::The 10 Essential Emotional Needs::
We are all born with essential physical and emotional needs and the innate resources to help us fulfil them – known as human ‘givens’ – which need to be met in order to facilitate good mental health.
Following are the ten main innate emotional needs:
1) Security — safe territory and an environment which allows us to develop fully
2) Attention (to give and receive it) — a form of nutrition
3) Sense of autonomy and control — having volition to make responsible choices
4) Being emotionally connected to others
5) Feeling part of a wider community
6) Friendship, intimacy — to know that at least one other person accepts us totally for who we are, “warts ‘n’ all”
7) Privacy — opportunity to reflect and consolidate experience
8) Sense of status within social groupings
9) Sense of competence and achievement
10) Having meaning and purpose — which comes from being stretched in what we do and think.
Life is never 100 per cent perfect, but as long as our main essential needs are being met, and our resources are being used well, we do not suffer mental health problems. However, if just one of these needs is unmet, or our resources are being misused, it can affect our mental health and well being.
A Childhood Lost
By: Lucy Bouchard (View Profile)
Within by heart,
Within my soul,
Your sordid actions
Took their toll.
I built my walls.
I closed my doors.
You took from me,
What wasn’t yours.
Upon myself,
I placed the blame.
I led a life,
You filled with shame.
I thought for sure,
I must have sinned.
I buried it all
Deep within.
A childhood lost,
To all the pain,
You placed on me
For your own gain.
There was less laughter.
I hardly cried.
I tried to forget.
I felt, I died.
I kept your secret.
I never told.
But then again,
I was five years old.
Though, the years
Have passed me by,
What you have done,
I no longer deny.
The time has come.
I, now, can see,
To let my heart
And soul be free.
Upon you now,
I place this blame.
It is not I,
Who bears this shame.
Before the Lord,
Will come your day,
For all your sins,
You’ll have to pay.
It is my childhood,
I must reclaim.
My life can never
Remain the same.
Now I see,
All you have done.
My life’s healing
Has just begun.
Though my journey,
May be long and rough,
Because of you,
I am now tough.
Tear down my walls
And open my doors.
The power is mine.
It no longer is yours.
Into my heart,
Love can now flow,
As pure as it should be,
As pure as the snow.
Where there was once darkness,
There is now light.
My life is changing,
To my hearts delight.
For once in my life,
I feel whole.
I can love with my heart.
I’ve reclaimed my soul.
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About Domestic Violence
Domestic violence can be defined as a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner.
Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone.
* Physical Abuse: Hitting, slapping, shoving, grabbing, pinching, biting, hair-pulling, biting, etc. Physical abuse also includes denying a partner medical care or forcing alcohol and/or drug use.
* Sexual Abuse: Coercing or attempting to coerce any sexual contact or behavior without consent. Sexual abuse includes, but is certainly not limited to marital rape, attacks on sexual parts of the body, forcing sex after physical violence has occurred, or treating one in a sexually demeaning manner.
* Emotional Abuse: Undermining an individual's sense of self-worth and/or self-esteem. This may include, but is not limited to constant criticism, diminishing one's abilities, name-calling, or damaging one's relationship with his or her children.
* Economic Abuse: Making or attempting to make an individual financially dependent by maintaining total control over financial resources, withholding one's access to money, or forbidding one's attendance at school or employment.
* Psychological Abuse: Causing fear by intimidation; threatening physical harm to self, partner, children, or partner's family or friends; destruction of pets and property; and forcing isolation from family, friends, or school and/or work.
Domestic violence can happen to anyone regardless of race, age, sexual orientation, religion, or gender. Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels. Domestic violence occurs in both opposite-sex and same-sex relationships and can happen to intimate partners who are married, living together, or dating.
Domestic violence not only affects those who are abused, but also has a substantial effect on family members, friends, co-workers, other witnesses, and the community at large. Children, who grow up witnessing domestic violence, are among those seriously affected by this crime. Frequent exposure to violence in the home not only predisposes children to numerous social and physical problems, but also teaches them that violence is a normal way of life - therefore, increasing their risk of becoming society's next generation of victims and abusers.
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Breaking the Silence on Domestic Violence
Tough new laws are one way to reduce domestic violence and sexual assaults. Nothing sends a clearer message to a wife-beater -- Department of Justice statistics confirm that women are battered far more than men -- than prosecuting and jailing other wife-beaters. New laws, however, are not the only answer.
Too many people continue to believe that domestic violence is a private matter between a couple, rather than a criminal offense that merits a strong and swift response. Even today, the victim of a domestic assault runs the risk of being asked, "What did you do to make your husband angry?" This questions implies the victim is to blame for this abuse. People in our criminal justice system -- police, prosecutors, judges, and jurors -- need to be educated about the role they can play in curbing acts of domestic violence.
Even when cases are brought, domestic crimes are difficult to prosecute. All too often victims are so terrorized that they fear for their lives if they call the police. Silence is the batterer's best friend. We have to end the silence and change our attitudes toward domestic crime.
Neighbors must contact the police when they hear violent fights in their neighborhoods. Don't turn up the television to block out the sounds of the drunken argument next door. Call the police.
Teachers should be alert to signs that students have witnessed violence at home. Children who grow up in violent homes are more likely to become violent themselves.
Medical professionals who see the victims of violence need to ask them about these crimes. Too often, doctors or emergency room personnel accept the statement of fearful victims that their bruises or cuts are the result of household accidents or falls. When a woman with a black eye says that she fell and hit the doorknob, doctors and nurses must ask: "Did someone hit you?"
Members of the clergy need to become more involved as well. We just can't tell a battered spouse to "go home and make it work," as was done in the past. Sending a woman back to a battering husband often places her life at risk. Of course, we can't tell a woman who lives in a violent relationship what to do, but we can make a greater effort to let her know that other options are available for her and her children. Early intervention is crucial.
These crimes are serious. Experience shows that levels of violence in these relationships tend to escalate, and many police departments cite domestic violence as their number one problem. Tough laws and effective prosecutions, combined with education and a cooperative approach among law enforcement and social service agencies, will take time to be effective. Until then, we all must take a greater role in reporting domestic abuse. Our efforts to break the silence can make a difference.
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Domestic Violence...What is It?
As domestic violence awareness has increased, it has become evident that abuse can occur within a number of relationships. The laws in many states cover incidents of violence occurring between married couples, as well as abuse of elders by family members, abuse between roommates, dating couples and those in lesbian and gay relationships.
In an abusive relationship, the abuser may use a number of tactics other than physical violence in order to maintain power and control over his or her partner:
Emotional and verbal abuse:
Survivors of domestic violence recount stories of put-downs, public humiliation, name-calling, mind games and manipulation by their partners. Many say that the emotional abuse they have suffered has left the deepest scars.
Isolation:
It is common for an abuser to be extremely jealous, and insist that the victim not see her friends or family members. The resulting feeling of isolation may then be increased for the victim if she loses her job as a result of absenteeism or decreased productivity (which are often associated with people who are experiencing domestic violence).
Threats and Intimidation:
Threats -- including threats of violence, suicide, or of taking away the children -- are a very common tactic employed by the batterer.
The existence of emotional and verbal abuse, attempts to isolate, and threats and intimidation within a relationship may be an indication that physical abuse is to follow. Even if they are not accompanied by physical abuse, the effect of these incidents must not be minimized. Many of the resources listed in this book have information available for people who are involved with an emotionally abusive intimate partner.
For additional information on the domestic violence definitions and laws in your state, please contact the state resource listed in this handbook.
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Who Are the Victims?
* Women were attacked about six times more often by offenders with whom they had an intimate relationship than were male violence victims.
* Nearly 30 percent of all female homicide victims were known to have been killed by their husbands, former husbands or boyfriends.
* In contrast, just over 3 percent of male homicide victims were known to have been killed by their wives, former wives or girlfriends.
* Husbands, former husbands, boyfriends and ex-boyfriends committed more than one million violent acts against women.
* Family members or other people they knew committed more than 2.7 million violent crimes against women.
* Husbands, former husbands, boyfriends and ex-boyfriends committed 26 percent of rapes and sexual assaults.
* Forty-five percent of all violent attacks against female victims 12 years old and older by multiple offenders involve offenders they know.
* The rate of intimate-offender attacks on women separated from their husbands was about three times higher than that of divorced women and about 25 times higher than that of married women.
* Women of all races were equally vulnerable to attacks by intimates.
* Female victims of violence were more likely to be injured when attacked by someone they knew than female victims of violence who were attacked by strangers.
