Marriage Break Up - No-one is Immune
by Dale Harcombe |
12 MAR 2009 02:06 PM
None of us is immune. How often do we hear of marriages breaking up, sometimes after a short time but other times after many years together?
I was saddened recently to read of the marriage break up of a minister I admired. His sermons were biblical, thoughtful and practical. Sadly, it seems he spent so much time on church matters that his own marriage suffered. As Mary Ann pointed out - if people don't get what they want from a marriage they tend to seek it elsewhere.
This attitude of society to seeking fulfillment outside the marriage shows up in our newspapers, in our forums here, as well as our movies. It was obvious yesterday and one of the things that struck both Mick and I as we had a day date and went to the movies to see Revolutionary Road.
So how can you protect you marriage from this happening? Here are four tips.
Make time for each other as a couple Many problems occur because men and women get caught up in other things and are, quite simply, too busy, so one partner feels neglected. Whether it is long hours at work and commuting, time with mates, hobbies, church commitments or whatever, it all means that time spent on these things means less time for each other, less time together. Value your marriage and make time for each other as a couple, instead of putting other things ahead of alone time as a couple. Make time together a priority. Maybe set aside at least one night a week as a date night - just for the two of you.
Talk to your spouse when you have problems. Faithfulness and loyalty need to be more than just words. Be faithful to your marriage partner and loyal to them, by not sharing too much of your personal life with friends. Respect your marriage and your spouse.
Show your spouse in word and deeds how much they mean do to you. Don't let a day go by without letting them know how important they are to you.
Pay attention to your marriage. If you want a beautiful garden you have to put work into achieving it. If you want a good marriage you have to put work into achieving it. The end result is worth it.
Labels: Marriage Break Up - No-one is Immune
How To Save Your Marriage
If your wife is breaking up with you and you want to give yourself the best chance of getting her back then the first thing that you absolutely must do is agree with her.
Your confidence is key to saving your marriage
If your wife is breaking up with you and you want to give yourself the best chance of getting her back then the first thing that you absolutely must do is agree with her. Go through with the separation and don t argue with her. Once you are apart you will be free. Free to start building your confidence and looking forward to the making up process.
Sooner or later your wife is going to be looking for a new man. A guy who is confident and self assured. Someone who is capable of living his own life while protecting her at the same time. You can be this guy if you want to be and one of the ways you can help yourself to turn into the man she wants is to start dating other women. You won t get your wife back just because you ve been out on dates but it will give your confidence a boost that your ex is bound to notice.
Take some well earned time off from your wife
Pleading with your wife to change her mind about the breakup is not going to work. This is what most guys do in this situation because it s what all your instincts are telling you that you should do. This is why most men fail to save their marriages. All you will succeed in doing is push your wife further away and make things even worse than they were before.
Tell your partner that you re cool with the separation. You can even tell her that you were going to suggest the same thing. This will diffuse the situation and put her at ease. She will feel that she can still talk to you which will be a big advantage to you in the next few weeks.
Now that you are a free man again for a while you must start to work on yourself. Use the gym regularly, buy some new clothes and start dating other women. Start turning yourself into someone your ex wife will find attractive. Remember you did it once so you can do it again.
How to boost your confidence by talking to women
It s hard at first. I know because I ve been there. You ve probably forgotten how to talk to women and you may be a little frightened by the thought of it. Well you have to get over that. Force yourself to take the plunge and just say something to a woman. Anything it doesn t matter much what you say, the point is just give it a go.
What surprised me when I did this after 18 years of hardly looking at another woman is that they will talk back to you. Yes it s true, most of them will say something back even if it s very brief. After you ve done this once or twice it will start to get easier I promise.
Dating women will improve your chances of getting your ex back
There are plenty of women willing to exchange a few words with you while shopping or waiting at airports or hotels. If you talk to enough of them then sooner or later you ll end up having coffee or dating. If you want to speed up the process then you can find your dates online at one of the many dating web sites. It worked for me.
When you realize that there are women out there who want to date you and have a good time in your company you will find out how much of a tremendous boost to your confidence it can be. This is the confidence you are looking for. The confidence to know that you don t need your ex wife any more even though you still love her and want to get back with her.
How to save marriage It s easier when you don t need to
If you don t need your ex anymore but you still love her then now is the time to think about making your wife love you again. You re a new man and that s exactly what she s looking for but be careful not to blow it by going in unprepared. There is a right and a wrong way to do this and you need a plan so do some reading and think about what you re going to do before you do it.
Learn the secrets of getting your wife back that most guys don't know: http://www.howdo-i.com/save-my-marriage/how-can-i-make-my-wife-love-me-again.php All marriages can be saved if you handle it right http://howdo-i.com/save-my-marriage/ Remember - Chance favors the prepared mind.
Labels: How To Save Your Marriage
COPING WITH BREAKUP
Marriage and Relationship Breakup
When coping with breakup, such as marriage and relationship breakup, or breakup of any close friendship, all of us may experience pain and sorrow at times, it’s a natural part of the grieving process. When you feel like this is getting out of hand, adversely affecting areas of your life and how well you function, then it’s probably time to consider help.
The decision to end a relationship is always a hard one, usually made by one person. Before that decision is made a lot has usually gone on, a relationship breakup happens slowly. Before making the decision ask the following questions:
1. Is it possible to make changes within your relationship?
2. What , if anything can I do to improve things?
3. Are there clear advantages to breaking up?
This will help you appraise honestly whether things are so bad there is no alternative.
A marriage and relationship breakup is a process rather than a single event, so each partner won't necessarily be at the same emotional point when the decision is made. Unstable emotions may be the name of the game for a period of time. NLP Therapy can help you evaluate what you want, both from this relationship, and future ones.
Telling your family and friends that your marriage or relationship isn't working and that you are getting divorced can be:
a. Stressful.
b. Emotional.
c. Final.
d. Life Changing.
Plus
The "Plus" is the unexpected responses you may receive when family and friends first react to the news of your relationship breakup. These responses can vary from embarassment, celebration (he/she was never good enough for you!), to criticism and anger.
So you may find yourself dealing with your own changing emotions, and the emotions of those around you.
If you are preparing to end a relationship, NLP techniques can help stabilize those emotions during what is a difficult process. Being prepared and having support can help enormously, and reduce the emotional aftermath.
Identify supportive friends, ones who look at every situation as a potential opportunity and who are always ready to give without keeping score. Identify them and stay close. You know who they are. You feel it. You sense it.
Use professional help when coping with breakup. This will help you face any challenges that lie ahead. With knowledge you can cope, without it you may fear what you don't know. Knowledge is power.
NLP techniques can also be used to make coping with breakup easier for you and those around you. By using and identifying past resourceful states and utilizing aspects of time line therapy it becomes possible to see a brighter future. A way forward. Using anchoring can help make physiological changes so you feel healthier in mind, body and spirit.
These techniques won’t erase the value of the relationship, or its pleasant memories, but will help you to move on and be emotionally ready for new relationships, so that you can:
1. Like yourself.
2. Stop comparing (and despairing) yourself to others.
3. Start making full use of your abilities.
4. Start viewing your mistakes as a way of learning.
5. Start finding ways to change your life for the better.
6. Start taking action rather than planning action.
7. Learn to accept compliments.
8. Treat yourself as your best friend.
9. Be patient with yourself.
10. Forgive yourself - what's done is done.
Labels: COPING WITH BREAKUP
13 Warning Signs Your marriage is in Trouble
Lisa Daily
13 Warning Signs Your marriage is in Trouble
Looking for tell-tale signs that your love will last through next week?
Well, look no further. Below you'll find the "Unlucky 13" -13 warning signs you're about to get dumped.
We surveyed a variety of experts to find the most common warning signs a person is about to get dumped --including psychologists, body language experts, graphologists, investigators and a divorce attorney. And here's what we found:
1. Is it romantic Armageddon, or just uncomfortable shoes?
Where the toes point, the heart follows. According to body language expert Patti Wood, MA, CSP, you should, "look at your sweetie's feet when you are out with other people." She says, "if they are pointed at you, great." If they're pointed at someone else, your partner may be looking to walk.
2. You're starting to feel like a telemarketer.
Is your sweetie anxious to end phone conversations right away? A person who knows he's going to end the relationship with you, but hasn't done so yet will be itching to get off the phone with you. If he is talking to you, but not adding anything to the conversation it's sign he is heading towards the finish line. He's probably just pacing himself.
3. He's no longer interested in sex, or worse, he has a new bag of tricks and a trapeze with the tags still on it.
A dramatic change in sexual behavior can mean two things:
a) He wants to avoid any situation where he might have to express emotion or attachment to you, or
b) He's getting it somewhere else.
4. He avoids talking about the future.
We're not just talking the general, garden-variety aversion that men have to discussing relationships. We're talking about a man who avoids having one of those "we have to talk" talks like it's a shot of the Plague. As for the future, when next Thursday seems like too much of a commitment, it could be because he's trying to extricate himself by Wednesday night.
5. He says, "I need some space" or "I think we should see other people."
According to psychologist Jesse Rabinowitz, PhD, people don't usually want to hurt someone else, so they use "exit strategies." By telling you he wants to see other people, he's not technically breaking up with you (so no big crying scene to endure) but he's given himself a way out. Of course, the second he gets a little distance, he's going to make a run for it.
