I don't remember the exact time that my abuse started

I don't remember the exact time that my abuse started but I know I was about five or so, because I was in kindergarden.
I didn't realize that it was wrong at first either, my uncal told me that it was just another way that people loved and it was okay because he loved me very much. And he did jump right into wrong tuching either. It was first just having me sit on his lap all the time, and he would just lightly rub the inside of my leg, until his hands traviled higher and higher until he was rubbing my vagina. But the people in my life were so busy with there own things that they had know idea what was going on.
This had goin on for a good three months or so befor he felt comfortable enough to strip by cloths off. I don't remember to many conpleat memorys form my abuse, but I do remeber the fist time that he did more then rub where he shouldn't, and that memory has fun playing its self over and over again in my mind when I get depressed.
I remember that my mom took me to my grandma's becuse she and my dad wanted to go out with some friends. I didn't want to stay at my grandma's I cried and begged for her not to make me. But she just wiped the tears from my cheeks and told me that ever thing was going to be okay. That nothing was going to hurt me, and she and my dad would pick my brother and I up in the morning. I new that there was nothing else I could do, so I stopped crying, and went right to bed becuse it was alredy late, and I thought if I was asleep I wouldn't be sad.
I slept in my uncal's room when I had to stay at my grandma's because she didn't like me, and always let my brother stay with her. Anyway. I went right to sleep. I don't know how long I was asleep before the lighing and thunder outside woke me up. I was really scard cause the power hand gone out so the night light was off, and the room was pich black. It wasn't to long after that that my uncal came into the room. He said I didn't have to be scard it was only a storm, and he was there. I relaxed a little and layed back down. That was when he shut the door, striped off ever last stich of clothing he'd had on, and crawled in be side me.
I scooted as far as I could toward the other side of the bed, but he grabed me, and pulled me agest him till I spooned his body, and could feel his erction in my butt. he said "It's alright, I love you, and this is how people show love. I promis I wont hurt you. Turst me."
I was five I didn't get much attention form anybody else, so I trusted him. I remember ever last feeling to. I felt jitery in my stumach as he pulled down my under wair. I could feel them slid down my legs. Then he rolled me over to face him. He started to tuch me, really like and gental at first, it even felt good (something I have a hard time remembering wasn't my fult), but then he put his figer inside of me and started move it in and out fast and deep, it hurt so bad that he had to cover my mouth when I cried. I remember that it felt like hours it kept sticking his figers inside of me, seeing how far he could go before I screamed. Then he made me stradle his hips righ in front of his penis so I could feel it agest my butt, and he rubbed it agest me till I felt stick wetness on my skin. That was when I couldn't take anymore. I left my body, and don't know where I went, and I didn't remeber anything for two day after. So that is what I did. When ever he would come in to abuse me I went away.
It finally stopped when I was about eight or nine, but I still hated myself for it ever day.
I've been so ashamed of what happened to me that I didn't even tell my dad about it till a year and a half ago.
Now I'm trying to heal, but it is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life. It was much easyer just to leave my body when bad things happend, but I understand now that the only way to truely be free of my uncal is to back my silence and face him.
by Amandaon 27 Mar 2004

Labels: I don't remember the exact time that my abuse started

posted by Robert Heard at 7:49 AM