Successful marriage means dating your spouse
Marriage is the bond between two people, a man and woman who shares their every aspect together ally. Both people must be honest and understanding with each other. Both partner must be able to talk with each other. They must talk and share feeling with each other it will help to build the boundaries to the marriage. There are some ups and down in every ones life but solution can be drawn by simplest way of talking. Loving communication turns into deadly silence. Marriage is the union of body, mind and soul of one man and one woman.
Secrets to a Successful Marriage
Normally marriage is hard work. Adjustment and compromise is the secret key for successful marriage. Here two people who are completely different are come together with hope to live entire life with each other. Many people have trapping feeling after the marriage. They must give space to each other. A little time away from each other sweetens the relationship. God loves marriage, he sees it as a holy and sacred thing. Successful marriage is the backbone of successful society. Breaking down family structure means breaking down national structure. God does the work of match up the personalities. People get confused, disillusioned, and eventually give up on marriage because the above aspects are not being fulfilled to their satisfaction and expectations.
Keys For A Successful Marriage
Marriage partner fails to connect each other on daily basis so it is difficult to connect when dating with your spouse. Dating your spouse is one strategy for successful marriage. For the successful marriage both partners must have psychologically mature. Remember the simple joy of sharing ideas with each another. Marriage becomes weak because of less attention towards your spouse. Marriage can be effectively used after your marriage by dating your loved one spouse. Money is one of the cause for marital friction. Talk with your partner about this.
What Makes a Successful Marriage
Many time relationship fails because of outer stress like finance, family, health problem and work problem. Some couples can manage this problem in very well manner. Better management of the the everyday things in life will allow you to focus more on building a successful marriage. Be careful when building up the relationship with different economic, social and ethnic background. You must deal with potential problem before marriage. Almost the children is the responsibilities of the mother but if father help them in this, it will help to bind your relation strongly. Marriage ask for lot of compromise from both of the party. They much care for each others feeling.
Labels: marriage success
The Good Marriage Can last a Lifetime
Dr. Neill Neill
The idea of the good marriage is built into our psyches. We want it; we seek it; we enjoy life more and live longer when we are in a good marriage. We are hard-wired to seek communion with another human being.
Conversely, if you have ever been in a marriage that wasn’t working, you felt you were in the loneliest place on earth.
The young man the movie, "Into the Wild," sought happiness by venturing alone into the Alaskan wilderness. In the end he wrote, "Happiness isn’t real unless it’s shared." Perhaps he was right.
A good marriage is fulfilling for both parties on all levels: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. And it lasts through all the personal growth and change that each will go through in life…
Marriage as a Sacred Container
Think of marriage as a sacred container, with the container being made up of agreed-upon characteristics or closely followed rules:
Love. You view each other with open hearts.
Fidelity. You are physically and emotionally faithful to each other.
Respect. You see each other as unique individuals.
Trust. Trust is a work in progress, so the commitment is to continue to grow in self trust, trust in the universe and trust in each other.
Acceptance. You accept each other as you are and as you evolve and change throughout life.
Commitment. You agree to be together for the long haul so you can invest fully in your relationship.
Care. You are protective of each other’s well being.
Open communication. Communication takes place at the physical, emotional and spiritual levels. You never stop listening to understand and talking to connect.
Honesty. Half truths and lies break trust.
Support. You support each other in times of need and growth.
Don’t Mess with the Container
These are the basics of the marriage container. The marriage container brings the important element of predictability to the marriage, an essential if it is to last.
I call marriage a sacred container because the elements are inviolable—you don’t touch them.
On a more spiritual level the experience of developing a deep connection with your partner may be primary in you learning to be aware of your energetic/spiritual connection to others. And awareness of your spiritual connection to others is a gateway to conscious connection to God and the universe.
If you have a propensity to drama and adventure, "predictability" and "rules" may sound alarm bells about boredom. And you would be right; the marriage container is indeed boring. But wait…
Within that sacred container we call marriage, you can do almost anything. You can raise children, go back to school, paddle the Amazon, pursue artistic interests, write a book, build a business empire, race motorcycles, run for public office, meditate, walk the North Coast Trail, go bankrupt, sit with a dying loved one, volunteer, travel or read.
When you look back on your life you will find that many of the constraints on your adventures were self imposed or imaginary. It wasn’t your marriage that stopped you.
Any kind of drama or adventure is possible within the container, except to say, "Never mess with the container." If you protect the container, your marriage can last a lifetime.
Accidental or indirect container damage, however, can and does occur. For example, if one of you develops an alcohol addiction, denial, half truths and outright lies inevitably creep in. Hiding the truth damages crucial parts of the container, honesty and trust. Without repair to the container, that is, without addressing the addiction, the marriage slips from connection to alienation. Sometimes the deterioration is fast; sometimes it’s painfully slow.
Accidents do happen, but without corrective action the accidents become, not accidents, but direct assaults on the marriage just as surely as infidelity.
Get Dr. Neill’s free "Personal Change Manifesto" and help yourself to a better life. Psychologist Dr. Neill Neill maintains an active psychology and life-coaching practice on Vancouver Island, BC, Canada, and is on the treatment team at Sunshine Coast Health Centre, an addiction rehab center for men. Author of Living with a Functioning Alcoholic - A Woman’s Survival Guide.
Labels: marriage success
Healthy marriage: Why love is good for you
From MayoClinic.com
Special to CNN.com
The benefits of a healthy marriage have been carefully studied for decades. Statistically, people who are happily married live longer than do their single counterparts. They have lower rates of heart failure, cancer and other diseases and develop tighter networks of emotional support.
According to one Harvard University study, married women are 20 percent less likely than are single women to die of a variety of causes, including heart disease, suicide and cirrhosis of the liver. Married men enjoy an even greater benefit — they're two to three times less likely to die of such causes than are single men. Statistics have also shown married people are less likely to be victims of domestic violence, sexual assault and other violent crimes.
The upsides of healthy marriages — those which enjoy strong commitment and open lines of communications — span both mental and emotional well-being. One study states definitively that the happiness of married people is significantly greater than that of the unmarried and remains true throughout the entire life cycle.
While the benefits are clear, the reason married couples live healthier lives is more elusive. Many experts postulate that the benefits of a healthy marriage have to do with cohabitation, financial stability and networks of social support. But the prevailing explanation has to do with stress management.
Hallmarks of a healthy marriage: All roads lead to stress reduction
The detrimental effect of stress on an individual's health is well known. Cardiovascular, hormonal and immune pathways are important to a person's well-being, and stress can negatively affect these systems.
Experts reason that married couples enjoy better health partly because they're better equipped as a team to handle and defray stress than are their single counterparts.
For example, in a healthy marriage, two people share the task of mowing the lawn, bringing in income or rearing children. With two people, you have twice as many resources to address daily demands. Conversely, a single head of household is more likely to face too many demands with not enough resources — the very definition of stress.
Marriage-related stress reducers: Basic themes
Many aspects of a healthy marriage contribute to stress reduction, such as:
More money. By pooling their incomes, married couples amass greater wealth over a lifetime than do single people. In addition, husbands and wives may have individual areas of expertise that can save them money running the household. For example, a spouse handy about the home might save the family money on home repairs, while another who's good at managing finances may preclude hiring an accountant.
Further, there are economies of scale in cohabitation. A married couple can live more cheaply than can a single person by sharing housing costs, utilities, groceries and health insurance.
In these ways, marriage may improve health by improving financial stability.
Expanded support network. A healthy marriage brings together two teams of friends and family, thereby multiplying the support network upon which a couple can rely to tackle life's ups and downs. This can translate into not only physical but also mental health benefits, such as a lower probability of depression.
Improved behaviors. People make different choices and adopt different behaviors once they're married. Healthy activities generally increase, and risky behaviors typically decrease, partly due to a sense of responsibility to a spouse. The results of these changes have a positive impact on your health.
For example, a Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) study found in 2004 that married adults are about half as likely to be smokers as are single, divorced or separated adults. They're also less likely to be heavy drinkers or engage in behavior that leads to sexually transmitted diseases.
The lone exception: Weight control
The one negative health indicator for married versus single people comes in the area of weight. Studies show that married adults, particularly men, weigh more and have higher rates of obesity than do single adults. People who have never been married are the least likely to be obese.
Committed but unmarried couples don't show the same benefit
Of course, unmarried couples in a loving relationship may enjoy similar health gains. However, the CDC study indicates the relationship to health is in fact very different, in that unmarried couples don't reap as high a level of benefit as do those in a healthy marriage.
Because marriage entails a legal vow to stay together for life — often in front of family, friends and communities — the married couple and those who surround them are more likely to recognize and support that bond. Conversely, an unmarried couple doesn't receive the same social sanction and may develop a weaker network of support.
What about an unhealthy marriage?
Just as healthy marriages provide a host of benefits, unhealthy ones can have negative health consequences — such as a higher degree of depressive symptoms — as they can be an enormous source of stress.
A study of newlywed couples conducted at Ohio State University found that hostile and negative behavior was associated with a decline in immune system response. This can spur a number of health consequences, such as slower wound healing and greater susceptibility to infectious diseases.
Labels: marriage success
The Best Marriage Advice Ever Received
Shared Wisdom
By Sheri & Bob Stritof, About.com
Marriage Quotes
Couples like you share their marriage wisdom. We asked readers to share the best marriage advice they ever received.