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Myths About Family Violence
* Myth:Family violence is rare...
o Although statistics on family violence are not precise, it's clear that millions of children, women and even men are abused physically by family members and other intimates.
o Myth:Family violence is confined to the lower classes...
o Reports from police records, victim services, and academic studies show domestic violence exists equally in every socioeconomic group, regardless of race or culture.
o Myth:Alcohol and drug abuse are the real causes of violence in the home...
o Because many male batterers also abuse alcohol and other drugs, it's easy to conclude that these substances may cause domestic violence. They apparently do increase the lethality of the violence, but they also offer the batterer another excuse to evade responsibility for his behavior. The abusive man -- and men are the abusers in the overwhelming majority of domestic violence incidents -- typically controls his actions, even when drunk or high, by choosing a time and place for the assaults to take place in private and go undetected. In addition, successful completion of a drug treatment program does not guarantee an end to battering. Domestic violence and substance abuse are two different problems that should be treated separately.
o Myth:Battered wives like being hit, otherwise they would leave...
o The most common response to battering-- "Why doesn't she just leave?"-- ignores economic and social realities facing many women. Shelters are often full, and family, friends, and the workplace are frequently less than fully supportive. Faced with rent and utility deposits, day care, health insurance, and other basic expenses, the woman may feel that she cannot support herself and her children. Moreover, in some instances, the woman may be increasing the chance of physical harm or even death if she leaves an abusive spouse.
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Creating a Strong and Satisfying Marriage
Sharon J. Leigh
Program Assistant
Janet A. Clark,
Program Leader and Associate State Specialist
Pause for a moment and think about your marriage. What thoughts come to mind? How do you feel about your relationship? Your marriage may generally provide great happiness and satisfaction for both of you. Or, because of high levels of conflict and unfulfilled expectations, your marriage may be a source of great anxiety and frustration. Another possibility is that life for you and your spouse has become so hectic that you never seem to be able to connect with each other as you once did. Do any of these situations sound familiar? If so, you are not alone. Many spouses could relate to one of these descriptions.
About half of all marriages in the United States end in divorce. It is obvious that many people do not get married and live "happily ever after." However, marriage continues to be an important goal for most Americans. In fact, over 90 percent of adults will get married at least once in their lifetime. Most spouses start out full of hopes and dreams and are truly committed to making their marriage work. Yet as the reality of living with a less than perfect spouse sets in and the pressures of life build, many individuals feel less romantic and do not find as much satisfaction in their relationships. All marriages change over time. But with hard work and dedication, people can keep their marriages strong and enjoyable. How is it done? What does it take to create a long-lasting, satisfying marriage?
A volume of research indicates that most successful marriages share some key characteristics. This guide will explore these in detail. It will also focus on marital conflict and the skills needed to handle it effectively. Finally, the guide will discuss ways that spouses can strengthen their marriages.
Characteristics of happy and satisfying marriages
Consider the positive aspects of your marriage. What are you doing that works well and brings you and your spouse joy and happiness? If you have a satisfying marriage, chances are that your relationship has high levels of positivity, empathy, commitment, acceptance, love and respect. These are some of the characteristics that researchers have found to be common in successful marriages. Let's look at each of these factors.
Positivity
John Gottman, one of the nation's leading experts on marital relationships, has found that the main difference between stable and unstable marriages is the amount of positive thoughts and actions spouses engage in toward each other. Through careful observation of hundreds of couples, he has come to the conclusion that successful spouses have far more positive than negative interactions. If there is too much negativity -- criticizing, demanding, name-calling, holding grudges, etc. -- the relationship will suffer. However, if there is never any negativity, it probably means that frustrations and grievances are not getting air time and unresolved tension is accumulating inside one or both partners. The key is balance between the two extremes. There are many ways to foster positivity in a marriage. Being affectionate, truly listening to each other, taking joy in each other's achievements and being playful are just a few examples of positive interactions that help make marriages successful.
Empathy
Another characteristic of happy marriages is empathy. Empathy means understanding a person's perspective by putting oneself in his or her shoes. Many researchers have shown that empathy is important for relationship satisfaction. People are more likely to feel good about their marriage and spouse if their partner expresses empathy towards them. Husbands and wives are more content in their relationships when they perceive that their spouses truly understand their thoughts and feelings.
Commitment
Successful marriages involve both spouses' commitment to the relationship. When two people are truly dedicated to making their marriage work, despite the unavoidable challenges and obstacles that come, they are much more likely to have a relationship that lasts. In most Western cultures, individualism is highly valued. Individualism focuses on the needs and fulfillment of the self. Being attentive to one's own needs is important, but if it is not balanced by a concern for the needs of others, it can easily lead to selfishness in marriage. Husbands and wives who only focus on themselves and their own desires are not as likely to find joy and satisfaction in their relationships. However, when spouses are committed to investing in their marriage and are willing to sacrifice some of their own preferences for the good of the relationship, they usually have high-quality marriages.
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Overcoming Anxiety
SYMPTOMS OF ANXIETY
Physical symptoms: Social symptoms: Psychological:
Stress sensations
Rapid heartbeat
Chest tightness
Tension headaches
Light headedness
Sweaty palms
Fatigue, low energy
Sleep disturbance
Shyness
Introversion
Nervousness
Self consciousness
Fear of embarrassment
Fear of public speaking
Dwelling on mistakes
Extreme sensitivity
Frequent worry
Fearing the worst
Fearing insanity
Slight paranoia
What if thinking
Overly analytical
Deep thinking
More
Other: Anxiety Attacks Agoraphobia Unreality Hypochondria Depression
ARE YOU EXPERIENCING ANXIETY
You are not alone. It is estimated that over 40 million people in the United States alone are affected by anxiety disorder (source: U.S. Census Data / National Institute of Mental Health). But when many of us encounter anxiety, we're not aware of what it is or what to do about it. And that's part of what makes the experience so traumatic - that feeling of having no control over a misunderstood mental state.
WHAT CAUSES ANXIETY?
Anxiety usually arises as a result of ongoing stress or worry, both of which are kind of the same thing. Life provides an endless stream of material to worry about if that's how our mind is conditioned. Anxious people eventually create a general environment of fear in their minds, and eventually the subconscious mind begins to interpret these mental images as real danger. You're imagining all these negative, uncomfortable or even catastrophic scenarios, and sooner or later your mind reacts to those images as reality and slips you into a fearful "self-preservation" mode, and begins releasing stress hormones like adrenaline into your body.
Now you may not realize this at the time, because you don't have the usual visual signs of danger associated with adrenaline. But if you compare the sensation of fear and adrenaline to that of anxiety, you'll recognize the similarity. The big difference with anxiety is that because the sense of danger is not being created by visual threat, but rather by your mind's ongoing negative thoughts and expectations, the fear response can endure for long periods of time. Symptoms of anxiety may start with elevated heart rate and a general sense of uneasiness or nervousness, but over time can branch into a wide variety of things: headaches, sweaty palms, muscle fatigue, indigestion, diarrea, dizziness, lightheadedness, chest pain, and more.
Some other common manifestations of anxiety include anxiety attacks and panic attacks, unreality and depersonalization, hypochondria, agoraphobia, insomnia, and depression. Because of the severe impact these particular conditions can have on the person experiencing them, anxiety often evolves into one or more of these symptoms before help is sought.
YOU HAVE OPTIONS
There are many approaches to managing anxiety. You might start the process by getting plenty of exercise (to release excess body energy that can transform into anxiety), and avoiding caffeine or other drugs (which can artificially increase stress hormones).
However, while such external changes may initially reduce anxiety levels, the real source of anxiety is usually internal. And that's what the MC2 Method targets. After you start using the tools we'll discuss, you'll eventually feel an inner strength that you've probably never known before. The only reason you have anxiety and the next person doesn't, is because they're probably using some of the same concepts that we'll cover without even knowing it. Whether you have simple stress and malaise, or if you're housebound with fear, the MC2 Method may define a whole new approach to living for you.
While psychiatrists would likely prescribe medication to temporarily suppress the symptoms of anxiety, our program gives you the tools to permanently eliminate the underlying CAUSE of anxiety.
WHAT IS THE MC2 METHOD?
While the MC2 Method is really something that must be experienced to be understood, we can begin by describing it simply that it is a "mental technique". However, the MC2 Method is not limited to "eyes closed" application like meditation would be, and the actual inner process that takes place is quite different. If you've tried meditation or relaxation before, you probably found that anxiety is almost impossible to "ignore" or "relax" away. The MC2 Method directly dissolves anxiety, rather suppressing it.
COMING FROM SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN THERE
As the author of the MC2 Method audio program, I personally lived with anxiety for years, feeling its effects ranging from mild nervousness and malaise, to severe panic, depression and near hopelessness at times. I developed the original technique for my own use and have personally applied it to my life with amazing effectiveness. With it I know that I can handle anything and never have to worry about anxiety again. I chose to make this program available because I remember how painful anxiety can be, and know that others will also benefit from this immensely powerful technique.
Reconciliation after Seperation
Toronto marriage counselling service: Beth Mares home page
Relationship counselling, Toronto
Reconciliation after separation
Dear Beth, Two months ago I told my husband to leave, after 11 years of being together. We were fighting a lot and not communicating well at all. Over the past two months I have gone through stages of thinking that it was definitely over - and that I was okay with that - to my recent feelings of really wanting to work it out. We have spoken over the last two months, but usually briefly and over 'belongings'. Most conversations have been civil. I had asked my husband many times to go to counselling with me - he repeated refused! Now that I know that I don't want to walk away from this relationship, how do I open the door again? He told me a couple days ago that he couldn't make any promises, but maybe in March we could get together to talk, and that maybe he would go for counselling. How do I proceed? Is it fair for the ball to always be in his court? I would appreciate any advice you could provide to get 'us' back on track.
