6 Behaviors that Increase Self-Esteem
6 Behaviors that Increase Self-Esteem
by Denis Waitley
Learn more about Denis at: www.DenisWaitleySpecials.com
Following are six behaviors that increase self-esteem, enhance your self-confidence, and spur your motivation. You may recognize some of them as things you naturally do in your interactions with other people. But if you don’t, I suggest you motivate yourself to take some of these important steps immediately.
First, greet others with a smile and look them directly in the eye. A smile and direct eye contact convey confidence born of self-respect. In the same way, answer the phone pleasantly whether at work or at home, and when placing a call, give your name before asking to speak to the party you want to reach. Leading with your name underscores that a person with self-respect is making the call.
Second, always show real appreciation for a gift or complement. Don’t downplay or sidestep expressions of affection or honor from others. The ability to accept or receive is a universal mark of an individual with solid self-esteem.
Third, don’t brag. It’s almost a paradox that genuine modesty is actually part of the capacity to gracefully receive compliments. People who brag about their own exploits or demand special attention are simply trying to build themselves up in the eyes of others — and that’s because they don’t perceive themselves as already worthy of respect.
Fourth, don’t make your problems the centerpiece of your conversation. Talk positively about your life and the progress you’re trying to make. Be aware of any negative thinking, and take notice of how often you complain. When you hear yourself criticize someone — and this includes self-criticism — find a way to be helpful instead of critical.
Fifth, respond to difficult times or depressing moments by increasing your level of productive activity. When your self-esteem is being challenged, don’t sit around and fall victim to “paralysis by analysis.” The late Malcolm Forbes said, “Vehicles in motion use their generators to charge their own batteries. Unless you happen to be a golf cart, you can’t recharge your battery when you’re parked in the garage!”
Sixth, choose to see mistakes and rejections as opportunities to learn. View a failure as the conclusion of one performance, not the end of your entire career. Own up to your shortcomings, but refuse to see yourself as a failure. A failure may be something you have done — and it may even be something you’ll have to do again on the way to success — but a failure is definitely not something you are.
Even if you’re at a point where you’re feeling very negatively about yourself, be aware that you’re now ideally positioned to make rapid and dramatic improvement. A negative self-evaluation, if it’s honest and insightful, takes much more courage and character than the self-delusions that underlie arrogance and conceit. I’ve seen the truth of this proven many times in my work with athletes. After an extremely poor performance, a team or an individual athlete often does much better the next time out, especially when the poor performance was so bad that there was simply no way to shirk responsibility for it. Disappointment, defeat, and even apparent failure are in no way permanent conditions unless we choose to make them so. On the contrary, these undeniably painful experiences can be the solid foundation on which to build future success.
Labels: 6 Behaviors that Increase Self-Esteem
Family Systems Theory
The family systems theory is a theory introduced by Dr. Murray Bowen that suggests that individuals cannot be understood in isolation from one another, but rather as a part of their family, as the family is an emotional unit. Families are systems of interconnected and interdependent individuals, none of whom can be understood in isolation from the system.
The family system
According to Bowen, a family is a system in which each member had a role to play and rules to respect. Members of the system are expected to respond to each other in a certain way according to their role, which is determined by relationship agreements. Within the boundaries of the system, patterns develop as certain family member's behavior is caused by and causes other family member's behaviors in predictable ways. Maintaining the same pattern of behaviors within a system may lead to balance in the family system, but also to dysfunction. For example, if a husband is depressive and cannot pull himself together, the wife may need to take up more responsibilities to pick up the slack. The change in roles may maintain the stability in the relationship, but it may also push the family towards a different equilibrium. This new equilibrium may lead to dysfunction as the wife may not be able to maintain this overachieving role over a long period of time.
There are eight interlocking concepts in Dr. Bowen's theory:
Triangles: The smallest stable relationship system. Triangles usually have one side in conflict and two sides in harmony, contributing to the development of clinical problems.
Differentiation of self: The variance in individuals in their susceptibility to depend on others for acceptance and approval.
Nuclear family emotional system: The four relationship patterns that define where problems may develop in a family.
- Marital conflict
- Dysfunction in one spouse
- Impairment of one or more children
- Emotional distance
Family projection process: The transmission of emotional problems from a parent to a child.
Multigenerational transmission process: The transmission of small differences in the levels of differentiation between parents and their children.
Emotional cutoff: The act of reducing or cutting off emotional contact with family as a way managing unresolved emotional issues.
Sibling position: The impact of sibling position on development and behavior.
Societal emotional process: The emotional system governs behavior on a societal level, promoting both progressive and regressive periods in a society.
Many of these concepts are discussed in the context of genograms in the book Genograms: Assessment and Intervention by Monica McGoldrick, Randy Gerson and Sylvia Shellenberger.
Family systems therapy
One of the best ways to begin therapy and to gain understanding of how the emotional system operates in your family system is to put together your family genogram. Studying your own patterns of behavior, and how they relate to those of your multigenerational family, reveals new and more effective options for solving problems and for changing your response to the automatic role you are expected to play.
Creating a family genogram
GenoPro is a unique software perfectly suited for creating quick computer-generated genograms. By entering key information, such as names of family members, key life events, emotional relationships, and social relationships, the user can easily create a multi-generational genogram of their family system or of their patient's family system. The genogram thus created becomes a graphical picture of the family, helping the user to identify patterns of behavior and dysfunctions that need to be addressed.
Labels: Family Systems Theory
Five Mistakes I Make in My Marriage.
Every Wednesday is Tip Day, or List or Quiz Day.
This Wednesday: 5 big mistakes I make in my marriage, and how I try to address them.
One of the main twelve themes of my happiness project is marriage. For me, as with many people, my marriage is one of the most central elements in my life and my happiness.
When I started my happiness project, and I reflected about the changes I wanted to make -- as well as the resolutions I wanted to keep in order to bring about those changes -- I realized I had five particular problem areas in my marriage. Here they are, along with the strategies I try to use to address them:
1. My demand for gold stars. Oh, how I crave appreciation and recognition! I always want that gold star stuck to my homework. But my husband just isn’t very good at handing out gold stars, and that makes me feel angry and unappreciated.
I figured out a good strategy. I used to tell myself I was doing nice things for him – “He’ll be so happy to see that I put all the books away,” “He’ll be so pleased that I finally got the trunk packed for camp” etc. – then I’d be mad when he wasn’t appreciative. Now I tell myself that I’m doing these things because I want to do them. “Wow, the kitchen cabinets look great!” “I’m so organized to have bought all the supplies in advance!” Because I do things for myself, he doesn’t have to notice. This sounds like a more self-centered approach, but it’s really much better.
2. Using a snappish tone. I have a very short fuse and become irritable extremely easily – but my husband really doesn’t like it when I snap at him (big surprise). I’ve done a lot to try to keep my temper in check. I don’t let myself get too hungry or too cold (I fall into these states very easily); I try to keep our apartment in reasonable order, because a mess makes me crabby; when he tries to make a joke out of my temper, I try to laugh along; I try to control my voice to keep it light and cheery instead of accusatory and impatient. Confession: I haven’t made much headway here.
3. Getting angry about a fixed trait. This is very, very tough. One of the things I’ve learned from my happiness project is that you can’t change anyone but yourself, and while there are some things I’d love to change about my husband, those things aren’t going to change. He isn’t going to get better about answering my emails. He is going to keep making rich desserts that tempt me. Etc. Instead of getting all worked up, as I often do, I’m trying to remind myself of HOW SMALL his flaws are, in the scheme of things.
4. Score-keeping. I’m a score-keeper, always calculating who has done what. “I cleaned up the kitchen, so you have to run to the store” -- that sort of thing. I’ve found two ways to try to deal with this tendency.
First, I remind myself of the phenomenon of unconscious over-claiming; i.e., we unconsciously overestimate our contributions or skills relative to other people’s. This makes sense, because of course we’re far more aware of what we do than what other people do. According to Jonathan Haidt’s The Happiness Hypothesis, “when husbands and wives estimate the percentage of housework each does, their estimates total more than 120 percent.”
I complain about the time I spend organizing babysitting or paying bills, but I overlook the time my husband spends dealing with our car or food-shopping. It’s easy to see that over-claiming leads to resentment and an inflated sense of entitlement. So now when I find myself thinking, “I’m the only one around here who bothers to…” or “Why do I always have to be the one who…?” I remind myself of all the tasks I don’t do.
Second, I remind myself of the words of my spiritual master, St. Therese of Lisieux: “When one loves, one does not calculate.” That precept is the basis for my 11th Personal Commandment: No calculation.
5. Taking my husband for granted. Just as I find it easily to overlook the chores done by my husband (see #4), it’s easy for me to forget to appreciate his many virtues and instead focus on his flaws (see #3). For example, although I find it hard to resist using an irritable tone, my husband almost never speaks harshly, and that's really a wonderful trait. I’m trying to stay alert to all the things I love about him, and let go of my petty annoyances. This is easier said than done.
I’ve found that working to keep my resolution to Kiss more, hug more, touch more is an effective way to help me stay in loving, appreciative frame of mind.
What are some mistakes you make in your marriage or long-term relationship? Have you found any great strategies for addressing them?Five Mistakes I Make in My Marriage.
Every Wednesday is Tip Day, or List or Quiz Day.
This Wednesday: 5 big mistakes I make in my marriage, and how I try to address them.
One of the main twelve themes of my happiness project is marriage. For me, as with many people, my marriage is one of the most central elements in my life and my happiness.