6. If he's looking left, something's not right.
According to Bill Raduenz, private investigator, a person who looks up into the air and to the left when he speaks to you is "not being truthful." The look left is an indication we're using the "creative" side of our brains and a good indicator he's telling you a whopper.
7. He gives you that little pat on the back.
Watch out for this one. A person who gives you a hug while patting you on the back is indicating that they are uneasy. According to Raduenz, the "hand pat" on the back indicates someone is uncomfortable with what they're doing. The bigger the pat, the more discomfort they feel.
8. You don't like what you see in the mirror.
People mirror each other's body language when they are in love with similar gestures, voice volume, etc. If you're noticing the two of you are out of sync, you probably are.
9. You see the writing on the wall.
According to graphologist Karen Weinberg, QDE, a person who is thinking of ending a relationship will show clues in his handwriting. When writing the word "love" he may begin to drop down the letter "e." Another sign to watch for is if your partner diminishes the size of your name (sign of your importance to him.)
10. Every normal person should know which way the toilet paper goes...
If he's picking silly fights, or there's an unusual increase in emotional distance, you've got bad news.
According to Melvyn Frumkes, an attorney specializing in divorce, "a person who picks nonsensical arguments is trying to get the other person (you) to make the first move."
11. He keeps you waiting. And waiting. And waiting.
"Time is an important non-verbal communicator," says Wood. If he keeps you waiting, it's a sign his interest is waning, and a sign of disrespect.
This is true for dates as well. If he starts waiting until the very last minute to make date plans with you, it's likely he's lost interest, or he's hoping something better will come along and he's using you as a back-up.
12. He buys a personal pager, or a pre-paid cell phone.
This is bad news. Just about every private investigator in the book will tell you the pager purchase is a sign of impending heartbreak. Sure, it could be for work, but more likely, he's using it to get a head start on his post-you life. Beep Beep - Bye Bye.
13. He used to be a three-blue-shirts-and-four-pair-of-Chinos kind of guy, and suddenly he's obsessed with Armani.
According to Frumkes, a person who is about to leave (or is cheating) will take greater care with his appearance - updating his wardrobe, losing weight, working out and even changing cologne. If your sweetie looks like he just finished taping an episode of "A Makeover Story" - Those Chinos might not be the only dud he's looking to lose.
Want to know when you're most likely to get the axe? Most experts agree it's somewhere in the neighborhood of the first 3-5 months. So, stock up on tissues and Ben & Jerry's if you're heading into the danger zone.
Labels: 13 Warning Signs Your marriage is in Trouble
Marriage counseling - Is Talking To A Marriage Counselor Worth The Cost?
Marriage counseling can help with the breaking up so as not to draw out the pain couples are feeling. Breaking up is one of the hardest things for couples to do, after all, they both used to be in love and its hard for both parties involved to acknowledge that the good times are over. There is also the fear of the unknown and what will happen "next". So how should you break up to make it as clean a break as possible?
Give it time
Quite often external influencing factors, such as work, will force one partner to change their behavior, making them unbearable to live with. If this happens and you feel the best solution is to split up, then the best thing is to recognise that your partner has changed because of an outside factor. Therefore, the best approach is to stay in touch and try to be as polite and friendly as possible (via email, occasional phone calls etc). This is because the external circumstances are likely to change again and so you should not burn your bridges.
Step Back
If you have tried all other avenues and the last possible option left is for you to break up, then the best approach is for you to start taking a step back from the relationship. This will enable you to gain emotional and physical distance, preparing you for the actual breaking up. But, try to use this time to evaluate as whether breaking up is really what you want to do.
Don't make excuses
Don't be tempted to make excuses for the breaking up. The problem with excuses is that sooner or later they will back fire and you will feel even worse. Its yet another worry on top of the actual breaking up, and also, your partner will inevitably start to think there are other reasons for the breaking up. This will not enable your partner to make a clean break as they would always feel that they are entitled to know the truth, for closure purposes if nothing else. You'd probably find they would be contacting you with any excuse, often sub-consciously.
Avoid blame
If there is absolutely no other options left other than breaking up, try to be tactful. "Not making excuses" does not mean you have to rip your partner's heart out and step on it! By blaming your partner, even if they are at fault, you will just cause an unnecessary row and bad feeling between you. After all, you are going to break up anyway, so why do it with bad feelings? You will only create an enemy for yourself.
Understanding your moods and behaviour, marriage counseling and making up can help you to avoid the crisis you are faced with.
Labels: marriage counseling
Breaking up is so hard to do in modern marriages
Last Updated: 10:26PM GMT 17 Nov 2006
In happier times: Jude Law and Sadie Frost
After the passion ices over the monetary complication – and bitterness – of separating hurts, says Liz Phillips
Hollywood star Jude Law complained recently that he was hard-up, following his divorce from Sadie Frost.
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The couple have three children – Raffety, 10, Iris, six, and four-year-old Rudy – and Ms Frost is reported to have kept their £4m house in Primrose Hill, north London. If even a successful actor, able to command millions of pounds for a film role, finds divorce tough on the wallet, what about the rest of us?
Many couples facing a break-up assume everything will be split 50-50 but it's not as simple as that. Even short marriages where there are no children may not result in an equal split. The court will look at each partner's contribution to the marriage when deciding how finances should be apportioned.
It isn't only the financial input that counts. In a long marriage where the wife has spent many years looking after the children, this will be taken in to account.
The courts put children's interests ahead of their parents. The courts will generally look to maintain the status quo without either partner suffering a sudden drop in their circumstances.
Divorce lawyer Vanessa Lloyd Platt, of Lloyd Platt & Company, said: "The difficulty comes when there is not enough money to keep everyone in the same lifestyle as they had before, which is often the case. When this happens, the children's housing needs are put first."
So the parent who ends up looking after the children will keep the family home. As this is usually the mother, the husband is either paid out some of its value – not necessarily half – or a charge is put against the house. In this case, he may not receive his share until the children finish full-time education.
Transferring the home in to the wife's name only is complicated. For example, if a couple have been separated for more than three years there is likely to be Capital Gains Tax (CGT) to pay which can be as much as 40 per cent of the value of the transfer, even though there is normally no CGT to pay on transfers between husband and wife. The clock starts ticking from the date of separation.
But with other assets, such as shares and investments, couples only have up to April 5 in the year they separated to transfer them without being hit by CGT.
The Law Society is campaigning for an extension as untangling finances after a divorce can often take longer than a few months.
Tax liabilities also have to be taken in to account when the couple own a second home. Whether it is here or abroad, there is likely to be CGT to pay when it is sold or transferred to a single name.
The next biggest asset is usually retirement savings. A couple's pension funds are added together and are divided in half. This is important for older couples with significant savings.
Half the pension will be transferred to the other spouse and can be kept in the same scheme or moved into their own pension pot. Whoever has the bigger fund will end up compensating the other party.
Maintenance payments are another thorny issue. While children are in full-time education, the father is likely to have to pay up. As a rule of thumb, he pays 15 per cent of his net income for one child, 20 per cent for two and 25 per cent for three or more. The amount is reduced according to how many nights the children spend with him. These were the figures used by the Child Support Agency, but it is being abolished so the rules could change.
The wife may also be entitled to maintenance depending not only on whether she works at the moment but also her earning capacity should she return to work. If she earns as much as her husband she is unlikely to receive any maintenance for herself, while a wife who has never worked may be entitled to maintenance for the rest of her life. Often couples prefer a clean break, in which case a lump sum for her will be based on normal outgoings, inflation and a life expectancy of 83.
Where couples are not married, maintenance will only be granted for the children – not the adult man or woman invovled and neither of them are entitled to a share of any pension fund. Splitting the home is also more difficult.
"Normally, where the house is in one name only, the other person will have to show how they contributed to get a share," said Mrs Lloyd Platt. "If you paid the household bills or part of the mortgage, for example, this may be taken into account but the system for co-habiting couples is a real hotch-potch."
Couples are liable for joint debts. If one person cannot afford the repayments they will fall entirely on the other person. In legal terms this is known as joint and several liability.
The debts can be divided when finalising the divorce. If one of you overspends on the joint credit cards after the break-up, the courts may regard it as wilfully dissipating assets and will take the debt into account when arriving at a settlement.
Business loans secured against the family home can be tricky. Even if one person has nothing to do with the business, they can't escape the associated debts unless they can agree to have these loans removed.
With subsequent marriages, a prenuptial agreement is advisable. "These are more binding now than they used to be," said Mrs Lloyd Platt. "People tend to use them to protect their children from a previous marriage so that they don't lose their inheritance if you split up."
Labels: Breaking up is so hard to do in modern marriages
Joyce McFadden
The Other Woman Can't Break Up Your Marriage. It's Impossible.
If you have the misfortune to be heterosexual, as many of us do, you have enough on your plate just trying to bridge the divide on how differently men and women go about all things sexual. Women don't need the extra headache of watching their backs with their own gender. But when it comes to affairs, the focus often shifts from The Marriage to The Other Woman.
