How To Help Your Marriage Last The Distance
Relationships : Marriage
Making a marriage last the distance can seem very hard in this day and age, and for that reason some people decide to just co-habit for life and not take the ultimate step, as it is seen.
However many people do marry, and no-one gets married with the thought that they are going to divorce - everyone wants their marriage to last forever. Yet an increasing number of marriages do, sadly, end in divorce or separation of some kind between the two partners of the marriage.
Making a marriage work requires hard work.
And above all it requires communication from both parties to the marriage - that's probably one of the key things.
The majority of problems in relationships according to marriage counsellors comes from this one thing - the two partners stop talking to each other and sharing and expressing their feelings.
And when that happens comes the trouble.
In a recent survey, these counsellors listed their top tip for helping a marriage to last, and that was almost certainly communication, coupled with respect, care and showing affection.
The other thing that was high up the list was continuing physical affection such as kissing and cuddling as you get older - when this goes the two of you can start to drift apart too, so make sure that you keep that element of your relationship up too for a marriage that lasts the distance - good luck!
Labels: healthy marriage
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Top 7 Warning Signs Your Marriage is in Trouble
By Cathy Meyer, About.com
See More About:extra-marital affairslegal separationthe divorce process
In most divorces, one spouse is caught off guard by the delivery of divorce papers. That is why it pays, to pay attention to what is going on in your marriage. Getting comfortable with the status quo and taking things for granted is one of the biggest mistakes married couples make. Below is a list of warning signs of a marriage in trouble.
1. You no longer, have anything in common.
Do you and your partner spend hours together under the same roof, at social engagements or performing routine errands, yet rarely engage in meaningful conversation? Living in silence is a primary symptom of major marital problems.
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2. You can do no right.
Do you feel like your every action is being watched and criticized by your partner? Can you do no right in their eyes? Do you feel intimidated or afraid because of your partners constant criticism? Too often partners will funnel larger relationship issues into negative criticism of day-to-day tasks.
3. You are the last to know.
Is you partner no longer sharing information with you about his career, personal problems or personal achievements? Is your partner sharing this information with a friends and family and you hear it second hand? When you become the last to know important information there has been a huge breakdown in communication.
4. A change in appearance.
Over time, your comfort level will inevitably end that desire to look "perfect" for every encounter with your partner. However, a drastic decline in personal appearance and hygiene by your spouse could be a sign of they no longer care or, are happy in the marriage.
5. Looking for distractions from the problems.
If the television is on constantly, you both sit with your face buried in a book or you always have something else that needs to be done there may be a problem. It is common for individuals to find such distractions to avoid dealing with a troubled marriage.
If the television is on constantly, you both sit with your face buried in a book or you always have something else that needs to be done there may be a problem. It is common for individuals to find such distractions to avoid dealing with a troubled marriage.
6. Arguing over the same subject repeatedly.
If your arguments become routine with all the same issues and no resolution, then your marriage is either standing still or dying fast. You may need the assistance of a professional counselor to help find solutions to the problems that don’t seem to go away.
7. Intimacy is a thing of the past.
A considerable decline in physical affection is one of the most recognized symptoms of a failing relationship. Intimacy is the act that allows us to bond as husband and wife. If your partner is showing no or very little interest in intimacy with you then they are showing little concern for their emotional bond with you as a husband/wife.
Labels: Is Your Marriage in Danger?
Is Your Marriage In Trouble?
by Darlene Smith, B.S.W., M.C., Vancouver, Washington
DIVORCE IS HAPPENING FAR TOO OFTEN. AND IT ISN’T ANY LONGER "OUT THERE." IT’S IN HERE AMONG US, IN OUR CHURCHES. MARRIAGES THAT START OUT WITH HIGH HOPES AND WONDERFUL GOALS SOMEHOW OVER A PERIOD OF TIME COME UNGLUED. TAKE A FEW MOMENTS AND CHECK THE WARNING SIGNALS FOR YOUR LIFE.
Tom sat in my office trying to keep his tears in check. "Looking back," he said, "I can see where Mary was trying to tell me our marriage was in trouble, but I wasn’t listening. I was too involved in my work, and now I’m afraid it’s too late."
Over the years I have heard numerous variations of Tom’s story and pain. Marriages seldom fall apart overnight. Almost always there are warning signals if you’re willing to acknowledge them.
CHECK THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS THAT APPLY TO YOUR MARRIAGE. (NAMES ARE FICTITIOUS.)
1. You want more time away from your spouse, even when you are in the same house.
2. You share fewer feelings with your spouse because he/she wouldn’t understand or care.
3. You and your spouse rarely touch except sexually.
4. You have become very critical of your spouse – to her/him, to your children, to others, and/or to yourself.
5. You are carrying resentments toward your spouse. Things that take place in the present add to things that you haven’t resolved from the past.
6. You think of former romantic relationships and feel you would have been happier if you had married one of them.
7. You don’t make plans to spend special time with your spouse. The two of you mostly sit at home watching TV, reading, etc.