When I started my happiness project, and I reflected about the changes I wanted to make -- as well as the resolutions I wanted to keep in order to bring about those changes -- I realized I had five particular problem areas in my marriage. Here they are, along with the strategies I try to use to address them:
1. My demand for gold stars. Oh, how I crave appreciation and recognition! I always want that gold star stuck to my homework. But my husband just isn’t very good at handing out gold stars, and that makes me feel angry and unappreciated.
I figured out a good strategy. I used to tell myself I was doing nice things for him – “He’ll be so happy to see that I put all the books away,” “He’ll be so pleased that I finally got the trunk packed for camp” etc. – then I’d be mad when he wasn’t appreciative. Now I tell myself that I’m doing these things because I want to do them. “Wow, the kitchen cabinets look great!” “I’m so organized to have bought all the supplies in advance!” Because I do things for myself, he doesn’t have to notice. This sounds like a more self-centered approach, but it’s really much better.
2. Using a snappish tone. I have a very short fuse and become irritable extremely easily – but my husband really doesn’t like it when I snap at him (big surprise). I’ve done a lot to try to keep my temper in check. I don’t let myself get too hungry or too cold (I fall into these states very easily); I try to keep our apartment in reasonable order, because a mess makes me crabby; when he tries to make a joke out of my temper, I try to laugh along; I try to control my voice to keep it light and cheery instead of accusatory and impatient. Confession: I haven’t made much headway here.
3. Getting angry about a fixed trait. This is very, very tough. One of the things I’ve learned from my happiness project is that you can’t change anyone but yourself, and while there are some things I’d love to change about my husband, those things aren’t going to change. He isn’t going to get better about answering my emails. He is going to keep making rich desserts that tempt me. Etc. Instead of getting all worked up, as I often do, I’m trying to remind myself of HOW SMALL his flaws are, in the scheme of things.
4. Score-keeping. I’m a score-keeper, always calculating who has done what. “I cleaned up the kitchen, so you have to run to the store” -- that sort of thing. I’ve found two ways to try to deal with this tendency.
First, I remind myself of the phenomenon of unconscious over-claiming; i.e., we unconsciously overestimate our contributions or skills relative to other people’s. This makes sense, because of course we’re far more aware of what we do than what other people do. According to Jonathan Haidt’s The Happiness Hypothesis, “when husbands and wives estimate the percentage of housework each does, their estimates total more than 120 percent.”
I complain about the time I spend organizing babysitting or paying bills, but I overlook the time my husband spends dealing with our car or food-shopping. It’s easy to see that over-claiming leads to resentment and an inflated sense of entitlement. So now when I find myself thinking, “I’m the only one around here who bothers to…” or “Why do I always have to be the one who…?” I remind myself of all the tasks I don’t do.
Second, I remind myself of the words of my spiritual master, St. Therese of Lisieux: “When one loves, one does not calculate.” That precept is the basis for my 11th Personal Commandment: No calculation.
5. Taking my husband for granted. Just as I find it easily to overlook the chores done by my husband (see #4), it’s easy for me to forget to appreciate his many virtues and instead focus on his flaws (see #3). For example, although I find it hard to resist using an irritable tone, my husband almost never speaks harshly, and that's really a wonderful trait. I’m trying to stay alert to all the things I love about him, and let go of my petty annoyances. This is easier said than done.
I’ve found that working to keep my resolution to Kiss more, hug more, touch more is an effective way to help me stay in loving, appreciative frame of mind.
What are some mistakes you make in your marriage or long-term relationship? Have you found any great strategies for addressing them?
Labels: Five Mistakes I Make in My Marriage.
Strategies for Happiness
Simple Laughter Strategy
Have you ever wondered how some people seem to find humor in almost everything. Here's a simple strategy
1. Imagine that you are your favorite comedy character (I'll use Homer Simpson, of TV show The Simpsons here). Totally immerse yourself in the experience of being them.
2. Given a situation, what would Homer see, hear, feel and then say? Go on be silly about it.
That is it!
Here are a few of my favorite lines from the show...
Homer: Why do you think your mother and I sleep on the same bed?
Bart: Because we are poor?
Homer: Exactly...and we are poor because we have children.
Tarzan and Jane Playmates
Use the Simple Laughter Strategy to laugh yourself silly and be playful with your partner. People grow fond of people that they spend laughter-filled good times with. You become an anchor for fun, joyful feelings for your partner.
Try putting this one above every mirror in your house: "This person is not to be taken seriously!"
Instant Endorphine Release
1. Remember a time when you felt totally happy and at peace. Return fully to that time now, seeing what you saw, hearing what you heard and feeling how good you felt.
(If you can't remember a specific time, just imagine how much better your life would be if you were totally happy and peaceful right now - if you had all the peace, love and contentment you could ever want.)
2. Now make the colors brighter and richer, the sounds louder, and allow your feelings of happiness to intensify.
3. Notice where that feeling of happiness is strongest in your body Give this feeling of happiness a color, and move that color up to the top of your head and down
to the tip of your toes. Double the brightness. Double it again!
4. You can visualize the endorphins like little dolphins at play in your bloodstream, happily swimming from cell to cell. Or feel the flow of endorphins like a river of golden honey throughout your body.
5. Repeat steps 2-4 at least five more times. Vividly imagine in detail that event where you are happy, again and again You can use the same happy experience or add in new ones each time.
- More from Change your Life in 7 Days
Being in Present Time
The following is an NLP process.
1. Close your eyes.
2. Ask you unconscious mind, where your past memories are stored.
3. Ask your unconscious mind, where events that are meant to occur in the future are stored.
4. Connect both positions into a line, which then becomes your time line.
5. Let your unconscious mind transport all events that are meant for the PAST away from the NOW to the PAST.
6. Let your unconscious mind transport all events that are meant for the FUTURE away from the NOW to the FUTURE.
7. Enjoy the freedom that comes with being in the NOW.
8. Open your eyes and come to the room.
Being Grateful for What You Already Have
Complete the following sentences. It is best to write/type them out.
What I like about myself ...
What I have going pretty well in my life ...
What I like about my partner ...
I am grateful to Spirit/God from the bottom of my heart for all the above-mentioned blessings. I am so blessed and lucky! Thank you very much!
Smiling Practice
The mind and body are connected. your state of mind affects your body posture and vice versa. So practice smiling - nothing flashy, just a gentle slight smile. Before you go to bed, do it with a smile. Doing this as a habit actually shapes the muscles of your face so that you look like you are smiling naturally!
Singing
Singing is another activity that changes your state. Go on an whistle a tune or sing your favorite song.
Reframe a Negative Experience with Humor
Click here to find out how to reframe negative experiences.
For the not-so good times, reframe the experience by saying:
"I refuse to be intimidated by reality"
"It could be worse. I could be pregnant"
"What an opportunity for learning and growth"
"Beam me up, Scotty"
Humor Visualization
1. Relax and close your eyes and take a deep breath.
2. Focus on your breath. Imagine it entering a tube that is connected to a large, inflatable clown. With each exhalation your clown gets bigger and bigger. Now, take a closer look at your clown. Notice how large it is. Notice its colors... the makeup. What gender is it? Is it wearing a hat? Does your clown have a name? What is your clown's most interesting feature? Take time to get a clear picture of your clown.
3. Now focus on your breath again. With each breath you take, your clown keeps getting bigger and bigger and bigger. In fact, your clown has become as big as a weather balloon, maybe even bigger.
4. Your clown is always with you to help you lighten up your problems. Remember: Nothing, no problem, is too big for this gigantic clown.
5. In a moment, your clown is going to give you some advice on how to lighten up a problem or difficulty you are having. Do not judge your clown's answer. It may not be what you thought your clown would say, but just accept the answer. Just listen.
Ask your clown how you can see some humor in what appears to be a humorless situation. Listen for the answer now.
6. When you have an answer, thank the clown for listening to your problem and showing you how to lighten it up.
Thank yourself for participating in this process and know that whenever you need a lighthearted solution, whenever you are feeling stressed, whenever you feel lost for an answer, just ask your clown. It is as close to you as your breath. All you need to do to contact your clown is to breathe into it.
7. Now, when you are ready, say good-bye to your clown and bring your focus to your breath again. Let it settle to a quiet, even pace.
Laughter Affirmation
I shall get one more bit of laughter in my life today.
I am thankful for the joyous things in my life. Ha. Ha. Ha.
Credit:
- The Healing Power of Humor, Allen Klein
Always Look on the Bright Side of Life (from Monty Python)
words and music by Eric Idle
Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best...
And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...
If life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.
And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...
For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin
Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow.
So always look on the bright side of death
Just before you draw your terminal breath
Life's a piece of shit
When you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true.
You'll see it's all a show
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.
And always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the right side of life...
(Come on guys, cheer up!)
Always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the bright side of life...
(Worse things happen at sea, you know.)
Always look on the bright side of life...
(I mean - what have you got to lose?)
(You know, you come from nothing - you're going back to nothing.
What have you lost? Nothing!)
Always look on the right side of life...
Labels: Strategies for Happiness
Strategies for Happiness
Simple Laughter Strategy
Have you ever wondered how some people seem to find humor in almost everything. Here's a simple strategy
1. Imagine that you are your favorite comedy character (I'll use Homer Simpson, of TV show The Simpsons here). Totally immerse yourself in the experience of being them.
2. Given a situation, what would Homer see, hear, feel and then say? Go on be silly about it.
That is it!
Here are a few of my favorite lines from the show...
Homer: Why do you think your mother and I sleep on the same bed?
Bart: Because we are poor?
Homer: Exactly...and we are poor because we have children.
Tarzan and Jane Playmates
Use the Simple Laughter Strategy to laugh yourself silly and be playful with your partner. People grow fond of people that they spend laughter-filled good times with. You become an anchor for fun, joyful feelings for your partner.
Try putting this one above every mirror in your house: "This person is not to be taken seriously!"