Beth Answers: I think the thing to concentrate on now is building up your own independent life, for several reasons. One is that when a couple is quarrelling it usually indicates that they are too emotionally dependent on each other, and need to learn how to be more independent and separate; so this would help to prepare you for a future relationship (whether with him or someone else). It should also reduce or eliminate the power imbalance that I think you are perceiving in the relationship when you say "is it fair for the ball always to be in his court?". You will likely need the help of a counsellor to do this. You might be able to find one that could also do the couple counselling later on if it happens. This separation may be a great opportunity.
Helping Children Overcome Stress and Fear
Helping Children Overcome Stress and Fear
By Debbie Milam
News of an impending war, terrorism alerts, and the economy has created an enormous amount of stress for many adults and this stress greatly affects our children. When we are fearful, are children are fearful. When we are stressed, our children are stressed. So what steps can we take to help ourselves and our children let go of stress and fear?
• Make time to de-stress yourself: One of the most powerful ways to distress yourself is waking up half hour before your kids and spending that time in meditation or prayer. Journaling is also another wonderful tool to help release stress. Finally, spend some time nurturing yourself by taking a warm bath with lavender oil and kosher salt, give yourself a massage, exercise, or go for a walk.
• Turn off the news: As negative as the news is for adults it is even more fear evoking for a child. If you choose to teach your children about world events do so by reading the headlines on the internet or in newspaper together.
• Teach children to meditate: Children are perfect candidates for meditation because they have such vivid imaginations. A simple way to begin is to have your child find a quiet spot where they won’t be disturbed. Have them close your eyes and ask them to take a deep breath in through their nose and feel the breath travel down into their belly. Have them hold the breath for several seconds and exhale through their mouth. Repeat this 3 times. This type of breathing is very effective to use whenever you or your children are having a stressful moment. Then simply have them think about playing at the beach or in a park.
• Laugh: Laughter is one of the most powerful tools for reducing stress and fear. Read joke books, have a silly face contest, watch a funny movie, find humor in every situation, learn to laugh at yourself and teach your children to laugh at themselves also.
• Spend time with your children outside in nature: Nature has a wonderfully calming effect on the body, mind, and spirit. Take time when you or your children are stressed or fearful to visit the beach, a park, or the mountains.
• Listen to beautiful music together: New Age, Classical, Jazz, or Nature Sounds helps to quiet down fearful and stressful thoughts in both adults and children.
• Spend time talking about their fears: Sometimes children just need to express what is on their mind. Work together to seek solutions for overcoming fear.
• If your children’s fear or stress level is limiting them from enjoying life seek professional help: There are wonderful play therapists that can help children relax and let go of fear.
As parents and educators there are so many ways we can encourage our children to face their fears and overcome the stress. By empowering them with these strategies they can truly achieve their highest potential.
Dealing with Abandonment Issues
Dealing with Abandonment Issues
by Sue Anderson
When a relationship ends, both partners experience turmoil and loss, but the one who is left feeling abandoned bears the brunt of the pain. Why does it hurt so much when someone leaves us?
Loving and wanting someone who does not love us back engenders a deep personal wound. Rejection hits a raw nerve whose root begins in childhood. It arouses our abandonment issues. Abandonment is primal fear, the first fear that each of us experience as an infant. It is the fear that we will be left, literally abandoned, with no one to care for us. Abandonment's wound is cumulative. It contains all of our losses, disconnections and disappointments from early on, the death of a parent, a teenage breakup, being out-shown by a sibling, these experiences make us more susceptible to heartbreak when we are abandoned as adults.
The abandonment wound, stored deep within the limbic brain, is easily triggered. You feel its raw nerve twinge when you fail to get recognition at work, a friend forgets to invite you to a party, or a date you thought was special did not call back. When being left is the trigger, core abandonment fears erupt. Stress hormones course through our bodies, compelling even the strongest among us to feel desperate and dependent. However self-sufficient we think we are, we suddenly feel we can’t live without him/her.
Being left also kicks up our control issues. The breakup wasn't our choice. Someone else cast us into this aloneness by choosing not to be with us. We feel at loss of our personal power to compel another person's love. "I must be unlovable and unworthy for him to discard me like that." Abandonment is similar to other types of bereavement, but its grief is complicated by rejection and betrayal. We turn the rage against ourselves, accounting for the severe depression that accompanies heartbreak. When we blame the breakup on our supposed inadequacies, we abandon ourselves. We automatically think to ourselves, “There must be something wrong with me that makes me not worth keeping.”
We emerge not only disconnected from self-love, but with a heightened fear of abandonment. If one person can discard us, we fear others will do the same to us in the future. Rather than dissipate, this fear tends to incubate. Its insecurity burrows deep within us where it sabotages our relationships. The fear of being left makes it more difficult to let go. The rejection creates nagging conflict; closure remains incomplete. We feel unjustly dismissed and we long for an opportunity to vindicate the hurt. We are left alone to grapple with the broken pieces. Mixed with our rage is a desire for our ex to come back to take away the hurt and rejection.
The paradox of abandonment is the tendency to idealize the abandoner. He or she emerges in our imaginations as a powerful figure. We assume she must be very special to have caused this much torment simply by being absent. The intense craving is confusing to our limbic brain. Stress hormones course through our bodies, causing a heightened response to anything related to our ex for a long time. An important thing to understand is there are five universal stages that accompany the loss of love: Shattering, Withdrawal, Internalizing, Rage, and Lifting. As we make our way through these stages of grief and recovery, we build self-esteem, resolve fear and self-doubt and restore the spirit.
The Five Stages of Abandonment are: 1. Shattering: Severing of love-connection, devastation, shattering of hopes and dreams. The emotions are shock, panic, despair, feeling you can't live without your love. 2. Withdrawal: You're in painful withdrawal of love-loss, as intense as heroin withdrawal. The emotions are yearning, craving, obsessing, longing for your ex's return. 3. Internalizing: As you try to making sense of the rejection, you doubt and blame yourself. Idealizing the abandoner at your own expense, narcissistic injury sets in and fear incubates. 4. Rage: Reversing the rejection and having retaliatory feelings. Displacing anger on friends who don't understand or are critical of the abandoner leads to more unhealthy action. 5. Lifting: Rising out despair, life begins to distract you. You begin to open to love again and all its possibilities. You “SWIRL” through all the stages over and over until you emerge out the end of the tunnel a changed person capable of greater life and love than before.
Susan Anderson is a psychotherapist and author of “Journey from Heartbreak to Connection,” “Journey from Abandonment to Healing” and “Black Swan.” She is founder of abandonment recovery and www.abandonment.net, a program of support groups and healing techniques, the result of over twenty-five years of research, clinical practice and personal experience.
Relationships/commitment
HOME::Relationships/Commitment
Relationship Success - The ABCs of Successful Relationships
By Michelle Vasquez
Appreciation & Acceptance: Many people need appreciation more than their need love. Accepting your partner and letting go of the need to fix him/her is a sign of maturity and will help you live a more peaceful life.
Benevolence: See your partner with loving eyes. Remember daily why you chose to be together.
Commitment: Without commitment, you don't have a relationship. Commitment is the glue that holds the relationship together. When you're committed, you're saying, "I'll do whatever it takes to make my relationship work."
Dropping Defenses: When you defend yourself, you are looking at your partner as if s/he were your enemy. Seek first to understand instead of raising your shields.
Encouragement: Invest in your relationship by being generous with your words of encouragement.
Forgiveness: We all make mistakes. Choose to be the first to forgive and you'll find that you're forgiven quickly when you mess up.
Gratitude: Choose to find reasons to be grateful for your relationship. Start a Gratitude Journal and list three things you're grateful for every day. You'll be pleasantly surprised at the results.
Honesty: Brutal honesty and "constructive criticism" have no place in a successful relationship. Tactfully expressing your thoughts and feelings creates a safe place for your relationship to grow. This is the kind of honesty that nourishes relationships.
Interdependence: This is a balance between the extremes of codependency and extreme independence. People in successful relationships know they can depend on each other while still having the freedom to learn and grow in their own interests. They are secure with themselves and in their relationship.
Joy: Express your excitement to each other when you have successes. Find reasons to be joyful. Watch silly comedies if you can't find a reason to laugh. Laughter is a crucial element in successful relationships.
Kindness: Practice random acts of kindness in your relationship. Think "simple and small." It will be noticed and appreciated.
Loyalty: Be respectful of your partner's privacy. If you speak about your partner to others, make sure you say kind things about her/him. Remember that if you gain sympathy from friends and family by telling them how bad your partner is, they may also resent your partner (and you) when you resolve the conflict. Talk to a professional instead, be it a relationship coach, a marriage counselor, a pastor or a priest.
Maturity: Maturity means you can choose whether to engage in an argument. You can step back and assess a situation without jumping to conclusions. You're ready to listen to your partner. You avoid mind-reading, and instead you seek to understand.
Negotiating Differences: When you have the inevitable conflicts, you look for solutions and stay away from blame. Blame makes you the victim and keeps you from taking responsibility. It stunts your personal growth.
Open to New Ideas: You choose to live an Aware Life, on a path of growth. You realize that your relationship needs nurturing to grow.
