How to Have a Happy Marriage
Marriage Helpers
By SincerityAnna, published Apr 27, 2006
A happy, healthy and successful marriage does not create itself. The marriage must consist of two people who are willing to put forth the effort into keeping their marriage happy, healthy and successful.
Communication is one of the best ways to keep your marriage alive and strong. When something your spouse does bothers you tell them about it. Explain how you feel. Staying calm and rational, and communication will get you a lot farther than keeping it all inside or yelling and screaming. Couples need not only communicate when issues arise however.
Communication is a key element of a happy marriage all the time. Communicate about how your day was. Communicate the fact that you love your spouse. Communicate your thoughts and feelings. Have conversations. Talk to eachother like you are best friends.
Trust is another key element in a happy and successful marriage. When trust is not present the future of the marriage appears dim. Trust is something that needs to be maintained. If your partners has had no reason not to trust you, and you have had no reason not to trust them then that trust is being maintained. Once one partner gives the other a reason to not trust them then trust issues arise. These issues can be worked through with communication and honesty. Remember, trust can be relearned, and re-earned.
Honesty is another very important marriage staple. Always be honest with your spouse. Lies only create trouble. A lie is like a snowball. It starts out as just one little white lie but then soon rolls over itself again and again until it is a whole ball full of lies all based on that one initial lie. This is definitely something you want to avoid. Honesty is always the best policy, regardless.
Compromise is also very important. No two people will always agree on the same things, just as no two people will each always get their way all of the time. When you want it one way and your spouse wants it another it is time to compromise. Why does your spouse want what they want, and why do you want what you want?
Click on title to read on
Labels: marriage-success
What is the secret for a happy marriage
American scientists believe they've found a mathematical formula for the perfect marriage.
Scientists at the "Love Lab" or the Relationship Research Institute in Seattle, Washington claim their predictions have 94% accuracy.
The formula was developed using data collected from a mountain of videotaped conversations between couples. Physiological data, such as pulse rates, also was collected and analysed.
What is your formula for lasting love? How do you keep the romance alive?
This debate is now closed. Read a selection of your comments below.
Whether you call it love, friendship, companionship, etc, it has one thing in common; trust and loyalty. Without this Love/Marriage would not last.
Arif Sayed, Dubai, UAE
Intimacy. There has to be something you have with your partner that you don't share with anybody else. Emotional closeness and physical closeness. A good sex life is so important. It's fun. It makes you close. It makes you know and explore the other person. It makes you closer. Of course love, respect, committment, honesty etc have to be there. But so does sex!
NL, Herts UK
True love is a chemistry thing
Dave, London
True love is a chemistry thing. Two people can generally get along but the awesome intensity of real love is almost overwhelming. Everyone looks for it but very few find it. The very best sex is had when the two people are emotionally bonded.
Dave, London
ALWAYS have the last word in an argument - "sorry dear"!!
Andrew, Sutton, Surrey
I wish I knew the secret 40 years ago.
Hiroshi Arashi, Gold Run, USA
My marriage is a happy one, but if only my Mrs would not get moody and sensitive about a hundred different things in a day, it would be happier.
Ashok D'Souza, England
Guys can always save themselves a lot of time by simply finding a woman they don't like and buying her a house!
Don Hunter, Ayr, Scotland
The Secret for happy marriage will always be a Secret.
Syed Ahmed, Bangalore & India
No in-law interference.
Netar, England, London
I think, the secret for successful marriage is responsibility. Especially if there are children involved.
Samir, Manchester
Marriage success revolves around communication, complete admiration and involvement in each other. There needs to be a constant appreciation of each other and a togetherness. Most of all. FUN, KISSES and CUDDLES!
Barry Polatajko, Motherwell, Scotland
My grandmother died today, leaving behind her husband of 62 years. I don't know what their secret was, but all I can say is that they were hardly romantic - bickering was more common place! But I think marriages were built to last back then. How many people who marry tomorrow will be married in 62 years time, I wonder.
Tony, UK
No kids and a dish washer!
Jan, England
Love is too complex, boundless, and indefinable to be explained by everyday mathematics. Why would we want to confine such an amazing thing to a simple answer? Love exists beyond formula.
Lindsey, Las Vegas, NV
You should want each other more than you need each other.
Ben, Southampton, UK
Real love is the commitment to putting the other person first even when you may not feel like doing so
Julie, USA
Saying that love doesn't require work is extremely naive. For some people, the effort required to sustain a long term relationship comes easily. For others, it does not. However, there is "work" that is required. Real love is the commitment to putting the other person first even when you may not feel like doing so.
Julie, USA
From my humble opinion, relationship is a lot of nice words said between two people but very rarely one holds to what said. Can we blame it to our nature being human? Today in this world, love is so selfish when it should be selfless.
INdran, Kent and Uxbridge, UK
Let's all get our Math skills sharpened up. Maybe the divorce rate will come down not to mentioned better math capabilities for everyone.
Chandru , California, USA
First, you need to pick the right partner. Next, it's about devoting 100% of yourself to making your partner happy. If you both do that, then you both receive 100% devotion, and you will adore your partner for it.
Rosanna, UK
Gazing into her eyes with love will make you both forget what you're arguing about, who left the iron on, who lost the keys, and who needs to take out the trash. Of course after you two stop staring at each other, the iron will still be on, the keys will still be missing and the trash will still be sitting in the kitchen! But those deep moments, as short as they may be are priceless.
Saroosh Ahmed, Bensenville, USA
I do not believe in the notion that there is one perfect person for each of us. This notion has caused many problems for many individuals. I believe that through the course of our lives we come across a number of people with whom we could have a successful marriage. Timing is certainly a key issue but success in marriage can be determined by the amount of love, respect, commitment and intimacy shared by the couple.
SBR, USA
An absolute vital ingredient for a happy marriage, any happy relation is a compatible sense of humour. Nothing brings and keeps you closer together than sharing a laugh (PS: just had my 10th wedding anniversary)
Corinna, Berlin, Germany
I would love to know this formula for husband number six
Gemma, UK
I have been married for 35 years in total; however it has been to five different men. Every time I meet someone I think it is for life, I want to spend every waking minute with them. I don't believe for a second that there is a formula for a perfect marriage. I know how to make a man happy, but they don't appreciate it. I know it's not me - it's always them who can't handle my undying devotion. I am going through my fifth divorce at the moment so I would love to know this formula for husband number six.
Gemma, UK
It's down to the 4 Ls: Love, laughter, lust and luck!
Adam, London
Have been married for nine years. Never go to bed angry with each other. Learn that sometimes you need to lose the argument and put your partner's needs first. Being concerned for the other persons feelings is important but do not let them take advantage
JG, Grayswood, UK
It's simple. Buy her a mirror so she can see whose boss and plenty of shoes to walk all over you - then have a good laugh about it at your own expense!
Howard, Ellington, Northumberland
Reducing the ease with which divorces can be obtained, and the way in which the process is managed. It is too easy to get them and for the women to fund a lifestyle from the proceeds. This is happening. Its happened to three blokes I know and has caused two of them immense despair.
Max Richards, England
Men - put the seat down.
Women - have a separate room for shoes and handbags.
Phil C, Sheffield, UK
Diamonds.
Wendy, UK
Funny how no one has mentioned sex.
Carlos, Epsom
Our marriage blossomed when I came to terms with the fact that I was to blame for everything that went wrong.
Alasdair, aboard a Drillship in the Gulf of Mexico.
It's quite simple, really. For husbands: when asked "Does this make me look fat?" Say "No." When asked for an opinion on a subject that doesn't interest you, like "shall we paint the wall white, off-white, ercu, or eggshell?" take a firm position and then cave-in instantly in the face of the slightest resistance. Do not, under any such circumstances, use the phrase "Oh, I don't care." (This rule applies to wedding planning as well.) And, most importantly, say "I love you!" early and often.
Tom, Denver, Colorado, USA
The first secret is to avoid American scientist formulas
Philip Heller, USA
The first secret is to avoid American scientist formulas. Also don't expect everything to be perfect - respect each other - leave time for friends - and of course give in to the fact that the wife is the boss in the house regardless of what you've been told.
Philip Heller, USA
The secret for a happy marriage is finding a wife who is not materialistic and listens as well as speaks during an argument. If you can find either of these you are doing better then most, both and you are made.
Alan Davis, London, England
A man I once worked with once said to me that the secret to a good marriage was a good constructive argument that clears the air. He went on to tell me that if you don't argue there surely must be a dominant partner and that can't be good. I think the morale of his story was that a good marriage consists of give and take. I agree and will apply this to my four month marriage plus I also love my husband more than ever and that certainly counts for something.
Sue, Northumberland
I'd say it was all to do with respect - seeing their point of view as valid even when you disagree, being polite to each other instead of being brusque or demeaning, being considerate to their feelings when you act or decide. I think if you have respect for both their feelings and intelligence, you're less likely to hurt them, argue with them, or stop confiding in them.
Sally, Scotland
To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you are wrong admit it, whenever you are right shut up.
Jen, UK
Being able to deal with problems is the key - and most importantly realise people are going to change as they get older. Nobody married for more than two years can look at their partner and say that they haven't changed somehow.
Trev, London, UK
Lessons learned from my seven year (failed) marriage. Make sure you're friends 1st, don't try to change the other person, grow together, and for God's sake, remember to put the toilet seat down!
