time and a lot of effort. However, ask yourself if you would rather continue dealing with the emotional fall-out from acting like these lions or make some changes and prevent losing control in the first place.
A healthy and happy marriage is within the reach of all couples who put the time and effort into achieving it.
Learn even more skills and information that can help you form and sustain a healthy marriage by taking a healthy marriage education workshop. To find one in your area visit the directory of marriage education programs at the SmartMarriages website by clicking here.
Sign up for the Healthy Marriage Monthly Tip by clicking here and we will notify you when we add a new image.
Click here to see other photos of animals teaching us how to have a healthy marriage.
Labels: successful marriages
5 Keys to a Long-Term, Healthy Marriage
by Neill Neill
No one expects to have problems in their marriage. In fact, many marriages start off as good marriages. But, over time, some marriages can turn stale or even hostile. At any given time, vast numbers of couples are searching for ways to get their once-healthy marriages back on track. There are five necessary conditions or factors which together can help you maintain (or rebuild) a strong, healthy marriage that lasts.
If you were to explore, you would probably find that virtually every troubled couple has neglected one or more of these key conditions. Of course, there are other things that can cause problems in a marriage, but neglecting these points can really put your marriage at risk.
1. Look after yourself first.
If you place your highest priority on your physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual self care, you won't wake up one morning to realize you have been a household servant or a meal ticket for the past decade.
Encourage each other in self-care from the beginning and in times of greatest need you will be able to really count on each other. If you have neglected self care in your life, you or your partner may not be willing to work on your marriage when the going gets tough.
Your highest priority has to be to take care of yourself at all levels. Do whatever you need to do. Self-care is the ultimate in unselfishness.
2. Do not merge your identities.
Always remember that each of you is a person in your own right. You have an identity.
Women in many cultures are particularly vulnerable to the trap of merging their identities with their partner's, but men fall into it too. We call it "codependency" when identities merge.
If you find yourself already slipping into merger, work on getting out of it. Always defend strongly your partner's right and your own right to be your own persons. Merged identities are incompatible with a healthy marriage.
3. Enjoy the show.
Pay attention to the changes in your partner as he or she evolves throughout life, and enjoy the show. There will often be spurts of personal growth and sometimes periods of stagnation, but the constant is change. That's the flow of life.
It's truly fun to watch our kids grow. Why should watching our partners grow be any different?
There is nothing to be afraid of. In an intimate relationship you have the privilege and opportunity to observe up close the twists and turns your partner will go through as he or she evolves.
Everyone changes; it's just that the changes are more subtle in a 45 year old than in a 15 year old.
Support the growth even if you don't understand it. Expect your partner to support you too as you evolve.
When I hear someone say, "He's not the man (or woman) I married," I know they are missing this crucial point. If they say, "I can't change--that's just the way I am," they are missing the point at an even more fundamental level.
4. Never stop doing things together for fun and laughter.
No matter how difficult and serious life gets at times, never stop doing things together for fun--things that make you laugh. Laughter is a requirement of any satisfying life. Laughter with a partner is part of the cement that can keep you together for a lifetime. Neglect it at your peril!
5. If you want more excitement, take up skiing . . .
Stay deserving of your partner's trust by steadfast fidelity. No matter what, don't have an affair. It offers a very temporary burst of excitement, but it is an assault few marriages can survive. (Many times an affair is staged simply to end a marriage.)
To rebuild trust and commitment after an affair you will probably need professional help, and even then there are no guarantees you will ever regain the level of trust you once had.
If you are an excitement junkie, find a more respectful way to get adventure.
Take time today to remember why you first got married. Most marriages are worth the work for a healthy, satisfying end result.
Dr. Neill Neill, psychologist, author and columnist, maintains an active psychology and life-coaching practice, helping capable people who feel stuck. He is psychological consultant to the Sunshine Coast Health Centre, a private addiction rehab center for men. Dr. Neill writes practical articles to help you help yourself to a happier and more fulfilling life. He is the author of Living with a Functioning
Labels: successful marriages
How to maintain a healthy marriage
By meemee67
1
Compromise. You can't have your way all the time. Compromise is key. Sometimes you have to not basically give in, but be a bit more flexible and pliable. if you are too rigid and act like a child, needing to have control in every circumstance, this will only cause friction and fighting and who wants that?
Step
2
Be communicative. Talk about your day, talk about the news, a funny event, a future trip. Keeping the lines of communication open is healthy. It keeps things flowing and exciting.
Step
3
Allow for alone time. Just because your spouse wants a night out with the girls or guys, doesn't mean they don't love you. Everybody needs their own time and space with their friends or even by themselves.
Before you were a wife and a husband, you were and still are you, an individual. let go and when they get back to you after a few hours out, they will appreciate you a lot more. They will feel happier and when they are happy with themselves, they are happier with you.