Paying Attention: You'll know your partner's likes and dislikes if you simply pay attention. Be aware of your partner's successes and failures. Share in the joy and be attentive to the pain.
Quiet Time Together: Quality time together doesn't always mean "talk time." Watch a movie, read a book, or simply be in the same room together. These are simple ways to spend quiet time together.
Respect: The old adage "give respect to get respect" is so important in your relationship. If you belittle and criticize your partner, and then complain that s/he doesn't respect you, you're expecting your partner to change first. That rarely works. What else can you do?
Strong Support System: You need support to keep your relationship viable. If it takes a whole village to raise a child, it takes a whole village to help a relationship thrive. Surround yourself with people who want your relationship to succeed.
Trust: Decide to give your partner your trust. In return be trustworthy.
Unselfish Attitude: When relationships go sour, somebody got selfish. Examine your behavior. Do you always want things your way? Do you think of yourself first?
Volunteering: Unless your relationship began with a shotgun (shotgun wedding), you volunteered to be here. Nobody forced you to be in this relationship. When you volunteer to do something, you commit to being there and doing what it takes to get the job done.
Warmth: Too many times when people argue, they punish each other with cold, silent withdrawal. Keep in mind that you can take time apart to think over your differences without resorting to a week of silent treatment. Create a new strategy for conflict: agree to take a break to cool off and work on finding a solution.
Xenial Attitude: The word xenial relates to being kind to strangers. If you treat your partner the way you would treat a stranger, with politeness and courtesy, you will avoid the trap of that old Mills Brothers song, "You always hurt the one you love, the one you shouldn't hurt at all."
Yielding: This doesn't mean you just have to "just take it" when you're in a conflict. The ability to yield demands a high level of maturity and self-confidence. You can stop a fight by simply yielding. It doesn't mean you think you're wrong; it can mean you would rather "win" the relationship than win the argument.
Zeal & Zest: Be passionate about your relationship. Celebrate your successes together. Take time to remember why you fell in love with each other.
Levin wrote:
Dear husbands and wives,
This is my first posting to this group, and my topic is probably one
that has been covered ad nauseam in this group.
My situation is the same! If you haven't read my post, my husband has
LD and is possibly hooked on porn as a way to keep interested in sex.
I'm not really
expecting anyone to give me a solution to the problem (though I'm all
ears if you think you might have one), but I would be grateful to hear
about others' experiences, especially from those who have been married
for a long time. I've been married only for two years, and very
happily, but I am getting worried and extremely frustrated about my
wife's decreasing interest in sex. I would never have dreamed that sex
would become the issue in this relationship, much less that this would
happen so soon.
For me this was the worst part too, the shock. It really took me by
surprise and makes me question myself much more. When sex stops being
they way it used to, *I* think it's only normal that we get a little
paranoid. It's all tied to our emotions and ego, of course we get
upset!
> We met 2.5 years ago, fell madly in love and decided to get married
> very quickly. We are both around 30. Intellectually we are on a very
> similar plane, we talk and joke a lot; we are fascinated about each
> other's work; we have ample time to do things like hike, go out, see
> performances, cook together, etc. etc; we touch each other a lot; we
> are close to each other's families. All in all, I consider us very
> lucky.
You are! I wish I had the kind of connection you two have! We are only
married a year, so I hope that one day my marriage will be as you
describe!
At the beginning of our relationship, the sex was wonderful -
> wild, uninhibited, experimental, and frequent. Her interest has very
> steadily decreased, and nowadays we make love once or twice a month.
> For me the ideal frequency would be around 5 times a week, though at
> the point when we had sex only twice a week I wasn't yet at all worried
> or frustrated. It is hard to try anything new when sex is such a
> rarity, and because she doesn't like it being initiated verbally.
> Sometimes we do fall into a less-than-fully-satisfying routine, which
> wouldn't be such a big deal in a relationship where love-making is more
> regular, but is quite frustrating when that one time is supposed to be
> the oasis in the middle of a desert.
Amen! If you are waiting and waiting and then the little sex you do get
falls flat, it really crushes your spirit! I can attest to this! I've
gotten to the point where I really regret making a move because if my
husband's not into it he can barely perform and the sex is all about
him, i.e. trying to get things "going" for him. It's very frustrating
because he used to need so little in that department, now it's our main
focus. I feel your pain that's for sure.
> I fear that marital sex isn't enough for her, though she would strongly
> disagree with such a claim. But the truth is that most of her adult
> Life has been all about sex; in her wild polygamic youth she had so
> many partners that she has lost count, and has tried everything from
> other girls to group sex. Her curiosity and intense sexual desire were
> very evident during the initial period of our relationship.
Same thing happened with us. He was always starting sex with me, I in
fact had to run him off at times if I wasn't up to it. If I could only
have those squandered offerings back... sorry for the mellow drama.
I'm quite
> sure that I've been relatively successful in not pressuring her, but
> this has also lead to me not communicating my frustration to her in
> almost any way. I feel that talking to her about it won't make things
> better - she will just feel pressured and inadequate, and will
> obviously not want me more just because I ask her to.
Learn from my mistakes, and don't talk about it too much! I'm trying to
become an observer. Watch her more and see if she's sends signals that
you haven't had to pick up on before. When my sex life with my husband
was in over drive, I never really had to *look* for anything, it just
was there for the taking. It caused me to be left at a loss when things
changed between us. I'm trying to remove my ego and hurt feelings from
the situation (though I have shed many a private tear about it) and I'm
trying to be a bit more level headed about it. If you are like me and
have a spouse that you are very attracted to it's very hard to think
about anything else! I'm hoping in time we'll get back in sync.
Sometimes she
> feels the need to offer explanations, and while I'm sure she believes
> her own reasons, they are certainly not at the core of the problem.
> Initially she said that it is all due to her work, which is physically
> demanding, and which simultaneously exhausts her and gives her a sense
> of physical satisfaction. At some point, she said that the subconscious
> expectation of regular marital sex turns her off, or that our constant
> proximity turns her off, or just plain everyday stress turns her off.
> The truth of the matter is that even when we avoid proximity by
> sleeping in separate beds, or after spending time apart in different
> countries, or when we are on vacation, and or she is taking a break
> from her work, there doesn't seem to be a difference in her desire.
> Her last explanation was: "I think I'm just not a very sexual person."
My husband tried this one on me too. I don't believe him or your wife.
I think it's much easier to just say that then work on it. If sex has
never been work (it never HAD been between us before) I think it feels
bad at first to have to "work" at it, at least I know it does for me,
so I'm sure it does for my husband and your wife. I can't see giving up
though; I think that would end disastrously for all concerned.
> Because of everything mentioned above, it is hard for me to believe
> this, and it also hurts me to hear this. Perhaps she just can't
> remain interested in making love with one and the same person
> indefinitely. Before we got married she even said that this used to be
> one of the main fears she had about marriage (she wasn't, however, at
> all afraid to get married and was talking in past tense). I think she
> wouldn't want to admit this to herself, let alone to me.
> Another interesting thing about her psyche is that she doesn't have
> sexual fantasies at all. All her wildest experiences as a college
> student "just happened," she was never seeking for a particular
> kind of experience.
I don't know your wife, but if she's anything like my husband, I think
she's being misleading here too. EVERYONE has fantasies! My husband
won't discuss he's either. It hard when the person you're striving so
hard to learn throws up these road blocks! If you get anywhere I love
to hear about it. I think talking about sex is like talking about
chocolate, as soon as you say the word you want some! LOL! But my hub
hates to talk about it at all. Like I said, I'd love to hear from
anyone that breaks through this.
click on title to read on
Six Steps to a Healthy Self-Esteem
by John Leonard
Are you in control of your life and career, or do you feel trapped in some dead-end job that seems to be sucking the energy out of you? Do you believe you have the power to shape your destiny and call the shots, or do you believe you are forever at the mercy of nameless, faceless forces over which you have no control? The answers to these questions can be very different, depending on your level of self-esteem. As Dr. Nathaniel Brandner points out in his book How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, "How you feel about yourself crucially affects virtually every aspect of your experience."
Self-esteem is the key component that allows you to confront problems, improve and promote yourself, be resilient in the face of apparent failure, and take charge of your life. When your self-esteem is high, problems are not looked upon as roadblocks but as opportunities for success. When your self-esteem is high, you are proactive rather than reactive, you have the confidence to seek out others for their wisdom, and are in turn sought out for your expertise. You have a can-do persona which energizes others and makes them respond to you positively.
If you already have a high level of self-esteem, great; if you don't, how can you develop it? It is not enough merely to have a "wish list" that will make everything happen as if with an uncorked genie. You need a system, a series of steps to effect the self-improvement that will change your entire approach to life.