Instant Endorphine Release
1. Remember a time when you felt totally happy and at peace. Return fully to that time now, seeing what you saw, hearing what you heard and feeling how good you felt.
(If you can't remember a specific time, just imagine how much better your life would be if you were totally happy and peaceful right now - if you had all the peace, love and contentment you could ever want.)
2. Now make the colors brighter and richer, the sounds louder, and allow your feelings of happiness to intensify.
3. Notice where that feeling of happiness is strongest in your body Give this feeling of happiness a color, and move that color up to the top of your head and down
to the tip of your toes. Double the brightness. Double it again!
4. You can visualize the endorphins like little dolphins at play in your bloodstream, happily swimming from cell to cell. Or feel the flow of endorphins like a river of golden honey throughout your body.
5. Repeat steps 2-4 at least five more times. Vividly imagine in detail that event where you are happy, again and again You can use the same happy experience or add in new ones each time.
- More from Change your Life in 7 Days
Being in Present Time
The following is an NLP process.
1. Close your eyes.
2. Ask you unconscious mind, where your past memories are stored.
3. Ask your unconscious mind, where events that are meant to occur in the future are stored.
4. Connect both positions into a line, which then becomes your time line.
5. Let your unconscious mind transport all events that are meant for the PAST away from the NOW to the PAST.
6. Let your unconscious mind transport all events that are meant for the FUTURE away from the NOW to the FUTURE.
7. Enjoy the freedom that comes with being in the NOW.
8. Open your eyes and come to the room.
Being Grateful for What You Already Have
Complete the following sentences. It is best to write/type them out.
What I like about myself ...
What I have going pretty well in my life ...
What I like about my partner ...
I am grateful to Spirit/God from the bottom of my heart for all the above-mentioned blessings. I am so blessed and lucky! Thank you very much!
Smiling Practice
The mind and body are connected. your state of mind affects your body posture and vice versa. So practice smiling - nothing flashy, just a gentle slight smile. Before you go to bed, do it with a smile. Doing this as a habit actually shapes the muscles of your face so that you look like you are smiling naturally!
Singing
Singing is another activity that changes your state. Go on an whistle a tune or sing your favorite song.
Reframe a Negative Experience with Humor
Click here to find out how to reframe negative experiences.
For the not-so good times, reframe the experience by saying:
"I refuse to be intimidated by reality"
"It could be worse. I could be pregnant"
"What an opportunity for learning and growth"
"Beam me up, Scotty"
Humor Visualization
1. Relax and close your eyes and take a deep breath.
2. Focus on your breath. Imagine it entering a tube that is connected to a large, inflatable clown. With each exhalation your clown gets bigger and bigger. Now, take a closer look at your clown. Notice how large it is. Notice its colors... the makeup. What gender is it? Is it wearing a hat? Does your clown have a name? What is your clown's most interesting feature? Take time to get a clear picture of your clown.
3. Now focus on your breath again. With each breath you take, your clown keeps getting bigger and bigger and bigger. In fact, your clown has become as big as a weather balloon, maybe even bigger.
4. Your clown is always with you to help you lighten up your problems. Remember: Nothing, no problem, is too big for this gigantic clown.
5. In a moment, your clown is going to give you some advice on how to lighten up a problem or difficulty you are having. Do not judge your clown's answer. It may not be what you thought your clown would say, but just accept the answer. Just listen.
Ask your clown how you can see some humor in what appears to be a humorless situation. Listen for the answer now.
6. When you have an answer, thank the clown for listening to your problem and showing you how to lighten it up.
Thank yourself for participating in this process and know that whenever you need a lighthearted solution, whenever you are feeling stressed, whenever you feel lost for an answer, just ask your clown. It is as close to you as your breath. All you need to do to contact your clown is to breathe into it.
7. Now, when you are ready, say good-bye to your clown and bring your focus to your breath again. Let it settle to a quiet, even pace.
Laughter Affirmation
I shall get one more bit of laughter in my life today.
I am thankful for the joyous things in my life. Ha. Ha. Ha.
Credit:
- The Healing Power of Humor, Allen Klein
Always Look on the Bright Side of Life (from Monty Python)
words and music by Eric Idle
Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best...
And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...
If life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.
And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...
For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin
Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow.
So always look on the bright side of death
Just before you draw your terminal breath
Life's a piece of shit
When you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true.
You'll see it's all a show
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.
And always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the right side of life...
(Come on guys, cheer up!)
Always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the bright side of life...
(Worse things happen at sea, you know.)
Always look on the bright side of life...
(I mean - what have you got to lose?)
(You know, you come from nothing - you're going back to nothing.
What have you lost? Nothing!)
Always look on the right side of life...
Labels: Strategies for Happiness
One of our biggest fears and stressors, is change. Yet is is one of our only gaurantees.
Change and Self-Esteem
Roleen Kaplan
(MA Psychology)
RoKap International Global Perfomance Solutions
Psychologist, Speaker and Facilitator.
Landline: +27 11 656 6008 or email: r.k.rokapi.co.za
I watched the colours taking on different tones as the enormous beauty of the sunset streamed across the early evening sky. My heart stirred with memories of what I thought was then and was going to become.
Gently the magnificence of light over the ocean began fading into darker shades and the orchestral tones of a new song were becoming more apparent.
I heard the echo of the stark difference between the beauty of the sunset and the darkness of the night sky.
I knew there was more and that I had to see through it all.
I closed my eyes.
No longer could I legitimize words devoid of action and meaning with my own sincerity and truths.
I knew I had to let go.
No part of me wanted to.
An important and difficult choice was visiting my soul and asking recognition.
I could continue to walk through shadows not my own or,
I could hold onto me and walk away…
So I walked away and towards myself.
Roleen Kaplan, 2007
Change is sometimes very painful.
Almost always, it is necessary.
We live in a world where change is a given. It is there, facing us daily. Fast paced global changes and the heightened need to keep up, is seducing us into being not only employees, but human beings we were not designed to be. Many are fast being pulled into the trap of becoming removed from themselves, people devoid of the emotion of regard for others’ emotions, removing themselves knowingly from emotional connectedness and taking leaps into new ways of relating and living like never before.
With the increasing need for better financial outcomes people are sacrificing themselves to such a degree that they are losing sight of realizing that it is not only others’ love and loyalty they are losing, but themselves. These expensive personal losses are part of the attempt to become proclaimed self-made machines who allege brilliance in their capacity to be successful and genius enough to be calculative in their ability to get what they want.
Yes, we need to keep up. But, not at the expense of others’ and not by abandoning our emotional self.
It’s not about making more money. It’s about making more You.
Who is it that you are?
To know this in your heart requires a Change.
A change in perception.
For the majority the search for meaning in these moments of change is through material excellence and the belief that more money will make you happier. Money is not going to clear up a gnawing personal void deepened by continued unresolved life crisees. An awakened relationship with yourself and how you relate to others is the better option. And this type of emotional fulfillment finds its root in self-esteem. As discussed by Carolyn Myss, self-esteem is made up of two elements namely, love and choice.
Indeed, Love needs to be pure and choice needs to come from self-acceptance rather than through seeking anothers’ approval of who you are or who you should be. Personal voids are filled at this level where deeply ingrained patterns of relating, more challenging to modify, are demanding our attention.
Although financial security has its place, it is not the answer towards emotional fulfillment. The monetary trappings are all mere emotional seductions to pull us away from ourselves and making the personal emotional changes that world consciousness, organizational endurance and individual survival is desperate for.
The defense mechanisms built into human nature and the human psyche are many and complicated says John Powell. I tend to agree. Most people have a tremendous fear of making the emotional changes required because of what has happened to them in their past, and how they have, as a consequence, carefully structured their defenses over the years to avoid much of the same happening all over again. The irony is, because the defenses are structured within that and for that particular painful situation/s, anything new becomes a scary place to be. In the attempt to remove ourselves from the same uncomfortable situation (albeit new), we go back and seek out much of the same kind of relating as before because of the comfort in its familiarity. In so doing, we land up repeating the very pattern we were wanting to avoid. So instead of changing the pattern, we delude ourselves into believing we are changing, when in fact we are simply attempting to find ways to cope in same type of pain masked perhaps by a different relationship. This is where we abandon ourselves and the belief that we are worth more. It is at this point where our self esteem or lack of, resides.
If you look through the seduction, the truth becomes apparent.
Fear of change is caused by the following:
Fear of loss (losing a familiar way of relating to yourself and others),
Feeling vulnerable and hence unsafe emotionally (because I don’t know this way, I don’t know me in this way and you may hurt me because I don’t know how to protect myself your way or a different way other than the old way) and
Being out of control (this is unfamiliar to me and I don’t feel safe emotionally not knowing me in this new space).
No one is saying that emotional change is always easy. It requires a recognition of your own truth, and truth has boundaries. Boundaries may appear limiting to our desire for what we think is independence. It is our perception that when we are independent we have control and choice. This is not entirely true . It is in interdependence that we find our power and freedom to choose.
The lie is that we are striving for independence. We are not.
The Truth is that we are striving for interdependence.
There is a difference.
Steven Covey puts it succinctly. ‘If you want to work on making a quantum change, then work on your perceptions, assumptions, frame of reference and lens through which you view yourself and hence the world around you’.
If our perceptions are based on false emotional frames of reference, no matter how positively we think we’re thinking, nothing substantial will change. If we want change to become apparent in our lives, we have to look inwards and know sincerely that our answers do not lie allowing ourselves to be other peoples’ emotional puppets. Rather our answers lie in knowing that we are worth ourselves.
In the last article on change, I will offer you some important questions and answers that will serve as a guideline towards knowing you more intimately, so that you can afford yourself the opportunity of positive self-esteem and emotional change.
