The Good Marriage Can last a Lifetime

The Good Marriage Can last a Lifetime
Dr. Neill Neill

The idea of the good marriage is built into our psyches. We want it; we seek it; we enjoy life more and live longer when we are in a good marriage. We are hard-wired to seek communion with another human being.

Conversely, if you have ever been in a marriage that wasn’t working, you felt you were in the loneliest place on earth.

The young man the movie, "Into the Wild," sought happiness by venturing alone into the Alaskan wilderness. In the end he wrote, "Happiness isn’t real unless it’s shared." Perhaps he was right.

A good marriage is fulfilling for both parties on all levels: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. And it lasts through all the personal growth and change that each will go through in life…


Marriage as a Sacred Container

Think of marriage as a sacred container, with the container being made up of agreed-upon characteristics or closely followed rules:

Love. You view each other with open hearts.
Fidelity. You are physically and emotionally faithful to each other.
Respect. You see each other as unique individuals.
Trust. Trust is a work in progress, so the commitment is to continue to grow in self trust, trust in the universe and trust in each other.
Acceptance. You accept each other as you are and as you evolve and change throughout life.
Commitment. You agree to be together for the long haul so you can invest fully in your relationship.
Care. You are protective of each other’s well being.
Open communication. Communication takes place at the physical, emotional and spiritual levels. You never stop listening to understand and talking to connect.
Honesty. Half truths and lies break trust.
Support. You support each other in times of need and growth.
Don’t Mess with the Container

These are the basics of the marriage container. The marriage container brings the important element of predictability to the marriage, an essential if it is to last.

I call marriage a sacred container because the elements are inviolable—you don’t touch them.

On a more spiritual level the experience of developing a deep connection with your partner may be primary in you learning to be aware of your energetic/spiritual connection to others. And awareness of your spiritual connection to others is a gateway to conscious connection to God and the universe.

If you have a propensity to drama and adventure, "predictability" and "rules" may sound alarm bells about boredom. And you would be right; the marriage container is indeed boring. But wait…

Within that sacred container we call marriage, you can do almost anything. You can raise children, go back to school, paddle the Amazon, pursue artistic interests, write a book, build a business empire, race motorcycles, run for public office, meditate, walk the North Coast Trail, go bankrupt, sit with a dying loved one, volunteer, travel or read.

When you look back on your life you will find that many of the constraints on your adventures were self imposed or imaginary. It wasn’t your marriage that stopped you.

Any kind of drama or adventure is possible within the container, except to say, "Never mess with the container." If you protect the container, your marriage can last a lifetime.

Accidental or indirect container damage, however, can and does occur. For example, if one of you develops an alcohol addiction, denial, half truths and outright lies inevitably creep in. Hiding the truth damages crucial parts of the container, honesty and trust. Without repair to the container, that is, without addressing the addiction, the marriage slips from connection to alienation. Sometimes the deterioration is fast; sometimes it’s painfully slow.

Accidents do happen, but without corrective action the accidents become, not accidents, but direct assaults on the marriage just as surely as infidelity.

Get Dr. Neill’s free "Personal Change Manifesto" and help yourself to a better life. Psychologist Dr. Neill Neill maintains an active psychology and life-coaching practice on Vancouver Island, BC, Canada, and is on the treatment team at Sunshine Coast Health Centre, an addiction rehab center for men. Author of Living with a Functioning Alcoholic - A Woman’s Survival Guide.

Labels: marriage success

posted by Robert Heard at 11:31 AM