A couple of weeks ago I was driving back to the East Coast from a football game in Indiana, and I picked up a radio talk show from Atlanta. The guest was Jack Canfield, whose Chicken Soup for the Soul books (written with Mark Victor Hansen) are models of inspiration for people who don't believe they have the power to change their lives. He told two stories--different people, different situations, different areas of the country, but similar modi operandi and similar results. I may have missed some points, but these are the basic stories. First, there was a group of women who wanted out of a ghetto in Chicago. They hadn't even graduated from high school. They traded off baby-sitting responsibilities, took G.E.D. programs, entered community colleges, worked at part-time jobs, earned degrees, went to four-year schools, and ultimately owned houses in the suburbs. Second, there was a chiropractor on the West Coast who desired a practice in Monterey, California. Problem: absolutely no need for another chiropractor in Monterey, which already had one for every eighty-eight people. He surveyed the populace, enclosing a questionnaire with four well-thought-out questions and analyzed the results. He then opened a practice that responded to the needs expressed, and became hugely successful. In both cases, the people had a plan and the conviction to carry it out, despite the nay-sayers and skeptics who told them it was just a pipe dream.
How do we develop self-esteem? What are some of the steps to take to break what Dr. Brandner calls the "cycle of self-defeating behavior generated by a deficient self-esteem"? I would like to offer six suggestions. Try to follow them rigorously so that they become part of your daily routine. Be warned: This is not some Aladdin's Lamp, which when rubbed will result in miraculous change; like physical exercise, it will be hard work. The results should make it all worthwhile.
• Know What You Want
Whether it's a new job, new organization, or career change, what do you want? What is your goal? If you could do or be anything in the world, what would it be? Why do you want to do or be this thing? What's your motivation? What are the jobs or careers that fit the bill? Do they have a common theme? The Seven Stories Exercise, along with some of the other self-assessment techniques used at The Five O'Clock Club, is valuable in helping you get a handle on what you want to do. Even if you can't pinpoint exactly what this "thing" is, it is still helpful to try to describe it to yourself. Then learn to use your very uncertainty to brainstorm ideas and possibilities with others.
If you are entering a negotiation--or even attending any kind of routine meeting--it is critical to know just what you expect as an outcome. I know people who have gone into negotiations with the attitude of "I'll see what they come up with" or "what they have to offer," believing that such flexibility would provide them with the best negotiating posture. Unfortunately, when the offers were tendered, they lost that "edge," because they didn't have any inner standard with which to measure the appropriateness of the offers.
• Use Self-Talk and Imagineering
Write down a list of adjectives that describe you. Put the negative ones on the left, positives on the right. Then draw a line through the negatives, and replace them with their opposites. When you've finished, prioritize the qualities on this list in terms of their relevance and importance to your goal or objective. This list will be like a bible. Take it with you wherever you go, read it--recite it to yourself--first thing in the morning and last thing at night. In their book, CareerTracking, authors Jimmy Calano and Jeff Salzman write that you have to reprogram yourself with these "affirmations." They can be a powerful device in creating change and promoting self-improvement.
Write down what you have to do in order to realize the positive attributes or descriptives you have substituted on the problem side of the ledger. Do you smoke, but wish to give it up? If you're overweight, what do you want to look like? How are you going to accomplish these objectives? Denis Waitley recommends a technique called "imagineering," while others, including Calano and Salzman term it "visualization." Basically, it involves imagining yourself as if the improvement has already occurred. Sports figures and business leaders are legendary devotees of visualization techniques. Derrick Mayes, the All-American wide receiver for Notre Dame, said he visualizes himself going down the field, eluding the defense, and jumping up in the air to make the catch. Furthermore, he "sees" specific obstacles in his way, and makes the mental adjustment so that when the real-life situation occurs, he can respond within a split-second.
After you visualize the desired outcome, figure out what you have to do to get there. If your objective is a new career, what experience or education is prerequisite? What must you do to reposition yourself to fit the picture?
• Change Your Perspective
In The Double Win, author Waitley writes of a woman in one of his seminars. When asked if she was attending the seminar alone, she replied, "No, I'm divorced." Pursuing it, he asked how long she'd been single. She answered, "I'm divorced two years now." He said, "Then you are single now!" Obviously this woman needed to change her thinking to reflect her present status in a more positive way. I know job hunters who get stuck by focusing on their failures, not their successes. They only see what experience they lack, not what extraordinary qualifications they present. Negative labels, mistakes, and failures carry forward. It is useful to be able to view the same situation from another vantage point. To accomplish this, many suggest a change in one's routine, from as simple an activity as going to work a different way to developing an appreciation for the arts, or taking up a new sport.
One of the best things you can do is help others. The possibilities here are limitless: work at a soup kitchen for the homeless; deliver meals to the sick or elderly; read to the sensory impaired; work with AIDS patients, or even join a community or religious organization that lends its space to people providing counsel for the out-of-work. In addition to the obvious benefit of helping the needy, you get an entirely new perspective on your own life.
• Get a Mentor
In The Aladdin Factor, authors Canfield and Hansen provide numerous examples of people who got ahead simply by going to people who had succeeded in that field. One story cited is that of Bob Richards, the record-setting Olympic pole vaulter of the 1950's. He confessed that before his triumphs, he felt sure he had gone as high as he could go in his quest to beat the world record. He had suffered failure upon failure, without moving one inch higher. Finally, he called the world record-holder, who agreed to see him. After observing Richards, the record-holder made some suggestions to improve his technique. Based on getting that advice, Richards went eight inches higher in his next meet. Canfield and Hansen, among others, strongly advocate that anyone trying to achieve something should "talk to the experts."Those who watch golf tournaments will note that the commentators frequently speak of "going to school on the other person's golf shots." It's the same in any endeavor; an expert usually loves to talk to others about how he or she succeeded. The value of such a mentor is incalculable.
• "Build in" Successes
To elevate your self-esteem, it may be necessary to "stack the deck." A successful job hunter once reported that the last call of the day and week determined the mood of his evenings and weekends, respectively. When I was a kid, playing basketball in the playgrounds, I realized that a bad day often carries over to the next one. I decided, therefore, that I needed some measure of success at the end of a day that would allow me to forget the failures. I made it a rule never to "leave the court on a miss." I forced myself to hit five difficult shots in a row before quitting. Many times I'd hit four, or three, but miss the next, so by the time I eventually finished, I might have had a pretty good "hit" percentage working, and I wasn't shackled so much with the earlier failures. We all need to "build in" successes--anything that will allow us to forget what didn't work previously.
• Avoid the Nay-Sayers
In CareerTracking, Calano and Salzman urge people to "associate with positive people." There are folks who just seem to find the negative in everything. They're down, and they bring everyone around them down too. Avoid these people at all costs. I subscribe to a college football publication, and I frequently call the paper to get the "latest scoop." One person there is always negative--"Well, you can't win every year," etc. It drags me down, so I get off the phone as fast as possible. Of course, I know you can't win them all, but I still want to believe at the outset that you can win. Another man sometimes talks about my favorite team in a hopeful way, so I'd much rather speak with him. In staying away from the nay-sayers, you keep a positive attitude. This, in turn, will prompt people to seek you out.
As I said at the beginning, these steps aren't easy, but they are do-able. The six steps must become habits. I believe we can all develop a vastly improved self-esteem if we incorporate the tips outlined above into our daily lives. It is especially important for job hunters and career changers to have a high level of self-esteem to see them through periods of discouragement. Then you will have the power to shape your own destiny and call the shots.
YOUR ESTEEMED SELF
YOUR ESTEEMED SELF
BACK TO HOME
By Suma Varughese
How much do you think you are worth? No, don't check out your bank balance. Look within and assess your self-esteem. For the true measure of your worth
self-esteem,worthVedanta teacher and workshop trainer Acharya Ram Mohan has a question for his students. "If someone close to you were grieving over a failure, would you call them a dolt and write them off, or would you console them?" Inevitably the answer is the latter.
"Why then," Ram Mohan asks, "do you call yourself a fool each time you make a mistake?"
Why indeed? Why do we fail to give ourselves the love, consideration and respect that we offer others? Why is it so hard to do jai (to conquer) unto ourselves?
The answer lies in that contentious issue: self-esteem. "Psychologically, it's a core issue," says Mumbai-based psychiatrist Dayal Mirchandani of India. The well-known psychologist Abraham Maslow, who charted out a hierarchy of human needs, put self-esteem above basic survival needs such as food, shelter and clothing. Nathaniel Branden, the guru of self-esteem issues, says in The Six Pillars of Self-esteem: "The level of our self-esteem has profound consequences for every aspect of our existence—how we operate in the workplace, how we deal with people, how high we are likely to rise, how much we are likely to achieve."
In his book, Healing The Shame That Binds You, John Bradshaw says: "Total self-love and acceptance is the only foundation for happiness and the love of others. Without total self-love and acceptance, we are doomed to the enervating task of creating false selves." Anand Tendolkar, reiki master and workshop guru, recalls his lifelong attempt to match up to his father's expectations. "My father was a perfectionist and a larger-than-life figure. For 40 years, I tried to be like him. Today, it's such a freedom simply to be me," he says.
Self-acceptance, self-love, a positive self-image, the freedom to be ourselves; all these are crucial aspects of self-esteem. Whether seen from the ultimate perspective of spirituality, which exhorts us to be our true self, or from the more modest psychological imperative to develop a positive self-image, the struggle towards self-esteem is everyman's journey.
