Bonding & Marriage Success
Bonding is central to marriage success. That's not very surprising. The vast majority of couples planning for or contemplating marriage start off very bonded.
What is surprising for many couples, though, is the unexpected vulnerability of their initial powerful attachment. The biggest mistake that couples make is to take their bond for granted by assuming that their connection will stay strong because they love each other or with 'hard work.' But they don't have an intentional strategy to maintain the strength of their union.
Without a specific plan, most couples' attachment may grow weaker over time, whether or not they want this to happen, placing their marriage at risk. The first years of marriage are the riskiest for divorce and affairs. Couples report that "the spark is gone," or that while they still love each other, they are no longer "in love" or have "grown apart."
Some couples think that starting a family together will reinforce their bond. For many, it is the opposite. They may stay together because of their kids, but their tie to each other is actually diluted as their attachment to their children displaces their connection to each other.
What disrupts their bond, so unexpectedly?
The fact is that nature never intended for the exhilarating feelings that you experience when falling in love to endure with the same intensity over time. The brain chemistry (based on elevated levels of dopamine and norepinephrine) that underlies romantic attraction can't remain in this state very long. Nature doesn't want us to burn out. That special chemistry that drives courtship is destined to fade.
This phase of intense bond formation used to last through the wedding. But now that couples postpone marriage and often live together, it is common for passion to subside--often well before the wedding or soon thereafter.
Nature intends our initial, temporary falling-in-love bonding period to be replaced by a longer-term attachment between partners--with a totally different underlying brain chemistry (based on oxytocin and vasopressin). [Fisher, et al, 2002]
But, some of us find it easier to form and maintain these long-term bonds. According to researchers, different attachment styles rooted in early experiences with parents play an important role in bonding: Most of us have what the experts call a secure attachment style based on a comfortable balance of closeness and independence in their intimate relationships. They tend to be relatively self-confident, accepting and supportive in relationships.
Many people with colder and/or rejecting early attachment experiences continue to have some degree of difficulty with romantic bonding during adult life. They may be less comfortable with closeness and trust, find it difficult to depend on others or be depended upon. On average their relationships last about half as long as those with the more secure style.
Those whose early attachments were particularly unreliable tend to be preoccupied and obsessive in relationships, needy and vulnerable, and experience difficulty getting as close to others as they would like. They bond easily, but their relationships are the least durable.
All of these attachment styles are considered normal. But both of these less secure styles are prone to experiences of jealousy and loneliness. They also tend toward defensiveness and blame and have difficulty getting their needs met.
In addition to any bonding challenges posed by these attachment patterns from childhood, there are many realities of modern life that disrupt our longer-term attachments (even though they interfere less with the earlier phases of our relationships):
Every couple has 5 - 7 unresolvable differences, so there's a lot to disagree about once you start thinking about getting married. If you don't have good approaches to managing your differences, your disagreements will take a toll over time. Conflict can raise your level of negativity and undermine mutuality.
Then there are just the day-to-day pressures that tend to pull couples apart--jobs and careers, finances, kids, not enough time in your day. Lot's of couples don't understand that if you try to put your relationship 'on hold' while you give more attention to a new job or to children, it will be much more difficult than you imagine restoring the closeness between you.
The different approaches of the genders to many aspects of relationships, including communication and bonding, are another factor that can stress couples' feeling of closeness over time. The pursue--withdraw pattern, where one partner keeps after the other to resolve an important issue or for more closeness, while the other feels overloaded and keeps withdrawing or picking a fight to get away, is especially dangerous. This pattern is what's primarily behind the stereotypes of the 'nagging' wife and the husband who 'doesn't talk.'
The changes in sex that challenge couples over the long term, as partner novelty declines and differences in approach to sexuality get in the way, can also contribute to diminished bonding.
All of these factors can chip away at the strength of your bond, in part by disrupting the brain chemistry that underlies it. Many couples count on the strength of their initial bond to get them through these challenges and can't imagine that it might fade.
So what can couples do to avoid the seemingly inevitable slide toward greater disengagement? Well, fortunately, there's plenty. But for most couples, it doesn't happen on its own. You have to plan and strategize to keep your bond strong. And it's best to start early, just when you can't believe that you'll ever need it.
Here are some approaches that marriage success research has shown will help to keep your bond vital:
· Build positivity in your relationship. No one can avoid some negativity, but limit it. Marriage research has revealed that happy couples have at least five positive interactions for every negative one. Couples who slip below five-to-one have a hard time restoring the balance. Repair after your fights. Don't allow prolonged periods of resentment to persist.
· Make time for your relationship--no matter what.
· Daily, non-stressful communication--continuing to keep up with each other's lives--is another bonding activity. And it's one that tends to go by the way when lives become busy. Remember how curious you were to learn the details of each other's lives when you were getting to know one another?
· Approach life as a team. Don't become adversaries, even when you disagree. Your disagreements are something that both of you must take an active role in managing. Planning and dreaming together are bonding for both genders.
· Appreciate the male need to bond through shared activities. Make time for the intimate talking that women usually prefer for bonding--but make it easier for him by scheduling it at a good time, setting a time limit on these discussions, and limiting any negativity.
· Keep your sex life active. Schedule a regular date night, especially if things are slowing down. You'll be surprised how the anticipation will whet your appetite--just like it did when you were dating. Introduce new forms of novelty to compensate for the inevitable diminishing partner novelty. Overcome any disagreements about initiating and active/passive roles by taking turns. The brain chemistry stimulated by sex is critical to renewing your bond.
· Celebrate your relationship. Develop rituals to commemorate your anniversaries and other memorable relationship milestones. Build a relationship mythology by telling your stories, such as that of how you met.
Adopting these strategies builds a bonding immunization for couples. These approaches help couples to build up a reserve of attachment that will help maintain their relationship through the inevitable stresses and challenges of contemporary married life and prevent disruption of their connection. Couples who are already experiencing tension or disengagement can revitalize their link by embracing these approaches.
Plan to keep your bond strong by learning more about practical bonding strategies that fit your relationship style and are comfortable for both genders. Enhance your intimacy, communication and conflict management skills at a Marriage Success Training seminar.
Nurturing Love and Respect in Marriage
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The Family: A Proclamation to the World reminds us that we have an obligation to love and serve our marriage partner. To love them effectively, we have to know and understand their inner world—their likes, dislikes, thoughts, and feelings. Taking the time to do this and then acting on what we learn is a powerful way to nurture love and respect in our marriage. Researcher John Gottman calls this process enhancing our "love maps."
What is a love map? Gottman says it's the part of your brain where you store important information about your spouse. It's like a mental notebook where you write down unique traits of your spouse and things about him or her you want to remember. It includes your spouse's dreams, goals, joys, fears, likes, dislikes, frustrations, and worries. Things like your husband's favorite breakfast cereal or the name of your wife's best friend are important "points" on the map.
Why are thorough love maps so important? Because they strengthen marriages. Couples with extensive love maps remember important dates and events, and they stay aware of their partner's changing needs. They constantly seek updates on what the other person is doing, feeling, and thinking. Being known in this way is a gift each partner gives the other, bringing great happiness and satisfaction. It also makes couples better prepared to cope with stresses on their marriage.
For example, in one study Gottman interviewed couples around the time of the birth of their first child. For 67% of couples this stressful event was accompanied by a significant drop in marital satisfaction. But the other 33% did not see such a drop, and many felt their marriages had improved. The difference was the completeness of the couples' love maps. "The couples whose marriages thrived after the birth had detailed love maps from the get-go. . . ," says Gottman. "These love maps protected their marriages in the wake of this dramatic upheaval."
Couples who had established a habit of finding out about each other's thoughts and feelings were likely to continue doing so at a time of change. Their deep knowledge about each other and their practice of staying in touch protected their relationships from being thrown off course. They grew to love each other more deeply because there was more about each other to love.
Here are some activities to help you nurture love and respect by expanding and using your love maps:
Play "Love Map 20 Questions" with your spouse. Together write down as many detailed, personal questions you can think of (at least 20). Include a wide range of questions from many different categories. Take turns asking each other questions from your list. Then see if you can answer the questions for each other by turning your questions around. Instead of asking "What is your dream vacation?" ask "What is my dream vacation?"
