How to Cope With a Sexless Marriage - Living in a Sexless Marriage
By Kelly Rafferty
If you're wondering how to cope with a sexless marriage you may be looking in the wrong place. If you are living in a sexless marriage you shouldn't be trying to cope with it, you should be looking for ways to cure it. Nearly one in five couple are living in a sexless relationship, this means that when you go to the store, bar or restaurant that if there are ten couples in any place the likelihood is that two of those couples have this problem.
Society puts a lot of pressure on couples; they not only need to work harder to afford the nicer things in life but they also need to earn more money due to inflation, increasing house prices, the credit crunch and the cost of raising children so it's not surprising that we can't function normally all of the time.
If you've tried to analyze this situation, chances are that you've got around to playing the blame game. Many people try to work out the problem without the right information, they feel that because it's them that want sex and their partner who doesn't then it must be the partners fault. Putting the blame on your spouse can be the end of your marriage, what if the real reason is down to you but the symptoms have come out in your partner?
Instead of wondering how to cope with a sexless marriage you should put your efforts into fixing it, coping with it means that you have given up.
In this day and age men and women both work to support a household, sometimes the woman can earn more than her husband which makes him feel inferior. Some women stay at home to look after the kids and end up feeling unappreciated which can cause them to feel depressed, these are just two potential causes for sexless marriages, there are hundreds more.
I am not going to list hundreds of causes of a sexless marriage because each marriage is different, each couple is different and unless you know exactly what caused this problem for you! It will take you a very long time to fix the marriage.
Don't give up too easily; so many people with this problem seem to think that the easiest way to deal with this is just to get a divorce, what happens after that? If you love your spouse then you need to stay together and work through this problem.
By reading this far you've taken the first steps to fixing your sexless marriage, as I said earlier it's not about how to cope with a sexless marriage, it's about working together to repair the damage and strengthen your relationship.
Labels: How to Cope With a Sexless Marriage - Living in a Sexless Marriage
Is Your Marriage Becoming Sexless - Is it Time to Walk Away?
By Kelly Rafferty
If your marriage is becoming sexless you may think that it's time to walk away, but have you really tried to find a solution or are you just looking for an excuse to end the marriage? Married couples go through problems every day but they don't lead to divorce, if the lack of sex is making you think about divorcing your partner ask yourself a question "how shallow are you?" if your whole reason for marriage was for sex instead of love then maybe you should get out, couples who marry for love will stand and fight, no matter what the problem is.
The divorce rate for couples in a sexless marriage has doubled in the last 10 years, this is completely down to the lack of help available, I mean help which doesn't cost thousands and thousands of dollars with a therapist. That help is now available, if you truly love your partner you will make use of any help you can find.
The reasons behind a sexless marriage don't have to be huge; they really can be as simple as not making time available for cuddling, holding hands or talking. A lot of the problems are due to commitments to work or family, these can't be ignored but they can be rearranged to give you both time together.
Many people seem to think that a sexless marriage is all about a decreased or non existent sex drive, this isn't normally the case. The people in these relationships still have a sex drive but they just have reasons for not using it.
Many people who are faced with a sexless relationship choose to sit back and switch off from the marriage completely, others choose to have an affair, having an affair will make your partner worse and also end your marriage. You have taken steps to seek help so it's down to you to re-introduce sex into the relationship once you have found and fixed the problems which started all of this.
Sex isn't just about the act of penetration it's about the intimate connection between you both, the better the sex is, the better mood you're both in. when sex is taken away or very limited you should really see a problem which needs addressing.
If you can see your marriage becoming sexless, you need to do something to fix it, there's no use putting the blame on your partner or beating yourself up about it, you just need to resolve the problem and get back on with your lives.
You have recognized that there is a problem so you're well on the way to dong something about it.
Labels: Is Your Marriage Becoming Sexless - Is it Time to Walk Away?
Being Merry in Marriage
By: Rene Graeber
Many couples enter marriage with fairytale hopes "and they live happily ever after" fantasy. But in reality, it takes so much more than a stylish wedding dress and an expensive wedding ring to end up "happily ever after".
Staying fulfilled in a marriage requires both effort and passion pf each partner. Many couples start to lose passion after their honeymoon, and this should not be the case. Here is some advice on how to stay happy in the sacred union of souls.
1) Don't rely on assumptions and expectations
There is nothing wrong with making assumptions and expectations, however, bear in mind that many times, assumptions stay as assumptions and expectations are hard to meet. Remember that marriage is the acceptance of a person for who he/she is. Marriages are decayed by hurt brought about by lofty expectations. There's nothing wrong with cutting each other some slack whenever expectations are not met.
2) Express yourself
There's nothing wrong in saying "I love you." People go about their daily lives without noticing how seldom they say "I love you" to the persons they love. When people are young, they wait for a long time to say these three words to someone. Do not hesitate to use the three little words "I love you!".
Asking for forgiveness is one of the most difficult things to do. Saying "I'm sorry" is often as seldom said as "I love you." Saying sorry relieves tension for both parties and keeps the communication line open and unclouded by resentment or hatred.
Giving a compliment to your partner every day would brighten your relationship and give it an overall positive feeling. A simple "you look wonderful, honey" would really mean a lot.
4) Keep the fire burning
No one will argue that an active sex life will help keep a happy marriage. When couples openly talk about preferences and dislikes, it helps them bond in making love. Being a little playful and creative in love making may also make a difference.
5) Don't forget yourself
A person cannot love another if he/she cannot love himself/herself. Self-pampering and spending time alone once in a while is a healthy practice inside a relationship. Having time for oneself gives a person a chance to reflect and think of ways to be better inside the relationship.
Being happy in marriage takes effort from the couple but it should not be stripped of its fun. As the song goes, "and in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make." Be merry in marriage!
Article Source: http://marriagearticles.net
Labels: humor in marriage
Where has all the sex gone? Sexual intimacy after your baby
By: Rich Nicastro, Ph.D.
The combination of children and marital intimacy is like a snapping turtle in a bubble bath: sure, you can still take a bath, but you can bet your tender parts it’ll be a challenge.
One of the problems, ironically, is that you were so intimate before you had a baby! You lapsed into sexual intimacy almost without effort, without planning or discussion. (That’s one of the reasons why you’re in this situation, right?) While you were expecting your miraculous bundle of joy, you may have read parenting how-to books and heard the dark whisperings of rumor that foreshadowed a giant weed-whacker to your lush intimacy landscape. But you didn’t put too much stock in that. After all, you and your husband/wife/partner/beloved are different. You value your intimate encounters, and therefore you’ll be able to stoke passion’s flames through any transition.
I won’t say I told you so, since we’re all adults here…
Okay, since your family joyously expanded, you find that you and your spouse are hardly connecting in that special, .special way. First of all, remember that you are not alone. This is the most commonly reported change that couples face when becoming parents. And then look at the reasons why your sexual life has changed so radically:
~~You are exhausted.
News flash: raising children is exhausting. To be sure, it has its indescribably exhilarating moments, but it’s hard work and is physically and emotionally trying. It’s hard to remember you even have intimate needs when you’re falling into bed—corpse-like—at the end of each day. You’ve forgotten you ever used the bed for anything but sleep, precious sleep.
~~You and your partner have suddenly taken on new roles.
You are no longer just here for each other, but you now have this life between you, new life that it’s your job to protect and nurture. Of course your children can only ever know you as parents, but you and partner existed in entirely different roles before the kids burst onto the scene. You were the undisputed center of your husband’s universe, and your planet orbited around his sun. And no matter how much you attempt to psychologically prepare for the major, sudden shift from lover to parent, you can’t fully understand all the implications and nuances until you’re living it.
Also, many men report feeling a great deal of jealousy when their children are infants. He once had you all to himself, and though he knew he’d have to share your attention when Junior came along, he couldn’t have known you’d be spending almost all your time and energy with the baby.
~~Your child needs you more than your spouse needs you.
If we look back on our old friend evolution (which is ever-so-handy in explaining human behavior), getting intimate was just what you needed to ensure the growth of your family and the survival of the species. But now that intimacy has served its function and brought a new life into the world, your attention needs to be turned to the little one. Nobody is doing cartwheels over the prospect of a fizzling libido, but let’s face it: it kind of makes sense that your sexual drive would wane when you’re needed elsewhere. You have a baby that desperately needs you. Which means your needs (and those of your partner) will have to take a backseat, at least for a while.
~~Time is a precious commodity.
A busy Saturday used to be one where you committed yourself to a manicure, haircut, and somebody’s bridal shower. Now you’re lucky if you can brush your teeth before noon. So when there is a rare pocket of time that you can use as you’d like, one of you might be in the mood while the other longs to do something ordinary and unromantic, like take a shower all the way through, without interruption.
The sea of spontaneity you frolicked in when you were just a couple has nearly dried up. Spontaneity and intimacy are good friends, and spontaneity thrives in the freedom of unstructured time. In this new world you’ve entered with naptimes and bedtimes and bathtimes and bottle times (even times for burping!), there isn’t much room for the luxury of spontaneity, and that can cause intimacy to flounder.
What to do about it?
1) Accept it. Acknowledge it.
