It was good for me to read your stories today

It was good for me to read your stories today...and as I read I took many long deep breaths and sent so many of you deep and profound love from the center of my soul. "I remember that", I mumbled to myself again and again. And it was good to remember..for it has been almost 6 years since I had my first flashback. And today...today I needed to go back..if only for a brief moment.. and acknowledge what happened to me..because believe it or not, there will come a time when the memories don't rule over you and you have happiness beyond possible belief..and you almost FORGET.
I was sexually abused from age 3 to age 11 by my father. I repressed most of it but when my first child turned 3, I was flooded with flashbacks..literally thinking I was losing my mind. My father,the bastard, took my virginity at age 7, forced me orally to orgasm hundreds of times, choked me repeatedly with his penis in my mouth and down my throat, used foreign objects to penetrate me, and in the end sodomized me. He threatened to kill my mother if I told and controlled every aspect of my life. After the abuse ended, (I got my period and I think he was afraid of pregnancy)I also found myself, as many of you have, in a series of abusive relationships that further continued my pain. I also married an abusive man who sexually abused me.
And the reason I am sharing all of this is because, I am, today, at the threshold of the most amazing things in my life and found myself almost afraid of the goodness, and realized perhaps I am afraid because most of my life has been lived in fear,torment, shame, guilt, and undescribeable pain.
So as I am standing in all this goodness and feeling anxious, a small voice from within told me.."This is your reward". This is your reward for the months of "wanting to crawl in a whole and die", of not being able to get out of bed,or eat, or take a shower, of forcing myself to go to group and to see my counselor, of crying each morning in desperation that I was still alive.. because I swore I would die in my sleep from the pain. My reward for all of the flashbacks I didn't push away, but allowed to wash over me, for the feelings and experiences I bravely shared with my group. (Utter the words and it becomes painfully real, yes?) For the body memories (having to reach down because I swore there was a penis inside of me), for the constant feeling of nausea, for the complete void that exisited instead of my soul. For the strength and courage it took to leave my abusive husband and be FREE from abuse once and for all. For the strength to take control of my life and learn to live as a survivor, instead of a victim.

And I am here today to say there is HOPE. That you will not only function, but thrive.

I have recreated my life into one I have always dreamed of having. I live in a beautiful apartment with beautiful things, I have a job I love, am going to school, and have had some of the most amazing moments. I have danced cajun under the stars on a summer's night, I have walked in the sun and picked wildflowers, I have swam in the ocean, I have had outrageous sex in a field of wild flowers, (yes..you will actually WANT to have sex again...and it will be beyond what you ever imagined), I have had hundreds of nights of quiet, restful sleep, and I have been bathed in a clawfoot bathtub filled with rose petals and read from my favorite book while I sipping champagne!
And I promise you, if you press on in your healing,(go to a GOOD counselor or group, journal, and read about how to heal from sexual abuse) that you will have a full and beautifully rich life of love and goodness. And you will not only live, but THRIVE. You will LOVE life, savor it, and bring numerous sacred and loving things into your heart.
I know it seems impossible right now...the pain..it swallows you whole..you can hardly breathe sometimes...and you feel like it is written on your forehead.. "I have been sexually abused". You can't escape it. But you can go through it..one step at a time. Try. Try one thing each day to take care of yourself. Comb your hair, go for a walk, eat something that tastes really good, see a funny movie, or buy yourself a new top. Reward yourself for talking about that flashback you had last night with your counselor. Reward yourself for every step you take. Once you are feeling better, I would also recommend an exercise class or yoga..it helps you reconnect with your body again.

And there's one more thing.

By doing all of this healing..you will no longer attract men into your life that will abuse you. And if they happend to waltz by, you can spot them immediately. But in order to do this..you must educate yourself and heal from the trauma of the abuse. Put YOU first! And if you have a heart to love another, he will find you.

I wish you PEACE..

Labels: It was good for me to read your stories today

posted by Robert Heard at 7:29 AM