My story is long

My story is long but I will make it as short as I can. My parents became separated when I was just a toddler, and I never got to see my father. During that time I longed to have him back and to me it was a miracle when my parents got back together when I was eight. I became obsessed with being the perfect little girl because I thought it would make him not go away again. My mom worked nights at a bar, so it was easy for him when he came into my room at night to sexually abuse me, and I was so desperate for his love that I did whatever he wanted no matter how much I hated it. To me, he was a hero, and nothing could make me think badly of him. When I was twelve my parents divorced, and I told the judge I wanted to stay with my father, so he was given custody of me, with two weekends a month at my mother's house. My dad did not stay employed for long, and we were always very poor, now especially because my mom's income was gone. So he began to sell me. The first time, I had no idea what was happening. He dressed me up and put a bunch of make-up on my face and even on my nipples. He told me his friend was coming over for a visit. When the knock on the door came, he told me to answer it. The man on the other side gave me a quick kiss on the mouth and went to say some stuff to my father. I just sat on the couch, a bit confused, until my father told me to go into my bedroom. Soon the man opened the door and came inside and started talking to me. I just nodded at what he was saying and he started to take off my clothes. This was not my father so I did not feel any need to just let it happen and I started screaming and kicking. The man held me down easily and started tearing off my clothes. My father ran in and started yelling at me, but I didn't hear him over my own screams, so they both held me down and the man raped me. After I heard the man say that he wouldn't pay as much because he was told it would be easy. When he left, my dad beat me. It was the first and only time he had ever beat me. He withheld food and drink from me for two days saying that I had to make up the money he had lost because of me. As well, he started raping me himself. Up until that point, he had sexually abused me, but never gone so far as raping me. Now that I was no longer a virgin I was lessened in his eyes, and he began to call me a sl*t and a wh*re and that I wanted everything he did. Soon after, other men began to come, and I never fought them. I became this blank shell of a person. there were often slow periods, where my father had trouble finding buyers, and when that happened he would truss me up and take me "for a walk" in a seedy area of the city. Men, and even one woman, who would be interested, seemed to instinctively know what I was, and what my father was doing. I saw many transactions go through with almost no words being said. I very quickly turned to drugs and alcohol and became a huge mess of a little girl. The thing that would save me was the very thing that should have destroyed me. At age fifteen, I became pregnant. The father may have been my own father, or any one of the clients, I will never know. Many of my clients drifted away, not because they were turned off by pregnancy, quite the opposite, but because they were wary of being associated with a pregnant minor. With only a few buyers left, my father became angry and aggressive, but after eight months I gave birth to Samantha. Even after the birth, many clients did not return, and my father became worse. After a few months, I stood up for myself for the first time and refused to let a client rape me. They held me down and it happened anyway, but afterwards he punched Sam in one of his rages, causing me to take her to the hospital. When the nurses asked me how she was injured, I told them my father had hit her. When I was released, I went to my mother's to live, even though we had become very estranged. I took my father to court over his abuse of Sam, but because I didn't say a word of what happened to me, he got off very lightly. Soon after, I found out that when he punched Sam, he had rendered her almost completely deaf. I am twenty four now, and it has been eight years since the last time I was raped, but the hell is still alive in my head. Sometimes I see my father, or I think I see one of the men who raped me over the years, and I break down. But I feel that my story is an important one, because even today child prostitution is a topic people simply don't address, even on child sexual abuse web sites, but it still exists, and people need to be aware.
by Melodyon 8 Dec 2004

Labels: My story is long

posted by Robert Heard at 8:06 AM