"... it was that I should love my husband, but not wrap myself up in my husband. That I should always remember that I was a person before him, and I should do my damndest to stay a person while married to him ... second best advice was to never completely tie your finances to your husband--always have something of your own." ~~ contributed by deblgus
"Don't fight over money because there is never enough to go around anyway." ~~ contributed by s91601
"Don't go to bed angry at each other." ~~ contributed by Ibn Tumart
"My dad told me 'try to outdo each other in kindness.' I thought that was good advice. That way you are concentrating on the positive." ~~ contributed by tjmac66
"The best advice in my opinion is to live in a different town than your families when you get married. My hubby is in the Air Force and lucky for both of us, we moved across the country! We both grew up in negative environments and the space is a blessing! Now we appreciate talking to our families and they are far enough away where they can't interfere and smother us with negativity. On another note, I believe the standard "don't go to bed angry" is right as rain as well!" ~~ contributed by GirlyGirl220
"For women: Do not expect your husband to change after marriage.
For men: Do not expect your wife to not change. : )" ~~ contributed by Data10000
"My mom always tells me when I fight with my husband that he could be worse than what he is and I should quit sweating the small stuff." ~~ contributed by quinnandellie
"From the time we were little kids, my dad told us "Never date anyone you wouldn't marry" .... when we were kids this made zero sense, but as I got older, it became clear that a lot of people marry people they don't much like/fit with well, for a variety of reasons. SHe ends up pregnant, it is just "time" to marry. The selection process of who to marry is complex, but makes a huge difference.
We also always advise newly marrieds to NOT sit and complain about anything in their marriage, large or small, in little same sex (or not) groups at work or at play. ALl it does is magnify any irritants, and if you really have a problem with your spouse, talking to them about it is much more likely to solve the problem than sitting and bitching with others." ~~ contributed by shopper113
"My dad told me to always communicate with each other. I think I have been more honest with my husband than anyone else in my life." ~~ contributed by fkh38
"A quote from the Bible: What God has yoked together, let no man tear apart." ~~ contributed by Donnamaria65
There are "... various ways in which relational maturity develops in people -- preparing them first to care for themselves, and then to care for two people, and afterwards for children too. All in a way that is life giving. Relational maturity is I believe the most effective predictor for whether a marriage is likely to last or not." ~~ contributed by Tastewise
"From my MIL: "Marriage is forever. You have to stick it out no matter how miserable you are." ~~ contributed by Michele
"Get on your knees together every night and say the Lord's prayer. Even if you don't go to sleep and may have something else to do. This assures that most nights you will spend some time together before you go to sleep. If you are apart, do it over the phone." ~~ contributed by Michele
"Never go to bed angry, even if you are not happy with the conditions." ~~ contributed by Michele
Labels: marriage success
The Best Marriage Advice Ever Received
Shared Wisdom
By Sheri & Bob Stritof, About.com
Marriage Quotes
Couples like you share their marriage wisdom. We asked readers to share the best marriage advice they ever received.
"... it was that I should love my husband, but not wrap myself up in my husband. That I should always remember that I was a person before him, and I should do my damndest to stay a person while married to him ... second best advice was to never completely tie your finances to your husband--always have something of your own." ~~ contributed by deblgus
"Don't fight over money because there is never enough to go around anyway." ~~ contributed by s91601
"Don't go to bed angry at each other." ~~ contributed by Ibn Tumart
"My dad told me 'try to outdo each other in kindness.' I thought that was good advice. That way you are concentrating on the positive." ~~ contributed by tjmac66
"The best advice in my opinion is to live in a different town than your families when you get married. My hubby is in the Air Force and lucky for both of us, we moved across the country! We both grew up in negative environments and the space is a blessing! Now we appreciate talking to our families and they are far enough away where they can't interfere and smother us with negativity. On another note, I believe the standard "don't go to bed angry" is right as rain as well!" ~~ contributed by GirlyGirl220
"For women: Do not expect your husband to change after marriage.
For men: Do not expect your wife to not change. : )" ~~ contributed by Data10000
"My mom always tells me when I fight with my husband that he could be worse than what he is and I should quit sweating the small stuff." ~~ contributed by quinnandellie
"From the time we were little kids, my dad told us "Never date anyone you wouldn't marry" .... when we were kids this made zero sense, but as I got older, it became clear that a lot of people marry people they don't much like/fit with well, for a variety of reasons. SHe ends up pregnant, it is just "time" to marry. The selection process of who to marry is complex, but makes a huge difference.
We also always advise newly marrieds to NOT sit and complain about anything in their marriage, large or small, in little same sex (or not) groups at work or at play. ALl it does is magnify any irritants, and if you really have a problem with your spouse, talking to them about it is much more likely to solve the problem than sitting and bitching with others." ~~ contributed by shopper113
"My dad told me to always communicate with each other. I think I have been more honest with my husband than anyone else in my life." ~~ contributed by fkh38
"A quote from the Bible: What God has yoked together, let no man tear apart." ~~ contributed by Donnamaria65
There are "... various ways in which relational maturity develops in people -- preparing them first to care for themselves, and then to care for two people, and afterwards for children too. All in a way that is life giving. Relational maturity is I believe the most effective predictor for whether a marriage is likely to last or not." ~~ contributed by Tastewise
"From my MIL: "Marriage is forever. You have to stick it out no matter how miserable you are." ~~ contributed by Michele
"Get on your knees together every night and say the Lord's prayer. Even if you don't go to sleep and may have something else to do. This assures that most nights you will spend some time together before you go to sleep. If you are apart, do it over the phone." ~~ contributed by Michele
"Never go to bed angry, even if you are not happy with the conditions." ~~ contributed by Michele
Labels: marriage success
The Best Marriage Advice Ever Received
Shared Wisdom
By Sheri & Bob Stritof, About.com
Marriage Quotes
Couples like you share their marriage wisdom. We asked readers to share the best marriage advice they ever received.
"... it was that I should love my husband, but not wrap myself up in my husband. That I should always remember that I was a person before him, and I should do my damndest to stay a person while married to him ... second best advice was to never completely tie your finances to your husband--always have something of your own." ~~ contributed by deblgus
"Don't fight over money because there is never enough to go around anyway." ~~ contributed by s91601
"Don't go to bed angry at each other." ~~ contributed by Ibn Tumart
"My dad told me 'try to outdo each other in kindness.' I thought that was good advice. That way you are concentrating on the positive." ~~ contributed by tjmac66
"The best advice in my opinion is to live in a different town than your families when you get married. My hubby is in the Air Force and lucky for both of us, we moved across the country! We both grew up in negative environments and the space is a blessing! Now we appreciate talking to our families and they are far enough away where they can't interfere and smother us with negativity. On another note, I believe the standard "don't go to bed angry" is right as rain as well!" ~~ contributed by GirlyGirl220
"For women: Do not expect your husband to change after marriage.
For men: Do not expect your wife to not change. : )" ~~ contributed by Data10000
"My mom always tells me when I fight with my husband that he could be worse than what he is and I should quit sweating the small stuff." ~~ contributed by quinnandellie
"From the time we were little kids, my dad told us "Never date anyone you wouldn't marry" .... when we were kids this made zero sense, but as I got older, it became clear that a lot of people marry people they don't much like/fit with well, for a variety of reasons. SHe ends up pregnant, it is just "time" to marry. The selection process of who to marry is complex, but makes a huge difference.
We also always advise newly marrieds to NOT sit and complain about anything in their marriage, large or small, in little same sex (or not) groups at work or at play. ALl it does is magnify any irritants, and if you really have a problem with your spouse, talking to them about it is much more likely to solve the problem than sitting and bitching with others." ~~ contributed by shopper113
"My dad told me to always communicate with each other. I think I have been more honest with my husband than anyone else in my life." ~~ contributed by fkh38
"A quote from the Bible: What God has yoked together, let no man tear apart." ~~ contributed by Donnamaria65
There are "... various ways in which relational maturity develops in people -- preparing them first to care for themselves, and then to care for two people, and afterwards for children too. All in a way that is life giving. Relational maturity is I believe the most effective predictor for whether a marriage is likely to last or not." ~~ contributed by Tastewise
"From my MIL: "Marriage is forever. You have to stick it out no matter how miserable you are." ~~ contributed by Michele
"Get on your knees together every night and say the Lord's prayer. Even if you don't go to sleep and may have something else to do. This assures that most nights you will spend some time together before you go to sleep. If you are apart, do it over the phone." ~~ contributed by Michele
"Never go to bed angry, even if you are not happy with the conditions." ~~ contributed by Michele
Labels: marriage success
The Best Marriage Advice Ever Received
Shared Wisdom
By Sheri & Bob Stritof, About.com
Marriage Quotes
Couples like you share their marriage wisdom. We asked readers to share the best marriage advice they ever received.
"... it was that I should love my husband, but not wrap myself up in my husband. That I should always remember that I was a person before him, and I should do my damndest to stay a person while married to him ... second best advice was to never completely tie your finances to your husband--always have something of your own." ~~ contributed by deblgus
"Don't fight over money because there is never enough to go around anyway." ~~ contributed by s91601
"Don't go to bed angry at each other." ~~ contributed by Ibn Tumart
"My dad told me 'try to outdo each other in kindness.' I thought that was good advice. That way you are concentrating on the positive." ~~ contributed by tjmac66
"The best advice in my opinion is to live in a different town than your families when you get married. My hubby is in the Air Force and lucky for both of us, we moved across the country! We both grew up in negative environments and the space is a blessing! Now we appreciate talking to our families and they are far enough away where they can't interfere and smother us with negativity. On another note, I believe the standard "don't go to bed angry" is right as rain as well!" ~~ contributed by GirlyGirl220
"For women: Do not expect your husband to change after marriage.