Keep score if you like, but keep the game lighthearted and fun, not competitive. Examples of the categories and questions you might ask include the following:
Family: Which of my parents do I think I'm most like? Why?
Friends: Name two of my best friends and how I met them.
Work: How do I feel about my boss? What would I change about my job?
Hobbies: What are my three favorite things to do in my spare time?
Dreams: What is one of my unrealized dreams?
Favorites: What is my favorite dessert? TV show? Sports team?
Feelings: What makes me feel stressed? When do I feel confident?
Exchange journals. For two consecutive weeks, keep a journal. Write something every day, even if it's brief. Try not to focus on your actions, such as "Today I went to the store and took the kids to soccer." Rather, focus on your thoughts and feelings-"I was really upset by the way Bob treated me at work today" or "I read an article today and it reminded me of. . . ." At the end of the two weeks, exchange journals.
Use your love map to show you care. Think of something special or unique about your spouse-something personal and specific, such as a talent, dream, favorite thing. Then turn that thought into a kind act for your spouse, such as making her favorite dish or clipping from the newspaper a course announcement about something that interests him. You might also write your spouse a note about one of their best qualities. For example, if your husband or wife is especially dedicated to his or her job, write a note saying how much you appreciate and admire this. Slip it into a briefcase or purse.
It's important that you not do something generic. The purpose of this activity is to show your spouse that you know and remember specific things about him or her. So don't just buy your wife some flowers-buy her yellow rose buds because you know those are her favorite.
Other examples:
During a visit to her in-laws, Ann found out that when her husband, Steve, was a little boy he always wanted his birthday cakes decorated like choo-choo trains. A few months later, she surprised Steve by making a train cake for his birthday.
Bob's favorite movie was playing at the local theatre. After work, Susan surprised him with pre-paid tickets for the evening show.
Bill's wife, Jill, loves to try new recipes. While he was picking up a few things at the store, he also picked up a cooking magazine.
Use your love maps to speak your spouse's "love language." Each of us likes to be loved in our own way, according to our own love language. Enhancing our love maps allows us to become more knowledgeable about our spouse's love language so that when we send a message intended as loving, it will be received as loving.
When we neglect to learn our partner's love language, it's easy to make mistakes when we intend to communicate love. For example, Robert got up at 5:30 one Saturday morning and washed, waxed, and polished the floors, cleaned the garage, cut the lawn, and planted flowers. He thought these actions were a great way to communicate love to his wife because for him, such actions communicate love. At noon he showered and was about to leave. As he walked out the front door, his wife said: "John, the least you could do is kiss me good-bye!" He thought he had already shown his love by doing the chores above and beyond what was expected, but her love language required affection. Without it, she did not truly feel loved.
Develop a "Caring Days" list. One way to learn to speak each other's love language is to practice "Caring Days," a technique developed by therapist Richard Stuart and clinically shown to strengthen marriages. Here's how to do it:
First, sit down together and develop a Caring Days list by agreeing on several behaviors or actions (say, nine for each partner) that you find loving and would like to receive from your partner. These actions must be:
1. Specific (such as "Tell me you love me at least once a day"),
2. Positive (not "Don't do this" or "Stop doing that"),
3. Small enough to be done on a daily basis (such as "Call me at work during lunch, just to see how I'm doing"), and
4. Not related to any recent conflict.
Second, agree to doing five of the actions on the Caring Days list each day for two weeks. Even if your partner doesn't follow through with his or her list, be patient and persist in doing your list.
Third, put the Caring Days list in a conspicuous place, such as on the refrigerator door or bathroom mirror. List the actions in a center column and your name on one side and your spouse's names on the other. When an action is received, note the date next to the action. This will help reinforce speaking one another's love language.
At the end of two weeks, evaluate how your relationship has changed.
An action one wife listed was a "daily back rub." He liked her to "snuggle up close to me when we sit together." Creating, keeping, then following a current Caring List reduces the guesswork in nurturing love and respect in marriage.
Written by Megan Northrup, Research Assistant, and Stephen F. Duncan, Professor, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.
THE SEXUAL DANGERS
OF SPANKING CHILDREN
Sexual Dangers of Spanking Children was published in 1994 and last revised in August 2002. Copyright is waived on this publication and it may be freely reproduced and disseminated. For readers' convenience, a PDF version of this publication may be viewed and downloaded at www.nospank.net/sdsc.pdf. For further information about corporal punishment of children, visit www.nospank.net and, for information specifically about its sexual implications, visit www.nospank.net/101.htm. Parents and Teachers Against Violence in Education is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization. Direct all inquiries to PTAVE, P.O. Box 1033, Alamo, CA 94507, e-mail ptave@nospank.net or call (925) 831-1661.
“It is a disgusting and slavish treatment which would certainly be regarded as an insult if it were inflicted on adults... And consider how shameful, how dangerous to modesty are the effects produced by the pain or fear of the victims. This feeling of shame cripples and unmans the spirit, making it flee from and detest the light of day...”
Quintilian, A.D. 35-95
“But what you would not so readily believe upon my affirmation, was that there are persons who are stimulated to venery by strokes of rods, and worked up into a flame of lust by blows... A strange instance what a power the force of education has in grafting inveterate ill habits on our morals...”
Johann Heinrich Meibom, physician, 1629
By TOM JOHNSON
Spanking, defined as slapping of the buttocks, is a form of hitting and thus of physical violence. That fact alone should make the spanking of children unacceptable by the same standards that protect adults, who are not as vulnerable. However, there is more to spanking than simply hitting: spanking also trespasses on one of the body’s most private and sexual areas—the buttocks. To fully address the wrongness of spanking children, therefore, we must consider not only the issue of physical violence, but also the issue of sexual trespass. While the harm of spanking’s physical violence has been thoroughly explained and demonstrated over the past century in a vast body of academic literature, scientific research, legal treatises, and relatively recently in the popular media, it is quite rare that the sexual consequences of spanking are openly and seriously discussed. This pamphlet aims to raise public awareness about the sexual aspects which make spanking an especially inappropriate and even dangerous way of disciplining children, whether it is done by parents, educators or other caretakers. While this pamphlet focuses on “spanking,” the most seemingly benign form of physical punishment, the arguments raised herein apply equally to paddling, switching, caning, strapping, or any other mode of forcible buttock-beating.
Buttocks are a sexual zone
Like women’s breasts, the buttocks are a sexual or erogenous part of the human anatomy, even though they are not actually sex organs. This is why baring one’s buttocks in public is considered indecent as well as unlawful and why their exposure in movies or on television constitutes nudity. It is also why someone who uninvitedly fondles another person’s buttocks is treated by law as a sexual offender. The sexual nature of the buttocks is explained not only by their proximity to the genitals, but also by their high concentration of nerve endings which lead directly to sexual nerve centers. Hence, the buttocks are a major locus of sexual signals.
Children are sexual beings
The sexuality of the buttocks is significant not just to adults, but to children as well. Even though they are sexually immature and without an active sex drive, children are from birth neurologically complete sexual beings who are capable of experiencing erotic sensation. The existence of pedophiles, furthermore, means that children can also become the targets of sexual intentions. As much as we might like to imagine childhood as an innocent, carefree world beyond the influence of sexuality, we do children a disservice if we fail to recognize that they too have erogenous zones which deserve consideration and respect.
Spanking as sexual violation
Since children are sexual beings and since the buttocks are a sexual region of the body, we should question the propriety of slapping children’s buttocks. We generally understand that fondling or caressing a child’s buttocks is a sexual offense (even if the child does not understand it to be so). We also know that slapping an adult’s buttocks is a sexual offense (even if the offender does not get sexual pleasure from doing so).
The question, then, is why slapping a child’s buttocks is not considered a sexual offense. Is it because spanking, unlike fondling, is physically painful and used to punish misbehavior? No, or painfully spanking a misbehaving adult would not be a sexual offense. Is it because children are less likely to be sexual targets than adults, less likely to feel violated, and therefore protected less strictly? No, or fondling an adult would be a far more serious crime than fondling a child. A more plausible explanation for this breach of logic is simply that the majority of people are unable or unwilling to believe there could be anything indecent about a practice as old, common and accepted as the spanking of children—something which nearly everyone has received, given or witnessed at least once. And since spankings typically come from esteemed or even beloved authority figures, many people are loath to question this behavior.