Says Branden: "Healthy self-esteem correlates with rationality, realism, intuitiveness, creativity, independence, flexibility, ability to manage change, willingness to admit (and correct) mistakes, benevolence and cooperation. Poor self-esteem correlates with irrationality, blindness to reality, rigidity, fear of the new and unfamiliar, inappropriate conformity or inappropriate rebelliousness, defensiveness, an overly compliant or controlling behavior, and fear or hostility towards others."
Self-esteem becomes a wide-ranging term for it is intimately connected with our relationship with our selves. That relationship determines everything about our lives. Every problem that we have—relationships, health, money or work—is ultimately caused by inadequate self-esteem. Branden, in fact, describes it as the one common denominator in all neurotic problems. He sees them either as direct expression of or a defense against inadequate self-esteem. Yet the subject has not received the kind of attention that it deserves. Unless our self-esteem plummets to the extent that we can no longer handle our lives effectively, we are content to leave it alone. The reason is that few of us are really conscious of its wide-ranging impact on our lives.
Says writer Devi Narayan: "Before I started reiki, I didn't know I had low self-esteem. I used to think I was just being negative. I was unhappy with my job but did not have the confidence to leave it. Reiki made me aware that the way I react to situations is based on how I feel about myself."
From the spiritual perspective, one is free of self-esteem problems only when one transcends the ego. Paradoxically, we need to develop a healthy ego before we can transcend it. Psychologists agree that low self-esteem is related to weak ego boundaries. Says Bradshaw: "An ego boundary is internal strength by which a person guards her inner space. Without boundaries a person has no protection. A strong boundary is like a door with the doorknob on the inside. A weak ego boundary is like a door with the doorknob on the outside." Says Acharya Ram Mohan: "Ego problems arise from low self-esteem. Egoistic people are insecure about themselves." Hence, only one with a healthy self-esteem is qualified for spiritual evolution.
So how do psychologists define self-esteem? There is no single definition. However, Branden offers a comprehensive understanding of the term in The Six Pillars of Self-esteem: "Self-esteem is the disposition of experiencing oneself as competent in coping with the basic challenges of life and as being worthy of happiness." There are two components to Branden's definition. The first he calls self-efficacy: "Confidence in the functioning of my mind, in my ability to think, understand, learn, choose, and make decisions; confidence in my ability to understand the facts of reality that fall within the sphere of my interests and needs; self-trust, self-reliance."
The second is self-respect: "Self-respect means assurance of my value; an affirmative attitude towards my right to live and be happy; comfort in appropriately asserting my thoughts, wants and needs; the feeling that joy and fulfillment are my natural birthright." Branden further subdivides these two factors into six components:
click on title to read on
Raise Your Self-Esteem To Raise The World!
Author~Speaker~Lyca Shan
Founder of Firewalker Enterprises and BlackBeltDreamer.com
"Just Imagine If You Could Overcome
Any Obstacle In Your Life..."
Firewalker Enterprises was born with the publication of the autobiographical book "Firewalker" and has expanded to touch on a variety of other creative efforts including the High Self-Esteem website, all sharing one very powerful message:
"Your Past Does Not Dictate Your Future!"
Listen To Lyca's Welcome Message
Falling victim to one’s environment is a cliché that has echoed throughout society to the point of exhaustion, but are we really victims of our surroundings? I believe that despite our environment, every person possesses the inner strength to rise above their individual circumstances and find happiness within themselves.
So how does self-esteem fit into this picture?
We hear the phrase "self-esteem" all the time, but what does that really mean? Isn't it a pivotal part of how we see and interact with the world around us? If our world is a reflection of us, then self-esteem is our paintbrush. Imagine it's one of those rare days where everything seems to "go right". Have you ever had one of those? You get up rested, you smile at yourself in the mirror, you actually like what you see. You master your domain effortlessly. And people seem friendlier and want to be around you.
Contrast that with the opposite, one of those "Other" days, you slap at the alarm 4 times, finally rolling out of bed 10 minutes late, hanging your head "Oh yuck, another Monday!" You stumble into the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee, snap at the kids, kick the dog...well ok not really...but you get the picture.
Have you noticed one of the key elements involved in both experiences is how you are feeling about yourself? About what you are doing with your life, where you are going, and how you perceive everyone around you is colored by that all encompassing factor; your self esteem.
Quote
"The lower your self-esteem, the more apt you are to believe that someone else holds the key to your happiness."
-- Hellen Hemphill--
Why am I expanding my projects to create a website around the central theme of self-esteem? Well as one of my favorite mentors John Di Lemme says: "I believe in the power of story telling!"
Here I am with John at one of his seminars:
So here is my story:
At the age of eight, I was taken from Boston and transported to a remote compound in Northern Maine where I spent over the next ten years in what I can only refer to as a cult. Freedom of speech, self-expression, free will and independence were forbidden and resulted in harsh punishment, even exile. My self-esteem was crushed by years of systematic and repeated mental and emotional abuse. Yet my internal compass stayed the course and I finally mustered enough courage to leave the cult in 1989 and joined my younger sister who had escaped to Washington where I was briefly reunited with my brother who I hadn’t seen in five years.
This was my first time in the real world – I didn’t even know how to use a pay phone. I worked a string of odd jobs, putting myself through school where I earned an Associates degree in computer science. Since then I have worked for fortune 500 companies such as AT&T and Nextel Communications as a systems engineer and project manager.
Though I had attained financial and professional success, I still had to wrestle with the emotional chains I carried and that ever debilitating hang-over of low self esteem. In an attempt to free myself from this haunting past, I dedicated myself to writing my story and published my autobiography "Firewalker."The process of expression through writing became a burning drive; it was something I HAD to do, for myself and for you. At my lowest points in life (there’s been more than one), a powerful and imaginative warrior was always there to rescue me. Now I know that warrior was me! Even when I only saw myself as a worthless, helpless victim, that voice within me dared to ask questions, challenge negative thoughts and fuel me to imagine a different set of circumstances.
Writing became my personal healing process and is now a universal testimony to the dream warrior that lives within every single human being. Through this process I developed a deeper understanding of the significance of self esteem in our lives. My autobiography is entitled Firewalker, not only because I have literally walked on burning coals (I had the amazing experience of actually doing a firewalk,) but because I had to walk through fire in order to help myself and to show you that there is no tragedy you cannot conquer.
So now, among my other projects, I am dedicating my time to creating this website on the theme of high self-esteem and how it affects not only ourselves, but the world we touch as a whole.
So high self-esteem is truly one of the most important and valuable commodities you can possess. Some people have been known to raise an eyebrow and act as if that might be a selfish preoccupation. I can only say that if how you treat yourself is a measure of how you treat other people, then we all need to learn to treat ourselves very well indeed!
Using Cross Cultural Communication to Improve Relationships
In culturally diverse communities, differences may be expected to exist in the communication styles of students, teachers, parents, administrators and noninstructional staff. Perhaps the most important reason for educators to understand cross cultural communication is to improve their relations with the diverse groups of students and parents they will encounter. If left ignored, communication differences will inevitably lead to various types of miscommunication which may lead, in turn, to conflicts which erode school climate and cause certain groups of students usually African American and other nonwhite students to feel unwelcome.
The fact that these circumstances occur is a tragedy, of course. The greater tragedy, however, is that educators do not always know how to eliminate or minimize this type of discord.
Tactics for Removing Cross CulturalCommunication Barriers
Once we have established the prerequisites for understanding communication issues, we should then seek to remove cross cultural communication barriers from the school environment. The major tactics that might be employed for this purpose fall under two categories:
# Removing language which appears to stereotype students; and
# Reducing violations of cultural rules during discussions and conversations.
With respect to removing stereotypical language, the following strategies might be useful:
- Be aware of words, images and situations that suggest that all or most members of a racial group are the same.
Example: "Why can't Joe ever be on time?" "He's African American, isn't he?"
- Avoid using qualifiers that reinforce racial and ethnic stereotypes.
Example: "The articulate African American student" implies that African American students typically have low verbal skills.
- Avoid racial identification except when it is essential to communication.
Example: "Judy, an outgoing student" is preferable to "Judy, an outgoing African American female student."
- Be aware of possible negative implications of color symbolism and usage that could offend people or reinforce bias.
Example: Terms such as "black magic" or "black market" can be offensive.
- Avoid language that has questionable racial or ethnic connotations.
Example: Phrases such as "culturally deprived," "culturally disadvantaged" and "you people" have racist overtones. With respect to changing communicative behaviors which violate the cultural rules of others, the following strategies may be useful:
- Be aware of rules for attentiveness during conversation.
Example: The constant maintenance of eye contact while listening during a conversation often violates a conversational rule in working class African American and Hispanic cultures.
- Be aware of rules regarding the distance between speakers during conversation.
Example: In some cultures, speakers stand close enough to touch often. In other cultures, distance is maintained to denote respect.
- Be aware that objects, characters and symbols may reflect different beliefs or values for different groups.
Example: The confederate flag and Uncle Remus stories may offend African Americans because they reflect the culture of slavery and the Old South.
- Be aware that cultures may vary in what they consider humorous or taboo.
Example: Ethnic humor is often perceived by many groups as evidence of racial prejudice. Discussion of in group cultural rules and behaviors with outsiders is considered taboo within many cultures.
- Be aware of different rules for taking turns during conversations.
