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Psychotherapy and Relationship / Marriage Counseling
Psychotherapy, Relationship Help & Marriage Counseling
Psychotherapy is broadly defined as the treatment of mental and emotional disorders or problems. Psychotherapy involves a process, a relationship between a patient/client and a therapist.
In This Article:
* What is psychotherapy?
* Insurance coverage
* Psychotherapy vs. counseling
* Which therapy is best?
* Types of therapy
* Couple, family and group therapy
* Mental health professionals
* Telephone and online therapy
* References and resources
We have probably all seen TV shows or movies in which a psychotherapist, psychiatrist, or marriage counselor is portrayed as a comedic character, or one who behaves in very unethical or inappropriate ways. There are also a few films or TV shows in which therapists are shown at their best. Over time, most people have come to realize that someone does not have to be "crazy" in order to go see a therapist. But understanding the different types of therapy and deciding which therapist to contact can still be confusing to many people.
Helpguide's series, Relationship Help: Communication Skills to Find and Keep a Healthy Exciting Love Relationship, is for women and men of all ages.
What is psychotherapy?
Psychotherapy is broadly defined as the treatment of mental and emotional disorders or problems. Psychotherapy involves a process, a relationship between a patient/client and a therapist. The therapist is usually someone trained to:
* Listen deeply
* Reflect empathically
* Offer insight
* Provide feedback
* Help the person explore alternatives
* Serve as a guide or companion on the journey of exploration into the depths of emotions and experiences.
Therapy sessions are usually 45-50 minutes in length, one or more times per week. The number of sessions depends on the types of difficulties experienced by the client – symptomatic relief can often be achieved in a few sessions, longer and more lasting changes in negative behavior patterns might take a year or longer, and depth life issues might require several years to overcome.
Many different goals have been identified by psychotherapists, such as:
* Developing insight into problems
* Learning to communicate more effectively
* Learning to resolve both internal and interpersonal conflicts
* Managing, reducing or relieving symptoms of emotional distress
* Changing behaviors to improve social, relational or vocational functioning
* Personal growth and development
* Reconstructing a life damaged by faulty early life experiences
Many different kinds of personal and interpersonal difficulties can be relieved through psychotherapy. The pages throughout Helpguide's Mental and Emotional Health section describe many of these disorders and offer specific suggestions for identifying and treating them. For example, see Helpguide's Relationship Help: Exploring the Deeper Issues Behind Success or Failure in Love Relationships to learn how the lessons of infant bonding can be applied to helping adult love relationships.
A few general guidelines for those new to treatment with a psychotherapist:
* Some psychological symptoms may be rooted in a physical problem, such as a tumor or problem with circulation. Before or early in therapy, also see a medical doctor to rule out any organic source for the problem being experienced.
* Therapy often has an early "honeymoon" effect of symptom relief. While this seems positive, do not stop treatment before addressing the sources of the problems, or they may soon return or be replaced by other difficulties.
* Like house remodeling, taking apart things that haven't worked well in one's life often makes them seem worse before they get better. When therapy seems difficult or painful, don't give up – discuss your feelings and reactions honestly with your therapist and you will move forward rather than retreat back to your old, less effective ways.
Which type of therapy is the best?
There is no one type of therapy that is the best, any more than there is one best style of car or one best kind of food. It depends on each person's individual needs and wishes. Some specific techniques have been found to be more useful than others in dealing with certain types of problems (such as phobias), but in general, research about the "best" model of therapy always reaches the same conclusion: the most critical factor is the relationship between the therapist and the client/patient. If you feel comfortable and trusting in that relationship, the model of therapy, like your car, is just the vehicle that will help you move ahead to lead a more fulfilling life, regardless of the circumstances that bring you to seek assistance.
Types of therapy
There are many types of therapy. Generally, they all seek to help people improve their lives. How they go about that depends on their different philosophies, or "theoretical orientation". Each type of orientation involves different ideas about what causes the pain in our lives, and what will help us heal and move forward in happier and more productive ways. Some examples of the focus of different orientations would be:
* Focus more on the past – family of origin, earlier life difficulties, how the present is rooted in past experience
* Focus more on the present – regardless of the past, what is happening in the here and now, what choices are being made, whether the results are satisfactory
* Focus on thoughts and behaviors – the ways we understand or interpret things that are happening in our lives, and what actions we take
* Focus on emotions – how we feel about the things that are happening in our lives
* Focus on the body itself – how the things happening in our lives show up as stress in physical armature and physical reactions.
Some of the more well-known psychotherapy approaches are summarized here.
Psychodynamic psychotherapy
Psychodynamic psychotherapy is used to help clients understand themselves more fully. The theory behind this approach is that our past – adverse childhood experiences or other unconscious conflicts – is the basis for problems that persist into adulthood, such as unusually low self-esteem, anxiety, or a feeling of being incomplete. Psychodynamic therapy presumes that some facets of our lives are hidden from us, in the subconscious mind, and that we use defenses to help keep us from experiencing the pain that would come from acknowledging elements from our past. Psychodynamic therapy can help to recognize and look behind these protective defense mechanisms, to bring the unconscious into conscious awareness, and to uncover and deal more effectively with neurotic conflicts.
The classic form of "talking therapy" is psychoanalysis, which has evolved into several modern branches, including self-psychology, object relations psychotherapy, intersubjectivity, and psychodynamic psychotherapy. In general, they all involve such typical constructs as:
* An orientation toward the past – childhood experiences, sexual feelings, fears, jealousies, relationships with parents, etc. – as the source of problems in the present
* Traditionally, a couch for the patient to lie on, with the therapist outside of the line of sight (however, most modern therapists now use chairs and sit face to face)
* The therapist (or analyst) as a blank screen – no personal photos or objects – to allow the patient to project any thoughts or conceptions onto the therapist (this is known as "transference")
* "Free association"– letting the mind wander aloud and seeing what connections arise
* Little interaction between the analyst and patient, until the analyst offers interpretations of what the patient is experiencing, and the reasons behind certain ideas or actions (although again, modern therapists often engage in greater interaction)
* Creating a safe space (or "holding environment") that allows the client to explore depth issues with as little fear as possible
* Long-term treatment, sometimes several times per week (although modern accommodations are often more brief)
Interpersonal psychotherapy
Interpersonal psychotherapy (IPT) is an approach based on the view that our current problems are maladaptive behaviors rooted in our previous interpersonal relationships. Personality is not a focus of this type of therapy, as it usually is with psychodynamic psychotherapy. Interpersonal psychotherapy generally targets these areas:
* Interpersonal disputes or difficulties (marital, family, work, or social)
* Role transitions (adapting to changes in social or occupational roles or other life circumstances)
* Grief and loss issues
* Interpersonal deficits
IPT is a short-term, highly structured approach that has been used to treat a wide range of issues, such as depression, eating disorders, and anxiety, all with an eye to the involvement of relationships in the past and present.
Interpersonal psychotherapy is also a broad term sometimes used in reference to many approaches that involve current issues related to interpersonal factors. Some of these therapeutic modalities are:
* Humanistic
* Gestalt
* Transactional Analysis (TA)
Most of these interpersonal therapies utilize such tools as:
* Active listening
* Clarification
* Communication exercises
* Role playing
* Encouragement of expression of feelings and affect
* Use of the therapeutic relationship as a model of healthy interactions
Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT)
Cognitive therapy involves identifying and changing harmful or ineffective thinking patterns. Behavioral therapy helps a client to recognize certain harmful or inappropriate behaviors that may be operating automatically, without awareness, and to substitute more helpful behaviors. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) uses a combination of both cognitive and behavioral therapy. CBT explores both thinking patterns and harmful or self-destructive behaviors that might accompany them. The therapy then combines changing the thinking patterns along with changing the behavior.
Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy is also known by the names given to it by certain well-known authors, such as Albert Ellis (Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy – REBT), or David Beck (Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy). In general, the approach taken is that events themselves do not cause our reactions. Rather, our thoughts – the meaning we give to external events – cause our feelings and behaviors. Thus, changing our thoughts will lead to changes in the way we feel or act.
CBT utilizes many "left brain" analytical, logical approaches, using such interventions as:
* Challenging negative thinking processes, for example:
- black and white thinking (the all or nothing version of reality)
- awfulizing (catastrophic thinking, where worries spin out to the worst possible outcome)
- minimizing (the tendency to act like certain important matters are not significant)
* Thought stopping (noticing when certain self-defeating thoughts are occurring and putting a mental stop sign on them)
* Automatic Thought Record (a log in which the person notes the triggers to reactions, automatic negative thoughts that arise in response to the triggers, challenges to the truth of these thoughts, and substitutions of more positive thoughts)
* Homework assignments to practice different ways of thinking and behaving
* Checklists and measurement scales (for depression, anxiety, etc.)
Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy has been researched in many different situations, and is often the treatment preferred for such conditions as:
* Phobias (excessive fear of specific objects or situations)
* Panic attacks and panic disorder
* Repetitive habits (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)
* Anxiety
* Depression
* Eating disorders
Other psychotherapeutic modalities
There are many other therapy models, each of which has a somewhat different philosophy and approach. Some have evolved from the needs of economic realities, in finding ways to assist people with lower cost and time commitments. Others appeal to the interests of those with more time, who want to explore the meaning of their lives but without the main focus on the past. Some of the current therapies are:
* Existential
* Humanistic
* Brief, Solution-Focused
* Narrative
There are also many types of therapy that are considered alternative or complementary, or are focused on the creative arts or body rather than the more traditional talk therapies. See Helpguide's Treatment Options for more information.
Couples, families, or groups in therapy
Psychotherapy was developed as the "talking cure" and was originally always conducted with the doctor or therapist and one patient or client. However, as the practice evolved, it became apparent that there were circumstances in which it makes sense to include others:
* Relationship matters – it is logical to include family members when issues concern others in the family
* Financial reasons – it is less costly to participate in a therapy group than individual treatment
* Reduced isolation – it is helpful to meet other people who share similar concerns
* Therapeutic time constraints – it is more efficient use of some therapists' time to meet with groups of people who have similar issues than meet with them individually
Any of the theoretical orientations described above might be adapted to working with couples, families or groups. Some of the other approaches to those settings are described below.
Marriage (relationship) counseling
All couples have conflicts or disagreements at times. The difference between a happily married (or otherwise committed) couple and an unhappy union most frequently involves the ability to discuss and resolve those differences in a positive manner that respects the interests and needs of each individual.
Common unhealthy, damaging relationship communications usually include such interactions as:
* Hostility, or verbal or physical attacks on the other person
* Put-downs, name-calling or other contempt for the partner
* Dragging old information or experiences into a current argument
* Defensive responses
* Withdrawal from a disagreement
* Escalating negativity in the relationship
If an unsatisfying love relationship is a part of your problem mix, see Helpguide's series, Relationship Help: Communication Skills to Find and Keep a Healthy Exciting Love Relationship.
Some therapists have specialized training in marriage counseling. A marriage counselor usually sees both members of the couple together, though some will occasionally also see each person individually. The goals of a marriage or relationship counselor are generally to help the couple:
* improve communication patterns
* develop empathic, active listening skills
* improve problem-solving skills
* resolve conflicts in ways that meet the needs of both partners
* explore ways for old wounds (from this or previous relationships) to be healed
* if possible, find ways to stay together in a positive and mutually satisfying relationship
* if not possible to stay together, then to separate in a healthy and respectful way
There are also some reputable weekend seminars for couples, usually conducted through religious organizations. The best known of these is Marriage Encounter, which is intended to improve relationships that are not in serious jeopardy. Many different religions provide Marriage Encounter weekend retreats. A similar program for pre-marital couples is called Engaged Encounter. For those with more difficulties, another resource is Retrouvaille ("re-discovery"), organized by the Catholic Church, but conducted without regard to the religious beliefs of participants.
Family therapy
There are also some additional approaches that have evolved specifically for family settings, such as:
* Family Systems – views families as a system in which each member plays a role that serves to sustain the balance (homeostasis), regardless of whether family members are happy with the way things are (status quo); considers that a change in any one member will cause the entire system to have to change and readjust
* Bowenian Family Therapy – looks at the generational patterns that are handed down in families; how family members often form "triangles" in their relationships by pulling others into a matter that actually concerns two people; focus in treatment is on the marital dyad, regardless of the family's view about which child or adult is the "problem"
* Structural Family Therapy – looks at the generational alliances in families; seeks to strengthen the parental dyad in its managerial role in the family; focus in treatment is the entire family, with shifts in the structure of the interactions
* Experiential – looks at the rules and roles played by family members and how family members struggle if those rules and roles are either poorly defined or inflexible; emphasis on communication patterns; treatment involves the entire family and often incorporates role playing or other drama or art
Family therapy is often the most appropriate treatment for a child with behavioral problems. It is also helpful when a family member has a serious medical problem or mental condition such as bipolar disorder or schizophrenia.
Group therapy
Group therapy refers to therapy sessions that involve a group participating, instead of one-on-one interaction with a therapist. They are different from self help or peer support groups in that there is a professional therapist as the facilitator. Group therapy may have a theme or focus (such as a women's or men's group, or one for divorcing people or recovering alcoholics) or they may be open to a variety of participants. Some groups are time-limited (participants join for a specified period), while others are open-ended. Groups generally include 6-8 people who meet at a regularly scheduled time, often for about 2 hours. Membership may be open, with people coming and going over time, or they may be closed, with a particular group who work together over a longer period, sometimes many years.
Types of mental health professionals and finding a good therapist
This is a starting place to learn about some of the types of mental health professionals. Each profession has training programs where pre-licensed individuals provide services under the supervision and training of a licensed professional. Note that a master's or doctoral degree is awarded by a college or university, while a license is granted by a state, after the candidate has earned an appropriate degree, completed a required number of clinical training hours of experience, and passed a written and/or oral examination.
How do you know which type of therapist is right for you? One of the most common ways to find a therapist is to ask friends, colleagues, or an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) for recommendations. The descriptions below provide general information on types of therapists, and each section includes links to organizations that have lists of therapists by city, specialization, training, or other useful information. Just as the theoretical training of a given person may or may not determine a good "fit" for you, the best therapist may be the one with whom you feel comfort, confidence, and trust, regardless of degree or license. You may need to talk to a few therapists on the phone or meet for a brief session with more than one before you decide where to start.
Marriage and family therapist (MFT)
Marriage and Family Therapists are psychotherapists who treat persons involved in interpersonal relationships. They are licensed to diagnose and treat mental and emotional disorders within the context of marriage, couples and family systems, as well as assist clients in achieving more adequate, satisfying and productive marriage, family, and social adjustment. The practice also includes premarital counseling, child counseling, divorce or separation counseling and other relationship counseling. Most MFTs will work with same-gender as well as heterosexual couples, though some therapists have specializations with gay couples. Marriage and Family Therapists have graduate training (a Master's or Doctoral degree) in marriage and family therapy and at least two years of clinical experience, in addition to passing a licensing exam.
Social worker (MSW or LCSW)
Clinical social workers are the largest group of professionally trained mental health care providers in the United States. Licensed Clinical Social Workers (LCSW) have a Master's degree in social work (MSW) along with additional clinical training and passage of a licensing exam. They help people function the best way they can in their environment, deal with their relationships with others, and solve personal and family problems. About 40% of social workers practice psychotherapy. Others are case managers - they are involved in coordinating a range of needed services for a client, such as psychiatric, medical, legal, or financial services. They can specialize in many fields, including gerontology, mental health, hospital administration, healthy care, schools, child welfare agencies, criminal justice, and child or adult protective services.
Other Licensed Professionals
Each state has its own licensing boards for mental health professionals, each with its own requirements for coursework, clinically supervised practice prior to licensing, and examination process. Some of the common titles include:
* Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC)
* Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMPC)
* Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LPCC)
* Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor (LCMHC)
Although most states require a Master's degree plus experience, there is no standardization across states in regard to these counselor designations. Some states have reciprocal acceptance of licenses if a therapist moves, while others, such as California, do not recognize LPCs and require additional training and supervision before eligibility for licensing. Check with your own state licensing commissions or boards to determine what kind of background and training is required for mental health professionals in your state.
Psychiatric nurses
A psychiatric nurse has a degree in nursing and is licensed as a registered nurse (RN); s/he also has additional experience in psychiatry. Advanced practice psychiatric nurses are registered nurses prepared at the master's level as a nurse practitioner or certified nurse specialist specializing in psychiatric-mental health care. Advanced practice psychiatric nursing roles embrace a variety of functions, which can include prescriptive practice of psychotropic medications; individual, group, and family psychotherapy; crisis intervention; case management; and consultation. They also have important functions in consultation to nurses in primary care and other medical settings who serve as first points of contact for many people seeking help.
Psychologist
Psychologists usually have a doctoral degree in psychology (Ph.D. or Psy.D.), and are often licensed in Clinical Psychology. Psychologists can do assessments to help evaluate people's mental health; they also can treat problems using psychotherapy. They often focus on treating particular populations, such as children, adolescents, children or adolescents in a school setting, older adults, or people with health issues. They can also specialize in what they would like to treat, such as the diagnosis and treatment of mental disorders, or problems of adjustment or life challenges, such as choosing a career or coping with marital problems. Or, they might specialize in performing assessments, such as personality testing or neuropsychological assessment.
Psychiatrist
A psychiatrist is a physician (M.D. or D.O.) who completed psychiatric residency training after four years of medical school. Psychiatrists specialize in the diagnosis, treatment and prevention of mental illnesses and substance abuse disorders. Many psychiatrists undergo additional training for specialization in such areas as child and adolescent psychiatry, geriatric psychiatric, forensic psychiatry, psychopharmacology, and/or psychoanalysis. Because they are medical doctors, psychiatrists can prescribe medication.
