How Working Moms Can Have a Happy Marriage
Don't Groan, Date Night Really Does Build a Happy Marriage
By Katherine Lewis, About.com
After working all day, feeding the family, cleaning the kitchen and putting the kids to bed, the last thing on your mind is how to build a happy marriage. But a happy marriage is the foundation for your family's well-being. It deserves your attention.
If you take a few minutes every day to focus on keeping your marriage happy, everyone will be better off -- including you.
Date Night Works
It's the oldest piece of advice for a reason -- date night really helps keep your marriage happy. You don't need to have a standing babysitter every Friday night, like Barack and Michelle Obama, but you must devote one-on-one time to your spouse on a regular basis.
The work of raising children and supporting a family is all consuming. It's easy for your marriage to become an afterthought. When you have a regular time set aside, you're forced to build that connection.
If you're concerned about the cost of child care for a weekly date night, get creative. Can you ask a neighbor to sit in your house during the kids' nap on Saturday afternoon so you can get out for coffee as a couple?
Or consider having a regular date morning -- breakfast after the kids get on the school bus. You can negotiate flexible hours at work to accommodate arriving an hour late. As a bonus, you'll be alert and fresh. You may even find conversation flows more easily and you have more energy for your spouse compared with dinner at the end of a long week.
Think of Your Spouse First
Imagine if every morning you woke up asking, "How can I make my husband's day as special and wonderful as possible?" And if he woke asking the same question? You'd be guaranteed a happy marriage.
Now I realize that's not a realistic daily occurrence. We so often wake up thinking, "Is it my turn to bring snack for soccer practice?" But if you at least try to put your spouse or partner first, and he does the same for you, you'll be a step ahead.
And those times when you each think of the other first? It's as beautiful a moment as reading a classic O. Henry story.
Communicate With Words
A happy marriage would be simple if we all could read minds. Unfortunately, my husband communicates best by hearing words that I speak. I'm betting yours does too.
Don't expect your spouse to guess why you're upset or to know what will help you. You have to ask for what you need, whether it's time alone or a big hug or for him to pick up his dirty socks from the floor.
Trust me, he'll thank you for spelling out the solution to your bad mood. He loves you more than anyone in the world -- he wants to fix the problem.
When you ask for what you need, whether it's emotional support or household chores, it helps to use the manners mama taught you. The same request comes off very differently if it's done with a smile and a hug, as opposed to a whiny tone or angry face.
Say Thank You and Sorry
And while I'm on the topic, many a marriage has been saved by a well-timed apology. Even if you don't think you did anything wrong, can't you honestly say that you're sorry to see your spouse so upset?
When your partner is furious or hurt, the most important thing is to hear his anger. Don't get defensive and launch into explanations. Let him know you are listening by giving the gift of empathy. It won't kill you to say "I'm sorry," and it may just take the wind out of his sails. Certainly, it allows him to admit he might have been in the wrong also.
And when your husband does something special for you, even if you had to ask for it, make sure to say thank you. There are other much-appreciated ways to reward a man, so consider one of those too.
Touch Each Other
That brings us to the bedroom. Yes, a fulfilling sex life is an integral part of many happy marriages. But just as important are the hugs, kisses and casual touches that remind you of the time when you met and fell in love. Before kids, before the mortgage, before the bills.
When you're raising babies and young children, their physical demands can be exhausting, especially for moms. So you need to make a conscious decision to save some energy for a physical connection with your husband too -- even if it means leaving the laundry or the email or the thank you notes for another day.
You may not be in the mood. You may feel uncomfortable with your post-baby body. But if you start to let your sex life slide, you can quickly become little more than roommates with the man who was once the love of your life. And you may find that once you start feeling romantic and enjoying intimacy again, you tap into your pre-mommyhood libido.
Assume Good Intentions
Our society is so focused on grievance and complaint. It's easy to develop a narrative in your head about what your spouse has done wrong and how put upon you are.
Keeping mental lists of wrongdoing is a sure recipe for drama and turbulence in your home. Instead, try to think of a positive reason that he might have for acting the way he did.
Maybe he forgot to pick up the kids at daycare because he was working hard to support your family. Maybe he ignored your mother-in-law's nasty comment about working moms because he didn't hear it. Maybe he was going to get to the dirty dishes in the sink after the kids were asleep, and then he got distracted by the bills.
Your made-up explanation may not be the right one, but thinking through the alternatives gives you space to imagine that there are valid reasons for his actions. The next step -- ask him what was going on. You can even have the conversation on date night!
Labels: happy marriage
Healthy Habits that Contribute to Happy Marriages
Healthy Habits that Contribute to Happy Marriages
When you see people in happy marriages and relationships, it's hard not to wonder what their secret is. Every couple has its own chemistry and protocol, but chances are they have made a concerted effort to make their relationship work well. Anything worth having requires hard work—and marriages are no exception. However, if couples begin to implement some healthy habits throughout the course of their relationship, chances are it will seem less like work and more like the best choice they ever made.
Here are some healthy habits that contribute to happy marriages:
Don't Misdirect Your Feelings
After spending your entire day at work or doing things with others, it can be quite easy to get in the habit of unloading on your spouse when you get home. Many people spend their days at work thinking about home, and vice-versa. It's important to remember that while your spouse is there to support you, they shouldn't be your emotional punching bag. If someone at work is getting to you, address the problem with them and don't take it out on your spouse. Don't hurt the ones you love; address the source of the problem.
Spend Time with Others
The idea of spending all of your time together is a huge obligation that many married couples can't fulfill. Don't get stuck on this idea; it is important to have other people in your life to talk to and spend time with. No one should ever have to carry the burden of sole friend and emotional cheerleader. Parcel off your feelings and concerns to various friends and family members—it will leave more time for the two of you to share your love and time together in a positive manner.
Share Quality Time
Another habit that many couples fall into is the day-to-day routine. While it's not possible to do something new and exciting all of the time, you can still spend some quality time with one another each day. Turn the television off, take a walk, or just enjoy each other's company in silence with a cup of tea. Every relationship is different, so do what feels right for you and your spouse.
Designate Time for Business Matters
Many people going through divorces cite financial problems as one of the main contributing factors to their marriage's demise. If you are experiencing tough financial times, there is a time and place to discuss these things. Instead of talking about problems and money—or any other business, for that matter—all of the time, designate time to discuss these issues.
You don't have to rehash things constantly for them to be real. Bringing it up all the time will only cause more distress. Sit down and discuss budgeting, spending limits, and any other matters of importance at a designated time. Once you have covered what needs to be done, you are free to get on with your lives together. This is a simple way to make sure that money and financial issues aren't the beginning of the end of your marriage.
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This post was contributed by Holly McCarthy, who writes on the subject of dating sites. She invites your feedback at hollymccarthy12 at gmail dot com
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Happy marriages and unhappy divorces
by Mona Charen
In the beginning was the myth that children were better off if their unhappy parents divorced. "It's better to come from a broken home than to live in one," they said. And millions of American parents separated. But after several decades had passed, researchers like Barbara Dafoe Whitehead and others showed that divorce was much worse for children than an unhappy home. Now, the Institute for American Values (www.americanvalues.org) has released a new study with some intriguing data about the effects of divorce on the unhappy couples themselves. It seems that another great myth is about to tumble -- the myth that at least divorce makes unhappily married adults happier. Even this may not be true. According to the survey conducted by a team of family researchers, unhappily married adults who divorced were no happier five years after the divorce than were equally unhappy marrieds who remained together. And two-thirds of unhappily married people who remained married reported that their marriages were happy five years later. Even among those who had rated their marriages as "very unhappy," nearly 80 percent said they were happily married five years later. These were not merely bored or dissatisfied whiners. They had endured serious problems, including alcoholism, infidelity, verbal abuse, emotional neglect, depression, illness, and work and money troubles. Even more surprising, unhappy spouses who divorced actually showed slightly more depressive symptoms five years later than those who didn't. (They did, however, report more personal growth.) And, make of this what you will, the divorced sample reported a good deal more alcohol consumption than the married group. The Institute for American Values report is leavened with New Yorker cartoons. On the cover, a wife addresses her husband tenderly, "Sweetheart, I don't want anyone to make you unhappy except me." Another shows a woman shouting out an open window: "Wait! Come back! I was just kidding about wanting to be happy." The data show that if a couple is unhappy, the chances of their being happily married five years hence are 64 percent if they remain together but only 19 percent if they divorce and remarry. (The authors acknowledge that five years is a relatively short period and many divorced people will eventually remarry, some happily.) How did the unhappy couples turn their lives around? The study found three principal techniques. The first was endurance. Many couples do not so much solve their problems as transcend them. By taking one day at a time and pushing through their difficulties, many couples found that time itself often improved matters. Moreover, these couples maintained a negative view of the effects of divorce. "The grass is always greener," explained one husband, "but it's Astroturf." Others were more aggressive. Those the researchers labeled the "marital work ethic" types tackled their problems by arranging for more private time with one another, seeking counseling (from clergy or professionals), receiving help from in-laws or other relatives, or in some cases, threatening divorce or consulting a divorce lawyer. In the third category were the "personal happiness seekers" who found other ways to improve their overall contentment even if they could not markedly improve their marital happiness. Certainly the survey found some marriages that were impossible to save and some divorced couples who were happier than those who had remained married. That is as one would expect. But the most telling aspect of this research is the light it sheds on the importance of the attitude toward marriage. Those who enter marriage with a dim (some might say accurate) view of divorce and a strong religious or other motivation for avoiding it are not only less likely to divorce, they are also less likely to be unhappy. That is the arresting news here. We've known that commitment was good for the children of such marriages. And we've known that commitment was good for society. But until now, it was not clear that commitment actually made married couples themselves more likely to be happy. The capstone of this research is yet another New Yorker cartoon: A man stands with his arm around his wife's shoulders and explains to another couple, "Our divorce wasn't working."
