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Top 7 Warning Signs Your Marriage is in Trouble
By Cathy Meyer, About.com
See More About:extra-marital affairslegal separationthe divorce process
In most divorces, one spouse is caught off guard by the delivery of divorce papers. That is why it pays, to pay attention to what is going on in your marriage. Getting comfortable with the status quo and taking things for granted is one of the biggest mistakes married couples make. Below is a list of warning signs of a marriage in trouble.
1. You no longer, have anything in common.
Do you and your partner spend hours together under the same roof, at social engagements or performing routine errands, yet rarely engage in meaningful conversation? Living in silence is a primary symptom of major marital problems.
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2. You can do no right.
Do you feel like your every action is being watched and criticized by your partner? Can you do no right in their eyes? Do you feel intimidated or afraid because of your partners constant criticism? Too often partners will funnel larger relationship issues into negative criticism of day-to-day tasks.
3. You are the last to know.
Is you partner no longer sharing information with you about his career, personal problems or personal achievements? Is your partner sharing this information with a friends and family and you hear it second hand? When you become the last to know important information there has been a huge breakdown in communication.
4. A change in appearance.
Over time, your comfort level will inevitably end that desire to look "perfect" for every encounter with your partner. However, a drastic decline in personal appearance and hygiene by your spouse could be a sign of they no longer care or, are happy in the marriage.
5. Looking for distractions from the problems.
If the television is on constantly, you both sit with your face buried in a book or you always have something else that needs to be done there may be a problem. It is common for individuals to find such distractions to avoid dealing with a troubled marriage.
If the television is on constantly, you both sit with your face buried in a book or you always have something else that needs to be done there may be a problem. It is common for individuals to find such distractions to avoid dealing with a troubled marriage.
6. Arguing over the same subject repeatedly.
If your arguments become routine with all the same issues and no resolution, then your marriage is either standing still or dying fast. You may need the assistance of a professional counselor to help find solutions to the problems that don’t seem to go away.
7. Intimacy is a thing of the past.
A considerable decline in physical affection is one of the most recognized symptoms of a failing relationship. Intimacy is the act that allows us to bond as husband and wife. If your partner is showing no or very little interest in intimacy with you then they are showing little concern for their emotional bond with you as a husband/wife.
Labels: Is Your Marriage in Danger?
Is Your Marriage In Trouble?
by Darlene Smith, B.S.W., M.C., Vancouver, Washington
DIVORCE IS HAPPENING FAR TOO OFTEN. AND IT ISN’T ANY LONGER "OUT THERE." IT’S IN HERE AMONG US, IN OUR CHURCHES. MARRIAGES THAT START OUT WITH HIGH HOPES AND WONDERFUL GOALS SOMEHOW OVER A PERIOD OF TIME COME UNGLUED. TAKE A FEW MOMENTS AND CHECK THE WARNING SIGNALS FOR YOUR LIFE.
Tom sat in my office trying to keep his tears in check. "Looking back," he said, "I can see where Mary was trying to tell me our marriage was in trouble, but I wasn’t listening. I was too involved in my work, and now I’m afraid it’s too late."
Over the years I have heard numerous variations of Tom’s story and pain. Marriages seldom fall apart overnight. Almost always there are warning signals if you’re willing to acknowledge them.
CHECK THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS THAT APPLY TO YOUR MARRIAGE. (NAMES ARE FICTITIOUS.)
1. You want more time away from your spouse, even when you are in the same house.
2. You share fewer feelings with your spouse because he/she wouldn’t understand or care.
3. You and your spouse rarely touch except sexually.
4. You have become very critical of your spouse – to her/him, to your children, to others, and/or to yourself.
5. You are carrying resentments toward your spouse. Things that take place in the present add to things that you haven’t resolved from the past.
6. You think of former romantic relationships and feel you would have been happier if you had married one of them.
7. You don’t make plans to spend special time with your spouse. The two of you mostly sit at home watching TV, reading, etc.
8. You complain about your marriage to your friends and/or a parent.
9. You aren’t keeping yourself up, i.e., by exercise, cleanliness, dressing attractively, or controlling your weight.
10. You make hurtful "jokes" about your spouse in front of him/her when others are present.
11. When you and your spouse do talk, the subjects are usually money and children and who is going to do what around the house.
12. More and more you find yourself attracted to members of the opposite sex.
13. You compare your spouse to others of the opposite sex, and others usually come out ahead.
14. When your spouse tries to talk to you about something that is wrong, you repeatedly tune him/her out.
15. You cope with life with compulsive behaviors such as over-eating, overworking, over involvement in church activities (or alcohol, drugs, etc.)