8. You complain about your marriage to your friends and/or a parent.
9. You aren’t keeping yourself up, i.e., by exercise, cleanliness, dressing attractively, or controlling your weight.
10. You make hurtful "jokes" about your spouse in front of him/her when others are present.
11. When you and your spouse do talk, the subjects are usually money and children and who is going to do what around the house.
12. More and more you find yourself attracted to members of the opposite sex.
13. You compare your spouse to others of the opposite sex, and others usually come out ahead.
14. When your spouse tries to talk to you about something that is wrong, you repeatedly tune him/her out.
15. You cope with life with compulsive behaviors such as over-eating, overworking, over involvement in church activities (or alcohol, drugs, etc.)
16. You customarily share your deepest feelings with a close friend rather than with your spouse.
17. You rarely compliment or show appreciation to your spouse.
18. Most of your free time is spent in activities that don’t include your spouse.
19. You and your spouse bicker and argue over small things, or your "discussions" frequently escalate into major fights.
20. You feel your spouse should do things your way. You try to change your spouse into whom you want him/her to be.
21. You avoid being alone with your spouse. You are more comfortable when others are present.
22. You have sexual fantasies about other members of the opposite sex.
23. You spend considerable time and share your feelings with a member of the opposite sex.
24. When you and your spouse fight, on occasion one (or both of you) throw things, break things, or slaps or hits the other.
25. You dress or behave in ways to attract the opposite sex.
ADD YOUR CHECK MARKS. IF YOU CHECKED:
1-3 items You have a strong marriage. Work on the areas you checked.
4-8 items Your marriage is showing signs of deterioration. Pay attention and work on those areas that need improvement.
9-12 items Your marriage is in trouble. You are on your way to a dead marriage. Do something now or your marriage will most likely slip into the next category. Find a good marriage therapist, attend marriage seminars or read books about strengthening your marriage. Let your spouse know that saving your marriage is very important to you.
13+ items Your marriage is in CRISIS! You may still be able to save it, but it will take a huge commitment and a lot of hard work. Your marriage is dying and only emergency care will save its life. Get help immediately or it will be too late.
Labels: Is Your Marriage in Danger?
Is Your Marriage in Trouble?
Early-warning signs that might signal problems in a marriage.
By Edwin Kiester, Jr., and Sally Valente Kiester
One evening when Linda Bunfield of Evergreen, Colo., asked her husband about his workday, he shrugged, mumbling something about being exhausted. It was the second time in a few days that Dennis had kept to himself like that.
Linda knew something was bothering him, but he wouldn't talk about it. To her this was yet another warning sign that their marriage needed improvement.
The next day she signed them up for a weekend couples' workshop given by Howard Markman at the University of Denver. There Dennis admitted he had work problems but "didn't want to burden" Linda with them. The workshop convinced him that they needed to share such concerns in order to have a strong marriage.
"People think marriages end with an affair or something equally explosive," says John Gottman, author of Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. "In fact, most end gradually, sliding down a slope of complaint, criticism, defensiveness and withdrawal until it's difficult to scramble back up. Yet there are usually early warnings that the relationship could be headed for trouble."
Here are some of the most common warning lights that can alert you to take stock of your marriage:
Separate Date Books
Linda Bunfield acknowledges that she and Dennis had been keeping "his" and "her" calendars. Each had a full schedule that, however unintentionally, excluded the other. In these hectic times, going separate ways is commonplace. It can also be a warning of possible breakdown ahead, according to therapist Michele Weiner-Davis, author of Divorce Busting. "Careers, children, hobbies, volunteer work -- people put all these things ahead of their relationships," Weiner-Davis says. Her suggestion: an "our" calendar that puts your relationship first. Make it a priority to pencil in dates for dinner out, day trips and just spending time together at home.
Thinking the Worst
In the early days of a marriage, spouses assume only the finest of motives for the other's actions. Take, for instance, the new husband who's late arriving for dinner. He's probably stuck in traffic, his wife thinks, or he probably had to stay longer at work. When he arrives, no matter what time, she greets him warmly.
Later in the marriage, however, as dinners grow cold and the kids are hungry, she becomes annoyed. He could have called, she may think. He never considers anyone but himself. Or she broods about other, less kindly explanations -- perhaps another woman or a stop at the neighborhood bar.
"It's a bad sign when partners don't give each other the benefit of the doubt," says Markman, co-author of Fighting for Your Marriage. In solid relationships partners cut each other some slack.
No More Pinches
When Pat and Tom Sanders walk down the street, friends watch with amusement. The Palo Alto, Calif., couple have been married 33 years, yet they still walk hand in hand.
When a relationship is new, there's plenty of touching. The two can scarcely pass each other without an affectionate pat. But for many couples, that casual intimacy eventually vanishes. "They don't pinch each other anymore," Gottman says. "They don't giggle together over private jokes or offer compliments such as 'Thanks for that wonderful dinner last night.'"
Growing Out of Touch.
One workshop exercise at the Seattle Marital and Family Institute has couples answer such questions as "Who's your partner's enemy at work?" and "What's your partner's favorite way to spend an evening?" One husband was stumped when asked, "What are your partner's concerns and worries?"
It's potential trouble when a spouse no longer knows a partner's likes and dislikes, or doesn't recognize issues that make the partner anxious.