Labels: happy marriage
Three Easy Tips to Help Build a Happy Marriage
It is part of the popular culture to make fun of how poorly marriages work. If I had a nickel for the number of times I’ve heard people complain about their spouses, I’d be an obscenely wealthy woman. Sometimes comments are made in jest, but usually, they’re tinged with a degree of hopelessness and suffering.
This does not need to be the case. My husband and I have been married for over twelve years. The first several years were difficult. But then, we searched for experts in marriage from which to learn. Since that time, our marriage has flowered into a powerful, harmonious partnership. Today, we’re more in love than ever and we’re enjoying the fruits of our labor in creating a great marriage.
Here are several tips to help you build a happy marriage. I hope they will help you as much as they helped us. Before you go on, here’s a hint about this information: Let it sink in. The things we’ve learned are powerful and become more so the more you work with them. Let them slowly re-train you to think about your marriage differently.
Tip #1 to Build a Happy Marriage: Grow Personally – Weren’t we suppose to be talking about marriage? Yes, we were. But a happy marriage begins with happy people. Many people aren’t happy in their lives and they expect a marriage to make them happy. This is not a healthy expectation. Marriage cannot make an unhappy person happy. It just can’t. And the more we rely on marriage to do that, the more we’ll destroy our marriage with unrealistic expectations.
Each spouse in a marriage needs to take on living a happy life and bringing happiness to the marriage. The best way to do this is to take on growing as a person. I’ve found that usually, one spouse takes this one first, then the other follows. If you’re the one to start the ball rolling in this arena, don’t complain. Someone has to start, it might as well be you. Another time, your spouse will initiate the positive action.
Begin by improving an aspect of your life that is important to you, then go on to whatever is next. Soon, you’ll find that your spouse is inspired to do the same thing.
Tip #2 to Build a Happy Marriage – Realize that You Don’t Need Your Spouse – What? Am I crazy? No. I’m not crazy. You don’t need one another. You already have all that you need. The silly saying of “you complete me” gives off the wrong impression. We’re each complete. Can you imagine what a setup this “you complete me” expectation is for a marriage? This often puts one spouse into the position of neediness and the other spouse in a position of obligation. Powerful marriages are built on something other than the needy/obligated model.
Any strong marriage, that takes on the proportions of true partnership, must go through a phase where each spouse realizes that they are strong people, able of creating a great life for themselves. This puts the marriage into the context of something that we freely choose to do, rather than a net that we’re caught up in. When we realize this, we become more responsible for creating our marriage. When this occurs, we’re generous, forgiving, and compassionate because we choose to be in the relationship.
Tip #3 to Build a Happy Marriage – Be Disciplined About What You Think About – Most of us carry around our worries and concerns so that they are foremost in our minds at all times. When this is the case, days can go by when we don’t even notice our spouse at more than a superficial level. When this happens, people remark that they become roommates with their spouse and they don’t love each other any more. This is not because they really don’t love one another, it is often because they haven’t put any concentrated effort into spending conscious time with each other.
Upon the advice of our marriage expert, my husband and I practiced putting aside our worries of the day each evening when we’d spend time together. At first, this was difficult and we found that there were certain issues that we couldn’t let go of. When this was the case, we’d have to deal with those issues in a timely manner and then, we could go back to really enjoying our time together.
As we got better, it became natural for us to enjoy each other’s company. We made it a point to spend time developing our relationship and creating a strong marriage, rather than relying on simply living in the same house to keep us together
Labels: happy marriage
Women's Health
Good Night's Sleep Linked to Happy Marriage
New research has found that women in happy marriages tend to sleep more soundly than women in unhappy marriages, according to a report at an Associated Professional Sleep Societies meeting.
In fact, women with good marriages have about 10 percent greater odds of getting a decent night of shut-eye compared to women who are not happy with their spouse.
"Marriage can be good for your sleep if it's a happy one,” says the study's lead author, Wendy M. Troxel, Ph.D., at the University of Pittsburgh. “But, being in an unhappy marriage can be a risk factor for sleep disturbance."
Stress Can Lead to Poor Sleep
The million-dollar question, says Dr. Troxel, is which comes first - does the unhappy marriage lead to poor sleep, or does poor sleep contribute to a bad marriage?
"We have future studies planned, and we need to tease that out," she explains. "If you're not sleeping, you're more irritable, have lower frustration and tolerance levels, so it's possible that could affect the marriage.
"But we suspect it's in the other direction," that the bad marriage is affecting the quality of sleep because you're trying to sleep next to someone you may be fighting with, and that is stressful, she says.
"If you're stressed or anxious, it can have an effect on your sleep," agrees Dr. Ana Krieger, at New York University Sleep Disorders Center.
Dr. Troxel reviewed data on about 2,000 married women who participated in the Study of Women's Health Across the Nation (SWAN).
The women were an average age of 46 years. Just over half were Caucasian, 20 percent were African American, 9 percent were Hispanic, 9 percent were Chinese, and 11 percent were Japanese.
All of the women reported their sleep quality, the state of their marriage, how often they had difficulty falling asleep, if they stayed asleep, and how early they woke up.
Happily married women had less trouble getting to sleep, had fewer sleep complaints, had more restful sleep, and were less likely to wake up early or awaken in the middle of the night than women whose marriages were less than ideal.
Even after the researchers adjusted the data to account for other factors known to disturb sleep, the researchers found that happily married women still slept more soundly.
And, these findings appeared to hold up across racial lines. The only groups that the findings were not statistically significant for were Chinese and Japanese women, but Dr. Troxel suspects this may be because there were not as many Chinese or Japanese women in the study as Caucasian and African-American women.
"All marriages aren't created equal, and having a high quality marriage may be good for sleep, whereas an unhealthy marriage is a potent source of stress. You could be sleeping with the object of your hostility," Dr. Troxel says.
Marriage Therapy, Lifestyle Choices Help
If you have a lot of stress from your marriage or another source, such as your job, says Dr. Krieger, you need to try to fix the situation that is causing the anxiety.
If you cannot change the stressful situation, she recommends trying to change how you perceive the stress. Good ways to help you relax are meditation and yoga.
Dr. Troxel says that if you are in an unhappy marriage, marriage therapy - or individual therapy if your spouse will not attend therapy - can be helpful.
She also recommends practicing good sleep habits, such as going to bed at the same time and waking up at the same time every day.
Labels: happy marriage
Couples Therapy and Happy Marriages
Good communication is the key to happy relationships among other things. It is unfortunate that the divorce rate in the United States and worldwide too is on the rise. Couples therapy is aimed at resolving the problem between husband and wife so that they can lead a happy life devoid of serious conflicts and heated arguments. The therapist or the psychologist help the couple identify problem and suggest behavior and other amendments so that both partners are contented. Couples therapy is blend of education, mediation and psychotherapy.
The quality of communication between couples is the most crucial factor that distinguishes happy marriages from unhappy ones. The ability to communicate well also is the best indicator of relationship satisfaction and stability over time. In other words, the number of problems, individual personality traits or differences of opinion has nothing to do with happy or unhappy marriages. Instead, it is how couples talk about their problems and differences. Communication is the key, and it is believed that communication skills can easily be learned.
Each couple has their own problems; and during couples therapy, they identify the cause of the problems with the help of a psychologist. For example, if a couple argues a lot, during the sessions they are made to think the reasons of those arguments and then finding a resolve. The resolution could be changing the way they interact with each other or react to different situations or behavioral changes.
In couples therapy, couples learn how to identify destructive forms of communication and how to develop effective communication and problem-solving techniques. Couples learn how to use their creativity and resources to preserve the strength of their relationship while meeting the challenges that life brings. The couples are taught that listening to the other person is also equally important as speaking ones mind. They learn that they need to attain a common goal of happy marriage by sharing their problems and supporting each other.
Labels: happy marriage
Want a Happy Marriage? Be Nice, Don't Nitpick
By Jeanie Lerche Davis
Secrets of a Happy Marriage
Long-lasting, happy marriages have more than great communication, Boon says. "Dr. Gottman brings up something no one ever talks about—that irreconcilable differences are normal, that you just have to come to terms with them, not try to resolve the unresolvable. On some level, that should have been obvious, but it hasn't been," she tells WebMD.
Most marriage therapists focus on "active listening," which involves paraphrasing, validating, affirming your spouse's feedback, says Boon. "That's all well and good and may help you get through some conflicts in a less destructive way. But, as Dr. Gottman puts it, 'you're asking people to do Olympic-style gymnastics when they can hardly crawl.' Many people will fail at those techniques. Research indicates that most people are dissatisfied with the outcome of marital therapy, that the problems come back."
