Relationships
7 secrets to a long — and happy marriage
Two bachelors share wisdom from couples who have been married decades
NBC News video
What makes a good marriage?
June 5: Couples who were married at least 40 years told their secrets to two bachelors, who shared them with TODAY's Natalie Morales.
updated 11:32 a.m. CT, Tues., June. 5, 2007
Matthew Boggs, whose parents divorced, was jaded about marriage. But he noticed his grandmother and grandfather, who had been married for 63 years, were still madly in love. To find out what was the secret to a long and happy marriage, Boggs and his friend, Jason Miller, traveled 12,000 miles around the U.S. to talk to what they call the “Marriage Masters,” couples who have been married 40 years or more. In their new book, “Project Everlasting,” Boggs and Miller share advice from the happy couples. TODAYshow.com asked the two bachelors to tell us what are the top seven secrets to a successful marriage. Here they are:
1. “Divorce? Never. Murder? Often!”
Entering matrimony with the mindset that “divorce is not an option” is vital for the long-term success of marriage, say the Marriage Masters (a term we gave couples who have been happily married over 40 years). They went on to explain that this kind of mindset allows a couple to see solutions to marriage’s boiling points — and trust us, not one of our interviewee couples avoided such periods of relational strife — which would have otherwise been overlooked simply because one eye was too busy examining exit strategies.
Marriage Masters simplify this into one word: Commitment. And they’re quick to point out that commitment is the virtue sorely missing from today’s marriages. That said, there are deal breakers that very few of our interviewed couples advocated working through. These are known as the three A’s — addiction, adultery, and abuse. A marriage overwhelmed by any of these three issues is unhealthy, plain and simple, and the Marriage Masters suggest that if you find yourself overwhelmed with any of the three A’s, take care of yourself (and your safety) first, and the marriage second.
In the end, the old saying holds true: where your attention goes, energy flows. So the next time you’re facing a mountain in your marriage, focus on the next foothold and soon enough you’ll find yourself over the top.
2. “There’s no such thing as a perfect marriage, only perfect moments.”
We were shocked to discover how much work went into creating a great marriage. We’d always figured, “Hey, I’ll just find my soul mate and things will naturally fall into place after that ... we’ll live happily ever after.” Um, not so fast, one Marriage Master wife said with a certain look that meant business. “Whoever said being soul mates was going to be easy?” Her husband of 52 years nodded, then added, “Marriage is a bed of roses, thorns and all.”
Any time two individuals live together (especially over 40 years) there are bound to be annoying, irritating, and frustrating experiences. But whether it’s the toothpaste cap, toilet seat, snoring, or the last-minute pull-the-car-over-to-check-the-score-of-the-game-at-the-local-bar move, one thing is for sure: the best marriages are served with an extra helping of acceptance for one another’s peccadilloes. “And that’s the beauty of marriage,” said Maurice, another Marriage Master. “All of our individualities, all of our wonderful differences. You gotta have friction. You can’t get any heat without friction.”
We would do well, they say, to expect non-perfection; practice patience and give the acceptance we want in return. There’s no doubt that this is hard work, but judging by the end result, it’s well worth the effort.
Story continues below ↓
advertisement | your ad here
3. Unpack the Gunnysack
“People ask us our secret to marriage,” said John, married 48 years. “I tell them it’s the boxing gloves. We aren’t afraid to say what’s on our minds.”
Unexpressed frustrations in a marriage can pile up and weigh us down like an overloaded gunnysack. These accumulated frustrations can quickly turn into resentments. “Holding resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die,” said Sally, married 50 years. “Resentment will eat away at your marriage.” The Marriage Masters encourage us to unpack the “gunnysacks” by opening the communication lines as frequently as possible.
But guess what? If we haven’t created and nurtured an environment where open, honest communication is welcomed and treated with diligent respect, then we can wave these crucial “clearing the air” moments goodbye. So where did some Marriage Masters go to build that trusting, open environment? Weekend marriage retreats! These powerful getaways stood out in many of our interviewees’ minds as the one experience that turned their faltering marriage into a flourishing one. The trick, of course, is convincing the husband to attend.
4. Never Stop Dating
It has been said that it’s the quality of time, not the quantity of time that matters. But now we know, thanks to the Marriage Masters, that it’s the quantity of quality time spent together that leads to a wonderful marriage. Whether it’s a vacation in the Bahamas, or simply spending a night at a local motel once a week, keeping the romance burning is easy: all you have to do is keep stoking the fire.
One woman, married 47 years before her husband passed away, disclosed her secret to lifelong love. Every night, when her husband came home from work, they went up to their bedroom and hung a sign on the door that read “Do Not Disturb: Marriage In Progress.” For the following fifteen minutes they’d focus all their attention on one another. No phones, no pets, no distractions; even the kids knew that mom and dad were not to be bothered. When asked what they did in their bedroom, she laughed and said she’d leave that to our imaginations. That was probably best anyway.
5. “Love is a four-letter word spelled G-I-V-E”
Marriage Masters have a high degree of selflessness. “I’ll never forget what my mentor told my wife and me before we got married 42 years ago,” said a Marriage Master named Walter. “He looked at us and said, ‘Most people think marriage is 50/50. It’s not. It’s 60/40. You give 60. You take 40. And that goes for both of you.’”
It’s always super-apparent in the best of the best marriages that both spouses have followed this philosophy. Though it’s not a difficult concept to understand — putting one another first —it’s surely a bit more difficult to practice consistently, especially with the prevailing “Me first (and second)” mentality today. “The younger generations seem to have a sort of me-me-me mentality,” says Donna Lee, married 45 years. “The great part is that the me gets everything it needs when it puts the we first.”
6. Join the CMAT Club
Grandma Dorothy Manin, the inspiration for Project Everlasting with her 63 years of beautiful matrimony, formed an informal club when she turned 70 years old. She called it the CMAT club. The CMAT club stands for Can’t Miss A Thing and represents the idea that life is short, so make sure to enjoy as much as you can. The death rate for human beings hovers right around 100 percent, and is expected to remain there for … well, forever. Consider this: if the average life span is 77 years, then that means we only have 77 summers ... 77 winters ... 77 Christmas mornings ... 77 New Years, and that’s it. The Marriage Masters know this all too well. It’s easy to get caught in the day-to-day craziness of life and, in the process, take our spouses for granted. A widow named Betty, married 54 years, says, “Now that he’s gone I wish I hadn’t had so many headaches.”
The Marriage Masters are here to remind us that this adventure we call life goes by in the blink of an eye; relish your sweetheart’s presence while he or she is still here.
7. The Discipline of Respect
“You can have respect without love,” said Tom, married 42 years, “but you can’t have love without respect.” His sentiments were not uncommon in our 250-plus interviews around the nation. By and large, the number one secret to a thriving, everlasting marriage, as declared by the Marriage Masters, is respect. It is the catalyst for all things beautiful in a relationship: trust, connection, authenticity, and love. Unfortunately, respect — in all its seeming simplicity — is too easily overlooked, leading to criticism and all the ugliness that eventually causes both spouses to wonder (and vehemently): How in the heck did I ever fall in love with this person?
Labels: healthy marriage
How To Keep Love Alive In Your Marriage
by : Patty Apostolides
the beginning of a relationship, love seems to have a life of its own. Without much effort, you feel like you are on top of the world. You catch yourself smiling and laughing often, and feeling warm inside whenever you are with your loved one. Everything and everyone suddenly appears better through the rose-colored glasses of love. This euphoric feeling does not last forever, however. After the first year of marriage, the day to day activities of being married, working in a job, raising a family, buying and maintaining a home, etc., all take their toll, and romance takes a back seat.