Psychoanalyst
A psychoanalyst is a mental health professional with additional training in psychoanalysis. Some psychoanalysts are also medical doctors, while others are not. As a therapy, psychoanalysis is based on the observation that individuals are often unaware of many of the factors that determine their emotions and behavior. Psychoanalytic treatment demonstrates how these unconscious factors affect current relationships and patterns of behavior, traces them back to their historical origins, shows how they have changed and developed over time, and helps the individual to deal better with the realities of adult life.
Telephone and online counseling
In the era of telecommunications and computers, there are now counselors who provide services by phone or email. Online counseling should probably not be considered a substitute for psychotherapy but may be a useful adjunct for some people. The advantages of such contacts are that they:
* Are available at all hours, worldwide
* Offer assistance to those who are unable or unwilling to seek such help in person
* May be a good introduction for someone who has never sought counseling and is "testing the waters" to see how it feels to discuss personal issues
* Are usually cost-effective (often charging about $1-2.00/minute, making a full 60-minute hour less expensive than a 50-minute in-person session might be).
But there are also many drawbacks to phone or online counseling:
* It is missing the "personal" interaction that is typically part of the healing process
* It is sometimes difficult to know if the provider is legitimate
* The provider cannot use visual cues (such as your facial expression or body posture) to get a more complete sense of your reactions and interactions
* It may be more difficult to clear up misunderstandings of what was meant by something said, on either side
* Insurance companies are unlikely to cover the costs
* There may be legal or ethical issues that are not adequately addressed for either party.
If you think you are interested in online or telephone counseling, it is advisable to go through a reputable organization to find a provider. At the very least, they will have screened their participants to assure they are properly licensed, and usually also require a resumé.
Does Marriage Counseling Work?
Does Marriage Counseling Work?
How to Fix Your Marriage
When considering marriage counseling, it's difficult not to wonder whether seeing a marriage counselor will actually work. This article provides some objective information based on data obtained from a national survey of marriage and family counselors and their clients. Also presented are several interesting opinions provided by individuals who have actually been through marriage counseling and were asked to comment on whether or not seeing a marriage counselor proved effective in helping their relationship.
An honest marriage counselor would agree that the motivation of a couple may be the single most important factor in determining the success of marriage counseling. It's unlikely that even a brilliant counselor would be able to save a marriage where one spouse has already decided upon a divorce, and a mediocre marriage counselor can probably help a couple who are utterly committed towards making their marriage work. With this in mind, research has been made in an effort to determine, on a more scientific level, the effectiveness of couples counseling.
In an article published by Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, clients of marriage and family counselors from 15 different states reported on their experience with counseling. The findings indicated that marriage and family counselors treated a wide range of issues in relatively short-term fashion, couple and family therapy are briefer than individual therapy, and that client satisfaction and functional improvement are quite high.
[*] Specifically, of clients from 526 marriage and family counselors in 15 different states:
* 98.1% rated services good or excellent
* 97.1% got the kind of help they desired
* 91.2% were satisfied with the amount of help they received
* 93% said they were helped in dealing more effectively with problems
* 94.3% would return to the same therapist in the future
* 96.9% would recommend their therapist to a friend
* 97.4% were generally satisfied with the service they received
* 63.4% reported improved physical health
* 54.8% reported improvement in functioning at work
* 73.7% indicated improvement in children’s behavior
* 58.7% showed improvement in children’s school performance
[*] Excerpted from "Clinical Practice Patterns of Marriage and Family Therapists: A National Survey of Therapists and Their Clients", Journal of Marital and Family Therapy--Volume 22, No. 1
While the above study provides raw data that supports the effectiveness of marriage and family counseling, a very interesting discussion on the question "Does Couples Counseling Work" from a public forum devoted to this topic offers a less clinical, but still positive view. Based on what seems to be a very honest and frank discussion among couples "who've been there," the answer to the question of whether or not marriage counseling is effective is a positive one. Read these posts on the Berkley Parents Network.
Regardless of the studies and opinions which seem to support the effectiveness of marriage / couples counseling, there are those who question it's effectiveness. An article on the about.com portal, had this to say:
The science of marital counseling is being studied in great detail these days. Research is showing that it is not as effective as people think, that women seem to get more from it than men, and that it might not have a lasting effect on the couple's marriage.
What type of couple gets the most from couple therapy? The answer is young, non-sexist, still in love, open couples.
Which couples receive the least from therapy? Some factors that can make couple therapy unsuccessful include couples who wait too long before seeking help, and often one or the other is set on getting a divorce and is closed to any suggestions that may save the marriage.
Excerpted from the marriage.about.com portal
Unfortunately, the data supporting the above-mentioned research is not specifically cited in the article. The article seems to imply that couples who seek counseling because they want their relationship to work are more likely to succeed with marriage counseling than are those who enter into counseling with the (perhaps hidden) truth that they already want out.
More opinions from folks "who've been there" can be found on the alt.marriage newsgroup. The following collection of discussion threads offers several interesting and insightful responses from people who have actually gone through couples counseling
Marriage counseling: Working through relationship problems
Illness, infidelity, sex, anger, communication problems — all can contribute to distress in marriages or other relationships. Marriage counseling or couples counseling can help resolve conflicts and heal wounds.
Your partner comes home from work, makes a beeline for the liquor cabinet and then sulks off silently. You haven't had a real conversation for weeks. A few arguments over money or late nights out, sure, but no heart-to-hearts. Sex? What's that?
Your relationship is on the rocks, and you both know it. But you aren't sure how to fix things — or if you really want to.
It may be time for marriage counseling. Marriage counseling can help you rebuild your relationship. Or decide that you'll both be better off if you split up. Either way, marriage counseling can help you understand your relationship better and make well-thought-out decisions.
What is marriage counseling?
Marriage counseling, also called couples therapy, helps couples — married or not — understand and resolve conflicts and improve their relationship. Marriage counseling gives couples the tools to communicate better, negotiate differences, problem solve and even argue in a healthier way.
Marriage counseling is generally provided by licensed therapists known as marriage and family therapists. These therapists provide the same mental health services as other therapists, but with a specific focus — a couple's relationship.
Marriage counseling is often short term. You may need only a few sessions to help you weather a crisis. Or you may need marriage counseling for several months, particularly if your relationship has greatly deteriorated. As with individual psychotherapy, you typically see a marriage counselor once a week.
MORE ON THIS TOPIC
* Family therapy: Healing family conflicts
* Psychotherapy: An overview of the types of therapy
Who can benefit from marriage counseling?
Most marriages and other relationships aren't perfect. Each person brings his or her own ideas, values, opinions and personal history into a relationship, and they don't always match their partner's. Those differences don't necessarily mean your relationship is bound for conflict. To the contrary, differences can be complementary — you know the saying about opposites attracting. These differences can also help people understand, respect and accept opposing views and cultures.
But relationships can be tested. Differences or habits that you once found endearing may grate on your nerves after time together. Sometimes specific issues, such as an extramarital affair or loss of sexual attraction, trigger problems in a relationship. Other times, there's a gradual disintegration of communication and caring.
No matter the cause, distress in a relationship can create undue stress, tension, sadness, worry, fear and other problems. You may hope your relationship troubles just go away on their own. But left to fester, a bad relationship may only worsen and eventually lead to physical or psychological problems, such as depression. A bad relationship can also create problems on the job and affect other family members or even friendships as people feel compelled to take sides.
Here are typical issues that marriage counseling can help you and a spouse or partner cope with:
* Infidelity
* Divorce
* Substance abuse
* Physical or mental conditions
* Same-sex relationship issues
* Cultural clashes
* Finances
* Unemployment
* Blended families
* Communication problems
* Sexual difficulties
* Conflicts about child rearing
* Infertility
* Anger
* Changing roles, such as retirement
Domestic violence
Marriage counseling may also be of help in cases of domestic violence or abuse. However, if the abuse or violence has escalated to the point that you fear for your safety or that of your children, consider contacting the police or a local shelter or crisis center. Don't rely on marriage counseling alone to resolve these problems.
Strengthening bonds
You don't need to have a troubled relationship to seek therapy. Marriage counseling can also help couples who simply want to strengthen their bonds and gain a better understanding of each other. Marriage counseling can also help couples who plan to get married. This pre-marriage counseling can help you achieve a deeper understanding of each other and iron out differences before a union is sealed.
MORE ON THIS TOPIC
* Domestic violence toward women: Recognize the patterns and seek help
* Infidelity: Mending your marriage after an affair
* Sexual health: How to achieve a fulfilling sexual relationship
* Infertility
* Drug addiction
* Alcoholism
* Alcohol use self-assessment: Rate your drinking habits
How does marriage counseling work?
Marriage counseling typically brings couples or partners together for joint therapy sessions. The counselor or therapist helps couples pinpoint and understand the sources of their conflicts and try to resolve them. You and your partner will analyze both the good and bad parts of your relationship.