In happy marriages, Boon points out, couples don't do any of that!
Instead, you must be nice to your partner, research shows. Make small gestures, but make them often. "The little things matter," says Boon. "What a happy marriage is based on is deep friendship, knowing each other well, having mutual respect, knowing when it makes sense to try to work out an issue, when it is not solvable. Many kinds of issues simply aren't solvable."
Learn how to identify issues that must be resolved, that can be "fruitfully discussed," she notes. "Learn to live with the rest. Just put up with it. All you do is waste your breath and get angry over these things that can't be changed. You're better off not trying to change them. Work around them. Commit to staying together, even though this is something you don't like."
A long-lasting, happy marriage is about knowing your partner, being supportive, and being nice. Research shows that, "for every one negative thing you do, there must be five positive things that balance it out," Boon tells WebMD. "Make sure to balance the negatives with positives. Your marriage has to be heavily in favor of the positives."
While it sounds easy—and while it can be easy—this commitment to being nice is no small matter, Boon says. "You have to do nice things often. But it's harder to be nice when the heat is on, when you're really angry, or when something has happened for the 15th time. Nevertheless, the balance must be heavily, heavily stacked in the positive, to have a happy marriage."
Also, couples must stay in touch with their special ways of repairing the relationship, Boon says. "It can be humor; it can be whatever helps diffuse the escalating heat. In happy marriages, couples naturally do this. They deflect the anger, and get back on an even keel."
Labels: happy marriage
What makes for a happy marriage?
Mark Dombeck, Ph.D.
In order to best understand how a marriage can come apart, it is helpful first to understand some of the ways that healthy marriages are structured, and how they function.
Healthy marriage partners are compatible partners
In a marriage that is to stand the test of time, romance is important, but compatibility is critical. By and large, partners in healthy marriages come to agree upon common agendas regarding the directions their marriage will take, and the way each partner will behave. These common agreements may never have been discussed, but they will be present implicitly in how each partner chooses to act.
Areas of agreement that partners will have dealt with will generally include:
Friendship. Successful partners develop a significant friendship at the core of their relationship. They genuinely like one another, amuse and comfort one another, and prefer to spend time with each other. This friendship and mutual liking is somewhat separate from other aspects of the relationship (sexuality, for instance), and can survive the loss of these other aspects of the relationship. A strong friendship and mutual liking is often the basis for repair of troubled relationships.
Role expectations. The partners reach agreement with regard to how household responsibilities are divided and how they will behave towards each other. Traditionally, and still dominantly, the male or masculine-identified partner will take on the majority of financial obligations, while the female or feminine-identified partner will take on nurturing roles. Tradition has broken down significantly in the industrialized west over the last century, however, and it is not at all uncommon to find 'women' who take on financial obligations, 'men' who take on nurturing roles, or to find both partners sharing these roles to one degree or another. Failure to reach agreement with regard to roles can be a major source of conflict.
Emotional intimacy. Successful partners learn to trust each other, to be vulnerable with each other, to laugh together, and to support one another in times of need.
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Sexual expectations. Partners come to basic agreements as to how they will be sexual with each other. Frequently (traditionally) this means that they will be sexual with one another, and not with other people, but this is not necessarily the case. Sexual expectations may further dictate the kinds and patterns of sexual activities that each partner will and will not engage in. Coming to agreement with regard to sexuality can increase trust that couples feel for each other, and failure to reach agreement can be cause for conflict. As sexual activity is strongly rewarding and bonding for couples, it is best for marriages when partners agree upon sexual expectations and are both satisfied with their lovemaking.
Vision/Goals. Successful partners agree that they want to pursue the same life paths, values and goals and mutually commit to those paths, values and goals. Examples might include decisions to have children or not, to attend or not attend religious services, to raise a child in a particular faith, to save or spend money, or to live frugally or extravagantly, etc.
Successful marriages tend to be populated by partners who come to their marriage with pre-existing significant compatibilities (of personality, temperament, goals, etc.) that make it easier for them to reach agreement because they frequently end up wanting the same thing. They may share commonalities with regard to personality, temperament, or preferences for volatile or conflict-avoiding interactions, as well as goals, religious and ethical ideals, etc.
While these areas of agreement do tend to be present in healthy marriages, we should note that no marriage is perfect, and that many perfectly good marriages harbor disagreements with regard to some of the domains we've discussed. In general, however, the more domains you and your partner are in agreement on, the better are your chances for a healthy marriage.
Background factors play a minor role in determining marriage success.
Personality, temperament and goal compatibility is very important in determining whether a marriage will be strong. Other background factors are also important, however. Better marriages are reported by people who chose to marry later in life as opposed to younger, by people who recall being very intensely in love with their partners prior to getting married, and by people who maintain close family relationships and whose parents' approved of their marriage. Also, people identified with more traditional sex-role and religious values tend to report having higher quality marriages overall (although it isn't clear that such people aren't just reporting positive outcomes based on their desire to present themselves in a positive light). When all factors relating to marital adjustment are considered together, personality and life-goal compatibility seems to be of paramount importance, and background factors such as whether partners come from similar family, religious or economic backgrounds or whether they have similar dating histories appear to be of lessor importance.
Labels: happy marriage
5 Things Super-Happy Couples Do Every Day
Add page to favoritesBy Ty Wenger
We paw each other in public. We goof around like a pair of simpletons. We basically act like giddy newlyweds in the middle of happy hour. Sometimes we'll do something so revolting, like sitting on the couch and drawing smiley faces on the bottoms of each other's feet, that we're forced to make hacking, gagging noises to maintain our dignity. Actually, this happened just last week.
See, I told you it was disgusting.
It hasn't always been this way. In fact, I'm not ashamed to admit that our current marital bliss is the result of almost a year of counseling, a desperate effort undertaken several years ago, when we appeared destined for doom. What we learned then is something all happy couples eventually discover: A good marriage is a bit like a pet boa constrictor: either you feed it every day or bad things happen. Daily habits are extremely helpful in forging solid marriages, says couples therapist Tina Tessina, author of How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free. "If you're really interested in making your relationship work, little rituals are a great way to do it."
Want examples? Look no further than Tessina and her husband, Richard, who have developed an array of daily relationship builders during their 19 years of marriage: Every morning, they repeat their wedding vows to each other; they hold regular state-of-the-union meetings; and (my personal favorite) Tina routinely leaves Post-it Notes for Richard ("Hi, honey! Have a great day!") stuck to the underside of the toilet seat (think about it).
"Every marriage has what I call a relationship reservoir, or the stored-up emotional energy of the relationship," says Tessina. And although these daily habits are all very simple things, they help fill that reservoir. When there's a lot of positive energy there, you give each other a little pat on the butt or say, "I'm so glad I'm sharing my life with you," and you're storing it up. Then when the relationship is under stress, you'll have the energy you need to get through.
We asked happy couples across the United States to tell us about marriage-strengthening solutions they've developed. Try your hand at incorporating a few into your daily life and maybe you can be as ridiculously, embarrassingly, revoltingly happily married as I am.
CONTINUED: How to be revoltingly happily married >
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Characteristics of Happy Marriages
Consider the positive aspects of your marriage. What are you doing that works well? If you have a happy and satisfying marriage, chances are that your relationship has high levels of positivity, empathy, commitment, acceptance, love and respect. These are some of the characteristics that researchers have found to be common in successful marriages.
Let’s look at some of these factors. Research shows that successful spouses have far more positive than negative interactions. If there is too much criticizing, demanding, name-calling, holding grudges and similar negativity—the relationship will suffer. There are many ways to foster positivity in a marriage. Being affectionate, really listening to each other, taking joy in each other’s achievements and being playful are just a few examples.
Another characteristic is empathy, which means understanding another person’s perspective by putting yourself in their shoes. People are more likely to feel good about their marriage if their partner is empathetic. Successful marriages also involve commitment to the relationship. When two people are truly dedicated to making their marriage work, they are much more likely to have a lasting relationship. This means sometimes sacrificing your own preferences for the good of the relationship.
One of the most basic characteristics of a healthy marriage is acceptance of one another. When each partner feels like the other person accepts them for who they are, they are usually more secure and confident in the relationship. When one person tries to force change from the other, this is usually met with resistance. Research shows that change is more likely to occur when spouses respect and accept the differences.
Perhaps the most important component of a successful marriage is love and respect for one another. As time passes and life becomes more complex, the marriage often suffers. It is easy to lose touch with one another and neglect the romance that once came so easily. It is vital to continue to foster love and respect for one another in order for the marriage to have the strength to last.
Source: University of Missouri Extension GH 6610 "Creating a Strong and Satisfying Marriage"
Labels: happy marriage
Happy Marriages, Do They Exist?
The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts
by Judith S. Wallerstein, Sandra Blakeslee
Chapter 1
ON A RAW SPRING MORNING in 199l, I shared my earliest thoughts about this book with a group of some one hundred professional women-all friends and colleagues-who meet each month to discuss our works in progress.