Until next time.
Labels: Change and Self-Esteem
I am 13. I was orally raped and had to perform oral sex on my mother's ex-boyfriend when I was 5. He threatened to kill me if I didn't do what he said. He took me down to his basement, and put on sex tapes. Then he told me to copy the lady on TV. Then he made me stroke his penis. Then he urinated in my mouth after he orally raped me. Then he took a shower and made me watch him. G*d that was awful. I still hate him to this day. I have nightmares and suffer from PTSD.
Thanks for reading.
by Kelsey on 27 Aug 2004
Labels: I was orally raped
I was sexually abused by step father from the time I was 5 (may have been earlier, I seem to remember being VERY young and seeing him naked trying to get me to touch him) until I was 14 years of age.
I remember him starting to teach me about sex (with my mother around) by just talking normally as he would to describe the act to a young child. But soon my mother started working out of home, and being left alone with him, he took it upon himself to show me personally.
I liked it at first. I didn't think much of it until I started taking sexual ed courses in school when I turned 11. My step-father had told me that it was perfectly natural for a father (I did not know he was a step-father until I turned 18) to physically show and caress his daughter sexually to prepare her for her sexual encounters when she grew up.
I tried to get him to stop a few times, but He started to make me feel shameful when he started questioning my love for him.
I lost my virginity to him when I was 13... at 14 I finally told him to stop. From then on he no longer touched me sexually, but he punished me for anything he could think of.
Everything came out when I turned 17... For 3 years I suffered horrible nightmares and broke down in school in the middle of a math exam. A fellow student’s parent stopped me and I blabbed.
Since it had been too long to prove physically with rape tests, I was called a liar. My step-father had taken a lie-detector test and "passed with flying colors". When I demanded the police to have one myself, they stated "even if you did pass, we would always take an adult's word over a child".
http://www.freewebs.com/tamaralynn/amazing.htm This is the complete story... it's long, but It's my experience.
I still feel ashamed about what happened. And even though I've found someone I truly love, I sometimes still feel myself shirking away from him. Sex no longer pleases me (mostly due to my Depo-Provera usage, which stopped just over a month ago).
I feel ashamed because I used to go to HIM for comfort and to feel good...
I can't stop but think that if there is a God, I will spend my eternal afterlife in Hell.
by Tamaraon 6 Sep 2004
Labels: I was sexually abused by step father from the time I was 5
When I was 19 years old I was at a party with my friends at a friends house and we were playing cards drinking having lots of fun. I was there with a guy I really liked alot and so we got together and talked and was having fun playing cards, watching movies, drinking, and then one thing led to another and we ended up in the bedroom where we had intercourse. With him I really wanted to be with him and he was so gentle and romantic and he was always asking are you sure you want to do this? I said yes and so we did, afterwards he went to the restroom to clean up I guess and while he was gone I was starting to get dressed when one of the other guys that was at the party came in the room and pushed me on the bed and said "Its my turn". I said in a shock state, What? He said that he was going to do me now since I was with this other person. I said NO!, and he proceeded to tell me that I wanted it and that I didn't mean no. So I was crying at this point and scared while he was trying to hold me down, I was screaming for him to get off of me and kept saying NO! After a minute or two seemed like a life time the guy that I was with earlier heard me screaming and came running in the room and pushed the other guy off of me and asked him what the hell he thought he was doing. The other guy laughed and said, well I thought I would have a go at her since you did. That angered the other guy and he told him to get out before he killed him and then he told me to get dressed and then he put his arm around me while I was still crying and said come on I am taking you home. I said ok, and he wrapped me up in his coat and took me home. On the way home he asked me if I wanted to go to a hospital and I said no just take me home. He was crying all the way home with me telling me he was so sorry for leaving me alone in the room that he didn't think something like that would happen. I said its ok I didn't think I was going to get hurt either. He stayed with me most of the night and then came everyday after for weeks to make sure I was ok and cryed with me everytime. He was so sweet and thought it was his fault. The whole time I am thinking it is my fault because I was drunk and at a party, I had just had sex with someone else and that maybe I had done something to lead him on. So for many years that is what I thought. I am now 37 yrs old and I still have to run into this person all the time in stores or something because he lives in my home town where I live and the worse thing is, is that he is related to my ex-husbands family so just a year ago I had to sit in the funeral home and the church with him in the same place and to close to me because of the death of a grandmother. That was so hard for me, I was shaking, sick, scared, couldn't breathe, and wanted to go home. Nobody knows about this still to this day except my new husband and the guy I was with that night. I thought until just recently that I had maybe put in away in a place that I would never have to deal with it again, but I have just in the last 3 weeks started a domestic violence course online for college and it has brought up everything I thought I left behind. I now know it was not my fault and I did not lead him on or deserve it. I am still having my days now that I just want to sit and cry or something because I am so angry with what he did to me. Because of him it is hard to have sexual relations with my husband now and every time I have to go to my O.B. and have a pap I cry the whole time and for 2 days after, even though it is a woman doctor, I still feel like I am being violated again.
Well that is my story and thank you for letting me share this with all of you on this site.
Thank you,
Tammie Clark
Labels: When I was 19 years old I was at a party with my friends at a friends house
The night it happened I had just came home from a week of Christian camp. I felt good and more close to God than I had been before in life. I knew life at home wasn't great but I also knew that others had it worst than me. I was willing to come home and deal with my distant mother and depressed younger brother. I had made it my mission to bring them to happiness through Christianity. I was welcomed home by my mother who was smiling for the first time in two years(since my father died). She came to me and hugged me and told me she had someone she needed me to meet. A man walked from out of the kitchen and greeted me. I remember feeling mad. I hadn't thought of my mother dating since my father died. I said Hi and then went to my room to pray and then I feel asleep. When I woke up my mothers boyfriend was on the edge of my bed staring at me. I asked what he was doing and he just put his fingers to his lips, telling me to be quiet. I looked at my alarm clock and saw that it was 3 in the morning. I figured my mom and brother were both sleeping. I went to get up when he touched my arm, telling me to lay back down. I wasn't nervous because I never thought of anything like this happening to me. So I got out of bed against his wishes and he grabbed my arm and forced me back down onto the bed. I knew what he was going to do but I didn't believe it. He pulled up my skirt and took off my underwear, while I did nothing to stop him (I've had a hard time coping with that). When he put himself inside of me I started to cry uncontrollably. He held his hand over my mouth to keep me quiet. The pain was unbearable. When he was done he stood and told me to keep my mouth shut. I heard him go back down the hall to my mothers room. I lay in bed for awhile believing that I had just woken up from a nightmare. It has been 6 months since that night. I am 15 and I don't believe that I will be able to date or trust a guy for a long time. I didn't say anything and my mother continued to date him until two months ago. He never touched me or talked to me again but He has forever changed my life. I went into a deep depression and stopped eating. I stopped going to church and talking to my friends and I started cutting myself. this is the fist time I'm sharing my story. I don't think that I will be able to do it with the people who know me. I'm trying to move on with my life but I feel stuck. I believe that sharing me story is the first step to moving on in my life.
by Candace on 20 Jan 2006
Labels: The night it happened I had just came home from a week of Christian camp
For me, it began with a visit to my biological father (at age 13), whom I had no memory of, since my Mother left him when I was less than a year old. My older brother lived with him until he was 10, then came to live with us. He talked all the time about how great our father was, so eventually I became adamant about meeting him myself. My Mother was reluctant, knowing what he really was, but knew that I had to find out for myself. Understand that she did not know he was sexually abusive, only that he had been physically abusive to her, and his other wives. Feeling that I would be safe, as long as my brother was with me, she allowed me to go. The first day was wonderful, he was caring and compassionate, curious about my life. The next day, he started drinking and that night he called me into his bedroom. At first I thought that him rubbing my leg while talking to me was "fatherly" love, but soon it turned into rubbing between my legs and telling me to take my clothes off. When I resisted, he threatened to tell my brother, who was asleep in the next room, that I had initiated the contact and that he would ensure that I would never see him again if I did not comply. I idolized my brother, I had only been with him for a very few years, and honestly had no idea of the whole sex thing so I didn't know what was in store for me, so I complied with his wishes, after all, he was my father, wasn't he? I was forced to have compliant "adult" sex, being directed to moan correctly, say that he was the best, ask for more and tell him that I loved him. Over the next two weeks, this was a nightly ritual, with him trying to talk me into staying to live with him, as his wife. During the day, when the three of us would go sightseeing, he would send my brother off on some errand so that he could touch me, getting me "ready for the night". Finally I had had enough, called my Mother from a payphone, in tears, and asked to come home, never telling her why, just that he was mean to me. I buried the whole thing, and went on with a life filled with self-destructive behavior, drinking, drugs, thoughts of suicide and putting myself in positions where I was abused by other men in various ways. I never told a soul until I was 21, married, and had a flashback during sex with my husband. He must has though I was crazy. I opened my eyes while he was on top of me and saw the face of my father. I screamed, cried and tried to hide in the corner. When he finally got me to come out, I was able to relate a small part of the story to him and he forced me into counseling. It only took one session with a doctor who told me it was ok to be angry and that it wasn't my fault. That's when the healing began. Over the years I have read countless books on violence and began to understand that my father had a pathological hatred of women. He beat them all, he had 7 wives and many children, only one of which I know. 30 years later, I am strong, able to tell my story, willing to tell my story to help others understand that you really can emerge from the darkness. Don't let your fear stop you, take baby steps if you have to, but don't let your abuser continue to rule your life. You are not alone, reach out and you will find that there are many of us willing to help, and that you can help, just by understanding. Nobody truly understands what we feel, unless they have been there. If you have been there, you have the capacity to make something positive out of your pain and your abuser has lost the battle over your soul.