For men: Do not expect your wife to not change. : )" ~~ contributed by Data10000
"My mom always tells me when I fight with my husband that he could be worse than what he is and I should quit sweating the small stuff." ~~ contributed by quinnandellie
"From the time we were little kids, my dad told us "Never date anyone you wouldn't marry" .... when we were kids this made zero sense, but as I got older, it became clear that a lot of people marry people they don't much like/fit with well, for a variety of reasons. SHe ends up pregnant, it is just "time" to marry. The selection process of who to marry is complex, but makes a huge difference.
We also always advise newly marrieds to NOT sit and complain about anything in their marriage, large or small, in little same sex (or not) groups at work or at play. ALl it does is magnify any irritants, and if you really have a problem with your spouse, talking to them about it is much more likely to solve the problem than sitting and bitching with others." ~~ contributed by shopper113
"My dad told me to always communicate with each other. I think I have been more honest with my husband than anyone else in my life." ~~ contributed by fkh38
"A quote from the Bible: What God has yoked together, let no man tear apart." ~~ contributed by Donnamaria65
There are "... various ways in which relational maturity develops in people -- preparing them first to care for themselves, and then to care for two people, and afterwards for children too. All in a way that is life giving. Relational maturity is I believe the most effective predictor for whether a marriage is likely to last or not." ~~ contributed by Tastewise
"From my MIL: "Marriage is forever. You have to stick it out no matter how miserable you are." ~~ contributed by Michele
"Get on your knees together every night and say the Lord's prayer. Even if you don't go to sleep and may have something else to do. This assures that most nights you will spend some time together before you go to sleep. If you are apart, do it over the phone." ~~ contributed by Michele
"Never go to bed angry, even if you are not happy with the conditions." ~~ contributed by Michele
Labels: marriage success
The Best Marriage Advice Ever Received
Shared Wisdom
By Sheri & Bob Stritof, About.com
Marriage Quotes
Couples like you share their marriage wisdom. We asked readers to share the best marriage advice they ever received.
"... it was that I should love my husband, but not wrap myself up in my husband. That I should always remember that I was a person before him, and I should do my damndest to stay a person while married to him ... second best advice was to never completely tie your finances to your husband--always have something of your own." ~~ contributed by deblgus
"Don't fight over money because there is never enough to go around anyway." ~~ contributed by s91601
"Don't go to bed angry at each other." ~~ contributed by Ibn Tumart
"My dad told me 'try to outdo each other in kindness.' I thought that was good advice. That way you are concentrating on the positive." ~~ contributed by tjmac66
"The best advice in my opinion is to live in a different town than your families when you get married. My hubby is in the Air Force and lucky for both of us, we moved across the country! We both grew up in negative environments and the space is a blessing! Now we appreciate talking to our families and they are far enough away where they can't interfere and smother us with negativity. On another note, I believe the standard "don't go to bed angry" is right as rain as well!" ~~ contributed by GirlyGirl220
"For women: Do not expect your husband to change after marriage.
For men: Do not expect your wife to not change. : )" ~~ contributed by Data10000
"My mom always tells me when I fight with my husband that he could be worse than what he is and I should quit sweating the small stuff." ~~ contributed by quinnandellie
"From the time we were little kids, my dad told us "Never date anyone you wouldn't marry" .... when we were kids this made zero sense, but as I got older, it became clear that a lot of people marry people they don't much like/fit with well, for a variety of reasons. SHe ends up pregnant, it is just "time" to marry. The selection process of who to marry is complex, but makes a huge difference.
We also always advise newly marrieds to NOT sit and complain about anything in their marriage, large or small, in little same sex (or not) groups at work or at play. ALl it does is magnify any irritants, and if you really have a problem with your spouse, talking to them about it is much more likely to solve the problem than sitting and bitching with others." ~~ contributed by shopper113
"My dad told me to always communicate with each other. I think I have been more honest with my husband than anyone else in my life." ~~ contributed by fkh38
"A quote from the Bible: What God has yoked together, let no man tear apart." ~~ contributed by Donnamaria65
There are "... various ways in which relational maturity develops in people -- preparing them first to care for themselves, and then to care for two people, and afterwards for children too. All in a way that is life giving. Relational maturity is I believe the most effective predictor for whether a marriage is likely to last or not." ~~ contributed by Tastewise
"From my MIL: "Marriage is forever. You have to stick it out no matter how miserable you are." ~~ contributed by Michele
"Get on your knees together every night and say the Lord's prayer. Even if you don't go to sleep and may have something else to do. This assures that most nights you will spend some time together before you go to sleep. If you are apart, do it over the phone." ~~ contributed by Michele
"Never go to bed angry, even if you are not happy with the conditions." ~~ contributed by Michele
Labels: marriage success
The Best Marriage Advice Ever Received
Shared Wisdom
By Sheri & Bob Stritof, About.com
Marriage Quotes
Couples like you share their marriage wisdom. We asked readers to share the best marriage advice they ever received.
"... it was that I should love my husband, but not wrap myself up in my husband. That I should always remember that I was a person before him, and I should do my damndest to stay a person while married to him ... second best advice was to never completely tie your finances to your husband--always have something of your own." ~~ contributed by deblgus
"Don't fight over money because there is never enough to go around anyway." ~~ contributed by s91601
"Don't go to bed angry at each other." ~~ contributed by Ibn Tumart
"My dad told me 'try to outdo each other in kindness.' I thought that was good advice. That way you are concentrating on the positive." ~~ contributed by tjmac66
"The best advice in my opinion is to live in a different town than your families when you get married. My hubby is in the Air Force and lucky for both of us, we moved across the country! We both grew up in negative environments and the space is a blessing! Now we appreciate talking to our families and they are far enough away where they can't interfere and smother us with negativity. On another note, I believe the standard "don't go to bed angry" is right as rain as well!" ~~ contributed by GirlyGirl220
"For women: Do not expect your husband to change after marriage.
For men: Do not expect your wife to not change. : )" ~~ contributed by Data10000
"My mom always tells me when I fight with my husband that he could be worse than what he is and I should quit sweating the small stuff." ~~ contributed by quinnandellie
"From the time we were little kids, my dad told us "Never date anyone you wouldn't marry" .... when we were kids this made zero sense, but as I got older, it became clear that a lot of people marry people they don't much like/fit with well, for a variety of reasons. SHe ends up pregnant, it is just "time" to marry. The selection process of who to marry is complex, but makes a huge difference.
We also always advise newly marrieds to NOT sit and complain about anything in their marriage, large or small, in little same sex (or not) groups at work or at play. ALl it does is magnify any irritants, and if you really have a problem with your spouse, talking to them about it is much more likely to solve the problem than sitting and bitching with others." ~~ contributed by shopper113
"My dad told me to always communicate with each other. I think I have been more honest with my husband than anyone else in my life." ~~ contributed by fkh38
"A quote from the Bible: What God has yoked together, let no man tear apart." ~~ contributed by Donnamaria65
There are "... various ways in which relational maturity develops in people -- preparing them first to care for themselves, and then to care for two people, and afterwards for children too. All in a way that is life giving. Relational maturity is I believe the most effective predictor for whether a marriage is likely to last or not." ~~ contributed by Tastewise
"From my MIL: "Marriage is forever. You have to stick it out no matter how miserable you are." ~~ contributed by Michele
"Get on your knees together every night and say the Lord's prayer. Even if you don't go to sleep and may have something else to do. This assures that most nights you will spend some time together before you go to sleep. If you are apart, do it over the phone." ~~ contributed by Michele
"Never go to bed angry, even if you are not happy with the conditions." ~~ contributed by Michele
Labels: marriage success
DON'T THINK FOR A MOMENT THAT YOU CAN JUST GET MARRIED AND...
not have to do anything about it again. No way! These days it takes an ongoing, active, spirited-focus to keep a relationship fresh, alive and happenin'. Is your relationship worth it? Is beauty, art, dance and music worth it? Are children worth it? Is Love worth it?
The Maintaining Marriage-drawer means that your marriage is in excellent health and it can stay that way. If we are successful with our writings, we will have impressed upon you that there are simple things, many not taking much time at all, that you can do individually, and together, that will keep your relationship singing the beauty and the bounty of Love. We will go so far as to say that your relationship must keep growing and expanding in order to work and keep you two satisfied.
Is this doable? Absolutely 100% yes! How can we say this so assuredly? Because you two, together, are in total control of this.
THINK ABOUT THIS:
The amount of good in your lives, which includes health, abundance, prosperity, intimacy, friendship, passion, happiness, joy, fun and peace, was not meant to level off when you met or reach the final peak on wedding day or when your first child was born. On the contrary, because good is unlimited, life always gets better. There is no end to it. Think about this for a moment . . . If this is true, what would that mean for so many of the thoughts that we think as humans? What would this mean for what's possible in each day? Each moment? The Marriage Toolbox is pretty excited about this.
Okay, let's go more into the drawer. . . .
SCENARIOS FROM THE TOOLBOX
We had a little fun here taking some black 'n white illustrations of couples and matching them with relationship tools and awarenesses.Scenarios
YESTERWEiRDS
A Yesterwierd is something from the past that was thought of as "no problem", even good, back then. Now though, it's definitely a yesterweird because it's either biased, discriminatory, prejudicial, abusive, obnoxious, hideous or otherwise disrespectful.