“I'm interested in learning about good marriages-about what makes a marriage succeed,” I said cheerfully. “As far as our knowledge is concerned, a happy marriage might as well be the dark side of the moon. And so I've decided to study a group of long-lasting marriages that are genuinely satisfying for both husband and wife.” I looked around the room at these attractive, highly educated women-women who had achieved success in our high-tech, competitive society and who appeared to have it all. “Would any of you, along with your husbands, like to volunteer as participants in the study?” I asked.
The room exploded with laughter.
I felt disturbed and puzzled by the group's reaction. Their laughter bore undertones of cynicism, nervousness, and disbelief, as if to say, “Surely you can't mean that happy marriage exists in the l990s. How could you possibly believe that?”
Many of the women in the group had been divorced. Some had remarried, but a good number remained single. Some had come to feel that marriage should not be taken all that seriously. “Happy marriage doesn't exist,” protested one woman, “so I'm going to get on with my life and not worry about it.” Yet when their sons and daughters decided to marry, these same women announced the marriages with great pride and accepted heartfelt rounds of congratulations from the others in the group. No one acknowledged the apparent contradictions involved.
When I pondered the meaning of their laughter later that night, I realized I had hit a raw nerve. For many, my innocent mention of a study of successful marriages seemed to strike below the well-defended surface, bringing to life buried images of love and intimacy. For a brief moment, I believe, the women had reconnected with passionate longings, only to confront again their disappointment that their wishes had not been fulfilled. And so they had laughed, dismissing their longings as illusory-vain hopes that could only lead to sorrow.
This duality of cynicism and hope is familiar to me, as it is to millions of men and women in America today. We share a profound sense of discomfort with the present state of marriage and family, even wondering sometimes if marriage as an institution can survive. At the same time, we share a deeply felt hope for our children that marriage will endure. I do not think this hope is misplaced.
We have been so preoccupied with divorce and crisis in the American family that we have failed to notice the good marriages that are all around us and from which we can learn. In today's world it's easy to become overwhelmed by problems that seem to have no solution. But we can shape our lives at home, including our relationships with our children and marriage itself. The home is the one place where we have the potential to create a world that is to our own liking; it is the last place where we should feel despair. As never before in history, men and women today are free to design the kind of marriage they want, with their own rules and expectations.
Fortunately, many young people have not yet become cynical and are still able to speak directly from the heart. After spending some wonderful hours talking to college students about their views of marriage, I received the next day a letter from Randolph Johnson, a twenty-one-year-old senior at the University of California in Santa Cruz. He wrote: “What I want in a wife is someone whom I know so well that she is a part of who I am and I of her. Someone to fill all that I am not but aspire to be. My wife is someone not just to share a life with but to build a life with. This is what marriage is to me, the sharing of two lives to complete each other. It is true that people change, but if people can change together then they need not grow apart.”
Randolph speaks for a new generation that is still capable of optimism about love and marriage and “the sharing of two lives to complete each other.” He also speaks for a society that is tired to death of the war on marriage, escalating divorce rates, and the search for new partners in middle age. All of us want a different world for our children. When we're honest, we want it for ourselves.
It is absurd, in fact, to suggest that the need for enduring love and intimacy in marriage is passe. The men and women I've seen in twenty-five years of studying divorce begin actively searching for a new relationship even before the divorce is final. In every study in which Americans are asked what they value most in assessing the quality of their lives, marriage comes first-ahead of friends, jobs, and money. In our fast-paced world men and women need each other more, not less. We want and need erotic love, sympathetic love, passionate love, tender, nurturing love all of our adult lives. We desire friendship, compassion, encouragement, a sense of being understood and appreciated, not only for what we do but for what we try to do and fail at. We want a relationship in which we can test our half-baked ideas without shame or pretense and give voice to our deepest fears. We want a partner who sees us as unique and irreplaceable.
A good marriage can offset the loneliness of life in crowded cities and provide a refuge from the hammering pressures of the competitive workplace. It can counter the anomie of an increasingly impersonal world, where so many people interact with machines rather than fellow workers. In a good marriage each person can find sustenance to ease the resentment we all feel about having to yield to other people's wishes and rights. Marriage provides an oasis where sex, humor, and play can flourish.
Finally, a man and woman in a good, lasting marriage with children feel connected with the past and have an interest in the future. A family makes an important link in the chain of human history. By sharing responsibility for the next generation, parents can find purpose and a strengthened sense of identity.
These rewards take root in the soil of a strong, stable marriage. But, surprisingly, we know very little about what makes such a marriage.
As a psychologist who has been studying the American family for most of my professional life, I have observed many changes in relationships between men and women and in society's attitudes about marriage and children. In 1980 I founded a large research and clinical center in the San Francisco Bay Area, where my colleagues and I have seen thousands of men, women, and children from families going through first or second divorces. Presently I am conducting a twenty-five-year follow-up of sixty couples who underwent divorce in 1971, with an emphasis on the lives of their 131 children, who are now grown and involved in their own marriages and divorces.
These young men and women, whom I have been interviewing at regular intervals as part of the longest study ever done on divorce, provide unique insights into its long-term effects on the American family. I have seen a great many children who, ten and fifteen years after their parents' divorce, are still struggling with unhappiness. On the threshold of adulthood, they are still in the shadow of that event. I am poignantly aware of how unfamiliar these children are with the kinds of relationships that exist in a happy family. Many tell me that they have never seen a good marriage.
I'm also concerned about the many men and women who remain lonely and sad years after a divorce. I'm doubly worried about the high divorce rate in second marriages with children, which compounds the suffering for everyone. I am sometimes criticized for being overly pessimistic about the long-term effects of divorce, but my observations are drawn from the real world. Only if you see the children and parents of divorce day in and day out can you understand what the statistics mean in human terms.
I want to make it clear that I am not against divorce. I am deeply aware of how wretched a bad marriage can be and of the need for the remedy of divorce. But divorce by itself does not improve the institution of marriage. Some people learn from sad experience to choose more carefully the second time around. Others do not. Many never get a true second chance.
In the past twenty years, marriage in America has undergone a profound, irrevocable transformation, driven by changes in women's roles and the heightened expectations of both men and women. Without realizing it, we have crossed a marital Rubicon. For the first time in our history, the decision to stay married is purely voluntary. Anyone can choose to leave at any time-and everyone knows it, including the children. There used to be only two legal routes out of marriage -adultery and abandonment. Today one partner simply has to say,
for whatever reason, I want out.” Divorce is as simple as a trip to the nearest courthouse
Each year two million adults and a million children in this country are newly affected by divorce. One in two American marriages ends in divorce, and one in three children can expect to experience their parents' divorce. This situation has powerful ripple effects that touch us all. The sense that relationships are unstable affects the family next door, the people down the block, the other children in the classroom. Feelings of intense anxiety about marriage permeate the consciousness of all young men and women on the threshold of adulthood. At every wedding the guests wonder, privately, will this marriage last? The bride and groom themselves may question why they should marry, since it's likely to break up.
To understand how our social fabric has been transformed, think of marriage as an institution acted upon by centripetal forces pulling inward and centrifugal forces pulling outward. In times past the centripetal forces-law, tradition, religion, parental influence-exceeded those that could pull a marriage apart, such as infidelity, abuse, financial disaster, failed expectations, or the lure of the frontier. Nowadays the balance has changed. The weakened centripetal forces no longer exceed those that tug marriages apart.
In today's marriages, in which people work long hours, travel extensively, and juggle careers with family, more forces tug at the relationship than ever before. Modern marriages are battered by the demands of her workplace as well as his, by changing community values, by anxiety about making ends meet each month, by geographical moves, by unemployment and recession, by the vicissitudes of child care, and by a host of other issues.
Marriage counselors like to tell their clients that there are at least six people in every marital bed-the couple and both sets of parents. I'm here to say that a crazy quilt of conflicting personal values and shifting social attitudes is also in that bed. The confusion over roles and the indifference of the community to long-term conjugal relationships are there, as are the legacies of a self-absorbed, me-first, feminist-do-or-die' male-backlash society. The ease of divorce and changing attitudes about the permanence of marriage have themselves become centrifugal forces.
Our great unacknowledged fear is that these potent outside forces will overwhelm the human commitment that marriage demands and that marriage as a lasting institution will cease for most people. We are left with a crushing anxiety about the future of marriage and about the men and women within it.
My study of divorce has inevitably led me to think deeply about marriage. Just as people who work with the dying worry about death, those of us who work with troubled marriages are constantly forced to look at our own relationships. So I have carefully taken note of my marriage and those of my three grown children. As our fiftieth wedding anniversary approaches, I have thought long and hard about what my husband and I have done to protect our marriage. Why have we been able to love each other for so many years? Did we begin differently from those who divorced? Did we handle crises differently? Or were we just lucky? What have I learned that I can pass on to my children and my grandchildren?
I certainly have not been happy all through each year of my marriage. There have been good times and bad, angry and joyful moments, times of ecstasy and times of quiet contentment. But I would never trade my husband, Robert, for another man. I would not swap my marriage for any other. This does not mean that I find other men unattractive, but there is all the difference in the world between a passing fancy and a life plan. For me, there has always been only one life plan, the one I have lived with my husband. But why is this so? What makes some marriages work while others fail?
