Conflict-Resolving Work to Save Your Marriage

Conflict-Resolving Work to Save Your Marriage


Fighting, bickering, silence, misunderstandings, frustration, arguments, and a steadily growing distance between the two of you....does any of this sound familiar? Do you miss the way your relationship "used to be" and wish you could get it back? Conflict-resolving and better communication skills play a vital role in keeping your marriage healthy. You can, you really can, but it will take work and commitment.

All relationships face conflict at some point, and marriage is no different. It is however, a more intense arena for dealing with problems and at times, those difficulties can seem insurmountable. If your marriage has been facing a lot of conflict, and you are worried divorce is now an option, it's time to take action. It is time to improve your communication and conflict resolution skills. If you are not sure where to start, that is okay. The best resource I have seen on the market is the Secret of Marriage by Lee Baucom- trained marriage counselor of nearly 20 years. Check it out. Now let's talk.
Commitment to your Marriage is the Key to Avoiding Divorce / Conflict-Resolving Will Become a Priority
Remember your vows. Divorce was not a promise you made.
The key to saving your marriage is in being true to the commitment you made on your wedding day. I bet that 99.9% of all married couples did not take vows that said something like "I will remain married to you as long as I am happy and feel like it." That would be absurd. Rather, they committed to the marriage through thick and thin, good times and bad, sickness and health..." So that commitment needs to be the foundation that the rest of your marriage is built upon.

Once you and your spouse can agree on this, you can then take divorce out of the conversation. It will no longer be an option because you have chosen to keep the vow you made on the day you were married. If you can do this, things will undoubtedly begin to change. Working through issues will now be easier because that option of off the table...the fear, anxiety, or power struggle will no longer factor in. Instead, you two will begin to work on the issues before you. So start here. Remember your vow to the marriage, and commit to it once again.
What Makes A Marriage Work? Commitment Focuses on Conflict-Resolving
Commitment to the promises you made on your wedding day.
Do you believe that happiness in your marriage will be based on how compatible you are with your spouse? If you do, you are not alone. So many people believe this as well, and the media portrays this as being the most important thing. For example, look at what all the Online Dating services offer: finding compatibility with another person. We have been sucked into believing that this is the magic formula, but it is not.

Compatibility should not be a deciding factor as to weather you marriage will last or not. Instead, I challenge you to consider that what counts in making a happy marriage is how you deal with incompatibility.
This one skill is sadly missing in so many marriages today.


But lets talk about the foundation of a happy couple. I believe it comes when two people are in love. However, one of the main reasons cited for divorce is that someone just isn't in love with their spouse anymore. To me, this is an indicator that keeping those loving feelings alive would be foundational to saving your marriage. Once that love has been re-ignited it is then so much easier to work through other problems such as conflict resolution.
Couples Married and In Love Keep the Feeling Alive
How can you get those loving feelings back?
If you or your spouse just don't feel "in love" which each other anymore, then it's time to work to bring back those feelings. They are foundational to your marriage staying together. You need to work hard to build those feelings up again.

The very best way to explain it is has been shared by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. He has described it in the context of each spouse having a love bank that the other spouse either deposits or withdraws from. If to much hurt has occurred and no love has been shown, the bank will be empty, and leave the relationship in a state of despair. The remedy? Show love to your spouse. Help to rebuild those feelings in them, even if you don't feel like it at first. Let me share ideas on how to do this.

Your spouse's feelings towards you are directly related to how you treat them. Your words, actions and behaviors all impact your spouse in one way or another. Learning to understand your partner's emotional needs and desires will allow you to impact them positively, thus building up those feelings of love.
Five specific things that will hurt your relationship and the love you share are:
1. Selfish Demands
2. Disrespectful Judgments
3. Angry Outburst
4. Annoying Habits
5. Dishonesty

Avoid these behaviors and watch the feeling of love grow. Once your partner begins to feel loved by you, the natural tendency will be for them to reciprocate loving gestures back, thus filling your love bank. The eventual outcome will be the feeling of "being in love" with your spouse again. Once that is established, working through all of the other marital issues, like conflict resolution will become a lot easier.
Conflict In Marriage - It's Going To Happen
But good conflict resolution skills can help.
All relationships face conflict, but how it's resolved is really what matters. It would seem, by the statistics on divorce, many couples do not have an understanding of healthy conflict management. Rather, things go on unresolved and eventually, a good marriage ends up in divorce when it didn't have to. Therefore, an important course of action to take would be to get information from an expert in the field of marriage and relationships, and learn some new skills that you can use in your marriage. One such expert is Lee Baucom and his course The Secret of Marriage .

Conflict resolution is one of the biggest challenges many couples face. And when it goes unresolved, conflict can build a wall between the two partners. This then leads to resentment, discouragement and even bigger problems than were originally there. Hence, learning to work through disagreements would be an enormous help to all relationships. I would like to offer you some easy ideas that you can implement today that may help you and your spouse. Even the smallest changes will make a difference. You've got to be willing to try it to see.
Will "The Secret of Marriage" Program help me in my Unhappy Marriage?
That is a very fair question!

Here's the interesting thing to think about; we all know people who have divorced. They are not bad people (OK, some may be unpleasant!). So divorce is not an issue just for bad people, bad communicators, etc., etc., etc. Divorce can happen to perfectly wonderful people. . . who just don't know how to stay married! They finally give up because they can't figure out a way to make it work. This program will help you to do just that.

