It brings back so many repressed memories I have never talked about

It's weird running across this site. It brings back so many repressed memories I have never talked about. My situation my mom and step dad to this day have no idea about. I am from Tokyo Japan. We were raised in a very loving but rigid discipline of the Asian culture. My dad died in a car wreck when I was 11. Heartbroken and economically we were broke. I guess it may be true love on my mom's part, I will never really know. At 13 my mom was dating an American business man. By 14, they were married. By 15 we were transferred to America by his company. My step dad was 35 when we came here and my mom was 37. She seemed to want a nice life, home and family. He seemed very immature and wanted to drink and part constantly. One of his many friends he had over Mike was a younger guy around 25. Mike showed me a lot of interest and attention, and secretly he and I were talking on the phone a lot. After being tricked, I feel now into caring about him a lot, he turned many of the conversations sexual, about how he would make love to me etc. I was 15 and proudly a virgin and didn't want to change that until I was married, so I backed away from him quickly. He would come by after school and ring the bell after I stopped taking his calls. After about a month he stopped. He was at the house a couple of times partying with my step dad and would constantly stare at me and try to talk nice until I stayed out of the room, he was making me very nervous when he did come over. My older sister had complained to our mom about him flirting with her and was admonished to not make trouble with her husband and her. My mom and dad went to Florida on a three day seminar for his work, two weekends before my 16th birthday. My sister was working at Dillard's at our local mall, and I was sunning on the deck of our pool, and Mike is in our backyard talking to me, completely naked. I sat up with my heart in my throat, speechless. He was a good looking very muscular guy, and seeing him like that, he seemed so powerful and intimidating. No I didn't scream for help, and if I did it would have been to no avail as we live on a 120 acre ranch, and only the wildlife would hear. He tried desperately to sooth me and makes me cooperate, and when 15 minutes of that not working, he changed. He became mean and strong and very aggressive and snatched my bikini of off me in seconds and very forcefully held my wrist to the ground, forced my legs apart with his knees and raped me hard for what seemed like forever, but I think was about 30 minutes. He made it clear to me when he orgasmed and told me while he did that he hoped we could be together forever one day and make a beautiful family. Telling me what every young girl dreams of, a beautiful man, strong, and wanting to be together forever and have a beautiful family. What a way to lose your virginity. After this was over I just lay there letting him caress me, I knew he could do what he wanted, and so I didn't fight it anymore. He kissed me all over, told me wonderful things, cleaned me up some, preformed oral sex on me and we had sex again before he left. How I hid it from my sister and mom to this day is beyond me still. But that first day he promised if I talked or made trouble, my life would be horrific, but if I would be his girl, we could have many nice times together. I was his for the next two years, whenever, and however he wanted. Taking explicit photos of me alone, and yes he even let other men take me, and made photos, movies and the like. He would even take me to other towns for amateur night and I would strip in front of throngs of strangers. Oddly I began to really like that attention and power it gave me. Eventually he went to jail for credit card fraud, and burglary, which was all a great shock to me, I never knew at all of his other secret life of theft and other crimes. But here I am, just turned 21 and I know I am highly promiscuous with men and women now. Men for their power, and women when I need to feel safe and loved. And I know I am messed up, and I really think the control Mike put on me, I hated, and loved, all at once. But now I seek powerful forceful intimidating men, and the sex that comes of that is highly lust filled and erotic, but I know this is not normal. It is not how I was raised, and is a slap in the face of my culture, and upbringing. And all this is kept secret from my family, and my nice proper boyfriend my mom and sister adore so much, who I know I cannot marry, because he is wimpy. I have thought of calling Oprah and even Dr. Phil for help, but I don't need everyone knowing. When I started college I started having sex with my female dominates. I think in my heart I want my life companion to be a tender loving woman, but I will always need the lusty power of a man to dominate me. I know this is not normal, but hard as I try, I cannot shake this. I am Aweem, asian_sweetnsingle@yahoo.com if anyone can help me begin to sort this out, I would love to hear from you. Thanks! :-)< Br />

Hugs- Aweem

by Aweemon 30 Jun 2005

Labels: It brings back so many repressed memories I have never talked about

posted by Robert Heard at 5:44 AM