This morning I turned on the Early Show just in time to hear the breaking news that there was a "Battle Over Brad" (!) and that in Vogue "Jennifer Aniston breaks her silence and blasts Angelina Jolie for breaking up her marriage."
The segment went on to pull up quotes from the article in which Aniston didn't appear to use that language at all. She seemed to express more of a distaste for the way Jolie handled it rather than accusing her of husband stealing.
So this is the problem I have with CBS: it took the sexist route. You never hear people say The Other Man stole someone's wife, and men are never referred to as home wreckers. But because the appeal of a catfight is apparently news worthy, CBS pit woman against woman and obfuscated the realities of affairs which are these:
No woman can steal another woman's man, and no woman has the power to break up a marriage. It's always a decision the husband makes, a choice to step deeper into his marriage, or to step further outside it. Women aren't omnipotent sirens who lure poor helpless men, and this is true even of women who might have predatory leanings.
None of us has control over anybody -- which is usually a big fat drag, as anyone who's ever tried to change someone knows, but in this case it's a tremendous relief because it means we only have to worry about our couple -- those outside it don't need our attention because ultimately, they aren't the threat.
Obviously whoever participates in an affair is accountable for their actions, but that's not the same thing as being accountable for the end of a marriage.
If a husband is having an affair, it's the husband who threatens the break up the marriage. If a wife is having an affair, it's the wife.
Labels: The Other Woman Can't Break Up Your Marriage. It's Impossible.
Relationship advice: 5 fights marriages shouldn't break up over (but do)
Listing 5 different reasons that many marriages break up, including jealousy, distrust, boredom and family issues. Tips on how to prevent it and repair relationships.
Thousands of marriages break up every year, that’s a sad fact. They start out great, but something happens along the way. It could be almost immediately that the signs begin showing that one or both mates aren’t happy, or it could take years. Money, careers and egos are often behind the break up of a marriage but there are 5 other reasons that marriages break up, but shouldn’t.
The lack of communication is one reason why marriages finally fall apart. Some couples begin their relationships just by talking, and talking. Then one day, you notice that you don’t talk as much as you used to or that the conversations have little meaning. There could be many different reasons behind this. One is that the couple are tired after work and caring for children, and just don’t feel like talking. After many months of this, you seem to lose the connection you once had. Another communication problem is pretending to like something you don’t, in order to make the other person happy. Good intentions, but they often go sour after you realize that you don’t want to pretend any more. Now the only thing left to do is hurt the person’s feelings or let them know you lied and were only pretending the entire time. This often causes one mate to lose respect for the other.
Jealousy is another reason that many marriages break up. Once married, many people expect their mate to give up friendships, particularly ones with the opposite sex. Many women don’t want men to go out for a night with the boys; many men want their woman to speak to no other man. Arguments follow, and hard feelings. Distrust and finally bitterness result in not being frank with each other about this topic from the beginning. Marriage will change previous relationships somewhat, but no one should have to give up their previous friendships to suit a mate. Trust is important in a relationship and trust goes out the window when either party becomes jealous.
Jokes have been made for many years about in-laws but the fact of the matter is, if you don’t like yours, there could be years of trouble. Some in-laws butt in where they’re not wanted or needed, causing one person to “choose” between the parent or the mate. For some people, it’s simply impossible to choose because they don’t want either person mad at them. This usually angers both the mate and the in-laws, causing further ill feelings. Arguments with, about, and over in-laws can cause irreparable damage to a marriage.
Kids, step kids, your kids, my kids - it can be overwhelming. The birth of a new baby is a beautiful thing, but can cause the dad to feel left out. The mom is often tired and frustrated from dealing with the baby, making the tension very thick in the household. Or the problem could lie with older children, from previous relationships. If you’re the new step mom or step dad, you try really hard to have the kids like you, but maybe they never will. Kids might try to intimidate the new parent, causing hard feelings. Arguments about punishments, curfews and other child issues can cause a rift in the marriage.
Boredom is one of the number one reasons that after years of being together, people break up. Maybe your mate has fallen into the habit of sitting in front of the television, night after night, while you sit alone in the bedroom. Someone at work notices you, smiles, and it’s over. You’re now interested in the new person who pays attention to you. You begin an affair that will eventually end the marriage.
Try to avoid the pitfalls of the typical divorce by being honest with your mate from day one, remembering to do or say little special things to your partner from time to time, and pay attention to your mate, no matter how busy you are. Marriage is a wonderful thing and it doesn’t have to go bad if you and your partner have made up your mind to make it work, no matter what.
Labels: Relationship advice: 5 fights marriages shouldn't break up over (but do)
When, and when not, to get married
With most marriages ending in divorce know the reasons for when and when not to get married.
Today, one out of two marriages will end in divorce. Many people fail to ask themselves why they are getting married and end up marrying for the wrong reasons. Love, of course seems like the best reason. However, it is not. The best reason to marry someone is companionship. For a marriage to be successful, both partners must have a genuine companionship. Of course, there are several reasons why a couple should not get married even if they do have companionship.
People are born with a desire to be loved and give love. It can be the most fulfilling feeling in the world. However, marrying simply because of love is not a good idea. Yes, it may sound very romantic. In fact, it is one of the main reasons people get married. Love alone is not a good reason to get married. Marriages succeed when there is a strong foundation of companionship built by the couple. A strong foundation for marriage includes compatibility, trust, and communication. Couples should ask themselves three questions to decide if marriage is right for them.
First, are we compatible? In a marriage, the definition of compatible slightly changes. It is more than liking the same activities, same foods, same movies and music, etc. Being compatible in a marriage is having the ability to adapt to changes. People constantly change from day to day and will continue to do so in marriages. Work, children, and in-laws are just some of the changes that occur in a marriage. The key is to be on the same page and know how to deal with your relationship when you are not.
Second, do you trust one another? Marriages without trust are marriages that end in divorce. Having your partner's trust is a must have in a relationship. If there is the slightest doubt in either of the partners' mind, then there is no trust. Relationships thrive on trust and cannot survive without it.
Third, is there communication? Lack of communication can destroy a relationship. Communication is very important in a marriage. Married people need to communicate all the time. Talking only when times get rough or not talking at all only hurts the relationship. The lack of communication is also a leading reason for divorces. Divorcees commonly complain that the other partner never listened or avoided conversations with them. Communication is vital to the relationship. If you never communicate, how will you know if you are compatible and if you trust one another?
If you and your partner are able to answer these questions honestly and to one another's satisfaction, marriage is a good idea for the two of you. Having compatibility, trust, and communication in your relationship will build the strong foundation of companionship you need for marriage. However, if one of these factors is not present, getting married is not a good idea. Marriage between two people should only occur when all factors are present.
It is never a good idea to get married for the wrong reasons. Reasons not to get married include getting married due to love at first sight, sexual attraction, to cure loneliness, as an act of rebellion, rebound love, out of obligation, pressure, pregnancy, and for financial gain. Marriages based on these reasons most likely result in divorce. While for some people, one or all of these reasons may seem like the best thing, but they are not. Some of these reasons are selfish and do not take in the considerations of the other partner's feelings.
Love at first sight. Ah, what a feeling! You smile constantly, have butterflies in your tummy, and may feel impulsive. Impulsive enough to get married. Getting married based on love alone is the number one reason not to get married. Love at first sight can be a temporary feeling. The things you do like running off to get married while under its spell can have lasting negative effects. No foundation has been built to support the marriage. Therefore, the marriage has no backbone and will most likely end in divorce. Also, marrying from lust at first sight is a bad idea as well. Marriages based on sexual attraction do not survive.
No one wants to be lonely. Marrying someone simply to avoid being alone the rest of your life is wrong, not only for you but for your mate as well. People fear being alone and will jump into a marriage quickly to avoid it. Chances are you will still be lonely only now you will be lonely in a marriage. These types of marriages have no foundation of companionship and usually result in unhappiness leading to divorce.
Whether you are marrying as an act of rebellion or rebound, neither are a good idea. The acts are selfish. Getting married as a way to get even with someone, parents and/or ex-lover, only hurts the ones who love you and yourself. Rebelling into marriage can have a negative impact on everyone involved. Marrying someone while on the rebound is unfair to the other person. It is easier for someone on the rebound to fall in love because of the need to be loved. People on the rebound tend to marry the wrong person. They are in love with the idea of being in love and not the actual person. Rebound marriages can hurt the other partner who actually may be in love with the rebounded. The rebounded can also be hurt once they realize the mistake they have made.
You should never feel obligated or succumb to pressure to marry someone. These kinds of marriages usually result in divorce. Some couples marry when one of them feels obligated to stay in the relationship or feels too guilty to break it off. Marrying someone to please others is not a good idea. Giving in to pressure from family, friends, society, and/or your partner will only cause you unhappiness. These kinds of marriages are disappointing and commonly result in divorce.
Marrying to avoid being a single parent is never a good idea. While pregnancies out of wedlock are on the rise, so are divorces. Many believe that by getting married because of pregnancy they are doing the right thing. Yes, a child does deserve two parents in their life. However, if a divorce can be avoided then it should. Divorces can turn bitter and have lasting negative effects on children. A child can successfully have two loving parents in their life without the parents marrying.