This isn’t just a problem you are facing, but one that every couple that has children faces. This is normal. You are normal. It doesn’t mean you can’t be intimate with your mate. It just means that it’s going to be a challenge for a while, and it will necessarily take a different shape for a while.
2) Introduce intimacy to routine and structure and planning.
True, intimacy’s pretty tight with spontaneity, but she can make new friends. They can grow to like each other (or at least tolerate each other) if you keep insisting and pushing them together, arranging play dates for them. Trust me on this. It may not sound sexy to say to your husband/wife: “After Wesley’s bathed and down for the night, meet me back here. Let’s skip the 10 o’clock news and play strip poker. Without the poker.”
And if—through supportive friends or family—you get the chance to have a night out without the baby, TAKE IT. Learn to nurture even the tiniest sparks of intimacy in the moments you find or work to create.
3) Enjoy the baby!
It may not feel like it at this moment (especially if you’re in one of the T-stages—teething, two’s, teens), but your darling’s childhood really does go by so fast. There may be lots of things you’ll end up regretting when you’re looking back on your life unfurled, but trust me: you won’t ever regret the time you made to spend with your child, the awesome, staggering, joyous gift and responsibility of a child. So accept the fact that sexual intimacy with your mate will occupy less of your attention than it previously had, at least while the children are young.
4) Settle for less and you’ll get more.
Take what you can get during this hectic and invariably important stage of your (and your baby’s) life. If you and your spouse only have the time and energy for heavy petting and pillow talk, enjoy that and really be present and available for that.
When you’re not with your husband, send him a sexy, teasing e-mail (if he’s allowed to get personal e-mails at work, of course…). Leave your wife an erotic phone message. Put a tempting note in a surprising place: in his shoe or in her sandwich. Since you don’t know when the mood will strike, prepare for the mood in these little, but hugely helpful and exciting ways.
5) Forget what came before and find the joy in this new life.
Dwelling on the past (whether it was glorious or miserable) has never done anyone any good. Quite the contrary, it can only put the brakes on a rich, rewarding present, because it sticks you in the past and on replaying events you either want to replicate or avoid. Forget about how much great sex you and your partner had before the baby. Commit to learning how to be intimate now, whatever shape it needs to take to accommodate your family’s legitimate demands.
Set realistic goals and celebrate meeting them. And, before you know it, the baby will be old enough to sleep through the night, and someday sleep over a school friend’s house, and even long after that can go away to overnight camp….and maybe you’ll decide to do it all again, with the next baby that needs you like crazy, and that you wouldn’t trade for all the uninterrupted, candle-lit, sultry evenings in the world.
Article Source: http://marriagearticles.net
Labels: Where has all the sex gone? Sexual intimacy after your baby
Is Your Marriage in Danger?
By: Max Vogt
Many couples need guidance in identifying the specific problems they can tackle in improving their marriages or relationships.
You might feel that "something is wrong" or something hurts or doesn't feel right, but you can't exactly put your finger on it.
It can frequently be helpful to have something like a "danger signs" chart (like used in helping people diagnose cancer or other disorders). This kind of "chart" can help you pinpoint areas of pain or discomfort... and thus help know where to put your focus.
Also, you might wonder whether you should just "ignore it and it will go away..." and could use some help in identifying areas or "danger signs" that are really significant (and shouldn't just "be ignored").
These are not minor complaints! Any single one of them could end up being the source of profound discomfort, even leading to thoughts of divorce!
It's absolutely essential that you pay attention now and not later to these "danger signs." One of the biggest challenges (and most painful and sad experiences) I have had over my many years as a couples therapist is seeing good and wonderful people coming to therapy almost "too late," when they should have shown up years earlier.
Sometimes it literally is too late! Don't let this happen to you. Review this list and see how many you discover apply to you in your marriage. You might be surprised.
Use this Checklist to Find Out (I actually listed 12)
1. Even if you have "only" 3 of these areas, Your marriage definitely is in deep water and you are in serious trouble, headed for disaster, if you don't change things NOW)
2. You actually have started to dread coming home to your partner
3. You cringe when they talk to you because you predict it's always going to turn out painfully
4. There are so few things you can happily talk about by now that they could all fit in a thimble
5. The things you used to find appealing or charming about your spouse you now find irritating or even worse (even disgusting)
6. The things you used to do together that you thought were fun you either don't even do anymore or they really aren't fun anymore -- maybe it even hurts to do those things again
7. You feel your spouse doesn't even really like you anymore, or maybe even hates you
8. You are tempted to cheat, divorce, lie or misbehave in ways that you don't feel proud of and you just feel devastated it's come to this
9. You look at your spouse almost as an opponent or even an enemy when it comes to parenting, sex, finances or other important decisions.
10. You criticize or even humiliate your spouse (or they do to you) in public, with friends or at parties or get-togethers.
11. You develop a cynical, pessimistic attitude about whether anyone has a great marriage or if there is even such a thing or if other people have them; and look around you and see bad marriages (you have a filter against seeing the great ones)
12. You just have an empty dark, hollow feeling inside, not anything in particular, that your marriage is not what you expected in life; you are deep down, disappointed in marriage
What you hoped for, prayed for and dreamed about being married and being with your soulmate seems to have completely died.
How Many Of These Danger Signs Did You Check Off? 3 or more?
If you have discovered you can identify at least three of these "danger signs," your marriage either is or soon will be in serious trouble!
How do I know that? Because these are the things that people try to "blow off" and manage without addressing them... and that end up creating far more serious problems because of their cumulative power.
Remember, a whole mountain is eroded over time by wind and a trickle of water. Deep canyons are formed over the years by a continuous erosion. Your marriage has the same possibility of erosion if you don't address the core issues.
If So, I highly recommend that you get to work on your marriage!
Labels: Is Your Marriage in Danger?
Marriage Facts
Pre-Wedding Tips
Is Premarital Counseling or Education for You?
Deciding to get or stay engaged?
Premarital / Relationship Inventories
Bonding & Marriage Success
Guide to Guys
Cohabitation
Cold Feet
Your Mother and You
Interfaith, Intercultural and Interracial Marriage
Balancing Togetherness & Individuality
What's In a Name - Changing Yours?
Pre-Wedding Stress Management
Pre-Wedding Time Management
Pre-Marriage Couples Counseling
Marriage Facts
Radio program on marriage success research that couples should hear!
Seven Keys to Success
Stages of Marriage
Five-to-One Ratio
What are the most important factors in marriage success?
Differences, incompatibilities and marriage success
Who’s in control in your relationship?
Communication & conflict resolution
Becoming Parents
Financial issues
Balancing Family and Work
Stepfamilies
Remarriage
Married sexuality
Marriage-Related Books We Like
Search stayhitched.com for a topic
Differences, incompatibilities and marriage success
True or false? Partners with fewer areas of difference and incompatibility have more successful relationships. Most people would answer true, but this is at least a partial misconception. All couples have areas of difference and incompatibility, to greater and lesser degrees. It's been said that when couples with "irreconcilable differences" part ways, they are just trading in one set of five to seven differences for a different set of similar magnitude with their next partner.
Everyone knows that opposites attract. Differences can be very interesting and stimulating in your partner. We often seek partners who can complement our style with some of their strengths. The socially active partner brings something valuable to a relationship with the partner whose interests are more domestic, and vice versa. The bluegrass music fan who hooks up with the opera buff is headed for some disagreements over listening selections, but both may be stimulated by the opportunity to expand their music appreciation.
Differences aren't so conflictual in the early stages of relationships, so couples don't pay that much attention to them. Couples focus on similarities, as they are absorbed in getting to know each other. They may be very excited and enthralled by some of their differences, as well as their commonalities. As relationships progress, similarities become more familiar and less novel. When the couple moves into practical relationship tasks like advancing their careers, starting and raising a family, and managing finances, differences become more apparent and prominent. Sex, finances, and chores are the most common focal areas of conflict, although more important differences often lie elsewhere.
Couples with more differences have different styles of marriage than couples that are more similar in outlook. But they can be just as happy or even happier. Couples who have a successful 'volatile' relationship style can tolerate more areas of difference. Their conflicts just seem to offer more opportunity to kiss and make up. At the other end of the spectrum are successful 'avoidant' couples. (It's not as bad as it sounds.) They know what areas of steer clear of with their partner and accept this arrangement. But avoidance only works well when differences aren't too critical and there are large areas of common ground.
What's important is not so much the degree or type of difference. It's how couples manage their areas of difference and incompatibility, and whether their relationship style is appropriate for the degree and type of differences and similarities that they have. It's especially important that they take advantage of their areas of similarity to maintain a positive emotional tone. Couples must avoid becoming stuck in trying to convert their partner to adopt their viewpoint.
If couples allow differences to disrupt the sense of mutuality in a relationship or lead to disinvestments or lives that are too separate, that's big trouble. When couples split up, they often attribute it to overwhelming incompatibility. But they become overwhelmed by their differences, not just because they have them, but because they never learned to manage them constructively.
Many couples are blindsided by their differences as their relationship advances beyond the more exclusively romantic early stages, because they never systematically explored their expectations and differences and adopted strategies to accommodate them. Couples who understand, prepare and plan for their areas of incompatibility are less disconcerted and generally fare better. They have more realistic expectations and know what they are signing on for.