Gritted Teeth
A Seattle woman's husband would frequently switch on the television after dinner. In the early days of their marriage, she protested regularly. "But after a while," she says, "I gritted my teeth and put up with it. But the anger never went away."
Says Markman: "Too much peace can lead to a cold, distant relationship. Unless the partners speak up and resolve their differences and fight for their marriage, eventually there'll be an explosion -- or a walkout."
History Turns Sardonic
Alan met Lyllian when he came to pick up her roommate for a date. Marge and Tom met when he and his buddies gathered to get a look at the new teachers who'd come to their small Iowa town. Couples delight in telling these stories, often with laughter and affection.
But with other couples, sometimes the laughter disappears, and the whimsical tone gives way to sarcasm: "She trapped me -- that's how it happened," or "He chased me until I got tired of running." This is a tip-off that shouldn't be ignored. In fact, some marriage researchers say they can predict which couples are headed for a breakup simply by asking questions such as "How did you happen to get married?" and then watching their reactions.
If a warning signal lights up on your marital dashboard, here's what the experts advise:
Speak Softly
Don't challenge your spouse. Introduce your concern gently and with politeness and respect.
One couple in a Gottman workshop had just had a second child. As the mother was nursing the newborn in bed, with the older child lying between his parents, the husband suddenly realized there were now two bodies separating him from his wife. Sensing something was wrong, she asked, "What's the problem, John?"
"Oh, I'm just having a pity party," he replied.
"That was a wonderful answer," Gottman says. "His wife understood he was feeling neglected without his withdrawing or complaining."
Don't Wait
When you know things have gotten off track, speak up: "I don't like the way things have been going between us lately. Can we talk about it?" Couples who stay happily married only let a few difficult days pass before they look for a resolution.
Do a "Blamectomy"
"Remove blame from the discussion," Gottman advises. "Say, 'This is what's bothering me, what can we do about it?' Not, 'You lout! Why do you behave that way?'"
Be Flexible
Smart couples look for ways to ease tensions before they escalate out of control. In that regard, says Markman, "a little give makes a big difference."
From Reader's Digest - June 1997
Originally in Reader's Digest
Labels: Is Your Marriage in Danger?
Gottman’s Marriage Tips 101
Since 1973, Dr. John Gottman has studied what he calls the "masters and disasters" of marriage. Ordinary people from the general public took part in long-term studies, and Dr. Gottman learned what makes marriages fail, what makes them succeed, and what can make marriages a source of great meaning. By examining partners’ heart rates, facial expressions, and how they talk about their relationship to each other and to other people, Dr. Gottman is able to predict with more than 90% accuracy which couples will make it, and which will not. What advice does Dr. Gottman have to offer? Below are some of his top suggestions for how to keep your marriage strong.
Seek help early. The average couple waits six years before seeking help for marital problems (and keep in mind, half of all marriages that end do so in the first seven years). This means the average couple lives with unhappiness for far too long.
Edit yourself. Couples who avoid saying every critical thought when discussing touchy topics are consistently the happiest.
Soften your "start up." Arguments first "start up" because a spouse sometimes escalates the conflict from the get-go by making a critical or contemptuous remark in a confrontational tone. Bring up problems gently and without blame.
Accept influence. A marriage succeeds to the extent that the husband can accept influence from his wife. If a woman says, "Do you have to work Thursday night? My mother is coming that weekend, and I need your help getting ready," and her husband replies, "My plans are set, and I'm not changing them". This guy is in a shaky marriage. A husband's ability to be influenced by his wife (rather than vice-versa) is crucial because research shows women are already well practiced at accepting influence from men, and a true partnership only occurs when a husband can do so as well.
Have high standards. Happy couples have high standards for each other even as newlyweds. The most successful couples are those who, even as newlyweds, refused to accept hurtful behavior from one another. The lower the level of tolerance for bad behavior in the beginning of a relationship, the happier the couple is down the road.
Learn to repair and exit the argument. Successful couples know how to exit an argument. Happy couples know how to repair the situation before an argument gets completely out of control. Successful repair attempts include: changing the topic to something completely unrelated; using humor; stroking your partner with a caring remark ("I understand that this is hard for you"); making it clear you're on common ground ("This is our problem"); backing down (in marriage, as in the martial art Aikido, you have to yield to win); and, in general, offering signs of appreciation for your partner and his or her feelings along the way ("I really appreciate and want to thank you for.…"). If an argument gets too heated, take a 20-minute break, and agree to approach the topic again when you are both calm.
Focus on the bright side. In a happy marriage, while discussing problems, couples make at least five times as many positive statements to and about each other and their relationship as negative ones. For example, "We laugh a lot;" not, "We never have any fun". A good marriage must have a rich climate of positivity. Make deposits to your emotional bank account.
Labels: help for marriages
A List of Do's and Don'ts for Any Woman Trying to Save Her Marriage
You discover that your husband is "interested" in another woman. Is there any possibility of your marriage continuing? Absolutely.
Don't blame yourself or let others blame you for choices that your husband is making.
