I'm not really sure where to begin

I'm not really sure where to begin; it's hard to talk about as I'm sure most of you know. It's a rather long story, but I'll make it short.

It began for me at age 8, as a young, innocent girl. My brother, who was 6 at the time, and I, had a male babysitter. He was about 18 years old and a family friend, so it was never thought about twice when he came to our house to watch us. He babysat us at least once a week, and everything went on for at least a year, maybe more, it's hard to remember exact details. But anyways, my brother was physically abused and I was physically and sexually abused. He used to threaten the both of us, which is why nothing was ever said to anyone right away. I remember he would tell us he would hurt our family or tell our parents we were bad (which is huge when you're a child, that's the worst thing possible) if we ever said anything, so our mouths were kept shut. My brother and I both got beat up on a weekly basis, whether it was being thrown down the stairs, hit, etc. That alone killed me, not only being beat up, but also watching my little brother get hit. It didn't end there for me though. He used to send my brother to bed early every time, and after, take me to my room. The things that went on there and the things he did to me and even made me do are unbearable to even think about, but I'm sure you can imagine some of the things that went on. He even used to make up games for me to 'play' along with him. It's so hard to talk about...
Finally, after a year or more, after he told me he would kill me if I didn't do what he said, I broke down. The next time he was supposed to come babysit, I completely broke down to my parents, crying and telling them all. I remember, vividly, standing on the counter of our kitchen crying and begging them not to let him come over...It completely tore them apart.

Now I'm 20, and it still tears me apart. It's so hard to deal with. After everything, I was sent to many doctors, therapists, and so much more. It only scared me more. Eventually, I quit therapy because it just made things worse...just imagine having to tell a complete stranger everything as a little kid. Now, things are just even harder. When I think about my childhood, that's pretty much the only thing that I can remember. It has completely taken over my life. I lost my innocence as a child, and now, that same scared little girl still controls my life. There are days I'm fine, then there are days that I have flashbacks and just go into depression. I hate how it controls my life, but I'm still to scared to get help, and I don't know what to do. I'm tired of that scared little girl controlling my life. I'm tired of being afraid, being ashamed of myself, and everything else. My parents, still today, think I'm ok because I refuse to talk to them about it because when it all happened, it completely tore our family apart. I hate feeling like a burden to my family and to my few friends who know about it. I just try to keep to myself, but it's tearing me apart. It's so hard to talk to others, because I have yet been able to find someone who knows what it's like, who understands. It's hard to explain to someone who doesn't understand...

I guess I'll stop here...but please feel free to email me to talk...I could use someone who understands to talk to, and I'm sure some of you could as well...buffa03@hotmail.com
by Michelleon 27 Oct 2003

Labels: I'm not really sure where to begin

posted by Robert Heard at 6:52 AM