by Tammyon 3 Mar 2004
Labels: For me, it began with a visit to my biological father (at age 13)
Hi,
I`m a 24yr old mother of three who for the past 19 years have been tortured by the visions of my 4th birthday, I came from a big family with abusive alcoholic parents who would leave us to fend for ourselves but hey it was my birthday I had a new dress,new shoes and I felt good for once....a friend of the family was saying all day how lovely the dress looked on me and I went out to play while my father went out for more drink and my mother finished the vodka she had hidden while he was away well...she passed out on the sofa but I was used to that and the `friend` asked me if I wanted to see his newpuppy, I loved animals so ofcourse I went along with him, he took me to a flat straight across from my home locked the door and raped me I can still remember the colour of the lightshade which I stared at I was crying and he told me I was a big girl and this is what happens to `good girls`afterwards he fixed himself and my hair had been up in pigtails so he pulled them tight and fixed my hair he also put my ripped pants into my cardigan and give me 20pence and told me to get sweets with it my neightbour saw me coming out of the flat and brought me to my mother`s house of course she sobered up pretty quickly and she started screaming...............I thought she was cross because I had money...... I remember telling her that I didn`t steal it but she sent me up to wash my face the neightbour followed me up to the bathroom and helped fix my hair and wash my face she was crying and I could not understand why I was brought to the police station and examined but my parent`s dropped the charges against him and he was left to get on with his life I on the other hand had horrifying nightmares and was told that nothing happened even when I asked my parents did he rape me they told me i was an attention seeker.. still as the nightmares continued..... I met my husband to be at 15 and fell pregnant shortly after and again the nightmare`s continued so I went to the solicitor`s, i just wanted some closure but the solicitor dug up more than I had expected you see my older brother also raped me infront of my younger brother this I have only known about for a couple of months and to be honest with you it`s tearing me apart I don`t want to be the victim they tell you that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel but I can`t see any light.
by Sharon on 11 Jun 2004
Labels: I`m a 24yr old mother of three who for the past 19 years have been tortured by the visions of my 4th birthday
My Story - - 2003-06-01 15:37:11
This account was written over 3 years ago in 2003. I'm leaving it unedited here as a testimony of what happened and how I felt at the time.
"I heard someone screaming and it was me..."
(The Accused)
He wasn't a stranger, and he didn't jump out of a bush at night. I felt safe because I knew him. I wish I knew back then what I know now. I wish someone had told me that women are more likely to be raped by someone they know than by a stranger. But no one told me. I believed that rapists were dark figures following you on the street late at night, or breaking into your apartment from a window left opened. I was wrong.
I met him two weeks before through a mutual friend. Some memories are incredibly vivid in my mind while others have faded away. I remember meeting him for dinner, having a pleasant evening, and then ending up at his house. I had no idea of what was going to happen and how it would change me.
He tried to kiss me, and I turned my face away from him. He pushed down on the floor, and he did it so quickly that I barely had time to realize what was going on. What happened after has left me shocked and paralyzed for years. I was too young and too inexperienced to deal with it. He hit me and I cried, struggling to free myself; I didn't want to believe what was happening and I kept thinking, "This can't be true." I begged him "please don't," and screamed as laud as I could when all of a sudden he was holding a knife to my face, hitting me again and telling me to shut up.
I was shocked, never been hit that badly before, and I could feel the blood rushing to my face. I stopped screaming because I was frightened by the anger in his voice, but I never stopped crying. The next thing I remember is an awful pain. I wanted to throw up and I thought I couldn't take the pain for another minute. At some point, I realized that there was nothing that I could do; I simply closed my eyes and waited for it to be over. Minutes turned into hours. Hours filled with threats, humiliation, and tears. Throughout the whole time he reminded of how he could, and probably would, cut my throat. Still to this day there are pieces of what happened and of what he did that I have never dared reveal to anyone. I'm afraid I never will.
When I thought it was over, I opened my eyes again and tried to get up, but he stopped me and told me to stay where I was. It was not over for him. He kept on drinking while he ordered me not to move. When he raped me again, I blacked out. I still have flashbacks of those moments and when it happens I can only go in to my bedroom, sit down and whisper, "please stop, please make it go away now." There are still missing pieces here and there. When I try to remember I can see myself in his bathroom washing the blood away, and I can clearly hear his voice like an echo in my head, "I called you a cab, now put yourself together."
I could feel his footsteps right behind me as I was walking to the door. Just before I could reach the door, he grabbed me and said, "let's not make a big deal out of this, I'm sorry things got a little out of control. If anyone asks you, you fell, understood?" I stuttered, "yes, I fell." From that moment on I was deft and numb to everything.
The cab driver tried to talking to me, asking me where I wanted to go. I couldn't give him an answer or a direction. My mind was blank, except for the floating images of what had just taken place. My face was bruised all over, my lower lip split and bloodied, my right eye blackened. Eventually, the car started moving, and I heard my voice saying, "I'm sorry for your seats, I'll pay to have them cleaned". That's what was on my mind, I was dirtying the seats with my blood and I kept whispering, "I'm sorry." The driver must have noticed the bruises on my face and my clothes being ripped off because he took me to the emergency room and advised me on seeing a doctor. Everything was out of focus, the lights, the doors, the waiting and then the visiting room.
I didn't even pay for the ride. He didn't ask me, and I wasn't thinking.
Labels: My Story
A Few Simple Truths About ADHD and Stimulant Drugs
Responses to Common Professional Statements Made to Parents About Their Children
Doctors, mental health professionals, and educators often say things about "Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder" (ADHD) that are unproven. These same professionals often say things about drugs that are supposed to treat "ADHD" that are not true. This brochure reveals and responds to six common lies or misleading statements you might be told.
1. "ADHD" is a brain-based biological disorder, caused by a chemical imbalance in your child's brain. The simple fact is that there is absolutely no reliable test that accurately distinguishes between children that are supposed to have "ADHD" and those that are not. The simplest way to counter this statement is to ask for a medical test to prove that your child has "ADHD." Many physicians will respond to your request by saying that the test is too expensive. You must persevere and ask that your insurance company pay for those tests. You can also ask any professional to show you the article or articles in the scientific literature that proves the existence of a confirmatory physical or chemical abnormality that validates the existence of ADHD as a medical disease. The plain truth is that no such article exists. If someone gives you an article, please share and discuss it with someone who can critically analyze it.
2. The symptoms are clearly printed in a book called the DSM-IV which stands for the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the American Psychiatric Association, Fourth Edition. Yes, the "symptoms" are printed there, but as described in point 1, these alleged "symptoms" in no way prove that ADHD is a disease. Furthermore, these "symptoms" are actually nothing more than someone's observations of your child's behavior, and the truth is they are not even reliable as behavioral observations. To be reliable, people must agree that your child has "ADHD." An article in the prestigious Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, printed in September 2000, says that the diagnosis is very unreliable. Many children who are supposed to be "ADHD" are not identified, and many children who are identified as not having ADHD are identified as having it. This means that research done to support the identification and treatment of ADHD that uses the DSM-IV definition totally lacks support. It also means that no medical person correctly diagnoses ADHD. ADD and ADHD are politically manufactured concepts, created by committees of the American Psychiatric Association. ADD was created in 1980, ADHD in 1987. The plain truth is that they are not real diseases in any legitimate scientific meaning of the term disease. To declare otherwise is not medicine; it is fraud.
3. Medication (such as Ritalin) corrects the chemical imbalance. Remember first there is no demonstrated chemical imbalance (see point 1). The brain does have chemicals that help cells "talk" to each other that are called neurotransmitters. However, when a professional says that one of these chemicals, usually a variety of something called Dopamine, needs some kind of correction, and that they have just the right kind of medicine to do this, you are being misled. This idea assumes that nerves only "talk" to nerves that use the same chemicals. That is absolutely positively false. It is a lie at worst, a gross oversimplification at best. It is unethical for a medical professional to state or imply otherwise.
4. The medication (e.g., Ritalin) is a mild stimulant with few or no side effects. "Side effect" is a euphemism; all drugs (alleged medications) have a variety of effects. It is vitally important that you personally research the effects of any drug you might consider for your child. Go to the Physicians Desk Reference (PDR), ask your neighborhood pharmacist to print you a list of side effects, and/or get the references listed at the end of this brochure. You need to find out about all possible effects -- those considered common (such as nervousness, insomnia, and loss of appetite, and those considered rare (such as toxic psychosis and death). The lie that Ritalin is a mild stimulant is even more difficult to maintain since a recently concluded study at the Brookhaven National Laboratory (BNL), and published in the Journal of the American Medical Association, not only confirmed the similarities of cocaine and Ritalin, but found that Ritalin is more potent than cocaine in its effect on the dopamine system in the brain. Referring to Ritalin as "kiddy cocaine" is not a joke.
It is important to know that the use of stimulant medication can mask the symptoms of potentially fatal disorders that could be causing your child's problems with inattention or activity. It is also important to know that if your child really is having problems with attention and concentration, this could be caused by problems within the class environment (no work breaks, poor environmental temperature regulation, poor acoustics, poor lighting, poor teaching, etc.) or within other areas of your child's life (nutrition, TV and video overstimulation, family stress and conflict, etc.).
5. If your child had diabetes, you would give him insulin, wouldn't you? This is one of the most common, and heinous statements that doctors and other professionals make to parents. It is a heavy guilt trip telling parents they are negligent and irresponsible if they don't go along with the pressure to drug their children. Remember clearly, as described in point 1 above, that ADHD is in no way a real disease; to imply otherwise is a lie. The truth is that protecting your children from toxic drugs is being completely responsible. It is those who advocate these drugs for children who are abdicating responsibility and avoiding the challenge of truly meeting the needs of our children.