Marriage counseling can help you learn skills to solidify your relationship. These skills may include communicating openly, problem solving together and discussing differences rationally. In some cases, such as mental illness or substance abuse, your marriage counselor may work with your other health care professionals to provide a complete spectrum of treatment.
Talking about your problems with a marriage counselor may not be easy. Sessions may pass in silence as you and your partner seethe over perceived wrongs. Or you may bring your fights with you, yelling and arguing during sessions. Both are OK. Your therapist can act as mediator or referee and help you cope with the emotions and turmoil. Your marriage counselor shouldn't take sides in these disputes.
You may find your relationship improving after just a few sessions. On the other hand, you may ultimately discover that your differences truly are irreconcilable and that it's best to end your relationship.
What if your partner refuses to attend marriage counseling sessions? You can go by yourself. It may be more challenging to patch up relationships when only one partner is willing to go to therapy. But you can still benefit by learning more about your reactions and behavior in the relationship.
How do you choose a marriage counselor?
Take care when choosing a marriage counselor or therapist. Not all are licensed or certified, or have specialized training in couples counseling.
Look for a marriage counselor who is a licensed mental health professional. Many marriage counselors are specifically designated as licensed marriage and family therapists (L.M.F.T.s). Licensing and credentialing requirements can vary by state. But most states require advanced training, including a master's or doctoral degree, graduate training in marriage and family therapy, and training under the supervision of other experts. Many marriage and family therapists choose to become credentialed by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), which sets specific eligibility criteria.
Most marriage counselors work in private practice. They may also work in clinics, mental health centers, hospitals and government agencies. Ask your health care provider for a referral to a marriage counselor. Family and friends also may give you recommendations based on their experiences. Your health insurer, employee assistance program, clergy, or state or local agencies also may offer recommendations. You can also look up marriage counselors in your phone book.
What questions should you ask when choosing a marriage counselor?
Before choosing a new marriage counselor, you can ask lots of questions to see if he or she is the right fit for you. Consider asking questions like these:
* Are you a clinical member of the AAMFT or licensed by the state, or both?
* What is your educational and training background?
* What is your experience with my type of problem?
* How much do you charge?
* Are your services covered by my health insurance?
* Where is your office, and what are your hours?
* How long is each session?
* How often are sessions scheduled?
* How many sessions should I expect to have?
* What is your policy on canceled sessions?
* How can I contact you if I have an emergency?
Making the decision to go to marriage counseling can be tough. But marriage counseling can help you cope better with a troubled relationship — rather than trying to ignore it or hoping it gets better on its own.
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Healthy Marriages
Parenting can be rewarding, but it also can be a difficult and demanding responsibility. Particularly with all of the demands facing busy families, it perhaps is not surprising that children tend to thrive best in two parent households, providing that it is not a high-conflict marriage. There are numerous factors that can impact a healthy marriage, but those factors should be assessed differently for different populations. For instance, the challenges and concerns of couples with a partner away on a military deployment or because of incarceration are different than those of a couple living together. In addition, it is important to recognize that couples do not either have a healthy marriage or not—healthy marriages exist in varying degrees along a continuum. The quality of the marriage and the contentment of each person involved are likely to vary over time.1
There is a growing consensus that it is not just marriage in and of itself that matters, but healthy marriage.2 There are 10 components instrumental in building a healthy marriage, based on decades of research on marriage and the perspectives of researchers working in the field.
1. Commitment of the couple—taking a long-term perspective toward the relationship, being willing to persevere when difficulties arise, and committing to caring for the other person.
2. Satisfaction—being contented and happy with various aspects of and with the marriage overall.
3. Communication—involving just not the sheer volume of communication in the marriage, but also the quality and nature of it.
4. Conflict resolution—having the ability to address and resolve conflict that can otherwise undermine the relationship.
5. Lack of domestic violence—experiencing conflict is a normal part of marriage, but physical assaults and psychological abuse are markers of an unhealthy marriage.
6. Fidelity—being faithful to one's spouse is an important component and many relationships do not survive this betrayal of trust.
7. Interaction and time together—having positive interactions and enjoying time together is as important as the amount of time spent together.
8. Intimacy and emotional support—experiencing feelings of trust, caring, and love, as well as physical affection, represent important dimensions of a healthy marriage.
9. Commitment to children—being committed to the development and well-being of all children born to or adopted by either spouse is an important element for couples with children.
10. Duration and legal marital status—remaining married, as long as it is not characterized by violence or high conflict, contributes to the stability of the children and family.
Written By: Dr LeCrone
Default 5 components of a healthy, lasting union
My wife and I often start with the wedding and fiftieth anniversary notes. There we find those couples who are beginning their journey together as well as the couples who have remained on this journey for half a century.
It is unrealistic to assume to all of these fifty year marriages are happy, healthy marriages but many do contain the elements of a successful relationship.
Research has shown that there are five qualities in a marriage that provide psychological health in the relationship.
• Healthy marriages have a balance of power. Of particular interest is how decisions are made. Does the husband make all of the decisions? Does the wife? Or is it a shared kind of power?
Partners in a healthy marriage are perceived as “best friends” with each partner being equal in power. Obviously, there will be time when the power will shift, but the partners will neither be dominant nor submissive. Neither will they be in constant turmoil and struggle over power and decision-making.
• The second component in a healthy marriage is commitment, defined as putting the spouse at the top of the list of importance in life. In many less-than-healthy relationships, mental health professionals have found that one member of the marital relationship may place work, children, adult parents or other things at a higher priority than their spouse.
• Closeness, a measure of “alikeness”, is found in happy marriages. Happily married couples are described as often being able to read each other’s minds or finish each other’s sentences. Sharing many common interests, friendships and convictions, they often think and feel much the same way about important issues, people and things. Also important is the fact that they are still able to be their own persons and have different interests, opinions, and activities.
• Intimacy, perhaps one of the most interesting and often misunderstood parts of a healthy marriage, does not refer to the sexual relationships, but rather is the ability to share deep feelings, fears, aspirations and thoughts. Marital intimacy in this sense is a rare quality, in part due to what many authorities believe stems from a great deal of difficulty on the part of many men in sharing intimate feelings with anyone.
• Autonomy. This final quality is described as healthy space and independence between the couple. Each individual in the marriage has a healthy sense of who they are aside from the relationship. The ability to maintain balance and stand on one’s feet without relying on their spouse is found to be a component in a healthy relationship.
Hopefully this information will help those couples striving to remain happily married for fifty years.
Five Components for a Healthy Marriage
Five Components for a Healthy Marriage
By blue23ice
COMMUNICATION: expression of thoughts and feelings both verbal and nonverbal; being a good listener.
* be a good listener
* ask questions about the other person's like and dislike
* wait until the other person finishes his/her statement prior to speaking
* speak calmly even when angry or hurt, or take time out and plan a "date" to resume the discussion when you've both calmed down
* no name calling
COMMITMENT: stick to one's promise or agreement; loyal; reliable; faithful through good times and bad.
* keep one's promises even when one feels like doing something else
* help and finish household chores
* watch younger siblings
* be a responsible student, team member or club member
* be on time
* complete assignments
SELF-CONTROL: ability to control feelings; speak and act calmly even though you may be angered; doing what is expected even without individuals having to watch you.
* choose to obey rules
* speaks and act calmly when hurt or angry
* practice moderation in all things
* avoid alcohol, drugs, smoking and premarital sex
* do what is expected without being watched
* NEVER hit or strike someone when angry
COMPATIBILITY: capable of existing together in harmony
* have similar goals and dreams
* shared faith and values
* a genuine enjoyment of the other person--a good friend
* a desire to see the other person achieve his/her best in life
LOVE: a choice and daily decision; not based solely on feelings; to care for someone deeply even though one's feelings may not be reciprocated; unselfish love.
* want what is best for others
* daily commitment
* daily decision to love, even when you don't feel like it
* giving for the good of others
Welcome to the ‘Save your Marriage’ website.
I am not going to tell you that if you want to save your marriage it won’t be hard work but I will tell you that there are many people that have followed before you and succeeded so if you truly want to save your marriage the only thing that will prevent you from doing so is you.
Before you do anything else you need to first understand what the true root cause of your marriage problems is. If you don’t actually know what you are trying to solve it will be far more difficult for you to save your marriage.
Obviously such things as infidelity, abuse and other equally as unforgivable actions are easily identified and provide you with an immediate starting point from which you can move forward and perhaps save your marriage. However when the cause of your marriage problems is due to a culmination of less significant issues that have just built up over time, to such an extent that you have lost sight of where your problems started, understanding what you have to tackle in order to save your marriage will be that much more difficult.
If you want to get started and learn how to save your marriage first just take a little time to get back to and understand the root cause of your problems and I mean the real issues those that really matter. Not the petty little marriage problems that have been tacked on for good measure because you’ve reached the end of tether.