In any case, freedom from sexual violation is one of the basic tenets of liberty most revered by Americans and by most of the free world. As this principle of inviolacy applies to adults, it should apply equally, if not especially, to children, who are below the age of consent. Spanking children may be a time-honored tradition, but any tradition that so gratuitously disregards their inviolacy deserves to be discontinued.
Some argue that spanking is justified or even commanded by the Bible, specifically the Book of Proverbs. There is a distinction, however, which should be of key interest to fundamentalists, between the practice in King Solomon’s day of beating people on the back and the modern American habit of buttocks-hitting: the latter is not prescribed anywhere in the Bible. Moreover, it should be kept in mind that the Old Testament contains passages which could be (and in some cases have been) construed as divine endorsements of wife-beating, racial warfare, slavery, the stoning to death of rebellious children and other behaviors that are outrageous by today’s standards. As Shakespeare once wrote, “The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.”
Spanking as sexual abuse
As in ages past, there are people today who are sexually excited by spanking. This trait, which is often expressed in pornography and associated with sadomasochism, is known in scientific literature as flagellantism. While many flagellants seek to engage in consensual spanking between adults, some find the spanking of minors to be either more arousing or more opportune.
Since children in this country up to eighteen years old can still be legally and forcibly spanked by parents, guardians, teachers, school principals and other child care professionals, it is often easy for flagellants to obtain positions where they can sexually abuse children with little or no fear of repercussions. As long as society sees spanking as a legitimate act of discipline, and as long as the spanked youths are presumed to have “deserved” it, sexually abusive spankers have an effective moralistic disguise for their true motives. History, court records and current events contain numerous cases of flagellant sexual abuse against defenseless victims, and there is no telling how many instances have gone unreported.
Some adults might rationalize: “Well, I know my intentions are purely nonsexual, so there’s nothing wrong with my spanking a child.” The main problem with this rationale is that it fails to consider all the children who are at the mercy of other adults, among whom there will always be some with motives that are not so pure – and not necessarily obvious. Even spankings that have no sexual motive contribute to the cover that sexually abusive spankers depend on, affirming the old alibi: “Hey, lots of people spank their kids. So what’s the big deal?”
Spanking and psychosexual development
Even without sexual motives on the part of the punisher, spanking can interfere with a child’s normal sexual and psychological development. Because the buttocks are so close to the genitals and so multiply linked to sexual nerve centers, slapping them can trigger powerful and involuntary sensations of sexual pleasure. This can happen even in very young children, and even in spite of great, clearly upsetting pain.
This kind of sexual stimulation, which undermines any disciplinary purpose and which most people would agree is unsuitable for children in any context, can cause a child to impressionably attach his or her sexuality to the idea of spanking. This fixation may endure to cause problems in adult life. Or, on the other hand, the child might react against these unseemly feelings of pleasure by repressing his or her sexuality, so much perhaps that as an adult, he or she has difficulty experiencing sexual pleasure and intimacy.
An additional danger is that the confusing mixture of pleasure with pain will become the basis for permanent sadomasochistic tendencies. Sadomasochism, in which a person takes pleasure in inflicting or receiving pain, drives behavior that is destructive to oneself and to others, and therefore to society at large. While the intensity and background of individuals’ sadomasochism varies widely, the great majority of studied cases point to the same primary cause: childhood whippings, usually on the buttocks.
The odds that spanking a child will lead to psychosexual aberrations would be difficult to calculate. However, the fact that there is any chance of these problems occurring should be reason enough to abandon the practice. (It is important to note that even children who are never spanked themselves can be negatively impacted by seeing other children punished this way.) The risks are completely unnecessary.
Spanking and modesty
Imagine your reaction if an authority figure, having discovered some misdeed of yours, pinned you across his lap and began slapping your buttocks. Painfulness aside, most people would consider this a rude, inexcusable assault on their modesty, no matter what they had done to “deserve” it.
Many people might assume that children, especially very young children, are too ignorant or naive to feel such indignity, or perhaps too impressed by the physical pain of spanking to care about much else. The truth is, however, that spanking can seriously injure a child’s sense of modesty. When a child is old enough to be told by adults to act modestly (which is not merely a social requirement, but also a wise precaution against potential child molesters), that child is likely to internalize and develop modesty as a personal value that will increase with age. This value persists even though the child might lapse into immodest behavior from time to time, as most children do. Consequently, the child whose buttocks are slapped may experience deep and lasting sexual shame, especially if the punishment is done in front of others or involves a state of undress. Actually, there are some adults who consciously emphasize this humiliation as part of the punishment (and some, for that matter, who do not limit spanking to younger children or even to preteens). But just as inflicting sexual shame is an unthinkable punishment for adults in any civilized society, it is surely an outrageous way to treat children.
It is a strange inconsistency, furthermore, for adults to exhort children to modesty while punishing them in a way that aggressively denies their modesty and privacy. Such mixed messages tend to confuse children or make them skeptical toward adult authority. Especially if adults hope to instill children with strong values of modesty, self-respect, and respect for others — values that become very important through the trials of puberty and adolescence — adults should teach by example and refrain from the disrespectful practice of bottom-slapping.
Conclusion
It is not disputed that spanking has a sexual side as well as a punitive side. Indeed, our popular culture and media suggest there is wide awareness of this fact, however unspoken. Society has nonetheless failed to squarely address the serious implications of spanking’s punitive/sexual duality. Considering the power of sex to corrupt, along with the coercive nature of punishment, we should be alarmed at the very idea of discipline through spanking – all the more so when it is directed at a group of people as powerless, fragile and unsuspecting as children.
EXPERTS’ QUOTES
“Spanking on the buttocks can produce definitely erotic sensations, including sexual orgasm, in some children. Some of these children have been known to cause themselves to be spanked, by misconducting themselves on purpose and by pretending distress while receiving the desired ‘punishment’... The frequency with which this happens is not known, although it may not be altogether rare... The spankings in these cases may have been given for the adult’s own perverted gratification (‘sadism’); or at least there might have been culpable awareness and toleration of the child’s sexual reaction on the part of the adult. ...Only some decades ago perverts masquerading as governesses or tutors were reportedly anything but rare in some European countries.”
J. F. Oliven, M.D. Sexual Hygiene and Pathology (1965)
“In many cases, the avowed disciplinary value of flagellation in schools and colleges was a mere pretense to enable sadists to secure sexual titillation.”
George Ryley Scott, historian, sociologist, anthropologist. The History of Corporal Punishment (1938)
“When a child is hit on the buttocks... [t]his kind of violent touch can be sexualized in the child’s mind not only because of a real flow of blood into the genitalia, but also because of a longing for intimacy with the parent: if painful physical touch is the only fulfillment of that longing, then this can “feel good.”
Shere Hite, sex researcher, sociopsychologist. The Hite Report on the Family (1995)
“These are the realities that most of us remain eager to deny... So long as children are beaten by adults, the obsessions with domination and submission, with power and authority, with shame and humiliation, with painful pleasure – all hallmarks of sadomasochism – will remain an enduring consequence of the ordinary violence and coercion done in the name of discipline... Sadomasochism is not an aberration; it is inherent in corporal punishment...”
Philip Greven, professor of history. Spare the Child (1990)
“I have had constantly to do with neurotics in whom sadistic feelings were first aroused by corporal punishment; after the sadistic impulse thus awakened has been repressed and forms the starting points of very malignant aberrations about which it would be very disingenuous to aver that they would have developed without the free use of the rod... The number of those who are harmed through beating, especially upon the buttocks, is undoubtedly very great... Even one who passionately contemns sexuality will hardly be inclined to deny that the corporal punishment induced well-marked sexual stimulation—although the gluteal region is not within the domain of the genital organs.”