Step
4
Respect their views and choices. If you are irate with your spouse because she or he didn't do what you would have done in a certain situation, understand he isn't you, she is not you. Respect and the reasons why they need to handle situations their own way. You married this person because of who they are, don't try to make them into you.
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5
Keep the romance. It isn't that we forget how to be romantic. Some of us are more so than others. It's that we tend to take for granted the people we are close to, especially our spouses.
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6
Be considerate. Don't take for granted that if your working late, you can just walk in the door at 11 pm. call, let him or her know you won't make it for dinner. If you know they can't bring their laundry in the morning because they have an extra early mtg, suggest to do them the favor. if it's you who has the car and she's on empty, fill her up. It is the little things that mean a lot. Pick up that movie they have been wanting to watch but because they know you don't want to see it, they haven't. Surprise them with flowers, a gift certificate, a shirt you thought may be nice on him , a tasting to a wine and cheese, anything you feel he or she would like, why not do it>
Step
7
Share each other's interests. Okay so he's not into meditating and she isn't into football. So what? There are other things you can find to do to share. How about camping or a night out dancing. Take up a dance class or a cooking class together? White water rafting, horseback riding, perhaps you can come together towards the end of the night and watch an old episode of seifneld or honeymooners?
Labels: successful marriages
Healthy marriage: Why love is good for you
From MayoClinic.com
The benefits of a healthy marriage have been carefully studied for decades. Statistically, people who are happily married live longer than do their single counterparts. They have lower rates of heart failure, cancer and other diseases and develop tighter networks of emotional support.
According to one Harvard University study, married women are 20 percent less likely than are single women to die of a variety of causes, including heart disease, suicide and cirrhosis of the liver. Married men enjoy an even greater benefit — they're two to three times less likely to die of such causes than are single men. Statistics have also shown married people are less likely to be victims of domestic violence, sexual assault and other violent crimes.
The upsides of healthy marriages — those which enjoy strong commitment and open lines of communications — span both mental and emotional well-being. One study states definitively that the happiness of married people is significantly greater than that of the unmarried and remains true throughout the entire life cycle.
While the benefits are clear, the reason married couples live healthier lives is more elusive. Many experts postulate that the benefits of a healthy marriage have to do with cohabitation, financial stability and networks of social support. But the prevailing explanation has to do with stress management.
Hallmarks of a healthy marriage: All roads lead to stress reduction
The detrimental effect of stress on an individual's health is well known. Cardiovascular, hormonal and immune pathways are important to a person's well-being, and stress can negatively affect these systems.
Experts reason that married couples enjoy better health partly because they're better equipped as a team to handle and defray stress than are their single counterparts.
For example, in a healthy marriage, two people share the task of mowing the lawn, bringing in income or rearing children. With two people, you have twice as many resources to address daily demands. Conversely, a single head of household is more likely to face too many demands with not enough resources — the very definition of stress.
Marriage-related stress reducers: Basic themes
Many aspects of a healthy marriage contribute to stress reduction, such as:
More money. By pooling their incomes, married couples amass greater wealth over a lifetime than do single people. In addition, husbands and wives may have individual areas of expertise that can save them money running the household. For example, a spouse handy about the home might save the family money on home repairs, while another who's good at managing finances may preclude hiring an accountant.
Further, there are economies of scale in cohabitation. A married couple can live more cheaply than can a single person by sharing housing costs, utilities, groceries and health insurance.
In these ways, marriage may improve health by improving financial stability.
Expanded support network. A healthy marriage brings together two teams of friends and family, thereby multiplying the support network upon which a couple can rely to tackle life's ups and downs. This can translate into not only physical but also mental health benefits, such as a lower probability of depression.
Improved behaviors. People make different choices and adopt different behaviors once they're married. Healthy activities generally increase, and risky behaviors typically decrease, partly due to a sense of responsibility to a spouse. The results of these changes have a positive impact on your health.
For example, a Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) study found in 2004 that married adults are about half as likely to be smokers as are single, divorced or separated adults. They're also less likely to be heavy drinkers or engage in behavior that leads to sexually transmitted diseases.
The lone exception: Weight control
The one negative health indicator for married versus single people comes in the area of weight. Studies show that married adults, particularly men, weigh more and have higher rates of obesity than do single adults. People who have never been married are the least likely to be obese.
Committed but unmarried couples don't show the same benefit
Of course, unmarried couples in a loving relationship may enjoy similar health gains. However, the CDC study indicates the relationship to health is in fact very different, in that unmarried couples don't reap as high a level of benefit as do those in a healthy marriage.
Because marriage entails a legal vow to stay together for life — often in front of family, friends and communities — the married couple and those who surround them are more likely to recognize and support that bond. Conversely, an unmarried couple doesn't receive the same social sanction and may develop a weaker network of support.
What about an unhealthy marriage?