Example: African American children frequently perceive "breaking in" to reinforce or disagree with another's point to be perfectly permissible, indeed desirable.
- Cultures may use different standards for loudness, speed of delivery, silence, attentiveness and time to respond to another's point.
Example: Many Native American societies place high value on contemplation and tend, therefore, to feel little responsibility to make immediate responses during conversation.
- Be aware of different cultural rules for entering into conversations in progress.
Example: African American students tend to consider conversations as private between recognized participants. Therefore, anyone, including the teacher, who "butts in" is viewed as an eavesdropper and rebuked.
One way to improve relationships across cultural lines, particularly in the upper grades, is to develop a unit on "Communicating with One Another." The purpose of such a unit would be to teach students how to communicate more effectively across cultural lines and how to address and negotiate differences.
It is also useful for teachers to brainstorm with one another on how to remove communication barriers. In addition, a well designed staff development program can lead to better relations among staff and generate effective cross cultural communication activities for the classroom.
It can also be useful for teachers to ask parents to identify sources of miscommunication and socially offensive behavior or language. Parents may be asked to suggest ways that school personnel can improve communication with students, adults and the communities.
While schools have a responsibility to teach students the behavioral I codes of the society at large and to expect students to adhere to them, they have a similar responsibility to reduce culturally induced discipline problems and to avoid misinterpreting cultural differences as behavioral problems.
Domestic Violence
This purpose of this web page is to provide general information on issues related to domestic violence, but is not meant to replace consultation with a mental health professional. If you are concerned about relationship violence in your own life, or that of another, please feel free to contact the FSAP office to set up an appointment.
Do you think you might be in a destructive relationship? If it hurts or scares you, it's not healthy. Relationships should make both partners feel good about themselves and about each other.
Domestic violence occurs when a relationship is based on power and control. The abuse can be physical, verbal, emotional, or sexual. Often, one or more violent incidents are accompanied by an array of other types of abuse. They may not be as obvious, but help to firmly establish a pattern of intimidation and control in the relationship.
Abuse may include one or more of the following types of mistreatment--physical, sexual, and emotional/psychological. These kinds of abuse occurs in every race, class, and educational background, from doctors to truck drivers. It is extremely prevalent with 3 to 4 million women being battered each year in the United States.
The Cycle of Violence
Domestic violence usually follows a cycle that repeats itself continually. This cycle consists of the following three stages.
* Tension or Build Up (Phase 1)
Increased tension, anger, blaming and arguing. This phase may last a week, months, or years. However, it usually becomes more frequent as the cycle is repeated. It typically involves an increase in verbal and minor physical abuse. Sometimes this is enough to frighten the victim into submission. The victim knows what will happen if he/she does not comply. At this point the victim may be amenable to sources of help.
* Battering Incident (Phase 2)
Battering-hitting, slapping, kicking, choking, use of objects or weapons. Sexual abuse. Verbal threats and abuse. During this phase the batterer loses the desire or ability to control his/her anger and violence. The batterer learns that this type of action helps to "relieve stress" and "change behavior". Just following this episode the batterer and the partner are most likely to seek help. The partner is hurt and scared, and the batterer is feeling ashamed, guilty and humiliated.
* Calm or Honeymoon Stage (Phase 3)
This stage may decrease over time. The batterer may deny violence; say he/she was drunk, say sorry and promise that it will never happen again. The victim is least amenable to help at this point. However, the batterer may be most open to help at the start of this phase because typically, he/she is remorseful and wishes to please (keep) the partner. At the peak of this stage both parties may deny or distort what has occurred.
Then, Phase 1 begins again... The truth is that change is unlikely unless you get help. The victims want to believe the abuser when they promise it will never happen again, but in most cases it does. It not only recurs, but escalates each time. Studies indicate that most abusers who seek professional help do so only after their partners have left. Otherwise, they have no incentive to change.
What Should I do?
The first step is to recognize what is happening. It is hard to accept that you are being abused by someone you love. Look over the types of abuse. Do any of the behaviors apply to your life? Take it seriously. Realize you are not alone, and you didn't cause or deserve the abuse. Tell trusted adults and friends. Call the authorities if you've been assaulted or in danger. Call a hotline or the FSAP office. Plan for your safety.
What to do if you are an abuser
If you are an abuser, there are steps you can take as well. Admit that you are hurting someone and make a commitment to stop. Talk to trusted adults and friends about your problem.
Breaking the Cycle of Abuse
Shirley Beeman's mother used to get drunk and beat her daughter with a wooden spoon, even throwing her through the wall on several occasions. When she was just a toddler, a teenage cousin began molesting her, and years later an uncle took over where the cousin left off.
Today, Beeman* has confronted her childhood abuse and discusses it quite openly. Talking about the past and dealing with it, she says, is the only way to move on and lead a healthy life. Beeman is so convinced of this that she studied to become a psychotherapist, and now spends her days helping others work through their own childhood traumas.
Many patients are understandably reluctant to revisit agonizing memories from their childhoods, Beeman says, but it's critical to the healing process. She believes victims who don't deal with their past are often fated to inflict similar abuse on their own children. "Child abuse is a multigenerational process," says Beeman. "It just keeps going and going and going unless you do something to stop it."
This idea is not new. German psychiatrist Alice Miller first wrote about it in the 1980s. Her books, Prisoners of Childhoood: The Drama of the Gifted Child and For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence broke new ground by expanding on a theory of the roots of violence both in families and in Western society as a whole.
The "unconscious compulsion to repeat," Miller writes, will continue until an adult survivor of child abuse consciously relives his or her traumas. An intellectual understanding -- that hitting or belittling a child is wrong, for example -- may not be enough to prevent abuse, simply because the drive to repeat occurs on an unconscious level. Survivors are compelled to replay abusive scenes from their own childhood in an unconscious effort to regain the power they once lost to their own parents, Miller writes.
In some cases, an adult survivor won't repeat abuse his children or other victims, but instead will turn the anger and frustration inward and become depressed. These types of survivors, Beeman says, are more likely to neglect their children than abuse them, and they show an alarming inability to detect when their child may be suffering abuse at the hands of someone else.
"They can't see the behavioral changes" in their own children, Beeman says. "It's like there's a blind spot because they haven't worked through their own history."
Adult survivors may be blind to abuse because they've repressed their own memories of it. Some experts call this "betrayal trauma," and explain that the cruelties a victim is most likely to forget may not be the most terrifying, but the ones that involve being betrayed by someone they love and trust. "Humans can be exquisitely sensitive detectors of betrayal and cheating," writes Jennifer Freyd in her book, Betrayal Trauma: The Logic of Forgetting Childhood Abuse. "But they can also be remarkably blind to betrayal or cheating that may seem obvious to an outside observer."
Breaking the cycle
Coming to terms with the mistreatment suffered as a child -- whether physical, sexual or emotional -- is the only way to break the cycle of abuse, Miller and other psychiatrists say. "When people manage to get in touch with their own pain, they no longer want to take it out on others," says Beeman.
Therapy is the most common way to reach this crucial point, but support groups can also be very helpful. Often just being around other people who have gone through similar experiences allows survivors to work through their memories and begin to heal. "When people realize that they're not going to have to cope with a painful past by themselves, they're usually able to talk about and process what happened to them," says Beeman, who leads support groups in San Francisco, California through the Adult Survivors of Child Abuse (ASCA) organization.
Groups like this typically define three stages of recovery for adult survivors: remembering, mourning, and healing. (ASCA details a complete 21-Step recovery program on its Web site.) In the first stage, participants work through their memories of abuse and recognize that they were wronged as children. The group emphasizes that the abuser was responsible for this trauma, not the child -- something that survivors often have trouble accepting on an emotional level.
In the second stage, survivors are encouraged to grieve for the childhood they lost, mourn the fact that loved ones failed them, and work on controlling their anger and finding healthy outlets for any aggressive or self-destructive feelings they may still feel. They're urged to identify how abuse has affected them as adults, and to take an inventory of the current problem areas in their lives.
According to the group, to reach the final stage of healing, survivors must learn to accept that they have a right to be happy. They work on strengthening the healthy parts of themselves, and on making the necessary changes in their own behavior and in their relationships with friends and family. For survivors, it's all about coming to the realization that they deserve kindness, a belief that is robbed from them by experiences of childhood abuse, says Beeman.
"I married my mother"
Achieving trust and intimacy in relationships is often one of the most difficult hurdles for survivors of child abuse. Beeman says she married "a mean, emotionally immature, narcissistic man" because that's what she thought love was.
But it was the birth of Beeman's first child that created her biggest challenge. "I thought, 'Uh-oh, I'm pregnant and I'm having a girl,' and I went right back into therapy," she says. Her daughter's "terrible twos" tested Beeman's mettle and further convinced her of the importance of therapy for survivors. Even though she knew that her daughter's defiant behavior was perfectly normal for a two-year-old, Beeman found that the urge to strike her daughter was still a difficult impulse for her to resist.
Luckily, Beeman, like countless others who have sought help, was able to break the cycle. "The study of child abuse confronts us with the astonishing fact that parents will inflict the same punishment or neglect on their children as they experienced themselves in their early lives," writes Alice Miller. "It is not until they are in therapy -- supposing they are given any -- that it transpires that they have been reenacting what they went through as children. As long as the anger directed at a parent or other first caregiver remains unconscious or disavowed, it cannot be dissipated. It can only be taken out on oneself or stand-ins and scapegoats like one's own children."
