I recently ran across this letter that I wrote to the family member

I recently ran across this letter that I wrote to the family member who repeatedly molested & finally raped me when I was a child. I wanted to have it published somewhere since I choose not to send the letter to him for a variety of reasons. Just the process of writing the letter and now rereading it is cathartic to me and I hope, maybe, it will be to someone else with a similar experience. Thanks for providing this forum.

"Dear X,
I am not sure how to start this letter. It seems silly to say things like, '“It’s been awhile…”'or '“It’s obvious we haven’t talked in awhile...”'. I know this will seem harsh, but, somehow, I always thought you would just disappear from my memory. I hoped that our relatedness would somehow disappear from the genealogies. But, it hasn’t. And, unfortunately, it never will. I will forever be in your family as you will be in mine. You must know that you used to haunt my dreams. I would fall asleep and wake up sweating, thinking you were in the room. I am not asking you to feel anything but I am asking for your sympathy. I wish I could erase my life from the ages of five to eight. I often ask God if that’s possible. I used to wish that I had never been born or that you had never been born. But, once again, God had other plans.

I am getting married in March. That is the reason for this letter. I think that maybe I would have erased you from my memory, except that I had to tell my fiancé about you. We had the usual, '“Who have you slept with?”' And unfortunately, you were apart of it. In fact, you were center stage. I realized in the process that I am still angry. (That should be a warning about the rest of the letter.) I thought I had forgiven you but I have only forgiven you as far as I can forget you. I can only say that I forgive you when I know you are far, far away and I don’t have to see you. It’s easy to forgive someone who is distant and you don’t have to speak of or deal with on regular basis. Suddenly, I had to relate the whole story and I had to uncover what has been so carelessly covered for almost 20 years.

Did you know that I love to sing? Did you know that I don’t like onions, in anything? Did you know that I talk to myself, a lot? All of this to say that it’s so unfair that I am carrying around something for a person who doesn’t even know me. You don’t know me at all, you don’t care what happens to me, and yet, 20 years later, when I am preparing to spend the rest of my life with someone who knows me intimately and better than you ever will, I have to talk about YOU. YOU become the subject of many conversations, many tears, many regrets, and sadness. My fiancé has a wonderful relationship with his extended family. Always felt loved, cared for, and wants them at his wedding because they were loyal beyond compare. What did I have? I was isolated, I was talked about, I was the subject of gossiping aunts, and I was left alone…..and guess what; it all came back to you.

I am going to ask the obvious question, '“Why?”' and '“Why me?”' I know that ________ was not the best of fathers or the best of men. I have heard some of the stories and I know they are likely only the tip of the iceberg. I know that there was pornography involved and that had to have some influence on what you were thinking. But, why? Was it just because I was there? Was it just because I was too naïve to say no? You may not know why but I have to ask. I have to ask for my own sanity because if I don’t ask why, then it still becomes something I brought on myself.

I tried to fit into the family. I tried to '“put on a game face”' and pretend like I could just smile and nod my way through the next 30 years of family reunions. But, I can’t. I am not going to lie. I often used to wish that you would die in a car accident; I could have my final revenge by NOT showing up at your funeral and then be done with you. Then, I could have my extended family back.

If you’ve read this far, you are a better man than I remember. All of this to say that I don’t want you at my wedding. I do wish for healing, reconciliation, and whatever it takes to get things to normal, if that’s possible. But, please don’t ruin our day by being there. I hope to close your chapter of my life soon.

Simply,

Y
by KMon 20 May 2005

Labels: I recently ran across this letter that I wrote to the family member

posted by Robert Heard at 7:20 AM