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Labels: happy marriage
Five Secrets of a Happy Marriage: Essential Marriage Tips from Real Therapists
To feel loved and nurtured, we must believe deep down that our partner is really there for us. That sounds simple, but it's far more complicated than most couples realize. Although Sally and Gary insisted that they were being attentive, they had difficulty being empathetic. That's significant: Marital researchers have found that couples who help each other weather stressful situations outside the marriage have stronger, happier relationships than those who can't.
The key is empathy. Empathy isn't the same as sympathy or pity. It means being able to put yourself in another's position, to feel what they feel and see what they see, without losing yourself in the process. And it means you do all that even though you may disagree with a partner's perception, opinions, or feelings. Take 30 minutes a day, at a time that works best for both of you, to empathize with the stresses and strains you are each experiencing in other areas of your life. It can make a difference between a marriage that succeeds and one that fails. Consider:
Empathy Don'ts
Don't stonewall (ignore what a partner is saying).
Don't minimize a spouse's concerns: "What's the big deal?" "You're always so sensitive!"
Don't rush to fix the problem: "Well, if I were you I'd..." or "You should have..." Many people mistakenly believe that downplaying worries or offering advice is helpful. In fact, pat reassurances often magnify negative feelings, since they force a person to try even harder to feel acknowledged. Women especially resent a partner's interruption with solutions, preferring instead to simply vent and know that someone is really listening.
Empathy Dos
Do pay attention. Set aside the newspaper or catalog and turn off the TV when your partner is talking. An occasional uh-huh or nod of the head indicates you haven't zoned out.
Do validate feelings. "He gave that special assignment to the new recruit? I can see why you're annoyed."
Do ask questions with genuine interest. Make sure your partner knows you heard what he or she has said. "So how did you respond to him?"
Do respond with affection, understanding, and support: "I'm really sorry you have to put up with that." "Oh, sweetheart, that could happen to anyone. Don't be so hard on yourself."
Do show support. Take your spouse's side. "I think your boss went a little overboard, too," is appropriate. "Well, you shouldn't have been late in the first place" isn't.
Excerpted from Seven Secrets of a Happy Marriage: Wisdom from the Annals of "Can This Marriage Be Saved?"
Rules for a Fair Fight
Before any couple can even begin to solve their problems, they have to learn how to use their anger constructively. How can anger be constructive? Use it to explore the underlying causes of your disagreements, and you'll find ways to address both of your needs.
If bickering punctuates your days; if arguments escalate quickly until you're both shouting things you later regret; or if you too often smile through gritted teeth while your stomach is roiling like an ocean in a hurricane, the following rules can help you defuse the rage and focus your energies on practical strategies for change. Make a promise to:
1. Remind yourself that it is okay to be angry, and don't feel guilty about having those angry feelings. Women, especially, grow up believing that it is unladylike and bitchy to express any negative feelings. Better to suppress anger, they're taught, than express it. But there are times when anger is legitimate and those occasions must be recognized and addressed. Once you do that, you'll be in a stronger position to say how you honestly feel and find a path for change.
2. Understand that although you disagree, you are not enemies. No matter how much people love each other, differences will eventually trigger conflict. Fighting fair means you will not attack each other -- physically or verbally. Name-calling, cursing, screaming, or blaming are verboten. So, is threatening separation or divorce.
3. Never use something that has been previously told to you in confidence as a weapon in an argument. When you do, you betray the trust your spouse has placed in you, and make it harder for your partner to feel emotionally safe in the marriage.
4. Never walk out of the room until you either both agree that an argument is over or have decided to table the problem and chosen a specific time to bring it up again.
5. Acknowledge each other's feelings and perceptions, without judgment or criticism. There's no "right" way to feel, and there will be times in every marriage that you simply will not agree. But you should always make the effort to unravel what is troubling your partner and show genuine caring for and awareness of his or her emotional experience. Phrases such as "I never thought of that" or "Tell me more about what you're thinking" will help you break out of an anger stalemate.
Excerpted from Seven Secrets of a Happy Marriage: Wisdom from the Annals of "Can This Marriage Be Saved?"
Getting Him to Open Up
Until the counselor pointed it out, Jamie and Ben didn't realize that the clash between her articulate, assertive style and his inability to give voice to his feelings was at the heart of many of their problems. She's certainly not the only wife to find herself in a conversational tango when trying to get her husband to communicate. To help him express his feelings:
Understand the silences. It can be hurtful and infuriating to try to talk to a man and feel as if you're talking to the wall. But while women often find silence uncomfortable, men find solace in it. What's more, we often read into a partner's silence our own desires, fears, and past experiences. If your parents endured long icy periods when they were angry and didn't speak, you may infer that your husband's lack of response means he's upset with you. His silence may simply mean he really has nothing particular on his mind. Similarly, a man whose father left the office behind when he walked in the door may believe it's inappropriate to talk about business issues or problems at home. Many men have reported that they don't tell their wives things because they don't want to worry them. That protectiveness, however, may be misinterpreted as lack of interest. Also, when he talks to others but not to you, it may be because he views having to make conversation and relay factual information as work. At home, he wants to relax. And that may mean sinking into his own thoughts or reverie.
Ask directly for what you need. Men and women have different definitions of the word "communication." Men problem-solve, often silently. They proceed directly from Step 1 ("Here's the issue") to Step 3 ("Do this"). Of course, you believe in Step 2: bouncing suggestions and possibilities around before coming to a solution. If your man is not the bouncing type, try presenting a specific agenda: "I'd like to talk about Jake's terrible behavior lately" or "We need to figure out how we're going to handle Amanda's ballet practices during the school week."
Phrase your questions to provoke responses. "How was your day?" won't jump-start a conversation. He may just say "fine" or "terrible." "Tell me about your presentation to that new client" might engage him more fully.
Learn to argue constructively. Many men are afraid to say anything because past experience has taught them that they'll be criticized or blamed for past crimes and misdemeanors.
Give him the floor. He may have learned to disengage as soon as you start talking, which makes you talk even more. Someone has to break the cycle; try counting to yourself if he's silent, or give him a friendly look to encourage him to respond.
Appreciate the silences. More likely than not, your spouse will never be as loquacious as your best friend. And you probably don't want him to be, either. So learn to listen to the silence. When he takes you in his arms for a long hug, shares in a joyful whoop with you when your son scores his first hockey goal, or reaches for your hand as you ride in the car, he may be saying a great deal.
Pick the right moment. You prefer talking when you get into bed because it's the first time all day you can relax; your husband falls asleep the minute his head hits the pillow. You like chatting over morning coffee, his brain doesn't get in gear until an hour later. Men often feel ambushed and tend to clam up unless they have a say in the timing of talks. They may also feel cornered when the whole agenda of your conversation is "the problem." If you try raising issues while doing an activity (playing backgammon, cooking a special dinner, or gardening), the talk will flow more easily. Another tactic: Ask him to come to you when he's ready to talk. You might try saying: "We don't have to discuss this right now, but I really want to understand what you're thinking about our moving to a bigger house. Talk to me when you're ready."
Excerpted from Seven Secrets of a Happy Marriage: Wisdom from the Annals of "Can This Marriage Be Saved?"
Secrets of Sexy Marriages
In every relationship, levels of sexual desire for both partners fluctuate. Some stages are predictable: when you first marry, after you have a child, when the kids leave home, when job pressures persist. These are all times when sexual moods and patterns of lovemaking may shift. Knowing this, and being confident enough to talk about it, strengthens intimacy. Couples with the sexiest marriages:
1. Remember that sex problems are sometimes red herrings. Understanding that impotence is a common problem at every stage of marriage is the first, and highest, hurdle most couples have to clear. Talking about the problem can be reassuring and often lessens the anxiety for both partners. In fact, the more both partners worry about the problem, the more intractable it becomes. However, wise couples recognize that impotence can also be a wake-up call, a signal of stress somewhere in the relationship. Instead of banishing feelings of frustration, unhappiness, or emotional overload -- at work, at home, with your kids or other family members -- ask yourselves if something is bothering one or both of you. Sit down and talk about issues in a nonconfrontational, nonjudgmental, and unhurried way. Once Cindy and Dan found the courage to talk, the episodes of sexual stage fright disappeared.
2. Don't save affection for the bedroom only. Couples whose sex lives bring them the most happiness eroticize their lives -- that is, they give affection physically and verbally through the day in different ways. They touch. Whether it's reassuring or frantically passionate, touch makes the difference between making love and having sex. Touch is a reflection of what you feel inside: You can convey desire, appreciation, delight, a sense of safety as well as boredom, resentment, or anger.
3. Make time for love. Sexy wives know that lovemaking is a habit: The more you do it, the more you like it, and the more you like it, the more you do it. They make lovemaking a top priority, and if that means scheduling sex, so be it. It won't be any less exciting just because it's planned. Sexual excitement feeds on itself. Just do it.
4. Talk every day. Even if it's just 10 minutes in the morning and 10 at night, voice your love. Call each other pet names, remember to say goodbye and good night. Be sure that you don't fall into the mind-reader trap of assuming your partner knows or should know what you're thinking and feeling simply "because he loves me." Those in a healthy, sexy marriage make a point of expressing their feelings and their attraction to each other on a regular basis.