In a more hopeful essay, Miller concludes that our sensitization to the cruelty with which children are treated will as a matter of course bring an end to the perpetuation of violence from generation to generation."
Breaking the Cycle of Abuse
Breaking the Cycle of Abuse
Shirley Beeman's mother used to get drunk and beat her daughter with a wooden spoon, even throwing her through the wall on several occasions. When she was just a toddler, a teenage cousin began molesting her, and years later an uncle took over where the cousin left off.
Today, Beeman* has confronted her childhood abuse and discusses it quite openly. Talking about the past and dealing with it, she says, is the only way to move on and lead a healthy life. Beeman is so convinced of this that she studied to become a psychotherapist, and now spends her days helping others work through their own childhood traumas.
Many patients are understandably reluctant to revisit agonizing memories from their childhoods, Beeman says, but it's critical to the healing process. She believes victims who don't deal with their past are often fated to inflict similar abuse on their own children. "Child abuse is a multigenerational process," says Beeman. "It just keeps going and going and going unless you do something to stop it."
This idea is not new. German psychiatrist Alice Miller first wrote about it in the 1980s. Her books, Prisoners of Childhoood: The Drama of the Gifted Child and For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence broke new ground by expanding on a theory of the roots of violence both in families and in Western society as a whole.
The "unconscious compulsion to repeat," Miller writes, will continue until an adult survivor of child abuse consciously relives his or her traumas. An intellectual understanding -- that hitting or belittling a child is wrong, for example -- may not be enough to prevent abuse, simply because the drive to repeat occurs on an unconscious level. Survivors are compelled to replay abusive scenes from their own childhood in an unconscious effort to regain the power they once lost to their own parents, Miller writes.
In some cases, an adult survivor won't repeat abuse his children or other victims, but instead will turn the anger and frustration inward and become depressed. These types of survivors, Beeman says, are more likely to neglect their children than abuse them, and they show an alarming inability to detect when their child may be suffering abuse at the hands of someone else.
"They can't see the behavioral changes" in their own children, Beeman says. "It's like there's a blind spot because they haven't worked through their own history."
Adult survivors may be blind to abuse because they've repressed their own memories of it. Some experts call this "betrayal trauma," and explain that the cruelties a victim is most likely to forget may not be the most terrifying, but the ones that involve being betrayed by someone they love and trust. "Humans can be exquisitely sensitive detectors of betrayal and cheating," writes Jennifer Freyd in her book, Betrayal Trauma: The Logic of Forgetting Childhood Abuse. "But they can also be remarkably blind to betrayal or cheating that may seem obvious to an outside observer."
Breaking the cycle
Coming to terms with the mistreatment suffered as a child -- whether physical, sexual or emotional -- is the only way to break the cycle of abuse, Miller and other psychiatrists say. "When people manage to get in touch with their own pain, they no longer want to take it out on others," says Beeman.
Therapy is the most common way to reach this crucial point, but support groups can also be very helpful. Often just being around other people who have gone through similar experiences allows survivors to work through their memories and begin to heal. "When people realize that they're not going to have to cope with a painful past by themselves, they're usually able to talk about and process what happened to them," says Beeman, who leads support groups in San Francisco, California through the Adult Survivors of Child Abuse (ASCA) organization.
Groups like this typically define three stages of recovery for adult survivors: remembering, mourning, and healing. (ASCA details a complete 21-Step recovery program on its Web site.) In the first stage, participants work through their memories of abuse and recognize that they were wronged as children. The group emphasizes that the abuser was responsible for this trauma, not the child -- something that survivors often have trouble accepting on an emotional level.
In the second stage, survivors are encouraged to grieve for the childhood they lost, mourn the fact that loved ones failed them, and work on controlling their anger and finding healthy outlets for any aggressive or self-destructive feelings they may still feel. They're urged to identify how abuse has affected them as adults, and to take an inventory of the current problem areas in their lives.
According to the group, to reach the final stage of healing, survivors must learn to accept that they have a right to be happy. They work on strengthening the healthy parts of themselves, and on making the necessary changes in their own behavior and in their relationships with friends and family. For survivors, it's all about coming to the realization that they deserve kindness, a belief that is robbed from them by experiences of childhood abuse, says Beeman.
"I married my mother"
Achieving trust and intimacy in relationships is often one of the most difficult hurdles for survivors of child abuse. Beeman says she married "a mean, emotionally immature, narcissistic man" because that's what she thought love was.
But it was the birth of Beeman's first child that created her biggest challenge. "I thought, 'Uh-oh, I'm pregnant and I'm having a girl,' and I went right back into therapy," she says. Her daughter's "terrible twos" tested Beeman's mettle and further convinced her of the importance of therapy for survivors. Even though she knew that her daughter's defiant behavior was perfectly normal for a two-year-old, Beeman found that the urge to strike her daughter was still a difficult impulse for her to resist.
Luckily, Beeman, like countless others who have sought help, was able to break the cycle. "The study of child abuse confronts us with the astonishing fact that parents will inflict the same punishment or neglect on their children as they experienced themselves in their early lives," writes Alice Miller. "It is not until they are in therapy -- supposing they are given any -- that it transpires that they have been reenacting what they went through as children. As long as the anger directed at a parent or other first caregiver remains unconscious or disavowed, it cannot be dissipated. It can only be taken out on oneself or stand-ins and scapegoats like one's own children."
In a more hopeful essay, Miller concludes that our sensitization to the cruelty with which children are treated will as a matter of course bring an end to the perpetuation of violence from generation to generation."
Functional Families
FUNCTIONAL FAMILIES
by J. Kent Griffiths, DSW
We always hear about "disfunctional families."
But what is a "functional family?" They often have the following characteristics:
1) It has a balance that can adapt to change (not homeostasis)
2) Emotional problems are seen as existing in the unit with components in each person.
3) Connectedness is maintained across generations with all members of the family.
4) There is a minimum of fusion, and distance is not used to solve problems.
5) Each twosome in the family can deal with all problems that occur between them. Triangulation onto third person to arbitrate or judge is discouraged.
6) Differences are not only tolerated but encouraged.
7) Each person can operate selectively using thinking and emotional systems.
8) There is a keen awareness of what each person gets functionally from himself, and what he gets from others. These are the areas of identification and differentiation.
9) There is an awareness of the emptiness in each member of the family, and each person is allowed to have his own emptiness. There is no attempt made to fill it up.
10) The preservation of a positive emotional climate takes precedence over doing what "should" be done and what is "right."
11) Function in the family is determined by each member saying that this is a pretty good family to live in over time.
12) Members of the family can use others in the family as a source of feedback and learning, but not as an enemy.
Family Systems Theory
The family systems theory is a theory introduced by Dr. Murray Bowen that suggests that individuals cannot be understood in isolation from one another, but rather as a part of their family, as the family is an emotional unit. Families are systems of interconnected and interdependent individuals, none of whom can be understood in isolation from the system.
The family system
According to Bowen, a family is a system in which each member had a role to play and rules to respect. Members of the system are expected to respond to each other in a certain way according to their role, which is determined by relationship agreements. Within the boundaries of the system, patterns develop as certain family member's behavior is caused by and causes other family member's behaviors in predictable ways. Maintaining the same pattern of behaviors within a system may lead to balance in the family system, but also to dysfunction. For example, if a husband is depressive and cannot pull himself together, the wife may need to take up more responsibilities to pick up the slack. The change in roles may maintain the stability in the relationship, but it may also push the family towards a different equilibrium. This new equilibrium may lead to dysfunction as the wife may not be able to maintain this overachieving role over a long period of time.
There are eight interlocking concepts in Dr. Bowen's theory:
▪ Triangles: The smallest stable relationship system. Triangles usually have one side in conflict and two sides in harmony, contributing to the development of clinical problems.
▪ Differentiation of self: The variance in individuals in their susceptibility to depend on others for acceptance and approval.
▪ Nuclear family emotional system: The four relationship patterns that define where problems may develop in a family.
- Marital conflict
- Dysfunction in one spouse
- Impairment of one or more children
- Emotional distance
▪ Family projection process: The transmission of emotional problems from a parent to a child.
▪ Multigenerational transmission process: The transmission of small differences in the levels of differentiation between parents and their children.
▪ Emotional cutoff: The act of reducing or cutting off emotional contact with family as a way managing unresolved emotional issues.
▪ Sibling position: The impact of sibling position on development and behavior.
▪ Societal emotional process: The emotional system governs behavior on a societal level, promoting both progressive and regressive periods in a society.
Many of these concepts are discussed in the context of genograms in the book Genograms: Assessment and Intervention by Monica McGoldrick, Randy Gerson and Sylvia Shellenberger.
Family systems therapy
One of the best ways to begin therapy and to gain understanding of how the emotional system operates in your family system is to put together your family genogram. Studying your own patterns of behavior, and how they relate to those of your multigenerational family, reveals new and more effective options for solving problems and for changing your response to the automatic role you are expected to play.
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