I don't really even know why I chose to tell my story......

I don't really even know why I chose to tell my story, especially since it's so confusing, but I'm going to try. Maybe someone out there can help me make sense of it all. My mom worked when I was a kid, so my sister and I stayed with a baby-sitter who also had 3 kids of her own. One of her kids was a girl a few months older than myself. She and I became friends and spent quite a bit of time together. One day, she and I were in her room with the door closed. She asked me if I knew how to French-kiss. Since she was my friend, I told her that I didn't know. She said she knew how and that she wanted to show me how. Of course, I was about 8 at the time and didn't think anything of it, but it felt kinda weird and I wasn't very comfortable with the whole thing. She told me that I had to keep it a secret. This happened more and more, and it eventually escalated to touching, fondling, and even re-enacting the lovemaking scenes in movies that she managed to get a hold of. Although I am unable to remember all that went on between the ages of 8 and 11, I do remember that most of the contact was initiated by her; on occasion, she would ask me to initiate the acts. I wouldn't want to, but she told me several times that if I didn't, she would tell my mom all about it. Finally, the family moved away, but my mom and her mom, having no clue about anything, would arrange for me to go over to their new house and spend a week. That whole week that I was with them, I was very uncomfortable because she still wanted to do all of that stuff, and I knew that it wasn't right. So I went along with it, and hoped that I didn't have to go back. Fortunately, I never went back after that. Even though I was still quite young and had never heard of molestation before, I still considered her a friend and we even talked on the phone a couple of times after a few years. I know that those experiences greatly affected my life. Where boyfriends have been concerned, intimacy of any kind has been an issue. I know that when I get married, it still may be an issue. I just want to have a normal sex life and I'm afraid that I won't now. I don't even know if I qualify as a virgin anymore, that's how confused I am. As my low point in this whole thing, a few months ago, I had phone sex with a guy I met in a chat room. I'm having problems forgiving myself, problems forgiving her, and the funny thing is, I don't know if I have anything to forgive myself for. I need some help getting through this...pray for me. Thanks for reading this.
by Stephanieeon 19 Aug 2005

Labels: I don't really even know why I chose to tell my story......

posted by Robert Heard at 5:25 AM