Love has to be worked on, just like a gardener with his garden. Although he has planted the seeds, and expects the sun and rain to do most of the work, he still has to pull the weeds out of the garden, to fertilize it, and water it if there isn’t enough rain. That is the same with a healthy, loving relationship. When love becomes a high priority in a marriage, it is taken care of and nurtured daily. The resulting love rewards you by growing into a more mature, mellow, committed feeling, and when tested, rises up to meet the challenge. How does one keep love alive in a marriage?
Make Time
You need to designate quality time with your loved one. Don’t take it for granted that he/she will always be there when you want them. Remember all those dates you took when you were courting? Now, it’s not so easy. There’s usually someone else making demands on him/her – whether it’s the children with their homework, or the boss expecting you to work late hours, or even an elderly parent that requires assistance. Also, it now might require finding a baby-sitter, or juggling the time with another activity that might take precedence. Whatever happens, make time for each other. Also, make time to hug and/or kiss each other often. You’ll be glad you did. The time you spend together will re-energize you and make you feel good for the rest of the day.
If you can’t get away, you can still set a date at home, after the children are asleep. The important thing is to have fun together. Here are a few things you can plan to do at home together:
Physical intimacy – might put some soft music in the background, maybe even dance together
Pour a favorite drink, make an ice cream sundae, or grab some munchies, and have fun talking with your loved one.
Play a favorite board game or card game, anything that makes you enjoy yourselves.
Make popcorn and watch a favorite video.
This is not the time to solve life’s problems or issues. If there are any lurking issues in the background (and these may be keeping you from enjoying yourself), then sometimes you just might have to talk about it first, get it out in the open in a loving environment, then continue with your plans. Often, positive energy is tied up within us when a problem or issue has not been resolved.
Use these times to tell him/her how special they are to you (how intelligent, how thoughtful, how loving, how caring, etc.).
What is Romance?
Romance is the opportunity to show your loved one how special he/she is to you. It means taking the time for them, and making time, even if you don’t have it. It doesn’t mean thinking only about yourself, or having only your needs met. It means putting the other person first. Here are some ideas to spice up your romance:
Do small acts of kindness – give him/her flowers, or a little gift, or write a poem, etc.
Say “Thank you" and 'I Love You' often.
Be considerate of his/her feelings, etc.
Take long walks together – anywhere.
Share jokes at mealtime. Laughter is a great way to share one’s love.
Visit a museum, visit community festivals, tour a new site, or attend a lecture together.
Hug and kiss often.
If your spouse doesn’t do things for you, then show him/her by gently pointing out what you like. If you like flowers for your birthday, and you haven’t gotten flowers, then let them know, particularly when he/she asks you what you would like. Don’t think they can read your mind, let them know.
Communicate, Communicate, Communicate
Over time, we learn how to read our spouse. Their behavior, their actions, are important clues that alert us to how they are feeling. Often, we think we know what they are thinking, and we become sloppy, and don’t talk about it, or they don’t bring it up.
For example, if he had a bad day at the office, and comes home snapping at the children and being tense, the last thing to do is to take it personally. Invite him to relax, as dinner is prepared, then after he’s eaten, ask him how his day was. Sooner or later, the truth will come out, and you will learn what happened. You need to be a responsive listener, and not criticize your spouse, for he will surely clam up. The last thing he wants to hear is criticism.
Other signs that can bring on a spouse’s anger/tenseness:
Hunger: If your spouse hasn’t eaten for awhile, not only their stomach growls, but they growl also. Keep your husband well fed (but not overfed)
Criticism: Try and avoid criticizing your partner. If there is something bothering you, then voice it in a way that you don’t point fingers or blame him/her. Try not to keep distance between you. Communicate your feelings, how his/her action affected you, and how you were hurt by that action. Never, ever criticize your spouse in public. An apology is forthcoming, no matter how right you thought you were.
Tiredness: If your husband has been working all day, and you ask him to do a bunch of chores when he gets home, don’t expect him to thank you. See if you can spread the chores out, so they include the weekend. Planning ahead helps here.
Take Care of Your Body
Although you may not look like you did when you were dating years ago, you can take measures to look just as good if not better.
Physical wellbeing - make sure you stay in shape, eat the right foods, and dress nicely. All these actions not only get more compliments your way, they make you feel good about yourself, so that you can be more confident in yourself.
Spiritual wellbeing – don’t neglect this powerful aspect of life. Pray, go to church, believe. Studies have shown that families that pray together, stay together.
Mental wellbeing – if you are a stay-at-home mother, find some good books to read, or read the newspaper or magazines. This will allow you to keep abreast with interesting topics, and will provide your spouse an interesting partner to discuss life issues with.
Don’t Substitute
Don’t substitute anyone or anything else for your loved one. Don’t go to a coworker or a friend, and share intimate secrets, because you may be betraying your loved one’s trust. Don’t watch television or be on the computer all the time, when you could be spending quality time with your loved one. Don’t spend all your time with the children, ignoring your spouse, because your husband or wife should be number one on the list. If people, organizations, or children clamor for your attention, put your spouse first, and then them. When you put your spouse first, you’ll notice you won’t need to be going to all these other people for emotional support. You’ll also notice you’ll be having more fun with the person you’ll spend the rest of your life with. Don’t underestimate the importance of love in a marriage. Cherish and nurture it, and you will have made the best investment in your life.
About The Author
Patty Apostolides is author of Lipsi's Daughter. She has also published poetry and written several articles. Her website showcases her work: http://www.geocities.com/10500bc/index.html
Labels: healthy marriage
How To Help Your Marriage Last The Distance
Relationships : Marriage
Making a marriage last the distance can seem very hard in this day and age, and for that reason some people decide to just co-habit for life and not take the ultimate step, as it is seen.
However many people do marry, and no-one gets married with the thought that they are going to divorce - everyone wants their marriage to last forever. Yet an increasing number of marriages do, sadly, end in divorce or separation of some kind between the two partners of the marriage.
Making a marriage work requires hard work.
And above all it requires communication from both parties to the marriage - that's probably one of the key things.
The majority of problems in relationships according to marriage counsellors comes from this one thing - the two partners stop talking to each other and sharing and expressing their feelings.
And when that happens comes the trouble.
In a recent survey, these counsellors listed their top tip for helping a marriage to last, and that was almost certainly communication, coupled with respect, care and showing affection.
The other thing that was high up the list was continuing physical affection such as kissing and cuddling as you get older - when this goes the two of you can start to drift apart too, so make sure that you keep that element of your relationship up too for a marriage that lasts the distance - good luck!
Labels: healthy marriage
What is a healthy marriage??
What is a Healthy Marriage? Association for Marriage Enrichment was approached recently by a magazine which specialises in issues round health and beauty. This was their question. Readers wanted to know when it was time to give up and get out. The underlying assumption was that there were ‘good marriages’ and ‘bad marriages’. Recognise the difference and take appropriate action. This question was being asked after about three years of life together. In fact, all marriages face similar problems and obstacles. So the difference is not whether we have difficulties in our relationship because we all do but whether we have the skills to cope with them. These skills do not automatically arrive just because we decide to live with some one.
The good news is that skills can be acquired and improved continuously through our lives. How? - First, recognise that they are needed and then use the resources that you have already and don’t ignore what marriage education and/or counselling might offer to help you. Many couples ignore the signs of strain and hope all will be well.