Dan, Colorado, US
Don't lust after her sister, best friend or her mother?!
Stuart Hadley, Birmingham, UK
The secret for a long lasting relationship? Don't lust after her sister, best friend or her mother?! Failure to adhere to this simple guideline may also result in the relationship with certain key parts of your anatomy also being cut short (wince..)
Stuart Hadley, Birmingham, UK
Be there for each other even if you can only get together at certain time in the evening and make one evening just to be with each other. We have been married for three years now and we are both busy and professional people but we love each other so much without being mushy.
FAB, Farnham UK
If you want a relationship that lasts... get a dog.
Martin, England
To Martin, England: Does your dog do the ironing? If so, where can I get one?
Andy, Edinburgh, Scotland
To Andy, Edinburgh: I managed to get my dog to iron, it's the sex I can't get used to!
Richard, Fareham
A mentor once advised: "Devote yourself to making your partner happy, never prioritising yourself. If you can find someone who loves you enough to do the same for you, then how can the two of you possibly part ways?"
Michael, Tokyo, Japan
Trust and compromise
Stephen, Cayman Islands
Timing is crucial. With all the will in the world and however perfectly matched you may seem to be we are all the victims of circumstance to a point. For a relationship to work it has to be the right time for both of you.
Liz, Sheffield
Sharing a bath together, and taking it in turns to be at the tap end!
Joannah, Lancaster, UK
Move far away from your mother-in-law.
Clare, London
The secret is: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. Love never fails."
Dan W, Horsham, UK
Marriage is like a bank account - you get out what you put in... with interest.
Andrew, UK
Ear plugs! The only way to survive the snoring.
Marie, UK
Have fun together - and separately
Andrew, Cambridge
Honesty, sharing, give and take, respect. Use each other's strengths and don't prey on each other's weaknesses. Never let the sun go down on a quarrel. Spontaneous kindness (flowers, jobs done unexpectedly, whatever). Have fun together - and separately. Accept that everyone makes mistakes and be prepared to forgive and forget. And above all - keep talking, communicate, don't bottle trouble up!
Andrew, Cambridge, UK
I was given this advice on my wedding day and it works! Never go to bed without resolving an argument, and tell your wife/husband/partner that you love them, fist thing in the morning and last thing at night.
FJ, London
Don't work together or be financially dependant on the other. Keep some space for yourself and don't get under each others feet.
Karen, London, UK
The three C's of marriage... Compatibility, Communication, and the most important of all Commitment. Commitment to each other and to the marriage will weather the storms of the relationship.
Richard, Gloucester
I think giving each other space and at times accepting that they might want to do something without you. After all marriage is two individuals becoming one but in the process they don't lose their individuality - in fact sometimes people fight to keep it.
David Hilton, Hudds, UK
For a long marriage men need to have a shed.
Mark, England
Respect for one another.
Leigh, Edinburgh
You have to accept that both you and your partner are still going to find other people attractive. Get over that, and you've circumvented a number of difficulties.
Fred Boersma, London, UK
Equality and sharing
Cat, Cambridge
I may not be an expert on successful relationships as I am sure most people aren't but I really feel the key to a successful relationship is equality and sharing. If you treat your partner as an equal and an individual you will gain their respect and their trust. Also I feel letting go of past relationships and not judging your current partner on your past failures in relationships is important as well.
Cat, Cambridge
The secret is to remember that your way is not the best way and to remember that it is a partnership. This means that there are times when you have to give and take as well as giving your partner time to breathe.
Romesh, UK
Personally I think it's much more of a compliment to a relationship if you can stay together and *not* get married. I've been with my current partner for over three years now, and we have a 4 month old daughter. We are not married.
Peter Jackson, Portsmouth, UK
Let your wife choose the home decorations. IF you don't you'll never hear the end of it
Philip Jedlicka, Toronto, Canada
Too many people fail to compromise
Dan O'Mahony, Manchester
Compromise. Too many people fail to compromise on basic issues/problems and their marriages suffer as a result. Too many people just walk away from an issue when a compromise is all that's needed to clear the air and leave both parties winners.
Dan O'Mahony, Manchester
Divorce !!! I've never been happier.
Steve, Liverpool, England
She is your queen and you are her prince. That's the magic formula.
Ahmad, London, UK
My brother has been married twice and still has not figured this out. Both times, he's chosen greedy women who are after his money. He, in turn, treats women as subservient to men. There's is a clear lack of love, respect, tenderness, honesty and selflessness on all parts. I am sad for him that he's invested a total of 14 years in such a sad way to live. Some people will never "get it".
Elizabeth, Pittsburgh, PA, USA
The mutual acceptance of each other's feelings, sharing goals, never "bottling it up" and sometimes dogged determination and plain hard work.
Barry, Redhill, UK
Love, respect, humility, effective communication and prioritising your partner's needs/concerns and never going to bed on a sour note.
Besona, Cameroon
Love, mutual respect and a commitment to make the marriage work
Sonya, USA
The secret to a happy marriage is love, mutual respect and a commitment to make the marriage work. People have different personalities and come from different backgrounds but if they love and respect each other and have a commitment to work on the marriage, they have a better chance of success.
Sonya, USA
Simple - two way communication.
SH, UK
A secret for a happy marriage is being able to communicate with each other, as well as the basics of love, trust and a bit of lust.
Joanne Murdy, Belfast
After 32 years, I can say that we have always admired and respected each other, have not expected to get our own way more than 50% and were lucky enough to choose the right one. Mind you, the first ten years were the worst.
Ruth, Birmingham
We got married in July 03, after 5 and half years together. The secret to any good relationship - communication, honesty, never go to bed on an argument and always start the morning off with the words 'I love you' and finish off the day the same. Simple really.
Helen Kreissl, UK
Be prepared to give more and take less
Anthony & Pearl, Ramsgate
You have to tell each other "I love you" and to say it every day. Be prepared to give more and take less. Talk more when there are problems as two can work things out better than one. Many relationships fail because of poor communications. Put your partner first and the relationship will get better as time goes by. We have been married nearly 35 years so it works for us.
Anthony & Pearl, Ramsgate
Be single!!!
Mike, Nottingham
I have been with my partner for 7 years and we will be getting married next year! Lasting love comes with being best of friends but more importantly good communication. If you can't talk to each other it's doomed. Keeping the romance is about being appreciative of the other person and never take them for granted.
Peter O'Callaghan, London
My husband often says when we quarrel, "Will this really matter in two years' time?" Looking ahead to what lasts as opposed to splitting hairs over the immediate petty concerns can give perspective to any relationship.
R. Ducatt, Springfield, MO, USA
Love, respect and a good sense of humour are the keys to a happy marriage. Marriage is hard work but it should also be fun. The couple that can have a laugh together will always be more successful in marriage than those who can't.
Caroline, Leawood, USA
Know that the two of you together are more important than either of you separately.
Julian, Brighton
Respect for oneself and for your loved one
Connie, Somerset
Although not married, I believe the secret for a happy relationship, is respect for oneself, and for your loved one. Communication is also a vital part of it as it's good to talk... no need to build up all that anxiety within yourself! OH and smiles... a smile is contagious as the famous saying goes! As long as my boyfriend is genuinely smiling, I know that he's happy and that makes me happy!
Connie, Somerset
If you want to be happy for an evening, get drunk; if you want to be happy for a year, get married; but if you want to be happy forever, get a garden.
Louise Robson, London
Find your soul mate.
Dan, UK
Being able to agree to disagree and respect, that is fundamental. But the golden rule is to agree more than you disagree....
Rozza, England
Treat partner selection like buying a used car. Check the history, check the body work (look under the bonnet), make sure it's neither clocked nor the subject of hidden finances and, above all else, give it a good test drive first!
Patrick V. Staton, Guildford, UK
The ability to laugh at yourself, and to make your partner laugh.
Becky, Cambridge, UK
Marry the love of your life. If you are truly soul mates, and meant to be together then all the difficulties don't seem quite so bad.
JoAnne, Ottawa, Canada
You must have over 60% in common
Peter Cotterill, Washington, DC - ex pat
Marriage today is nothing more than a relationship with a signed contract. The fact is most get married when in love, not really knowing their partner. As soon as the 'real relationship' starts and you know your partner, it's either good...or too late. To make a relationship work, you must have over 60% in common, you must be able to handle the human psyche, the fact the we all make mistakes is human, but it is also a fact that we hold grudges which turn into hate and divorce. The secret? Treat your partner as if he/she were your best friend...
Peter Cotterill, Washington, DC - ex pat
To love someone for the rest of your life is an active decision, which means always putting them first. It requires complete openness, effective communication and the sharing of deepest feelings. The result is a unity, not a compromise, which takes both parties through a voyage of discovery to continually growing love and happiness.
Michel Jordan, Nazeing, England
A sense of humour!
Helen Wyld, England
The secret for a happy marriage is for the wife to make it clear immediately that she is in charge of everything while at the same time convincing her husband that he calls all the shots. As long as he never realizes the truth, he will think he is happy which is all that matters.
Mark, USA
I have been married a short while and I can honestly say being married is so special, it really is great, there are good times and hard times but you both work through it, its about love, communication, honesty, sharing, being friends, having a laugh (often) giving, not being familiar.
