I endured sexual assault for 10 years of my life

I am a 58 year old widow.

I endured sexual assault for 10 years of my life, although my situation was a little different, and even after considerable psychiatric treatment, I still have a hard time not blaming myself and feeling guilt. At the age of 27, I married a wonderful 38 year old airline pilot, who was a widower with three children. He had two daughters aged 5 and 8 and a 16 year old son who I will call Brandon. I think I was too immature for the relationship. I deeply resented my husband's kids. I was at first abusive and punished my stepchildren unfairly, often hitting them.

Brandon cornered me in the basement and told me that he would "pound me" if I ever hit his sisters again. I hit him and tried to spank him, but we got into a physical fight, which ended with him pinning me and very roughly raping me. It was painful, and the most humiliating event in my life. I didn't tell my husband, or anyone else, because I didn't want to lose my marriage or be accused of having sex with a child. On two or three other occasions when I spanked my stepdaughters, Brandon retaliated again by angrily raping me. Until then, I didn't know that there could be angry sex. Even after he forced me to correct the way I treated my husband's daughters, the rapes continued. Although I was on birth control, I became pregnant when I was 29 and I don't know if the baby is my husband's or his son's. When he knew he was alone with me, Brandon would roughly rape me. Often leaving my legs and hips bruised. It became routine and continued until my husband suddenly passed away when I was 38 and Brandon 25. At that time, I no longer had to be concerned about my husband knowing about my relationship with Brandon, so I told Brandon that the rape would need to stop. Brandon eventually apologized and we both began psychotherapy, separately and together.

Today I enjoy a good relationship with all four of my children. Although more than twenty years have passed, I will always be affected by my years of abuse, and the knowledge that I was also abusive. I am also grateful to the psychotherapists and social workers who so sensitively and sensibly helped our family.

by Brendaon 20 Jul 2005

Labels: I endured sexual assault for 10 years of my life

posted by Robert Heard at 5:16 AM