6. You are going against medical advice. Physicians work for you. There is something called informed consent. If they have given you false or inaccurate information, or attempted to deceive you in any way, then the advice that they have given is faulty and you can justifiably take matters (concerning "ADHD") into your own hands. It is your responsibility to protect the short and long-term health, well-being and development of your child.
Resources
Breeding, J. The Wildest Colts Make The Best Horses. Bright Books, 1996.
Breggin, P. Talking Back To Ritalin. Common Courage Press, 1998.
Informative Websites
www.adhdfraud.org - Dr. Fred Baughman's excellent website, containing the best of his essays revealing that ADHD is not a real disease.
www.wildestcolts.com - John Breeding, PhD, posts a wealth of information on psychiatry, parenting and his work as director of Texans For Safe Education.
www.attention-deficit-disorder.org. Profiles the work that some of us are doing to provide the truth about the fraudulent and harmful labeling and psychiatric drugging of our children.
Labels: A Few Simple Truths About ADHD and Stimulant Drugs
From the age of 5, I was sexualy abused by my father. I had told my mum several times and she would ask him about it and he would deny it like always. Mum and dad ended up seperating my dad was a very controling, manipulative man so I remaned living at his house. The abuse was still an occurance but because my mum was abused as a child, she had taught me that it was wrong if someone touches you in your private spots and as I got older I realised that he didnt have the power, I DID. So one nght I went into his room while he was asleep and I got into bed with him. I was in denial that he would do anything to me but I wanted to catch him out. He started touching me, it was discusting. I got up and went in my own room the next.
I thaught this is it, am I going to let him do this to me again? NO, so I rang him he was at work and I said "you touched me last night" he was speachless. I said "I am leaving and there is nothing you can do about it" I thaught he would yell at me, he didnt. He started crying he said "no dont leave im sorry if I have hurt you" that was it for me. I couldnt take this anymore, I told my mum she was distrort she said sorry about 10 times. I dont blame her. Then my mum and I told the family they didnt belive us. That gave my mum doubt on if it was true or not. I ended up moving out of my mums and was living at a friends. He gained all the control back a couple of weeks after I got a phone call of my mum telling me she didnt belive me. I was all on my own 15 years old so I turned to drugs and alcohol untill I couldnt do it anymore so I confronted my mum told her the story again streight away she got us a house to live in the next couple of weeks. I went to the police I wanted to get him REVENGE was all I could think about I was taking him to court. Then befor the last court hearing there was a knock at the door, it was the police informing us that he had comite suiside. Everything came tumboling down, at first I was upset but after that I thought good I will never have to face him again. It was just my mum, brother and little sister... I am now 17 and I am back at school I have had a boyfriend for 2 years and I know I am going to live happily ever after......because he can't hurt me anymore
by rebecca parkeron 4 Aug 2004. I had told my mum several times and she would ask him about it and he would deny it like always. Mum and dad ended up seperating my dad was a very controling, manipulative man so I remaned living at his house. The abuse was still an occurance but because my mum was abused as a child, she had taught me that it was wrong if someone touches you in your private spots and as I got older I realised that he didnt have the power, I DID. So one nght I went into his room while he was asleep and I got into bed with him. I was in denial that he would do anything to me but I wanted to catch him out. He started touching me, it was discusting. I got up and went in my own room the next.
I thaught this is it, am I going to let him do this to me again? NO, so I rang him he was at work and I said "you touched me last night" he was speachless. I said "I am leaving and there is nothing you can do about it" I thaught he would yell at me, he didnt. He started crying he said "no dont leave im sorry if I have hurt you" that was it for me. I couldnt take this anymore, I told my mum she was distrort she said sorry about 10 times. I dont blame her. Then my mum and I told the family they didnt belive us. That gave my mum doubt on if it was true or not. I ended up moving out of my mums and was living at a friends. He gained all the control back a couple of weeks after I got a phone call of my mum telling me she didnt belive me. I was all on my own 15 years old so I turned to drugs and alcohol untill I couldnt do it anymore so I confronted my mum told her the story again streight away she got us a house to live in the next couple of weeks. I went to the police I wanted to get him REVENGE was all I could think about I was taking him to court. Then befor the last court hearing there was a knock at the door, it was the police informing us that he had comite suiside. Everything came tumboling down, at first I was upset but after that I thought good I will never have to face him again. It was just my mum, brother and little sister... I am now 17 and I am back at school I have had a boyfriend for 2 years and I know I am going to live happily ever after......because he can't hurt me anymore
by rebecca parkeron 4 Aug 2004
Labels: From the age of 5, I was sexualy abused by my father.
My first experince was when I was seven I moved from SouthGate California to my aunt and uncle's house in Colorado. My parents were getting seperated for a while because my mom was going through deppression and anxioty. So my uncle would tell me to go sit next to him and then he would start touching me whene no-one was home. He did that around four times and I would be scared to tell my mom. Until one day I finally got the gutz to let myself out. So we moved out of there house and my dad came back and we moved to another place in Colorado. My past was haunting me and to this day it does. Years went by and I turned 13. That was my second expierience. I started working at a restaurant and I met an older guy there and we became friends or so I thought. We were dating for a while but I wasn't into talking things seriously or not into sex at all. We dated for about two months and on the firsts of November I'll never forget...
I was sick and decided not to go to school that day so I was alone in the house and my telephone rings it was him and he was asking for my older brother Travieso and so i told he he wasn't in and hung up the telephone. Later like around 11:00am my door was open and I was in the kichen and I heard the door open and I was surprised to see it was him!And he pushed me into the restroom and told me to shut up and he pushed me into a wall and I hit my head wich made me fall and he pulled down his pants and got on top of me and pulled mine down and slapped me across the face and I was screaming for help and tellin him to stop but there was no point. I felt a really bad pain go up into my stomach and thighs and he was jus laughing and I was cryin. And I was tryin to move pero he was holding my arms really tight. Finally he stopped all of a sudden and he got up and left and I just stayed in a little corner shaking alot with my pants down.My brother found out somehow and asked me if it were true and I would deny it but then I just sayed the truth and my mom and dad for months and months would tell me it was my fault and I was a hoe and a lot of cruel things. So i got into tryin to kill myself and so I started seeing counciling. And it didn't help for nothing. Now I'm in high school and I dont have very many friend because he tells them things and puts them against me.And so now I'm still not happy with myself and I still remember evertime I go to the bathroom downstairs and I cry. so whoever wants to talk with me or give me advice email me at babyambar@yahoo.com
by Ambar Gonzalezon 7 Mar 2004
Labels: My first experince was when I was seven
Hi my name is Amanda Sellers. I didn’t have such a good life but just to say I’ve made it through. I am 16 years old and live in TX. My ex-step dad molested me when I was 5 & 11. I thought that happened in every family. But me and my mom ended up getting into a fight and I moved out. Thank god I never had to see that creep again. While I was living with my dad I hit a rebel stage and moved in with a girl who was supposed to be my friend. Well her dad started molesting me from about the age of 12 to 14. Then I just didn’t want to deal with it anymore so I tried to commit suicide. Figuring out that that is not the way was a very hard road. Since then I’ve had lots of counseling and I’m doing very well now. I’m living with my mom and her new husband and my three wonderful brothers. I really just wonted to share my story in hopes that everybody who has went through this can get just a little bit of inspiration.
by Amanda Sellers on 7 Feb 2005
Labels: Hi my name is Amanda Sellers
I was almost 18 and pretty naive, having just moved from a very small town [about 6,000] to what seemed like THE BIG CITY [80,000 or so] to me. I was questioning my sexuality - I knew I liked girls, but I wasn't sure whether or not I liked guys.
When I met him, I felt something I'd never felt for a guy before, so I figured it must be love. Plus, he was a few years older than me, and I was flattered by his interest. For some reason though, I refused to "consummate" the relationship & about 2 months into it, I realized I wasn't into guys at all. So, being fair, I broke up w/him. He didn't take it well. He trashed my car, threatening phone calls & emails, etc. I got a restraining order & since he ran a well-known business, and couldn't afford to ruin his name, he left me alone.
Out of the blue about a month later, he called & asked if we could talk. I met him at a coffee bar, and he apologized for everything, and said he wanted to try to be friends. Sounded good to me-like I said, I was naïve, and very trusting.
We talked on the phone every now and then, and he seemed to be the nice guy I'd first met. So when he called a couple weeks later to invite me to a party at his place, I accepted without a second thought.
I'm pretty sure he slipped something in my drink because, all of a sudden, I was sleepy. I woke up when I felt someone touching me, and I realized I was naked and some guy was trying to penetrate me. I couldn't see him because the lights were out. I told him to stop. He did for a minute and said, "But they told me you liked me." I realized he was this slow kid who hung around the "cool" guys, wanting to be one of them. He said, "They told me you liked to pretend you don't want to do it, but you really do" and tried to enter me again. He was less than halfway inside me, and I told him again to stop. He asked if he was hurting me. I said YES, so he started to pull out but didn't quite make it before...you know. I'd never been with a guy before, so I was disgusted, and told him to just get the f--- out.
I was getting dressed when my ex came in, acting very mad, like he had no idea this other guy was going to try something with me. He asked exactly what happened. I told him, and he said, "Guess that means you're still a virgin." I thought that was a weird thing to say. Then he asked, "Did he hurt you?" I said, "A little," and he said, "That was nothing compared to what I'm going to do to you."