Oskar Pfister, physician, psychoanalyst. Love in Children and its Aberrations (1924)
“Frequent spankings, too, may have a negative impact on sex development. Because of the proximity of the sex organs, a child may get sexually aroused when spanked. Or he may so enjoy the making up that follows the punishment that he will seek suffering as a necessary prelude to love. There are many adult couples who seem to need a good fight before a good night.”
Dr. Haim G. Ginott, child psychologist. Between Parent and Child (1966)
“Advocates of corporal punishment in schools should examine very carefully the weight of evidence now available and, particularly in light of the pornographic component, consider whether they can justify the continuation of a system with such a capacity for exciting unhealthy interest.”
British Psychological Society, “Report on Corporal Punishment in Schools” (1980)
“Being beaten excites children sexually because it is an intense excitation of the erogenous zones of the skin of the buttocks and of the muscles below the skin...”
Otto Fenichel, M.D. The Psychoanalytic Theory of Neurosis (1945)
“Ever since Jean-Jacques Rousseau’s Confessions, it has been well known to all educationalists that the painful stimulation of the skin of the buttocks is one of the erotic roots of the passive instrument of cruelty (masochism).”
Sigmund Freud. Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality, VII (1905)
“The adult flagellant fantasy, in short, always derives from the infantile one. As with all sexual perversions, we are dealing with a variety of arrested development...that puberty and subsequent experience have been unable to dislodge... We need to examine its roots in childhood...”
Ian Gibson, The English Vice (1979)
NEWS REPORTS
The New York Times (12/22/92)
The director of a Manhattan junior high school for children at risk of dropping out was arrested yesterday and charged with sexually abusing a 14-year-old boy who was a ninth-grader at the school, officials said... [Investigator Robert] Viteretti said that on two occasions [the director] asked the boy into his office, then closed and locked his door and pulled down the boy’s pants and underwear. ‘He would start spanking the boy for his own sexual gratification, and stroking and caressing his genitalia,’ he said...
The Sacramento Bee (3/26/95)
PHOENIX — The headmaster of a private school has been arrested and accused of forcing a 15-year-old girl to remove her clothing and kneel in prayer while he struck her with a wooden paddle. The girl’s mother witnessed the paddling, too frightened to do anything to stop it, Phoenix police said... The teen’s 6-year-old sister, waiting in the next room, also heard her sister’s cries for help, police said...
Her mother had brought her there to consider enrolling her in September.
Police say Michael William Wetton told the girl during her 75-minute ordeal on Feb. 24 that he wanted her to understand corporal punishment, which is used to discipline students at the school... After Wetton’s arrest, some parents directed anger at the police... “The Bible says to use the rod,” [school board member Rosemary] Rice said, adding that the arrest “is an assault on Christian beliefs.”...
As part of the orientation, Wetton reportedly took the girl to a room alone and told her to take off her clothes. Crying, she removed everything but her bra and panties. Wetton then struck her once with a wooden paddle. Wetton then reportedly forced the girl to disrobe completely, made her kneel as if in prayer and struck her across the buttocks. Then, police say, he forced her to grab the edge of a table, spread her legs and submit to another swat. Finally, he made her bow down to him and recite the Lord’s Prayer.
The Plain Dealer (Cleveland)
(8/19/97)
ELYRIA—Raymond Boyle could get two years in prison after pleading guilty yesterday to child endangering for spanking his teenage daughters with their pants down.
Gary A. Crow, executive director of Lorain County Children Services, said the case shows how blurry the line can be between discipline and abuse.
Ohio law permits use of reasonable corporal punishment, but prosecutors said Boyle’s methods were a mental risk to his daughters, 15 and 13...
Amherst police Detective Alex Molnar said Boyle, 39, required his daughters to strip naked from the waist down before spanking them last year.
Officials said one girl was spanked three times, with the first in January 1995 and the last in April 1996; and the other was spanked in April 1996.
Molnar said they confided the humiliation to a school counselor after the April incident. Molnar said the girls were punished by their father repeatedly for minor things, including misbehaving on the school bus or disobeying his rules...
The News-Times (Danbury, CT)
(12/3/96)
LITCHFIELD, Conn. (AP) - A little league coach accused of repeatedly spanking a little girl after pulling down her pants has been charged with sexual assault.
Ronald Ellis, 30, of New Hartford, was in Bantam Superior Court on Monday. He was released on a written promise to appear in court.
Ellis has been charged with fourth-degree sexual assault and risk of injury to a minor in the October incidents...
The Gazette (Montreal) (10/31/00)
Amanda Green was being a naughty 7-year-old and knew it on that day 13 years ago when she played with the water and climbed on the toilets in the girls’ bathroom at Greendale elementary school in Pierrefonds.
She and her girlfriend were caught by their teacher, and Amanda knew shewas in for it when she was sent to the principal’s office.
David Wadsworth, principal of the school, immediately said he would see the girls individually. When it was Amanda’s turn, the Grade 2 student nervously entered Wadsworth’s office.
What she had done was wrong, Wadsworth told her, and now he was going to let her pick one of two choices for a punishment: either he would tell her parents and teachers what she had done and take away certain privileges, such as recess and gym; or she could take off her pants and panties and let him spank her as he would his own child, and no one need ever know what had happened.
“Can’t I leave my underwear on?” asked Amanda. No, she vividly remembers Wadsworth telling her, embarrassment is part of the punishment.
Amanda, a feisty child, knew she shouldn’t have to remove her clothes. She didn’t like either punishment, she told him, defiantly. Perhaps taken aback by someone willing to stand up to him, Wadsworth told her to leave his office and never again brought up the incident.
Amanda’s friend chose the spanking.
Wadsworth has pleaded guilty to possession of child pornography - pictures and videos of children being spanked - as well as to sexual assault and gross indecency against eight former students at a Pincourt elementary school. Amanda Green, now a Concordia University student, finds herself haunted by how many other children might have chosen to be spanked on a bare bottom by a man everyone believed was a sweetheart principal and a terrific teacher...
A letter read on BBC Radio 4’s “Any Answers?” (4/84)
“My partner is a retired headmaster of a prep school where he had the power to beat any small boy. He now spends a great deal of time and energy in contacting young men and women who are willing to be beaten, as this is the only way he can get sexually aroused.”
The Philadelphia Inquirer (4/10/95)
...He is 61, small, heavy, not particularly noticeable. Barbara, his second wife of 15 years, knows about his addiction and continuing recovery.
“If he’s late getting home, I get nervous,” she says. “I’m not concerned about him picking up a woman. I’m scared he’ll get caught being an exhibitionist.”
His father liked spanking him. It was humiliating and ritualistic, with his father always saying the slap of his hand on his son’s bottom “sounded like a drum or timpani.” His mother, 15 years younger than her husband, kept quiet. The result: “I’ve exhibited myself constantly with the attendant fantasy of a punishment scenario.” Spanking is what he sought. In fact, his first arrest was for soliciting two girls to spank him...
SUGGESTED READING
Charles, Jeffrey, Sin, Sex and Spanking School-Aged Children (1994). Online at www.nospank.net/s-chrls.htm.
Freud, Sigmund, “A Child is being Beaten: A Contribution to the Study of the Origin of Sexual Perversion” (1919). Reprinted in the Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud. (Consult a university library.)
Gibson, Ian, The English Vice. London: Duckworth, 1978.
Green, Gerald and Green, Caroline, S-M: The Last Taboo. New York: Grove Press, 1974.
Greven, Philip, Spare the Child: The Religious Roots of Punishment and the Psychological Impact of Physical Abuse. New York: Random House, 1991.
Hyman, I. A., Reading, Writing and the Hickory Stick: The Appalling Story of Physical and Psychological Violence in American Schools. Boston: Lexington Books, 1990.
Krafft-Ebing, Richard von, Psychopathia Sexualis. (1886) (Translated from the German. Consult a university library.)
Maurer, Adah, Paddles Away: A Psychological Study of Physical Punishment in Schools. Palo Alto: R&E Research Associates, 1981.
Miller, Alice, For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child Rearing and the Roots of Violence. New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 1983.
Newell, Peter, Children are People Too: The Case Against Physical Punishment. London: Bedford Square Press, 1989.