Lastly, marrying for financial gain is wrong. Many men and women marry for financial gain to escape their current financial situations. This is perhaps the most selfish reason to marry someone. These marriages almost always result in divorce with hurt parties on both sides. Marrying for any of the wrong reasons is a recipe for disaster. Marriage is about commitment. A serious commitment between two people should never be taken lightly. Make sure you are marrying for the right reasons and not the wrong ones.
Labels: and when not, to get married, When
What Does it Take to Get Married Today
It takes more than the license....
By Sheri & Bob Stritof, About.com
With so many marriages throughout the world ending in divorce, many couples wonder what it takes to get married today and to make it last. Some even wonder why they should bother getting married.
Bottom line, if you are questioning why you should get married, don't do it.
If you are a minor, you will find many legal hoops to jump through. The laws are written this way because statistically, most teenagers who marry end up divorced.
If you have decided that marriage is for the two of you, then check out your locale's requirements. Some still require blood tests, waiting periods, cash only for fees, and more. Some states are requiring some pre-marital education, which we highly recommend even if it isn't a formal requirement by your community or church.
For a marriage to be long lasting, a couple needs love, commitment, communication and problem solving skills, fidelity, honesty, ability to handle conflict in a constructive way, respect for one another, realistic expectations, understanding, kindness, and a sense of humor.
Labels: What Does it Take to Get Married Today
Quiz: Should you get married?
By Caroline Jones 5/09/2008
The Queen and Prince Philip
Up your chances of wedded bliss by asking your intended these questions before tying the knot
(1) Do we have good sex?
Why: The importance of being sexually compatible shouldn’t be underestimated. Although there is no way of predicting the future when it comes your libidos, if right now one of you wants sex every night and the other once a month, this could cause serious problems long-term.
For a happy marriage, try to match your sexual needs as closely as possible – or find a compromise you’re both happy with.
Deal breaker: If you’re already having sexual problems, don’t get married until it’s sorted.
(2) Do you have debts I don’t know about?
Why: Money is probably the biggest cause of rows between couples. Marrying someone with debts isn’t necessarily a no-no – as long as they have a decent plan for paying it off. But a long history of unpaid debts should make you think twice. It’s also important to thrash out details such as whether you want joint or separate bank accunts and savings plans. The key is whether you can talk calmly and practically about money.
Deal breaker: If your partner refuses to talk about money, postpone your wedding until he will.
(3) How happy was your childhood?
Why: We learn our beliefs about what makes for a happy marriage and family life from our parents. Studies show that people whose parents had happy marriages are less likely to divorce, while the divorce risk triples if both parties come from a broken home.
This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t marry someone whose parents divorced, but it makes sense to have a serious conversation about how it’s affected his views on marriage beforehand.
Deal breaker: If your partner has unresolved issues about his childhood or hates his parents, don’t rush into marriage as family problems often repeat themselves.
(4) Can you stay faithful?
Why: Open marriages work for a few but most people expect monogamy. If your future husband and you have differing opinions on what cheating is or isn’t, it needs thrashing out.
Deal breaker: If your partner’s already been unfaithful, a ring on his finger is no guarantee he won’t stray again. See if you can build the trust back before you take the plunge.
(5) Do you want kids?
Why: It should ring alarm bells if you don’t agree on whether to have children or not. Thinking that you can deal with this issue later is a mistake. And making a sneaky decision to have a baby when one person doesn’t want to isn’t fair to the child or relationship.
Once you’ve decided you both want kids, it’s also crucial to have discussed issues such as whether childcare requires one parent to stay at home permanently, if you’re in favour of smacking and if religion will be part of their upbringing.
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Deal breaker: If your partner is adamant about not having kids but you want them – or vice versa - don’t marry. The resentment will kill your relationship.
(6) How do you want to spend our free time?
Why: If you have completely different ideas on what the weekend is for, you have a problem. Similarly with holidays, if one of you yearns for a week in the Maldives, the other visiting churches in Cornwall, you need to square it now.
Balancing work and family time is never easy, so the more you have in common here the fewer rows.
Compromise is key, which could mean agreeing to take it turns to pick holiday destinations.
Deal breaker: If your partner is a workaholic who never takes time off, you’ll be signing up for a lifetime of holidays alone. Similarly if you feel strongly about something your partner refuses to stop (drinking with his mates or staying late at work), you’re in for years of rows and resentment.
(7) How much time will we spend with our in-laws?
Why: It’s amazing how many problems difficult in-laws can cause for even the most happily married couples.
You need to discuss how much time you expect to spend around each other’s parents - including when grandchildren come on the scene.
Plus, what about caring for them as they age? Would you happily have them live with you or prefer a nursing home? It’s important to discuss this now.
Deal breaker: If you hate his parents but he’s very close to them, is marrying into the family is going to work?
(8) Will you clean the loo?
Why: A lifetime with a partner who won’t do their fair share around the house is miserable, so find out now what his attitude to housework is. If the answer is “Isn’t that your job?” you can either accept you’ll be doing 99 per cent of the chores, or try to find out why that’s his attitude. Often, if men grow up watching their mother doing everything, they assume that’s the norm. See if you can negotiate ‘his’ and ‘her’ jobs.
Deal breaker: If this doesn’t work, call it off. It’s another issue that doesn’t suddenly get better after you wed.
(9) Where do you want to live?
Why: Because you’re unlikely to stay in the same house or town forever, you need to know if you agree on potential locations. If one of you wants to move closer to their parents, how does the other feel? Perhaps you live in the city now, but dream of escaping to the country? You should also talk about how you’d cope if your job relocated to another town or even country.
Deal breaker: If you’re certain you want to live in the UK, but your partner’s desperate to be abroad.
(10) How do you see retirement?
Why: It might seem years off, but according to the Office for National Statistics, there’s been a rise in couples divorcing after they reach pension age. This is often because they’ve got incompatible ideas of how to spend their ‘golden years’. Although plans change, it’s a good idea to find out now if your dream of a villa in Spain chimes with his plan to take up trainspotting.
Deal breaker: If your future spouse won’t discuss this, you need to have a serious talk about long-lasting marriage expectations.
Labels: Quiz: Should you get married?
Miss USA's gay marriage controversy
Just when I thought nothing could ever make me care about the Miss USA pageant ever again, Perez Hilton goes and makes it kind of interesting.
Acting as a celebrity judge for the competition, which aired on NBC last night, Hilton asked Miss California Carrie Prejean (previously rumored to be a favorite, in case you weren't keeping track) her opinion on same-sex marriage. Prejean had the decency to look a little stressed as she came up with this somewhat garbled, ultimately obnoxious response, for which she got both cheers and boos:
"I think it's great that Americans are able to choose one or the other. We live in a land that you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage and, you know what, in my country and my family I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anyone out there but that's how I was raised and that's how I think it should be, between a man and a woman."
So, three cheers for "opposite marriage," then?
Hilton, in a video blog on his site, decided once more to forgo that lofty high road, calling Prejean a "dumb bitch" and claiming it was the "worst answer in pageant history," which has prompted at least one staunch gay marriage opponent -- that is, Michelle Malkin -- to demand he issue an apology.
Prejean came in second place to aspiring motivational speaker Kristen Dalton
Labels: Miss USA's gay marriage controversy
Sexual abuse - don't hide it
Don’t hide it! That’s the message behind the NSPCC’s latest campaign against sexual abuse. But what is sexual abuse? And where can you turn to if you think it’s happening to you? Children First for Health investigates…
A new NSPCC study shows that 16 per cent of young people have experienced some form of sexual abuse. Yet in reality the figure is probably much higher than this, as people often don’t like to talk about, or report what is happening to them.
One of the main reasons is because sexual abuse is still a very taboo subject and sometimes it can be difficult to find someone you trust and open up to. But help is at hand according to policy manager Lucy Thorpe at the NCPCC.
What’s not OK and what is?
Sometimes young people are sexually abused without actually realising it. Sexual abuse can cover a wide range of different things from “stroking, touching, kissing and having sex; basically any unwanted sexual activity,” points out Lucy.
What’s not OK?
When a person has sex with you
When a person gets you to watch porn movies
When a person takes pictures of your private parts
When a person strokes your private body parts
When a person kisses or touches you
When a person watches you without any clothes on
When a person wants you to talk dirty
Courtesy of NSPCC.
This can be OK
When someone touches you on the arm
When someone hugs you
When a parent or carer washes your private parts because you can’t do it yourself
When someone gives you sweets
If you have sex with someone your own age and you both think it’s OK
Courtesy of NSPCC.
Who does it happen to?
Sexual abuse can happen to boys and girls of all ages but it increases around the age of 13. This is the time when you start to get boyfriends and girlfriends and experiment with sex. But according to Lucy, it’s important to remember that if you are being abused it is never your fault. It is usually a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Sex abuse tends to happen because of problems with the person who abuses, not the person they abuse. Unfortunately it can sometimes make you lose your confidence and feel bad about yourself. You may feel dirty and even blame yourself for what is happening. This is totally natural but it doesn’t make it right.
Who does it?
You may be frightened and told by your abuser that it’s a secret and that you shouldn’t tell anyone,” explains Lucy. But you must try and get help soon and speak up!