Recognize that you can't change your husband. So don't try to reform him. Don't nag or scream. (That's not going to make you any more attractive to him. He will just use it to point the blame to you.)
There can be no growth in your relationship as long as there is doubt as to your marriage. Make your commitment!
Live one day at a time.
Don't be bitter against anyone in the situation. Bitterness is something that destroys you; it does not destroy the person you are bitter towards. Never turn your children against their father. Forgive!
Don't ask family or friends to take sides against your spouse.
Discuss your intimate marriage problems with only a very select few. Don't give fuel to gossip.
Strength and food for each day.
Spend your time with people who will encourage you in spiritual growth.
Do not overcompensate with your children. They need your love and stability while their father is gone, but they still need discipline. Don't make them your confidants and friends. Be their parent.
Remember that the most innocent thing you say will get twisted. Avoid loose talk and do not listen to tale bearing.
If your husband left for another woman and then returns, don't expect your husband to change overnight.
The hardest time may be when you are reconciled and you have a tendency to fall back into old habit patterns. Don't do it!
Labels: marriage conflict
Help for Marriage Problems
A New Beginning is a turn-around weekend to help marriage problems, marriages in crisis and couples considering divorce. It dramatically changes your relationship with your spouse, regardless of what you feel for each other now. Any marriage can be saved! Think it’s impossible? We know it isn’t! It’s a fact—any marriage, regardless of how bad it is right now, or the problems being faced can not only be salvaged, but both husband and wife can fall deeply in love again. It doesn’t matter what you feel about each other right now. Anger. Bitterness. Rage. Hatred. Or no feelings at all. Our experience with thousands upon thousands of couples teaches us that there is a way—a methodology—that will turn your marriage around, stop the hurt, and rekindle the love that you had for each other back in the beginning.
For more information on this marriage-saving seminar, click here to contact a member of our marriage-crisis team or continue reading.
Who Should Attend?
Couples currently separated or divorced because of marriage problems.
Couples whose marriages are in crisis, troubled and in need of help.
Couples recovering from an affair or other major issue (adultery, infidelity, cheating wife, cheating husband).
Couples who want to understand each other, and communicate at intimate levels.
Couples trying to decide whether to stay together. Consider us 911 for your marriage problems.
How Will This Seminar Help Your Marriage Problems?
It helps you overcome your past (or the past of your spouse) to experience a wonderful future together.
Shows how each of you can and should get what you want and need from your relationship.
Provides a pathway to developing more love for each other than you thought possible, no matter what you feel for each other now.
Changes the way you interact with each other:
Decreases tension
Increases true understanding
Gives you a different perspective about:
Your marriage
Your future
Your mate
Sound too good to be true? We wouldn’t make such claims if we didn’t have the experience and the success to back them up. In fact, our statistics indicate that about 2 out of 3 of the couples who attend this training weekend leave our interactive seminar intent on doing what it takes to make their marriage work and are still together one year later.
In just 3 days we can show you how to turn your marriage around. No, we can’t heal all your marriage problems in just three days, but we can help you start healing. We can create within both of you the desire and the hope to take you through the rest of the process of healing. Then we’ll put you in contact with whatever help you need to finish the process.
Labels: marriage problems
Resources for Troubled Marriages
Does Your Marriage Need Help?
By Sheri & Bob Stritof, About.com
See More About:marriage advicetroubled marriagessaving your marriage
All marriages have good times and some bad times. Don't let small issues develop into large ones. Here is help in working through your marriage problems.
Emotional Affairs 101
Here's information about what an emotional affair is, how an emotional affair differs from a platonic friendship, warning signs of an emotional affair, how to protect yourself from an emotional affair, a quiz, poll, and more.
Top Ten Marital Mistakes
There appears to be a pattern to the marital problems and issues that couples share. Here's our list of the top ten things that you need to try and avoid in your own marriage.
Twelve Ways to Improve Your Marriage
Don't throw in the towel on your marriage until you try some of these tips on improving your marriage.
Marriage Questions and Answers
Read some of the marriage relationship questions that have been submitted by About.com readers. Questions include infidelity, chores, communication, parenting, trust, sex, legal issues, and more.
Tough Issues in Marriage
Here's help in coping with equality/submission concerns, finances, family of origin issues, family planning, parenting, in-laws, domestic violence, sexuality problems, infidelity, gender issues, health concerns, pornography, secrecy, housework and chores, stress, cultural differences, and even sleeping together.
Help in Handling Problems in Your Marriage
Read these articles if you are having trust issues, difficulty in forgiving, adultery concerns, wondering about change, and not fighting fair.
Saving Your Marriage
Learning about what makes a successful marriage can help you save your own marriage relationship.
Marriage Therapy and Advice
Check out these resources covering therapists, polls you can take, tests and quizzes, and where you can find support.
Ten Weeks to a Better Relationship
This is a step-by-step course that can help the two of you enhance your marriage relationship. Find out why expectations and myths can harm your marriage. Learn how to fight fairly. Check out ways to celebrate your coupleness. Watch movies together. Take the 90-day dialogue challenge. This is a ten-week course, delivered once each week.
Calling it Quits
If you have questions about whether or not to end your marriage, here's help on dealing with disallusionment, making plans, and letting go.