Janine, Essex, England
Picking the right partner. It's as simple as that
Gary, UK
Picking the right partner. It's as simple as that. Marriages break down not because people couldn't work at them, but because they HAD to work at them. Real love doesn't need working at.
Gary, UK
Formula for a happy marriage is not a mathematical one but respect for each others feelings.
V Das, Manchester UK
My wife and I have been together 14 years and married for 9. In that time we have never had an argument. We have two rules. Be totally open with each other and respect the others opinions.
Colin, UK
Don't expect too much from marriage - it's not perfect, nothing is
Sandra Sawyer, Derby, England
It's vital to share a sense of humour and laugh a lot. And don't expect too much from marriage - it's not perfect, nothing is. But if you can laugh, talk things over and have an understanding of each other's points of view, it goes a long way to making it happy. We also think very much as a couple, i.e. "we" rather than "I".
Sandra Sawyer, Derby, England
We are happily married for 15 years and my biggest advise is "ninety percent of the friction of daily life is caused by the wrong tone of voice"
Saima, Houston, USA
I totally agree with Martin, England. Dogs don't spend all your money as well as theirs on alcohol and drugs. A dog is also a woman's best friend!
Susan Able, Woking, England
Money CAN buy you love!
Si Davie, Marcham, England
Life isn't a sprint, it is a marathon. If you can happily see yourself old, grey and right alongside your partner, you might be ready for marriage. Coming from America, we have millions of bad examples around us. We however, do not let drama, money or other external factors adversely affect our partnership. Dear Si Davie, hope your store bought love lasts. Did you hear? Barbie's ditching Ken! You might be in trouble...
Jacob Staff, Seattle, USA
Did we need a ten-year study to tell us that people who can't discuss contentious issues without getting angry are likely to divorce? Marriage is about compromise, and compromise comes about through friendly and loving discussion
Andrew Gawthorpe, Cambridge, UK
Communication, tolerance and respect for both your partner and your marriage. Love is obviously critical, but it will only get you so far. Too often, married couples focus on what "drives them nuts" about their partner and take for granted their wonderful traits.
Jeff, Cincinnati, USA
I let my wife watch the shopping channel all day. That keeps her happy and when she's happy, I'm happy, I think...
Lee Cage, Oldham, UK
Have regular affairs with your partner
James, UK
Have regular affairs with your partner. In other words put all the energy and creativity into your relationship that people seem to put into affairs. Make nice surprises, skulk off to hotels and buy little presents. Not all the time, but often enough to stop it feeling stale. Love dies when it is taken for granted.
James, UK
Have a laugh! It really makes you understand why you are together!
DS, UK
The true test of a mathematical theory like this is whether it makes accurate predictions, as well as explaining things after the fact. As a physics graduate myself, I find it hard to believe that something as subjective and complex as human relationships can be modelled in this way. And the secret of a happy marriage? Give and take, like others here have suggested. Love your other half enough to want to see them happy, and they'll reciprocate. It's no big secret, however much TV portrayals of marriage try to tell us otherwise.
David Hazel, Fareham, UK
I think the key is compromise and sacrifice for the other. As a 25 year veteran of married life - all to the same woman - I can say it is wonderful, even the bumps make the relationship stronger. And if you can remember the five most important words, "yes dear whatever you want" and put them into place, you'll be just fine.
Bill, Colchester, Vt, USA
Compatibility, communication, commitment, and a dash of 'je ne sais quoi'!
K, UK
Fellow men: just buy your woman shoes every week and everything will be good!
Jon, England
Don't nitpick or carry grudges
Sherrin, London, UK
PATIENCE! It's too easy to give up. Also, don't nitpick or carry grudges. No partner wants a mental backlog of every single mistake they've made in the past.
Sherrin, London, UK
Chocolate!
VG, UK
Picking the right partner. It's as simple as that.
Gary, UK
Have lots of affairs, and don't get caught.
Paul, Kent
The secret is not to try and change your partner. If you're not happy with the way they are you shouldn't really be spending your life with them. My partner and I still have the social lives of 20-somethings and we're both in our early 50s.
Steve, UK
Don't ask me! I've had two goes and two failures. Third time lucky perhaps
John Foster, Aylesbury, England
The secret is not to get married at all. Such a small minority are religious in the UK these days, there's no tax advantage to being married and most long-lived relationships seem to go wrong the moment the certificate is signed. If a relationship isn't broken then don't fix it.
David Howe, Chelmsford UK
Trouble is these days divorce is all too easy to obtain
Jane, Guildford, UK
The secret of a happy relationship is perseverance. There are going to be times when things are unbearable, but if you stick with your partner you will both come out stronger than ever. It's not always easy loving someone, trouble is these days divorce is all too easy to obtain.
Jenny, Manchester, UK
The secret of a good marriage is to be good friends.
Jane, Guildford, UK
You do what she says
Rob , UK
Love, loyalty, truth, trust and sacrifice
Mrs Fye, Spain
Interesting that the comments so far seem to only relate to marriage. My partner and I celebrate Valentine's Day too. The secret to a happy relationship? Start right, start as you mean to carry on and stick to it. And always have that little surprise every now and then!
Simon Gregg, Cambridge
An ideally happy marriage would involve as few arguments as possible. A realistic happy marriage is where the arguments happen but they get resolved quickly and happily!
Christopher Hogarty, Oxford, UK
Its about sharing, mutual understanding and laughter
Tim Harris, Nottingham
Love is about taking pleasure from helping or giving pleasure to your partner. Its also about sharing, mutual understanding and laughter.
Tim Harris, Nottingham
Whenever there is an argument, or you want to correct your wife, ask yourself: 'Do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy?'...
RS, Bath, UK
The ability to communicate with warmth and humour no matter what your surroundings and situation are. Negative comments if possible should be kept to a minimum.
Lucy, United Kingdom
Don't take each other for granted. Love, respect and value each other. NEVER sink into complacency. Have a laugh together!
Claire, London
Not trying to change your partner to match your ideas of perfection. Not going to sleep on a argument and respecting each others views - even when they are wrong :)
Caron, England
The secret to a good relationship is to understand. Understanding that you can only ever do two things wrong, everything you say and everything you do.
Steve, Hants
It may sound stupid, but the secret for a happy marriage is being happy.
Mark, Farnham, Surrey
Accepting that marriage is for the long haul and in that time there's going to be rough times
Anna, Birmingham, UK
Realism is very important in a marriage. Accepting that marriage is for the long haul and in that time there's going to be rough times. Being able to talk to your partner is imperative and give and take. Don't expect hearts and flowers forever, it's not real life.
Anna, Birmingham, UK
Marriage is all about trust. People get married because they believe they will be happy in one way or another by forming a bond with someone else. Trust is the foundation of marriage; it is also the polar for a happy marriage.
Helena, Essex, UK
I used to interview couples celebrating 40th, 50th and even 60th wedding anniversaries for a local newspaper. I always asked them 'What's the secret of a happy marriage?'. 'Give and take' they all would reply. Typically, each husband and wife had their own living area within their home - their own living room, their own TV etc - and it seemed didn't spend much time together. I always believed that was, in truth, the secret of a long and happy marriage.
Paul, Essex
See problems from the other person's shoes and be realistic about what is and is not crucially important to you
Alex, London
I'm getting married this summer. My parents divorced, which has made me very determined to put every effort into making my marriage work. I don't know what difficulties and obstacles we will have to overcome, but taking an open approach (and knowing my fiancée well enough to guess her reaction to almost anything) has to be the key to success. See problems from the other person's shoes and be realistic about what is and is not crucially important to you personally as opposed to you as a couple.
Alex, London, UK
To Randal Bagwell: Whilst what you say is true, It has to work both ways. Your wife has to be selfless to, otherwise you end up a door mat.
Bill, UK
Marriage must be a compromise, give and take equally.
Bob, UK
The secret to a happy marriage is selflessness instead of selfishness, putting the needs of your wife ahead of your own needs, helping her in little ways. If people are selfish, they will not have a happy marriage no matter how mathematically compatible they are according to a scientist's list of factors. Love is about giving, not getting.
Randal Bagwell, Copperas Cove, Texas, US
Labels: marriage-success
How to Have a Happy Marriage
by Alan Stafford
1. It starts with you
The happier you are with yourself and your life, the more attractive you are to your partner. Another way to look at this is: if you were someone else, would you marry you? Start today to work on being the kind of person you would want to know, date, and marry. If you're not that kind of person, how can you expect your spouse to stay attracted or stay passionate?
2. There's you, there's him/her, and then there's we.
You don't have to give up your identity or be known as your spouse's partner.
It also doesn't work when two people each do their own thing without regard to their partner's wishes and feelings. Marriage is, and should be, more than cohabitation. As the marriage vows state, "two shall be as one". That "one" is neither you nor him. The "one" is a third entity: the relationship, the marriage, the "we".
The "we" is what you share, what you have in common, the nurturing that cannot be provided on your own. Think companionship, intimacy, and sharing.
3. Leave behind your emotional baggage
Are you really over your previous relationship? If not, you can't fully commit to your spouse. Likewise, if you are still Daddy's little girl or Mommy's boy, you are not in control of your own life. Therefore, you cannot fully enter into an adult relationship of mutual sharing and support. You can't be accountable to your spouse if you have to keep pleasing Mommy or Daddy.