Sexual abuse tends to happen to people by someone they know like their dad, brothers, boyfriends, uncles or even teachers. Stranger danger is a bit of a myth and chances are you probably already know that person. Abusers tend to choose to work with young people. Sometimes they may pick on people who are on their own or have already been bullied.
“You may be frightened and told by your abuser that it’s a secret and that you shouldn’t tell anyone,” explains Lucy. “In some extreme cases they may even say something bad or life threatening will happen to you if you dare to speak up. But this is not case and you must try and get help soon.”
Speak up
Speaking up can be very difficult but by doing so you can stop the cycle of abuse and start to get better and enjoy life again. Some people might not feel they can approach a family member or friend and if this is the case Childline runs a free confidential service. They can offer you advice on the best way of dealing with your individual situation. They can also help if you feel in danger or need immediate help. Alternatively try speaking to a doctor, teacher or the local police. There is also a website with real stories from the NSPCC which you may find helpful. www.donthideit.com
Will my family or I be in danger?
If you speak up you and your family will not be in danger and you won’t get anyone into trouble. A social worker will explain what will happen to you and tell you your rights. The person that is abusing will need to recognise that what they are doing is wrong and they may be sent away for some time. You may also need to go away to be safe for a little while. But this will hopefully stop what is happening to you and make the situation better.
Remember it’s your body and you should always have a say if someone can touch you or not!
Labels: Sexual abuse - don't hide it
Surviving sexual abuse
Sexual abuse is a serious crime and can have many short and long term effects on a victim or survivor. The effects of sexual abuse are not the same for every person. People may feel a variety of emotions that depend on their own circumstances.
If you are currently at risk or in a situation of abuse and live in South Australia, you can call 131 444 for Police assistance.
For further assistance in South Australia you can call:
Crisis Care - 13 16 11
Youth Healthline - 1300 13 17 19
Kids Helpline (if you are under 18 years) - 1800 55 1800
Lifeline - 13 11 14
Yarrow Place Rape and Sexual Assault Service (if you are over 16)
- 8226 8777 or after hours 8226 8787; country callers - 1800 817 421
If you would like to report sexual abuse to the Families SA Child Abuse Report Line, please phone 13 1478.
In other states and countries please call your local crisis service or police service.
You can ask for help from these services even if the abuse happened some time ago.
Sexual abuse
Sexual abuse can be physical, verbal and/or emotional. It is an abuse of power and often of trust by someone who uses another person for his or her own sexual pleasure. Sexual assault refers to any unwanted actions that are of a sexual nature that make the victim feel frightened or hurt them in some way.
What kinds of things are sexual abuse?
Everyone has the right to feel safe all the time. If someone is making you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, then it could be sexual abuse.
So, what might be happening? It could involve:
having parts of your body touched in a sexual way
being kissed inappropriately, in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable
being told to touch parts of your own body
being made to touch parts of another person's body
being made to watch someone masturbate or touch their own body in a sexual way
being made, by coercion or physical force, to act or model for pornographic purposes, or to watch pornographic material
being watched while showering or changing
putting objects (including penis and fingers) in the anus or mouth, and for young women, the vagina
making you have sex, or do sexual things with other people (rape)
making sexual comments and suggestions to you
sending sexual comments or suggestions to you via SMS or email.
Sexual abuse, sexual assault and the law
Sexual assault, rape and sexual abuse are illegal. The law says that if you did not freely agree to any sexual acts, then you have not said 'yes'. Legally you can only agree to sexual acts if you are over 17 years old.
It is not OK for someone to offer money, favours or gifts to try and get you to do sexual things that you do not want to do. It is not OK for someone to blackmail you, use physical force or threaten you or people you care about, to get you to do something which makes you feel uncomfortable or makes you feel bad about yourself.
When people sexually abuse others, they know what they are doing and they should know that it is against the law.
Who abuses young people?
The commonly held stereotype of a sexual abuser is that of an old man in a raincoat hanging around in parks. The reality is that most sexual abuse is done by people known to the victims. Men and women who sexually abuse young people are of many different ages and appearances.
No person, male or female, young or old, has the right to make any young person do sexual things they would not have freely chosen to do.
You have the right to say NO.
Can you keep yourself safe?
Remember that everyone has the right to feel safe all the time.
When you were in primary school, you probably did some lessons with your teacher about keeping yourself safe.
You would have made a list of trusted adults, starting with people in your life with whom you felt able to talk, even about the secret stuff in your mind.
You would have asked those people if they felt OK about being your trusted adult.
Maybe you would have added adults in your life at school: teachers, school counsellors or the school chaplain.
Maybe you would have added your doctor, sports coaches or any adults outside the family who you knew would listen, keep your confidence and help you when needed.
Finally, you would have made a list, like the one in this topic, of organisations that could help you.
As a class you probably spent some time thinking about 'what you could do if…' in lots of different situations, and then wrote down and sorted through ideas about how to keep safe and help you sort out the problem.
The last things you would have learnt were:
telling someone about your problem was the first step to solving it.
to tell and keep on telling until something is done.
Coming forward - why is it hard to tell?
Some young people feel that if they disclose (tell someone about what happened) they will be harshly judged by those around them. Sometimes they feel like they are to blame in some way. Often the abuser will say things like, "He/she was asking for it by wearing clothes like that, or behaving like that", or "She/he made me think it was OK".
No one can make anyone think sexual abuse is OK. People choose what they want to think or do.
What is important is to remember that sexual abuse is an abuse of power and it is not your fault.
People who abuse may use tactics to stop you telling anybody about what has happened to you. Some of these may include the following:
making threats of violence to you or your family
giving you gifts, money or favours to keep you from telling anybody
making friends with your family
convincing you that it was your fault
convincing you that it will be bad for you and your family if you tell someone
threatening that you will lose your job
threatening to send or post information about you (including photos of you) on the Internet
sending threatening text messages.
Not telling anybody when something happened does not mean that you are weak or stupid, that you wanted it, or that you could have stopped it. It may have been the safest option for you at the time. But when you are ready, it does help to tell a trusted person about what has happened - this person may be able to protect you in the future, or help you to come to terms with what has happened.
What are the effects?
The effects of sexual abuse can vary a great deal. You could be reminded of the abuse in many different ways and at different times, and often this might feel out of your control. Even if you have access to help that you find supportive, it will not take the past away, but may lessen the long term negative effects and help you to develop more coping skills. Choose someone you feel completely comfortable with, who respects you and listens to you, to help you through this very difficult time.
Relationships
The abuse may have been perpetrated by someone you knew, making you feel unsure and afraid of trusting anyone again.
Poor self-perception
Your self-esteem or view of yourself may have changed, and would be different to that of someone who has not experienced such trauma. You may feel really bad and lose confidence in yourself.
Nightmares or flashbacks
It is common to experience nightmares, and for memories of what happened to come at unpredictable times. Things such as places, smells, rooms, or clothes can remind you or trigger memories of the abuse.
The topic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder may be useful if you have these sorts of feelings.
Sexual abuse also puts people at risk of sexually transmitted infections, and for girls, an unwanted pregnancy.
What am I feeling?
As there can be so many effects from sexual abuse, you can have a difficult time emotionally dealing with so much at once. You may believe that the abuse has not affected you, but then you might feel emotions that you can't explain, or have sudden mood swings.
Fear
You may have felt a very strong sense of fear at the time of the abuse because of the abuser.
You may not have spoken out in order to protect yourself, fearing that you would be at more risk if the abuser found out that you reported it or told someone.
Anger
You may feel angry toward the abuser who has done this to you.
You may feel angry toward yourself, thinking that you should have been able to stop it from happening.
Isolation
Although many people experience sexual abuse, it is common to feel alone and isolated since most people do not talk about it.
Knowing that there are other people you can relate to may help you to not feel so isolated.
Sadness
You may feel sad about the invasion into your privacy, and for the loss of your rights.
Guilt
Guilt is a terrible emotion to feel during or after a sexually abusive situation, and must be reversed.
The abuser should feel guilty, not you. Abuse of any form is about power, not about sex.
If you are feeling guilty, then the abuse will still be living strongly within you and it is important to change this. A counsellor may be able to help, and a good friend can be helpful too.
Confused
With all those emotions, it might be fair to feel confused. If the abuser was someone you were once close to, you may even still feel love for them, or not know what to think.
Do not be hard on yourself for feeling confused. Remember, you are a survivor.
What if I felt like I enjoyed it?
Some young people worry because their bodies may appear to become sexually aroused by what is happening to them, even though it frightens them. This is a physical reaction and it is your body's way of coping with the situation. This does not mean that you wanted or enjoyed the abuse.
Will I become an abuser too?
Often in the media they make it seem that young people who are sexually abused go on to become abusers themselves. This is not true and the link between the two is in no way proven. You have a choice about whether this is true for you. There is no reason to believe that if you have been abused you will become a perpetrator of abuse in the future. You have control over your life and can make choices based on what is right for you.
On the road again to healing your self-esteem
It is time to get back in contact with the 'real' you. Get to know yourself again. Put what you want as a high priority. Here are some things you could ask yourself as you get 'on the road' to healing your self-esteem:
What things do I like to do?
Who is a good person to talk to when I need it?
What things do I value or believe in?