He pushed me back on the bed, and got on top of me. I fought him and managed to scratch his face. He said, "You can fight me or you can lay back and be quiet, either way I'm gonna f*** you." I still struggled but he straddled my shoulders and pinned my arms down, then made me perform oral sex on him for a few minutes, then laid on top of me again, then he forced himself inside me. I was completely dry, and thought I was being torn in half. When he finished, I was crying and asked him WHY? He just shrugged, and said, "Why not"? Then I asked if I could get dressed and leave.
He said, "We saved the best for last." When he said that, another friend of his came in & my ex said, They raped me again & said if I ever told anyone, they'd do kill me, and my sister.
I got dressed & left, still bleeding & in a lot of pain. I went in my room & stuffed all my clothes way back in the closet cos I didn't want to touch or see them ever again. I got in bed & it was like I was in shock, I couldn't even cry. My sister came in & asked what was wrong. I told her I was having a very bad period & just needed to sleep.
But I wouldn't stop bleeding so I went to ER in the middle of the night. The nurse kept asking me if I was raped but I refused to answer her. They sewed me up & sent me on my way.
When I started feeling sick every morning, I went into major denial, till my sister finally asked if I was pregnant. I still thought it just couldn't be, so we got a home pregnancy test & sure enough...but I still didn't tell how it happened. It ended up being a tubal pregnancy & they had to terminate it. I've always had gyno problems, cysts & such, plus so much damage was done during the rape, the dr. said it was unlikely I'd ever be able to have kids. Here's the weird thing-I never WANTED kids. But not having kids was MY choice & now that choice had been taken away from me.
I became very angry & destructive-to myself & others. I did drugs & got into a lot of fights in which I was very violent & caused more than a few injuries. It was 6 momths before I told anyone about the rape. I figured there was no chance the cops could do anything about it, but I wanted to tell them anyway because one of the guys was a known sex offender. Maybe they could stop him from hurting someone else.
By some kind of miracle, I ended up w/the best cops & lawyer on earth. They thought of EVERYTHING & made me remember things I'd forgotten-like my clothes in the closet, among other things. During the investigation, one of the guys [the slow kid] killed himself & left a note that basically turned the other 2 in. The outcome: they are both in prison for a long time.
There's a lot more to this story, but I've gone on long enough & I'm afraid I'll go over the word limit! That was almost 2 yrs ago & I have done a lot of healing, though I still have more to do. I've learned how to manage my anger & most of the time, I can overcome my fear & I'm starting to trust people again, though not as easily as I used to.
by abbenormalon 4 Jul 2005
Labels: I was almost 18 and pretty naive
I'm not really sure where to begin; it's hard to talk about as I'm sure most of you know. It's a rather long story, but I'll make it short.
It began for me at age 8, as a young, innocent girl. My brother, who was 6 at the time, and I, had a male babysitter. He was about 18 years old and a family friend, so it was never thought about twice when he came to our house to watch us. He babysat us at least once a week, and everything went on for at least a year, maybe more, it's hard to remember exact details. But anyways, my brother was physically abused and I was physically and sexually abused. He used to threaten the both of us, which is why nothing was ever said to anyone right away. I remember he would tell us he would hurt our family or tell our parents we were bad (which is huge when you're a child, that's the worst thing possible) if we ever said anything, so our mouths were kept shut. My brother and I both got beat up on a weekly basis, whether it was being thrown down the stairs, hit, etc. That alone killed me, not only being beat up, but also watching my little brother get hit. It didn't end there for me though. He used to send my brother to bed early every time, and after, take me to my room. The things that went on there and the things he did to me and even made me do are unbearable to even think about, but I'm sure you can imagine some of the things that went on. He even used to make up games for me to 'play' along with him. It's so hard to talk about...
Finally, after a year or more, after he told me he would kill me if I didn't do what he said, I broke down. The next time he was supposed to come babysit, I completely broke down to my parents, crying and telling them all. I remember, vividly, standing on the counter of our kitchen crying and begging them not to let him come over...It completely tore them apart.
Now I'm 20, and it still tears me apart. It's so hard to deal with. After everything, I was sent to many doctors, therapists, and so much more. It only scared me more. Eventually, I quit therapy because it just made things worse...just imagine having to tell a complete stranger everything as a little kid. Now, things are just even harder. When I think about my childhood, that's pretty much the only thing that I can remember. It has completely taken over my life. I lost my innocence as a child, and now, that same scared little girl still controls my life. There are days I'm fine, then there are days that I have flashbacks and just go into depression. I hate how it controls my life, but I'm still to scared to get help, and I don't know what to do. I'm tired of that scared little girl controlling my life. I'm tired of being afraid, being ashamed of myself, and everything else. My parents, still today, think I'm ok because I refuse to talk to them about it because when it all happened, it completely tore our family apart. I hate feeling like a burden to my family and to my few friends who know about it. I just try to keep to myself, but it's tearing me apart. It's so hard to talk to others, because I have yet been able to find someone who knows what it's like, who understands. It's hard to explain to someone who doesn't understand...
I guess I'll stop here...but please feel free to email me to talk...I could use someone who understands to talk to, and I'm sure some of you could as well...buffa03@hotmail.com
by Michelleon 27 Oct 2003
Labels: I'm not really sure where to begin
I recently ran across this letter that I wrote to the family member who repeatedly molested & finally raped me when I was a child. I wanted to have it published somewhere since I choose not to send the letter to him for a variety of reasons. Just the process of writing the letter and now rereading it is cathartic to me and I hope, maybe, it will be to someone else with a similar experience. Thanks for providing this forum.
"Dear X,
I am not sure how to start this letter. It seems silly to say things like, '“It’s been awhile…”'or '“It’s obvious we haven’t talked in awhile...”'. I know this will seem harsh, but, somehow, I always thought you would just disappear from my memory. I hoped that our relatedness would somehow disappear from the genealogies. But, it hasn’t. And, unfortunately, it never will. I will forever be in your family as you will be in mine. You must know that you used to haunt my dreams. I would fall asleep and wake up sweating, thinking you were in the room. I am not asking you to feel anything but I am asking for your sympathy. I wish I could erase my life from the ages of five to eight. I often ask God if that’s possible. I used to wish that I had never been born or that you had never been born. But, once again, God had other plans.
I am getting married in March. That is the reason for this letter. I think that maybe I would have erased you from my memory, except that I had to tell my fiancé about you. We had the usual, '“Who have you slept with?”' And unfortunately, you were apart of it. In fact, you were center stage. I realized in the process that I am still angry. (That should be a warning about the rest of the letter.) I thought I had forgiven you but I have only forgiven you as far as I can forget you. I can only say that I forgive you when I know you are far, far away and I don’t have to see you. It’s easy to forgive someone who is distant and you don’t have to speak of or deal with on regular basis. Suddenly, I had to relate the whole story and I had to uncover what has been so carelessly covered for almost 20 years.
Did you know that I love to sing? Did you know that I don’t like onions, in anything? Did you know that I talk to myself, a lot? All of this to say that it’s so unfair that I am carrying around something for a person who doesn’t even know me. You don’t know me at all, you don’t care what happens to me, and yet, 20 years later, when I am preparing to spend the rest of my life with someone who knows me intimately and better than you ever will, I have to talk about YOU. YOU become the subject of many conversations, many tears, many regrets, and sadness. My fiancé has a wonderful relationship with his extended family. Always felt loved, cared for, and wants them at his wedding because they were loyal beyond compare. What did I have? I was isolated, I was talked about, I was the subject of gossiping aunts, and I was left alone…..and guess what; it all came back to you.
I am going to ask the obvious question, '“Why?”' and '“Why me?”' I know that ________ was not the best of fathers or the best of men. I have heard some of the stories and I know they are likely only the tip of the iceberg. I know that there was pornography involved and that had to have some influence on what you were thinking. But, why? Was it just because I was there? Was it just because I was too naïve to say no? You may not know why but I have to ask. I have to ask for my own sanity because if I don’t ask why, then it still becomes something I brought on myself.
I tried to fit into the family. I tried to '“put on a game face”' and pretend like I could just smile and nod my way through the next 30 years of family reunions. But, I can’t. I am not going to lie. I often used to wish that you would die in a car accident; I could have my final revenge by NOT showing up at your funeral and then be done with you. Then, I could have my extended family back.
If you’ve read this far, you are a better man than I remember. All of this to say that I don’t want you at my wedding. I do wish for healing, reconciliation, and whatever it takes to get things to normal, if that’s possible. But, please don’t ruin our day by being there. I hope to close your chapter of my life soon.
Simply,
Y
by KMon 20 May 2005
Labels: I recently ran across this letter that I wrote to the family member who repeatedly molested
I recently ran across this letter that I wrote to the family member who repeatedly molested & finally raped me when I was a child. I wanted to have it published somewhere since I choose not to send the letter to him for a variety of reasons. Just the process of writing the letter and now rereading it is cathartic to me and I hope, maybe, it will be to someone else with a similar experience. Thanks for providing this forum.
"Dear X,
I am not sure how to start this letter. It seems silly to say things like, '“It’s been awhile…”'or '“It’s obvious we haven’t talked in awhile...”'. I know this will seem harsh, but, somehow, I always thought you would just disappear from my memory. I hoped that our relatedness would somehow disappear from the genealogies. But, it hasn’t. And, unfortunately, it never will. I will forever be in your family as you will be in mine. You must know that you used to haunt my dreams. I would fall asleep and wake up sweating, thinking you were in the room. I am not asking you to feel anything but I am asking for your sympathy. I wish I could erase my life from the ages of five to eight. I often ask God if that’s possible. I used to wish that I had never been born or that you had never been born. But, once again, God had other plans.
