I am often left with questions

I am often left with questions. The question that leaves me baffled the most is what happens in a man or woman's mind that justifies sexual abuse? What leads them to believe that this is acceptable behavior? My first sexual encounter was at my baby sitters house. I often rode my bike to Mary's and she or her husband would offer me candy and I thought it was great. One day, I went there and her husband, Herman, sat me on the counter in their kitchen. He opened the fridge, which is where the candy was kept, and handed me a piece. He tried to french kiss me that day. I eventually told my mom that I could not go back there again. She was able to finally get me to tell her what he had done. I never saw Mary or Herman again, outside of when they were in their yard. My mother endured sexual abuse, as did my sister and I did too. We wern't a lower class family or of poor upbringing. I have a tendency of stereo typing this kind of situation,which I shouldn't. When I was 11, my sister got pregnant and married her second husband, Paul. He asked her, one day, if he could take me to their house. I loved their house, there were horses, it was beautiful. While there, I remember the song that was playing. I was singing with it, " I want to kiss you all over, and over again." I was 11, just a sweet pure little girl singing a catchy toon. He called me down in the basement and began fondling me. I was a thumb sucker, that didn't stop till I was 13. He had oral sex on me. I didn't fight, as some of you had to, I just sucked my thumb. He finished toucing me and it was done for that day. This continued till I was about 13 and then it became more. I look back and think that in his warped mind, he believed he was breaking me in. He even told my mom that I needed to be cut loose. Not my mom, I couldn't go to the mall with friends or anything. At 14 he went all the way. He had broken me in - into self loathing, insecurity, and guilt. He was a man late 20's maybe early 30's at that time. I was used. He took my virginity. So all of the stories that I heard in high school about other girls talking about their first time and how romantic it was, I never had. The first time he had intercourse with me I became pregnant. I hid this little secret for 6 months.. Scared of him. He threatened to kill people, often, for not giving him drug money and I witnessed him beat my sister more than once. Keep in mind, he came from a very wealthy family and very educated group of people. At 14, I was lying in bed with my mom. Me on my back and she started talking to me about my weight. She felt on my stomach and felt a very large lump. She advised me that she was going to take me to the doctor's office. I sort of knew that I was pregnant and sort of didn't know, if that makes sense...or didn't want to know. The doctor examined me and told her that I was expecting. She cried, I'll never forget it. I finally had to tell her. We went home and had a family meeting (excluding my sister and him). He was called to the house after I told my story that he did this. He came to the door and my brother, David, had 22 Rifle waiting for him. My brother shot at him and missed, on purpose. David had a family that he needed to take care of and I believe that David just wanted to let Paul know that he was not going to let it ride. We filed a report with the police and Paul was arrested. Paul's lawyer plea bargoned down to a no rape offense. Yet, Paul had to serve time, only 2 months, but still it was worth it. My pleasure began. While he was in prison, he had to be moved from "population" to "isolation" because of inmates who were doing what I would like to think of as "taking his inoscence." I hope, but will never know, that he was beaten and raped while he was in there. You see, inmates don't look very highly of sexual offenders. That was fine with me. I hope they hurt him to where he has nightmares at night and flash backs. That gives me inner peace. After he was released from prison, his father died. He blamed me and my family, some sort of justification for what he had done. I know it was another way of him paying for this, and I find great pleasure in that. My story in not horrific like some of yours. It was a inoscent, pure little girls story of how a man tried to make her into a woman way before she was ready to be one. To all of you who's father, brother, or brother in law, whom ever, took your little girlhood from you, I understand. To all of you, please remember though, there is imbarrasement and shame in this, but don't let them get away with it... make them pay for what they had done to you. I now work at a police station in a amall town and I sometimes have women and children who have been assaulted, cross my path, and it makes me so proud that they took the step to, if nothing else, file a report, because it is not forgotten. In time we will find these men and women and when we do they are going DOWN!!!!! and I hope the inmates in prison take great satisfaction in finding pleasure with them.

I truly love you all. I feel as if I know you all, in a way, and I hope every one of you can find stregnth and peace. Please seek help don't take your life, don't live in a dark place. If you do, that means he has won, he doesn't deserve that satisfaction.

P.S. I am going on 37 years old now. The only child I was ever able to have was this one that I was pregnant with. His name is Jonathan (which means a gift from God) go figure. Jonathan has blessed me with 2 beautiful grandchildren. Even though he came from such a messed up situation, I wouldn't trade him for the world.

Kerri
by Kerri on 14 Jan 2004

Labels: I am often left with questions

posted by Robert Heard at 7:33 AM