Know Your Legal Rights
You can find information here on marriage laws concerning common law relationships, annulments, bigamy, divorce, name change, and other agreements and contracts.
Labels: help for marriages
13 Ground Rules for Resolving Conflict in Marriage
March 19, 2008 by theanniversaryshop
Conflict in any close, loving relationship is inevitable. Fighting at a level that will wake the neighbors is not. Follow these guidelines to help you truly resolve conflict, not just battle it out.
Set aside time to discuss the issue with your spouse. “Discussions” in the heat of the moment tend to escalate quickly. Ask your spouse to set aside time to discuss the issue when you and your spouse are both calm.
Look at each other. Body language speaks volumes in any conversation, but even more so in conflict resolution. Do not try to work on a project while you are talking. Sit down together and look at each other throughout the conversation.
Keep distractions at bay. If possible, talk after the kids are in bed or when you are out together without anyone else around. Vow to make your time together a priority by resisting answering the phone, watching TV, working on the computer, or anything else that diverts attention from your spouse. Give your mate and the problem at hand your full attention.
Keep the main thing the main thing. If you are supposed to be talking about how you felt when you were left alone at the party, keep the conversation focused on that. Do not bring up last year’s Christmas gift or the fact that the dog was left outside last night. Focus on the main thing and see it through to a resolution.
As you keep the main thing the main thing, also remain in the present situation. Maybe this has happened before, maybe many times before. Resist the urge to bring up all the times in the past when the same situation has occurred. Even in a court of law, only certain references to past behavior are allowed. Stay focused and stay in the present.
Focus on the issue at hand, not your spouse’s character. Attacking your spouse in a way that is belittling or critical of his or her character is not acceptable. Remember that your goal is to resolve the conflict, not annihilate your spouse in the process.
Maintain respect throughout. It is easy to be flip or uncaring if your spouse responds in an unexpected way or starts to get defensive. Resist the urge to sink to sarcasm or hurtful words when the conversation gets hard.
Resist the temptation to generalize. Avoid using such inflammatory statements as “you always” or “you never.” Chances are good that these terms do not really apply. It may seem like they do, but does your spouse “always” or “never” do what he or she is being accused of? Probably not. This is a sure sign that the conversation is declining quickly and will certainly get a rise out of your spouse.
If your spouse is attempting to tell his or her side of the story, do your best to understand his or her point of view. It is possible that you misunderstood your mate’s actions or he or she didn’t know it was a problem. Seek to understand what his or her thoughts and feelings are.
Let your spouse speak without interruption. Even if you are the one who feels wronged by your spouse, do not monopolize the conversation. Resist the urge to speak your mind then shut down. Be respectful and do not interrupt. Men especially will start to shut down verbally and emotionally if they feel disrespected by interruptions.
Take a break if the conversation gets loud or emotions are escalating. Do not drop the conversation completely, but there are times when it is best to revisit the issue at a later date when cooler heads prevail. Leave the conversation on a positive note and set a time to come back together to talk.
Remember that your perception of the situation could be wrong. Maybe you were left alone at the party while your spouse spent most of the evening talking with someone else. Could it be that this person is a business contact offering future work to your spouse or a friend in crisis who needed someone to talk to? Could it be that your mate’s actions were not a malicious attempt to hurt you even though you felt hurt?
If you seem to be at an impasse, ask yourselves, “How can we get past this?” There are some conflicts that will not be resolved completely at one sitting, and some that will never be fully agreed upon ever. Come up with a way to live together in a loving relationship even though you may not see eye to eye on this particular issue.
A video discussion of these guidelines is found at Marriage Uncensored. The first 20 seconds or so are from a Christian perspective. The remainder of the video, however, applies to all and should not be offensive to non-Christians.
Fighting Fair provides excerpts from a recent Dr. Phil broadcast on the subject of conflict in marriage.
Both are worth previewing.
Yours for the celebration of marriage,
Claudia
Labels: marriage conflict
How to Resolve Conflict in Your Marriage
by Gillian Markson | More from this Blogger
The easiest answer to how to resolve conflict in your marriage is communication, but learning how to communicate effectively can be tough, so here are some tips on how to begin to do that.
First you need to figure out exactly what the conflict is. Poor communication skills, mistrust, insecurities, and lack of respect are among the common conflicts in a marriage. In marriages that have lasted for awhile, the conflict maybe something like lack of passion or boredom-maybe the feeling of being stuck. The first thing you need to agree on is that a conflict exists. If one of you is in denial, or accuses the other of over reacting or trying to "pick a fight where there is none," than there is a lack of respect in the home- because whether you agree with your spouse or not, their perceptions of the situation are valid, despite how you feel about it.
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A good exercise to get started on resolving conflict is for the two of you to sit down and write out all the aspects of your marriage which you enjoy. It's always better to start out with the positive; it makes the negative seem less intense.
Then write out three areas you would improve if you could do anything to change the way the marriage is going. Write as much detail as possible, it will help to clarify ideas during the discussion. Try not to blame or provoke, it won't help the situation and is childish. I find it very helpful to have these notes when we go into a discussion about conflict in our marriage, as I tend to forget the points I want to make after the discussion has started. Nothing is more frustrating than not being able to articulate!
