Monday, August 31, 2009

I’m 22 and I was raped by my neighbor, who was also a co-worker and a trusted friend

I’m 22 and I was raped by my neighbor, who was also a co-worker and a trusted friend. I kind of felt like his big sister; I was always looking out for him and protecting him. Until one night he came over to watch movies and brought alcohol. I never drink, but I did that night, I regret it. I’m still having issues with blaming myself, or strangely enough, trying to protect him. Is there something wrong with me? How could I try to protect someone who did this to me?!

I kept yelling at him because he wasn’t very interested in the movie, which is why he came over. He kept trying to talk and brought the conversation to our significant others. He was talking about his girlfriend and how she was younger than him so she didn’t want to do anything but normal sex. We talked a little about my boyfriend and his two kids and he kept telling asking me in a playful voice, how I liked to have sex with john, and was I a “freak”. I told him how john and I rarely get time to be intimate because his kids are always around so we really didn’t have a very active life in that way. He poured the drinks again and kept goading me to chug it. I did. He kept going on with compliments about my breasts and a*s and what he would do if he were John. He leaned forward to kiss me and I started to laugh. I told him that things would get way too weird at work and that he was just drunk. He confessed to having a crush and always wanting “to get with me”. I remember telling him that that was nice but it wouldn’t happen. I was saying it lightly to keep this from sounding mean. He leaned forward again and I let him kiss me but I didn’t kiss him back. I made a joke and I moved off the bed, turned on the lights and started to throw away the cold spaghetti. He came up behind me and put his arms around me, he pressed in and told me that I made him hard and what was I going to do about it. I joked about him going back to his room with some Vaseline and that he could probably take care of it better than I could. He grabbed my chest then, and I turned around to break his hold. He tried to kiss me again and he bumped his teeth against my lip and I had a slightly puffy lip the next day. He turned off the lights again. I don’t really remember how he got my shirt off but I remember trying to find it in the dark. I found my zip up sweater instead so I put that on and asked him to leave. He looked upset and tried to apologize explaining that he was just drunk. I literally shoved and pushed him out the door. A few minutes later he politely knocked and asked for his jacket, which he left. I let him in for his jacket and I remember him pushing me down on my bed. He took off my shirt and bra; I was wearing only my jeans and was trying to cover myself with my pillow, which he took away from me. He knelt over my face and exposed himself, right in my face. I told him that I was going to throw up and he got off me so I could run to the bathroom. I locked myself in there. It was so dark I couldn’t find the light switch and I was drunk enough to feel unsteady even standing up. He asked if I was okay through the door and I told him I was okay but that I wouldn’t come out until he left. He kept saying, “don’t be like that, you know you wanted it”, and other stuff like that. I heard him get mad and started to say “fine if that’s the way you want it to be, I thought we were friends, I guess not, we’ll see what happens at work tomorrow” I heard the door close so I opened the bathroom door. The only towel in the bathroom was a small hand towel, and I remember holding it close around me. When I turned the corner of my room to see the rest, the lights were out and he was still on my bed. He took my towel from me and threw it. He grabbed my breasts really hard, hard enough that the next day I had small finger sized bruises on them. I remember sitting on the bed with my sheets pulled up over my neck and just repeating “get out, get out, get out get out” like a chant. He got mad at me then. Saying I was blaming him for something that I wanted too. He told me that he would leave if I would give him a blowjob. He undressed himself, until he was wearing only socks. I had the sheets over my head then and kept repeating please just get out. Then he started to whine, saying all he wanted was oral sex and I caused him to get excited so I had to help him. I was quiet then. I think he took that as me saying yes because he took my sheet away from me and while I was trying to grab that back he started undoing my pants. I got really dizzy and I felt like I was going to throw up so I begged him to stop and let me up but he wouldn’t, he thought I was tricking him like last time. He shoved my pants down so they trapped my ankles. He changed his mind and forced oral sex on me, but with the taste and it hitting my throat, I threw up on him, I was able to shove away from him to my kitchen sink which is right next to the bed. The pants were tripping me so I kicked them off and grabbed my robe hanging on the closet door and put that on. I belted it and told him to leave and that I would forget this happened if he would just leave then. He got up and grabbed my arm. My robe ripped on the sleeve and it opened for him. He pushed me on the bed and hit my stomach with his elbow accidentally. He then pushed me over so I was lying on my stomach and pushed himself into me. I don’t know why I just laid there. But I did and he was done in less than a minute. He didn’t say anything else, he just got up got dressed and left without a word. I briefly thought about going to the base hospital but rejected the idea because it was late, and I was too drunk to drive there and I wasn’t thinking very clearly. I wasn’t physically very hurt either. All I wanted to do was take a shower. I slept in the bathtub that night. The next day at work I kind of just blocked it out of my mind. At the end of the day though, he asked me what kind of alcohol he should pick up to see me again that night. I told him not to come over that I didn’t want to. I was in shock. He acted like nothing had happened. He really expected us to still be friends. Ever since, I’ve been acting like it never happened but trying to avoid him if possible, until I started having nightmares and people started to notice that I wasn’t acting normal, and now I’m starting to get the shakes when I think about it, and I’m slowly falling apart. I’ve been moody and restless and my work is starting to go downhill. If I tell anyone, it would get reported and I’d have to prove it happened and I don’t think I could face being told that I was making it up. It’s his word against mine and everyone likes him. The nightmares won’t go away and I sleep in the bathtub every night because I get flashbacks around my bed. Does anyone have a good way to make the nightmares go away?
by Annon 3 Dec 2004

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