Who Dares does Win so take my advice, take a little time and put some effort into understanding what you need to tackle, if you know what you are dealing with it will be so much easier to save your marriage. Take my advice and do it now before you get to the point of no return and live to regret it.
The key to a happier marriage
By: Simon Jordan
Would you like to know how to have an amazing relationship with your partner? A lasting, loving, wonderful relationship? To maintain that spark, the fire and the passion for each other?
Then read on.
We all have 6 basic human needs. And these needs are:
1) To have certainty - to feel safe
2) To have uncertainty and also variety - to have change
3) Significance - to feel important to someone
4) Connection and Love
5) To have growth - If we aren't growing we are going backwards, or worse dieing
6) Finally to have contribution - to give back something.
The first four are the most important and must be met if a relationship is to survive.
In many relationships where a couple have children, I have found the woman gets all her needs met by her offspring. She will get unconditional love, significance, connection, certainty and variety as all parents know. No day is ever the same with children around. The mother may also get growth, as she has to adapt to the children's needs. And finally she will also get contribution as she is bringing them up. If we are talking about a typical family here. Normally when this happens the partner can sometimes lose the love of the woman or man. Or that they don't show it as much because he or she subconsciously feels they get all their needs met from the children. The husband feels shut out or pushed aside, so he starts to hold back love as well, and so the situation starts the downward spiral.
I have seen this happen in many, many of my clients. I am now going to tell you something that might seem alien or strange but listen up You and your partner come first. Children come second. Not the other way round. If you are both happy and strong together then the family unit is strong. Period! It is essential if not vital that you should look after each other first. I tell my clients that they need to imagine themselves as a jug of water and the children as beakers. The children need to be filled up by you, but if you are empty you have nothing to give. Fill you life up, look after yourself and your partner so you can both fill your children up and all become stronger, happier and a unit.
How do you find out how your partner gets their needs met. Simple, ask them! Ask your wife or husband. Find out how they feel certain. Is it from knowing that you will always be there? That you're reliable. That you work well as a team, or make the decisions together. How do you feel certainty?
Go through each human need and find out how you get them and how your partner feels they get them.
For love, is it when you are left little love notes, or is it when you are told how much you are loved, or by being touched? Find out what it is that makes you get your needs met and make sure you get them met. Check in with each other regularly.
Their will be times when you will subconsciously test each other to see if during a difficult time you can still rely on your partner to get your needs met. We all do it, as this is part of having certainty. If during an argument instead of slipping into an old habit and walking out which does not provide love, certainty or significance and if you always do it certainly won't be providing variety. Don't run out, stay in the room and ride out the argument together. Don't shut down, stay open and see what happens. You could amaze your partner, and become so much stronger.
Some people put certainty above love. What this means is they won't truly offer their heart to you until they feel certain. This will lead to all sorts of problems. If you hold the needs for love above certainty then you are willing to put yourself forward. When you do this you can get so much back from life. I believe in this life, if you give love you get love. No man is an island. It's true; we are all connected and by giving love to your partner, no matter what, they will give you so much back.
Find out what you both need to get your six human needs met from each other.
When you satisfy any two needs of a person, you have a connection.
When you satisfy four of the needs you create a bond
If you meet all six then they will never leave you.
So find out what you need to feel satisfied and what your partner needs. Check in with them regularly.
Here's to a loving future.
Enjoy each other.
[Article Source: http://www.positivearticles.com]
Learn how to build a long lasting passionate relationship with your partner and get your needs met too.
Simon Jordan is the internationally renowned coach and Founder of The Simon Jordan Foundation. For more information and a FREE health guide worth $50 to help you feel great, visit http://www.simonjordan.com
Relationship advice: how to save a marriage after you've cheated
One bad decision can strongly affect your marriage. Find out how to save and heal your relationship and build trust after you cheated.
No matter how long ago it was, when you walked down the aisle with your fiancee, you probably meant the vows you said. You probably never dreamed that you'd be here now, at this point in your life, with a crumbling marriage after having an affair.
You've said, "I'm sorry" to your husband or wife a hundred times, but those words alone can't restore the trust, the respect, and the fidelity in your marriage. So, what do you do now? How can you save your marriage and regain a relationship with your spouse?
The first thing that you need to work on is yourself. That doesn't mean that you should berate yourself. You've probably done that already. It's time for you to sort out your feelings. Ask yourself these questions:
Why did I feel the need to cheat on my spouse? Why do I still love my spouse? Why should he or she stay married to me? What can we do to change our marriage so that we can get the fidelity and the trust back?
After you have answered these questions in your own mind, then you'll need to sit down with your husband or wife to have a discussion with them. Don't just try to talk with them right after supper or while they are at work. Arrange a specific time and date for you two to sit down and have a quiet talk alone. If you have children, get a babysitter. If your schedules conflict with each other, then offer to rearrange your schedule. Since you were the one that cheated, you will need to be the one that reaches out. You'll also need to show your husband or wife that you're serious about saving your marriage.
Start out by telling your husband or wife why you still love them. This will help to reinforce your reason for wanting to work through this difficult time in your marriage. It will also make your spouse feel like there is something there, at least on your side, to rebuild your marriage on.
Then, tell your spouse why you feel the need to save your marriage. Having children makes some couples feel like they have to stay married, happy or not. Children do, of course, provide a link between a man and a woman, but they alone are no reason to stay married. Bring up happier times that the two of you shared. Also, remind him or her of other times that you two have endured stressful times together. This will help to reinforce the fact that this incident can be resolved, just like other issues were resolved.
When you make suggestions on how you and your spouse can change your marriage to get the fidelity and the trust back, expect him or her to become defensive. Because they feel hurt and betrayed, they probably want to place all of the blame on you. You'll need to be calm, patient, and loving.
And, when you talk to your mate, he or she will want to know, if they don't already, every detail of your extramarital affair. It's not that he or she is interested in hearing "dirty talk". Rather, a spouse that has been cheated on usually feels the need to know everything. As painful as it is to hear the details of your husband or wife cheating on you, you need to know. Afterall, there should be no secrets between the two of you if you want to regain a solid relationship.
Take heart as you're going through the process of trying to save your marriage. Right or wrong, you're not the only human being to ever have cheated. And, you won't be the first man or woman to ever stay married, even after you have committed adultery.
Save Your Marriage — Now
Gain Keys to Overcome Problems or Differences...
and Essential Tools to Sustain a Rewarding Partnership!
A great relationship is one of the finest things life can offer.
But lasting happiness seems hard to achieve. Sadly, too many relationships end up being weighted down by unresolved difficulties. Walls can build over time. Good feelings can seem to get lost.
All relationships run into rough spots. To have lasting satisfaction, you need to know how to keep love strong and to truly resolve problems, upsets or differences.
Couples who stay happy have the tools to keep love and good feelings alive — even through the tests of time.
They know how to work through relationship problems, and to do this in a way that doesn't take them downhill.
If you do not have the uplifting relationship you want — things can change — and you can do something about it.
You need the right tools to succeed. That's where I come in.
My name is John Grey. I have dedicated much of my professional life to helping people have successful, happy relationships.
I'd like to show you powerful tools to keep love, trust and happiness alive. Tools to resolve issues and stay on a positive track. These key tools are essential if you want a truly rewarding partnership.
For over 25 years I've given people practical, effective help to create great relationships. Over this time I've discovered what works — and what doesn't — to support lasting love.
There are Specific Key Tools to
Keep a Relationship Strong, Healthy and Happy
Yes, that's right. There are specific key tools to keep a relationship strong, healthy and happy.
These key tools can be learned.
I can offer simple tools that work. I will teach you strategies proven by hundreds of couples.
To stay together as a happy couple, we need to learn how to keep love strong, even through the difficult and challenging times. Otherwise, the feeling of being in love can get lost and a couple becomes stuck in unresolved problems.
"Powerful tools to expand your joy and happiness
in relating."
DR. JOHN GRAY
Men Are from Mars,
Women Are from Venus
I would like to show you effective ways to solve issues and continue to build positive respect, trust, understanding, and good feelings.
You can have a happy and rewarding relationship. Even if you are suffering from problems, you can strengthen your love — if you know the right tools.
Are you now doing the things to make your relationship better?
If not, you need to learn to do something different. If you keep doing the same old things, you will keep getting the same old results!
To get new results, you need to do something new.
You Can Make an Immediate,
Positive Difference in Your Relationship.
No matter how troubled your relationship is — you can change things. The only question is how?
To make a significant, positive change you need to know exactly what to do.
This is where I can offer you guidance. I will give you powerful and practical tools to solve relationship problems and build a truly rewarding partnership.
Take action now and take advantage of this help. Gain the best relationship tools available today. That's not just my opinion. Here's what leading experts, couples therapists and coaches say:
To read on click on title
Stop Your Divorce And Save Your Marriage
By John J. Foley
You hear this over and over,'how do I save my marriage'. Well you can stop your divorce and save your marriage, all that matters is whether or not YOU REALLY WANT TO save your marriage and your relationship. Sometimes when you are experiencing a lot of marital problems and issues, divorce becomes an option without realizing that you really can stop your divorce and save your marriage.