If your marriage has severe conflict you may want to seek out some type of mediator for your discussion. It could be a conflict resolution specialist, your clergyman, or even a mutual friend whom you both feel comfortable with.
If you're catching the conflict early, you probably won't need a mediator. If your communication has been fairly good during your marriage, you've most likely avoided letting the conflict escalate unchecked to the point where professional intervention is necessary, but if you have, be honest with each other about needing help. Ignoring the elephant in the room leads to resentment and distrust, two killers for today's marriages. Next, using your lists, discuss the situation by really listening to each other. Look into your spouses eyes as they speak, and pay attention to what they are saying. Practice drawing out as much detail and examples as possible, so that the two of you can get a clear picture of how each of you perceives the situation.
Become solution oriented. You can discuss the situation until the cows come home and not get anywhere, which is typically what happens without a concrete plan to resolve the conflicts that both of you are willing to try. Keep your focus on what the two of you can do to resolve the conflict, and if you can be open minded, the answers will come. Remember that above all, you love each other.
Labels: marriage conflict
Resolving Conflicts and Saving Your Marriage
Your marriage is at the brink of dissolution. You and your spouse have lost trust and faith in each other; your mutual anger is so palpable that you can no longer go out as a couple without breaking into a verbal sparring match or an out-and-out fight. Past hurts and wrongs haunt both of you, coloring your interpretation of the present; and perhaps most damaging, one or both of you have engaged in an extramarital affair.
Despite such problems, couples can and do put their marriages back together, although only through extremely hard work. But both members of the couple must do the work, or it will be doomed from the start. Generally, the best approach is finding a marriage counselor to help you.
Therapists come in as many styles as this year's wall calendar. The question is, what should you look for in a marriage counselor? What kind of therapist is right for you?
Some of the best advice we've heard comes from Dr. Mitchell Baris, who works with the divorced and the divorcing every day. Couples should look for someone who can help them restructure their communication and react to their partner in terms of the real situation, not ghosts of the past, Dr. Baris advises. “Some counselors look into the couples' deep past; they help them go over their own childhood experiences, their early family dynamic. Couples might explore the impact their past had on their marital choice and on the negative (and positive) patterns they carried into their marriage and up to the present.”
Divorce Dictionary
Conflict resolution is a peaceful and mutually satisfactory way to end or significantly—and hopefully permanently—de-escalate a conflict.
Although different marriage counselors emphasize different strategies, we have seen the highest levels of success among those who focus on conflict resolution. When one spouse gets excited or angry, the ideal strategy for the other is to try to defuse the anger by soothing his or her partner. Going to war—or worse yet, dredging up the past—will only fuel the fires of conflict and weaken the relationship already on its last legs.
Couples in trouble might also benefit from lessons in fair fighting. In this technique, each partner listens to the other without being vicious or defensive—or striking back with hurtful insults or references to the past. One well-known doctor, who pioneered the technique of “restructuring” couples so that they can fight fairly, has this amusing approach: He keeps a piece of linoleum in his office and hands it to one person at a time. “Here, you hold the floor,” he says to the person holding the linoleum. The other person cannot speak until the linoleum is handed over. The lesson for couples here: learn how to hear the other one through, and do not interrupt, especially to escalate the conflict.
How do you find the right therapist? The best way, our experts tell us, is to get referrals from satisfied friends. Make sure, of course, that you select someone who specializes in couples and relationships and that he or she is well-regarded by other professionals. Make sure that whoever you choose feels “right.” Is there a rapport among all three of you? Can you communicate easily with the therapist? Sometimes one spouse will come to feel the therapist has allied with their partner against them;if your spouse feels this way, perhaps it would be best to seek help from another counselor, one who can strike a better sense of neutrality as the sessions go on.
Once you find a therapist who meets these criteria, give therapy a fair chance. Be open to the possibility that your marriage can be saved—and be ready to do the work that it requires. Remember, therapy isn't always easy, especially if you're carrying painful emotional baggage from your childhood. But, if you and your partner truly love each other and are willing to alter some basic patterns, therapy can succeed.
Labels: marriage conflict
Resolving Conflict in Marriage
How a Good Fight Keeps Your Relationship Happy
© Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
May 29, 2008
Many couples worry that fighting means the marriage is in trouble. On the contrary, psychologists believe that healthy conflict resolution is the key to a happy marriage.
If you’re holding your tongue about the raised toilet seat lid or dirty dishes all over the living room, you may be doing your marriage more harm than good.
Couples who suppress anger are twice as likely to face early death as those who express it, says University of Michigan psychology professor emeritus Ernest Harburg. A good fight with your spouse could be the key to a happy marriage.
What the Research Shows about Conflict in Marriage
Brooding on the things that irritate you, suppressing your anger, and giving your partner the “silent treatment” are not components of healthy conflict resolution – or a happy marriage.
The key to a happy marriage is healthy conflict resolution, which means expressing how you feel honestly and respectfully.