4. Your marriage comes first
Marriage is the strongest bond between two people. Parents are here and one day they are gone. Children grow into adults and leave to start their own lives. Your spouse is only person who is meant to stay with you the rest of your time on this planet.
Women who say their children come first are usually unable to let their children grow up and become independent adults. Instead of a mature adult-adult relationship, the roles are forever adult- child. So the children never emotionally leave home and are forever dependent on the parent.
These women are always surprised when their mates get tired of being number two, and decide to leave for someone else who WILL put them first.
5. Your marriage is your top priority.
You didn't get married to commute two hours a day, work at the office 60 hours a week, and pay on a mortgage for 30 years. You probably got married to share your life, your hopes, your dreams- not your bills-with that special someone. During life's ups and especially during life's downs, keep in mind why you married in the first place. Not jobs, nor cars, nor your favorite sports team. At one time, your partner was the most important thing in this world to you. Act like it today and every day.
6. Don't compare
This holds true in your life as well as in your marriage. There will always be a couple that seems happier, wealthier, sexier, and more perfect than you two are. So what? Their happiness doesn't increase or diminish your happiness. Neither does their money, their jobs, their house, or their glamour. All that matters is whether you and your spouse have created a relationship that works for you.
7. Don't wonder "what if?"
Wondering what it would be like to be with another person-for a night or for a lifetime-is self-delusion and is really unfair to your spouse. You see other people socially when they are at their best. You see your spouse when he/she is at his best, her average, and sometimes at her worst. If you could swap mates, guess what? You'd see that person at his/her worst, and you probably wouldn't like what you see.
8. Realize that love can grow.
As much as you were in love when you got married, your love and commitment to each other can grow over the years. Marriage can get better, not worse, with time. The longer you've been married, the more history you have together. The triumphs and disappointments, the successes and the failures, all are part of sharing a life together. And that history is unique to you. No one else has that or can duplicate it. This is why a man who leaves his middle aged wife for a younger woman eventually wants to come back. With his wife he has a history-a shared past. With the new woman there is only the present.
9. Commitment means no matter what.
It's as simple as making the decision to be totally committed to your spouse and to the relationship. No matter what happens financially, or health wise, or otherwise. No matter what. Once the two of you have decided to stay "no matter what", there is no question of stay or go, yes or no. Now the emphasis is on problem solving. Write this down: all couples have problems. Happy couples learn to deal with their problems. Unhappy couples eventually just run away.
10. Believe that a happy marriage is not only possible, it's yours for the making.
It won't happen by itself. It takes intention, commitment, and practice. But the couples who have happy, blissful, and satisfying marriages are proof that it is possible. Just choose to be happy, and choose to be happily married.
Alan Stafford, Certified Coach "Helping Singles and Couples Find Love that Lasts a Lifetime" Go to http://www.relationshipsuccessexperts.com to subscribe to our newsletter for relationship tips and advice.
Labels: marriage-success
Some Ideas On How To Have A Happy Marriage
By Gregg Hall
Having a happy marriage isn’t automatic and it doesn’t necessarily come easily just because you love each other. While being in love is very important in a marriage sometimes it just isn’t enough and you have to work at your marriage just like any other relationship. Open communication and careful consideration of each others feelings are two of the emotional aspects that are keys to a happy marriage. Even more ordinary details such a household responsibilities and financial understanding can factor into the state of the marriage. It is crucial to understand that a marriage is a multi-faceted relationship that needs to be nurtured in all of its capacities in order to be successful and lasting as it was meant to be.
Both parties being willing to make sacrifices is one secret to a happier marriage. Both partners in the marriage must be prepared to put their partner’s happiness ahead of their own from time to time for the marriage to truly work. If either partner is completely self centered and unwilling to make sacrifices it will create resentment in the marriage. At times the sacrifices may be big but most often it’s the smaller things that matter most. Even preparing a dish that you don’t like but that you know your spouse likes lets your partner know that you care and are willing to put their happiness first at times. The bottom line is that is both partners are looking out for the other then things will work perfectly.
While making sacrifices is important in a marriage,it is also important to sometimes do things that are just for you, and that isn’t being selfish. It’s great to have a lot of common interests but it’s also essential to have some things that you enjoy doing on your own. Having some separate activities gives you a little time away from your partner once in awhile and gives you a chance realize how much you miss them when you are apart. It also gives you an opportunity to explore things on your own and prevents boredom in the relationship. This is another thing that is crucial to the survival of a marriage; you have to have your own life as well.
Another secret to a having a better marriage is to maintain an intimate and affectionate relationship. Sharing physical closeness will keep your marriage happy. Even small gestures such as hugs or holding hands give you the opportunity to reconnect with your spouse on a daily basis. On a more intimate note, if you are a woman go buy a sexy lingerie item to show your man that you want him. If you are a man, buy a nice lingerie item for your wife to show her that she is desirable to you.
Gregg Hall is a consultant for online and offline businesses and lives in Navarre Florida. Find more about sexy lingerie at http://www.lingerie-plus-more.com
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Gregg_Hall
click on title to read on
Labels: marriage success
How to Have a Happy Marriage When You're Busy Parenting
From Elizabeth Pantley
Is your marriage everything you ever hoped it could be? Or has it been pushed down your list of priorities since having children? Let's face it, parenthood is a full-time job, and it dramatically changes your marriage relationship. But marriage is the foundation upon which your entire family is structured. If your marriage is strong, your whole family will be strong; your life will be more peaceful, you'll be a better parent, and you'll, quite simply, have more fun in your life.
Make a commitment
To create or maintain a strong marriage you will have to take the first critical step: You must be willing to put time, effort and thought into nurturing your marriage. The ideas that follow will help you follow through on this commitment and will put new life and meaning into your marriage.
So here's my challenge to you. Read the following suggestions and apply them in your marriage for the next 30 days. Then evaluate your marriage. I guarantee you'll both be happier.
Look for the good, overlook the bad
You married this person for many good reasons. Your partner has many wonderful qualities. Your first step in adding sizzle to your marriage is to look for the good and overlook the bad.
Make it a habit to ignore the little annoying things -- dirty socks on the floor, a day-old coffee cup on the counter, worn out flannel pajamas, an inelegant burp at the dinner table -- and choose instead to search for those things that make you smile: the way he rolls on the floor with the baby; the fact that she made your favorite cookies, the peace in knowing someone so well that you can wear your worn out flannels or burp at the table.
Give two compliments every day
Now that you've committed to seeing the good in your partner, it's time to say it! This is a golden key to your mate's heart. Our world is so full of negative input, and we so rarely get compliments from other people. When we do get a compliment, it not only makes us feel great about ourselves, it actually makes us feel great about the person giving the compliment! Think about it! When your honey says, "You're the best. I'm so glad I married you." It not only makes you feel loved, it makes you feel more loving.
Compliments are easy to give, take such a little bit of time, and they're free. Compliments are powerful; you just have to make the effort to say them. Anything works: "Dinner was great, you make my favorite sauce." "Thanks for picking up the cleaning. It was very thoughtful, you saved me a trip." "That sweater looks great on you."
to read on click on title
Labels: marriage-success
20 Key Ideas For a Happy Marriage
1. Keep your mind on your main goal, which is to have a happy marriage. Say and do what will enable you and your spouse to have a happy marriage. Avoid the opposite. Everything else is commentary.
2. Keep asking yourselves, What can we do to have a happy, loving atmosphere in our home?
3. Focus on giving, rather than taking. Say and do as many things as possible to meet your spouses needs.
4. Keep doing and saying things that will give your spouse a sense of importance.
5. Frequently ask yourself, What positive things can I say and do to put my (husband or wife) in a positive emotional state?
6. Before speaking, clarify the outcome you want. The meaning of your communication is the response you actually get. If the first thing you say is not achieving your goal, change your approach. Remember that mutual respect and happiness is your real goal. Do not needlessly argue. Silence is often the wisest choice. Constantly be mutually respectful.
7. Show appreciation and gratitude in as many ways as possible. Say something appreciative a few times a day.
8. Be a good listener. Understand your spouse from his or her point of view.
9. Be considerate of the feelings and needs of your spouse. Think of ways that you have lacked consideration and be resolved to increase your level of consideration.
10. Instead of blaming and complaining think of positive ways to motivate your spouse. If your first strategies are not effective, think of creative ways.
11. Give up unrealistic expectations. Do not expect your spouse to be perfect and do not make comparisons.
12. Do not cause pain with words. If your spouse speaks to you in ways that cause you pain, choose outcome wording, Lets speak to each other in ways that are mutually respectful.
13. Be willing to compromise. Be willing to do something you would rather not do in return for similar behavior from your spouse.
14. Write a list of ways that you have benefited from being married to your spouse. Keep adding to the list and reread it frequently.
15. Write a list of your spouses positive patterns and qualities. Keep adding to the list and read it frequently.
16. Keep thinking about what you can do to bring out the best qualities of your spouse. Reinforce those qualities with words and action.
17. Focus on finding solutions to any problems that arise. Be solution oriented. Do not just blame and complain. Do not focus on who is more wrong. For a happy marriage, work together to find mutually acceptable solutions.
18. Remember your finest moments. What did you say and do when you felt best about each other? Increase them.
19. Look for positive activities you can do together.
20. Live in the present. What went wrong in the past is the past. You create the present and future with your thoughts, words, and actions right now. Choose them wisely.