Most marriages start to fail when you stop listening to each other. Open communication is very important to stopping your divorce and saving your marriage. Marriage has its ups and downs and sometimes you get confused on how to make things work. Jobs, kids and other responsibilities also make it hard to focus on each other and sometimes marriage becomes a routine instead of a happy, healthy and loving relationship, and so you find your spouse and yourself are maybe facing a potential divorce situation, but you truly love your spouse and want to save your marriage.
Nobody enters a marriage with divorce on their minds for the future, but it is still happening at an alarmingly high rate. The divorce rate is 50% for first time marriages, but it's a whopping 60% for second time marriages. There are a lot of couples who give up on their marriage unnecessarily, not knowing what to do and they think ending the marriage is the best solution. Sometimes when you are experiencing a lot of marital problems and issues, divorce becomes an option without realizing that you can stop your divorce and save your marriage.
Some people choose to have a counselor or therapist help them save their marriage, and this is definitly a viable avenue to seek out , but some so-called marriage therapists sometimes tend to confuse the issues, pitting one person against the other and a lot of times things just some how, do not get resolved. So you might want to give this some great thought before you pay some therapist $60 to $150 or more to make your marriage worse. Many couples give up their marriage and go through so much pain because they do not know how to deal with their marital problems. But these easy steps will help you save your marriage, and will show you how to save your marriage with "Stop Your Divorce And Save Your Marriage, a must read!
Here is just SOME of the marriage saving action-advice you will find inside "Stop Your Divorce And Save Your Marriage":
(Pages 8-9)Little known facts you may not have considered involving the economics of divorce (including the true financial cost of ending your marriage). (Page 16)Why negative thinking may be the real culprit behind your failing marriage. (Page 20)7 simple pleasures of marriage you may have forgotten about. (Page 21)The unspoken, unwritten 2nd contract of marriage that successful couples abide by. (Page 22)The secret to a successful marriage through partnership. (Page 23)The difference between the sexes and how to use it to help (not hurt) your marriage. (Pages 31-32)A new way for looking at money and finances (that might save your marriage). (Pages 33-34)How to recognize turning points in your marriage and stop last chances from becoming lost chances. (Pages 35-36)5 fundamentals that every marriage expert or counselor agrees is crucial to your relationships happiness. (Pages 37-38)What friendship means inside a marriage (and how to find it).
Basically it really comes down to this,...if you really want to stop your divorce and save your marriage, you will eventually come to the realization and learn to accept that you and your spouse are not perfect and have to love each other unconditionally,
When you click the link below now, you can stop your divorce and save your relationship before it's too late. With one in three marriages breaking up every year and the resulting effect it has on you and your family, you should at least give yourself and your marriage every opportunity to succeed. Do you want to put an end to the stress and anxiety of not knowing what to do to save your troubled marriage, then take action now and check out this report today. If this book does not help you save your marriage, or you are not happy with it for any reason, you will get a full refund guaranteed.
Article Written By J. Foley
If your seeking more info on this particular topic, Checkout This Informative Book Here! John Foley has a site on "Love & Relationships" and you can access "ATTRACT LOVE" here.
The Importance of Self-Esteem in Relationships
By Christina Claudia Constanze Zottnick
When it comes to entering and maintaining a successful relationship, people often times do not realize that resulting problems and conflicts in the majority of cases are not actually "between the two", but merely a reflection of their own personal issues.
A happy and stable person with high self-esteem will generally perceive any given situation much different than a person who is rather insecure and doubting himself.
No matter if it is emotional baggage of the past, traumatic (childhood) experiences, bad role models etc etc, the important thing is to become aware of negative communication patterns and then work on improving them.
Projection and manipulation are often times used as unhealthy means to "defend" and strengthen one's position.
This unfair attitude makes sound communication between partners very difficult as it creates uncomfortable feelings for those involved.
An open dialogue where both parties express themselves freely while feeling equally respected seems impossible at this point.
Therefore, a confident and positive person is much more pleasant to deal with; simply because he plays it fair and allows others to be themselves, too.
Creating a relaxed and positive atmosphere around them, he/she will be perceived as a strong, friendly and independent person making communication easy.
Of course, this is not only true within relationships, but in any area of life where people interact.
Therefore, it is vital for any healthy relationship to know how to increase self-confidence, get rid of emotional baggage and develop new and healthy ways of communication.
For quick and effective ways to boost your self-esteem and further dating and relationship advice, go to:
http://lovesurvivor.blogspot.comLove Survivor, a comprehensive dating and relationship guide providing news, tips, useful links & a variety of articles on the subject of love and romance.
How to Enhance and Enrich Your Marriage
By Garrett Coan
Barriers to Communication
These are a few of the things that prevent people from communicating effectively:
• Not knowing how to communicate properly
• Not taking the time to think through what you want to say
• Not taking the time to anticipate what your partner might be thinking and feeling
• Fear of revealing too much of yourself
• Fear of your partner’s anger
• Not wanting to hurt your partner’s feelings Empathy and Acceptance
People marry because they want to spend the rest of their lives with their partner. They have every hope of growing together and creating a relationship that makes them feel emotionally healthy. Two factors that are necessary for this to happen are empathy and acceptance on the part of both partners.
Empathy is the capacity to put oneself in another’s shoes and understand how they view their reality, how they feel about things.
Demonstrating empathy and acceptance is critical to maintaining a strong relationship. Let’s look next at some communication skills that enable you to create a climate of empathy, acceptance, and understanding. First we will explore a skill called Active Listening.
Active Listening
Active listening is a way of communicating that creates the important climate of empathy, acceptance, and understanding.
• It is a two-step response to a statement made by your partner.
• It includes reflecting back what emotion you detected in the statement, and the reason for the emotion. This is what active listening sounds like: “Sounds like you’re upset about what happened at work.”
“You’re very annoyed by my lateness, aren’t you?”
Why Active Listening Is a Valuable Skill
Active listening is a valuable skill because it demonstrates that you understand what your partner is saying and how he or she is feeling about it.
• Active listening means restating, in your own words, what the other person has said.
• It’s a check on whether your understanding is correct.
• It demonstrates that you are listening and that you are interested and concerned.
Actively listening does not mean agreeing with the other person. The point is to demonstrate to your partner that you intend to hear and understand his or her point of view. This is good for your relationship for several reasons:
• When someone demonstrates that they want to understand what you are thinking and feeling, it feels good.
• It creates good feelings about the other person.
• Restating and checking understanding promotes better communication and fewer misunderstandings.
More Active Listening Examples
Here are some more examples of active listening:
“You sound really stumped about how to solve this problem.”
“It makes you angry when you find errors on Joey’s homework.”
“Sounds like you’re really worried about Wendy.”
“I get the feeling you’re awfully busy right now.”
More Communication Skills
Although our space is limited in this short newsletter, there are a few more communication skills that I must mention. These include asking open-ended questions, making summary statements to check understanding, and encouraging your partner to open up and elaborate by using neutral questions and phrases.
Open-ended questions begin with what, why, how do, or tell me.
• These questions get the other person to open up and elaborate on the topic.
• Asking these kinds of questions gets the other person involved by giving him or her a chance to tell what he or she thinks or knows.
• These questions are designed to encourage your partner to talk.
• They are useful when the other person is silent or reluctant to elaborate.
• They are also useful in dealing with negative emotions (such as anger or fear), since they help encourage the other person to vent feelings.
Summary Statements
Summary statements sum up what you hear your partner saying.
• A summary statement enhances your partner’s self-esteem by showing that you were listening carefully.
• It also helps you focus on facts, not emotions.
• It helps your partner clarify his or her own thinking by hearing your summary.
• Summary statements also help you deal with multiple disagreements so you can deal with them one by one.
• They help eliminate confusion by focusing on the relevant facts.
• Summary statements also help you separate the important issues from the trivial.
Neutral Questions and Phrases
Neutral questions and phrases get your partner to open up and elaborate on the topic you are discussing.
• These questions are more focused than open-ended questions.
• They help your partner understand what you are interested in hearing more about.
• They further communication because they help you gain more information.
• When you ask these kinds of questions, you demonstrate to your partner that you are interested and that you are listening.
Business Skills for Marriages
You might be surprised to hear that the same skills that help people succeed in business can also be used to build a better marriage. Like any business, a marriage is a partnership of people. Many of the skills that make businesses run successfully—planning, organizing, and setting goals—also can be applied to running your marriage successfully. These are some of the skills that will strengthen any marriage:
1. Create an overall vision of what you want your life to be like; consider all life areas.
2. Develop a long-range strategy.
3. Set short-term and long-term goals.
4. Plan the steps that will help you accomplish your goals.
5. Organize projects.
6. Manage projects.
7. Manage people.
8. Evaluate progress and results at regular intervals.
9. Revise goals as needed.
How to Create a Happy Marriage
From Sheri & Bob Stritof,
Your Guide to Marriage.