Here are some straight-forward facts that have emerged from studying couple behaviour.
Difficulties with sex, money, children and in-laws are not main reasons for marriage difficulties.
Compatibility is a myth - there is no one right person waiting to be found. Marriage is a lifelong process of adjusting to each other.
We can change our behaviour if we wish. It is not necessary to ‘put up’ with each other.
Growth in marriage is enlightened behaviour change.
Misunderstandings can be faced and eradicated.
Self-disclosure, not common interests, is the basis for all deep friendships. Keeping our feelings to ourselves is not good for the relationship.
Dealing effectively with anger is the key to making marriage work. Good communication skills without the ability to deal with anger, leads to withdrawal from sharing feelings.
Conflict in marriage isn’t bad or awful. Grit in the shell of an oyster can produce a pearl.
Affirmation of each other helps keep our marriage alive. Saying ‘You know I do’ is not the same as showing and expressing love spontaneously. Many of us forget that as our lives become crowded with other demands.
Couples need other Couples. This is an unusual idea for many but many people who work in this field will attest to the fact that couples grow much better together than alone. Sharing with others working at committed relationships, is supportive, opens up taboo areas and underlines the fact that difficulties are part of the normal patterns of life.
Labels: healthy marriage
Having a Healthy Marriage
By stacey chillemi, published Dec 07, 2005
Having a healthy marriage after the honeymoon takes time, commitment respect and continuous effort. To have a healthy marriage you just know how to keep your marriage in good health. One of the main secrets to having a happy marriage is to remember why the two of you fell in love in the first place.
Remembering the good qualities in each other will always give you a reason to keep going, respecting and loving one another. You should collect and cherish the memories you have experienced always continue to collect more. Your life together is supposed to be a wonderful loving and exciting journey, so make an effort to keep it that way.
Sure, things will not always be perfect as they are in fairytales, but being married is not about being perfect. When the two of you agreed to marry each other, you agreed to love, cherish, respect, listen, support and to have your spats. Disagreeing is part of being partners because although you decided to commit, you are still individuals with your own thoughts, beliefs and ideas. Though you may disagree, it is important that you respect each other’s individuality and continue learning who your partner is. If you keep your communication clear, accept, support and agree to disagree, your relationship will live to be happily ever after.
Of course, honesty is always a big key to maintaining happiness in any marriage. If you cannot be honest about what you are thinking, feeling or doing, the marriage can never be 100% honest because you would not be expressing your full self. Being honest can be scary sometimes, but as long as you know how to present your honesty, things will most likely always turn out okay. Just make sure your timing is appropriate and that you thought out what you will say before you say. Choosing your words is important in order to prevent misunderstandings and unnecessary fights and arguments.
Labels: healthy marriage
what constitutes a good and healthy marriage
written by: james walsh; article published: year 2008, month 03;
in: categories » recreation and sport » dating and relationships » what constitutes a good and healthy marriage
Marriage is something that can be a heavenly relationship if it works and hellish if it doesn’t. So what constitutes a good marriage? There are many factors, but the most important is that the marital relationship should be able to fulfil the valid and reasonable needs and aspirations of both the partners.
The following are some of the essential conditions to be met before a marriage can be declared successful.
Feeling of Security
No marriage can succeed in the world without a feeling of security among the partners. They need a reassurance that they are important to the lives of their spouse and their presence is highly valued by the other. They should feel completely at home and fully comfortable in each other’s presence, with a genuine belief that they can rely on the other person in their moment of need.
The partners have an obligation to take care of each other and allow their spouse to grow and expand emotionally and spiritually. They have a relationship based on mutual dependence and should be able to count on each other for support in day-to-day life.
Physical Presence
After marriage, the partners are supposed to live in the same house and share the same bed. It is a very close relationship for which daily physical presence of the partners is required. The institution of marriage cannot be run by remote control over telephone or email. For it to be successful, it is essential for the partners to ensure their physical presence in the home.
If the husband or wife is always on tour out of the city on official work or does a job at another location, there is a great chance of the marriage unravelling. Absentee spouses may result in the partner living alone at home starting other romantic relationships to get rid of loneliness and gain some intimacy with another individual. The children too are adversely affected due to the absence of mother or father and their upbringing becomes lopsided. They bear a grudge for the absentee parent and the parent-child relationship weakens considerably.
Emotional Support
Life is like a roller-coaster ride with many ups and downs. There may be many days in a month when a partner is feeling depressed and run down. One of the major obligations of a spouse is to provide emotional nurturing and support to the other partner during such moments. A few soothing words of encouragement and display of affection go a long way in elevating mood and re-energising one’s spirit. No marriage can succeed without this crucial emotional nourishment provided by the partners to each other.
Mutual Trust
Mutual trust is the bedrock of a successful marital relationship. The partners need to blindly trust each other and have confidence that they will not be cheated or outsmarted by their spouse in any manner. This allows them peace of mind and they can let their guard down in the home where they can be at complete peace with themselves without any worries. A major component of this mutual trust is an obligation of the partners not to stray from the straight path and not start another romantic relationship behind their spouse’s back. Extramarital affairs shatter the bedrock on which marriage is built. Few spouses are able to tolerate infidelity of their partner. Most such cases end in divorce.
Personal Freedom
When you get married, you have many dreams and aspirations that you want fulfilled. It is the duty of the spouses to help each other grow and fulfil their desires. The relationship should not turn claustrophobic or suffocating for any partner. Spouses who are control freaks or abuse their partner emotionally or physically destroy the marriage quickly, with the latter looking for an escape route to personal freedom. The more freedom you give to your spouse in day-to-day affairs, the better is the chance of the relationship succeeding.
Good Sex
Sex is a basic human need, and it is very important for the spouses to copulate with each other regularly if there is any chance of the marriage succeeding. Unmet sexual needs are one of the biggest causes of divorce. Regular sex strengthens the relationship and releases hormones that lighten the mood and heighten the feeling of self-worth. It increases the feeling of intimacy and affection between the partners. In the absence of good sex, there is a strong chance of a partner starting an extramarital affair.
Financial Security
A good financial base is very important if a marriage has to succeed. Each partner has personal and lifestyle needs and aspirations which can only be fulfilled if there is adequate income. There are essential expenses too that have to be met regularly, such as house rent, utility bills, grocery bills and school and college fee of children. If there are insufficient funds to meet these needs, there are frequent bad blood and quarrels in the house which vitiate the atmosphere and weaken the relationship.
Labels: healthy marriage
Beyond the Wedding - Tips For a Healthy Marriage
By Laurie Sue Brockway
These days, brides get married to the wedding before they get married to their mates. With so many choices and so much stress, it is easy to get lost in planning a great wedding and forget to focus on building a great marriage!
Here are some Wedding Goddess tips for stepping into married life with strenght and wisdom:
1. Be aware that getting married can stir up a lot of emotions. The process itself sets forth period of growth and change that can be very nerve -wracking. Once you decide to marry you will begin the process of getting ready for marriage … and unresolved emotions may come to the surface to be explored. Be prepared to do some inner work along with all the external preparations. Honor and address the emotions and fears that arise. Trust they are natural. Don't sweep things under the rug. There are things you can do in addition to pre-marital counseling.