What is my personality like? How would someone describe me?
What am I good at? (Talking, reading, playing tennis, being messy?)
Do I want to talk to a counsellor?
Would I like to join a support group?
Do I want to read some books on self-esteem or sexual abuse?
Helping someone
If someone you know has decided to tell you that they have survived sexual abuse, chances are it was one of the most difficult things they have ever had to do, and that they trust you heaps! It may also freak you out! You may feel that it is too difficult for you to talk about, or you don't know what to say.
Make sure they know you believe them.
Listen to what they say, and do not expect them to tell you everything about the experience to prove that what they are saying is true.
Acknowledge what has happened, what they are saying and what they are feeling.
Encourage them to seek support, but don't pressure them.
Be open to helping them but be clear with each other about what you can and cannot do.
Don't put pressure on yourself thinking that you must come up with solutions for your friend's complex issues.
Reassure the person that he or she has survived a huge trauma and therefore is a strong and courageous person. Acknowledge the courage it has taken to talk to you.
If you are worried and don't know what to do to help your friend, it may be a good idea for you to talk to one of your trusted adults or ring any of the numbers listed on this page.
It is not a good idea to talk to other friends in your group. How would you feel if someone told your other friends about something you had said in confidence?
Sex and sexual relationships
Being subjected to sexual abuse can get you feeling very confused about the whole idea of sexuality and intimacy. You may feel a variety of emotions if you are presented with making a decision about sexual intimacy. You may find difficulty trusting someone enough to become intimate. It would probably be helpful to talk with a counsellor about this.
Does this mean I'm gay?
A common misconception is that if a young man is sexually abused by a man, it means that you become sexually attracted to men. Being attracted to other men is not related to whether or not you were sexually abused by men. Being same-sex attracted is about love and forming positive relationships. Being raped or abused does not need to impact on whether you are attracted to men or women.
Labels: Surviving sexual abuse
Opinions on marriage & long term relationships
Question Posted Tuesday April 10 2007, 1:03 am
Okay, so I've been wondering about something & I wanted to hear you guys opinions.
My boyfriend & I have been together for five years & we are both twenty one. I love him, I'm in love with him & there is no one else I'd rather be with. We're still young so we don't really talk about marriage but here & there we do say things like "when we get married..." & stuff like that. The other day when we were together we were talking about weddings & how my culture's weddings differ from his & he said he'd want to get married at a court house because it doesn't cost a lot. Then he said or he'd want to get married on an island & only our close relatives would be invited, like his mom & my mom. I know I want to marry him in the future & I've never straight up asked him "do you wanna marry me" but I think, well, if he's been in a relationship this long with me doesn't that obviously mean something? Like apparently he wants a future with me if he's been by my side for five years now? But then again I think, just because we've been together for so long doesn't mean marriage is definite, you know?
So my question is, do you guys think that when a couple has been together for so long that it means marriage is in the future? Are people in long relationships because they want to get married eventually? Ugh, in my head I know what I'm trying to ask but I can't seem to get it out the way I want it to but I guess these questions will do. Haha. Thanks for reading this & all opinions are appreciated!
[ Answer this question ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
This question should be about "Romance a mess? Welcome to the club!"
If it is in the wrong category, click here(coming soon) to report it.
Xenolan answered Friday April 13 2007, 11:23 pm:
I can give you Sabine's story from the other side. See, I'm the guy she married.
In my case, the reason why I needed a nudge to ask her to marry me (and it really was more a mutual decision) was because it simply didn't occur to me on its own. I felt like I was still a very young guy (I've always felt younger than I am) and that marriage just wasn't in my immediate future. I was also pretty comfortable with our relationship as it was, and didn't feel a great push to change things.
When she said "I won't be your girlfriend forever" it got me thinking seriously about whether I WANTED it to be forever, and the more I thought about it the more I came to realize that I did. This was someone I loved very much, who I would be pleased and proud to call my wife, who I shared much in common with. We shared a common morality and ideals. I knew she would be a wonderful mother. We appreciated each others' sense of humor. We had great sex. We had problems, but we could deal with them. I married her and have never regretted it.
These are the kinds of things a guy will start thinking about when the idea of marriage becomes a reality instead of an abstraction. It seems to me that the two of you have been talking about WEDDINGS, which is very, very different from talking about MARRIAGE. In order to find out whether the two of you really will make it for the long term, you need to think about how you'll be after the honeymoon. You'll need to talk about how you'll support yourselves and live independently, how many children you want and how you'll raise them, where you will live and work and go to church, and what's really important to you in the long run. You'll need to think about the joys that come during all of your lives yet to come, and whether you can live with this guy for sixty-plus years without wanting to kill him.
When you're talking about THAT stuff, then you're talking about marriage. Until then, you're just in a long-term relationship. If you can't sit down and discuss what will really happen when you share your lives together, then one or both of you isn't ready for marriage - and if that's the case after five years, you probably never will be.
Labels: long term relationships, Opinions on marriage
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Labels: Ask a question
Close Encounters Of The Intimate Kind
A young man and woman have only been married for two days. One night, just as they are getting ready to go to bed, they hear a noise in the backyard, kind of like a vacuum cleaner in reverse. They put on their robes and run outside, there, hovering over the lawn is a flying saucer. It lands, and two tall, beautiful silver aliens get out. Obviously a male and a female, and according to earth standard, quite beautiful.
They explain to the newlyweds that they need to stay overnight to effect repairs to their ship. The young couple agrees, and invite the aliens in for a snack. The aliens agree, but say that it would only be sociable to then invite the newlyweds for a snack.
"We will invite you aboard our spacecraft, but you must abide by our customs. You must stay the night, and it is only courteous that we change partners for the night."
The newlyweds talk it over and agree. That night, the wife is with the male alien. He undresses and she stares at his perfect body. Then her gaze crosses his groin, and a look of disappointment comes over her.
"Is there something wrong?" asks the alien.
"Well, you seem so ... uh... small."
"No problem," replies the alien, he twists his ear and his organ grows longer.
The woman still seems disappointed. She indicates she would like the alien to be "wider." He twists the other ear and grows wider.
The next morning over breakfast, the wife tells her husband what a wonderful night she had with the alien, and that she can hardly wait to share some of the techniques with her husband the next night.
"Honey, how was your night?" she asks.
"Terrible." he said. "The female alien was truly beautiful, but all she did was twist my ears all night long."
Labels: Close Encounters Of The Intimate Kind
Diary Of A Mad Viagra Housewife
Dear Diary:
Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, HE locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2
Today he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I DON'T know! I mean, gimme a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long, he even WALKS with a limp.
Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.
Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his "problem." It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, "This time, I'd rather not have your mother join us." (I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.)
Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. (No pun intended.) Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. GET OVER YOURSELF! Not everything is about you!
Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker.
Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with Hard Cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I gonna do?
Day 11
The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet and he thought it was The Smurfs Do Denmark.
Day 12
I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with Black and Decker.
Day 13
I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying "fabulous" and still he keeps coming after me!
Day 14
Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. Let's hope he's like President Bush and pulls out in 100 days.
Day 15
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me sister Wendy revs his motor.
Day 16
I may just have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he wants to: stiff. With my luck, I won't be able to close the casket.
Labels: Diary Of A Mad Viagra Housewife
A "White" Wedding
A couple was planning their upcoming wedding. This was to be a huge wedding with about 300 guests, therefore extra arrangements had to be made to accommodate all the guests.
The day finally came (as it usually does) and the ceremony went off without a hitch: everyone showed up on time, the flowers were perfect, the caterers arrived prepared with enough food, and (most importantly) no one objected during the ceremony.
After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming.
To thank everyone for coming and bring gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a gift from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to everyone, and told them to open it.
Inside the manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. (He must have gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them.) After he stood there and watched people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and the bride and said thank you for a time to remember, and then said I'm out of here.
He got the marriage annulled the next day.
While most of us would have broken it off immediately after we found out about the affair, this guy goes through with in anyway. His revenge: making the bride's parents pay for a 300 guest wedding and reception, letting everyone know exactly what did happen, and trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of friends, family, grandparents, etc.
This is his world, we just live in it.
Labels: A "White" Wedding
opinions on marriage & long term relationships
Question Posted Tuesday April 10 2007, 1:03 am
Okay, so I've been wondering about something & I wanted to hear you guys opinions.
My boyfriend & I have been together for five years & we are both twenty one. I love him, I'm in love with him & there is no one else I'd rather be with. We're still young so we don't really talk about marriage but here & there we do say things like "when we get married..." & stuff like that. The other day when we were together we were talking about weddings & how my culture's weddings differ from his & he said he'd want to get married at a court house because it doesn't cost a lot. Then he said or he'd want to get married on an island & only our close relatives would be invited, like his mom & my mom. I know I want to marry him in the future & I've never straight up asked him "do you wanna marry me" but I think, well, if he's been in a relationship this long with me doesn't that obviously mean something? Like apparently he wants a future with me if he's been by my side for five years now? But then again I think, just because we've been together for so long doesn't mean marriage is definite, you know?
So my question is, do you guys think that when a couple has been together for so long that it means marriage is in the future? Are people in long relationships because they want to get married eventually? Ugh, in my head I know what I'm trying to ask but I can't seem to get it out the way I want it to but I guess these questions will do. Haha. Thanks for reading this & all opinions are appreciated!