16. You customarily share your deepest feelings with a close friend rather than with your spouse.
17. You rarely compliment or show appreciation to your spouse.
18. Most of your free time is spent in activities that don’t include your spouse.
19. You and your spouse bicker and argue over small things, or your "discussions" frequently escalate into major fights.
20. You feel your spouse should do things your way. You try to change your spouse into whom you want him/her to be.
21. You avoid being alone with your spouse. You are more comfortable when others are present.
22. You have sexual fantasies about other members of the opposite sex.
23. You spend considerable time and share your feelings with a member of the opposite sex.
24. When you and your spouse fight, on occasion one (or both of you) throw things, break things, or slaps or hits the other.
25. You dress or behave in ways to attract the opposite sex.
ADD YOUR CHECK MARKS. IF YOU CHECKED:
1-3 items You have a strong marriage. Work on the areas you checked.
4-8 items Your marriage is showing signs of deterioration. Pay attention and work on those areas that need improvement.
9-12 items Your marriage is in trouble. You are on your way to a dead marriage. Do something now or your marriage will most likely slip into the next category. Find a good marriage therapist, attend marriage seminars or read books about strengthening your marriage. Let your spouse know that saving your marriage is very important to you.
13+ items Your marriage is in CRISIS! You may still be able to save it, but it will take a huge commitment and a lot of hard work. Your marriage is dying and only emergency care will save its life. Get help immediately or it will be too late.
Labels: Is Your Marriage in Danger?
Is Your Marriage in Trouble?
Early-warning signs that might signal problems in a marriage.
By Edwin Kiester, Jr., and Sally Valente Kiester
One evening when Linda Bunfield of Evergreen, Colo., asked her husband about his workday, he shrugged, mumbling something about being exhausted. It was the second time in a few days that Dennis had kept to himself like that.
Linda knew something was bothering him, but he wouldn't talk about it. To her this was yet another warning sign that their marriage needed improvement.
The next day she signed them up for a weekend couples' workshop given by Howard Markman at the University of Denver. There Dennis admitted he had work problems but "didn't want to burden" Linda with them. The workshop convinced him that they needed to share such concerns in order to have a strong marriage.
"People think marriages end with an affair or something equally explosive," says John Gottman, author of Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. "In fact, most end gradually, sliding down a slope of complaint, criticism, defensiveness and withdrawal until it's difficult to scramble back up. Yet there are usually early warnings that the relationship could be headed for trouble."
Here are some of the most common warning lights that can alert you to take stock of your marriage:
Separate Date Books
Linda Bunfield acknowledges that she and Dennis had been keeping "his" and "her" calendars. Each had a full schedule that, however unintentionally, excluded the other. In these hectic times, going separate ways is commonplace. It can also be a warning of possible breakdown ahead, according to therapist Michele Weiner-Davis, author of Divorce Busting. "Careers, children, hobbies, volunteer work -- people put all these things ahead of their relationships," Weiner-Davis says. Her suggestion: an "our" calendar that puts your relationship first. Make it a priority to pencil in dates for dinner out, day trips and just spending time together at home.
Thinking the Worst
In the early days of a marriage, spouses assume only the finest of motives for the other's actions. Take, for instance, the new husband who's late arriving for dinner. He's probably stuck in traffic, his wife thinks, or he probably had to stay longer at work. When he arrives, no matter what time, she greets him warmly.
Later in the marriage, however, as dinners grow cold and the kids are hungry, she becomes annoyed. He could have called, she may think. He never considers anyone but himself. Or she broods about other, less kindly explanations -- perhaps another woman or a stop at the neighborhood bar.
"It's a bad sign when partners don't give each other the benefit of the doubt," says Markman, co-author of Fighting for Your Marriage. In solid relationships partners cut each other some slack.
No More Pinches
When Pat and Tom Sanders walk down the street, friends watch with amusement. The Palo Alto, Calif., couple have been married 33 years, yet they still walk hand in hand.
When a relationship is new, there's plenty of touching. The two can scarcely pass each other without an affectionate pat. But for many couples, that casual intimacy eventually vanishes. "They don't pinch each other anymore," Gottman says. "They don't giggle together over private jokes or offer compliments such as 'Thanks for that wonderful dinner last night.'"
Growing Out of Touch.
One workshop exercise at the Seattle Marital and Family Institute has couples answer such questions as "Who's your partner's enemy at work?" and "What's your partner's favorite way to spend an evening?" One husband was stumped when asked, "What are your partner's concerns and worries?"
It's potential trouble when a spouse no longer knows a partner's likes and dislikes, or doesn't recognize issues that make the partner anxious.
Gritted Teeth
A Seattle woman's husband would frequently switch on the television after dinner. In the early days of their marriage, she protested regularly. "But after a while," she says, "I gritted my teeth and put up with it. But the anger never went away."
Says Markman: "Too much peace can lead to a cold, distant relationship. Unless the partners speak up and resolve their differences and fight for their marriage, eventually there'll be an explosion -- or a walkout."