2. Ask yourselves, and each other, A LOT of questions. Don't assume that married life will be the same as single life. And don't be afraid to get to know each other's truest feelings. It is important that you you delve into everything from how you'll raise your kids, to what kind of color scheme you want in your home, to how you will spend free nights at home once the wedding is over. Many brides and grooms tend to want to avoid the deep talks, and dwell on the surface aspected of getting married. Your married life will be a lot smoother if you communicate with and listen to. Be willing to hear things you may not like and agree with... find ways to compromise or give in to one another.
3. Picture Your Future. In addition lots of questions and thoughtful answers, begin to think about and visualize the life you want to share. What will it look like? What will your new roles be like? What kind of home and family life do you home to have. Although it is fun to day dream, it is very practical to give thought and vision to the life you want to create. You might even want to create a treasure map or a book of choices to guide you.
4. Visual language is powerful. Cut photos from magazines that illustrate the essence of your ideal life together and paste them in a special journal book or on poster board. Superimposed photos of yourself in a picture of that fabulous vacation spot, or cut out a happy family picture that represents how you'd like it to be, with the number of kids you’d like to have. Visual cues give strong messages to the subconscious. Working together to find the images, and gluing them into place together, will begin to expand your picture of life together. Studies have show images can be like visual prayers.
5. Create your new home together. Find, it buy it or rent it and begin to get it in order before the big day! Your home will be the safe harbor for you both and your marriage. Whatever your budget, make home beautiful, sacred and truly compatible with you both. Start merging your stuff as soon as you can so that you don't spend the first months of marriage arguing about furniture and belongings. Use Feng Shui, and the many advances in emotionally uplifting decorating, to help you merge into married life with less stress. It can guide you on everything from where to place your bed to best place for your couch, TV and plants.
6. Create a Mission Statement For Your Marriage: You may not be able to write your own vows for your wedding, but you can put some personal thoughts on paper. The first step of any new enterprise is to create a mission statement. This applies to your marriage, as well. Brainstorm, discuss, process and bat around ideas until you come up with a Marriage Mission Statement. This is your mutual intention for marriage; it is what you want to be and build together. It can have one sentence or reflect a number of ideas. For example:
Our union gives us strength, power and fortitude to deal with all of life’s ups and downs, and it empowers us to contribute to others and the world. We are best friends, confidantes and partners, and we have many close relationships with people we consider "spiritual family." We are a couple who inspire others with our love and who model what it is to be in a great relationship.
7. Do pre-wedding vows. You can put forther your commitment, before your wedding day, in a very simple and loving way. It can be as simple as reading a poem to each other, to declaring your love in one or two affirming sentences. This excerpt from Song of Solomon is a beautiful example of selecting words that are simple, yet powerfully honor and express your love. You can just look each other in the eyes, hold hands and say: "I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine." Every time you experience a ritual that declares your love, it’s like giving each other a special boost of love and will bring you even closer for your wedding day.
8. Establish rituals that will make you both feel loved and happily married. In his book, Soul Mates, Thomas Moore talks of those little life rituals that make the soul feel content. These are usually mundane yet sacred elements of living that keep the two of you connected, keep your dreams alive and accentuate your togetherness. It's these things – a call from the office every day, a romantic dinner at home on Fridays, going to your favorite restaurant or Inn once a year – that keep you both aligned with the goals you set forth. When you establish loving rituals to look forward to, they will never become boring. They become a part of who you are, together. They will be experiences you can share to reawaken your love at any stage of marriage.
Labels: healthy marriage
How to Maintain a Healthy Marriage
By Amanda Dyar
You can keep the romance alive in your marriage
Things You’ll Need:
Willingness to Grow
The Ability to Give
Understanding
Step
1
Upon entering a marriage, two people have agreed to combine their lives and take the journey of life together. The first mistake people make is bringing their problems into their relationship and not knowing their self enough to give their selves fully to another person. Many people wear "masks" and when you enter a marriage you have to be willing to get rid of these "masks" and show your partner the real you. Sometimes people wear "masks" to hid fear, rejection, pain, or insecurities. Once the "masks" are off than it is time to set down and get to know the person you married. You have to be willing to accept the good things and the bad things about your spouse, and when problems arise you have to willing to take the effort to fix them in any way possible. The first step is ACCEPTING YOURSELF than the next step is ACCEPTING OTHERS.
Step
2
There are several things that can help you maintain a happy marriage. Marriage isn't easy, in fact, next to raising children it can actually be the hardest thing you attempt to do in your life. Below are a few tips that can help you maintain a happy, healthy marriage.
TIPS TO MAINTAIN YOUR MARRIAGE
1. You should start every day with a kiss.
2. Always wear your wedding ring. This prevents people from thinking you are single and this can negatively affect your relationship.
3. Take time once a week to plan a date. Get out just you and your spouse and go out to eat, catch a good movie, or have a picnic.
4. Always smile and laugh together.
5. Listen to each other
6. Know each others needs and try your best to give each other what you need and want.
7. Look your best at all times. Don't let the comfort level that comes with marriage keep you from looking good for each other.
8. Call each other during the day just to say hello.
9. Learn to forgive.
10. Say "I Love You" frequently.
11. Treat each others families with respect.
12. Always maintain your own dreams and goals and don't let them get lost during your marriage.
13. Communicate about each other's sexual desires and how to come together on your different desires.
14. Give each other gifts and cards for no reason.
15. Never go to sleep angry.
16. Compliment each other.
17. Seek outside help if need it.
Step
3
Marriage is a vow to love each other forever and sometimes maintaining that vow can be difficult. It is important to never give up and to always find new ways to add romance and excitement to your marriage. Do not ignore each others feelings or requests. It is important to work through problems when they occur and to forgive and move on. Holding on to past problems will only hurt your relationship in the future. There is no perfect person and you have to accept each other's differences. It is easy to have a happy marriage if both partners are willing to put in the time, effort and commitment. If you listen to each other and try your best than you should have a marriage that last for many years to come
Labels: healthy marriage
How to Have a Healthy Loving Relationship Between Parents
by Dr. Jenn Berman
Your relationship with your spouse or partner is the emotional foundation for your entire family. Your children are counting on you not only to demonstrate what a healthy relationship looks like, but also to provide them with the safety and security they need to create their own healthy attachments as they get older.
Four Behaviors to Steer Clear Of:
Dr. John Gottman, who is a therapist who studies couples in their natural habitat (i.e. he performed long term observations and studies in his "love lab"), found that the most important predictor of the success or failure of a marriage was not whether or not a couple fought, but the ratio of positive interactions to negative interactions. According to Gottman, for a marriage to work there must be five positive interactions for every negative one.
In addition to maintaining the five-to-one ratio of positive to negative interactions to maintain a happy marriage, Gottman, who founded the Gottman Institute, identified four common predictors of divorce among married couples. Those predictors are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. He explains that couples who discuss their grievances in a relationship seem to be able to work through conflict, while those that criticize or attack the other person's character do not. According to his research, showing contempt for your partner can cause tremendous damage to a relationship. As Gottman defines contempt in this case, it is an interaction that contains sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, or hostile humor. In one study, in fact, Gottman found that wives who make sour facial expressions during conversations, which he views as an example of contempt, are likely to be separated from their husbands within four years. When a relationship has devolved to the point where a couple is regularly demonstrating their contempt for each other, they are no longer trying to get along but are communicating their disgust towards one another.
Gottman identifies defensiveness as a predictor of divorce, because it quickly and quietly erodes a marriage. When partners are defensive, they blame each other without taking responsibility for their own actions. This stalemate makes it impossible to work through conflicts at all. Stonewalling, similar to defensiveness, is equally damaging, although it can take more time for the full effects to become apparent. When even one member of a couple is guilty of stonewalling, it makes any sort of dialogue impossible, resulting in an inability to communicate and work through problems.