© Rabbi Zelig Pliskin [based on "Marriage" by Rabbi Z.Pliskin]
Labels: marriage-success
Want a Happy Marriage? Be Nice, Don't Nitpick
True Compatibility Doesn't Exist, so Shrug off Little Conflicts
By Jeanie Lerche Davis
WebMD Feature Reviewed by Brunilda Nazario, MD
Thermostat settings. Dirty socks. Toothpaste caps. Our little habits make our spouses crazy. But no two people are ever truly compatible, so quit nitpicking each other, relationship experts advise. Save the battles for the big issues -- and you'll have a happy marriage.
Susan Boon, PhD, a social psychologist at the University of Calgary in Alberta, Canada, teaches classes in interpersonal relationships. A few years ago, she picked up the book, Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work, by John Gottman, MD, psychologist, relationship researcher for 30 years, and founder of The Gottman Institute in Seattle. Ever since discovering the book, Boon has recommended it to her students.
Secrets of a Happy Marriage
Long-lasting, happy marriages have more than great communication, Boon says. "Dr. Gottman brings up something no one ever talks about -- that irreconcilable differences are normal, that you just have to come to terms with them, not try to resolve the unresolvable. On some level, that should have been obvious, but it hasn't been," she tells WebMD.
Most marriage therapists focus on "active listening," which involves paraphrasing, validating, affirming your spouse's feedback, says Boon. "That's all well and good and may help you get through some conflicts in a less destructive way. But, as Dr. Gottman puts it, 'you're asking people to do Olympic-style gymnastics when they can hardly crawl.' Many people will fail at those techniques. Research indicates that most people are dissatisfied with the outcome of marital therapy, that the problems come back."
In happy marriages, Boon points out, couples don't do any of that!
Instead, you must be nice to your partner, research shows. Make small gestures, but make them often. "The little things matter," says Boon. "What a happy marriage is based on is deep friendship, knowing each other well, having mutual respect, knowing when it makes sense to try to work out an issue, when it is not solvable. Many kinds of issues simply aren't solvable."
Learn how to identify issues that must be resolved, that can be "fruitfully discussed," she notes. "Learn to live with the rest. Just put up with it. All you do is waste your breath and get angry over these things that can't be changed. You're better off not trying to change them. Work around them. Commit to staying together, even though this is something you don't like."
A long-lasting, happy marriage is about knowing your partner, being supportive, and being nice. Research shows that, "for every one negative thing you do, there must be five positive things that balance it out," Boon tells WebMD. "Make sure to balance the negatives with positives. Your marriage has to be heavily in favor of the positives."
While it sounds easy -- and while it can be easy -- this commitment to being nice is no small matter, Boon says. "You have to do nice things often. But it's harder to be nice when the heat is on, when you're really angry, or when something has happened for the 15th time. Nevertheless, the balance must be heavily, heavily stacked in the positive, to have a happy marriage."
Also, couples must stay in touch with their special ways of repairing the relationship, Boon says. "It can be humor; it can be whatever helps diffuse the escalating heat. In happy marriages, couples naturally do this. They deflect the anger, and get back on an even keel."
To read on click on title
Labels: marriage-success
How to Have a Happy and Successful Marriage
The Rules of Marriage as Determined by You and Your Spouse
By Scott Kessman
Many have wondered what the secret is to a happy and successful marriage. They have asked family and friends, sages and gurus. They have sought the answers in religion and romance movies, in dreams and in snatches of conversation overheard from strangers.
The simple truth is there is no universal secret. There is no standardized set of governing rules set in place to ensure a happy and successful marriage. The solid, simple truth is, your marriage is what you make it, and any rules governing marital behavior should be determined only by you and your spouse.
Of course, there are some common sense items that need to be invoked, such as open and honest communication between you and your spouse, no cheating on your spouse, etc. But these are not the rules I'm referring to in this article. The rules I intend to discuss pertain more so to the various perceptions of a proper marriage as dictated by family and friends, who all have their own views on marriage and will happily share their wisdom with you as though they were the keepers of great knowledge.
A large problem I see with the concept of marriage is the actual meaning of marriage as shared by much of the population. Too many view the ritual of marriage as a form of success and status that must be attained by a certain age, thereafter followed by children as the next logical step. Many of you have undoubtedly uttered to yourself or to acquaintances that you will soon be a certain age, so perhaps it is time to get married soon.
If that is what you think, then I'm afraid you are looking to get married for the wrong reasons. Marriage at any age should be about strengthening the bonds of love, and pledging yourself wholly to someone else who feels the same way about you. One should not be seeking marriage; one should be seeking someone to love, followed by marriage.
As you reach a certain age, you will undoubtedly feel pressure from family and friends to settle down and get married, especially if many around you have already tied the knot. Religions often promote marriage for the sole purpose of starting a family, with less emphasis on love.
Labels: marriage
Love Is Not Enough to Make a Marriage Good
I Love You More: How Everyday Problems Can Strengthen Your Marriage
by Les Parrott III, Ph.D., Dr. Leslie Parrott
(Page 2 of 2)
It's a rare week when our postman in Seattle does not deliver a wedding invitation to our door. Because we work with so many engaged couples through our teaching, seminars, and counseling, we get invited to more weddings than we can ever attend. And the ones we do attend always remind us how glorious the beginning of lifelong love is. We stand up with this individual and make a declaration in front of friends and family concerning the convincing nature of our love and how it will endure a lifetime. We vow right then and there to dedicate the rest of our lives to the pursuit, discovery, testing, enjoying, and continual renewal of this love. We are so convinced of the enduring quality of this good love that we stake our very lives on it. We vow to love "until death do us part."
Without love there would be no wedding, and certainly no marriage. Love is the catalyst for commitment. Love is what insures that every marriage starts out good. But sooner or later every good marriage bumps into negative things. And that's when honest couples discover that love, no matter how good, is never enough.
For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.
Rainer Marie Rilke
Let's make this clear: We all entered marriage confident our union would not simply survive but thrive. Our confidence was built and bolstered by our love. But here's the kicker: One cannot completely guard one's love against the things that diminish it (not even Sheldon and Davy could do that). What's more, love in itself is seldom sturdy enough to support a couple when they inevitably run into bad things. In fact, the loss of love is given as a major reason for marital dissolution. Love, while being a good catalyst for marriage, cannot sustain it alone.
We have counseled countless couples who cling to the sentimental romantic notion of love expressed in songs, movies, and novels. It is a notion that leads most of us into a destructive marital myth that says, Everything good in this relationship should get better in time. But the truth is, not everything gets better. Many things improve because of marriage, but some things become more difficult. Every successful marriage, for example, requires necessary losses. For starters, marriage means coming to terms with new limits on one's independence. It means giving up a carefree lifestyle. Even to people who have dreamed for years about getting married and who think of themselves as hating to be alone, marriage still cannot help but come as an invasion of privacy and independence. No one has ever been married without being surprised at the sheer intensity of this invasion. And so, for many, they run into their first real challenge to love. But it will not be their last.
What greater thing is there for two human souls than to feel that they are joined for life — to strengthen each other in all labor, to rest on each other in all sorrow, to minister to each other in all pain.
George Eliot
Like two weary soldiers taking cover in a bunker, every couple is bewildered by constant assaults to their love life. Marriage is continually bombarded by unpredictable instances that interfere with being the kind of lovers we want to be. We are torn apart by busy schedules, by words we wish we could take back, and in short, by not giving all that love demands.
"Love asks for everything," writes Mike Mason. "Not just for a little bit, or a whole lot, but for everything." And how hard it is to give everything! Indeed, it is impossible. We can establish a Shining Barrier or make a symbolic gesture of giving all, even declare it quite dramatically at a wedding ceremony, but that is just a start, a mere message of intention. It is only when we move beyond the "moon of honey," as the French put it, that our love is truly tested. And no one, no matter how loving, can stand up to the test of not only giving everything one owns but everything one is. Be certain of this: You and your spouse will fail at love. Why? Because no mere mortal can ever live by romantic love alone.
Husbands and wives get hurt in love. Bad things happen. Nevertheless, for the couple who is able to accept that not everything good gets better in marriage and who matures together in love, there is a great surprise in store: their marriage, though bandied about by a myriad of bad things, can remain good, or at the very least get good once more.
What Makes a Marriage Good?
Passion, though a bad regulator,
is a powerful spring.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Ask most people this question and you'll undoubtedly hear something about love. But ask those who have given it serious thought, who have dedicated themselves to study and research of the topic, and you'll hear a different answer. Better yet, ask this question of couples who have a good marriage in spite of everything they've encountered, and you'll hear the answer that matters most. That's what we did, and it became the reason for writing this book. Here's what they told us: A good marriage is built by two people's capacity to adjust to negative things. In survey after survey, when we asked couples to crystallize their thoughts on what makes a marriage successful, that was their answer. And when we pushed them to flesh out that answer, we learned the secrets these smart couples hold.
A good marriage is made up of . . . two people who take ownership for the good as well as the bad. They are a responsible couple.
A good marriage is made up of . . . two people believing good wins over bad. They are a hopeful couple.
A good marriage is made up of . . . two people walking in each other's shoes. They are an empathic couple.
A good marriage is made up of . . . two people healing the hurts they don't deserve. They are a forgiving couple.
A good marriage is made up of . . . two people living the love they promise. They are a committed couple
Labels: marriage
by Emuna Braverman
Effective communication means verbalizing needs and listening carefully.