In the long run, the challenge of difference will be an impetus to growth in both partners. Learning to support and validate yourself independently will help you to manage more successfully to your relationship's areas of difference and incompatibility, especially when these lead to conflict. Of course, we all rely on our partner for emotional support. It's one of the best things about being in a relationship. But one of the times when we need support the most is when we are in conflict with our partner. And that's just when you can't get support from them.
This can magnify the distress: Not only are you in a stressful conflict, but you are also deprived of one of your principal sources of support. No wonder you can feel so disappointed and angry when these conflicts arise. This deprivation is typically more acute for men, since they often rely more exclusively on their partner for their emotional support system. Women's support systems tend to be more diverse. If couples know about this dynamic and expect it, they will be better equipped to turn it into an opportunity for growth.
Partners who are less well prepared to support themselves may turn the conflict into a fight or may give in to avoid one. It's very important to the success of a marriage relationship that partners learn to adequately support and validate themselves, so they can deal productively with conflict with their partner without putting aside their own vital needs and interests. We all need a sense of security and a mature perspective to understand ourselves well enough to know when to compromise with our partner and when we have to stand our ground. Personal strength and a strong, non-defensive sense of identity help us tolerate our anxiety while our partner goes through this same process.
The demands of a long-term, committed marriage relationship guide us toward developing these qualities. Few people bring this personal strength to their new marriage fully formed, and it doesn't happen overnight. This is one of the reasons why many marriages go through a rough patch early on while the partners are growing and developing their self-support and self-validation.
Marriage Success Training helps couples to understand their areas of similarity and difference, which are to be expected in every relationship. More important MST teaches strategy and skill options for managing these in accord with different relationship styles and helps couples to protect the mutuality and positive emotional tone of their relationship. MST guides couples in building a marriage that supports and thrives on their individual strengths and identities
Labels: marriage differences
The Marriage (Partner) Relationship
The Marriage (Partner) Relationship
Robert Heard, MA
Perhaps one of the most complex challenges for mankind is the interpersonal relationship. As we move through our lives, especially adult lives, we encounter many different kinds of relationships. Here, at ACT Professional Counseling, also known as ACT Professional Marriage Counseling, we see marriage (partner) relationships as being vital and work hard to see them succeed. As we see break up rates and divorce rates soar, we need to understand the various components of a successful relationship in order for this not to happen to our relationships. This is ACT Professional Counseling’s recipe for a successful marriage (partner) relationship.
As we view marriage (partner) relationships using the using the analogy of a pyramid, we have several important building blocks. These start at the bottom of the pyramid.
Communication - especially active and effective listening
committment
Friendship
Having things in common
Having a healthy self-esteem
Trust in each other
Respect for each other
Intimacy
Love and Sex
What happens if one of the blocks is pulled out from the bottom of the pyramid? Of course, it falls down and needs to be rebuilt. We need to examine each of the blocks to determine their workability and to clearly understand their definition, such as, most consider intimacy to have a sexual connotation. However, intimacy is having the ability with your partner to exchange emotions and understand one another and to feel comfortable discussing personal and private events with your partner.
When all of these blocks are in line, we feel love and most likely experience sex in a very positive way. Also, communication is critical in a relationship. For example, the sexual component may not be working as well as you would wish and it is important to feel at ease in discussing this with your partner. How can both of you resolve the issue at hand unless you are able to communicate with each other. In conclusion, the final and certainly the most rewarding and vital ingredient in a relationship, is love. If you have experienced love from another person and have loved someone else, it is magical and words can never describe the overwhelming feelings and ecstasy that extends to our very soul.
Labels: marriage components
What is a healthy marriage??
What is a Healthy Marriage? Association for Marriage Enrichment was approached recently by a magazine which specialises in issues round health and beauty. This was their question. Readers wanted to know when it was time to give up and get out. The underlying assumption was that there were ‘good marriages’ and ‘bad marriages’. Recognise the difference and take appropriate action. This question was being asked after about three years of life together. In fact, all marriages face similar problems and obstacles. So the difference is not whether we have difficulties in our relationship because we all do but whether we have the skills to cope with them. These skills do not automatically arrive just because we decide to live with some one.
The good news is that skills can be acquired and improved continuously through our lives. How? - First, recognise that they are needed and then use the resources that you have already and don’t ignore what marriage education and/or counselling might offer to help you. Many couples ignore the signs of strain and hope all will be well.
Here are some straight-forward facts that have emerged from studying couple behaviour.
Difficulties with sex, money, children and in-laws are not main reasons for marriage difficulties.
Compatibility is a myth - there is no one right person waiting to be found. Marriage is a lifelong process of adjusting to each other.
We can change our behaviour if we wish. It is not necessary to ‘put up’ with each other.
Growth in marriage is enlightened behaviour change.
Misunderstandings can be faced and eradicated.
Self-disclosure, not common interests, is the basis for all deep friendships. Keeping our feelings to ourselves is not good for the relationship.
Dealing effectively with anger is the key to making marriage work. Good communication skills without the ability to deal with anger, leads to withdrawal from sharing feelings.
Conflict in marriage isn’t bad or awful. Grit in the shell of an oyster can produce a pearl.
Affirmation of each other helps keep our marriage alive. Saying ‘You know I do’ is not the same as showing and expressing love spontaneously. Many of us forget that as our lives become crowded with other demands.
Couples need other Couples. This is an unusual idea for many but many people who work in this field will attest to the fact that couples grow much better together than alone. Sharing with others working at committed relationships, is supportive, opens up taboo areas and underlines the fact that difficulties are part of the normal patterns of life.
Labels: healthy marriage
Having a Healthy Marriage
By stacey chillemi, published Dec 07, 2005
Having a healthy marriage after the honeymoon takes time, commitment respect and continuous effort. To have a healthy marriage you just know how to keep your marriage in good health. One of the main secrets to having a happy marriage is to remember why the two of you fell in love in the first place.
Remembering the good qualities in each other will always give you a reason to keep going, respecting and loving one another. You should collect and cherish the memories you have experienced always continue to collect more. Your life together is supposed to be a wonderful loving and exciting journey, so make an effort to keep it that way.
Sure, things will not always be perfect as they are in fairytales, but being married is not about being perfect. When the two of you agreed to marry each other, you agreed to love, cherish, respect, listen, support and to have your spats. Disagreeing is part of being partners because although you decided to commit, you are still individuals with your own thoughts, beliefs and ideas. Though you may disagree, it is important that you respect each other’s individuality and continue learning who your partner is. If you keep your communication clear, accept, support and agree to disagree, your relationship will live to be happily ever after.
Of course, honesty is always a big key to maintaining happiness in any marriage. If you cannot be honest about what you are thinking, feeling or doing, the marriage can never be 100% honest because you would not be expressing your full self. Being honest can be scary sometimes, but as long as you know how to present your honesty, things will most likely always turn out okay. Just make sure your timing is appropriate and that you thought out what you will say before you say. Choosing your words is important in order to prevent misunderstandings and unnecessary fights and arguments.
Labels: healthy marriage
How to Save a Marriage That is Struggling and Make a Good Marriage Even Stronger
By C. Pemo
Men say that they are rational and that women are emotional. Women, however, believe that men are half-deaf and that they are the rational ones. This is one of the reasons that some marriages seem to self-destruct. Men and women simply have different ways of communicating! Ladies, if you'd like to save your marriage, follow these simple steps and you can save a marriage that is struggling or make a good marriage even stronger.
1) Change the Way You Talk
Men speak differently than women do, which means that they hear things differently as well. My friend Jenny once said to her husband that she missed having another couple to spend time with and he thought that she meant she was bored with being with him. It may be totally irrational to ladies, but it makes sense to men.
While a man's ego is in his pants, his insecurities are in his ears, and he can hear things that you never say or mean. Make sure that he understands what you are saying, and if he misunderstands, change the way you're saying it so that he gets it correctly.
2) Talk to His Buddies
If your relationship is rocky, talk with his buddies. While a woman's best friends may have a hard time telling their friend's husband about his wife's problem, a man's best friend usually doesn't.
Talk with them and try to figure out what his real take is on the relationship. Chances are you will hear that your husband has been saying glowing things about you, as men can more easily talk to their friends than they can to their wives.
3) Be "Wifely"
In this modern day and age women often expect men to do at least half of the housework. The problem comes when a woman takes her husband for granted and allows him to do almost everything around the house.
No matter how busy you are, or how frustrated or tired you are, take a few minutes out to be "wifely". If he's lounging on a chair, ask him if he'd like a drink. If he takes a lunch to work and usually makes his own, make one for him every once in awhile. It may seem like a small thing, but trust me, it will be greatly appreciated.
4) Show Him Your Desires
A man likes nothing better than to know that his wife desires him. Show him how much you desire him. Take him dancing and dance close with him like you used to do. Take a shower together and bump up against him.
Men, like women, like to feel desired, so make sure that your man knows how much you desire him.