THE WEAKER SEX
The Weaker Sex, By Robert Puryear.
AFFAIRS & MONOGAMY
Is Monogamy What it's About?
Affairs, Why? Early Warning Signs
Affair Prevention: Ten Tools
NO LEG TO STAND ON
It's like this: There will be a finger pointed at you. When it is, just admit it--you haven't a leg to stand on. The minimum is that you are a contributing cause. Identify your Symptoms, that is, if you're interested in knowing what you will be busted for.
YOUNGER WONDERS
If you haven't noticed how incredibly perceptive and insight-filled kids of every age, socioeconomic background, country, color, grade level and physical and mental ability are, then Younger Wonders could inspire you to have a deeper listen to kids, especially those in your life.
SHOULD WE HAVE A CHILD NOW?
Are we ready? What are the realities of parenting?
POEMS OF LIGHT 'N LOVE
A few touching words about what's important .
MAINTENANCE TOOLS FOR YOU
Who Are You?
Personal Power Statements
Journaling
These Could Come Back to Haunt You
Eight Laws to Consider When Making Choices
Abstentions that say 'I Love You'
MAINTENANCE TOOLS FOR YOU TWO
Bedtime Readings
Spending Too Much Time Together?
Not Spending Enough Time Together?
Scheduling Time Together
CHALLENGE QUESTION:
What if in this very moment, right now, as you're reading this line, peace is inside of you and all you have to do is trust that it's there; acknowledge it?
MORE FAVORITE QUOTES
"Not one moment of maintaining your marriage is ever lost". The Love Warrior
Labels: marriage success
To Those Threatened By Divorce
To: Those Threatened by Divorce
From: Mike McManus
Steps You Can Take To Save Your Marriage
Marriage Savers receives many requests for information by couples who want to save their marriages. Below is a summary of several strategies that have been proven to save most marriages. First, however, it might be helpful to those of you in pain to know some facts about marriage and divorce in America, and why it is worth fighting for your marriage. Your worst enemy at this stage is despair. Remember that your best ally is God Himself! As Malachi puts it, "I hate divorce," says the Lord God of Israel." If you pray and take the practical steps outlined below, the Lord will help you restore your marriage.
Good News: Marriage is the Key to Happiness, Long Life, Wealth!
As Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher point out in their important book, The Case For Marriage, married people are healthier, happier, wealthier, live longer and have better sex than those who divorce or remain single. Oddly, this is news to our culture. Thus, secular evidence backs up Scripture. "The Lord God said, `It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him'" (Genesis 2:18). Selected data in brief:
Happiness: Married people are twice as likely as those who are single for whatever reason to say they are "very happy." Some 40% of married couples say they are very happy, compared to 15% of the separated, 18% of the divorced. What's surprising is that only 22% of the never-married and cohabitors are very happy, the same as widows.
Life: A married man at age 48 has an 88% chance of living till age 65, but a divorced man has only a 65% odds of survival! A woman aged 48 who is married has an 92% chance of living to age 65; but a divorced woman's odds are only 82%. Divorced men are twice as likely to suffer from heart attacks, cancer and four times as likely to be in automobile accidents or to commit suicide, reports J. J. Lynch in The Broken Heart.
Wealth: Married men earn 10%-40% more than single men with similar education and job histories, according to “Why Marriage Matters.” Married couples also accumulate more assets. According to The Case for Marriage, “On the verge of retirement (in 1994) the typical married couple had accumulated about $410,000 (or $205,000 per person) compared to about $167,000 for the never-married, just under $154,000 for the divorced, about $151,000 for the widowed, and just under $96,000 for the separated.”
Sex: "Married sex really is better sex," report Waite and Gallagher. "Married women are almost twice as likely as divorced or never-married women to have a sex life that (a) exists and (b) is extremely emotionally satisfying." Some 43 percent of married men had sex at least twice a week vs. only 26 percent of single men.
Marriage In America Is Disintegrating
Despite this good news, there has been an alarming disintegration of marriage in America:
Divorces tripled from 1960 and 1979, rising from 390,000 to 1,181,000. By 2006, they declined only 8.8% to 1,076,000. There were 42 million divorces from 1970 to 2006 shattering the lives of 40 million children.
A million children a year have seen their parents divorce since 1973
The marriage rate fell 50% between 1970 and 2006. There are only 2.2 million marriages a year, when there should be 3.3 million, if the same percentage of couples were marrying today as in 1970. Why?
Cohabitation skyrocketed 12-fold, from 430,000 in 1960 to 5.4 million living together in 2006. Cohabitation is the dominant way male-female unions are formed, not marriage.
Cohabitation is a double cancer of marriage. The first cancer is that for millions, cohabitation is a substitute for marriage. A quarter of unmarried women aged 25-39 are currently living with a partner, and an additional quarter have done so in the past. Yet what many call a "trial marriage" should be called a "trial divorce." The only question is whether they break up before the wedding or afterward. Of 100 couples who begin living together 40 break up before a wedding, according to the University of Wisconsin. One result: the number of never-married couples has doubled from 21 million in 1970 to 52 million in 2005, diverting 31 million from getting married at all. The second cancer is that cohabitation before marriage increases a couple's odds of divorce by 50%. First marriages divorce at a 45% rate. So instead of 45 of every 50 couples divorcing (22 couples), half again as many will do so (33 couples) – two-thirds will divorce. When added to the 45 couples who break up short of marriage, that’s an abysmal failure rate of 78 out of 100 “trial marriages,” as they are often called. Those who remarry after a failed marriage, have a 60% likelihood of divorce, whose odds are increased if they cohabit. Thus, only about a fifth of couples who begin cohabiting are still together after a decade!
Children of divorce suffer more than anyone from divorce. They are twice as likely as children with an intact family to drop out of school, three times more likely to have a baby out of wedlock, six times more likely to be in poverty or to commit suicide, and 12 times more likely to be incarcerated. Further, as Judith Wallerstein's powerful book, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, makes clear the impact of divorce on kids "grows at least into the third decade." Based on interviews of 100 children of divorce over 25 years, she reports that "From the viewpoint of the children, and counter to what happens to their parents, divorce is a cumulative experience. Its impact increases over time and rises to a crescendo in adulthood. In adulthood it affects personality, the ability to trust, expectations about relationships and ability to cope with change... Anxiety leads many into making bad choices in relationships, giving up hastily when problems arise, or avoiding relationships altogether." Only 60 of 100 children married, and 33 were already divorced.
Options To Strengthen or Save Marriages
The type of intervention depends in part upon the stage of difficulty you are in.
Moderate Problems: If the problems are poor communication and problem-solving, but where neither is considering divorce. We recommend Marriage Encounter, a weekend retreat that has been attended by 2.5 million couples, 80% of whom say it helped them to fall back in love, and to gain new respect for their spouse. A typical weekend is attended by about 20-30 couples at a weekend retreat at a motel led by three couples who tell intimate details of their marital growth. They then ask attendees to write to their spouse on an assigned subject, such as "What do I admire about you and our marriage?" "What feeling do I have that I find most difficult to share with you?" After writing, couples go to their motel room, read what each wrote and then talk. This part is utterly private. It is the exact opposite of sitting down with a therapist, and pouring your soul out to someone who doesn't know you at $100+ an hour. To learn of a Marriage Encounter near you call 1-800-795-LOVE (795-5683), or United Marriage Encounter - 1-866-483-8889.
Severe Problems: If divorce is being considered by one or both people. The best widespread answer is Retrouvaille, a French word for Rediscovery, pronounced Ret-roo-vie. It is run like Marriage Encounter except that the leaders are couples whose own marriages nearly failed. These "back-from-the-brink" couples tell their own stories of recovery from adultery, alcoholism, etc. They then assign a topic for the couples to write on, and to discuss in private. Retrouvaille is so successful, it saves 80% of the worst marriages! More than 70,000 couples have gone and found the process inspirational. The couples leading the weekend are donating their time, as in Marriage Encounter. They are doing it for the most selfless of reasons. Their own marriage has been healed and they want to help others. To learn more, Call 800 470-2230. A couple leading the program will call and tell you when the next weekend near you will be held. Cost only a modest registration fee, but they do seek contributions by those who can afford it to pay for motel bills (about $300-$400). Those who can't afford the contribution do not pay.
In trying to persuade a spouse to go to Retrouvaille, expect resistance. One person is always a "dragee." As long as they go, it makes no difference. Four out of five marriages are saved. Knowing this, Marriage Savers suggests the willing partner say something like this: "I know you are unhappy now. But a research report by the University of Chicago of couples who were so unhappy that one or the other of them considered divorce -- if they lived their vows "for better or worse," and stuck together, saved their marriages; five years later, 86% of the once unhappy marriages report their marriage is healthy and happy! Retrouvaille provides a concrete strategy to rebuild the trust at a much expanded rate, of giving hope to the hopeless. Thus, it’s saving of four out of five marriages, is a reasonable gamble for building a marriage that is rewarding to both partners. (By contrast, therapists save less than 20% of troubled marriages according to Diane Sollee, director of Smart Marriages and former Associate Director of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy.)
Say, "We have been married x number of years. I am asking you to give me one weekend to work at our marriage at a Retrouvaille weekend. If we succeed, that would be wonderful for both us and the kids. If not, we have only lost a weekend. What is the risk?"
The problem with Retrouvaille is that it is held in most cities only two or three times a year. Go to retrouvaille.org and click on weekends to see one which may be held within driving distance, at an earlier time than one in your city.