It can't be stated often enough.If you don't have a healthy way of expressing your thoughts and emotions to each other, of speaking and being heard, then everything else will ultimately crumble.
In order to have a successful marriage you have to make yourself an expert in communication.You have to try to understand what your partner is saying on a simple level as well as try to analyze the underlying message or desire.
The last thing a woman wants to hear when she complains about her weight is a suggestion for a new diet plan.
For example, the last thing a woman wants to hear when she complains about her weight is a suggestion for a new diet plan.Actually the last thing she probably wants to hear is, "Yes dear, you do need to slim down a little!"
Nor does she want just a sympathetic ear (just when a man thinks he's mastered the art of good listening).What she really wants is for her husband to say, "You look terrific!" "You look thin!" "You look so young!"
Having said that it is important to look at what Virginia Satir calls the "metacommunication." This is the underlying message, the motivation behind the communication. We all need to be amateur psychologists and try to figure out what our partner really wants. For example, when Susan tells her husband that she isn't feeling well, that may be her way of saying "could you drive the children to ice skating lessons today dear?" or it may be her way of expressing a need for more attention from her spouse. As I'm about to illustrate we can't all be mind readers, but it is important to try to focus not just on the words being said, but what may possibly be implied as well.
It is important to hear what your spouse is really saying, but it is also important for the other side to give clues.
We shouldn't expect our mates to intuit our needs nor rely on some level of divine inspiration. If there's a special necklace you want for your birthday, point it out to your husband.It will save him the agony of choosing and spare you both needless pain.It works both ways -- maybe he doesn't want socks this year.
TELL YOUR PARTNER WHAT YOU WANT
Joe is the romantic type.Every week after he got engaged he brought his fiancee flowers.He even sent her flowers every day of the week before their wedding.
He continued this practice a number of years into their marriage.
Finally Emily, his wife, ever the unsentimental and practical one, spoke up."You know Joe, I really love you and I like that you want to bring me flowers.But I actually don't like flowers that much.And besides, they die so soon after that I feel like we've wasted our money.I'd rather you saved up for a more lasting gift."
If we want something, we need to say it.
Luckily this is a very trivial example.But being able to express yourself in the small areas will lead to open discussion in the big areas as well.If we want something, we need to say it.
It sounds so obvious, but how many hurt and angry couples come in for counseling saying "he should have known..." or "she should have realized..."?How should he have known? How should she have realized?Did you tell him/her?
DON'T RELY ON INTUITION
I have a friend who never makes grocery lists.She goes to the supermarket and relies on her intuition.This led to, at one point, 12 jars of mustard in her refrigerator.
This approach to life has relatively little impact on her, other than maybe leading to excessive consumption of hot dogs, but in marriage it could be disastrous.
This approach could be disastrous in a marriage.
Don't rely on your intuition. Ask. Don't rely on his/her intuition.Tell.
"You knew I wasn't feeling well.Why didn't you offer to make dinner? "This and many similar dialogues often lead to tension around the home.Yet the solution is so simple. "I'm really not feeling well dear. Would you mind making dinner?"
It is a common assumption that prophetic power is proof of your spouse's undying love and devotion.Let's destroy that myth right now.Tell your spouse what you want.His or her thoughtful response to your explicitly expressed needs is a sign of commitment.
While we're on the topic, don't ask for signs or proofs.It will get you in trouble. Everyone expresses their caring and develops their love in differing ways and at varying rates. A confrontation over "do you love me?" will be just that -- a confrontation. Express yourself in a way that shows understanding of your spouse's personality and he will respond in kind.
Perhaps the most essential quality for good communication in any relationship, and particularly in a marriage, is to be a good listener.
Take a minute to ask yourself if you listen attentively when your partner speaks.Or is your mind on tonight's dinner, tomorrow's business meeting, Bloomingdale's sale ... Do you comprehend clearly what you mate is saying?
LISTEN TO YOUR PARTNER
Sometimes when my husband and I are quarreling, he'll stop me in the middle to say: "What am I saying, and what are you saying, and what's the difference? "It's infuriating but effective.
Frequently I find that I've been so caught up in hearing myself talk or the passion of the moment that I haven't really been listening.I'm amazed to discover that our positions aren't that far apart, in fact they're not apart at all.
I've been so caught up in hearing myself talk that I haven't really been listening.
If this is a difficult issue for you it sometimes helps to establish structure.You could set aside a time where you are required to listen to your mate without interrupting for 10 minutes.Don't plan your defense or rebuttal.Just listen. You'll be surprised at how much you'll learn and when it's your turn you'll realize a unique pleasure in being able to express yourself freely.
Another technique psychologists favor is called active listening.There are many variations on this theme but the basic style is mirroring back what your partner says."I hear you saying..."
Keep doing it until you get it right. Maybe many of your misunderstandings are because your heard your partner wrong the first time, or you didn't hear your partner at all.
We have numerous distractions in our lives today -- telephones, televisions, and now the Internet.If we want to be listened to with concentration, we must provide the same.Hang up the phone when your spouse walks in the door.Turn off the TV.Escape from the Web.Otherwise your mate feels like second best, and when you have something to say it will also fall on deaf ears.
We have to remember that marriage creates a unity, a oneness.We can use our powers of communication to solidify that unity or, God forbid, to tear it asunder.
As the Chazon Ish, a great Jewish scholar, wrote "Treat your wife as a left hand protecting the right one ... and not an independent limb."If we accept this attitude we will recognize that spending time and energy to improve communication is the way to achieve a true marital bond
Labels: marriage
The Good Marriage?
By Mary Ann Hogan
Bay Area psychologist Judith S. Wallerstein, founder and former executive director of the Marin County-based Center for the Family in Transition, is considered one of the world's leading experts on children of divorce. Now, in The Good Marriage (Houghton Mifflin), she investigates what holds marriages together. In a two-year study of 50 white, middle-class, avowedly happy couples, she discusses basic types of marriage. Among them: "traditional" marriages, with a wage-earning husband and a caretaking wife, and "companionate" marriages, in which both partners juggle the pressures of work and home.
Q: We have the highest marriage failure rate in the world. What does that say about American culture?
A: What it says to me, since I've spent 25 years of my life studying divorce, is that we're in serious trouble in terms of what we offer our children for the future.
Q: Yet we're wedded to this nostalgic ideal of marriage and family. Why?
A: Family does represent a sense of acceptance, a sense of warmth, a sense of being loved, of belonging, and that's become even more important in contemporary America. People are more isolated, more lonely, and more in need of intimacy.
Q: You described marriage as the only refuge from the essential loneliness of modern life. Is that a pipe dream?
A: I hate to think that it's a pipe dream. One of my findings is that there are happy marriages out there. What gets in the headlines is the terrible violence in families, the hate in families, and the sense that the family is a disappointment.
Q: Where is the family headed?
A: I think the family is here to stay. It's the only really good way I know to bring up children. That doesn't mean a single mother can't be a perfectly fine mother. But it's twice as hard, or three times as hard.
The purpose of my book was really to learn what goes into a happy family, a happy marriage. I really think of it as a pilot study. We have everything to learn about how to make a good marriage in contemporary society. What I argue is that marriage used to be held up from the outside. You had an extended family that kept the couple together, you had a church, you had a village, you had a community that kept everybody together; but we're into a new period in marriage. The only thing that holds it is if it holds from within. And I'm arguing that therefore we have to put an entirely different level of effort and understanding and knowledge into that marriage or we won't have it.
Q: You say that in a good marriage probably the most important ingredient is flexibility.
A: What people need in a marriage today is a greater recognition that you don't have the same marriage in your 20s that you have in your 30s, that you have in your 40s. That the marriage without children that you start with--that most people start with--is not the marriage with children, is not the marriage at midlife, and so on. What's striking about these 50 couples is that they were very open to new ideas. They value change.
Q: Should we also be flexible as a society, valuing change in the structure of the family?
A: We have to value change, but we also have to recognize that what people want has to stay there. What they want is love. They really do want love. And they want friendship, and they want respect, and they--women and men--want equality.
Q: The breakdown of the family has been cited for all sorts of social ills. Is that a realistic assessment?
A: The breakdown of the family has a lot of ramifications in this society. What [Erik] Erikson called "the twilight of the father," that's serious. It would be equally serious if it were the twilight of the mothers. I've been very worried about children for a long time because they're less protected and nurtured in a single-parent family.
Q: What can we as a society do to help?
A: I don't think government policy has caused divorce, and I don't think government policy can make a good marriage. But the climate of a society affects both.
Q: In the current political climate, we seem to be moving toward a cultural consensus that the traditional two-parent family is the only good family.
A: I'm arguing that there's a wide range of different kinds of marriage. And that people have a greater choice than ever. I am not buying into the notion that the traditional family--by that we mean a man and a woman and children; the woman stays home and the man works--is what most people want.
It's a very important finding that, of these 100 people who had created marriages they loved, only five wanted marriages like their parents had. Part of their pride was that they had created something new, something important, something that they thought was good for them and good for their children. The children were very valued in all these marriages, but they did not expect the same kind of conformity in their children that their parents expected from them. So there is a sense of greater freedom to shape the marriage, but there's also a tremendous respect for the marriage and the willingness to make sacrifices. Which is very important. It wasn't only "me, me, you, you." It was "us."