All's Fair in Love and War?
There are many things you can do to improve your relationship. While few couples avoid fighting completely, all couples can learn to fight fairly. Good communication and the ability to fight fair are crucial cornerstones to a healthy marriage. Some tips:
- Use "I" Statements. Instead of blaming your partner, use what therapists call "I statements." They look like this: "When you ____________(fill in the blank with a behavior). It makes me feel __________ (fill in the blank with a feeling or two). For example "When you raise your voice to me it makes me feel scared and hurt.
- Try reflective listening. Reflective listening is repeating back to your partner what he or she just said using your own words. For example, "Let me see if I understand you correctly. When I yell at you, you find it threatening and it makes you feel hurt and scared?" Often when couples fight, they are so busy constructing their next argument while their partner is talking that they don't really listen to what the other person is saying. Feeling heard in a relationship is vital to good communication.
- Change the way you begin a discussion. Gottman found that 96% of the time, the way a discussion begins predicts the way it will end. If you can start from a loving stance rather than accusatory or attacking one, the odds are better that you will resolve the conflict in a positive way.
- Take a time out. Time outs are not just for kids. Sometimes adults can benefit from a cool down period during an argument. It is important that you establish this before taking the break, so your partner doesn't think you are simply walking away. It is helpful to say something like; "I think I need a time out right now. I am too upset to think straight and need some time to calm down. Let's check back in an hour." Learning to take a loving time out is a valuable skill.
- Do a daily check in. Take the time during your day to check in and see how one another are doing. Try to touch base about your thoughts and feelings as well as how your partner's day is going. Make sure you ask if it is a good time when you call.
- Make a date night. Make sure to pick something you both enjoy. Keep the pressure low, but make sure it is adults only.
- Put the romance back into the relationship. Sharing specific information about what pleases you and agreeing to do things to please each other on a regular basis is a very good idea. If you are not sure what your partner would like, ask him or her to complete the following sentences: "I feel loved and cared about when you"_______", "I used to feel loved and cared about when you"________" and "I would love it if you would ____________."
- Let your partner influence you. Let your partner influence your decisions. Gottman found that, even in the first few months of marriage, men who allow their wives to influence them have happier marriages and are less likely to want a divorce than men who resist their wives' influence. Statistically speaking, when a man is not willing to share power with his partner, there is an 81 percent chance that his marriage will self-destruct.
Labels: healthy marriage
May 08, 2008
Healthy Marriage
A new study supports the growing evidence that healthy marriages equal healthier men and women.
Researchers from Mayo Clinic, in Rochester, MN, investigated whether marital status and self-assessed mental health are independent risk factors for poor self-rated overall health among female primary care patients.
The cross-sectional survey of family medicine patients treated in a clinic in rural Minnesota included 723 women. Self-ratings of mental health, demographics and symptoms were used to predict self-rated overall health.
The study found that women who were single, divorced or otherwise not married or widowed had lower odds of good self-rated overall health compared with married women. Women who were 65 years of age and over, women who rated themselves as depressed and women who reported more physical symptoms also were less likely to have good health compared with younger women, women who did not feel depressed and women with fewer physical symptoms, respectively.
Education was not independently related to health in this sample. Worry was related to health in the univariate analysis but not after controlling for self-assessed depression.
The study authors concluded that in order to improve overall health among rural women seen in primary care settings, special attention may need to be directed at women who are single, are older, report more physical symptoms and feel depressed. They suggested that programs include self-help materials, support groups and counseling services addressing social isolation, employment and financial hardship.
This study comes during a time of marriage crisis in America; almost half of all marriages continue to end in divorce. However, couples who stay married report happier and healthier lives.
In an article for Discovery Health, David Popenoe, a professor of sociology at Rutgers University and co-director of the National Marriage Project, dispelled common myths about marriage. Popenoe asserted that recent research suggests that men and women benefit about equally from marriage, although in different ways. Both men and women live longer, happier, healthier and wealthier lives when they are married. Husbands typically gain greater health benefits, while wives gain greater financial advantages.
Other research found that couples with children have a slightly lower rate of divorce than childless couples. Popenoe found that the most common reasons couples give for their long-term marital success are commitment and companionship. He warned that many studies have found that those who live together before marriage have less satisfying marriages and a considerably higher chance of eventually breaking up. And, according to a large-scale national study, married people have both more and better sex than do their unmarried counterparts; they report enjoying it more, both physically and emotionally.
Another recent study of 17 developed nations found that married persons have a significantly higher level of happiness than persons who are not married after controlling for gender, age, education, children, church attendance, financial satisfaction and self-reported health. The authors asserted that "the strength of the association between being married and being happy is remarkably consistent across nations." Marriage boosted financial satisfaction and health; cohabitation, by contrast, did not increase financial satisfaction or perceived health and the boost to happiness from having a live-in lover was only about a quarter of that of being married, stated the researchers.
And finally, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services: Administration for Children and Families found benefits for children, men, women and communities.
Children and youth who are raised by parents in healthy marriages, compared to unhealthy marriages, are: more likely to attend college, more likely to succeed academically, physically healthier, emotionally healthier, less likely to attempt or commit suicide, less likely to have behavioral problems in school, less likely to be a victim of physical or sexual abuse, less likely to abuse drugs or alcohol, less likely to commit delinquent behaviors, more likely to have a better relationship with their mothers and fathers, less likely to divorce when they get married, less likely to become pregnant as a teenager or impregnate someone, less likely to be sexually active as teenagers, less likely to contract STDs and less likely to be raised in poverty.
Women who are in healthy marriages are: more likely to have a more satisfying relationship, emotionally healthier, physically healthier, wealthier, less likely to be victims of domestic violence, sexual assault or other violent crimes, less likely to attempt or commit suicide, less likely to abuse drugs or alcohol, less likely to contract STDs, less likely to remain or end up in poverty and more likely to have better relationships with their children.
Men who are in healthy marriages, compared to unhealthy marriages, are: more likely to live longer, physically healthier, wealthier, more likely to have increased stability of employment, more likely to have higher wages, emotionally healthier, less likely to abuse drugs or alcohol, more likely to have better relationships with their children, more likely to have a satisfying sexual relationship, less likely to commit violent crimes, less likely to contract STDs and are less likely to attempt or commit suicide.
And lastly, communities with a higher percentage of couples in healthy marriages report the following: higher rates of physically healthy citizens, higher rates of emotionally healthy citizens, higher rates of educated citizens, lower domestic violence rates, lower crime statistics, lower teen age pregnancy rates, lower rates of juvenile delinquency, higher rates of home ownership, lower rates of migration, higher property values and decreased need for social services.
For more information, please visit Natural Standard's Medical Conditions database, specifically the Marital Distress Monograph.
Labels: healthy marriage
Ten Indicators of a Healthy Marriage
Writer:
Martha Filipic
filipic.3@osu.edu
(614)292-9833
Source:
Ted Futris
futris.1@osu.edu
(614)688-4169
Editor: Marriage Week USA is Feb. 7-14, 2003.
COLUMBUS, Ohio -- A strong, healthy marriage isn't a matter of luck or romance, says Ted Futris, family life specialist for Ohio State University Extension. It takes work and compatibility.
"Some factors that contribute to a healthy relationship are static -- they're things you can't really change," Futris said. "Others are things that are dynamic -- things that you can work on to improve your relationship." Either way, they're important to know for anyone who is married or is thinking of marriage, he said.