Just as healthy marriages provide a host of benefits, unhealthy ones can have negative health consequences — such as a higher degree of depressive symptoms — as they can be an enormous source of stress.
A study of newlywed couples conducted at Ohio State University found that hostile and negative behavior was associated with a decline in immune system response. This can spur a number of health consequences, such as slower wound healing and greater susceptibility to infectious diseases.
Labels: successful marriages
A LifeCare ® Guide: Tips for a Healthy Marriage
Building and maintaining a healthy marriage takes time and effort. With the day-to-day pressures of work, children and chores it can be easy to neglect to nurture your relationship and to take your mate for granted. This guide is designed to remind you about the importance of fostering a healthy relationship. It offers basic tips to help you build a successful marriage every day.
Learn to communicate effectively. Communication is perhaps the most important key to a strong, healthy relationship. Effective communication requires you to be an active listener—listening without judgment and focusing on what your partner is saying—as well as expressing your own feelings in a positive, truthful way.
Make time for each other. Part of being able to communicate effectively is making time for meaningful conversations in a setting free of distractions. For example, turn off the television in the evening to make it possible to have a real conversation or order a pizza and catch up during a quiet night at home.
Fight fair. Don’t expect to agree on everything. An important part of resolving conflicts is being respectful of your partner’s feelings, even when you are arguing. Let your partner know you value what he or she is saying, even if you don't agree. Try to avoid criticizing, ridiculing, dismissing or rejecting your partner or what he or she is saying. If you’re feeling frustrated and feel as if your anger is taking over, take a time out from the conversation and agree to resume it at a specific time later. Note--If you ever feel as if you may physically hurt your partner, walk away and seek help immediately.
Make a commitment to your relationship. Make your relationship with your partner a priority in your life. A relationship is a work in progress. It needs attention and effort to grow. No matter how busy you are, make time to spend quality time together, even if you have to schedule out specific time slots on your calendars. Celebrate each other’s accomplishments together and support each other during harder times.
Express appreciation. Saying thank you can go a long way toward making your partner feel special and appreciated. Even though you may feel that your partner knows you care, it doesn’t hurt to say thanks—even for every day things like cooking dinner, putting the kids to bed, or taking out the trash.
Maintain a sense of humor. Laugh often with your mate and be willing to laugh at yourself. Maintaining a sense of humor can relieve stress and tension, and help you get through a difficult time together.
Learn to compromise. Compromise is important in any relationship, but it’s especially important in a marriage. If you disagree on an issue, discuss the problem calmly, allow each person to explain his or her point of view, and look for ways to meet each other in the middle.
Practice forgiveness. There may be times when your partner makes a mistake or says or does something hurtful—whether intentionally or unintentionally. While it’s okay to be angry, it’s also important to then let go of the anger and move on. If you constantly bring up past hurts, it’s difficult to have a mutually loving relationship.
Keep romance alive. Relationships are often romantic in the beginning, but as time passes and couples become distracted by other things—work, children, bills, the house—they often take each other for granted. Make your partner feel special by doing something romantic, no matter how small. For example, make breakfast in bed for your partner, make a date for a special night out, take a walk on the beach, or have a picnic.
Take time for yourself. It’s normal for couples to have different hobbies, interests and friends. While it’s important to spend quality time with each other, it’s equally important to spend time alone or with friends. For example, plan a girls’ or guys’ night out, take a kickboxing class or join a book club. By making time for yourselves, you’ll appreciate each other more.
Labels: successful marriages
Marriage Vows
Marriage Coaching
Don't let your job or the kids or volunteer work or time with friends and extended family interfere with your marriage.
Many couples today find that being married doesn't guarantee that they will have quality time with one another. If you are both busy, you have to plan to spend time together. Here are some ideas.
Difficulty: Easy
Time Required: Varies
Here's How:
Schedule a weekend just for the two of you. Write it on your calendar, put it on your computer planner, etc. Don't change it for any other event. You don't have to go anywhere.
Have lunch together once a week. On nice days, meet in a park.
Let your children know that you two need time alone together. Tell them they can knock on your closed bedroom door only if there is blood.
Walk around the block together.
Do chores together like the dishes or weeding. It may not sound like quality time, but it can be.
When you are running errands together, turn off the radio or CD player in the car and talk with one another.
Take showers together.
Spend 20 minutes a day in daily dialogue.
Arrange for a quiet evening at home alone once a month.
Hire a babysitter to watch the kids for a couple hours even though you are home. This works wonders!
Work out a deal with another couple to have them watch your kids overnight so you can have a romantic evening alone ... then you watch their children for them.
Schedule dates with one another. Having an evening or afternoon out together twice a month is a good beginning.
Volunteer to be a presenting couple on Marriage Encounter, Retrouvaille or Engaged Encounter weekends.
When you travel together, don't take work on the plane or road trip. Spend that time talking with each other.
Have a one night stand with each other.
Labels: successful marriages