5) The Way to His Heart
What is the way to your man's heart? Is it through sports, or is it through food? Rediscover the way to your man's heart and join him on his quest to enjoy it. If he loves sports, try to get involved. If he enjoys food, learn how to cook some gourmet food together.
If he is into reading, read the same book and discuss it between the two of you. Most men enjoy having their wives with them, so find ways to be together.
6) Sex Isn't Everything
Here's where we go against everything that most women learn at an early age. Yes, most men do enjoy sex, however, they often enjoy it much more when it's withheld for awhile. Instead of jumping right into bed, especially if you're fighting, abstain for a bit.
Take time instead to touch, cuddle, and talk to one another. It may frustrate your man in the beginning, but sooner than later he'll realize what you're doing and why and will come to appreciate you more. Men like to be held too, so curl up against his back at night and hold him.
7) Tell Him Everything
As I've said before, men often hear things that their wife never said. Their imagination tends to go wild and they start thinking that their wife no longer loves them or finds them attractive.
This is because men are a lot more fragile than they'd ever have you believe. Instead of hiding things from him "just to make it easier", tell him everything. Don't hide anything from him. If you're thinking about going shopping with another couple, tell him.
If you want to purchase a new dress, talk about it. The more you inject him into your life, the more he'll be able to relax about the relationship.
Men are just as difficult to understand as women. Unlike women, they hide their feelings because they believe it to be the "manly" thing to do. If you want to save your marriage, don't let him hide. Give him all of yourself and make him give all of himself so that your marriage can survive.
Labels: marriage conflict
Marriage is Not a Competitive Sport
By John Tebar
I will go over each one of these elements as to there importance.
Love, this is something one gives unconditionally. These days love has been perverted to mean as long as you fulfill my requirements. If that is the case then, you are not in love. Actual real love is a complete surrender that demonstrates your devotion. If one of the partners loses their job, gets ill or becomes overweight then all bets are off. That is not a true test of love nor is it unconditional.
Some people are not ready for such a commitment. I know, as I was one of them. Sometimes we confuse lust for love. You must separate that notion of having any superficial conditions for your relationship. If you cannot commit 100% to your spouse then you are simply not ready. Move on until you find yourself ready for that commitment.
One of the major pitfalls is moving in together before you are actually married. The problem with this is that human beings are not cars; this is like kicking the tires and checking under the hood to see if this will work out. This is not a real commitment this is just testing the waters.
If you want to test the water, then go to each other homes and check out how they live, where they live, the upkeep of the home and its condition. Get to know the family members and know a little bit more of the family history. Look at the books in their library or do they have one. Where do they work and how long have they worked there. That will disclose a lot about a person and their character.
Trust is a major component of a relationship. Trust is rooted with honesty and transparency. The ability to confide in another without apprehension that they will disseminate or violate your confidence is very important. If you love them but cannot trust them or feel that, they are cheating or not telling all, the relationship will not last. You have to have the ability to trust, without that; you are going to walk on eggshells and become secretive on different issues.
Trust does not mean that one is in agreement with the others actions. Trust is knowing that they will listen and acknowledge that which is given in confidence. It is also the additional belief that the other person is devoted to you and not easily led or strayed away in behavior. It deals with honesty, straight talk without excuses or fabrications.
You can test this easily by asking question related to their everyday lives. Ask about what their feelings are regarding spirituality, politics or their routine each day and why they do the things that they do.
Finance is a big factor for marriage. You want to ensure that one or both spouses are financially responsible or that they are in control of their finances. Mistakes of the past can bite you, but if there current practice has corrected those errors then that reflects fiscal responsibility and progress in the handling of money.
Ideally, you want to make sure that both spouses agree of how they want to "handle" the finances of the relationship. You want to have agreement on the cash management "methods" that are sound and will help in the future financial growth of the relationship itself.
Marriage is not a competitive sport. One should not try to be better than the other, but acts in the best interest of the relationship itself. It does not matter who makes the most money, at the end of one's life, you will not take anything with you. What is important is what you leave behind and to whom.
The roles that one will assign to each other are also important. Traditionally, the man is the head of the household. This can be that there is equality in the running of the household. Agreements, such as who will cook, who handles the money, are necessary to define. Roles well defined and agreed upon sets up the parameters to place order and motion within the relationship.
If you decide, that one spouse will cook and the other will do the dishes that places an order to the day. One can vary the roles such as if one spouse comes home before the other than that person does the cooking. You can agree to do dishes together. You may feel this is micromanaging too much, but little things that go uncorrected can bring about resentment.
Little things make up for most of the friction in relationships. That is why agreements before you go full tilt on a marriage is important. From the time, you get up, arriving or leaving the house, calling if one will be late or delayed for dinner or an event are the things that add up.
The joint relationship and personal goals should be defined and set. Maybe one has some educational goals that they want to achieve. The support of the other spouse is necessary to help the other to achieve those goals or benchmarks. Goals such as for retirement or investments should be brought out and establishment with the parameters necessary to achieve them, it would be well to define them.
Spirituality is another major deal breaker. Is one-spouse religious practices in conflict with the other? If so, then this may cause a major problem with the relationship. Know before you go. I recall a survey that was done once, whereby religious beliefs was a major factor of conflict within a marriage.
Without the examination of all these elements, one will have competition as to who does the most or makes the most money. With no parameters establish, the relationship can be tilted as one spouse is doing more than the other. That cannot hold for very long. When agreements are defined well in advance then any situation and circumstances can be properly reconciled.
To keep a marriage from becoming one of winners and losers, agreements must be made in advance. This would even include arbitration on unresolved issues. You want to create a relationship based on unconditional love, trust, peace and harmony that should be the overall goal for the relationship itself.
Labels: marriage conflict
Simple Steps Can Create A Solid Marriage
By: Jm Jackson
Issues that arise in marriages can be very complicated. Few issues are simple.
There are, however some very simple ways to keep your relationship positive and help you work your way through a lot of difficult situations.
Use these 7 tips to help you continue to nurture a positive relationship.
1. If you want your marriage healthy and positive, you have to really want to keep it that way. You have to decide that the marriage is important in your life and give it the time and attention it needs. Ask yourself daily, "Am I spending enough time and energy on the relationship?"
2. Focus on what you like and love about your spouse. Forget the negatives. We truly do get more of what we focus on. If you are having problems, begin focusing on the positive in your relationship and not the negative.
Most importantly, stop when you start to criticize your spouse. Turn your thinking to what you like about them and begin to see how your marriage gets better.
3. Kindness matters in marriages. Be kind. Very often, people in relationships treat the people closest to them worse than they treat acquaintances or even total strangers.
Go the extra step first. This week, do something kind for your spouse that you wouldn't normally do and without expectation of anything in return.
4. Show appreciation for your spouse. Make a habit of expressing appreciation. If you do, you'll find your marriage to be filled with much more happiness and joy. It might be something as simple as "I like your smile" or "Thank you for cooking dinner last night."
5. Ask for what you want. Most people expect the people who are in relationship with them to be mind readers. If you're expecting others to be psychics, you're in for a painful ride if you're in relationship with them. If you want your needs to be met, you have to tell people what these needs are.
6. Listen without judging or getting defensive. Be open to the possibility that someone else's opinion or way of doing things may be just as valid or important as yours.
Just because their way is different, doesn't make them or you wrong. If you're constantly judging, being defensive and building walls, you're not open to possibilities and to the love that is possible between two people.
7. Be willing to risk opening your heart and letting your spouse in. We can be in a relationship for many years and still not allow another person to penetrate our walls of protection. If you want to have a marriage that is alive and growing, being willing to risk is a prerequisite.
While these steps will not solve every issue they do lay the groundwork for a strong and healthy relationship.
Labels: successful marriages
The Good Marriage Can last a Lifetime
Dr. Neill Neill
The idea of the good marriage is built into our psyches. We want it; we seek it; we enjoy life more and live longer when we are in a good marriage. We are hard-wired to seek communion with another human being.
Conversely, if you have ever been in a marriage that wasn’t working, you felt you were in the loneliest place on earth.
The young man the movie, "Into the Wild," sought happiness by venturing alone into the Alaskan wilderness. In the end he wrote, "Happiness isn’t real unless it’s shared." Perhaps he was right.
A good marriage is fulfilling for both parties on all levels: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. And it lasts through all the personal growth and change that each will go through in life…
Marriage as a Sacred Container
Think of marriage as a sacred container, with the container being made up of agreed-upon characteristics or closely followed rules:
Love. You view each other with open hearts.
Fidelity. You are physically and emotionally faithful to each other.
Respect. You see each other as unique individuals.
Trust. Trust is a work in progress, so the commitment is to continue to grow in self trust, trust in the universe and trust in each other.
Acceptance. You accept each other as you are and as you evolve and change throughout life.
Commitment. You agree to be together for the long haul so you can invest fully in your relationship.
Care. You are protective of each other’s well being.
Open communication. Communication takes place at the physical, emotional and spiritual levels. You never stop listening to understand and talking to connect.
Honesty. Half truths and lies break trust.
Support. You support each other in times of need and growth.
Don’t Mess with the Container
These are the basics of the marriage container. The marriage container brings the important element of predictability to the marriage, an essential if it is to last.