Marriage Week USA is Feb. 7-14, and Futris hopes couples will take some time during that week to improve their relationship. Futris, a founding member of the Columbus Marriage Coalition, shares 10 indicators of a good relationship:
Fostering good communication. Happy couples talk to each other, and they listen to each other. The best communicators recognize when outside distractions or emotional states are at work to prevent good communication, and find ways to work through them when both partners are ready.
Resolving conflict in a positive way. According to the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, habitual avoidance of conflict is the No. 1 predictor of divorce. Strong relationships are earmarked by a couple's ability to handle disagreements in a positive manner.
Having realistic expectations. When people first meet, they put their best foot forward and try to mask their flaws. This is normal, but couples should realize that as time goes on, the "real" person will emerge. Relationships develop over time, but unrealistic expectations of a partner, or of a relationship, can cause undue stress.
Paying attention to details of your partner's life. People in strong marriages know their partner well. They know major events in their partner's past, and they know each other's likes, dislikes, hopes and worries. And, they keep updating this information as their partner's world changes.
Experiencing more positive interactions than negative ones. Some research indicates that successful marriages have five times as many positive interactions as negative ones. Giving positive responses to a partner's bid for attention -- whether it's a question, an extended hand, or just a glance -- strengthens the relationship.
Building trust. Trust develops slowly, but it is fostered by communicating honestly and following through on promises.
Spending time together. Sharing experiences is a good way to build a relationship. Couples who enjoy doing things together -- rather than feeling obligated or forced into doing things together -- have a stronger, healthier relationship.
Shared values. Couples who start out with a wide array of shared values -- who agree on what's important in life -- have a better chance at building a solid relationship.
Shared responsibilities. Both partners have the obligation of nurturing the relationship, keeping the household running smoothly and working toward common goals. Allowing only half of the couple to bear the brunt of these responsibilities can cause resentment to build.
Adapting to change. People and relationships change over time. That's to be expected, not feared. Even people's expectations of a relationship can change. Partners need to be able to talk about these changes and find ways to adapt to them.
These are just some indicators of healthy relationships, Futris said. To learn more, a free on-line newsletter, "Marriage Matters," is available through Ohio State University Extension at http://hec.osu.edu/famlife/marriagematters/. Additional information is available through the Web site of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, http://www.smartmarriages.com.
Labels: healthy marriage
The Energetics Of A Healthy Marriage Relationship
by Dr. Rita Louise
Most of what we know about our relationships we’ve learn from TV, movies or even romance novels. For many women, the idea they will meet their Prince Charming and live happily ever after is something they are brought up believing is true. As a society, we are lead to believe that one day we will meet the man or woman of our dreams, fall in love, get married, have children and live together forever in an idealist world only found in fairy tails. And for a small number of couple this is the case. For the vast majority of us, once the honeymoon is over, what was once thought to be fun, easy and carefree turns into being work, an aspect of a relationship no one really ever considers. Thus instead of addressing the changes that are taking place in our relationship space, where we need to nurture ourselves and our relationship, we instead find ways of diminishing or destroying it.
In a marriage, or any kind of relationship, whether personal or professional, agreements, both spoken and unspoken, are created. For example, at work, we agree to work hard, show up on time and to follow the directives established by the company. In our marriage, we agree to be loving, supportive and faithful. In turn, if someone breaks or violates any of the agreements, we may try to convince ourselves that their bad behavior was ok, but in the end the hurt we experience simply accumulates and over time, we come to the conclusion that enough is enough. Instead of discovering how we can win back our mate’s love an approval, we often times go to our own corner, lick our wounded pride and project an attitude of “I can do it without him” or “I don’t care”.
There is a song sang by Brooks & Dunn called “Husbands & Wives”. If you are not familiar with the song, it goes like this:
Two broken hearts lonely looking houses
Where nobody lives
Two people each having so much pride inside
Neither side forgives
The angry words spoken in haste
Such a waste of two lives
It's my belief pride is the chief cause in the decline
Of the number of husbands and wives.
We are taught that pride is a good thing. We are proud of our country, our football teams, our children and our accomplishments. This is the good aspect of pride. It helps us to identify who we are, what we value and helps us create a balanced sense of self. For many of us, however, pride or should I say ego is also mixed with our need to compare ourselves with others. Am I richer, smarter or even better looking than the people around me? Now granted, there are some that are convinced of their superiority over others, but it isn’t the overt sense of pride we are talking about here, but instead the kind that works to protect us from ourselves and our self-doubt.
In a relationship, pride and ego are the enemy of love. Pride, ego and self-esteem are all important aspects of ourselves…yet too much pride can be a bad thing, especially if it means that my needs, my honor, my values come first. This is especially true when we insist that we are right and are unyielding, regardless of the cost to ourselves and others. In the end, no one gets what they want, and neither party is happy.
Let’s look at a relationship from another perspective – from an energetic perspective. Relationships are about creating a dynamic of give and take or as how many people have heard it described, it should be 50-50. Both parties have to be willing to commit their time and energy into making a relationship work. At first this is easy. When we meet and fall in love, everything is new. It is easy for us to put a great deal of ourselves into the relationship. In addition to wanting to spend time with our new love, we will find ourselves thinking about him or her throughout the day and look forward to the time we will spend together.
This is a normal part of the process. As we get to know our significant other, we enjoy the process of opening and deepening the feelings of mental and emotional closeness. We can see and feel ourselves getting closer to our partner and this is one of the best parts about falling in love.
This state of drawing closer, over time, begins to shift. It changes from big easily acknowledgeable steps closer to smaller, less noticeable ones. To many, this slowdown feels like the forward movement within the relationship has stopped or even as if they are growing apart from their partner. And while they may still love their spouse, they can find themselves feeling as if they are “falling out of love”.
So what has happened. Well first off, the relationship isn’t new anymore. We are no longer easily allured by the new learning’s, the new feelings we experienced when the relationship first started which allowed us to effortlessly pour our energy into the relationship. What happens for most of us, this drive fades away and instead of devoting our attention to our relationship, other things start to claim our attention, our time and our energy, which in the end takes away from the energy dynamics we have with our partner. What we find is instead of it being easy, we now have to make a conscious choice to contribute to the relationship – and this is often where a relationship will fail.
In a healthy relationship our partners need two things from us – our time and our attention. Of the two, our attention is more important. Without paying attention to their wants, needs and desires, we are inadvertently saying to them that they are low on the totem pole. And so even thought we might be spending time with them, this act does not let them know that they are valued in our eyes.
According to an article I read online. It stated that: “Giving time without attention is sort of like leaving a seventeen cent tip at a restaurant... it lets the other person know that you didn't forget, you just didn't think they were worthy of more. It's insulting, whether done consciously, as with the tip, or subconsciously, as with spending time with your significant other without giving them your full attention.”
How do we give our partner attention? We talk to them, we buy them a nice gift, we make them something, we do something with them. Bottom line, we show them through our thoughts and deeds that we are thinking about them, considering them and we have their welfare in mind.
While not fully on point, let me give you an example. Many years ago I had what I considered a very close friend. As customary, we exchanged gifts for Christmas. That year our relationship was very strained. He was spending a lot of his time and energy making hand made crystal rune sets for everyone he knew – well that is except for me. It was my hope I would be given a very very special set of runes for Christmas – especially because of the close relationship we had. Instead, however, he gave me a silver and turquoise bead bracelet with matching earrings. Now don’t get me wrong, it was nice….but to anyone, and I mean anyone who knew me, they could readily see that it was something I would never ever wear.
