PARENTS' CHALLENGING BEHAVIOURS

PARENTS' CHALLENGING BEHAVIOURS
One of the realities of family life is that each parent brings their emotional baggage into their parenting role. There is no person that I know that does not have some doubts about their worth and capability. Clearly, vulnerability is on a continuum from low to extremely high. In my clinical experience of working with individual children and adolescents I can trace the origins of their difficulties back five, six, and even seven generations. These origins are not genetic in nature, but a passing on of emotional baggage from generation to generation and, unless somewhere along that generation line someone stops, reflects and takes the necessary actions to bring about emotional and social maturity, the baggage gets passed on. It is not that parents want to deliberately block the wellbeing of their children, but the reality is that is what happens should they not resolve their inner emotional and outer social conflicts.

It is the ways that a parent's emotional baggage manifests itself that become the challenging behaviours that threaten the well-being of children. A parent's challenging behaviour is best defined as those actions or omissions that, on the one hand, invite the parent to reflect on his or her vulnerability, and, on the other hand, pose a block to a child's mature development. An example will help clarify what I am saying. Take a father who is addicted to work, perfectionistic and short-tempered. His frequent absence can lead to his children feeling that his work is far more important than their presence. His unrealistic expectations of high academic achievement undermines children's sense of their lovability and capability and, in defence, the child may either become work addicted and perfectionistic like his Dad or totally rebel. In rebelling, the child cleverly goes the opposite way to his father's ways and so he will hate and avoid schoolwork and be utterly careless in the way he carries out tasks. The father's short-temper becomes a threat to children expressing their feelings, thoughts, unmet needs and grievances and so children develop the defensive (and, subsequently) challenging behaviour of passivity. Some children rebel against a father's short-temper and become even more aggressive than the father and in this way the sad cycle of the father's emotional baggage begins to be repeated. Note that those children who become passive in the face of the father's aggressiveness also repeat the cycle of vulnerability, but in a different way.

What does father need to do? He needs to recognise his challenging behaviours, see the effects his responses are having on himself, his partner and his children and be determined to change how he sees himself, his work, his partner and his children. When he finds he is not resolving his emotional baggage, it is crucial that he seeks out professional help for the sake of himself, his marriage and his children. It is an act of caring courage and maturity to admit to one's vulnerabilities and seek the appropriate psycho-social help necessary to make mature progress. The deeper the level of maturity of a parent the more he or she has to offer in terms of the well-being of the family.

It is now a truism that parents can only bring children to the same level of development and maturity they have reached themselves.

A challenging behaviour that is more typical of mothers is being over-involved with their children and not allowing children to do things for themselves, thereby inducing in the children the challenging behaviour of helplessness around care of self. Where there is an over-belonging to her children, a mother needs to reflect and check to what extent does she belong to herself? It is only in the resolution of this will she be in a position to give and receive and provide the opportunities for her children to take responsibility for themselves.

There are many challenging behaviours that children experience from their parents - irritability, anxiety, over-protection, aggression, unrealistic expectations, ridicule, scoldings, depression, passivity, to name but a few. It is crucial that parents reflect on what makes them act in these ways towards their children and to refrain from blaming (another challenging behaviour) their children for their responses. All our actions, words, thoughts and feelings are revelations about ourselves and are not caused by other people. When each of us owns our own responses, reflects on them and take the corrective actions needed, then the world becomes a safer place for all, most of all for children.
Dr. Tony Humphreys is a clinical psychologist and author of All About Children, Questions Parents Ask.

Labels: PARENTS' CHALLENGING BEHAVIOURS

posted by Robert Heard at 7:00 AM