Scott, George Ryley, The History of Corporal Punishment. London: T. Werner Laurie, Ltd., 1938, Republication: Detroit: Gale Research Co., 1974.
“Spanking Can Be Sexual Abuse” (Compilation). Online at www. nospank.net/101.htm
Straus, Murray A., Beating the Devil out of Them: Corporal Punishment in American Families. New York: Free Press, 1994.
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Narrative Therapy was developed by Michael White and David Epston. Its central idea is:
The person never is the problem. The person has a problem.
A problem is something you have, not something you are. You don’t have to change your nature. You have to fight the influence of the problem on your life.
All of us need to select from the huge amount of information the world throws at us all the time. We need to organise what we see, hear, feel and remember into a meaningful ‘story’ or ‘picture’. This always introduces biases: we notice and remember things we find interesting, important, and in line with our beliefs, expectations and prejudices. We ignore, forget or play down things that are contrary to the way we see the world. So, things we notice and remember tend to confirm and strengthen our story about ourselves and our world.
This is fine for most people, because they live reasonably happily within their world. Problems arise when a person is stuck in a story that makes him/her, or others, unhappy. Examples are stories involving beliefs like:
"I am a violent person, have a short fuse (and can’t help it)".
"I am no good, useless, have no worth, no-one could possibly love me."
"The world is a terribly dangerous place and I am helpless in the face of its threats."
They all involve the belief that "there is something wrong with me".
Narrative therapy is a search for events which prove these beliefs to be false. There are always exceptions: events that occurred, but didn’t fit the story, so were ignored, played down or forgotten. They can be used to "write a new story", one that separates the problem from the way the person sees himself/herself. Once the problem is found and named, it can be fought. In the process, the person does not have to change. S/he discovers a past, an identity, that was always there, but hidden by the biases of the previous story. The new story liberates the person from the shackles of the problem.
I think in terms of the concepts of Narrative Therapy, and talk its language to clients.
Alice Miller, PhD in philosophy, psychology and sociology, as well as a researcher on childhood and author of twelve books, translated into thirty languages, has created this website with the goal to inform future parents and former victims about the disastrous consequences of child abuses, which can be prevented thanks to the information that is available today. Supported by a well equipped team she publishes here articles, interviews, flyers, and she answers to letters of readers of this website that refer to her works.
Child Mistreatment, Child Abuse
What is it?
Humiliations, spankings and beatings, slaps in the face, betrayal, sexual exploitation, derision, neglect, etc. are all forms of mistreatment, because they injure the integrity and dignity of a child, even if their consequences are not visible right away. However, as adults, most abused children will suffer (and let others suffer) from these injuries. Some victims of this dynamic of violence can - deformed into hangmen - take revenge even on whole nations and become willing executors to horrible dictators like Hitler and other cruel leaders. Beaten children learn very early the violence they endured, which they may glorify and apply later as parents by believing that they deserved the punishment and were beaten out of love. They don't know that the only reason for the punishments, which they have to endure, is the fact that their parents themselves endured and learned violence without being able to question it. Later, the adults, once abused children, beat - without intending it - their own children and often feel grateful to their parents who mistreated them when they were small and defenseless.
For that reason, society's ignorance remains so solid and parents continue to produce, in all "good will", in every generation severe pain and destructivity. Most people tolerate this blindly because the origins of human violence in childhood have been and are still being ignored worldwide. Almost all small children are smacked during the first three years of life when they begin to walk and to touch objects, which may not be touched. This happens exactly during a time when the human brain builds up its structure and should thus learn kindness, truthfulness, and love but never, never cruelty and lies. Fortunately, there are many mistreated children who find "helping witnesses" and can feel being loved by them.
RECOMMENDED READING
Intimacy in Marriage
Erika Voth
Augsburger, David. Sustaining Love: Healing and Growth in the Passages of Marriage. California: Regal Books, 1988. 216 pages. $19.45.
Helpful view of developmental stages in marriage. Describes four stages, each different with respect to goals, communication, feelings, differences, conflict, intimacy, roles and meaning. Marriages begin with a dream followed by disillusionment, discovery and depth. Helpful in stressing a theme of allowing freedom for spouses to develop their identity and autonomy and to allow for differences in marriage without the pressure for sameness. This growth model is helpful for couples wishing to identify in which stage they find themselves and what help is needed to move on in their relationship.
Buhrmester, Duane and Furman, Wyndol. “The Development of Companionship and Intimacy.” Child Development, 58 (1987): 1101-1113.
A research study helpful in studying the differences between preadolescent boys and girls in the development of intimacy. The sexual differences which are sometimes problematic in marriages have their source in a much earlier developmental stage of childhood.
Mason, Mike. The Mystery of Marriage. Oregon: Multnomah Press, 1985. 185 pages.
A book to challenge and stretch one’s view of marriage. The author’s spiritual view of marriage is not a simple set of rules but a rich meditation of marriage in relation to Christ, the Lord of marriage who holds the key to a satisfactory intimate relationship. {116}
Napier, Augustus Y. The Fragile Bond. New York: Harper and Row Publishers, 1988. 402 pages. $18.95.
An interesting book. Author draws extensively on his own marriage and examples from his counseling experience. Shows the many ways hidden childhood experiences—often forgotten—continue to intrude in the development of intimacy in marriage. Good reading for couples wanting to discover the way their experiences in their family of origin are re-enacted in subtle ways in their marriage.
Sternberg, Robert J. and Barnes, Michael L., (eds.). The Psychology of Love. New Haven and London: Yale University Press, 1988. 376 pages. $21.55.
An attempt to deal with the meaning of love in marriage. Most helpful is the chapter describing the three components of love: passion, intimacy and decision/commitment depicted in the form of a triangle. The triangle may be skewed depending on how well balanced the three components are. Although spiritual dimensions of love are omitted, the model is very helpful in working with couples in premarital counseling as well as later stages of marriage.
Waring, Edward M., M.D. Enhancing Marital Intimacy Through Facilitating Cognitive Self Disclosure. New York: Brunner/Mazel, Inc., 1988. 212 pages.
A helpful review of studies. Identifies eight facets of intimacy: conflict resolution, affection, cohesion, sexuality, identity, compatibility, autonomy and expressiveness as a way to resolving impasses preventing intimacy. Advocates “cognitive self-disclosure,” the expression of thoughts, beliefs, emotions. As spouses are helped to understand each other’s beliefs and values which were internalized at an early age and which have become the source of conflicts in marriage, intimacy can develop. Helpful for marriage counselors and lay ministers involved in helping couples.
FACTORS IN DEVELOPING AND MAINTAINING INTIMACY
1. Differences in early socialization affect intimacy in {117} marriage. People feel intimate when what is important to one’s self is engaged. For husbands, doing something with the wife gives them a feeling of closeness, whereas for wives, intimacy means talking about their experiences, their feelings and particularly about their marriage. This difference is noticeable in pre-adolescence. Girls form close friends with the same sex and talk about their feelings and share their “secrets,” whereas boys feel affirmed by engaging in activities with the same sex.
Often in courtship men seem to be more willing to talk in ways that build women’s sense of intimacy but after the wedding spend less time and are less willing to talk to their spouse. The degree to which both husbands and wives are able to disclose their thoughts, feelings, beliefs and attitudes are major factors in developing closeness.
2. Establishing satisfactory boundaries in marriage allows intimacy to develop. A wife who is dissatisfied with her marriage may become over-involved with her daughter when she feels her husband does not meet her needs. The husband may become over-involved in work or sports activities. As a result, the daughter, having learned that intimacy means closeness to a child and distance from the spouse, may repeat the same pattern in her marriage. A different example is of the spouse who has not fully left home. The emotional attachment or inability to be an “adult” in the family of origin precludes the couple from focusing on their relationship. They avoid intimacy by pouring their energy into solving problems with their family. To “leave and to cleave” and yet continue to have a healthy relationship with the family or origin is a challenge and task every individual must undertake.
3. A person’s level of self-confidence and self-esteem plays an important role in determining satisfactory intimacy. An individual with lower self-esteem is more dependent on others, and may soar with praise or be shattered with criticism. The expectations of a spouse with a delicate self image may not be realistic. However, when those expectations or conditions for love are not met, the marriage degenerates into irreconcilable differences and open strife.