5. Kiss often. We're not talking a perfunctory peck on the cheek but a deep, sensual, teasing kiss. Many longtime couples rarely kiss at all, going straight to intercourse when they have sex. Don't you remember the backseat? The cool, dark movie theater and the thrill of making out? Steal a kiss!
6. Have adventures. Instead of sex behind a locked bedroom door, these couples make love at the beach, in the car, in the shower, on the living room floor. They keep their eyes open during sex -- and sometimes leave the lights on -- because they know that watching their partner's eroticism makes sex easier.
7. Break the rules. Ask yourself: What ruts have we fallen into and how can we get out of them? Explore changes, even small ones, with which you both feel comfortable. Don't nix ideas automatically; instead, be willing to experiment with videos, sex toys, and magazines.
8. Learn what pleases. Know what you like and don't like in bed -- and make sure your partner knows, too.
Excerpted from Seven Secrets of a Happy Marriage: Wisdom from the Annals of "Can This Marriage Be Saved?"
Real Men Can Do Housework...
...But in the real world, they often don't. While studies from the Institute for Social Research at the University of Michigan confirm that this generation of couples does half the amount of housework their parents did, most of those chores are still shouldered by women. Is there a way to prevent everyday skirmishes over home front responsibilities from escalating into full-scale wars -- and still get him to put the dishes in the dishwasher? Let's look at both sides of the problem.
Her side
"I'm tired of doing all of it all the time."
"It's the psychic energy that's so draining. I have to be responsible for things even if I'm not in charge of them."
"How come he can fix a car engine but can't figure out how to put the toilet paper on the roll?"
His side
"When I do the grocery shopping, she says I buy the wrong tomato sauce."
"She'll find one spot of food on a pot and yell, 'Is this what you call clean?'"
"The fact that I can't remember to put my socks in the hamper is not a personal attack against her. I just...forget."
Even the best counselors don't have a foolproof recipe for success on this one. But here are a few suggestions. Try them; you never know...
Figure out exactly what needs to be done and who's doing it. Keep a log of everything for a week down to the minute details: Who walked the dog, who did the laundry, who folded, who took the car in for repair, and so on. It could well be that a spouse is doing more than you gave him or her credit for. In that case, make a point of appreciating each other's efforts. By not taking the chores, large or small, for granted, you create a spiral of appreciation that, in time, can erase resentment.
Talk about how things were done when you were growing up and what role models you had for sharing the work at home. If Mom did all the cooking, you may both hold the expectation that planning and cooking meals is only a woman's job. Some women also feel that if their husbands earn more than they do, they don't have a right to ask for help at home, even if they work, too. But as gender roles shift, and more women as well as men move in and out of the workforce, those expectations must change, as well. Talking about what you each expect and want is essential to balancing the scales.
Consider various plans for a fair division of labor. Maybe you go with a scenario based on expertise: Who excelled in math? Put that person in charge of the checkbook. Depersonalize the process, as if you're tackling something with a colleague. What's one way to solve the problem? What are five other possibilities? Who else could help with this problem? Perhaps hiring a neighborhood teenager to handle some chores, errands, or childcare would lighten the load for both of you.
Let go. Sometimes, when it comes to housework and children, women are their own worst enemies. You asked Daddy to dress the baby and the kid comes out with a top and bottom that don't match? So what? You wanted him to do the shopping? Then let him do it his way. The principle here is simple: If you give up responsibility for a chore, you have to give up control over it, too. Besides, some things just aren't worth quibbling about.
When all else fails, go on strike. It has been duly noted that some women have simply stopped doing domestic duty to make a point. Laundry? Wash and dry only yours. Kids need something bought or signed? Tell them to ask their dad. As long as things keep getting done, he may not realize how much, and in what detail, you actually do. Only when you stop will he get the hint.
Train your kids. Instead of fostering helplessness in the next generation, make sure your children, boys as well as girls, grow up believing that sharing the physical as well as the emotional chores at home is just what considerate people do.
Labels: happy marriage
Happy Marriages
By Nancy Marie Brown
In the 1970s, divorce escalated like crazy. Women were entering the labor force in incredible numbers. Are those two things related," asks Alan Booth, "or aren't they?
"And if divorce is not related to women working, what is it related to?"
Booth, a Penn State sociologist, has been asking that question for 20 years. He himself has been divorced and remarried in the meantime, as has his co-investigator on the National Longitudinal Study of Marriage, Paul Amato. More to the point, they and their colleagues have amassed hours of survey data on 2,000 married men and women, interviewed by telephone, paper, or computer survey up to six times over the 20 years, "through a whole marital history, if you like," says Amato. "Some people in the study are on their third or fourth marriages. We've followed them through divorce, singlehood, and remarriage."
They've also interviewed many of their children.
Then in 2000, the research team interviewed a completely new random sample of 2,100 married individuals. "So we can look at two different kinds of change," Amato explains: "How individual marriages change over time, and how the population of married couples has changed between 1980 and 2000."
Their results are changing the way people think about marriage and divorce, and particularly about the effects of divorce on children.
"I think it's our study," says Booth, "that put the capstone on the idea that divorce can be bad for children. That's influenced a lot of family therapists to get parents to focus on the kids.
"The thing we'd like to have an effect on are all the people who get a divorce who are not in high-conflict marriages. They're not in great marriages, maybe, but they're in okay marriages. Can they be encouraged to stick with it until the kids are grown?"
omen working, Booth and his colleagues found, does not cause divorce. "We solved that problem pretty quickly," says Booth. "There were probably some mild effects early on, but people really enjoy the two incomes."
Over the last 20 years, notes Amato, "Family income went up a lot. Not because the wages of the men went up - men's wages have remained stagnant - but because the women entered the workforce and salaries for women did go up." According to their most recent surveys, 60 percent of married women are now employed, and their families are better off for it, both economically and psychologically. "In 2000, married individuals are more likely to own their own homes, they have higher incomes, they report they feel good about their family's economic wellbeing, a smaller proportion are using public assistance - there's not as much economic stress," Amato says.
"And family life is more egalitarian in terms of who is making the decisions," he adds. "Both husbands and wives are telling us this. In 1980, it was common for the husband to say he makes all the decisions. But when families reach decisions together, we've found, they're happier. Equality is good for a marriage. It's good for both husbands and wives. If the wife goes from a patriarchal marriage to an egalitarian one, she'll be much happier, much less likely to look for a way out. And in the long run, the husbands are happier too."
What exactly do people mean when they say they're happily married, and what prompts them to consider divorce?
When they began the study in 1980, Booth and his colleagues, then at the University of Nebraska, came up with a long list of variables besides women's working, including how many children a couple had, their relationship with their parents, if the parents were divorced, whether they moved a lot, their income, their employment patterns, the household division of labor, and their general attitudes. Other sociologists had devised good surveys to measure several of these variables; these Booth and his colleagues adapted to their study.
"But we felt that the existing measures of marital quality weren't adequate," Booth explains. "It was more than a feeling of happiness or satisfaction, we felt. It included the amount of marital interaction - of interaction that was not conflict.
"So we developed this new concept of divorce proneness or marital instability. We wanted to measure whether or not people thought about divorce, or talked to friends about divorce, or had seen a counselor, or had filed for divorce. Or is a divorce underway?" Divorce proneness also included personality attributes ("flies off the handle," "won't talk about it," "has irritating habits") and problem behaviors (trouble with the law, infidelity, drinking or drugs, child abuse). The measure has revealed that there are many kinds of happy and unhappy marriages. "There are people who are real unhappy but who wouldn't even think of divorce," Booth explains, "and people who say they are happy but don't see much of each other."
hat predicts divorce? "One of the best predictors of not getting a divorce," Amato says, "is owning a house. Buying a house is a representation of commitment. People are reluctant to sell it. It's hard to divide. Irrespective of family income, to be in the process of buying or paying off a house is stabilizing."
A strong risk factor, on the other hand, is what Booth and Amato call "intergenerational transmission of divorce." Says Amato, "If your parents were divorced, it's twice as likely that your own marriage will end in divorce. It's one of the strongest risk factors, actually."
Amato offers a number of possible explanations: Being a child of divorce could shape a person's attitudes. "If you've seen your parents model divorce as a solution for a bad marriage, you may be more accepting of it You may tend to think about divorce at lower thresholds of problems." On the other hand, if you watched your parents work out their disagreements, you're less likely to see divorce as a solution. "Some people come into a marriage committed to it for life," Amato notes. "Others say, sometimes divorce is unpleasant, but it's still an option."
"Some of that transmission of divorce," Amato adds, "seems to come from a deficit in interpersonal skills. In our study, we found people who had been divorced were more likely to report not listening to what their spouse was saying or getting angry and losing their temper. One person tried to dominate the marriage. There was an unwillingness to compromise. In a divorced family, children don't learn how to communicate effectively because they don't see their parents modelling it. Many of them grow up and enter marriage without the skills they need to maintain a relationship."
Another risk factor for divorce, strangely, is living together, Amato says. "Couples who cohabitate prior to marriage report more problems and are more likely to think about divorce. That's opposite to what you'd expect. When this finding first began to be noticed and was replicated over and over, we thought it was a selection process. People who cohabitate tend to be less religious, less traditional, more liberal. Perhaps it's not surprising that they accept divorce. The same traits that predict if you will cohabitate also predict problems in your marriage.