So, is this program for you?
1. Are you struggling to stay married, worried that you may be headed for trouble?
2. Are you faced with the looming prospect of divorce?
3. Does your spouse think your marriage is hopeless. . . and you mostly agree?
4. Do you find yourself having the same issues over and over, unable to break out of the painful patterns?
5. Or are you trying to make sure you have the best information to keep your marriage on-track?
6. Or are you preparing for marriage and want to get started on the best possible footing?
7. Or are you in a committed relationship, contemplating marriage, but want to know what makes a marriage work?

If you answered "YES" to any of those, The Secret Of Marriage will be invaluable to you! With a 90% success rate, Mr. Baucom does know how to help couples. That is very good news.
Help Your Marriage - Conflict Resolution and Communication Must Be Improved
Do you remember the love that brought the two of you together that day?
Nobody ever said it would be easy, and certainly nothing prepares you for the life change that you undertake in marriage. There is no manual that comes with the marriage license that tells you how to make things work. So you blunder on, doing the best you can. But what if that's not enough? Don't be scared to ask for help.

You can save yourself the stress and emotional heartache and re-ignite the passion that you once both felt. Let The Secret of Marriage help you and your partner resolve your conflicts, and get your loving partner back. Its not going to be easy, but what this program provides you with is all the relationship advice and tools necessary to facilitate dialogue and works towards repairing the hurt of a failing marriage.

Amy Waterman, the author of "Save Your Marriage Today" has created a valuable tool that will change your marriage and change your life! See it for yourself and turn your marriage around today!
Get Some Marriage Help Today with new Communication Skills
Are you and your spouse great communicators? If you're thinking "Not even close..." take heart! Communication skills are easy to learn and to put into practice.

Here are some insights from Dr. Greg Smalley:
Good communication begins with good listening.

He outlines the four foundations of good communication:
1. Listening - By listening to your spouse, you communicate that they are a person of worth and what they say is important.

2. Understanding - You may have to paraphrase back to your spouse what you hear them saying so that you clearly understand what has been said: "What I just heard you say was%u2026"

3. Validating - Then your spouse can verify or correct until he is saying and you are hearing exactly what he means. You can affirm your spouse by understanding what is communicated and validating the communication.

4. Responding - At this point, you can decide how to respond to what your spouse has said.

This is just a brief sample of what you will learn in the Unlocking The Secrets of Marriage course, but a very effective way to make positive changes in your communication style.
Learning Conflict Resolution In Your Relationship
Since happiness is not solely based on compatibility, but largely on communication and conflict resolution, let's talk a bit about these two skills. An acronym I have been taught is to practice the REST method. Here is a guideline:

R- Review the Problem
Before you can adequately solve a problem, you must both be able to identify and agree upon what the problem is. This will take communicating with one another in a non-threatening way. An important was to facilitate this is to both agree to discuss a problem and then use "I" statements, rather than "You" statements. The goal is to find a resolution and defensiveness will hinder that from happening.

E- Evaluate the Options
This is a brainstorming session where you both share what ideas come to mind. It is not a time to be negative or critical, but a time for optimism and being open minded. Compromise is also an important component of this process. Often times, this is the step where couples get stuck. They are not sure what the options for solving these problems are. They are not sure what to do next. The Secret of Marriage is a great resource to help you see what steps you need to take to turn things around in your relationship.

S- Solve the Problem
Choose one of the options you just brainstormed and put a plan into action. This option is not the "only option" so be willing to give it a try. You can always re-evaluate and try something new. Again, if you have information from a Professional Marriage Counselor to help guide you through this process, you will see positive results in your marriage.

T- Track Progress
Set aside to sit down and talk about how the solution is working. It may be going very well, or you may see that a different option needs to be explored. The important part is that you evaluate it together as a couple to ensure that you both feel like a positive change is occurring.
Here's my favorite link:
Find the help you need. The Secret of Marriage has a 90% success rate!
The Correct Way To Argue - Good Communication Skills are a Must!
Most couples are exceedingly poor at resolving conflicts. In the relationship guide The Secret of Marriage you will learn many techniques designed to teach you how to resolve conflict in a positive way.

For now, let me share the most basic ground-rules for arguments. If you can discuss these with your spouse and agree on them together you will begin seeing changes in your relationship.

1. Abuse and physical violence will not be tolerated.
If things get too hot, take a break or take a walk.

2. Avoid assigning blame.
Instead, talk about how your partner's actions made you feel.

3. Be honest.
Don't argue about one thing if something else is bothering you.

4. Don't take things personally.
When someone is upset, they can say or do things that make it worse.

5. Focus on resolving the issue--not winning the argument.
Think negotiation, not competition.

6. If your spouse hasn't understood your motives or misunderstood what you said, don't get angry. Explain yourself.

7. Stay in the present.
No bringing up hurtful events from the past.

8. No going to sleep on an argument.

9. No name-calling.
No matter what. Not for any reason. Just do not do it. Words do hurt.

10. Once an argument is resolved, forgive and forget.
Do not use it is ammunition in the next argument.

Labels: Conflict-Resolving Work to Save Your Marriage

posted by Robert Heard at 7:01 AM