4. The degree to which a relationship is balanced with commitment to the marriage, development of friendship, and sexual intimacy is a further criterion for a healthy marriage. These three characteristics may vary in intensity and balance over the life of a marriage, but the most satisfactory times are {118} those when a healthy balance is attained.
5. The spouses’ level of spiritual maturity often determines the extent to which each partner will be willing to grow and be taught. Individuals who are willing to grow spiritually are more prepared to pray that God will show them how to change instead of seeing their spouse as the source of their difficulties.
When intimacy in marriage is not achieved, often one spouse will actively pursue the other to meet expectations, while the other spouse will withdraw. Unmet expectations often lead to hurt and anger and eventually to bitterness. Spouses may finally reach an “island of invulnerability” and wrap themselves in a shell determined not to be hurt anymore. A separation may take place or the two resign themselves to live out the marriage unhappily.
Good pre-marital counseling and early interventions, particularly in the first year of marriage, are important. Patterns for marriage are most often established in the early phase and at this stage the relationship is most amenable to change.
Erika Voth, M.A., is a Psychologist and Director of New Hope Counseling Group, North Vancouver, British Columbia.
domestic violence in marriages
Item from the Smart Marriages Archive, reproduced in the Divorce Statistics Collection
January 28, 1999
Grand Rapids Press January 25, 1999
Living Together Risky for Young Women and Children
Roger Sider, M.D.
Far too many women and children in our community are victimized by
domestic violence each year. The increasing toll of this social
blight has been blamed on poverty, the ready availability of guns,
alcohol and substance abuse, the glorification of violence by
Hollywood, and by the persistence of a "macho" stereotype that equates
masculinity with power, control, and domination.
Yet there is growing evidence that an additional factor is at work
here: the large increase in young couples living together. Recent
studies from Canada, Great Britain, and here in the United States all
point to the same conclusion. Young women who live in a cohabiting
relationship with a male put themselves and their children at
significant risk of violence and abuse.
The evidence is convincing. Five U.S. studies found a one and one
half to two times greater frequency of domestic violence among
cohabiting couples than among married couples. Statscan, a Canadian
government agency, reported "in a one year period, one in every five
women who live in common law is assaulted- and those with male
partners under 25 are at most risk." A recent British study found
that child abuse was twenty times more common in cases where the
mother was cohabiting with a man other than her husband. When we
consider that before 1960, cohabitation was relatively uncommon and
that by the mid 1990s more than 50 percent of young couples were
choosing to cohabit either before or in place of marriage, it should
be no surprise that the incidence of domestic violence has increased.
Couples often explain that living together saves money and is a good
way to learn whether they are compatible enough for marriage. Men,
who more frequently want to avoid long-term commitments than women do,
are attracted by the benefits of female companionship without the
obligations of marriage.
The facts indicate, however, that living together may not be such a
good idea after all. Studies show that, on average, cohabiting
couples have more conflict in their relationship, are less sexually
fulfilled, and are less likely to have stable, satisfying marriages if
they do marry. When we add to these facts the sobering new findings
that cohabitation increases the risk of domestic violence, it suggests
that we should re-think the current view that living together is just
one of several available life-style choices.
Our community is right to condemn domestic violence, to punish those
who offend and to provide shelter and care for the victims. But we
need to do more by way of prevention. One step is to get the word
out. Cohabitation is risky- especially to young women and children.
If a man isn't husband material or if he refuses to marry, it may not
be a good idea to live with him either.
Dr. Sider is Executive Director of the Pine Rest Family Institute
and Vice-Chair of the Greater Grand Rapids Community Marriage Policy.
For the Smart Marriages Archive, go to http://lists.his.com/smartmarriages/
Or return to the Divorce Statistics Collection
When there is no trust in your marriage, you are headed for an abusive relationship or you may be in one already.
Trust is probably the most important ingredient in building an intimate relationship between husband and wife. Trust is something that can be cultivated and nurtured if you will follow the guidelines below.
I can sum up the essence of building trust in one idea: Create a safe emotional space for your spouse. If you are not actively working to build a safe emotional space, than you are probably building an unsafe one.
If you are not actively working to build a safe emotional space, then you are probably building an unsafe one.
A colleague of mine who is known for his wisdom as an educator in Los Angeles defines an abusive relationship in the following way. He suggests that an abusive relationship is one in which one person is afraid to express his or her feelings and opinions.
Needless to say, an abusive relationship is one where there is no trust. The key to avoiding abuse and promoting trust is to consciously strive everyday to build a safe emotional space. And let me say at the outset that, if you feel you are in an abusive relationship based on the definition I just gave, seek help immediately. Never tolerate abuse!
GUIDELINES FOR CREATING SAFE EMOTIONAL SPACE
Constantly work on improving your communication skills.
Develop the skill of being a good listener, which is one of the hardest skills to develop.
Being a good listener means you don't interrupt your spouse. This requires great discipline and respect. Learn to ask, "Are you finished?" Always make sure you've fully understood what the other person has said.
A simple tool to use for this is the well known "mirroring technique." You reflect back what the other person has said. It may sound a bit contrived but, believe me, it really works. What you have to learn to do is say something like, "Let me make sure that I've understood what you just said. It sounded to me that you want me to..."
If you are an "advanced" listener, try not only to reflect back the content, but the emotional tone as well. For example, "It seems you are really annoyed with me and you want me to be more careful the next time I..."
A crucial component of good communication is the consistent use "I-statements" as opposed to "you-statements." I statements unite, while you-statements alienate and create distance. An I-statement begins with "I feel ... " A you-statement begins with "You make me feel..."
A you-statement is almost always experienced as an attack. When I own my feelings and opinions by using an I-statement, I am communicating that I am taking responsibility for the issue and not blaming my spouse.
Take responsibility to express your needs and express them clearly and assertively.
When a person feels he or she cannot express their needs to the other person, then this leads to a break down in trust.
We often don't express our needs for two reasons. Either we are afraid of rejection or we are afraid of feeling ashamed for having such needs.
When a couple can express and meet each other's needs consistently this is one of the most powerful ways to build trust in a relationship.
Be positive and give pleasure.
We naturally trust people who treat us nicely and who seem to like us. It's very hard to distrust someone who seems to constantly be going out of his way to please you!
A key tool to use here is the "5 to 1 rule." This means that before you say anything negative to your spouse, you must have expressed at least five positive things. Only then, are you allowed to say something negative or critical.
Don't allow issues to go unresolved.
This requires that a husband and wife develop good problem solving skills. I can't tell you how many couples I've worked with whose problems are rooted in a lack of problem solving skills.
When issues don't get resolved, then resentments develop and fester. And when resentments develop then trust is lost.
Learn to fight fair.
Just in case you didn't know, fighting is a part of any good marriage! I mention this because there are some people who live with the naïve notion that in "good marriages" couples never fight. The problem is not that couples fight, but how they fight.
If you fight unfairly, then you destroy trust. If you fight fairly, you build trust. Here are a few important pointers to make sure that when you fight, you fight fair:
Never resort to name calling or putdowns.
Keep to the issue at hand. Never bring up old stuff that may be unresolved. The present fight is not a license to dump all your old garbage.
Never use phrases that are absolutes such as, "you never" or "you always."
Never bring the other person's family into the issue to support your case or to attack your spouse's.
Agree beforehand on a method how to take a time out if one of you feels that the fight is getting out of hand.
Don't start a fight later in the night, when you're both tired and therefore more likely to have less control over your emotions.
And again, do your best to use "I-statements" rather than "you-statements," which feel like attacks.
Trust is one thing that takes a long time to build and a very short time to destroy. Be careful how you treat each other. Many people wrongly believe that in a good marriage, you can "relax" and not have to monitor everything you say and do. Nothing could be farther from the truth.
In a good marriage, you must always be monitoring your behavior. This is the key to building a strong relationship and trust.