"But our more recent information suggests there may be something about living together that actually makes you more unconventional. That the behavior shapes your attitudes. What I think part of the problem is, people are less thoughtful about a decision to cohabitate than a decision to marry. People very rarely marry without giving it some thought. But they might wind up cohabitating with someone. Then, once they're cohabitating, there's a momentum that leads them to marry. There's pressure to get married from others. The potential of having children is more likely. They're more reluctant to break up because they're a 'thing' together - they've bought pots and pans together. People wind up with partners they may not be compatible with. It's a drift into marriage. Or, when things start causing problems, people who are cohabitating will say, 'Let's get married,' as if that will solve everything."
ooth feels the most important result of their 20-year study has been to illustrate the effect of divorce on kids.
"We discovered that kids from certain kinds of marriages didn't suffer much at all from a divorce," says Booth, "whereas kids from other kinds of marriages did. When kids came from a high-conflict home, they did pretty well when the marriage finally ended and they got out of it. They did almost as well as children from intact marriages on all sorts of measures. We looked at whether or not they were depressed, their sense of well-being, if they were married and, if so, how well they got along with their spouses, at their friendships, and at their relationships with relatives.
"But on every measure, we found that coming from a low-conflict marriage that ends in divorce had a devastating effect on the kids." Not having seen their parents fighting, "they were caught totally by surprise," Booth notes. "The divorce wasn't something they desired at all." They had no way of understanding their parents were unhappy. "What they'd gotten to know and gotten used to - that looks good to a kid. When all of that is threatened, it has a devastating effect on a kid. They could see nothing but bad things following from it."
So who are the people getting divorced but not fighting? They're risk-takers, people who generally have favorable attitudes toward divorce. And they often have someone new waiting in the wings. Socially, says Booth, "They are people who are somewhat isolated. They're detached. They move a lot. They're not involved in a church. They have less contact with their relatives. They are less likely to own a home. They hadn't experienced a divorce themselves and had little idea what effect it would have on their children. Basically, they weren't thinking about the children at all."
Booth and Amato, on the other hand, think couples in these so-so marriages should think of the children first. "We do upset people," Booth says, "because we advocate that attention needs to be paid to the children." And they have the data to back up their opinion. "The effect is much less if the divorce occurs when the child is in late adolescence," Booth explains. "When they're out of the home, they're affected even less. Then they don't have to live through the divorce. They're not so likely to lose contact with one set of their relatives. They don't have to cut off contact with their father or mother.
"We certainly aren't in the camp of people who say the covenant of marriage is the answer, but we do think parents should say, 'The children are at risk. Let's stay together a little longer.'"
Besides, their data also show that divorce isn't always a cure for someone's marital problems. "We looked at people in the sample who married, got a divorce, and remarried to see how the second marriage differed from the first, and how the quality of the first marriage carried over into the second," Booth says.
"We found that the correlation of marital happiness and marital interaction was very low. The second marriage was different from the first one, but then the question becomes, was it any better? The vast majority of people had 'no gain.' A minority reported it got better, and a very small minority reported that the second marriage was worse. For the vast majority, it's different, but not an improvement. Things traded off.
"A marriage is a hard thing to maintain," Booth concludes. "The only thing that's harder is raising children is a happy marriage.
Labels: happy marriage
"A great marriage is not when the 'perfect couple' comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences."
Dave Meurer "Daze of our Wives"
Maybe your marriage can be saved
Ok, here we are in what I feel is the most important section of this website. I’m going to be blunt with you here, I think that the vast majority of marriages can and should be saved, especially those with children involved.
I think most people divorce too quickly, with motives that are ultimately too selfish. I think that if more people could commit as much energy to their existing relationship as they do to an affair, or to their job, or even to their friends they would find themselves ultimately enjoying a lasting, rewarding relationship with their current spouse. And the statistics speak for themselves:
Between 43 and 50% of first marriages will end in divorce within the first 15 years.
The relative risk of suicide with 100 people is 1.0 for a single person, while a divorced person is at 2.9.
The annual rate of depression in 100 single (never married) women is 2.4. Married (never divorced) women have a rate of 1.5. Women divorced once have a rate of 4.1 and women divorced twice have a rate as high as 5.8. These numbers are according to the National Institute of Mental Health.
Four separate studies show that between 9 and 15% of children of two parent homes drop out of high school. Children of single parent homes drop out at a rate of 16 to 29%.
The percentage of teen unmarried girls in homes with two parents typically runs at a rate of between 11 and 20%. Girls in homes with a single parent have babies at a rate of between 19 and 31%.
I feel very strongly that divorce should be the absolute last resort, and that as much as we like to think of it as a solution, divorce doesn’t always solve problems.
Believe me, it has not been totally easy to write this section. I feel very strongly that divorce should be the absolute last resort, and that as much as we like to think of it as a solution, divorce doesn’t always solve problems. In fact, more often than not, you trade one set of problems in for a totally different set, only now you’re alone as you try to deal with them. Women are almost always worse off financially after a divorce. Men in most cases find themselves in a lesser role as a parent. Children suffer the most overall, and in most cases for kids, the divorce is the beginning of the bad times, not the end of it. Most children don’t realize that Mom and Dad are having trouble, but once a divorce happens, they see life changing, their security becomes threatened and in the long run, they are often worse off than they would have been had Mom and Dad even stayed together in a less than perfect marriage.
Statistically, second marriages have an even higher failure rate than first marriages, so don’t go kidding yourself into thinking it’s going to be better the next time around. So my challenge as I head into this section is to maintain some objectivity, to not preach and to provide worthwhile information to you as you try to make this extremely important decision. Also, please understand that I also believe there are marriages out there that should be ended, as well as many that will end no matter how hard one party tries to save it. I am a firm believer that any marriage that involves mental or physical abuse should absolutely be ended as quickly as possible. I also understand that your spouse may want out, and nothing you can do will change that. My own situation was like that, my wife wanted out and was basically unwilling to do anything to give us a serious chance to save our marriage.
Divorce is hell on all involved.
If you're not sure, if you're wavering, or you question your own motives, by all means, suck it up for a while and make one last effort to save your marriage. But a word of caution, if you try the same tactics you've tried before, you will fail. You need to try something new. If you do nothing else, buy a copy of Relationship Rescue and work all the way through it. This book will give you new skills for working on your relationship, new ways to approach the problems that are tearing you and your spouse apart. Another absolutely wonderful book on this topic is Divorce Busting. If I could, I'd see to it that every couple whose marriage is on the rocks got a copy of this book.
But let’s stay realistic here. Every marriage can’t be saved and in some instances a divorce will actually be better for at least one of the two people involved. But those aren’t the types of situations I want to discuss here. This section is about saving marriages. We’re going to be working on the marriages where there’s at least a 50/50 chance of working things out. Hopefully, you feel as if that’s the situation you are in now.
Now, if you've read this far so far, and you're still not sure which direction you should go, I've found an important resource that I think you should check out. A highly respected couple who have devoted their professional lives to helping others, Susie and Otto Collins have made available and ebook entitled "Should You Stay or Should You Go". If you're really and truly on the fence and can't figure out if you should continue along the path of trying to save your marriage, you owe it to yourself, your spouse and your family to read this ebook.
Be honest with yourself, let’s not build up a bunch of false hope here, but if you’re honestly willing to work at it, and you really want to save your marriage, read on and you should be able to find some helpful information as you move forward.
To address some particular issues that often come up when people start trying to save their marriages, I've also created a few pages that are directed specifically to these issues. They are:
Infidelity - Dealing with cheating spouses.
Better Sex - Fixing your sexual relationship.
Boredom - What happens when the flame flickers out.
Finances - Take care of the money so it doesn't create problems
“I’m sure we can save our marriage if my wife/husband would just change __________” If you’ve heard yourself saying that sentence, with the blank filled in with whatever it happens to be, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that your odds are probably not that great for saving your marriage, given your current mindset. How about this one… “My husband/wife will stay with me if only I can change the way I _________________” Think this scenario has any more of a chance for success? It’s doubtful. So now you’re thinking, “Ok, he’s saying that she isn’t to blame, and I’m not to blame, so who’s to blame and who needs to change?”
Well, how about this? How about we make the assumption that no one is to blame. “But wait,” you say “my wife had an affair, she’s to blame, it’s her fault our marriage is dead, she violated her vows to me, it’s her fault.” Or maybe your situation goes something like this. “It’s his fault our marriage is breaking up, his constant drinking has turned him into an alcoholic, couch potato. We can only save our marriage if he’s willing to stop drinking and start exercising.” Ok, in both of those scenarios, it’s pretty easy for someone outside of the relationship to nod sympathetically and say to you “You’re right, he/she is no good, it’s his/her fault and you're doing the right thing by getting the divorce.” (We’ll talk more about these “friends” later.) But let’s talk a little bit about both of those statements and why they’re not the kind of thinking that will get your marriage on the road to recovery.