Crisis Marriage Alternative: While you are waiting to go to Retrouvaille or instead of going, Marriage Savers recommends another alternative: watch a DVD series, "Choosing Wisely…Before You Divorce," which saves more than half of marriages in crisis. It is a five-part series, best watched with a pastor, friend or mentoring couple who can help the couple talk through the issues. A Christian attorney in the first DVD says, "The worst thing you can do is to call an attorney. He will ask you to separate, stop talking to your spouse." He outlines the horror that divorcing couples go through legally. Other videos talk of the emotional and physical cost of divorce, and its impact on kids. Couples who actually separated or divorced outline what they did to reconcile. The package includes 5 45 minute DVD sections, two workbooks and a Leader’s Guide. The videos can be ordered for $65.50 by calling our offices, 301-469-5873, and can be paid for with a credit card. Pastors, therapists or Mentor Couples may prefer to order a Counselor’s Edition with three sets of workbooks for $102.
The Separated Couple: If there has been a separation, or a separation is not far off. the person left behind who is trying to save the marriage, can take a course called "Reconciling God's Way," in which a woman would ask a female friend, or a male, a male friend, to meet with the spouse an hour a week for 12 weeks. There is a Workbook for the separated spouse, and a Support Partner’s Manual so the friend knows what questions to ask each week. The cost for both is only $25 shipping. One part of the course is to read a chapter of Proverbs daily. The course uses the time of separation for personal and spiritual growth and helps the person rebuild a trust in God. The odds are better than 50-50 that the person who has run off will come back, realizing that a mistake has been made. If the person left behind has remained faithful to the marital vows, not dated, and rebuilt a self-confidence and a faith in God, he or she will be more attractive than ever to the errant spouse. Reconciliation happens 50%-70%. If you want to order Reconciling God's Way manuals, Call us at 301-469-5873.
Must Reading:
For the person fearful of divorce, Marriage Savers recommends a book by Michele Weiner Davis: The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage. As Howard Markman, author of Fighting For Your Marriage, put it, "If you are thinking of divorce -- stop. Put the process on hold and read Michele’s book. It will give you both the hope and the tools that you can use to not only save your marriage, but to have a great love relationship over a lifetime." I would add that her seven steps are practical, not obvious, and a proven strategy to reconstruct a deeply troubled marriage. Michelle Weiner-Davis outlines steps you can take to restore a marriage, even if your own partner is not interested in taking any steps. You can change the character of your marriage, by changing yourself.
A version of this book targeted at women, also by Michele Weiner-Davis, is called Getting Through To the Man You Love: The No-Nonsense, No-Nagging Guide for Women. This book is particularly helpful to women, who file two-thirds of all divorces. Here is a typical paragraph:
"By blaming your partner and not seeing your own role in your relationship dilemma, you might inadvertently by pushing his buttons and bringing out the worst in him. Also, you’re so focused on his mistreatment of you, you start playing the blame game. You think he’s to blame, so you wait for him to change. He thinks you’re to blame, so he waits for you to change. In the meantime, nothing changes."
Michelle tells women how to take the initiative to end this stalemate. It empowers women to be marriage healers rather than marriage destroyers. Both of Ms. Davis’ books are available in any good bookstore or on Amazon.com.
For those couples with children, you must read Dr. Judith Wallerstein's landmark book, cited above, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce. In following 100 children of divorce for 25 years, she discovered most of these children grew up in families "where they experienced multiple divorces and remarriages of one or both parents" plus "many cohabitations and brief love affairs," with cataclysmic consequences. Children sadly concluded that ties between men and women "can break capriciously without warning," which gives them no confidence in building relationships with the opposite sex. Consequently, they are terrified of conflict and tend to explode or run away." By ages 28-43, only 60% of these children of divorce had married and many of them had already divorced. After Dr. Wallerstein appeared on "Oprah" the book was on the best seller list.
If adultery has been part of your marriage, Dr. Stephen Judah has written an important book, Staying Together: When an Affair Pulls You Apart. When a marriage is threatened by infidelity, all parties involved can become desperate. We’re tempted to look out only for ourselves, and the marital relationship is left hanging on for dear life. Judah explores both the phenomenon of infidelity, considering both the push of marital discord and the pull of sexual temptation. With a clear and helpful analysis of the relational science behind infidelity, he delivers a tested way back toward a meaningful marriage.
For the good news about marriage and its importance to every heterosexual person, I strongly recommend A Case for Marriage by Dr. Linda Waite of the University of Chicago and Maggie Gallagher, a syndicated columnist. It proves conclusively that those who are married are far happier, healthier, wealthier and live far longer than those who are alone. If you have any doubt about the value of fighting for your marriage, this book is must reading. It can be found in any good bookstore.
For the person in a stepfamily, with children from a previous marriage, read Willing To Try Again by Dick Dunn. He has also written a Manual and prepared a CD with step-by-step help on how to create a Stepfamily Support Group that can save 80% of marriages that usually divorce at a 70% rate. To order either item visit our Online Resources page or call us at 301-469-5873. The price of Willing to Try Again is $12+ $2 postage and Developing a Stepfamily Ministry Kit is $38.
Marriage Savers: Helping Your Friends and Family Avoid Divorce is my major book which contains detail on each of the interventions outlined above. For example, Chapter 9 is about Marriage Encounter. Chapter 10 spotlights Retrouvaille and Chapter 11, Stepfamily Support Groups (among others). For those concerned about saving their marriage, the book will give you more information on these proven interventions and will help you to be persuasive to your spouse on why you should both go to Retrouvaille, for example. Chapter 2 offers detail on the consequences of divorce to both adults and children. The book also has three chapters for those who are not yet married, which make a case for chastity, for taking a premarital inventory and for being mentored by an older couple. It is an excellent book to give as a gift to a person you may be concerned about at a key stage of the marital life cycle. Marriage Savers also tells the story of how I began creating Community Marriage Policies® that are now in more than 200 cities and towns, which have brought down divorce rates in some of them by 50%.
George Gallup, the famous pollster wrote the Foreword, which begin with these eloquent words, "If a disease were to afflict the majority of a populace, spreading pain and dysfunction throughout all age groups, we would be frantically searching for reasons and solutions. Yet this particular scourge has become so endemic that it is virtually ignored. "
The scourge is divorce, an oddly neglected topic in a nation that has the worst record of broken marriages in the entire world. Divorce is a "root problem" in our country, and is the cause of any number of other social ills.
Marriage Savers has an Appendix which lists the names, phones, and addresses of 24 marriage ministries which can help couples at every stage of marriage. And it contains an Index to make it easy to find any information about marriage or divorce that may be of interest. It can be ordered for $15 + $3 postage by calling my office during office hours, and I will send a signed copy, if you ask for one. The book is out of print, unavailable in bookstores, but I have copies. Call 301-469-5873.
Insuring Marriage: 25 Proven Ways to Prevent Divorce is my short book, a parable version of Marriage Savers. Chuck Colson wrote the Foreword. It is only 112 pages long with about 800 words on each of 25 answers on how the reader can become a "Marriage Saver," someone who can transform their church from being a "wedding factory," into a place that prepares people for a lifelong marriage, strengthens existing ones, or saves troubled marriages. Each chapter is brief, the length of a newspaper column, which some of them once were, that summarize the most important ways to prevent divorce. If you have a daughter who is cohabitating, or a brother whose marriage is in trouble, you might want to buy this slender book and tell them which chapter to read. Its cost is only $6 + $1 postage. Again, it can be ordered from 301 469-5873.
Finally, any multiple orders (3 or more) of either Marriage Savers or Insuring Marriage will be sold at a 20% discount. I am passing on my discount as an author in order to help fuel the marriage movement. You could, for example, teach a Marriage Savers course giving potential Mentor Couples in your church the option of buying either book. We have produced a series of 6 videos and a 96-page Leader's Guide to Marriage Savers to make teaching easy. For more information on this Marriage Savers Resource Collection, see the Resources section of this Web Site.
Labels: marriage success
The Energetics Of A Healthy Marriage Relationship
by Dr. Rita Louise
Most of what we know about our relationships we’ve learn from TV, movies or even romance novels. For many women, the idea they will meet their Prince Charming and live happily ever after is something they are brought up believing is true. As a society, we are lead to believe that one day we will meet the man or woman of our dreams, fall in love, get married, have children and live together forever in an idealist world only found in fairy tails. And for a small number of couple this is the case. For the vast majority of us, once the honeymoon is over, what was once thought to be fun, easy and carefree turns into being work, an aspect of a relationship no one really ever considers. Thus instead of addressing the changes that are taking place in our relationship space, where we need to nurture ourselves and our relationship, we instead find ways of diminishing or destroying it.
In a marriage, or any kind of relationship, whether personal or professional, agreements, both spoken and unspoken, are created. For example, at work, we agree to work hard, show up on time and to follow the directives established by the company. In our marriage, we agree to be loving, supportive and faithful. In turn, if someone breaks or violates any of the agreements, we may try to convince ourselves that their bad behavior was ok, but in the end the hurt we experience simply accumulates and over time, we come to the conclusion that enough is enough. Instead of discovering how we can win back our mate’s love an approval, we often times go to our own corner, lick our wounded pride and project an attitude of “I can do it without him” or “I don’t care”.
There is a song sang by Brooks & Dunn called “Husbands & Wives”. If you are not familiar with the song, it goes like this:
Two broken hearts lonely looking houses
Where nobody lives
Two people each having so much pride inside
Neither side forgives
The angry words spoken in haste
Such a waste of two lives
It's my belief pride is the chief cause in the decline
Of the number of husbands and wives.