Five Steps to Romantic Love
Marriage can last a lifetime if couples apply two rules to their relationships: (1) Meet each other's most important emotional needs and (2) avoid hurting each other. Dr. Harley wrote the international best-seller, His Needs, Her Needs, to help couples learn to identify and meet each other's most important emotional needs. Then, he wrote Love Busters to help couples learn to avoid being the cause of each other's unhappiness.
Now, he has written Five Steps to Romantic Love to help couples apply the principles found in his first two books. The contracts, questionnaires, inventories and worksheets that Dr. Harley has used in his counseling practice are arranged in a logical sequence to help couples follow Dr. Harley's Five Steps:
make a commitment to overcome marital conflicts,
identify habits that cause unhappiness,
learn to overcome those habits,
identify the most important emotional needs, and
learn to meet those needs.
Follow these Five Steps to Romantic Love and you'll be on the road to having a marriage that is passionate and free of conflict. It's well worth the effort.
The Ritailn Crusade
by Courtney Heard
When I was in elementary school, I had endless trouble with schoolwork. I remember asking my mother for help with my math homework. With amazing patience she always tried, but I would never pay attention, and thus, never understood. I would get frustrated and yell and cry. I didn’t enjoy reading the books my teacher required me to. I was beyond the reading level of most kids my age and their books bored me. Worrying about punctuation just killed the thrill of writing for me. I could already spell as well as a high school student, so spelling lessons were agonizing. All this has followed me through until today. I can’t concentrate on conjugating Spanish verbs or the multiple uses of commas when there is an entire planet out there full of extraordinarily fulfilling things to do. Though it may sound like I’m complaining about myself, I wouldn’t give up this part of who I am for anything. I love that I would rather be asking my classmates about their heritage than listening to my professor explain how to write an essay, though according to the DSM-IV, I have a mental disorder because of this. I should, therefore, drug myself extensively to suppress my passionate love of life and people in order to be able to receive abstract rewards such as letter grades. In order to grasp algebra, I need drugs. Pardon my lack of academic grace, but what a crock! It’s not that I could never understand, but because algebra bored me to no end.
The bottom line is that I rub against the grain. I understand that some
things are unnecessary. I disrupt and irritate the curriculum. I think critically and question everything I am told regardless of the teller’s position of expertise. Some professionals would therefore, rejoice, the minute I ceased my criticism and incessant questioning. When an individual similar to myself is muted with ritalin, it makes a large sum of people extremely happy. Teachers, Administration, the doctor who makes the diagnosis, and of course the pharmaceutical Industry. Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) and Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) are creations of the education and mental health industries that reap endless benefits upon their professionals.
“ADD and ADHD are fraudulent labels that are too frequently applied to normal children with behavioral problems.” (Wittmier). In order to create a single, solid set of symptoms indicative of such a disorder, one must be able to define the term normal. This is virtually impossible as it differs across cultures, provinces, states, schools and even between classrooms. Normal is a subjective abstraction, which makes abnormal subjective as well. I cannot say that, because you are nothing like me, you are abnormal. There is no global definition of these terms, though the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) claims to have one.
According to the DSM-IV, Attention-Defecit and disruptive behavior disorders are characterized by failure “to give close attention to details or may make careless mistakes in schoolwork or other tasks ... Hyperactivity may be manifested by fidgetiness or squirming in one’s seat, by not remaining seated when expected to do so.” (American, 78-79). Also mentioned in the first edition of the DSM is dysathesia aethiopica, a disorder found in slaves. “The symptoms of this included destroying property on the plantation, being disobedient, talking back, refusing to work, and fighting back when beaten.” (Wade & Tavris, 578). According to the DSM-IV, sometimes referred to as the “Bible of Psychology” (Wade & Tavris, 578), this behavior is abnormal. Normal would therefore, be marked in children as a fondness of school and an actual desire to be in class, and in slaves as total submission (Wade & Tavris, 578).
When some people see a child who has unlimited energy, curiosity, and fickle, sometimes unrealistic ambition, they become envious. “Ahh, to be young again” is a commonly used phrase that reflects this. Others see a
problem. Imagine a busy, working mother whose son or daughter is easily excited and difficult to keep track of. Imagine that child’s teacher, who has thirty other children to keep in line every day, not to mention his or her own personal life to keep. The level of difficulty rises for this teacher when a
student expels his or her energy in class. A teacher in such a situation might find him or herself overwhelmed with responsibility and tasks. Along comes the DSM-IV and the wonder drug, ritalin. It can be supposed a teacher in this situation would view it as a godsend. “Prescribed merely for normal rambunctiousness or used to avoid having to correct deficiencies in schools.” (Harvard, 6), ritalin can become a tool for the teacher, with as important a function as chalk and blackboards. A teacher with thirty students doesn’t have time to give one-on-one attention to each student. Considering that in 1999, 4 million American children were on ritalin (Johnson), chances are high that in each class of thirty students there is more than one child who has been diagnosed or will be diagnosed with ADD or ADHD and thus, more than one “problem” for the teacher.
In fact, very few children who have been diagnosed with either disorder were actually diagnosed properly. A lot of the time, children are diagnosed by teachers or parents. It’s no coincidence these are the people who will benefit most from having a hyperactive child calmed with drugs. “Experts say
frustrated parents, agitated day-care workers and ten-minute pediatric visits all contribute to quick fixes for emotional and behavioral problems” (Kalb, 53).
There are a number of possible causes for symptoms of these two disorders, including high lead levels in the blood, allergies (NIS), and problems at home. A child suffering ongoing abuse cannot be expected to properly pay attention to multiplication tables. However, most diagnoses of ADD and ADHD occur after an extremely short period of time, such as brief visits to the doctor, that allow no room for extensive physical and emotional examination.
Along with possible physical causes, the child’s development level, is often looked over. Children as young as two have been prescribed ritalin. “The use of certain psychotropic drugs ... in 2- to 4-year-olds doubled or even tripled between 1991 and 1995.” (Kalb, 53) The famous psychologist, Erik Erikson, outlined some main stages of healthy personality development. Each stage is characterized by a dominating crisis. In the second of these stages, a young child takes on characteristics that coincide with symptoms of ADD or ADHD. Basically put, what the DSM-IV deems “abnormal”, Erikson deems “normal”, even healthy. (Erikson, 63)
A child as young as two, therefore, showing normal, healthy signs of development has a good chance of being prescribed harmful drugs. The drugs used to treat ADD and ADHD, as with any drug, have dangerous side-effects. These include depression, nervousness, insomnia, impaired thinking ability, memory loss, suppression of growth in the body and brain, permanent neurological tics, including Tourette’s Syndrome, addiction, decreased learning ability (Breggin) and even death. In the cases of Stephanie Hall, 12, Cameron Pettus, 14, and Jonathan Bain, 14, the latter occurred. Stephanie was on ritalin, Cameron was on desipramine, a drug used as an alternative to ritalin, and Jonathan was on Cylert which is used to treat ADD and ADHD (Wittmeier, 29).
Ritalin itself is almost exactly the same as cocaine in the sense that, when abused, it produces the same effects as cocaine, and also produces the same side-effects. When used non-medically, ritalin is crushed and snorted like cocaine or dissolved, cooked and injected like heroin (Indiana). Cocaine is an illegal drug almost everywhere, and related horror stories are inescapable. Adults go to jail for merely having the tiniest amount of cocaine on their person, but for some reason, it’s perfectly acceptable for a two-year-old to be given ritalin on a regular basis.
Due to the fact that so many children are on ritalin, the drug’s makers have something to lose if this treatment were suddenly regarded as unethical. “Sales of Ritalin are not made public by its maker, Ciba-Geigy, but are believed to be greater than $100 million a year, according to David
Molowa, an analyst with Bear Stearns & Co. in New York.” (Sevrens & Shippen). This statement was made in 1996. Taking into account the annual rise of ADHD diagnoses is approximately 21% (Johnson, 61), four years later Ciba-Geigy would be making more than $184 million per year on ritalin sales alone, and that figure does not take into account inflation.