Why Unhappy Marriages Are Harder on Wives
UCLA researchers found that when husbands go home after work, their stress hormone cortisol is dramatically reduced whether or not they’re happily married. In contrast, wives enjoy lower cortisol levels after work only if they’re happily married. If they’re unhappy, their cortisol increases when they get home. Chronic stress elevates cortisol, which can lead to many health problems: depression, chronic fatigue, and possibly even cancer.
To ensure marriages are happy and cortisol levels are low, let both partners unwind after work, divide parenting responsibilities equally, and share domestic chores. This, along with healthy conflict resolution, may be the key to a happy marriage.
Resolving Conflict in Marriage
"When couples get together, one of their main jobs is reconciliation about conflict," Harburg said. "Usually nobody is trained to do this. If they have good parents, they can imitate, that's fine, but usually the couple is ignorant about the process of resolving conflict. The key matter is, when the conflict happens, how do you resolve it?"
To vent anger, Montreal-based psychologist Dr Laurie Betito suggests starting sentences with “I feel…” rather than “You make me feel...” Try saying “I feel overwhelmed,” instead of “You never help around here” (which puts your partner on the defensive).
“Talking about your problems gives you perspective, makes you feel understood, and allows others to support you,” says Dr Betito. “You don’t feel like you’re all alone.”
Labels: marriage conflict
How to Resolve Conflicts (Part 1)
My goal for your marriage is for you and your spouse to be in love with each other. With love, marriage is sensational. Without it, it's hell. So every time I tackle marital conflict, I stress the importance of resolving it in a way that builds the feeling of love in marriage.
The Policy of Joint Agreement
All of my Q&A columns offer solutions to problems through negotiation with mutual agreement as the goal. I define that objective in my Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). But I have received many letters wondering if this goal is reasonable. Can a husband and wife be expected to agree on everything? And agree enthusiastically? So I posted the column, Having Trouble with the Policy of Joint Agreement? In this column I not only discuss the Policy of Joint Agreement, but I also describe my Four Guidelines for Negotiation. When you negotiate with these guidelines, you can't help but solve your problem.
Incompatibility is at the core of marital conflict. How to Survive Incompatibility is a column that introduces the problem of incompatibility, and offers the Policy of Joint Agreement as a general solution. The problem of incompatibility and the solution are readdressed in Following the Policy of Joint Agreement When You're VERY Incompatible.
Your First Year of Marriage
First things first. How to Thrive (or Survive) after the First Year of Marriage is designed to help you avoid the most common mistakes made during and after the honeymoon. The way you make decisions right after marriage will either set you on a course toward compatibility and mutual love, or on a course that leads to disaster.
A column that deals with conflict that often occurs in the first year of marriage is The Mother-in-law.
Should You Have Children?
One of the important questions asked after marriage is Should We Have Children? This column shows how difficult it can be for some couples to answer. Did you marry to spend your life loving each other or to have children? Sometimes you can't have both.
Your First Baby
Once your first child arrives, you may wonder How to Thrive (or Survive) after Your First Baby. This column focuses attention on the decisions you are forced to make that will change your lifestyle. Unless you create your new lifestyle to bring both you and your spouse closer together, your child may be raised by only one parent.
Raising Children
It doesn't take long before your baby reaches an age when training is necessary. How should you and your spouse discipline your child? In a way that builds love for each other. That's my answer to the questions I post in How to Raise Children and Keep Love in Your Marriage. You will find that child discipline that keeps love in your marriage also puts your child on a successful course in life.
Blended Families
Raising your own children is difficult enough, but raising someone else's children has proven to be almost impossible for many spouses. That's one of the reasons that divorce is so likely in a blended family. But divorce is not inevitable, and step-children can be raised in a way that preserves the feeling of love of the parents. It's all explained in How to Raise Children in a Blended Family and Keep Love in Your Marriage.
Dividing Domestic Responsibilities
With children come responsibilities. With responsibilities comes conflict -- conflict over who's responsible. I address this touchy issue in two columns, How to Divide Domestic Responsibilities (Part 1) and How to Divide Domestic Responsibilities (Part 2). In this age of dual income families, the method I suggest solves a problem that threatens to become a national crisis. As these columns illustrate, my solution to this problem is often met with ridicule. All I ask is that couples give it a chance to prove itself. Granted, my plan is certainly not intuitive, but it works.
Career Development
A career should enhance your marriage, and not diminish it. Yet, many choose careers that makes it almost impossible to have a good marriage. When a couple is starting out in life, the choice of a career can often make or break their marriage. So I address this important issue in, How to Develop Your Career and Keep Love in Your Marriage. Even if your career is already in place, you should make sure that it helps make your marriage successful. One good test is the Policy of Joint Agreement. Is your spouse enthusiastic about it?
Financial Planning
What would a marriage be without disagreements over money? There are so many ways to spend it, and so little of it to go around. It's been said that the #1 cause of divorce is financial conflict. It's not true, but it's certainly an area of conflict that can bring a marriage down. How to Resolve Financial Conflicts and Keep Love in Your Marriage is a column that will help you gain perspective on your financial decisions. Unless you make these decisions with each other's feelings in mind, I guarantee that you will lose love for each other, and probably lose most of your money, too.