We are taught that pride is a good thing. We are proud of our country, our football teams, our children and our accomplishments. This is the good aspect of pride. It helps us to identify who we are, what we value and helps us create a balanced sense of self. For many of us, however, pride or should I say ego is also mixed with our need to compare ourselves with others. Am I richer, smarter or even better looking than the people around me? Now granted, there are some that are convinced of their superiority over others, but it isn’t the overt sense of pride we are talking about here, but instead the kind that works to protect us from ourselves and our self-doubt.
In a relationship, pride and ego are the enemy of love. Pride, ego and self-esteem are all important aspects of ourselves…yet too much pride can be a bad thing, especially if it means that my needs, my honor, my values come first. This is especially true when we insist that we are right and are unyielding, regardless of the cost to ourselves and others. In the end, no one gets what they want, and neither party is happy.
Let’s look at a relationship from another perspective – from an energetic perspective. Relationships are about creating a dynamic of give and take or as how many people have heard it described, it should be 50-50. Both parties have to be willing to commit their time and energy into making a relationship work. At first this is easy. When we meet and fall in love, everything is new. It is easy for us to put a great deal of ourselves into the relationship. In addition to wanting to spend time with our new love, we will find ourselves thinking about him or her throughout the day and look forward to the time we will spend together.
This is a normal part of the process. As we get to know our significant other, we enjoy the process of opening and deepening the feelings of mental and emotional closeness. We can see and feel ourselves getting closer to our partner and this is one of the best parts about falling in love.
This state of drawing closer, over time, begins to shift. It changes from big easily acknowledgeable steps closer to smaller, less noticeable ones. To many, this slowdown feels like the forward movement within the relationship has stopped or even as if they are growing apart from their partner. And while they may still love their spouse, they can find themselves feeling as if they are “falling out of love”.
So what has happened. Well first off, the relationship isn’t new anymore. We are no longer easily allured by the new learning’s, the new feelings we experienced when the relationship first started which allowed us to effortlessly pour our energy into the relationship. What happens for most of us, this drive fades away and instead of devoting our attention to our relationship, other things start to claim our attention, our time and our energy, which in the end takes away from the energy dynamics we have with our partner. What we find is instead of it being easy, we now have to make a conscious choice to contribute to the relationship – and this is often where a relationship will fail.
In a healthy relationship our partners need two things from us – our time and our attention. Of the two, our attention is more important. Without paying attention to their wants, needs and desires, we are inadvertently saying to them that they are low on the totem pole. And so even thought we might be spending time with them, this act does not let them know that they are valued in our eyes.
According to an article I read online. It stated that: “Giving time without attention is sort of like leaving a seventeen cent tip at a restaurant... it lets the other person know that you didn't forget, you just didn't think they were worthy of more. It's insulting, whether done consciously, as with the tip, or subconsciously, as with spending time with your significant other without giving them your full attention.”
How do we give our partner attention? We talk to them, we buy them a nice gift, we make them something, we do something with them. Bottom line, we show them through our thoughts and deeds that we are thinking about them, considering them and we have their welfare in mind.
While not fully on point, let me give you an example. Many years ago I had what I considered a very close friend. As customary, we exchanged gifts for Christmas. That year our relationship was very strained. He was spending a lot of his time and energy making hand made crystal rune sets for everyone he knew – well that is except for me. It was my hope I would be given a very very special set of runes for Christmas – especially because of the close relationship we had. Instead, however, he gave me a silver and turquoise bead bracelet with matching earrings. Now don’t get me wrong, it was nice….but to anyone, and I mean anyone who knew me, they could readily see that it was something I would never ever wear.
This experience left me feeling devalued, that he wasn’t thinking about me at all. Through his actions or lack of consideration it really hurt our long standing friendship. And I’m sharing this, because he was just a close friend. Just think about how much more devastating something like this can be when it happens in your relationship with your spouse.
Our mental involvement in our relationships is critical. If we don’t show our mate that we were thinking about them specifically, it loses some if not all of its value in their eyes.
Thankfully, we can all fall in love again. A successful relationship requires that we place our partner ahead of our wants and needs, our likes and dislikes. By doing so, we will find that our partner will respond (that is unless the relationship is too damaged) in turn. This happens when we wake up one day and realize that our partner has fallen from our attention for too long, when we recognize that we need our spouse in our lives or that we want to share our lives with them.
As we begin to put our attention back into our relationship, we can again close the gap that has opened between us and our spouse. This will create feelings of falling in love and help to rekindle the feelings of love that were once shared. It opens the flow of energy from one person to the other and helps to create a state of love and joy within the marriage.
This flow of energy supports us as we let go of the ravages and walls that our ego and pride have constructed. As our heart melts, we can again begin to feel the love that was already and always there. When we feel loved, we feel safe and secure enough to open our hearts and minds to another. It gives us the opportunity to express our essence and share feelings of peace, serenity, happiness, compassion and patience with them. It is then that we can begin to celebrate our union and oneness with another and truly go riding into the sunset and live happily ever after.
Labels: marriage success
Tips for A Healthy Marriage
Marriage is a long-term bonding between two people. Maintaining a healthy marital relationship is not that easy. You both have to take some efforts to make your marriage successful. Here are some useful tips for a healthy marriage.
For any relation to survive, it is very essential to keep it cheerful and healthy. And it’s quite true especially in case of longer-lasting relationships such as marriage. Marriage is a very precious and important commitment. It is a bonding of not only two individuals, but also of two families. Marriage offers personal, emotional and economical stability to a person. Hence, every person strives to maintain the marital relationship. However, only living together is not a sign of successful marriage. It should be pleasant and enjoyable for both the partners. Successful marriage means commitment, caring and tolerance for each other. It is responsibility of both partners to make their marital relation healthy and cheerful.
Tips for a Healthy Marriage
Building and maintaining a healthy marriage is not that easy. It needs a lot of efforts and enough time. Both the partners should equally take efforts to make their marital relationship enjoyable and comfortable. Given below are some helpful tips that you can practice for a successful married life.
Communication is the most important key to a healthy relationship. Effective communication helps develop a strong bond between the couple. You should be able to express your feelings and share all your joys, worries and concerns with your partner. However, communication is not restricted to talking only. You should also be able to carefully listen to your partner.
For being able to communicate effectively, you need to keep aside enough time for each other from your busy schedule. You must spend some time with each other for a meaningful conversation. Try to have a lunch or dinner together everyday.
You both should take hard efforts to develop the relationship. You can take a review of past moments and find out your mistakes and problems in your relationship. By this, you can decide the areas to be strengthened and improved. You can also seek help from a professional marriage counselor.
Another important thing for a healthy marriage is to express an appreciation. Saying ‘Thank you’ can make your partner feel special and appreciated. You should never miss to appreciate your partner even for everyday things such as cooking the meals, cleaning or taking care of the kids. It would make your partner happy and more enthusiastic.
Commitment is one of the most important factors in a healthy marriage. Your relationship with your partner should be a priority in your life. A relationship needs an attention and efforts to grow. Although you are too busy with your work, do spend some quality time together.
Always be honest with each other. It is the most important thing for a successful marriage. Infidelity of one or both partners can ruin a marital relationship. If you commit any mistake, admit it to your partner. Being honest with each other, you can build a strong relationship.
Trust is the strong foundation of a marriage. You should fully trust your partner. It not only gives a solid base, but also helps develop the relationship.
Compromise is a very essential for any relationship. But it is especially important for a healthy marriage. Always keep in mind; your partner may be brought up in a different culture. Hence, you should be ready to accept his/her views and opinions. Even if you disagree on any issue, discuss it calmly. Try to find the ways to meet each other in the middle. If your partner makes any mistake, don’t panic or don’t hurt him/her by using harsh words. Control your anger and forgive your partner. By this, your partner will start to respect you.
Maintain your sense of humor. Have fun with your partner and laugh often. It helps relive tensions and stress and helps get through a difficult time together.
Most marriages are romantic in the beginning. However, as time passes, a couple becomes distracted by work, business and kids. You should keep the romance alive and make your partner feel special by some romantic things. Go for a date with your partner, or arrange a picnic, or have a walk on the beach.
By adopting these useful tips, you can make your marriage a healthy and successful affair for years.
By Reshma Jirage
Published: 8/20/2008
Labels: marriage success
10 Things You Can Do To Have a
Healthy Marriage
It takes work to have a healthy marriage but it is possible. Just like good nutrition and
regular exercise can help you have a healthy body, there are things you can do to have a
healthy marriage.
Here are 10 Tips you can use to strengthen your marriage:
1) Spend Time with Each Other. Married partners need time with each other in
order to grow strong together. Plan regularly scheduled date nights and
weekend activities. If a getaway is not immediately possible make it a goal that
you will work toward. By spending time with your partner, you will better
understand your differences and how to negotiate the problems they may cause.
Forget the “quality vs. quantity time” discussion—healthy marriages need both.
2) Learn to Negotiate Conflict. Conflict is a normal part of a relationship. There is
a point however when it can increase in intensity and become emotionally and
sometimes physically unsafe. Working out problems in a relationship starts with
understanding what your issues are and how to discuss them. There are many
resources available to help you learn how to deal with conflict. Using these
resources can go a long way in preserving how safe you and your partner feel.