Q: Is there a policy role for building stronger marriages?
A: First of all, we're going to have a variety of marriages in the future. But if we're going to have traditional marriage, you have to have a society that provides salaries that can support them. And you have to have very good re-entry plans. Neither of which we have right now.
The issue is whether one could build insurance for someone who stays home and takes care of the family, so that person could get scholarships to go back to school. We have to have better educational opportunities, but mainly we need better opportunities in the workplace.
In companionate marriages where you have two adults in the workplace, we're going to have to work out a better interface between the workplace and the family. For example, in Sweden, for the first year of a baby's life, the woman or the man can stay home at 80 percent salary. There is an attempt in the workplace to recognize the importance of the family. We don't have these policies; we fought hard to get leave without pay.
Q: What about some of the current conservative ideas for making divorce more difficult? Reinstituting fault, for example, even stigmatizing illegitimacy?
A: I'm a little worried. In America we tend to rush into things without thinking what their unintended consequences may be.
Q: Like what?
A: One possibility: If you make divorce very difficult, you may get higher abandonment. You might get children even less protected economically.
Q: What can we do for younger people?
A: There's a lot we can do in the education of adolescents. The place to talk about relationships is in high school, and we have to, because 30 percent of America's children are coming out of divorced families.
These kids say to me, now that I see them as adults, "I've never seen a happy family." They're taking that inner template into adulthood. And they're just as lonely for a relationship, they're just as lonely for intimacy and love and security and safety and all the things that a good marriage can provide, but they're starting off with a sense of, "I won't get it." They're scared.
Like a 23-year-old from my divorce work who said, "My husband and I have two strikes against us. We're both from divorced families." If you start off that way, you're going to have a very hard time when that baby's born.
Q: How can we apply what you've found in happy middle-class marriages to people from lower socioeconomic backgrounds?
A: For a long time in social science we neglected class differences, and that's a mistake. But now the pendulum's gone the other way. It isn't true that divorce is different for a poor child than it is for a rich child, in its emotional content, and so the psychological tasks of marriage that I wrote about would apply across the board.
Q: Some people on the progressive left are critical of the work you've done.
A: In a review of my last book, the last line was, "Doesn't that woman know that the family is dead?"
What could I say? The notion that women don't do well in marriage, that all they do is serve men. I mean, that's nonsense.
So if I'm in favor of the family, I'm by definition in favor of oppressing women? That's silly.
Q: How do you feel about the tendency of some people on the right to cite your work as evidence that what they're saying about "family values" is true?
A: I'll tell you, I've been so misquoted in America [laughs]. I cannot worry about it anymore; I'm happy if they spell my name right. So many things have been attributed to me that I never would have dreamed of saying. I'm not against divorce; in some cases, it's the best choice.
Q: Is the high divorce rate because our values are askew, or because it's easier to get divorced?
A: We have a higher divorce rate for many reasons; for one thing, women are able to support themselves. But also--and I take this very seriously--people have higher expectations of marriage, and they're right. One of my findings is that the higher expectations can pay off.
Q: Should society's expectations of marriage change?
A: I do think it's important for society to value it, but that doesn't mean you can only value the little house with the white picket fence. Women are not going to give up their hard-won gains. Why should they? We're into a period of transition, but, as I say, I think the family is here to stay because it's the best method ever invented by human beings for dealing with the stresses of adulthood and bringing up children.
Q: There was some talk in Washington state about putting warning labels about spousal abuse on marriage licenses--
A: Oh, that's nonsense.
Q: If you were going to put some kind of warning label for women on the box that is marriage, what would it say?
A: I wouldn't put a warning. Not even hypothetically. I would say this is a great opportunity and what you do with it is your whole adulthood. This is the central relationship of adulthood.
There's you, there's your husband, and there's the marriage, and all three need to be taken care of.
Labels: marriage
A good marriage
A good marriage is a commitment between a man and a woman, and this commitment includes love, pleasure tolerance and relaxation, but do you know how to have a good marriage? A good start is the honeymoon. Most couples like to spend their honeymoon abroad. They like to go to places where they can find worm beaches, luxury hotels and restaurants and shopping malls. This way is very helpful to make the couple�s love grow up very fast, and to give the couple a good chance to know eac
. . .
The husband can say to his wife that she is more beautiful than the flowers or she is everything in his life, and these few words can change their life in a better way forever. We also should not forget that the wife should present some expensive gifts to her husband like perfumes and clothes. The couple should discover the best way that will support their marriage to become a good and comfortable marriage. One word and only one word from the husband or from the wife is fare enough to strengthen their love. Specially when there is a fight between the couple. The husband can present for his lovely wife: jewelry, perfumes, clothes and flowers. These small gifts are very helpful to forget what happened. There are a lot of ways to have a good marriage, but we should not forget that both the husband and the wife should acclimate with each other, and they must learn how to forgive each other because we are just human and we make a lot of mistakes. In my opinion, gifts are very important. h other, and when they know each other well they will know how to forgive each other. The most effective way is using the nice sweet words. Other people think that gifts are very important to have a good marriage. This gift from him will make their life full with pleasure and happiness
Labels: marriage
Happy Marriages, Do They Exist?
The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts
by Judith S. Wallerstein, Sandra Blakeslee
Chapter 1
ON A RAW SPRING MORNING in 199l, I shared my earliest thoughts about this book with a group of some one hundred professional women-all friends and colleagues-who meet each month to discuss our works in progress.
“I'm interested in learning about good marriages-about what makes a marriage succeed,” I said cheerfully. “As far as our knowledge is concerned, a happy marriage might as well be the dark side of the moon. And so I've decided to study a group of long-lasting marriages that are genuinely satisfying for both husband and wife.” I looked around the room at these attractive, highly educated women-women who had achieved success in our high-tech, competitive society and who appeared to have it all. “Would any of you, along with your husbands, like to volunteer as participants in the study?” I asked.
The room exploded with laughter.
I felt disturbed and puzzled by the group's reaction. Their laughter bore undertones of cynicism, nervousness, and disbelief, as if to say, “Surely you can't mean that happy marriage exists in the l990s. How could you possibly believe that?”
Many of the women in the group had been divorced. Some had remarried, but a good number remained single. Some had come to feel that marriage should not be taken all that seriously. “Happy marriage doesn't exist,” protested one woman, “so I'm going to get on with my life and not worry about it.” Yet when their sons and daughters decided to marry, these same women announced the marriages with great pride and accepted heartfelt rounds of congratulations from the others in the group. No one acknowledged the apparent contradictions involved.
When I pondered the meaning of their laughter later that night, I realized I had hit a raw nerve. For many, my innocent mention of a study of successful marriages seemed to strike below the well-defended surface, bringing to life buried images of love and intimacy. For a brief moment, I believe, the women had reconnected with passionate longings, only to confront again their disappointment that their wishes had not been fulfilled. And so they had laughed, dismissing their longings as illusory-vain hopes that could only lead to sorrow.
This duality of cynicism and hope is familiar to me, as it is to millions of men and women in America today. We share a profound sense of discomfort with the present state of marriage and family, even wondering sometimes if marriage as an institution can survive. At the same time, we share a deeply felt hope for our children that marriage will endure. I do not think this hope is misplaced.
We have been so preoccupied with divorce and crisis in the American family that we have failed to notice the good marriages that are all around us and from which we can learn. In today's world it's easy to become overwhelmed by problems that seem to have no solution. But we can shape our lives at home, including our relationships with our children and marriage itself. The home is the one place where we have the potential to create a world that is to our own liking; it is the last place where we should feel despair. As never before in history, men and women today are free to design the kind of marriage they want, with their own rules and expectations.
Fortunately, many young people have not yet become cynical and are still able to speak directly from the heart. After spending some wonderful hours talking to college students about their views of marriage, I received the next day a letter from Randolph Johnson, a twenty-one-year-old senior at the University of California in Santa Cruz. He wrote: “What I want in a wife is someone whom I know so well that she is a part of who I am and I of her. Someone to fill all that I am not but aspire to be. My wife is someone not just to share a life with but to build a life with. This is what marriage is to me, the sharing of two lives to complete each other. It is true that people change, but if people can change together then they need not grow apart.”
Randolph speaks for a new generation that is still capable of optimism about love and marriage and “the sharing of two lives to complete each other.” He also speaks for a society that is tired to death of the war on marriage, escalating divorce rates, and the search for new partners in middle age. All of us want a different world for our children. When we're honest, we want it for ourselves.
It is absurd, in fact, to suggest that the need for enduring love and intimacy in marriage is passe. The men and women I've seen in twenty-five years of studying divorce begin actively searching for a new relationship even before the divorce is final. In every study in which Americans are asked what they value most in assessing the quality of their lives, marriage comes first-ahead of friends, jobs, and money. In our fast-paced world men and women need each other more, not less. We want and need erotic love, sympathetic love, passionate love, tender, nurturing love all of our adult lives. We desire friendship, compassion, encouragement, a sense of being understood and appreciated, not only for what we do but for what we try to do and fail at. We want a relationship in which we can test our half-baked ideas without shame or pretense and give voice to our deepest fears. We want a partner who sees us as unique and irreplaceable.
