Ok. I've never written any of this down before...so please bare with me

Ok. I've never written any of this down before...so please bare with me.
It first started when I was about 5 years old, by a friend of the family who would often babysit me. He would touch me and put his hands all over me, and put his fingers inside me. I was so confused, I didn't know what was happening. He would make me take off my clothes and stuff, and it was just horrible. The first time he actually raped me, I was 7 years old. I was so scared. It hurt so much...I can't describe it. I just tried to forget what was happening. He was at my house alot, and stayed there alot...so at night, he would come into my room. I always have flashbacks, and I can never forget the image of him on top of me, holding me down, hurting me, laughing at me. I get so mad at myself now...because I realise that alot of the time, I could have just screamed or something and someone probably would have heard me and come to see what was wrong...but I never did that.
Last year, I was at my uncles house, my my cousins boyfriend raped me there. They thankfully have broken up.
Ever since I can remember, my father has been abusive to me, and my mom is very unhappy with their marriage. I hate it here. I'm only fourteen though, so I don't really have any where else to go.
I self-injure, and have attempted suicide...so I've spent a few months in a psych horpital place, and I have to go to alot of counseling. I recently started telling them about the abuse from the friend of the family, so...yeah. But I can't help feeling guilty and ashamed, because no matter what anyone says...it's really my fault, because I could have stopped it so easily many many times if I just screamed...but instead, I let myself go through that for nine years, and I hate myself for it so much.
by maryon 5 Sep 2004

Labels: Ok. I've never written any of this down before...so please bare with me

posted by Robert Heard at 5:54 AM