3) Show Respect for Each Other at All Times. When a couple fails to respect each
other they often slip into negative habits. Research shows that nothing can
damage a relationship quicker than criticisms and put-downs. Treating your
partner as you would like to be treated will do a lot to strengthen the bond
between you. Paying your partner a compliment is a quick and easy way to
show them respect. When you are tempted to complain to someone about one of
your partner’s flaws, ask yourself how you would feel if they did that to you.
4) Learn About Yourself First. Make it a point to work on self discovery. Many
partners enter into relationships without knowing enough about themselves. As
a result they can also have difficulty learning about their partners. Learning
about yourself will better equip you to grow as an individual and a partner.
Regardless how long you’ve been together, there are always more things you can
learn about him or her. What are his dreams for the future? What is her worst
fear? What is the way he or she best gives or receives love? Imagine the
intimacy and bond you will share over a lifetime together if you commit to
discovering new things about one another!
5) Explore Intimacy. Marital intimacy can open your relationship to a whole new
level of enjoyment and closeness. It is important, however, to remember that
intimacy does not always mean sexuality. An often forgotten aspect of intimacy
is the emotional type. An example of emotional intimacy is creating a safe space
for your partner to share his or her emotions without fear of you being
judgmental or making light of them. Learn the difference between emotional and
physical intimacy and when each one is most appropriate. Offering your partner
one type when they really need the other can create problems in your
relationship.
6) Explore Common Interests. Couples thrive when they share similar interests.
That doesn’t necessarily mean each partner will enjoy every activity but it opens
up the opportunity for greater sharing and compromise. Doing things separately
is not bad but common interests are important to healthy marriages. A common
interest may be cooking or eating new foods together, going for walks or playing
cards. The goal is to have something outside of your family that you both enjoy.
7) Create a Spiritual Connection. Many couples grow closer when they share
some form of spiritual connection. This can be done in many different ways. For
example it may be achieved through an affiliation with a church, synagogue or
mosque, through meditation or by simply spending time in nature or intimate
conversation.
8) Improve Your Communication Skills. The ability to talk and listen to each
other is one key to a healthy marriage. You should never assume your partner
knows what you are thinking or feeling. Tell your spouse what is going on—and
as a spouse, know when to simply listen. Learning to really hear your partner is
a skill that may require practice. There are many resources available like books,
marriage education workshops and online courses. All of these options can help
couples learn how to communicate more effectively.
9) Forgive Each Other. If he or she hasn’t already, your partner is going to do
something that hurts, frustrates or upsets you. Guess what, you are going to do
the same thing! Sometimes it might even be on purpose after an argument or
misunderstanding. Forgiveness is a tricky but important virtue in a marriage
especially since no one is perfect. Try to allow your partner some room to make
a few mistakes because you will also make some of your own. When you make a
mistake, act quickly to apologize and fix problems. Doing so will help to
encourage forgiveness and strengthen your marriage.
10) Look for the Best in Each Other. When you met your partner, you fell in love
with some of his or her wonderful qualities. Over time however, your view of
those qualities may have changed. For example, he may have been really good at
saving money when you met. Now you just think he’s cheap! Give each other the
benefit of the doubt and create a list of all the things you love about your partner.
It will help you to fall in love all over again!
Thank you to David Jones, a Certified Family Life Educator and author of a variety
of relationship tools for fathers, for contributing to this tip sheet.
Labels: marriage success
Qualities of a Healthy Marriage
Several social scientists, in examining “healthy marriages,” have identified a number of traits, qualities and skills of people who had been able to maintain successful, satisfying relationships. These people:
1.
Share a healthy philosophy of life with clear ideals
2.
Are growing in friendship and respect as well as love for each other
3.
Share many interests and activities together
4.
Enjoy each other’s company
5.
Are trusting and trustworthy, are interpersonally honest yet tactful
6.
Are interdependent
7.
Are proud of each other’s achievements, and give realistic praise
8.
Are interested in and respect each other’s work
9.
Share in decision making
10.
Try to share and make monotonous work interesting, such as household chores
11.
Have realistic hopes linked to attainable goals
12.
Take responsibility for decisions and behavior
13.
Will, if education is needed to reach goals, patiently delay marriage to continue their schooling
14.
Have a mindset which sees problems as challenges to be solved
15.
Have usually been seriously interested in at least three other possible mates before making their final choice, and have affected “break-ups” in non-destructive ways
16.
Are able to live within their financial means
17.
Are ware of their weaknesses and show efforts at constructive change
18.
Use criticism wisely, but maintain a balance in which there is more praise than criticism
19.
Are "real" people, genuine and authentic
20.
Find that the growing relationship helps each person become more sure of him/herself
21.
Engage in healthy physical activities – get adequate nutrition, exercise and sleep
22.
Restrict their use of sarcasm, nagging, embarrassment and complaining
23.
Enjoy talking and listening to one another, even when discussing areas of conflict
24.
Experienced courtships that were not frantic or rushed (over 60% of the early divorces were due to hurried marriages- where the couples were very young, not well acquainted, and where the engagement period was very short)
25.
Are empathic and attempt to understand and meet their partner’s needs
26.
Did not elope (4/5 of couples who elope, divorce)
27.
Enjoy giving of themselves to others – they desire to give as well as to get
28.
Used their courtship time to thoroughly get acquainted, and grow in love
29.
Carefully consider the issues that face them, evaluating the pros and cons of alternatives. They try not to jump to hasty conclusions regarding important relationship issues
30.
Marry out of respect and affection, not out of pity or sympathy
31.
Enjoy each other’s families, in spite of their possible faults
32.
Talked through a number of sexual issues during their engagement period
33.
Enjoy a healthy, non-destructive and appropriate use of humor
34.
Are satisfied with the amount of affection demonstrated in their relationship
35.
Try to change personal habits that are irritating to their spouse
36.
Try not to dwell on past mistakes, but look ahead to ways of avoiding similar situations in the future
37.
Are able to forgive and receive forgiveness from one another
Labels: marriage success
THERAPY
MARRIAGE COUNSELING
Read more...
Conflict, Confrontation & Communication
Infidelity
Entrepreneurial Couples
Love, sex and intimacy
Maintaining a strong marriage
Balancing life as a dual-career couple
Breaking the cycle of co-dependence
Advice for Singles Only
Maintaining a Strong Marriage
A strong marriage requires constant and loving attention, which can be fun but is also hard work. This is because marriage changes as each partner grows and changes. For most people to be happy in their marriage they need to feel respected and cherished. For many, passion, trust, friendship and safety are other essential aspects of the relationship with their spouse.
Judith Wallerstein, in her book The Good Marriage, outlines nine critical psychological tasks that take place in a healthy marriage:
To separate emotionally from the family of one’s childhood in order to invest fully in the marriage and to redefine the lines of connection with both families of origin.
To build togetherness by creating the intimacy that supports is while carving out each partner’s autonomy.
To embrace the daunting role of parenthood and to absorb the impact of the baby’s dramatic entrance while the couple works to protect their privacy.
To confront and master the inevitable crises of life, maintaining the strength of the bond in the face of adversity.
To create a safe haven for the expression of differences, anger and conflict.
To establish a rich and pleasurable sexual relationship and protect it from the incursions of the workplace and family obligations.
To use laughter and humor to keep things in perspective, and to avoid boredom by sharing fun, interests and friends.
To provide nurturance and comfort to each other, satisfying each partner’s needs for dependency and offering continuing encouragement and support.
To keep alive the early romantic, idealized images of falling in love while facing the sober realities of the changes wrought by time.
There are times when you might be struggling with one of these tasks. Maybe you’re having problems with your in-laws, experiencing sexual tension or you feel bored and isolated. You might need to seek the guidance of a marriage counselor to help you develop the tools you need to succeed.
Dr. Kathy Marshack can help you. She is accepting new clients and has two office locations for your convenience. If you live in the Portland, Oregon or Vancouver, Washington area (or can drive to these locations) please call to set up your first appointment. See Therapy FAQs for more information. If you live elsewhere, we can arrange telephone consultation or we are happy to advise you on how to locate a qualified marriage and family therapist in your area.
Labels: marriage success
Marriage is an interesting concept.
People marry for lots of reasons, and almost every instance ends up in a marriage.
Some marry for money, some marry for fame, some marry because it’s time, while others marry due to parental pressure.
The best reason to marry for me, is to marry for love.
While I was going through marriage counselling, our marriage counsellor told us, it’s not love that sustains the marriage, but the marriage that sustains the love.
I can be quite dense sometimes, especially when it comes to love, relationships and marriage.
I know the concept of marriage intellectually, but I feel that marriage having emotional components, it’s something that my mind cannot fully fathom.
Men and marriage sometimes are like chalk and cheese.
Not because we don’t respect the institution of marriage, but because it may be less ‘task-oriented’ than work.
At work, we know we clock in the 9-to-5 workday (more often it’s a 9-to-9 workday), but with marriage, there are no official marriage rules, there is no martial handbook.
Sure there might be the bible, popular bestsellers like The Rules, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.
But what do they really know about the intricacies of marriage?
And for what matter what do I REALLY know about marriage (compared to what I THINK I know about marriage).
Buddhist monk Adjahn Brahmavisimo said “To know and not do is not to know.”
Marriage for me is a long learning journey, being sensitive and knowing that the marriage was the first step in the process.
Marriage is a process where we begin as marital newbies, get used to how each other is REALLY like, as opposed to our pre-martial perception of each other.