A good marriage can offset the loneliness of life in crowded cities and provide a refuge from the hammering pressures of the competitive workplace. It can counter the anomie of an increasingly impersonal world, where so many people interact with machines rather than fellow workers. In a good marriage each person can find sustenance to ease the resentment we all feel about having to yield to other people's wishes and rights. Marriage provides an oasis where sex, humor, and play can flourish.
Finally, a man and woman in a good, lasting marriage with children feel connected with the past and have an interest in the future. A family makes an important link in the chain of human history. By sharing responsibility for the next generation, parents can find purpose and a strengthened sense of identity.
These rewards take root in the soil of a strong, stable marriage. But, surprisingly, we know very little about what makes such a marriage.
As a psychologist who has been studying the American family for most of my professional life, I have observed many changes in relationships between men and women and in society's attitudes about marriage and children. In 1980 I founded a large research and clinical center in the San Francisco Bay Area, where my colleagues and I have seen thousands of men, women, and children from families going through first or second divorces. Presently I am conducting a twenty-five-year follow-up of sixty couples who underwent divorce in 1971, with an emphasis on the lives of their 131 children, who are now grown and involved in their own marriages and divorces.
These young men and women, whom I have been interviewing at regular intervals as part of the longest study ever done on divorce, provide unique insights into its long-term effects on the American family. I have seen a great many children who, ten and fifteen years after their parents' divorce, are still struggling with unhappiness. On the threshold of adulthood, they are still in the shadow of that event. I am poignantly aware of how unfamiliar these children are with the kinds of relationships that exist in a happy family. Many tell me that they have never seen a good marriage.
I'm also concerned about the many men and women who remain lonely and sad years after a divorce. I'm doubly worried about the high divorce rate in second marriages with children, which compounds the suffering for everyone. I am sometimes criticized for being overly pessimistic about the long-term effects of divorce, but my observations are drawn from the real world. Only if you see the children and parents of divorce day in and day out can you understand what the statistics mean in human terms.
I want to make it clear that I am not against divorce. I am deeply aware of how wretched a bad marriage can be and of the need for the remedy of divorce. But divorce by itself does not improve the institution of marriage. Some people learn from sad experience to choose more carefully the second time around. Others do not. Many never get a true second chance.
In the past twenty years, marriage in America has undergone a profound, irrevocable transformation, driven by changes in women's roles and the heightened expectations of both men and women. Without realizing it, we have crossed a marital Rubicon. For the first time in our history, the decision to stay married is purely voluntary. Anyone can choose to leave at any time-and everyone knows it, including the children. There used to be only two legal routes out of marriage -adultery and abandonment. Today one partner simply has to say,
for whatever reason, I want out.” Divorce is as simple as a trip to the nearest courthouse
Each year two million adults and a million children in this country are newly affected by divorce. One in two American marriages ends in divorce, and one in three children can expect to experience their parents' divorce. This situation has powerful ripple effects that touch us all. The sense that relationships are unstable affects the family next door, the people down the block, the other children in the classroom. Feelings of intense anxiety about marriage permeate the consciousness of all young men and women on the threshold of adulthood. At every wedding the guests wonder, privately, will this marriage last? The bride and groom themselves may question why they should marry, since it's likely to break up.
To understand how our social fabric has been transformed, think of marriage as an institution acted upon by centripetal forces pulling inward and centrifugal forces pulling outward. In times past the centripetal forces-law, tradition, religion, parental influence-exceeded those that could pull a marriage apart, such as infidelity, abuse, financial disaster, failed expectations, or the lure of the frontier. Nowadays the balance has changed. The weakened centripetal forces no longer exceed those that tug marriages apart.
In today's marriages, in which people work long hours, travel extensively, and juggle careers with family, more forces tug at the relationship than ever before. Modern marriages are battered by the demands of her workplace as well as his, by changing community values, by anxiety about making ends meet each month, by geographical moves, by unemployment and recession, by the vicissitudes of child care, and by a host of other issues.
Marriage counselors like to tell their clients that there are at least six people in every marital bed-the couple and both sets of parents. I'm here to say that a crazy quilt of conflicting personal values and shifting social attitudes is also in that bed. The confusion over roles and the indifference of the community to long-term conjugal relationships are there, as are the legacies of a self-absorbed, me-first, feminist-do-or-die' male-backlash society. The ease of divorce and changing attitudes about the permanence of marriage have themselves become centrifugal forces.
Our great unacknowledged fear is that these potent outside forces will overwhelm the human commitment that marriage demands and that marriage as a lasting institution will cease for most people. We are left with a crushing anxiety about the future of marriage and about the men and women within it.
My study of divorce has inevitably led me to think deeply about marriage. Just as people who work with the dying worry about death, those of us who work with troubled marriages are constantly forced to look at our own relationships. So I have carefully taken note of my marriage and those of my three grown children. As our fiftieth wedding anniversary approaches, I have thought long and hard about what my husband and I have done to protect our marriage. Why have we been able to love each other for so many years? Did we begin differently from those who divorced? Did we handle crises differently? Or were we just lucky? What have I learned that I can pass on to my children and my grandchildren?
I certainly have not been happy all through each year of my marriage. There have been good times and bad, angry and joyful moments, times of ecstasy and times of quiet contentment. But I would never trade my husband, Robert, for another man. I would not swap my marriage for any other. This does not mean that I find other men unattractive, but there is all the difference in the world between a passing fancy and a life plan. For me, there has always been only one life plan, the one I have lived with my husband. But why is this so? What makes some marriages work while others fail?
Labels: marriage
Strengthening a Marriage
By Ernest Kovacs, MD
Marital therapy can best be understood as the attempt by a therapist to join together with a couple in a joint project to change certain patterns in the couple's relationship. This is no easy task and requires the desire and commitment to change on the part of all participants. However, we must begin with an effort to define just what it is that makes for a good marriage. Tolstoy said that all happy marriages are happy in the same way, but that each unhappy marriage is unhappy in its own particular way. What this has meant to me is that there is a fairly simple formula for a happy marriage but that unhappy marriages are fraught with complicated personal and interpersonal problems. For the marital therapist, it is essential to identify those aspects of a marriage that deviate from the underlying basics of the good marriage.
WHAT MAKES A GOOD MARRIAGE
Identifying the elements of a good marriage is no easy feat. As we all know, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, and a particular individual can only define happiness, for herself or himself. No one can ever define happiness for another individual. This reminds me of the joke about two psychiatrists meeting on the street, greeting one another with "So how am I today?". It's a joke!! No one can tell you how you are. Only you know how you are doing in life. Nonetheless, there are some basic ideas we have about good relationships from many years of clinical experience and observation.
The most essential feature of the good marriage has to do with disappointment and failure. You may ask how can this be true? Happy marriages are supposed to be happy! Yes, this is true, BUT, we all know that into every life a little rain must fall, we all must deal with disappointment and failure at various times in our lives. Even if we are living happy lives, we must be prepared for the inevitable challenges and stresses we meet along the way, and have the ability to cope with the problems as they occur. The most important characteristic of the good marriage is the desire, and the ability, to establish a strong affectionate bond to your partner and then to be able to repair that bond whenever the inevitable disruptions to that bond occur. No marriage exists without its ups and downs. It is the ability to recover from the downs, to meet the challenge, and go on in harmony, re-established in the partnership of affectionate bonding that brought the two of you together in the first place, which makes a good marriage.
This ability is no simple matter. It takes a solid sense of oneself, the capacity to put yourself in your partner's shoes to really understand her or him, the willingness to share the power in the relationship and the commitment to communicate clearly and freely, and considerately with each other. These skills develop from the respect we have for the other person's point of view, their perspective and their needs. We need to have a real appreciation for the differences between our partners and ourselves. This kind of respect leads to an increased sense of closeness, acceptance and empowerment. When this situation exists we have a good marriage made of two people with a deep commitment to themselves as strong individuals and a deep commitment to each other. Such people have the security within themselves, and the security in knowing that their partner values their perspective, to communicate with each other in a meaningful way.
MARITAL THERAPY
In marital therapy the therapist will spend the initial meetings getting to know each of the partners thoroughly, including many details of how they view themselves and each other, as well as many facts relating to the families they grew up in. Many of us learn about relationships and patterns of marriage from our parents. We learn from how they related to us as individuals and from how they related to each other in their own marriages. As it turns out, both of these sources of "knowledge" have strong long-term effects on how we establish and live out our own adult relationships.
In working with a couple, the therapist tries to sort out the patterns from their past which are interfering with the healthy development of a close and meaningful relationship between the partners. Sometimes this can be a fairly simple educational process, but at other times it involves a difficult coming to terms with long held beliefs that have proven to be ineffective and at times destructive. In this process each partner gets to learn a good deal more about themselves and each other. If handled properly and considerately, each person can learn to be more understanding and caring.
There are many factors that go into the making of an unhappy marriage, including the occurrence of a serious mental illness in one or both of the partners. In these situations it is most important to treat the underlying mental illness as well, in order to keep the focus on the interpersonal issues that may even be aggravating or contributing to the mental illness. As you can imagine, these situations can become very complex and require the patience and willingness on everyone's part to carefully examine all factors and develop plans for constructive change.
In the end, each partner needs to define themselves and their relationship for themselves. With this knowledge they can communicate openly and considerately with their partner in an effort to find a common ground for the relationship. If they are successful in this regard they will have succeeded in overcoming a difficult crisis in their relationship, and be stronger for it.
Labels: marriage
