I'm not sure my story belongs here, but I feel like I can't supress these feelings any longer

I'm not sure my story belongs here, but I feel like I can't supress these feelings any longer. I have been wondering whether I have ever been sexually abused for about five years--since I was in 12. Over the years, these feelings have not subsided, they have only gotten worse. It started when I was at the movies one day with one of my friends. They showed a preview for this movie that I found to be somewhat disturbing. There was this scene from the movie they showed where a guy was slowly backing a girl against a wall, asking her to "let him hold her." The girl starts screaming...and that's all they showed of that part of the movie. When I saw that, I got this strange feeling in my stomach...it's very hard to describe, but I hate the way it feels. Ever since then, I'll get that feeling whenever I see on tv, or hear about sexual abuse. Sometimes when that feeling hits me really hard, I can sometimes feel it in my fingertips, and I sometimes find it hard to breathe. I've been seeing a therapist for some time now. My mom sent me because of my habbit of cutting. A few months went by before my therapist asked me if I had ever been sexually abused, and I repeatedly tell her no, but she keeps bringing it up. Whenever she mentions it my heart races and I just shut down. I don't want to talk about it with her, or anyone really, but I think it might be time to tell someone. I've been having these memories come back to me. I remember being in fifth grade, playing with my stuffed animals in a rather sexual way. I remember my mom telling me not to touch my baby brother when I was little...I was only four. I remember being six years old and undressing my younger cousin. I can't remember what happened, but the last thing was him running down the stairs crying. I quickly put my clothes back on just in time before my aunt (my cousin's mom) came up the stairs to ask me what happened. She was so mad, and I was so scared. I'm terrified of the possibility that I hurt him in any way. I love him so much, and I was just a little girl, I didn't know what I was doing. But then I wonder...if I really did do something to him...where did I learn it from? All these thoughts keep circling in my mind, and I feel like I'll go insane if I don't tell someone. If anyone out there would like to e-mail me and tell me what they think, I would greatly appreciate it. Everyone here has so much courage and strength, and I wish everyone the best. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this.
by Alyceon 12 Dec 2004

Labels: but I feel like I can't supress these feelings any longer, I'm not sure my story belongs here

posted by Robert Heard at 9:28 AM