This experience left me feeling devalued, that he wasn’t thinking about me at all. Through his actions or lack of consideration it really hurt our long standing friendship. And I’m sharing this, because he was just a close friend. Just think about how much more devastating something like this can be when it happens in your relationship with your spouse.
Our mental involvement in our relationships is critical. If we don’t show our mate that we were thinking about them specifically, it loses some if not all of its value in their eyes.
Thankfully, we can all fall in love again. A successful relationship requires that we place our partner ahead of our wants and needs, our likes and dislikes. By doing so, we will find that our partner will respond (that is unless the relationship is too damaged) in turn. This happens when we wake up one day and realize that our partner has fallen from our attention for too long, when we recognize that we need our spouse in our lives or that we want to share our lives with them.
As we begin to put our attention back into our relationship, we can again close the gap that has opened between us and our spouse. This will create feelings of falling in love and help to rekindle the feelings of love that were once shared. It opens the flow of energy from one person to the other and helps to create a state of love and joy within the marriage.
This flow of energy supports us as we let go of the ravages and walls that our ego and pride have constructed. As our heart melts, we can again begin to feel the love that was already and always there. When we feel loved, we feel safe and secure enough to open our hearts and minds to another. It gives us the opportunity to express our essence and share feelings of peace, serenity, happiness, compassion and patience with them. It is then that we can begin to celebrate our union and oneness with another and truly go riding into the sunset and live happily ever after.
Labels: healthy marriage
What Makes a Healthy Marriage?
by VaNiya, May 5, 2008
Two healthy wholes is what constitutes a healthy marriage.
According to most, the key to a healthy marriage is love, commitment, honesty and trust. True. However, one of the most important aspects to a healthy marriage is a healthy sense of self as a complete and capable individual.
Successful marriages are not the union of two partial entities, but a unique new entity made of two healthy wholes. Another part of a healthy marriage is having a healthy spiritual relationship. A healthy spiritual relationship is vital for a healthy marriage.
In addition, a healthy family origin is another important component of a strong marriage. Whether for good or ill, our family origin sets a foundation of our expectations for what marriage should be. For example, if our parents were good role models in settling disagreements and attending emotional needs of family members, the new marriage will certainly benefit. For most married couples, family set many positive examples that benefit the new marriage.
Another important key factor in a healthy marriage is readiness. Both parties must be ready for a commitment. Both parties have to be ready to take the “big step.” Each person must also be mature. This is another reason why most marriages fail; one person is either immature or not ready.
Having a healthy premarital relationship is another very important factor in having a healthy marriage. It is important to have a good dating relationship before marrying your partner. Most couples, who have experienced problems in the relationship prior to marriage, will probably end in divorce.
Sometimes, people often feel pressured into marriage. Another important factor in a healthy marriage is knowing what the standards are so each person can decide to meet them. Most individual like knowing what is expected of them.
Many marriages are failing because people fail to recognize the signs of an unhealthy marriage. A healthy marriage has several signs including lack of commonality, lack of maturity and lack of compatibility. When two people are going in opposite directions, the marriage is not healthy. A marriage composed of a mature couple has an advantage over one composed of two individuals who are not mature. It is also important for couples to share the same views and values.
However, it is just as important to have opposite views in common. Valuing diversity inside the relationship is important. A healthy relationship is allowing people to be themselves; it is stepping outside of our comfort zones.
Most importantly, a healthy marriage is a well rounded one.
Labels: healthy marriage
Maintaining a Healthy and Loving Relationship
by Michele Germain, LCSW
Most of us want to fall in love, be in love and stay in love and magically live happily ever after... as the story goes. We merge placing our soul in the hands of the other expecting that the relationship will provide all our happiness. We even expect our partner to know exactly what, when and how to provide this.
But fulfilling relationships do not happen automatically and they don't happen when the relationship is driven by a need rather than caring. If the relationship is going to grow we must give it our time and attention. We must each give to the other and not just be focused on what it is that we need. But often the relationship gets puts aside as the daily task of life take over. We barely have time for ourselves with our life schedule, work schedule or kid's schedules, let alone making time to focus on and give to our partner. We become distracted and tension builds up each person feeling that his/her needs for intimacy are not getting met. Each partner is waiting for the other to do something about it.
Ads by Google
10 Skinny Rules
Lose 9 Pounds Every 11 Days By Following These 10 Simple Rules
www. fatloss4idiots. com
When a long time has gone by without intimacy, neither one wants to make the first move toward the other. (I call this the big stand off) Reaching out by either person does not take place. I see this so often in my psychotherapy office with couples who have not taken responsibility and brought to the relationship what was needed. What happens then is that there is a great deal to clean up that has been swept under the rug. I have to work at pealing away minor and major conflicts, disagreements, hurts, before I can get to the core problem which is that each person's core need to be loved and cared for is not getting met.
We all recognize that we need to tune up our cars, but we do not think of tuning up our relationships. We take more time with our homes, painting, fixing, redecorating, reconstructing etc. but we do not take the time with our relationships. Tensions then build up.
As with anything we aspire to, the more we put in the more we will get back. Look, for example, at a plant's life. Plants need care in order to survive and grow. They need water, fertilizer, light and air. If we do not give them these essential elements they will wither and die. Relationships are no different, they need certain essential elements in order for them to grow and proper or they too may die on the vine.
Couples need romantic time and fun together, they need a sense of security and commitment, and they need meaningful communication. This will keep the spirit in the relationship and allow each to open to the other to the point where intimacy can occur.
Here are some ways to achieve these essential elements so you can maintain a healthy and loving relationship. Integrate them into your daily life as best you can, but start today.
1) Developing romantic and fun time together. Set up your schedule to include time together. Be realistic with the amount of time your set aside. It is very important to be consistent. If you only have one hour a week, then do not plan a full day. Consistency built trust and connection lays the foundation of a healthy relationship. Both of you need to participate in deciding how and when to spend time together.
2) Developing a sense of security and commitment. Security is assurance we feel when we know someone is committed to love and values us. It's a sense that whatever conflicts or problems we have we will be fully committed to finding the solution and working together in partnership. We show our affection in little ways throughout the day with a phone call from the office or a hug when our partner returns home, or leaving a loving note on his/her car. Giving complements and expressing gratitude when your partner does something for you as simple as taking the dishes out of the dishwasher goes a long way.
3) Establishing meaningful communication. We do this by being open and honest with who we are and what we feel. We make request instead of demands, we watch our tone, and listen carefully to our partner. We share our hopes and dreams. We do this hopefully from a place of peace rather than a place of fear or blame. We express our ideas and goals for the relationship and our individual goals. We help to empower each other to fulfill our full potential and we work together to fulfill the potential of the relationship. Empowering means that we give encouragement support and believe in the other, maybe before they believe in themselves
Changing your relationship will take discipline, intention and courage. Be patient with yourself, praise yourself for all your efforts and listen to your soul sing. As we love others we are connecting with our true essence and being who we really are. If relationships are based on getting our needs met instead of by caring they are not likely to bring happiness.