[ Answer this question ]
Labels: Okay, so I've been wondering about something . I wanted to hear you guys opinions.
New Study Shows Secret To Marital Bliss
(CBS) If you want a relationship to last, don't meet your partner in a bar, find an intellectual bond and - for men - delay having sex when you're young.
Those were some of the findings of an investigation on mid-life happiness, called the Boston Couples Study, conducted by Professor Charles Hill of Whittier College, and fellow colleagues.
The survey asked 231 couples, as well as 100 "singles," about what made them happy. Taken from a random sampling of sophomores and juniors at colleges in the Boston area, the participants were quizzed again after two, 15 and 25 years.
The results showed the secrets to middle-aged marital bliss - high self-esteem and a good relationship, as well as some revealing findings on how to secure that relationship.
"I would tell the men to delay having sex," Hill told reporters at the British Psychological Society's European Congress, where the survey was presented on Monday.
He said his research showed men who postponed having sex while at college found a partner on the basis of emotional attachment and common interest, as opposed to treating a woman as "one more notch on the bedpost."
Ironically it was those women were relatively liberal about having sex before marriage 25 years ago who were able to find their long-term partners.
Bars were one place not to meet your perfect long-term partner, the survey found.
"If you are looking for a mate for life then you should look where your common interests are," Hill said. "If alcohol is the only thing you have in common, then what do you talk about in the morning?"
The best and longest-lasting relationships tended to be formed on the basis of common interests, intellectual compatibility and the two partners being of similar physical attractiveness.
They often occurred when the two people involved were not looking for a relationship.
"In the informal settings people can be themselves, rather than just putting on airs and graces," Hill said.
Labels: New Study Shows Secret To Marital Bliss
Top 10 Tips for Marital Bliss
Marital bliss? Some days I'm happy (really happy) to settle for marital survival.
Here are the top 10 tips for keeping a marriage together, contributed by On Balance readers:
1. Be nice. This is stupidly simple, but it works. Even when you feel like hell, or have a beef with each other, or are tense or tired, make the effort to be kind and gentle with each other. Make the partnership a safe harbor where the other person wants to be. This means taking a breath, biting your tongue and going easy even when that's not exactly how you feel.
2. Before you get married, find common ground on your most important issues -- where you want to live, the role work plays in your family balance, how you will handle your finances, whether or not you want children (and if you are older, what lengths you will go to to have biological ones), the degree to which your extended family are involved in your lives, and what role religion will play in your lives and the lives of your children.
3. Whomever feels most passionately about a position wins that argument. It is rare that, upon candid reflection, you can't unanimously agree that one or the other simply cares more (or as is more likely the case, one cares less). You are going to have different opinions on many different subjects. Winning an argument doesn't mean the other loses. It just means one cared more about that particular issue.
4. Nurturing your marriage is more important than kids -- in part because staying together is so important for your kids. So, make time for each other. Have a regular date night without kids. Sex and affection and time alone together are a top priority. Make dates to cuddle up, let other things slide sometimes, do whatever you have to do. Just don't let it get pushed off the table by everything else that is "important."
5. Stay flexible, in every sense of the word. That means finding a compromise between his need to watch the game and your need get the house clean. It means finding ways to discipline the kids that both of you can live with. It means staying open minded to new ideas in bed. It means communicating, it means nothing is set in stone, other than your core values, which you should discuss and share before you ever get married.
6. Treat the logistics of raising a family and running a household like a small business. Once a week have a calendar meeting. Go over the schedule of the upcoming week or weeks, and talk through what you both and the kids have going on. Make lists about what has to happen to help the week go smoothly and who has which carpool, cooking responsibilities, etc.
7. Have a sense of humor -- some arguments can and should end in laughter.
8. Don't crowd too much into your lives. Simplicity, simplicity, simplicity.
9. When you get home at night, or when you honey calls in the middle of the day, stop, take a breath, smile, and say "Hello, sweetheart. How are you?" before launching into whatever daily business or complaints you have. Start every interchange on a basis of affection and kindness.
10. Accept that you can't change your spouse, especially by yelling or screaming or playing passive-aggressive. However, this doesn't mean letting small resentments simmer. Deal with them before they become big deals. If your spouse does anything that upsets you, talk about it. If he or she can understand why you are upset, and you can understand why your partner does what he/she does, both parties stand a chance of finding that happy medium.
Labels: Top 10 Tips for Marital Bliss
Marital Bliss
“ There is no couple that doesn't have to work hard at improving their relationship—Sallie Foley, MSW, author of Sex Matters for Women and an instructor at the University of Michigan ”
How to Build Marital Bliss
By Karen Berney
We fall in love, get married, have children and raise a family. Over the years, love deepens, the bond strengthens, but our feeling of marital satisfaction waxes and wanes.
During the "bad times," there is more arguing and blaming, less sharing and touching, fewer moments of joy and appreciation. But we weather the storms, and some 50 percent of us do stay married.
What most couples don't realize, say marriage experts, is that there are things they can do to ensure better times than worse, to make riding out the storms smoother and easier.
Marriage is like a beautiful garden, says Renee Colclough Hinson, Ph.D., executive director of The Association for Couples in Marriage Enrichment. "It requires skill and constant attention. If tended to, it will thrive, but if neglected, it will wither and die."
It Takes Work — For All of Us
"You mean I have to work at it?" Yup. "There is no couple that doesn't have to work hard at improving their relationship," says Sallie Foley, MSW, author of Sex Matters for Women and an instructor at the University of Michigan. Believing that the good times will continue to roll on their own is setup for disappointment and disillusionment, she adds.
The fact is that all marriages have problems that cause conflict and strain the relationship. Among the most common problems:
Money. There never seems to be enough, or if there is, one person is upset about how the other spends it.
Sex. It's the reason 45 percent of couples seek marriage counseling. Usually, one partner desires sex more often and on different terms than the other.
Work. Partners have different role expectations about who does what within and outside of the home.
Children. Couples may disagree over how to raise and discipline children.
Positive Communicators Fare Best
These problems won't lead to marital meltdown if you can talk about them constructively with your partner.
John Gottman, University of Washington psychology professor and founder of The Gottman Institute, has videotaped more than 3,000 couples to try and isolate the conditions that make relationships thrive or fail. He's found that when discussing a problem, an unhappy couple starts out by criticizing a partner's behavior. Then comes an attack on the partner's personality or character, followed by expressions of contempt — a particularly corrosive factor. Naturally, the attacked partner goes on the defensive, prompting a counterattack. A fight ensues, and needless to say, the problem is neither directly addressed nor solved.
By contrast, happy couples use five times more positive behaviors in their arguments than negative ones, Gottman has found. For instance, they draw on humor to relieve tension and pepper the conversation with expressions of affection to maintain calm.
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Labels: Marital Bliss
The Courage to Heal
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
The Courage to Heal
Author Ellen Bass & Laura Davis
Publisher Collins Living
Publication date 1988 (original); 2008 (reissue)
The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse (first published in 1988) is an extremely popular[1] book written by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis, aimed at a female audience. The primary thrust of the book is that individuals with a vague set of symptoms have suffered child sexual abuse that has since been forgotten and is currently causing their problems. A variety of techniques are proposed to help these individuals recover these purported memories, become identified as an survivior and overcome the associated trauma.
The book has been criticized for creating false memories of abuse, its authors being unqualified and for creating an industry which has isolated and separated family members on the basis no positive proof. Bass and Davis have also been criticized for leaping to unwarranted, implausible conclusions with significant consequences and failing to correct the scientific errors found in the first edition that were not corrected in subsequent reprintings.[2]
Contents [hide]
1 Authors
2 Overview
3 Critics' view
4 See also
5 References
[edit]Authors
The Courage to Healis written by feminist activists Ellen Bass, a former poet and creative writing teacher, and Laura Davis, an incest survivor. Bass and Davis attributed efforts to confront incest and child sexual abuse to the Women's liberation movement.[3] Neither Bass nor Davis have any training in psychotherapy or science, and they state that nothing in the book is based on any psychological theories.[1]
[edit]Overview
The 2007 edition is divided into the following sections:
Taking Stock
The Healing Process
Changing Patterns
For Supporters of Survivors
Courageous Women
Honoring the Truth: A Response to the Backlash (added in response to negative reactions to the book)
The book was written as a response to the author's frequent encounters with women who were the victims of sexual abuse during their childhood and adolescence. The authors present a path to healing from the trauma of childhood abuse. They additionally suggest that people experiencing dysfunction in their lives, who feel that something traumatic happened in their childhood that they do not currently remember, should investigate these feelings. They say that extreme childhood trauma, of which sexual abuse is one, is often spontaneously repressed to allow the child to continue growing up. The authors outline how the damaging effects of child sexual abuse can be wide-ranging: depression, anxiety, alcoholism, drug addiction, dysfunctional relationships, dissociative identity disorder, self-injury, suicidal thoughts and others. The latest edition features language more inclusive of male sexual abuse victims.