I call marriage a sacred container because the elements are inviolable—you don’t touch them.
On a more spiritual level the experience of developing a deep connection with your partner may be primary in you learning to be aware of your energetic/spiritual connection to others. And awareness of your spiritual connection to others is a gateway to conscious connection to God and the universe.
If you have a propensity to drama and adventure, "predictability" and "rules" may sound alarm bells about boredom. And you would be right; the marriage container is indeed boring. But wait…
Within that sacred container we call marriage, you can do almost anything. You can raise children, go back to school, paddle the Amazon, pursue artistic interests, write a book, build a business empire, race motorcycles, run for public office, meditate, walk the North Coast Trail, go bankrupt, sit with a dying loved one, volunteer, travel or read.
When you look back on your life you will find that many of the constraints on your adventures were self imposed or imaginary. It wasn’t your marriage that stopped you.
Any kind of drama or adventure is possible within the container, except to say, "Never mess with the container." If you protect the container, your marriage can last a lifetime.
Accidental or indirect container damage, however, can and does occur. For example, if one of you develops an alcohol addiction, denial, half truths and outright lies inevitably creep in. Hiding the truth damages crucial parts of the container, honesty and trust. Without repair to the container, that is, without addressing the addiction, the marriage slips from connection to alienation. Sometimes the deterioration is fast; sometimes it’s painfully slow.
Accidents do happen, but without corrective action the accidents become, not accidents, but direct assaults on the marriage just as surely as infidelity.
Get Dr. Neill’s free "Personal Change Manifesto" and help yourself to a better life. Psychologist Dr. Neill Neill maintains an active psychology and life-coaching practice on Vancouver Island, BC, Canada, and is on the treatment team at Sunshine Coast Health Centre, an addiction rehab center for men. Author of Living with a Functioning Alcoholic - A Woman’s Survival Guide.
Labels: marriage success
Healthy Marriage: Four More Things You Can Do To Renew and Maintain a Healthy Marriage
Dr. Neill Neill
You are invited to take some time to reflect further on love and marriage, particularly on keeping, restoring and renewing love… Recall that my last article was "Healthy Marriage: Some Advice about the Five Conditions of a Lasting Healthy Marriage."
The five conditions were
Look after yourself first…do not merge your identities…enjoy the show…never stop doing things together for fun and laughter…if you want more excitement, take up skiing…
Can you think of four more renewal factors for a strong marriage?
Human beings are hard-wired to live in relationships. Most spend the biggest part of their lives in some form of family. You are probably in a relationship right now.
The quality of your primary relationship is central to a fulfilling life. The heights of joy and the depths of despair you experience in life are usually experienced in relationships. Your relationship matters!
The principle is the same whether your primary adult relationship is man-woman, same sex, married or unmarried.
Keep on talking. Keep on listening.
The first is communication. When you first meet someone, you talk (communication), you get to know each other (knowledge), you find you like each other (affection), and you both want to talk more. This age-old process leads to a deep connection between you. I call the process "the upward spiral of communion." You are connecting at the heart, mind and spirit level.
Since the only part of the process you have any choice about is communication, before anything else you must keep talking and listening. If your communication has been interrupted by babies, work, illness or anything else, redouble your efforts talk and listen. Without communication, communion with your partner is impossible.
Never a score-keeper be.
Secondly, rid your relationship of any hints of accounting or keeping score. There will of course be division of labour just to manage your lives together. When division of labour turns to "I did this so you owe me that," it can become a relationship killer. It can be just as damaging if the accounting is self-imposed, such as "He did that for me so I owe him this.”
If score keeping has crept in, talk about it and get rid of it. Do what you do out of self care, care for the other and care for your relationship. You can’t build communion on debt.
Look in the mirror.
The third involves self reflection. If you see something in your partner that you don’t like, take a look in the mirror. The emotion you put on some part of them, that is, your not liking something about them, is almost always in part a reflection of something you don’t want to see in yourself.
Your partner just is. The emotion is yours. Reflecting on yourself every time you are annoyed with your partner is a great opportunity for self growth.
Be kind…and expect nothing in return.
Finally, random acts of kindness are healthy and appreciated, so long as no one is keeping score.
A great relationship is in a continuous state of renewal.
Have you talked with your partner today, done something kind for them without expectation and learned something about yourself in the process? You know what to do.
Labels: happy marriage
what constitutes a good and healthy marriage
written by: james walsh; article published: year 2008, month 03;
in: categories » recreation and sport » dating and relationships » what constitutes a good and healthy marriage
Marriage is something that can be a heavenly relationship if it works and hellish if it doesn’t. So what constitutes a good marriage? There are many factors, but the most important is that the marital relationship should be able to fulfil the valid and reasonable needs and aspirations of both the partners.
The following are some of the essential conditions to be met before a marriage can be declared successful.
Feeling of Security
No marriage can succeed in the world without a feeling of security among the partners. They need a reassurance that they are important to the lives of their spouse and their presence is highly valued by the other. They should feel completely at home and fully comfortable in each other’s presence, with a genuine belief that they can rely on the other person in their moment of need.
The partners have an obligation to take care of each other and allow their spouse to grow and expand emotionally and spiritually. They have a relationship based on mutual dependence and should be able to count on each other for support in day-to-day life.
Physical Presence
After marriage, the partners are supposed to live in the same house and share the same bed. It is a very close relationship for which daily physical presence of the partners is required. The institution of marriage cannot be run by remote control over telephone or email. For it to be successful, it is essential for the partners to ensure their physical presence in the home.
If the husband or wife is always on tour out of the city on official work or does a job at another location, there is a great chance of the marriage unravelling. Absentee spouses may result in the partner living alone at home starting other romantic relationships to get rid of loneliness and gain some intimacy with another individual. The children too are adversely affected due to the absence of mother or father and their upbringing becomes lopsided. They bear a grudge for the absentee parent and the parent-child relationship weakens considerably.
Emotional Support
Life is like a roller-coaster ride with many ups and downs. There may be many days in a month when a partner is feeling depressed and run down. One of the major obligations of a spouse is to provide emotional nurturing and support to the other partner during such moments. A few soothing words of encouragement and display of affection go a long way in elevating mood and re-energising one’s spirit. No marriage can succeed without this crucial emotional nourishment provided by the partners to each other.
Mutual Trust
Mutual trust is the bedrock of a successful marital relationship. The partners need to blindly trust each other and have confidence that they will not be cheated or outsmarted by their spouse in any manner. This allows them peace of mind and they can let their guard down in the home where they can be at complete peace with themselves without any worries. A major component of this mutual trust is an obligation of the partners not to stray from the straight path and not start another romantic relationship behind their spouse’s back. Extramarital affairs shatter the bedrock on which marriage is built. Few spouses are able to tolerate infidelity of their partner. Most such cases end in divorce.
Personal Freedom
When you get married, you have many dreams and aspirations that you want fulfilled. It is the duty of the spouses to help each other grow and fulfil their desires. The relationship should not turn claustrophobic or suffocating for any partner. Spouses who are control freaks or abuse their partner emotionally or physically destroy the marriage quickly, with the latter looking for an escape route to personal freedom. The more freedom you give to your spouse in day-to-day affairs, the better is the chance of the relationship succeeding.
Good Sex
Sex is a basic human need, and it is very important for the spouses to copulate with each other regularly if there is any chance of the marriage succeeding. Unmet sexual needs are one of the biggest causes of divorce. Regular sex strengthens the relationship and releases hormones that lighten the mood and heighten the feeling of self-worth. It increases the feeling of intimacy and affection between the partners. In the absence of good sex, there is a strong chance of a partner starting an extramarital affair.
Financial Security
A good financial base is very important if a marriage has to succeed. Each partner has personal and lifestyle needs and aspirations which can only be fulfilled if there is adequate income. There are essential expenses too that have to be met regularly, such as house rent, utility bills, grocery bills and school and college fee of children. If there are insufficient funds to meet these needs, there are frequent bad blood and quarrels in the house which vitiate the atmosphere and weaken the relationship.
Labels: healthy marriage
Beyond the Wedding - Tips For a Healthy Marriage
By Laurie Sue Brockway
These days, brides get married to the wedding before they get married to their mates. With so many choices and so much stress, it is easy to get lost in planning a great wedding and forget to focus on building a great marriage!
Here are some Wedding Goddess tips for stepping into married life with strenght and wisdom:
1. Be aware that getting married can stir up a lot of emotions. The process itself sets forth period of growth and change that can be very nerve -wracking. Once you decide to marry you will begin the process of getting ready for marriage … and unresolved emotions may come to the surface to be explored. Be prepared to do some inner work along with all the external preparations. Honor and address the emotions and fears that arise. Trust they are natural. Don't sweep things under the rug. There are things you can do in addition to pre-marital counseling.
2. Ask yourselves, and each other, A LOT of questions. Don't assume that married life will be the same as single life. And don't be afraid to get to know each other's truest feelings. It is important that you you delve into everything from how you'll raise your kids, to what kind of color scheme you want in your home, to how you will spend free nights at home once the wedding is over. Many brides and grooms tend to want to avoid the deep talks, and dwell on the surface aspected of getting married. Your married life will be a lot smoother if you communicate with and listen to. Be willing to hear things you may not like and agree with... find ways to compromise or give in to one another.