About the Author
Michele Germain, author of The Jill Principle: A Woman's Guide to Healing Your Spirit after Divorce or Breakup, has a master's degree in social work from Wayne State University and is licensed as a Clinical Social Worker and Marriage Family Therapist in California. She is a Certified Bioenergetic Analyst, offering an approach that resolves the emotional pain remaining in the body, increasing the individuals well being and capacity for pleasure. She conducts workshops and seminars on a variety of mental health topics and life changing issues. She has appeared on radio, cable television and in print media, and has lectured aboard major cruise lines such as the Pearl and Royal Caribbean. For more information and to sign up for her free newsletter visit www.thejillprinciple.com
Labels: healthy marriage
Tips for a Healthy Marriage
Marriage is a , long-term bonding between two people. Maintaining a healthy marital relationship is not that easy. You both have to take some efforts to make your marriage successful. Here are some useful tips for a healthy marriage.
For any relation to survive, it is very essential to keep it cheerful and healthy. And it’s quite true especially in case of longer-lasting relationships such as marriage. Marriage is a very precious and important commitment. It is a bonding of not only two individuals, but also of two families. Marriage offers personal, emotional and economical stability to a person. Hence, every person strives to maintain the marital relationship. However, only living together is not a sign of successful marriage. It should be pleasant and enjoyable for both the partners. Successful marriage means commitment, caring and tolerance for each other. It is responsibility of both partners to make their marital relation healthy and cheerful.
Tips for a Healthy Marriage
Building and maintaining a healthy marriage is not that easy. It needs a lot of efforts and enough time. Both the partners should equally take efforts to make their marital relationship enjoyable and comfortable. Given below are some helpful tips that you can practice for a successful married life.
Communication is the most important key to a healthy relationship. Effective communication helps develop a strong bond between the couple. You should be able to express your feelings and share all your joys, worries and concerns with your partner. However, communication is not restricted to talking only. You should also be able to carefully listen to your partner.
For being able to communicate effectively, you need to keep aside enough time for each other from your busy schedule. You must spend some time with each other for a meaningful conversation. Try to have a lunch or dinner together everyday.
You both should take hard efforts to develop the relationship. You can take a review of past moments and find out your mistakes and problems in your relationship. By this, you can decide the areas to be strengthened and improved. You can also seek help from a professional marriage counselor.
Another important thing for a healthy marriage is to express an appreciation. Saying ‘Thank you’ can make your partner feel special and appreciated. You should never miss to appreciate your partner even for everyday things such as cooking the meals, cleaning or taking care of the kids. It would make your partner happy and more enthusiastic.
Commitment is one of the most important factors in a healthy marriage. Your relationship with your partner should be a priority in your life. A relationship needs an attention and efforts to grow. Although you are too busy with your work, do spend some quality time together.
Always be honest with each other. It is the most important thing for a successful marriage. Infidelity of one or both partners can ruin a marital relationship. If you commit any mistake, admit it to your partner. Being honest with each other, you can build a strong relationship.
Trust is the strong foundation of a marriage. You should fully trust your partner. It not only gives a solid base, but also helps develop the relationship.
Compromise is a very essential for any relationship. But it is especially important for a healthy marriage. Always keep in mind; your partner may be brought up in a different culture. Hence, you should be ready to accept his/her views and opinions. Even if you disagree on any issue, discuss it calmly. Try to find the ways to meet each other in the middle. If your partner makes any mistake, don’t panic or don’t hurt him/her by using harsh words. Control your anger and forgive your partner. By this, your partner will start to respect you.
Maintain your sense of humor. Have fun with your partner and laugh often. It helps relive tensions and stress and helps get through a difficult time together.
Most marriages are romantic in the beginning. However, as time passes, a couple becomes distracted by work, business and kids. You should keep the romance alive and make your partner feel special by some romantic things. Go for a date with your partner, or arrange a picnic, or have a walk on the beach.
By adopting these useful tips, you can make your marriage a healthy and successful affair for years
Labels: healthy marriage
How to Maintain a Healthy Marriage
By meemee67
How to Maintain a Healthy Marriage
Rate: (2 Ratings)
People get married for different reasons. Mostly, it is because two people love eachother, they want to share thier lives together and build on what they have already cultivated. In a marriage comes a lot of atributes that people tend to lack because they take thier spouses for granted. It doesn't have to be that way. Marriage is a wonderful and joyous union when it is between two people who love each other. To keep your marriage healthy and happy here are a few tips.
Things You’ll Need:
Compromise
Devotion
Trust
Honesty
Respect
Step
1
Compromise. You can't have your way all the time. Compromise is key. It is essential that you bring compromise into your relationships, especially marriage. Sometimes you have to not basically give in, but be a bit more flexible, less stubborn. If you are too rigid or you always accept to have it your way and only your way, that is one sided and eventually, it will ruin.
Needing to have control in every situation is a bit immature and not very reasonible.
Step
2
Be communicative. Talk about your day, the news, a funny event, a future trip. Keeping the lines of communication open is healthy. It keeps things flowing and exciting!
Step
3
Allow for alone time. Just because your spouse wants a night out with the girls or guys, doesn't mean they don't love you. Everybody needs their own time and space with their friends or even by themselves.
Before you were a wife and a husband, you were and still are you, an individual. So make a plan with freinds once a week, have them do the same.
Step
4
Respect their views and choices. Not everyone thinks the same or would behave in the same manner as you, this is why you are different. Do you want to be with someone who was exactly as you are? Someone who agreed with everything you did and thought? Remember why you fell in love with this person. Don't try to mold them into you. DO not take it personaly if they disagree, people do that, that's life and it is human nature. If someone does not agree with you, it's ok , don't look at is as an attack.
Step
5
Keep the romance. As we get comfortable and more secure in our relationships, we may take things for granted. Even if your not the most romantic person, try little things like flowers or tickets to a game or ballet or a nice walk at night by the water. It's simple things in life that matter most. Maybe a love note on the frig in the morning before you leave for work? getting caught up with chores and kids and your career, that's fine but you need to focus on eachother also so your marriage does not become stale and stagnant.
Step
6
Be considerate. Don't take for granted that if your working late, you can just walk in the door at 11 pm. call, let him or her know you won't make it for dinner. If you know they can't bring their laundry in the morning because they have an extra early meeting, suggest to do them the favor. If it's you who has the car and she's on empty, fill her up. It is the little things that mean a lot. Pick up that movie they have been wanting to watch but because they know you don't want to see it, they haven't. Surprise them with flowers, a gift certificate, a shirt you thought may be nice on him , a tasting to a wine and cheese, anything you feel he or she would like, why not do it>
Step
7
Patience is not easy. yet it is terribly nessasary and it is not innate, you have to learn it and work at it. There are times in life where we need to realize and accept that our lvoed ones are not always going to do as we wish or agree with us. They will from time to time get us angry or frustrated. We have to reign ourselves in in order not to lose it. It's not easy living with one person for all of your life, it takes some adjusting-so be patient with them and yourself as well.
Step
8
Don't take things too seriously. Laughter is good for the soul. There is too much emphasis on serious issues in life, forget about marriage but, you need to be willing to laugh at yourself and eachother time to time. It not only feels good it is good for you!
Step
9
Share each other's interests. Okay so they are not into yoga or football, so what?
There are many things you can try together, tennis, hiking, camping, canoeing. Sharing hobbies and trying different things keeps things fresh and exciting. It just makes you feel happy and brings joy to the marriage.
Step
10
Be honest. If you fear that your spouse will not understand your feelings and think sweeping things under the rug is the answer and lying about it saying nothing is wrong, your wrong. It is always best to be honest about how you feel and anything for that matter. I am not saying each of you need to know every single idiosyncrasy of each other's day but, if it bares on the marriage, you need to be forthright.
Labels: healthy marriage