FREE Newsletter. Sign Up Now!
Don't Depend on Marriage to Make You Happy
One of the myths about marriage is that marriage will make you happy. That's not true.
A Happy Marriage Comes From Within
Your happiness both as an individual and as a married partner must come from within yourself.
Being married can add to your happiness, but it is not and can not be the primary source of your happiness. Here are strategies to help you create a happier you and a happy marriage.
A Few Strategies for Creating a Happier You and a Happy Marriage
We are not saying that you can create a happy marriage when there is infidelity, abuse, lying, etc. A dysfunctional marriage can make you unhappy.
If you are in an unhappy marriage, please seek professional counseling so you can make an informed and rational decision as to whether or not your marriage is worth saving.
Couples therapist and author John W. Jacobs, M.D., has found a pattern in the people he counsels: Their expectations of marriage are often so unrealistic that even the strongest of relationships doesn't stand a chance. In this excerpt from his book All You Need Is Love and Other Lies about Marriage, he explains what he calls "The Seven Lies of Marriage":
LIE #1: All you need is love.
The reality is that marital bliss is a myth. Unconditional love, necessary for babies and small children, doesn't--and shouldn't--exist between marital partners. We live in a culture that stresses a preoccupation with personal happiness above all. As long as we raise our children, especially girls, to believe that marriage is the solution to life's problems and essential for personal happiness, we will continue to have many couples marrying with little appreciation for the true difficulties and complexities of married life.
Couples come to my office deeply shocked: "We love each other so much. Why are we so unhappy?" Myths that suggest that romantic love is sufficient to create marital bliss leave people unskilled in developing and unprepared to manage sustained intimate relationships. As wonderful as love is, love doesn't conquer all, and alone it certainly won't prevent or solve your marital problems. For that, you need to understand the nature of marriage, learn specific skills and accept that regularly applying these skills requires diligence and hard work.
please click on title to read on.
How To Save Your Marriage
by: Kaveh Nayeri, MS
Getting married (or beginning an intimate relationship) is, in a way, like starting a business you’ve always wanted to own or a university program you’ve always wanted to enter.
It may be relatively easy to begin but it is almost guaranteed to be very challenging to stay with it for the long-term and make it a success.
Which one do you think is harder? Being successful in your marriage? In your education? Or in your career?
They are all challenging to achieve for most of us. Yet they are also goals that most of us pursue or dream about. Not everybody wants to get married but most adults want to have some form of love relationship that feels good and is right for them. And the topics in this article apply to all intimate and significant relationships, not just marriages.
Indeed the drive to form and maintain a successful love relationship seems to be consistently strong in most adults. And I have observed this repeatedly in my work as individual and couples therapist.
At the same time our 50 % + divorce rate clearly communicates the message that making our love relationship last and flourish is difficult.
If we add to the high occurrences of divorce, the numerous unhappy marriages out there in which the partners feel hopelessly stuck my point becomes even more clear.
In my work as a mental health clinician I have seen marital and relationship discord often. And as a husband in an 11-year marriage I have felt the severe pains of marital crisis.
Along the way I have formed some wisdom on ways to understand, preserve, and improve your marriage. I teach these in a workshop called “All About Love” and will present them in this article. Also you can log onto my website at www.loveyoursoul.com for additional information.
Please keep in mind that most of the advice I am providing below apply and are suggested to both you and your partner even if I do not always mention him or her. However in the event that your significant other is not willing to follow this advice, I suggest that you do them on your own and invite your partner to join you as soon as possible.
1. EXPECT RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS
All or most marriages run into small and large problems eventually. Some marital problems can be anticipated and avoided. Others cannot be foreseen and must be faced, worked through, and resolved by both partners.
Marital crisis is often very painful to go through. But that does not mean that the marriage should be ended.
Conflicts are often tests of the strength of the love relationship. These are tests that both partners must take and pass before the marriage can graduate to a higher level of mutual satisfaction.
Your marital problem should tell you that there are some things that you have not understood about your partner and vice versa. You may also have lost hope for the relationship and neglected each other’s needs.
There is work to be done by each of you. It will probably be hard work but it is also required work to help resolve your marital conflict and for each of you to grow personally.
2. OBTAIN OUTSIDE HELP
The pain and complexity of marital crisis often handicap the couples’ ability to resolve the problem on their own. It is important that you start receiving couples counseling soon after the crisis begins because the longer you wait the more difficult it will be to save the marriage.
You should treat the crisis as a relationship emergency and act right away to get all the help you need.
It is important that you find a therapist who has the experience, knowledge, and motivation to treat marital problems. Also you and your partner should collaborate in order to choose a therapist who seems right for treating your marriage.
Also there are many organizations that provide relationship services. You can locate them through the internet, the phone book, your church, etc. I like the services advertised on the websites: imagorelationships.com and embracemarriage.com.
In addition you can request help from mature friends or relatives that you trust. Their help can be valuable and may include sharing their own experiences with marital problems, listening to you, or offering other support.
3. UNDERSTAND YOUR PARTNER
You must work hard to understand and change what is bothering your partner in the relationship. Chances are that even though your partner loves you there are significant and persistent problems he or she sees in you. And your partner may have lost hope for the relationship because of them.
You need to better understand your partner’s perception of these problems. It may be that your partner has a lot of dislike or fear for a certain problem. This fear was probably developed before you knew each other.
The persistence of these problems in you can be severely disappointing your partner even if they do not seem to be major issues to you.
For example your partner may have a large need for your time and affection because he/she was severely deprived of this in childhood and past relationships.
Your partner could be feeling hurt and disappointed in the relationship because this need has been misunderstood or neglected. The solution in this case would be for you (and your spouse) to become aware of the high importance of regular affection for him/her and to make sure the marriage takes care of this need.
If you identify these types of problems and work hard to resolve them, your loved one is likely to feel better about the relationship.
As usual this works both ways and you can ask your partner to do the same for you.
5. TOLERATE THE EMOTIONAL PAIN
Marital crises often involve severe emotional pain for both partners. You or your spouse may feel very depressed, angry, terrified, confused, hopeless, etc.
Many people end their marriages because they do not want to tolerate these pains or because they believe that the marital problems will never go away.
But the old saying: “No Pain, No Gain” often holds true for marriages and most marital problems can be solved if both partners are willing to put in the necessary work.
Counseling, spiritual practice, and if needed, medication can help relieve some of your emotional pain. But often much of the pain brought on by marital crisis must be tolerated until the marital wounds are healed.
You and your partner need to understand and accept that you are wounded emotionally and that the healing process may be slow and gradual.
Not all marriages or relationships deserve to be saved. And not all emotional pain associated with a relationship should be tolerated to preserve it.
Extreme situations for example when one partner is regularly physically abusing the other and is refusing to seek professional help may require divorce or a break-up to solve the problem.
But emotional injury caused by typical marital conflicts can often be treated and healed. However this process typically involves emotional pain and your ability to tolerate and live with this pain is a valuable skill.
I often tell my clients “Happiness is on the other side of the pain”.
In order to better understand and save your marriage you must work your way through and past the body of emotional pain that is blocking your way to marital happiness.
And if you do this work successfully your marriage will arrive at a new, higher grounds, where you can both feel free of pain and full of relationship joy, love, and appreciation of the meaning of marriage.
Stop Your Divorce Save Your Marriage
By Andrew Zhihao Lim
Many men and women from all over the globe give up on their marriages every year because they don't know where to start, every little dispute can easily escalate into divorce for them. They pass all responsibility to salvage their marriage to their partner or a counselor and end up disappointed with the result. It doesn't have to end that way, what if i told you that all along you had the power to change your failing marriage, would you do it? You decide on how much you want your marriage to work out.
Marital advice alone cannot salvage your marriage if you and your spouse are not willing to communicated properly together. Communication is crucial in a relationship as it inform each other of their want , their needs and how they are feeling. Remember, communication is more then just talking to each other. Its a skill and technique that has to be learned and practised in order to apply it effectively. You cannot expect your partner to understand how you are feeling you if you are not effective in getting your message across.
With the pressures of every day life you can find yourself and your partner actually spending less time alone together. As this trend continue both of you will slowing drift apart and lose touch with each other. Hence its extremely important to put aside quality time for each other. You can use this time to concentrate alone on each other needs, not just discuss your jobs. Use this time to relax and enjoy each other company, relieve exciting moments when your were dating as this will help bring back fond memories when both of you were happily together.
Lastly self-help, as I mentioned in the beginning you have the power to change every aspect of your life and change how you want things to work out, its essential you hold on strongly to that belief as its extremely important. This is the determining factor on how your relationship will work out. There are online programs available that will help you in finding ways to go about tackling your marraige problem, but you must be willing to give yourself that chance. These programs will go into great detailed on what makes a successful marriage and how you too can stop your divorce and save your marriage if you are willing to work at it. However you must be determine to work it out and be prepared for any obstacles that you might face along the way.