History Turns Sardonic
Alan met Lyllian when he came to pick up her roommate for a date. Marge and Tom met when he and his buddies gathered to get a look at the new teachers who'd come to their small Iowa town. Couples delight in telling these stories, often with laughter and affection.
But with other couples, sometimes the laughter disappears, and the whimsical tone gives way to sarcasm: "She trapped me -- that's how it happened," or "He chased me until I got tired of running." This is a tip-off that shouldn't be ignored. In fact, some marriage researchers say they can predict which couples are headed for a breakup simply by asking questions such as "How did you happen to get married?" and then watching their reactions.
If a warning signal lights up on your marital dashboard, here's what the experts advise:
Speak Softly
Don't challenge your spouse. Introduce your concern gently and with politeness and respect.
One couple in a Gottman workshop had just had a second child. As the mother was nursing the newborn in bed, with the older child lying between his parents, the husband suddenly realized there were now two bodies separating him from his wife. Sensing something was wrong, she asked, "What's the problem, John?"
"Oh, I'm just having a pity party," he replied.
"That was a wonderful answer," Gottman says. "His wife understood he was feeling neglected without his withdrawing or complaining."
Don't Wait
When you know things have gotten off track, speak up: "I don't like the way things have been going between us lately. Can we talk about it?" Couples who stay happily married only let a few difficult days pass before they look for a resolution.
Do a "Blamectomy"
"Remove blame from the discussion," Gottman advises. "Say, 'This is what's bothering me, what can we do about it?' Not, 'You lout! Why do you behave that way?'"
Be Flexible
Smart couples look for ways to ease tensions before they escalate out of control. In that regard, says Markman, "a little give makes a big difference."
From Reader's Digest - June 1997
Originally in Reader's Digest
Labels: Is Your Marriage in Danger?
Is Your Marriage in Danger?
By: Max Vogt
Many couples need guidance in identifying the specific problems they can tackle in improving their marriages or relationships.
You might feel that "something is wrong" or something hurts or doesn't feel right, but you can't exactly put your finger on it.
It can frequently be helpful to have something like a "danger signs" chart (like used in helping people diagnose cancer or other disorders). This kind of "chart" can help you pinpoint areas of pain or discomfort... and thus help know where to put your focus.
Also, you might wonder whether you should just "ignore it and it will go away..." and could use some help in identifying areas or "danger signs" that are really significant (and shouldn't just "be ignored").
These are not minor complaints! Any single one of them could end up being the source of profound discomfort, even leading to thoughts of divorce!
It's absolutely essential that you pay attention now and not later to these "danger signs." One of the biggest challenges (and most painful and sad experiences) I have had over my many years as a couples therapist is seeing good and wonderful people coming to therapy almost "too late," when they should have shown up years earlier.
Sometimes it literally is too late! Don't let this happen to you. Review this list and see how many you discover apply to you in your marriage. You might be surprised.
Use this Checklist to Find Out (I actually listed 12)
1. Even if you have "only" 3 of these areas, Your marriage definitely is in deep water and you are in serious trouble, headed for disaster, if you don't change things NOW)
2. You actually have started to dread coming home to your partner
3. You cringe when they talk to you because you predict it's always going to turn out painfully
4. There are so few things you can happily talk about by now that they could all fit in a thimble
5. The things you used to find appealing or charming about your spouse you now find irritating or even worse (even disgusting)
6. The things you used to do together that you thought were fun you either don't even do anymore or they really aren't fun anymore -- maybe it even hurts to do those things again
7. You feel your spouse doesn't even really like you anymore, or maybe even hates you
8. You are tempted to cheat, divorce, lie or misbehave in ways that you don't feel proud of and you just feel devastated it's come to this
9. You look at your spouse almost as an opponent or even an enemy when it comes to parenting, sex, finances or other important decisions.
10. You criticize or even humiliate your spouse (or they do to you) in public, with friends or at parties or get-togethers.
11. You develop a cynical, pessimistic attitude about whether anyone has a great marriage or if there is even such a thing or if other people have them; and look around you and see bad marriages (you have a filter against seeing the great ones)
12. You just have an empty dark, hollow feeling inside, not anything in particular, that your marriage is not what you expected in life; you are deep down, disappointed in marriage
What you hoped for, prayed for and dreamed about being married and being with your soulmate seems to have completely died.
How Many Of These Danger Signs Did You Check Off? 3 or more?
If you have discovered you can identify at least three of these "danger signs," your marriage either is or soon will be in serious trouble!
How do I know that? Because these are the things that people try to "blow off" and manage without addressing them... and that end up creating far more serious problems because of their cumulative power.
Remember, a whole mountain is eroded over time by wind and a trickle of water. Deep canyons are formed over the years by a continuous erosion. Your marriage has the same possibility of erosion if you don't address the core issues.
If So, I highly recommend that you get to work on your marriage!
Labels: Is Your Marriage in Danger?