First of all, you’re not going to save your marriage by placing blame on your spouse and then sitting back waiting for them to fix things. If you’re just going to lay out the conditions your spouse must meet, then sit back and wait for the changes to happen, you’ve given your spouse total control over the fate of your marriage, and there is literally nothing you can do to influence the situation. You’ve turned yourself into nothing more than the scorekeeper. “Well, Jim drank another six pack in front of the TV last night. I guess he just doesn’t want to save our marriage.” (At this point, the sympathetic friend is obligated to say some kind words of encouragement. “Mary, that man is just no good. You’re a saint for trying to work things out, but I think you just need to kick him out.”) Not a very promising sounding scenario, is it. As hard as it may be, you’re going to have to accept the fact that you also must take some of the blame for the way things are.
Hold on now -- I just said “some of the blame”!
Believe me, I understand how you can have a hard time with that one, but I also believe that it’s vital that you accept some of the responsibility for the situation, and that you also accept that you may also have to change if you really want to save your marriage.
Second, you’re “friends” aren’t going to help save your marriage by echoing your feelings back to you like they’re doing. They’re not intentionally sabotaging your efforts, but they’re not helping either. What you need now is someone who can help you see yourself and your spouse as two worthwhile, valuable people who both have something to contribute to the relationship. Now, before we’re done spending time together, you’ll hear me say more than once that you need to get over your fear of asking for help. You’re reading these words because you’re in a situation you are having a hard time handling alone, there’s nothing wrong with that, no weakness implied, it’s just the way it is. If you’ll search with an open mind, you’ll find that there are tons of people you can turn to in this time of confusion and pain for help. Mostly, I’m talking about a neutral third party. This person may be your local religious leader, a friend who cares about both of you and who isn’t afraid to say things you might not want to hear, or even a professional counselor or therapist.
Now don’t let me lose you here, I understand that you may be finding yourself in a situation where you suddenly found out that your spouse was cheating on you, you feel like you have done nothing wrong, and so it’s not you that has to change, it’s your spouse. At first glance, it’s easy to get in that position; you were wronged, your spouse has to change if the marriage is to be saved. But here’s the point I want to make: You cannot save your marriage by placing all the blame on your spouse and then sitting back and waiting for them to change. What you need to understand, if you’re going to try to rebuild your relationship is that you are BOTH going to have to change and you’re BOTH going to have to want to save the relationship. You’re BOTH going to have to commit to it, if there is a snowballs' chance of saving it. What that means is that your Hubby is going to have to dump the 19 year old aerobics instructor he’s been secretly sleeping with, and you are going to have to swallow your pride and begin to try to get to the bottom of why he had the affair in the first place. Now I won’t sit here now and try to define all the reasons that marriages go bad, there’s no way I can do that here. Maybe your spouse had an affair partly because you’ve stopped taking care of yourself and you’re not the trim athletic girl you were when he married you. The reasons will only be important to you and your spouse, they’ll be the reasons and the factors that are affecting your marriage, and you both have to take steps to fix those things, together.
What I want to do is make you understand that there were two people who stood on the alter together and promised to love each other forever, and if there aren’t two people working on fixing the problems, there isn’t any relationship to save.
Labels: happy marriage
Healthy Marriage: Four More Things You Can Do To Renew and Maintain a Healthy Marriage
Dr. Neill Neill
You are invited to take some time to reflect further on love and marriage, particularly on keeping, restoring and renewing love… Recall that my last article was "Healthy Marriage: Some Advice about the Five Conditions of a Lasting Healthy Marriage."
The five conditions were
Look after yourself first…do not merge your identities…enjoy the show…never stop doing things together for fun and laughter…if you want more excitement, take up skiing…
Can you think of four more renewal factors for a strong marriage?
Human beings are hard-wired to live in relationships. Most spend the biggest part of their lives in some form of family. You are probably in a relationship right now.
The quality of your primary relationship is central to a fulfilling life. The heights of joy and the depths of despair you experience in life are usually experienced in relationships. Your relationship matters!
The principle is the same whether your primary adult relationship is man-woman, same sex, married or unmarried.
Keep on talking. Keep on listening.
The first is communication. When you first meet someone, you talk (communication), you get to know each other (knowledge), you find you like each other (affection), and you both want to talk more. This age-old process leads to a deep connection between you. I call the process "the upward spiral of communion." You are connecting at the heart, mind and spirit level.
Since the only part of the process you have any choice about is communication, before anything else you must keep talking and listening. If your communication has been interrupted by babies, work, illness or anything else, redouble your efforts talk and listen. Without communication, communion with your partner is impossible.
Never a score-keeper be.
Secondly, rid your relationship of any hints of accounting or keeping score. There will of course be division of labour just to manage your lives together. When division of labour turns to "I did this so you owe me that," it can become a relationship killer. It can be just as damaging if the accounting is self-imposed, such as "He did that for me so I owe him this.”
If score keeping has crept in, talk about it and get rid of it. Do what you do out of self care, care for the other and care for your relationship. You can’t build communion on debt.
Look in the mirror.
The third involves self reflection. If you see something in your partner that you don’t like, take a look in the mirror. The emotion you put on some part of them, that is, your not liking something about them, is almost always in part a reflection of something you don’t want to see in yourself.
Your partner just is. The emotion is yours. Reflecting on yourself every time you are annoyed with your partner is a great opportunity for self growth.
Be kind…and expect nothing in return.
Finally, random acts of kindness are healthy and appreciated, so long as no one is keeping score.
A great relationship is in a continuous state of renewal.
Have you talked with your partner today, done something kind for them without expectation and learned something about yourself in the process? You know what to do.
Labels: happy marriage
What makes for a happy marriage?
Mark Dombeck, Ph.D.
In order to best understand how a marriage can come apart, it is helpful first to understand some of the ways that healthy marriages are structured, and how they function.
Healthy marriage partners are compatible partners
In a marriage that is to stand the test of time, romance is important, but compatibility is critical. By and large, partners in healthy marriages come to agree upon common agendas regarding the directions their marriage will take, and the way each partner will behave. These common agreements may never have been discussed, but they will be present implicitly in how each partner chooses to act.
Areas of agreement that partners will have dealt with will generally include:
Friendship. Successful partners develop a significant friendship at the core of their relationship. They genuinely like one another, amuse and comfort one another, and prefer to spend time with each other. This friendship and mutual liking is somewhat separate from other aspects of the relationship (sexuality, for instance), and can survive the loss of these other aspects of the relationship. A strong friendship and mutual liking is often the basis for repair of troubled relationships.
Role expectations. The partners reach agreement with regard to how household responsibilities are divided and how they will behave towards each other. Traditionally, and still dominantly, the male or masculine-identified partner will take on the majority of financial obligations, while the female or feminine-identified partner will take on nurturing roles. Tradition has broken down significantly in the industrialized west over the last century, however, and it is not at all uncommon to find 'women' who take on financial obligations, 'men' who take on nurturing roles, or to find both partners sharing these roles to one degree or another. Failure to reach agreement with regard to roles can be a major source of conflict.
Emotional intimacy. Successful partners learn to trust each other, to be vulnerable with each other, to laugh together, and to support one another in times of need.
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Sexual expectations. Partners come to basic agreements as to how they will be sexual with each other. Frequently (traditionally) this means that they will be sexual with one another, and not with other people, but this is not necessarily the case. Sexual expectations may further dictate the kinds and patterns of sexual activities that each partner will and will not engage in. Coming to agreement with regard to sexuality can increase trust that couples feel for each other, and failure to reach agreement can be cause for conflict. As sexual activity is strongly rewarding and bonding for couples, it is best for marriages when partners agree upon sexual expectations and are both satisfied with their lovemaking.
Vision/Goals. Successful partners agree that they want to pursue the same life paths, values and goals and mutually commit to those paths, values and goals. Examples might include decisions to have children or not, to attend or not attend religious services, to raise a child in a particular faith, to save or spend money, or to live frugally or extravagantly, etc.
Successful marriages tend to be populated by partners who come to their marriage with pre-existing significant compatibilities (of personality, temperament, goals, etc.) that make it easier for them to reach agreement because they frequently end up wanting the same thing. They may share commonalities with regard to personality, temperament, or preferences for volatile or conflict-avoiding interactions, as well as goals, religious and ethical ideals, etc.
While these areas of agreement do tend to be present in healthy marriages, we should note that no marriage is perfect, and that many perfectly good marriages harbor disagreements with regard to some of the domains we've discussed. In general, however, the more domains you and your partner are in agreement on, the better are your chances for a healthy marriage.
Background factors play a minor role in determining marriage success.
Personality, temperament and goal compatibility is very important in determining whether a marriage will be strong. Other background factors are also important, however. Better marriages are reported by people who chose to marry later in life as opposed to younger, by people who recall being very intensely in love with their partners prior to getting married, and by people who maintain close family relationships and whose parents' approved of their marriage. Also, people identified with more traditional sex-role and religious values tend to report having higher quality marriages overall (although it isn't clear that such people aren't just reporting positive outcomes based on their desire to present themselves in a positive light). When all factors relating to marital adjustment are considered together, personality and life-goal compatibility seems to be of paramount importance, and background factors such as whether partners come from similar family, religious or economic backgrounds or whether they have similar dating histories appear to be of lessor importance.
Labels: happy marriage