Visit my report now to take a look at the program and save your marriage today.
What Is It To You to have your life dramatically improved.Can you even put a value to that? The Fact Is No Money Can Buy You That!
What Is It To You a consistent and blissful marriage for the rest of your life? Again, No Money Can Buy You That!
Imagine Creating A Dream Marriage You Always Wanted, where you both understand and love each other, communicate openly and genuinely with each other and commit to learning and growing in love together every day of your lives. How does that sound?
Personally, I value the above criteria then having a lot money which cannot save your marriage and happiness.
People make decision in life for 2 reason...
To avoid Pain...
Or To Gain Pleasure...
Period...
Saving Your Marriage After Infidelity
When someone has an affair, it creates a division in your relationship. Your marriage is now divided into the time before and the time after the affair. You might idealize the time before the affair as a wonderful part of your marriage. You might remember it as a time in which you trusted your spouse, you loved each other, and your relationship was good, even if these things were not true. The time after the affair, on the other hand, is now tainted. There has been a huge breach of trust and you are living the aftermath of that.
To give your relationship the best chance of survival, you need to consciously and actively do things to redefine your marriage. You cannot simply go back to where you were because you have crossed over a line. Don't fall back into the exact same patterns you had before. What you need to do is start over.
Rebuilding Trust
The hardest thing you will need to do is rebuild trust in your relationship. Whoever was unfaithful, you or your spouse, did major damage to the trust in your marriage. You can start to rebuild trust in your relationship by starting small and being consistent. Always be on time, do what you say you will do, and be honest. There will probably be many setbacks along the way, but keep being trustworthy. It will pay off eventually.
If you cheated on your spouse, it will take time to rebuild the trust that the two of you had. Make sure you do the following regularly and consistently:
Think Twice
Don't lie to your spouse, even about small things. If you find yourself starting to exaggerate or tell an outright lie, ask yourself why you are doing it. Are you generally an untrustworthy person? Are you afraid of how your spouse will react to the truth? Is it a bad habit? Answer honestly, and work on it.
Never lie to your spouse.
Communicate clearly at all times.
Accept the fact that your spouse wants to know your schedule in great detail.
Talk with your spouse every day from work or if one of you is out of town.
Always be on time.
Take the time to reassure your spouse if he or she feels insecure.
Remember to do one nice thing each day for your spouse.
Show your spouse affection on a regular basis.
Do one fun activity every week alone with your spouse.
Be especially patient with your spouse.
Get Help
Soul Mates
Making the decision to go to therapy and actually going is a big first step to repairing your marriage. When you go to couples therapy with your spouse, you are doing something together to work on your relationship.
We believe some situations make it mandatory to get outside help, and the crisis of infidelity is one of them. It would be very unusual for a couple to get past infidelity without the assistance of a trained therapist. A therapist is a neutral third party who will help you understand what went wrong in your relationship. Instead of allowing your discussions to dissolve into yelling and screaming sessions, a therapist will constructively focus you toward solving the problems in your relationship.
7 Innovative Ways to Save Your Marriage
There are always several different ways to save your marriage. Are you in a tough spot in your marriage right now? Every relationship has its problems and its rough patches, but that doesn’t mean that you need to give up when the going gets tough. For many couples, they can actually work through their problems to create a stronger relationship. Sometimes the hard times are actually learning lessons in disguise. Here are just a few ways to save your marriage for getting started on the right foot.
Listen
There’s nothing more damaging to a relationship than a partner that doesn’t take the time to listen. In fact, that fact alone might be the thing that has led to the feelings of dissatisfaction with a marriage. In order to be a good partner (on either end), you need to be able to remain quiet and talk through problems until both partners are satisfied. Be quiet when they are speaking and try to really listen to what they are saying.
Understand
But listening only goes so far when you’re trying to work out problems in you relationship. If you do not really understand where they are coming from, you might be creating more problems. When they are expressing themselves, you want to ask questions when appropriate in order to clarify what they are saying to you. Even if it seems uncomfortable at first, it’s important that you make sure that you understand where they are at and how you might be able to help.
A positive attitude
Why start off a rough patch by thinking that it will never get any better no matter what you do? When you’re trying to work through problems and issues, you will want to make sure that you’re going into it with a positive attitude. You don’t need to be sugary sweet, but you should start to look at your troubles as learning lessons rather than the doom of the relationship. Try to think about happier times when you start to become negative in order to turn your thinking around.
Be present
When a partner isn’t fully in the moment of trying to fix a relationship, the work becomes a one-sided affair. You need to be able to fully be there for your partner when you need to work through tough times. This might mean that you need to take a few days off work or devote certain times to discussing ways to fix your relationship. These times should be uninterrupted by work obligations or time commitments so that neither person feels rushed or distracted.
Stay calm
While you might be upset about the way that things have turned out, you need to remember that being calm is the best way to see things more clearly. Try lowering your voice when you talk – it automatically lowers your blood pressure and your anger. Try to take a few deep breaths before you say anything – this will help you to be clear and calm as you speak. Many people perceive becoming flustered or upset as being angry, and that can lead to a poor environment for working through issues.
Make plans
One of the best ways to help save your marriage is to start creating long term plans with your partner. While this might not seem like the best idea at the time, it will create the idea that you are both going to make it through the rough patch that you have stumbled upon – somehow. Try to make plans for vacations or other far in the future appointments. This will create a little less pressure because the future isn’t so vague and unable to be seen in the dark that you are experiencing at the time.
Take time away
While you don’t have to become legally separated to do this, taking time away from each other is one of the best ways to stop a marriage from becoming a divorced marriage. When you take time away from each other, you allow yourself to have a new perspective on the events that are happening. And this can allow you to see new solutions as well as new ideas for how to handle the problems that you may be having. Even if it’s just a night or a few hours, taking time to step back from an issue can help it become easier to resolve.
Your marriage isn’t failed until you’ve tried everything to save it. Truth is, You can save your relationship and soften the hardest of hearts of your lover! This system by Cucan Pemo, a best selling author and author of several books, could work over and over again for the broken hearts. There are no mumbo jumbo, no complicated techniques. Just simple instructions that product RESULTS - sometimes within hours, to help you save your relationship or marriage. Within minutes, you could see the beginning of the end of your most difficult relationship problem! Click here for more innovative ways to save your marriage!
Are you experiencing relationship difficulties?
Are you experiencing relationship difficulties? Have you reached a point in your marriage that seems like all is lost? Are you afraid that there is no hope left for your relationship? You’re not alone; in fact many couples experience difficulties in their relationships for a variety of reasons. Yet, no matter what the reason for the difficulties in your marriage, there is hope and such problems can be overcome!
The first step in saving a marriage that is in danger of falling apart is to determine whether or not both partners within the marriage possess a mutual desire to save the marriage. If one partner wants to maintain and work on the marriage while another partner elects not do, all of the work and effort that is put into making the relationship work will ultimately come to naught. Thus, a mutual desire on behalf of both partners to remain in the relationship must exist.
The second step in repairing the damage in any relationship is to determine the cause of the problem in the first place. Sometimes the problem is screamingly clear like when one or both partners engage in extramarital affairs, while other times the reason for problems may not appear so obvious; perhaps you are experiencing a sense of alienation from your spouse because you no longer spend time together the way you used to when you first met. Thus, in clearly defining the problem, it will become easier to focus on possible solutions and to repair your marriage.
Once you have defined the problem, it comes time to look at possible solutions. Further, the seriousness of the existing problem in your marriage will directly parallel the amount of effort it will take to save your marriage. For example, in the case of a slowly distancing relationship, couples can slowly work on rebuilding the intimacy shared in the relationship while in the case of an extramarital affair it may take a significant amount of time to overcome the sense of betrayal each of the partners may feel.
Changing the way you think about your current relationship with your spouse can make a tremendous difference in your relationship. For instance, instead of dwelling on the current problems that may exist within your marriage: why not reflect on how your relationship was before all your problems began? Think about what it was like when you and your partner first met and you fell in love with one another. Do you remember how being in love made you feel? Do you remember being willing to go above and beyond what was necessary to please and satisfy your partner? Once you recall the niceties that you used to implement in your relationship, you can once again employ such behaviors and in doing so, you can begin to repair your marriage.
Finally, a positive attitude is imperative if you desire to save your marriage. Thus, if you truly want to rescue your relationship and save it from falling completely apart or resulting in divorce, you will have to be willing to let go of any feelings of resentment or bitterness you feel toward your partner. Such a task may not be easy, especially if your partner has had an affair; nevertheless, by not letting go of the resentment you may presently feel, you are already setting your relationship up to fail. Therefore, in a sincere effort to save your marriage, be sure to set aside any negative emotions you may have and focus on being positive by looking to the future and the potential of renewal that your relationship holds.