When you wake up one day and realize the other person either doesn’t leave the toilet seat down, or leaves the toothpaste uncapped, you will then see their ‘intra-marriage’ persona. Some may run screaming, thinking their soulmate has metamorphosised into some sort of alien creature shortly after the marriage ceremony. Still others may wonder about the mysteries of marriage, whether it’s meant to be, whether they’re destined not to access membership to the married people’s club.
For me, there’s no question about it.
Marriage is a journey of exploration and discovery, it ‘marries’ the best of two people into a combination that’s greater than the sum of the parts.
Labels: marriage success
Ten Tips for a Happy Marriage
by Neli A. Rogers, MS, LMFT
Most people believe marriage is important and that the family is the fundamental unit of society. People get married with great hopes to “live happily ever after,” but it is not easy to maintain the love and happiness they experienced during courtship in the day-to-day struggles of married life.
I have worked with couples for many years as a marriage and family therapist, and as such I have developed many practical ideas to help couples build a happy marriage. Here are my top ten tips.
Discover what makes each other happy. Couples need to live what I call the Golden Rule for Married Couples: Do unto the other as he or she would like it done. Often in a loving relationship, people tend to use projection—the subjective act of attributing one’s own feelings to others; the tendency to “hear” others’ feelings in relationship to one’s own self-concept and experiences. When spouses use projection, they think that what they want is the same as what their spouse wants. We are all individuals and we are all different. Therefore, what makes one partner happy may not necessarily be what makes the other partner happy. If you take time to find out what each other really wants and “do unto to the other as he/she would like it done,” your relationship will flourish.
Share alike in doing the household chores. Research has shown that couples who work together stay together. Both husband and wife need to feel they are equally yoked. This will bring a sense of equality in the marriage and will help prevent feelings of resentment that could come if one spouse is doing more for the family and relationship than the other. Couples need to be very clear about what is expected of each other regarding household duties. The most important rule to follow here is that both partners agree to the division of duties. Be clear and straightforward when discussing roles.
Be respectful and caring even when you are resolving conflicts in the relationship. When people are upset, they tend to act on their emotions. To be successful in relationships, sometimes people need to behave differently from how they feel. Couples need to learn how to regulate their emotions so they don’t “take it out” on each other. You should not engage in trying to resolve issues when you are too emotionally upset and unable to be reasonable and caring towards each other. If needed, take a time out, cool off first, and rehearse the conversation in your mind before you discuss it with your spouse. Make a firm decision never to be disrespectful to your partner even in the heat of battle.
Learn good communication skills. To be successful in marriage, you need to be able to communicate your thoughts, feelings, needs, and wants in a straightforward manner. You also need to be a good listener. Allow your spouse to express his or her thoughts, feelings, needs, and wants freely and safely.
Learn how to stay in love. Spend time together building your relationship. When couples are courting, they spend a lot of time together, and when they are not together, they find ways to communicate often. After marriage, some couples drift apart. They no longer spend as much time together, are not as affectionate, and don’t devote special attention to each other as they did during courtship. This leads couples to lose their loving feelings toward each other. You need to spend quality couple’s time together frequently to continue to build the relationship. Go on dates regularly to have fun, not to discuss issues. Keep the love alive!
Maintain a healthy physical relationship. Physical intimacy is different for men and women. Both spouses should be mindful of each other’s needs and reach compromises that will fulfill these needs. After children arrive, it becomes more difficult for a couple to maintain the same level of physical intimacy, but you need to make time to keep your physical relationship a priority.
Do everything with common consent. People in happy marriages never do important things without an agreement between the spouses. Couples need to balance the feelings and interests of both partners when making decisions. You need to make sure you understand how important an issue is to each other and only decide on a course of action after you both have agreed and are happy with the decision. Don’t expect to have everything your own way; be willing to compromise.
Little changes in you can lead to huge changes in the relationship. Sometimes when people are in a conflicted relationship, they feel discouraged because they think the changes required to resolve their relationship issues are too great and they’ll never be able to accomplish such changes. However, often all you need to do is find one or two small but significant things to change, and this will alter the direction you are headed. Over time, these changes will lead you to a very different place. You may need the help of a professional to identify what these significant changes might be.
Be grateful for each other. Gratitude has been statistically linked to happiness and hope. In every relationship there are positives and negatives. Find the positives in your relationship. Be grateful for your partner and express your love and gratitude for each other daily.
Develop empathy. Empathy means to place oneself in another person’s shoes and understand how he or she feels. It is a process of partial identification with the feelings of others while still being aware that the others’ feelings are owned by them and are somewhat different from yours. It focuses upon the feelings of the other. When you have empathy toward your spouse, you will be more effective in applying the other tips for a successful marriage.
Labels: marriage success
Mothers At Home Offers Suggestions for Maintaining a Loving Marriage
January 2000
Many family counselors believe the best gift you can give your children this Valentine's Day is a strong marriage.
The minutiae of daily life, from household and job responsibilities to caring for children, can often take their toll on a marriage. Mothers A Home urges parents everywhere to take time to strengthen their marriages. Finding a few minutes a day to give affection, share concerns and offer emotional support goes a long way in maintaining a strong and loving marriage.
"The most important thing is that strong marriages tend to foster the next generation's healthy marriages," says Dr. Isabelle Fox, developmental psychologist and author of Being There: The Benefits of a Stay-at-Home Parent. "In a strong marriage, you are showing conflict resolution skills, kindness and consideration. If those values aren't shown at home, it's very hard for the child to learn them. And having a strong marriage frees us to relate with our children in a healthy way."
Mothers At Home is the nation's oldest and one of the largest non-profit support organizations for at-home mothers. Subscribers to our monthly journal, Welcome Home, often write to us sharing strategies with regard to how they handle challenges in their family life. Over the years, mothers from across the country have offered the following ideas for strengthening a marriage.
1. Begin with the right attitude: Your marriage comes first.
Your marriage will suffer unless you make it a priority, and continue to work at it. This is not always easy for busy parents. Little things count. Show each other affection, including a kiss goodbye and hello. Do small favors for each other, such as filling the gas tank for him or paying the bills for her. Teach your children what a happy marriage is by your daily example.
2. Schedule a few minutes of “Mom and Dad” time in the early evening.
Don't wait until the children are in bed to share your concerns, joys and events of the day. After arriving home from work, spend the first 10-15 minutes with the children. Next, it's mom and dad's turn. Let the children know that they are to allow Mom and Dad private time to discuss the day. Encourage your children to read a book, allow them to watch a short video or bring out a special toy or game while you enjoy some uninterrupted time for discussion and reconnecting.
3. Have a regular date night.
Go out together without the children on a regular basis. If finances are an issue, it doesn't have to be expensive. Go out for coffee and browse through the local bookstore together. You don't even have to leave the house. Swap baby-sitting with a neighbor; cook a nice dinner, light some candles and enjoy a romantic evening at home before it's time to pick up the kids. Spending time together away from the children allows couples to recharge their marriage and enjoy activities they may have done more frequently before children arrived on the scene.
4. Turn off the TV.
If your typical evening routine means separate rooms for work or TV, change your routine. If you prefer to read, discuss what you're reading. After the kids are asleep, turn on the radio and dance to your favorite old tunes. Play a game of cards, scrabble or chess. Cozy up to the fire and share your latest dreams. Get in the routine of taking family or mom-and-dad walks together after dinner or on weekends, even if it's just around the block. Mom and dad can have a few moments to focus undivided attention on each other in a pleasant setting away from the phone, TV and chores.
5. Have a daily "check-in".
Make it a habit to touch base at least once throughout the day to see how your spouse's day is going. If he's got a big meeting or project due, call after his appointment and find out how things went. If mom is home with the kids, dad could check to see how their day is going. When a spouse is out of town, leave an occasional message on his or her office voice mail or e-mail. It will be a pleasant surprise among a string of business messages. Slip a loving note into your spouse's brief case or bagged lunch as a special surprise. A loving, encouraging word can often give you or your spouse the strength you need to make it through a difficult day.
6. Focus on the positive, and bring a giving attitude to your relationship.
Consider the unique contributions that your spouse brings to your family and your relationship. Write down a list of the qualities you appreciate in your spouse. Then write a note to your spouse praising and thanking him or her for the unique and special qualities and efforts he or she brings to your family. Provide a positive example for your children by also frequently thanking your spouse aloud in front of them for his or her work and contributions. Romance often grows from valuing your spouse for his or her role as a parent, and for all he or she does for your family.
7. Play together.
Find a sport or other activity to do together or as a couple. For example, take up tennis lessons together. Or sign up as co-coaches of your son or daughter's soccer team, or join a couples’ book discussion group.
8. Work on keeping your marriage "young."
Once in a while, pretend you're still “dating.” Flirt, kid around and hold hands. Occasionally, visit the places you frequented when you were courting, such as a favorite park or restaurant. Go to bed at the same time. Even if you're exhausted, cuddling after a difficult day can keep the spark in your romance.
9. Get away together overnight or for a weekend.
Consider a second honeymoon or weekend away – adults only. Or ask grandparents or friends to keep the children overnight and surprise your spouse with a night on the town and an overnight stay at a local hotel. Being alone together for more than a few hours allows both spouses to relax away from the responsibilities of chores, house projects and children's homework assignments.
10. Share your short- and long-term goals and dreams.
On an annual basis, such as after the New Year or on your wedding anniversary, go out to dinner together to discuss your goals and dreams. Expressing your goals allows you to better see your future together, and helps you work together as a couple to achieve those goals.
Labels: marriage success