3. Picture Your Future. In addition lots of questions and thoughtful answers, begin to think about and visualize the life you want to share. What will it look like? What will your new roles be like? What kind of home and family life do you home to have. Although it is fun to day dream, it is very practical to give thought and vision to the life you want to create. You might even want to create a treasure map or a book of choices to guide you.
4. Visual language is powerful. Cut photos from magazines that illustrate the essence of your ideal life together and paste them in a special journal book or on poster board. Superimposed photos of yourself in a picture of that fabulous vacation spot, or cut out a happy family picture that represents how you'd like it to be, with the number of kids you’d like to have. Visual cues give strong messages to the subconscious. Working together to find the images, and gluing them into place together, will begin to expand your picture of life together. Studies have show images can be like visual prayers.
5. Create your new home together. Find, it buy it or rent it and begin to get it in order before the big day! Your home will be the safe harbor for you both and your marriage. Whatever your budget, make home beautiful, sacred and truly compatible with you both. Start merging your stuff as soon as you can so that you don't spend the first months of marriage arguing about furniture and belongings. Use Feng Shui, and the many advances in emotionally uplifting decorating, to help you merge into married life with less stress. It can guide you on everything from where to place your bed to best place for your couch, TV and plants.
6. Create a Mission Statement For Your Marriage: You may not be able to write your own vows for your wedding, but you can put some personal thoughts on paper. The first step of any new enterprise is to create a mission statement. This applies to your marriage, as well. Brainstorm, discuss, process and bat around ideas until you come up with a Marriage Mission Statement. This is your mutual intention for marriage; it is what you want to be and build together. It can have one sentence or reflect a number of ideas. For example:
Our union gives us strength, power and fortitude to deal with all of life’s ups and downs, and it empowers us to contribute to others and the world. We are best friends, confidantes and partners, and we have many close relationships with people we consider "spiritual family." We are a couple who inspire others with our love and who model what it is to be in a great relationship.
7. Do pre-wedding vows. You can put forther your commitment, before your wedding day, in a very simple and loving way. It can be as simple as reading a poem to each other, to declaring your love in one or two affirming sentences. This excerpt from Song of Solomon is a beautiful example of selecting words that are simple, yet powerfully honor and express your love. You can just look each other in the eyes, hold hands and say: "I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine." Every time you experience a ritual that declares your love, it’s like giving each other a special boost of love and will bring you even closer for your wedding day.
8. Establish rituals that will make you both feel loved and happily married. In his book, Soul Mates, Thomas Moore talks of those little life rituals that make the soul feel content. These are usually mundane yet sacred elements of living that keep the two of you connected, keep your dreams alive and accentuate your togetherness. It's these things – a call from the office every day, a romantic dinner at home on Fridays, going to your favorite restaurant or Inn once a year – that keep you both aligned with the goals you set forth. When you establish loving rituals to look forward to, they will never become boring. They become a part of who you are, together. They will be experiences you can share to reawaken your love at any stage of marriage.
Labels: healthy marriage
How to Maintain a Healthy Marriage
By Amanda Dyar
You can keep the romance alive in your marriage
Things You’ll Need:
Willingness to Grow
The Ability to Give
Understanding
Step
1
Upon entering a marriage, two people have agreed to combine their lives and take the journey of life together. The first mistake people make is bringing their problems into their relationship and not knowing their self enough to give their selves fully to another person. Many people wear "masks" and when you enter a marriage you have to be willing to get rid of these "masks" and show your partner the real you. Sometimes people wear "masks" to hid fear, rejection, pain, or insecurities. Once the "masks" are off than it is time to set down and get to know the person you married. You have to be willing to accept the good things and the bad things about your spouse, and when problems arise you have to willing to take the effort to fix them in any way possible. The first step is ACCEPTING YOURSELF than the next step is ACCEPTING OTHERS.
Step
2
There are several things that can help you maintain a happy marriage. Marriage isn't easy, in fact, next to raising children it can actually be the hardest thing you attempt to do in your life. Below are a few tips that can help you maintain a happy, healthy marriage.
TIPS TO MAINTAIN YOUR MARRIAGE
1. You should start every day with a kiss.
2. Always wear your wedding ring. This prevents people from thinking you are single and this can negatively affect your relationship.
3. Take time once a week to plan a date. Get out just you and your spouse and go out to eat, catch a good movie, or have a picnic.
4. Always smile and laugh together.
5. Listen to each other
6. Know each others needs and try your best to give each other what you need and want.
7. Look your best at all times. Don't let the comfort level that comes with marriage keep you from looking good for each other.
8. Call each other during the day just to say hello.
9. Learn to forgive.
10. Say "I Love You" frequently.
11. Treat each others families with respect.
12. Always maintain your own dreams and goals and don't let them get lost during your marriage.
13. Communicate about each other's sexual desires and how to come together on your different desires.
14. Give each other gifts and cards for no reason.
15. Never go to sleep angry.
16. Compliment each other.
17. Seek outside help if need it.
Step
3
Marriage is a vow to love each other forever and sometimes maintaining that vow can be difficult. It is important to never give up and to always find new ways to add romance and excitement to your marriage. Do not ignore each others feelings or requests. It is important to work through problems when they occur and to forgive and move on. Holding on to past problems will only hurt your relationship in the future. There is no perfect person and you have to accept each other's differences. It is easy to have a happy marriage if both partners are willing to put in the time, effort and commitment. If you listen to each other and try your best than you should have a marriage that last for many years to come
Labels: healthy marriage
How to Have a Healthy Loving Relationship Between Parents
by Dr. Jenn Berman
Your relationship with your spouse or partner is the emotional foundation for your entire family. Your children are counting on you not only to demonstrate what a healthy relationship looks like, but also to provide them with the safety and security they need to create their own healthy attachments as they get older.
Four Behaviors to Steer Clear Of:
Dr. John Gottman, who is a therapist who studies couples in their natural habitat (i.e. he performed long term observations and studies in his "love lab"), found that the most important predictor of the success or failure of a marriage was not whether or not a couple fought, but the ratio of positive interactions to negative interactions. According to Gottman, for a marriage to work there must be five positive interactions for every negative one.
In addition to maintaining the five-to-one ratio of positive to negative interactions to maintain a happy marriage, Gottman, who founded the Gottman Institute, identified four common predictors of divorce among married couples. Those predictors are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. He explains that couples who discuss their grievances in a relationship seem to be able to work through conflict, while those that criticize or attack the other person's character do not. According to his research, showing contempt for your partner can cause tremendous damage to a relationship. As Gottman defines contempt in this case, it is an interaction that contains sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, or hostile humor. In one study, in fact, Gottman found that wives who make sour facial expressions during conversations, which he views as an example of contempt, are likely to be separated from their husbands within four years. When a relationship has devolved to the point where a couple is regularly demonstrating their contempt for each other, they are no longer trying to get along but are communicating their disgust towards one another.
Gottman identifies defensiveness as a predictor of divorce, because it quickly and quietly erodes a marriage. When partners are defensive, they blame each other without taking responsibility for their own actions. This stalemate makes it impossible to work through conflicts at all. Stonewalling, similar to defensiveness, is equally damaging, although it can take more time for the full effects to become apparent. When even one member of a couple is guilty of stonewalling, it makes any sort of dialogue impossible, resulting in an inability to communicate and work through problems.
All's Fair in Love and War?
There are many things you can do to improve your relationship. While few couples avoid fighting completely, all couples can learn to fight fairly. Good communication and the ability to fight fair are crucial cornerstones to a healthy marriage. Some tips:
- Use "I" Statements. Instead of blaming your partner, use what therapists call "I statements." They look like this: "When you ____________(fill in the blank with a behavior). It makes me feel __________ (fill in the blank with a feeling or two). For example "When you raise your voice to me it makes me feel scared and hurt.
- Try reflective listening. Reflective listening is repeating back to your partner what he or she just said using your own words. For example, "Let me see if I understand you correctly. When I yell at you, you find it threatening and it makes you feel hurt and scared?" Often when couples fight, they are so busy constructing their next argument while their partner is talking that they don't really listen to what the other person is saying. Feeling heard in a relationship is vital to good communication.
- Change the way you begin a discussion. Gottman found that 96% of the time, the way a discussion begins predicts the way it will end. If you can start from a loving stance rather than accusatory or attacking one, the odds are better that you will resolve the conflict in a positive way.
- Take a time out. Time outs are not just for kids. Sometimes adults can benefit from a cool down period during an argument. It is important that you establish this before taking the break, so your partner doesn't think you are simply walking away. It is helpful to say something like; "I think I need a time out right now. I am too upset to think straight and need some time to calm down. Let's check back in an hour." Learning to take a loving time out is a valuable skill.
- Do a daily check in. Take the time during your day to check in and see how one another are doing. Try to touch base about your thoughts and feelings as well as how your partner's day is going. Make sure you ask if it is a good time when you call.
- Make a date night. Make sure to pick something you both enjoy. Keep the pressure low, but make sure it is adults only.