Labels: marriage conflict
Why Doesn't Marriage Solve Problems?
by Heather Long
This is a particularly odd entry for the marriage blog that I have in mind today and I ask that you bear with me as I explore a difficult topic. Why do women stay with men they want to behave differently? Why do women marry men who really don't have a lot going for them and who really don't treat them well?
It really doesn't make much sense and when you watch someone you care about doing that to him or herself; you may find yourself stuck between a rock and a hard place. Do you know someone like this? Have you watched them jump through hoops? Have you heard them constantly excuse their significant other's shortcomings? Have you ever heard one of them say that it would all work out when they were married?
I have. The first time I heard someone say that, I was appalled. If she really didn't like the man now and desperately wanted him to change, why were they even contemplating marriage? When he encouraged unrecognizable changes in the woman he was engaged to and discouraged her from any remnants of her previous life because they weren't suitable or positive in his opinion, what the heck was going on?
How could they be involved in a committed, caring relationship when it boiled down to the fact that they really didn't like who the other person was.
The answer is frighteningly simple.
The Power of Attraction
Many men and women do not base their choices in a significant other on how decent, caring or good someone is to them or in general; they do it because of the primal attraction they feel for them.
Seriously.
These men and women will put up with their unsuitable choice for months and sometimes even years. Their friends and family will stare, shake their heads and wonder what is going on. There can even be disputes as friends and family try to discourage what seems so obvious to them and yet the couple persists.
Why do people do that?
Because they confuse attraction with connection and they are often convinced if they can compensate for what they feel the other is lacking - it will work out. You see this a great deal in relationships between immature partners. Not young, mind you, but emotionally immature partners.
The Idea of Love
Unfortunately, for the people who find themselves in these types of relationships. The problem is that the men or women they are with may have all the potential in the world. They may have within them the capability to be great and be all the things that others can see in them. But they are usually not at a place in their lives where they are interested or even capable of forming and developing a committed and deep relationship with anyone.
You cannot force someone to be something else. Marriage is not a stock investment that will hopefully mature in time to provide you with a significant return. Sadly, marriages such as this take place all the time and many of them are doomed to failure.
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I've been in those relationships. I have been on the receiving end of the affection when I was nowhere near ready for that kind of commitment. I have experienced the deep emotion that I thought was love for a man who was nowhere near ready for that kind of a relationship either. Falling in love with an idea is dangerous. Because ideas do not feel, they do experience pain and they rarely are able to commit and return those feelings.
Labels: marriage conflict
7 Relationship Problems and How to Solve Them
How to resolve the most common relationship problems and get your love life back on track.
By Carol Sorgen
WebMD Feature Reviewed by Amal Chakraburtty, MD
It's a rare couple that doesn't run into at least a few relationship problems -- even when their love life is generally happy. It helps, experts say, to know what the most common problems in a relationship or marriage are. That way you'll have a better chance of getting through them if they occur in yours. Scott Haltzman, MD, is a clinical assistant professor of psychology at Brown University in Providence, R.I. "Knowing what to expect from relationships -- the good, the bad, and the ugly -- is the best way to make sure you're not looking for something that will never be there," Haltzman says.
Ideally, basic topics such as money, sex, and kids should be discussed before a couple decide to share their life together, says Margaret A. Cochran, PhD. Cochran is a San Francisco Bay area psychotherapist who coaches couples on resolving marriage problems and building romantic intimacy. But agreeing on these things, she says, doesn't guarantee that a marriage or long-term relationship is going to be trouble free.
Marriage and family therapist Terri Orbuch, PhD, director of the NIH-funded Early Years of Marriage project at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor, has identified seven common relationship problems and ways to address them. Her suggestions can help you get a wobbly relationship back on track.
Relationship problem #1: Lack of trust
Trust is an essential part of a relationship, Orbuch tells WebMD. "Trust becomes an issue when one partner doesn't feel the other is being honest, or doesn't have his or her best interests at heart," she says. It can become a major issue if one of you feels the other has a roving eye - or worse, sees signs of a cheating spouse.
Orbuch's solution is a "trust talk." You and your partner need to ask one another about your feelings about and experience with dependability and commitment. What are the behaviors that are causing you to lose trust in your partner or to doubt his or her commitment? Finally -- and Orbuch says you need to think about this carefully -- do you have unresolved issues of your own that hinder your ability to trust others? "You have to have a trustworthy partner," Orbuch says, "but you also have to have the ability to trust."
Mary Jo Fay, RN, MSN, author of , offers these tips to help you and your partner develop trust in each other.
Be consistent.
Be on time. When you have to be late, call and say you'll be late.
Do what you say you will do, and call when you say you will call.
Don't lie - not even little white lies - to your partner or to others.
Be fair, even in an argument.
Be sensitive to the other's feelings. You can still disagree, but don't discount how your partner feels.
Carry your fair share of chores.
Respect your partner's boundaries.
Be a good listener.
Try not to overreact when things go wrong.
Don't dig up old wounds. Remember that once you say things, you can't take them back.
Don't be jealous.
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Labels: marriage conflict
