I lost my virginity at 15 when my boyfriend raped me

Well, as you can imagine, it's very difficult to come out to such a wide group of people, but I feel a strange kind of comfort knowing that everyone here will understand. I lost my virginity at 15 when my boyfriend raped me. We had been dating for a month and it started out innocently enough. After a few days, he subtly started wearing down my self esteem by manipulating me and trying to coerce me into having sex with him, but I remained firm that my virginity was not his to take, it was mine to give. He told me that I was stupid not to do what he said, that I was nothing to anyone but him and even then I wasn't much more than the s**t on his shoe. So this continued and one day when he had convinced me to leave school with him and go to my house, he trapped me in my room, pinned me down, and raped me. Every time I protested he would jab me with a pen until I laid still. He had an erection problem and blamed it on me, so any time he couldn't stay stimulated he forced my mouth onto him. If I vomited, he would shove it back in my face and leave me to clean up. Then it would start again. This continued for another 2 months and progressively got worse. By the time he dumped me, I was nothing but a puddle compared to my original self. I like to explain this way, in the beginning I was a perfectly built pyramid. In that relationship he took me apart brick by brick until there was nothing but rubble left. I know I'll never be put together correctly, but I can try. When that relationship ended (and he had a new girlfriend by the end of the day) I didn't know what to do. By that time I felt I was dependent on him and without him I was nothing. I had a friend, Zach, who came and saved me. He took me to Planned Parenthood for a check up and proper medical care. (There were some cuts and bruises that my previous boyfriend wouldn't let heal) Soon, though, he started to take advantage of my weakness and he started to rape me in his own way. Not as physically abusive as before, but he used me and prayed on my vulnerability. He used me for another two months and dumped me out of the blue one day. I believed that I loved him and that he loved me so this came as a big shock to me. It was a very hard and lonely 2 years before I felt I was going to end everything once and for all. I was in a mindless sexual relationship where we didn't care for each other but I felt I needed to pleasure someone because that was all I was good for. Eventually I became so sour, depressed and dark that I almost did kill myself. I stayed for my dad who had recently been diagnosed as manic depressive and I didn't want him to suffer if I was gone. One day I was on the internet and by some remote chance I met a nice man, a REAL nice man. I won't get into it too much, but he proved himself to me by moving 1700 miles and away from his family to be with me. That was almost 3 years ago and I am now married with a one-year-old son. In most aspects of life I am happy, but even now I have horrible nightmares, flashbacks and memories that haunt me almost every day. It sometimes makes our intimate moments awkward and painful and I flash back to my sexual experiences from before. I wish I could put all of this behind me and I have made it farther than I ever thought I could, but the deepest and most disturbing parts of my experiences seem to be hardwired into my mind. They can be triggered at any time and for any reason. I'm hoping that someday I will be able to find a way to vent the remainder of my past and let it be just that, the past.
by Vicki on 12 Mar 2005

Labels: I lost my virginity at 15 when my boyfriend raped me

posted by Robert Heard at 6:17 AM