- Put the romance back into the relationship. Sharing specific information about what pleases you and agreeing to do things to please each other on a regular basis is a very good idea. If you are not sure what your partner would like, ask him or her to complete the following sentences: "I feel loved and cared about when you"_______", "I used to feel loved and cared about when you"________" and "I would love it if you would ____________."
- Let your partner influence you. Let your partner influence your decisions. Gottman found that, even in the first few months of marriage, men who allow their wives to influence them have happier marriages and are less likely to want a divorce than men who resist their wives' influence. Statistically speaking, when a man is not willing to share power with his partner, there is an 81 percent chance that his marriage will self-destruct.
Labels: healthy marriage
May 08, 2008
Healthy Marriage
A new study supports the growing evidence that healthy marriages equal healthier men and women.
Researchers from Mayo Clinic, in Rochester, MN, investigated whether marital status and self-assessed mental health are independent risk factors for poor self-rated overall health among female primary care patients.
The cross-sectional survey of family medicine patients treated in a clinic in rural Minnesota included 723 women. Self-ratings of mental health, demographics and symptoms were used to predict self-rated overall health.
The study found that women who were single, divorced or otherwise not married or widowed had lower odds of good self-rated overall health compared with married women. Women who were 65 years of age and over, women who rated themselves as depressed and women who reported more physical symptoms also were less likely to have good health compared with younger women, women who did not feel depressed and women with fewer physical symptoms, respectively.
Education was not independently related to health in this sample. Worry was related to health in the univariate analysis but not after controlling for self-assessed depression.
The study authors concluded that in order to improve overall health among rural women seen in primary care settings, special attention may need to be directed at women who are single, are older, report more physical symptoms and feel depressed. They suggested that programs include self-help materials, support groups and counseling services addressing social isolation, employment and financial hardship.
This study comes during a time of marriage crisis in America; almost half of all marriages continue to end in divorce. However, couples who stay married report happier and healthier lives.
In an article for Discovery Health, David Popenoe, a professor of sociology at Rutgers University and co-director of the National Marriage Project, dispelled common myths about marriage. Popenoe asserted that recent research suggests that men and women benefit about equally from marriage, although in different ways. Both men and women live longer, happier, healthier and wealthier lives when they are married. Husbands typically gain greater health benefits, while wives gain greater financial advantages.
Other research found that couples with children have a slightly lower rate of divorce than childless couples. Popenoe found that the most common reasons couples give for their long-term marital success are commitment and companionship. He warned that many studies have found that those who live together before marriage have less satisfying marriages and a considerably higher chance of eventually breaking up. And, according to a large-scale national study, married people have both more and better sex than do their unmarried counterparts; they report enjoying it more, both physically and emotionally.
Another recent study of 17 developed nations found that married persons have a significantly higher level of happiness than persons who are not married after controlling for gender, age, education, children, church attendance, financial satisfaction and self-reported health. The authors asserted that "the strength of the association between being married and being happy is remarkably consistent across nations." Marriage boosted financial satisfaction and health; cohabitation, by contrast, did not increase financial satisfaction or perceived health and the boost to happiness from having a live-in lover was only about a quarter of that of being married, stated the researchers.
And finally, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services: Administration for Children and Families found benefits for children, men, women and communities.
Children and youth who are raised by parents in healthy marriages, compared to unhealthy marriages, are: more likely to attend college, more likely to succeed academically, physically healthier, emotionally healthier, less likely to attempt or commit suicide, less likely to have behavioral problems in school, less likely to be a victim of physical or sexual abuse, less likely to abuse drugs or alcohol, less likely to commit delinquent behaviors, more likely to have a better relationship with their mothers and fathers, less likely to divorce when they get married, less likely to become pregnant as a teenager or impregnate someone, less likely to be sexually active as teenagers, less likely to contract STDs and less likely to be raised in poverty.
Women who are in healthy marriages are: more likely to have a more satisfying relationship, emotionally healthier, physically healthier, wealthier, less likely to be victims of domestic violence, sexual assault or other violent crimes, less likely to attempt or commit suicide, less likely to abuse drugs or alcohol, less likely to contract STDs, less likely to remain or end up in poverty and more likely to have better relationships with their children.
Men who are in healthy marriages, compared to unhealthy marriages, are: more likely to live longer, physically healthier, wealthier, more likely to have increased stability of employment, more likely to have higher wages, emotionally healthier, less likely to abuse drugs or alcohol, more likely to have better relationships with their children, more likely to have a satisfying sexual relationship, less likely to commit violent crimes, less likely to contract STDs and are less likely to attempt or commit suicide.
And lastly, communities with a higher percentage of couples in healthy marriages report the following: higher rates of physically healthy citizens, higher rates of emotionally healthy citizens, higher rates of educated citizens, lower domestic violence rates, lower crime statistics, lower teen age pregnancy rates, lower rates of juvenile delinquency, higher rates of home ownership, lower rates of migration, higher property values and decreased need for social services.
For more information, please visit Natural Standard's Medical Conditions database, specifically the Marital Distress Monograph.
Labels: healthy marriage
Ten Indicators of a Healthy Marriage
Writer:
Martha Filipic
filipic.3@osu.edu
(614)292-9833
Source:
Ted Futris
futris.1@osu.edu
(614)688-4169
Editor: Marriage Week USA is Feb. 7-14, 2003.
COLUMBUS, Ohio -- A strong, healthy marriage isn't a matter of luck or romance, says Ted Futris, family life specialist for Ohio State University Extension. It takes work and compatibility.
"Some factors that contribute to a healthy relationship are static -- they're things you can't really change," Futris said. "Others are things that are dynamic -- things that you can work on to improve your relationship." Either way, they're important to know for anyone who is married or is thinking of marriage, he said.
Marriage Week USA is Feb. 7-14, and Futris hopes couples will take some time during that week to improve their relationship. Futris, a founding member of the Columbus Marriage Coalition, shares 10 indicators of a good relationship:
Fostering good communication. Happy couples talk to each other, and they listen to each other. The best communicators recognize when outside distractions or emotional states are at work to prevent good communication, and find ways to work through them when both partners are ready.
Resolving conflict in a positive way. According to the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, habitual avoidance of conflict is the No. 1 predictor of divorce. Strong relationships are earmarked by a couple's ability to handle disagreements in a positive manner.
Having realistic expectations. When people first meet, they put their best foot forward and try to mask their flaws. This is normal, but couples should realize that as time goes on, the "real" person will emerge. Relationships develop over time, but unrealistic expectations of a partner, or of a relationship, can cause undue stress.
Paying attention to details of your partner's life. People in strong marriages know their partner well. They know major events in their partner's past, and they know each other's likes, dislikes, hopes and worries. And, they keep updating this information as their partner's world changes.
Experiencing more positive interactions than negative ones. Some research indicates that successful marriages have five times as many positive interactions as negative ones. Giving positive responses to a partner's bid for attention -- whether it's a question, an extended hand, or just a glance -- strengthens the relationship.
Building trust. Trust develops slowly, but it is fostered by communicating honestly and following through on promises.
Spending time together. Sharing experiences is a good way to build a relationship. Couples who enjoy doing things together -- rather than feeling obligated or forced into doing things together -- have a stronger, healthier relationship.
Shared values. Couples who start out with a wide array of shared values -- who agree on what's important in life -- have a better chance at building a solid relationship.
Shared responsibilities. Both partners have the obligation of nurturing the relationship, keeping the household running smoothly and working toward common goals. Allowing only half of the couple to bear the brunt of these responsibilities can cause resentment to build.
Adapting to change. People and relationships change over time. That's to be expected, not feared. Even people's expectations of a relationship can change. Partners need to be able to talk about these changes and find ways to adapt to them.
These are just some indicators of healthy relationships, Futris said. To learn more, a free on-line newsletter, "Marriage Matters," is available through Ohio State University Extension at http://hec.osu.edu/famlife/marriagematters/. Additional information is available through the Web site of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, http://www.smartmarriages.com.
Labels: healthy marriage
The Energetics Of A Healthy Marriage Relationship
by Dr. Rita Louise
Most of what we know about our relationships we’ve learn from TV, movies or even romance novels. For many women, the idea they will meet their Prince Charming and live happily ever after is something they are brought up believing is true. As a society, we are lead to believe that one day we will meet the man or woman of our dreams, fall in love, get married, have children and live together forever in an idealist world only found in fairy tails. And for a small number of couple this is the case. For the vast majority of us, once the honeymoon is over, what was once thought to be fun, easy and carefree turns into being work, an aspect of a relationship no one really ever considers. Thus instead of addressing the changes that are taking place in our relationship space, where we need to nurture ourselves and our relationship, we instead find ways of diminishing or destroying it.
In a marriage, or any kind of relationship, whether personal or professional, agreements, both spoken and unspoken, are created. For example, at work, we agree to work hard, show up on time and to follow the directives established by the company. In our marriage, we agree to be loving, supportive and faithful. In turn, if someone breaks or violates any of the agreements, we may try to convince ourselves that their bad behavior was ok, but in the end the hurt we experience simply accumulates and over time, we come to the conclusion that enough is enough. Instead of discovering how we can win back our mate’s love an approval, we often times go to our own corner, lick our wounded pride and project an attitude of “I can do it without him” or “I don’t care”.