I am getting married in March. That is the reason for this letter. I think that maybe I would have erased you from my memory, except that I had to tell my fiancé about you. We had the usual, '“Who have you slept with?”' And unfortunately, you were apart of it. In fact, you were center stage. I realized in the process that I am still angry. (That should be a warning about the rest of the letter.) I thought I had forgiven you but I have only forgiven you as far as I can forget you. I can only say that I forgive you when I know you are far, far away and I don’t have to see you. It’s easy to forgive someone who is distant and you don’t have to speak of or deal with on regular basis. Suddenly, I had to relate the whole story and I had to uncover what has been so carelessly covered for almost 20 years.
Did you know that I love to sing? Did you know that I don’t like onions, in anything? Did you know that I talk to myself, a lot? All of this to say that it’s so unfair that I am carrying around something for a person who doesn’t even know me. You don’t know me at all, you don’t care what happens to me, and yet, 20 years later, when I am preparing to spend the rest of my life with someone who knows me intimately and better than you ever will, I have to talk about YOU. YOU become the subject of many conversations, many tears, many regrets, and sadness. My fiancé has a wonderful relationship with his extended family. Always felt loved, cared for, and wants them at his wedding because they were loyal beyond compare. What did I have? I was isolated, I was talked about, I was the subject of gossiping aunts, and I was left alone…..and guess what; it all came back to you.
I am going to ask the obvious question, '“Why?”' and '“Why me?”' I know that ________ was not the best of fathers or the best of men. I have heard some of the stories and I know they are likely only the tip of the iceberg. I know that there was pornography involved and that had to have some influence on what you were thinking. But, why? Was it just because I was there? Was it just because I was too naïve to say no? You may not know why but I have to ask. I have to ask for my own sanity because if I don’t ask why, then it still becomes something I brought on myself.
I tried to fit into the family. I tried to '“put on a game face”' and pretend like I could just smile and nod my way through the next 30 years of family reunions. But, I can’t. I am not going to lie. I often used to wish that you would die in a car accident; I could have my final revenge by NOT showing up at your funeral and then be done with you. Then, I could have my extended family back.
If you’ve read this far, you are a better man than I remember. All of this to say that I don’t want you at my wedding. I do wish for healing, reconciliation, and whatever it takes to get things to normal, if that’s possible. But, please don’t ruin our day by being there. I hope to close your chapter of my life soon.
Simply,
Y
by KMon 20 May 2005
Labels: I recently ran across this letter that I wrote to the family member who repeatedly molested
From the age of 5, I was sexualy abused by my father. I had told my mum several times and she would ask him about it and he would deny it like always. Mum and dad ended up seperating my dad was a very controling, manipulative man so I remaned living at his house. The abuse was still an occurance but because my mum was abused as a child, she had taught me that it was wrong if someone touches you in your private spots and as I got older I realised that he didnt have the power, I DID. So one nght I went into his room while he was asleep and I got into bed with him. I was in denial that he would do anything to me but I wanted to catch him out. He started touching me, it was discusting. I got up and went in my own room the next.
I thaught this is it, am I going to let him do this to me again? NO, so I rang him he was at work and I said "you touched me last night" he was speachless. I said "I am leaving and there is nothing you can do about it" I thaught he would yell at me, he didnt. He started crying he said "no dont leave im sorry if I have hurt you" that was it for me. I couldnt take this anymore, I told my mum she was distrort she said sorry about 10 times. I dont blame her. Then my mum and I told the family they didnt belive us. That gave my mum doubt on if it was true or not. I ended up moving out of my mums and was living at a friends. He gained all the control back a couple of weeks after I got a phone call of my mum telling me she didnt belive me. I was all on my own 15 years old so I turned to drugs and alcohol untill I couldnt do it anymore so I confronted my mum told her the story again streight away she got us a house to live in the next couple of weeks. I went to the police I wanted to get him REVENGE was all I could think about I was taking him to court. Then befor the last court hearing there was a knock at the door, it was the police informing us that he had comite suiside. Everything came tumboling down, at first I was upset but after that I thought good I will never have to face him again. It was just my mum, brother and little sister... I am now 17 and I am back at school I have had a boyfriend for 2 years and I know I am going to live happily ever after......because he can't hurt me anymore
by rebecca parkeron 4 Aug 2004
Labels: From the age of 5, I was sexually abused by my father
From the age of 5, I was sexualy abused by my father. I had told my mum several times and she would ask him about it and he would deny it like always. Mum and dad ended up seperating my dad was a very controling, manipulative man so I remaned living at his house. The abuse was still an occurance but because my mum was abused as a child, she had taught me that it was wrong if someone touches you in your private spots and as I got older I realised that he didnt have the power, I DID. So one nght I went into his room while he was asleep and I got into bed with him. I was in denial that he would do anything to me but I wanted to catch him out. He started touching me, it was discusting. I got up and went in my own room the next.
I thaught this is it, am I going to let him do this to me again? NO, so I rang him he was at work and I said "you touched me last night" he was speachless. I said "I am leaving and there is nothing you can do about it" I thaught he would yell at me, he didnt. He started crying he said "no dont leave im sorry if I have hurt you" that was it for me. I couldnt take this anymore, I told my mum she was distrort she said sorry about 10 times. I dont blame her. Then my mum and I told the family they didnt belive us. That gave my mum doubt on if it was true or not. I ended up moving out of my mums and was living at a friends. He gained all the control back a couple of weeks after I got a phone call of my mum telling me she didnt belive me. I was all on my own 15 years old so I turned to drugs and alcohol untill I couldnt do it anymore so I confronted my mum told her the story again streight away she got us a house to live in the next couple of weeks. I went to the police I wanted to get him REVENGE was all I could think about I was taking him to court. Then befor the last court hearing there was a knock at the door, it was the police informing us that he had comite suiside. Everything came tumboling down, at first I was upset but after that I thought good I will never have to face him again. It was just my mum, brother and little sister... I am now 17 and I am back at school I have had a boyfriend for 2 years and I know I am going to live happily ever after......because he can't hurt me anymore
by rebecca parkeron 4 Aug 2004
Labels: From the age of 5, I was sexually abused by my father
I am a victim of sexual abuse by a priest in Iowa while growing up. I was sent to the priest to be 'cured' of a bedwetting problem, in approximately 1970. I would find out later in life (age 21) that my parents knew of it and sided with the church's cover-up. I am 46 years old now, and I have only recently begun to realize the extent that my mind is messed up. I have avoided sexual contact for twenty years because I felt I needed to "replace the priest," rather than face the true wound of the spiritual damage done to me. In addition, I had a brother who underwent the same thing and turned to alcohol and ostrasizing me rather than support me; he needed me to "go away." I live each day in a life that borders on the suicidal, but that I have come to believe is worth living at times. Being an adopted child there is nothing that I wanted more in life than to belong to a loving and honest home with parents that cared for me. But they did not truly love...
by Steve C.on 25 Dec 2005
Labels: I am a victim of sexual abuse by a priest
I am a victim of sexual abuse by a priest in Iowa while growing up. I was sent to the priest to be 'cured' of a bedwetting problem, in approximately 1970. I would find out later in life (age 21) that my parents knew of it and sided with the church's cover-up. I am 46 years old now, and I have only recently begun to realize the extent that my mind is messed up. I have avoided sexual contact for twenty years because I felt I needed to "replace the priest," rather than face the true wound of the spiritual damage done to me. In addition, I had a brother who underwent the same thing and turned to alcohol and ostrasizing me rather than support me; he needed me to "go away." I live each day in a life that borders on the suicidal, but that I have come to believe is worth living at times. Being an adopted child there is nothing that I wanted more in life than to belong to a loving and honest home with parents that cared for me. But they did not truly love...
by Steve C.on 25 Dec 2005
Labels: I am a victim of sexual abuse by a priest
I really find it hard to talk about this. I have written it down before in utter disbelief that what happen to me is in fact RAPE. I was assualted by a really good friend, or so I thought, on May 27,2000. I had always had a crush on him and he knew it he teased me about it all of the time. but this particular night I was at my best friends house as usual, because that's where he stayed,he was her cousin. As usual we would play nad wrestle and have food fights. This night was just like and other time that I had stayed the night. we went into his room to chill and watch movies, mind you everyone had gone to bed at this point. he had never given me amy reason to believe that he would hurt me. I 'll never forget it it was 1:27 am and we were watching a movie called sleepy hallow: as we layed in his bed. he was drinking and smoking marajuana, and I was laying in his bed drinking some ocean spray cranapple juice when he leaned over and tried to kiss me. I asked him what he thought he was doing. he looked at me and said " girl you know you like me". I said so what that got to do with any thing. then he roled over and laugh. so we continued to watch the movie. next thing I knew he had his hand up my shirt touching ny breast. I hit his hand and told him to stop it and that what he was doing wasn't funny . he just laughed at me and continued to do it any way. so I hit him and said cut it out. that owrked for about 5 min. then he went up my skirt with his hand ahd inserted his finger inside me. I cried I looked at him and said" you know I'm a virgin why are you doing this?" his only rely is you know you want too. I tried to fight him off but he was just o strong.the next thing that I knew was that he was on thop of me he held my hands above my head and proceede to take off my underwear. I fought as best I could but nothing worked. All I could do was cry as he penetrated me
I just can't understand why I didn't cry out for help. then he had the nerve to tell me that I was being to loud so he covered my face with a musty pillow. he did what he had to do then I rolled over curled up in a ball and cried myself to sleep. the worst part about it is I don't think that he even remembers it the way it really happens. because the next day all he could say was Ican't believe that you gave it up to me.. I honestly cant believe that I'm about to say this but I blame the alcohol and the drugs because I honestly don't hink that he remebers it.. and I never really brought it up to him that I told him No11 that we cant do this
by Theresa on 10 Mar 2004
Labels: I really find it hard to talk about this
