How do I start? I was 2 when my grandfather molested me

How do I start? I was 2 when my grandfather molested me. My parents started leaving me with him and my grandmother while they were at work, because it was convenient, free child-care; even though my dad's sister told him years earlier that their father had been molesting her. My dad chose not to believe her. My grandmother had even told my mom that Granddaddy had been messing with some of the young girls in the neighborhood, but mom didn't believe he would touch me, I guess. It was a chance they chose to take at my expense, and I'm still paying for it to this day.

I wonder sometimes why God made me remember this when I was only 2 when it happened-- how much easier my life would be if I didn't remember. But I do remember. I can see him setting me on his left knee so vividly, him sitting in his chair in front of the TV. in the living room. I see him unzipping my pants, and putting his right hand with that awful crooked middle finger inside my underwear. I don't know how many times this happened, maybe only once, but once was enough to bring me a lifetime of pain and insecurity. Where was my grandmother while this was happening? Why didn't she protect me when my parents failed me? What must he have done to her, to make her look the other way?

I remember my Mom giving me a bath one night after this had happened, and I told her I was burning "down there." She asked me why, and I told her that maybe it was because Grandaddy had his hands down there. They never let them keep me after that, but it was too late; the damage was already done. They hoped I would have no memory of it, and since I never mentioned it to them while I was growing up, they assumed I didn't remember. Then I came home from work one day when I was 18, bawling, and I kept saying "I remember."

I didn't realize it affected almost every aspect of my personality development until 3 months ago, when I was hospitalized for depression for the second time in two years. The depression hit me when I was 25. All the coping mechanisms I had developed that kept me alive and "well" up to that day disintegrated in one fell swoop. That was 3 1/2 years ago. The only protection that remained until 3 months ago was denial. Now I know where the unrelenting pain is coming from-- why it feels like I am grieving. I feel like I don't know who I am. I have this deep, deep need to be loved, to feel loved by everyone. I crave affection from older men, even though I have a wonderful marriage, even to the point of having an affair. I am very insecure. I fear failure, of never being "good enough." I feel tainted and alone most of the time, even if I'm in a room full of friends. The bottom line for me seems to be that I loved my grandfather, but he didn't love me. And my parents and grandmother essentially abandoned me. And the pain won't go away. And nobody around me, NOBODY, understands the pain...
by Lucy on 28 Jan 2005

Labels: How do I start? I was 2 when my grandfather molested me

posted by Robert Heard at 6:50 AM