There is a song sang by Brooks & Dunn called “Husbands & Wives”. If you are not familiar with the song, it goes like this:
Two broken hearts lonely looking houses
Where nobody lives
Two people each having so much pride inside
Neither side forgives
The angry words spoken in haste
Such a waste of two lives
It's my belief pride is the chief cause in the decline
Of the number of husbands and wives.
We are taught that pride is a good thing. We are proud of our country, our football teams, our children and our accomplishments. This is the good aspect of pride. It helps us to identify who we are, what we value and helps us create a balanced sense of self. For many of us, however, pride or should I say ego is also mixed with our need to compare ourselves with others. Am I richer, smarter or even better looking than the people around me? Now granted, there are some that are convinced of their superiority over others, but it isn’t the overt sense of pride we are talking about here, but instead the kind that works to protect us from ourselves and our self-doubt.
In a relationship, pride and ego are the enemy of love. Pride, ego and self-esteem are all important aspects of ourselves…yet too much pride can be a bad thing, especially if it means that my needs, my honor, my values come first. This is especially true when we insist that we are right and are unyielding, regardless of the cost to ourselves and others. In the end, no one gets what they want, and neither party is happy.
Let’s look at a relationship from another perspective – from an energetic perspective. Relationships are about creating a dynamic of give and take or as how many people have heard it described, it should be 50-50. Both parties have to be willing to commit their time and energy into making a relationship work. At first this is easy. When we meet and fall in love, everything is new. It is easy for us to put a great deal of ourselves into the relationship. In addition to wanting to spend time with our new love, we will find ourselves thinking about him or her throughout the day and look forward to the time we will spend together.
This is a normal part of the process. As we get to know our significant other, we enjoy the process of opening and deepening the feelings of mental and emotional closeness. We can see and feel ourselves getting closer to our partner and this is one of the best parts about falling in love.
This state of drawing closer, over time, begins to shift. It changes from big easily acknowledgeable steps closer to smaller, less noticeable ones. To many, this slowdown feels like the forward movement within the relationship has stopped or even as if they are growing apart from their partner. And while they may still love their spouse, they can find themselves feeling as if they are “falling out of love”.
So what has happened. Well first off, the relationship isn’t new anymore. We are no longer easily allured by the new learning’s, the new feelings we experienced when the relationship first started which allowed us to effortlessly pour our energy into the relationship. What happens for most of us, this drive fades away and instead of devoting our attention to our relationship, other things start to claim our attention, our time and our energy, which in the end takes away from the energy dynamics we have with our partner. What we find is instead of it being easy, we now have to make a conscious choice to contribute to the relationship – and this is often where a relationship will fail.
In a healthy relationship our partners need two things from us – our time and our attention. Of the two, our attention is more important. Without paying attention to their wants, needs and desires, we are inadvertently saying to them that they are low on the totem pole. And so even thought we might be spending time with them, this act does not let them know that they are valued in our eyes.
According to an article I read online. It stated that: “Giving time without attention is sort of like leaving a seventeen cent tip at a restaurant... it lets the other person know that you didn't forget, you just didn't think they were worthy of more. It's insulting, whether done consciously, as with the tip, or subconsciously, as with spending time with your significant other without giving them your full attention.”
How do we give our partner attention? We talk to them, we buy them a nice gift, we make them something, we do something with them. Bottom line, we show them through our thoughts and deeds that we are thinking about them, considering them and we have their welfare in mind.
While not fully on point, let me give you an example. Many years ago I had what I considered a very close friend. As customary, we exchanged gifts for Christmas. That year our relationship was very strained. He was spending a lot of his time and energy making hand made crystal rune sets for everyone he knew – well that is except for me. It was my hope I would be given a very very special set of runes for Christmas – especially because of the close relationship we had. Instead, however, he gave me a silver and turquoise bead bracelet with matching earrings. Now don’t get me wrong, it was nice….but to anyone, and I mean anyone who knew me, they could readily see that it was something I would never ever wear.
This experience left me feeling devalued, that he wasn’t thinking about me at all. Through his actions or lack of consideration it really hurt our long standing friendship. And I’m sharing this, because he was just a close friend. Just think about how much more devastating something like this can be when it happens in your relationship with your spouse.
Our mental involvement in our relationships is critical. If we don’t show our mate that we were thinking about them specifically, it loses some if not all of its value in their eyes.
Thankfully, we can all fall in love again. A successful relationship requires that we place our partner ahead of our wants and needs, our likes and dislikes. By doing so, we will find that our partner will respond (that is unless the relationship is too damaged) in turn. This happens when we wake up one day and realize that our partner has fallen from our attention for too long, when we recognize that we need our spouse in our lives or that we want to share our lives with them.
As we begin to put our attention back into our relationship, we can again close the gap that has opened between us and our spouse. This will create feelings of falling in love and help to rekindle the feelings of love that were once shared. It opens the flow of energy from one person to the other and helps to create a state of love and joy within the marriage.
This flow of energy supports us as we let go of the ravages and walls that our ego and pride have constructed. As our heart melts, we can again begin to feel the love that was already and always there. When we feel loved, we feel safe and secure enough to open our hearts and minds to another. It gives us the opportunity to express our essence and share feelings of peace, serenity, happiness, compassion and patience with them. It is then that we can begin to celebrate our union and oneness with another and truly go riding into the sunset and live happily ever after.
Labels: healthy marriage
What makes for a happy marriage?
Mark Dombeck, Ph.D.
In order to best understand how a marriage can come apart, it is helpful first to understand some of the ways that healthy marriages are structured, and how they function.
Healthy marriage partners are compatible partners
In a marriage that is to stand the test of time, romance is important, but compatibility is critical. By and large, partners in healthy marriages come to agree upon common agendas regarding the directions their marriage will take, and the way each partner will behave. These common agreements may never have been discussed, but they will be present implicitly in how each partner chooses to act.
Areas of agreement that partners will have dealt with will generally include:
Friendship. Successful partners develop a significant friendship at the core of their relationship. They genuinely like one another, amuse and comfort one another, and prefer to spend time with each other. This friendship and mutual liking is somewhat separate from other aspects of the relationship (sexuality, for instance), and can survive the loss of these other aspects of the relationship. A strong friendship and mutual liking is often the basis for repair of troubled relationships.
Role expectations. The partners reach agreement with regard to how household responsibilities are divided and how they will behave towards each other. Traditionally, and still dominantly, the male or masculine-identified partner will take on the majority of financial obligations, while the female or feminine-identified partner will take on nurturing roles. Tradition has broken down significantly in the industrialized west over the last century, however, and it is not at all uncommon to find 'women' who take on financial obligations, 'men' who take on nurturing roles, or to find both partners sharing these roles to one degree or another. Failure to reach agreement with regard to roles can be a major source of conflict.
Emotional intimacy. Successful partners learn to trust each other, to be vulnerable with each other, to laugh together, and to support one another in times of need.
advertisement
Sexual expectations. Partners come to basic agreements as to how they will be sexual with each other. Frequently (traditionally) this means that they will be sexual with one another, and not with other people, but this is not necessarily the case. Sexual expectations may further dictate the kinds and patterns of sexual activities that each partner will and will not engage in. Coming to agreement with regard to sexuality can increase trust that couples feel for each other, and failure to reach agreement can be cause for conflict. As sexual activity is strongly rewarding and bonding for couples, it is best for marriages when partners agree upon sexual expectations and are both satisfied with their lovemaking.
Vision/Goals. Successful partners agree that they want to pursue the same life paths, values and goals and mutually commit to those paths, values and goals. Examples might include decisions to have children or not, to attend or not attend religious services, to raise a child in a particular faith, to save or spend money, or to live frugally or extravagantly, etc.
Successful marriages tend to be populated by partners who come to their marriage with pre-existing significant compatibilities (of personality, temperament, goals, etc.) that make it easier for them to reach agreement because they frequently end up wanting the same thing. They may share commonalities with regard to personality, temperament, or preferences for volatile or conflict-avoiding interactions, as well as goals, religious and ethical ideals, etc.
While these areas of agreement do tend to be present in healthy marriages, we should note that no marriage is perfect, and that many perfectly good marriages harbor disagreements with regard to some of the domains we've discussed. In general, however, the more domains you and your partner are in agreement on, the better are your chances for a healthy marriage.
Background factors play a minor role in determining marriage success.
Personality, temperament and goal compatibility is very important in determining whether a marriage will be strong. Other background factors are also important, however. Better marriages are reported by people who chose to marry later in life as opposed to younger, by people who recall being very intensely in love with their partners prior to getting married, and by people who maintain close family relationships and whose parents' approved of their marriage. Also, people identified with more traditional sex-role and religious values tend to report having higher quality marriages overall (although it isn't clear that such people aren't just reporting positive outcomes based on their desire to present themselves in a positive light). When all factors relating to marital adjustment are considered together, personality and life-goal compatibility seems to be of paramount importance, and background factors such as whether partners come from similar family, religious or economic backgrounds or whether they have similar dating histories appear to be of lessor importance.
Labels: happy marriage