The original edition of the book contained an influential chapter discussing satanic ritual abuse (now considered a moral panic) and the discredited autobiography Michelle Remembers. Subsequent editions renamed the phenomenon "sadistic ritual abuse". The Courage to Heal was part of the vision that childhood sexual abuse could be discovered with no corroborating evidence beyond a vague set of symptoms.[4]
[edit]Critics' view
Critics contend that because Bass and Davis have no formal training in psychiatry or psychology, they are not qualified to write such a book.[5] A report for the Australian branch of the False Memory Syndrome Foundation found the book was linked to nearly 50% of the cases in which a false allegation of child sexual abuse was made based on recovered memories[6] and a 2005 report by the Health Services Commissioner to the Minister for Health of Australia stated that some respondents from families where there were accusations of child sexual abuse called for the book to be banned, believing the book promotes the practice of recovered memory therapy.[7] Frederick C. Crews has criticized the book for appealing not to women who have always remembered abuse, but rather being aimed at those who struggle to convince themselves they were abused as children in the absence of previously-existing memories, and that the author's claim to promote self-esteem are actually based "on a shattering of their readers' prior sense of identity and trust".[8]
The Third Edition of the book, published in 1994, offers a whole chapter titled “Honoring the Truth,” in which the authors respond to the book’s critics.
[edit]See also
Amnesia
Dissociation
False memory
Memory inhibition
[edit]References
^ a b Aronson, Elliot; Tavris, Carol (2007). Mistakes were made (but not by me): why we justify foolish beliefs, bad decisions, and hurtful acts. San Diego: Harcourt. pp. 121. ISBN 0-15-101098-6.
^ Aronson & Tavris, 263n40.
^ Showalter, Elaine (1997). Hystories: hysterical epidemics and modern media. New York: Columbia University Press. pp. 149-154. ISBN 0-231-10459-6.
^ Jenkins P (1998). Moral panic: changing concepts of the child molester in modern America. New Haven, Conn: Yale University Press. pp. 181; 187. ISBN 0-300-07387-9.
^ Gibbs, A. "The reality of recovered memories" (PDF). The Skeptic 17 (2): 21-9.
^ Elson, M (1998). "Accusations of Childhood Sexual Abuse Based on Recovered Memories: A Family Survey". Australian False Memory Syndrome Association. Retrieved on 2009-02-16.
^ "Victoria, Australia Health Services Commissioner: Inquiry into the Practice of Recovered Memory Therapy" (PDF). Australia Health Services Commissioner. 2005.
^ Crews, FC; Bass E & Davis L (1995). "Thanks for the Memories". The New York Review of Books 42 (3). Retrieved on 2009-02-19.
Categories: Child sexual abuse | Health and wellness books | Self-help books
Labels: The Courage to Heal
Working with adult survivors of child sexual abuse
Like adult victims, children experience significant psychological and emotional distress. Unlike adults, however, they are traumatized during the most critical period of their lives:
When assumptions about self, others and the world are being formed;
When their relations to their own internal states are being established; and
When coping and relationship skills are first acquired.
Therefore, the Post Traumatic Stress reactions impact upon the child's subsequent psychological and social maturation leading to atypical and potentially dysfunctional development. In other words, if untreated, the effects of sexual abuse in childhood are usually more dynamic and interactive, in contrast to trauma effects in adults who have a stable base development and maturation to draw on and for whom, with support, the trauma effects will wane over time.
Impacts of childhood sexual abuse are likely to occur in three stages.
Initial reactions to victimisation:
involving Post Traumatic Stress reactions;
alteration in normal childhood development;
painful affect; and
cognitive distortions.
Accommodation to ongoing abuse:
involving coping behaviours intended to increase safety and/or decrease pain during victimisation (i.e. memory suppression, denial, dissociation, accommodation syndrome; Stockholm syndrome).
Long Term elaboration & secondary accommodation reflecting:
the impacts of initial reactions and abuse-related accommodations on the individual's later psycho social development; and
the survivor's ongoing coping responses to abuse related dysphoria. (Cognitive distortions, denial, memory suppression, dissociation, altered emotionality, impaired self-reference, avoidance, disturbed relatedness).
For adults abused in childhood, who received no counselling or support at the time, some of the initial reactions of victim's to the abuse may abate over time but more typically such disturbances along with abuse-specific coping behaviours, generalise and elaborate over time. The typology by Finkelhor and Browne taken together with PTSD adequately describes these core impacts and their psycho-social and behavioural sequelae. These are the impacts which need to be addressed in working with adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse.
Treatment Objectives
The key objective of counselling intervention with adult survivors of childhood sexual assault is to facilitate trauma resolution and foster healing and growth.
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Normalisation
Normalisation of the survivors reactions to the abuse experience and the effects this has had on their psychological functioning, both historically and currently, is a key factor. It's important to point out that the coping strategies they evolved allowed them to survive at the time and adapt to their experiencing. In that way, these strategies served them well. However, these responses have become maladaptive in adulthood and limit their ability to live a full life, limit their interpersonal relationships and their psychological functioning.
Education
Education of the adult survivor about the prevalence and later psychological effects of childhood sexual assault is also important. It helps destigmatise their own experiencing and also serves to normalise their responses. Information about the lasting effects of childhood sexual assault, the types of difficulties experienced and presenting symptoms survivors encounter and how to cope is readily available and helps the survivor better understand their own range of behaviour or responses. There is a lot of information of this type available in the form of books, journal articles, and videos.
Both normalisation and education are critical particularly at the beginning of the counselling process and can be seen as preparing the survivor for the healing process. Once the survivor has entered counselling it is also imperative as part of this preparation to clarify what he or she can expect as they work on their abuse issues. The counsellor needs to be honest in informing the survivor that the healing process will not be easy and that their memory of the abuse will not magically go away. Be very clear about what you can do as a counsellor and what the survivor may expect as an outcome of their healing process.
What we can do as counsellors is provide a safe environment and a structured process within which to help survivors acknowledge their memories and associated pain, assess the influence these have on their behavioural repertoire and begin to integrate them with his or her adult self. This integration will allow the survivor to process the memories and pain so that they no longer control their behaviour and responses. He or she will be able to take control of his or her own life rather than continue to be controlled by maladaptive behaviour patterns and responses as if they and their abuse experience are 'frozen in time'.
Treatment Phases And Structuring The Healing Process
The EARLY PHASEof therapy with adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse focuses on building up trust between the counsellor and the survivor and preparing the survivor for the healing process. During this phase of therapy the survivor is encouraged to tell their story which allows the counsellor to assess which therapeutic techniques may be the most beneficial.
Telling their story is difficult for some survivors. Their memories are fragmented and all jumbled up making it hard for them to relate what happened when. There is often a feeling of being overwhelmed by the abuse and just not knowing how to start. Many survivors just can't differentiate between episodes of abuse and their whole sense of childhood was taken over by it. At this stage there are tools which can be used to help the survivor put their childhood back together into a recognisable whole by focusing on specific incidents or episodes of their lives to structure their stories.
The MIDDLE PHASEof therapy is where the brunt of the work is done which includes re-processing the trauma. Simply stated, processing the trauma of childhood sexual assault involves:
Acknowledging the fact of the abuse and its impacts.
Experiencing and releasing some of the feelings associated with the trauma that typically have remained unexpressed.
Exploring a range of feelings towards the abuser/s and non-protective parents, siblings or caretakers; and
Making cognitive reassessments of the abuse (i.e. why it happened, who was responsible etc).
If these avenues are explored, the traumatic events are faced and processed by necessity. The abuse can no longer remain frozen in time and continue to maintain the survivors status quo. The status quo that includes beliefs about vulnerability, helplessness, mistrust, stigmatisation, with a negative view of self and others. During this phase the abused child is integrated with the adult self so that they work together as a unified whole rather than being split and working against each other. Emphasis is also placed on cognitive restructuring, educating the survivor and the formulation of new coping strategies. Through this sort of trauma processing a clear line is drawn between the past and the present leaving the individual feeling more in control and determined to deal with the impacts the abuse has had on their lives.
It is at this stage that a stronger sense of self and changes in world view evolve and new coping skills can be incorporated into their behavioural repertoire. At this stage the survivor actively engages in healing making decisions about the options open to them. This is also a stage of exploration of possibilities which can lead the survivor further along the path to integration. This is a good time for group work, self-esteem and assertiveness training, stress management and/or self-defence classes.
The last phase of the healing process is the TERMINATION PHASE. This involves empowering the survivor to make their own choices and decisions without relying on the counsellor. It includes the survivor's separation from the counselling process while establishing support networks. These might include self-help support groups as well as supportive friends, partners, or family members.
Treatment Approaches
Treatment of adult survivors of childhood sexual assault incorporates a number of therapeutic approaches which reflect major the theoretical schools of therapy, emotional, cognitive and behavioural. Experiential or exploratory techniques focus on accessing emotions, re-experiencing the trauma and integrating these with the adult self. Cognitive therapy aims to identify the survivor's distorted cognitions of themselves, others and the world and attempts to replace these with more accurate and realistic cognitions. Behavioural therapies focus on enhancing the survivor's behavioural repertoire through the acquisition of more adaptive behavioural responses, coping strategies and learning new skills.
Labels: Working with adult survivors of child sexual abuse