The industries we trust with our children’s lives are abusing this trust. Medical, mental health, education and pharmaceutical professionals are believed to possess the wisdom of well-being. When they tell us to do
something, often times we do it without question because they’ve been through years of training. They, of all people, should know what’s best. So
why are the most fragile of our species being treated with drugs likened to cocaine? “Clinicians are most likely to diagnose a disorder once they have a
treatment for it ... Give them the instruments to diagnose disorders, and everything they run into will need treatment.” (Wade & Tavris, 580). This is in reference to the DSM-IV. Before the DSM included criteria for diagnosis of Multiple Personality Disorder, less than 200 cases existed. As soon as the DSM included this information, diagnoses for this disorder skyrocketed (Wade & Tavris, 580). In the United States of America in 1991, the Federal Department of Education passed legislation that allowed for hundreds of dollars in grant money for schools with each case of ADHD. Since that legislation has passed, ADHD diagnoses of school children shot up drastically by an estimated 21 percent a year (Johnson, 61).
Clearly there are people who benefit each time a child is diagnosed with Attention Deficit disorder or Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity disorder and subsequently treated with drugs. The teachers no longer have class clowns, visitors to the principal’s office are few, schools get additional funding, psychologists become specialists and the pharmaceutical industry makes billions and billions of dollars. With the trust we, as humans, have in these
professionals, they could make anything into a disorder, from the unwillingness to submit to slavery to “caffeine-induced sleep disorder” (Wade & Tavris, 580). They can make parents lose sleep at night because they think there is something drastically wrong with their child. They can get
parents into such a frenzy that giving their child a cocaine-like drug seems rational. The fact that they are capable of this is not a surprise. A lot of humanity is as vicious as a rabid dog, greedy by nature, willing to do anything no matter who it hurts to get ahead. The one thing that cannot be overlooked any longer, is that the professionals in charge of these children’s lives are human, too. They aren’t perfection. Parents cannot posses blind faith in a diagnosis simply because the man who came to that diagnosis is a certified doctor, especially if it comes only after a half hour consultation. Faced with a chance to get ahead, the probability that doctors, pharmacists, and teachers will take this opportunity is no different from any other human being.
Works Cited
1. Wittmeier, Carmen. “More Reasons Not To Drug Kids”. Alberta Report / Newsmagazine. 10/11/99: p29.
2. American Psychiatric Association. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (4th ed.). 1994: Washington, DC.
3. Wade, Carole & Tavris, Carol. Psychology (5th ed.). 1998: New York, NY.
4. Harvard Mental Health Letter. “Is Ritalin Underused?”. 04/00: p6.
5. Johnson. “Time To Stop Drugging Children”. Denver Business Journal. 10/29/99: p61A.
6. Kalb, Claudia. “Drugged-out Toddlers”. Newsweek. 03/06/00: p53.
7. NIS information sheet : Attention Deficit Disorders (ADDs). 1995: p1.
8. Erikson, Erik H. Identity and the Life Cycle (Reissue). 1980: Toronto, ON.
9. Indiana Prevention Resource Center. Factline on Non-Medical Use of Ritalin (methylphenidate) Factline Number 9. November, 1995
10. Breggin, Peter R., M.D. Talking Back to Ritalin. 1998: Monroe, Maine.
11. Sevrens, Julie & Shippen, Julie. “Ritalin can work wonders - but is the remedy too routine?”. Knight-Ridder News Service. 09/06/00.
The short answer is a resounding YES. Getting married without pre-marriage prep is like starting a business or any important venture without preparing. Half of all marriages end in divorce, and only half of those that endure are truly happy in the long run. Many happy engaged couples assume that they won't be contributing to these statistics. But, if you just wing it and count on your luck to make your marriage a success, your odds are only one in four. There is another way.
Most couples just don't realize that good, skill-based pre-marriage counseling or classes can reduce the risk of divorce by up to thirty percent and lead to a significantly happier marriage, according to marriage research. It can also reduce the stress of the pre-wedding period. Just a little effort now can make your odds a whole lot better over the long run. You want to do everything you can to ensure that your dreams of a great marriage and a great life are realized.
Pre-marriage preparation is based on the reality that it's important to strengthen your relationship and prepare constructively for future challenges and conflicts that everyone will inevitably face at some point in their marriage, now while you have so much fresh positive energy in your relationship. Don't stick your head in the sand. The research shows that there is a window of opportunity during the year before the wedding and the six months or so after when couples get the optimum benefit from marriage preparation. Later, under stress, negative habits and relationship patterns may become established and be much harder to resolve.
Couples now face more demands and have fewer supports than ever before. The typical complex marriage - managing two careers while rearing children - really requires that couples have very strong, well-established abilities to communicate, resolve issues, maintain mutuality and set goals. Without this foundation, it's easy to feel overwhelmed by stress and time pressures. Problems can intrude much more easily than most couples realize. As much as it's important to come to terms with unrealistically positive expectations, those who grew up with divorced or unhappily married parents may find that they have unacknowledged and unexplored expectations that their marriage, too, may become unhappy. Marriage preparation functions as an immunization that boosts your capacity to handle potential difficulties. Couples need every advantage to succeed in today's marriages.
What Is Pre-Marriage Preparation and Counseling?
Most commonly, those couples who do receive some premarital counseling get it from their religious adviser. This can range from one or two meetings to an extended series of sessions. Sometimes an assessment inventory and skills training are included, often they are not. Non-religious professional counselors also provide premarital counseling services. Again, the content and amount of service depends on the orientation of the counselor and what you ask for. Often it doesn't cover all the preparation that couples need.
Marriage preparation classes or workshops are an alternative or supplementary approach to educating engaged couples and newlyweds in the skills, habits, attitudes, and enrichment techniques that research shows lead to happy, enduring marriages. Such marriage preparation programs, are education, not therapy. Like premarital counseling, some of these classes have religious sponsors while others are secular. You might consider them in many ways analogous to career counseling. They address the normal issues and challenges that all couples face in the course of their marriage. Some people think that marriage preparation is well on the way to becoming as commonplace as driver's training or test preparation.
Susan Piver's, The Hard Questions: 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say I Do is on the bestseller list. A marriage prep program can give couples the benefit of a supportive environment and framework in which to ask these questions and some skills to deal with the answers.
Whatever marriage prep couples choose - religion-based or religion-neutral, counseling or class -- should include activities to give them real skills, real expectations and real knowledge of self and partner to face the inevitable challenges of a committed relationship.
What to Look For in Pre-Marriage Programs and Counselors
Here's a concise list of seven relationship skill and knowledge areas that research has shown to contribute to the success and endurance of marriage:
· Compatibility
· Expectations
· Personalities and families-of-origin
· Communication
· Conflict resolution
· Intimacy and sexuality
· Long-term goals
Make sure that the pre-marriage counseling or prep you choose covers all of these. Here are some questions to help you select the pre-marriage prep that's right for you:
· Does it include an assessment inventory to help you understand your areas of compatibility and strength, as well as areas you may need to address?
· How many couples will attend the class or workshop? A small group setting is higher quality, more engaging and individualized than large classes. On the other hand, it can also be more comprehensive, systematic and skill-based than most pastoral or couples counseling. A group experience can also be more involving and stimulating than individual counseling.
· Does the program focus specifically on the needs of engaged couples and newlyweds? Some marriage skills programs mix troubled couples from later stages of marriage in the same class. This can detract from the experience for engaged couples and newlyweds.
· Is the class or counseling approach flexible enough to allow for your relationship and learning style or is it a one-size-fits-all program? It's best to practice specific communication, conflict resolution and goal-setting skills and strategies, and then select those skills and strategies that are most congruent with your relationship style and best meet your needs.
· Is the content based on marriage research?
· Will the counseling or class help you and your partner agree on goals and strategies for managing and continuing to work on your most important unresolved issues?
The answers to these questions will help you approach selecting your premarital classes and counseling as an educated consumer.
If a couple's premarital counseling with a religious advisor or lay professional does not address some important areas, the couple should think about supplementing with a program that does. Many couples use marriage prep and counseling in combination, covering the foundation issues and skills in a class or workshop, then focusing on religious or other special issues in their counseling.
Patty & Greg Kuhlman
Marriage Success Training Marriage Prep Workshops
718-622-8380
866-704-6565
mst@StayHitched.com
