25 Ways To Fight Fair
Please note that the words “fight” and “fighting fair” are used below to mean expressing one’s disagreement or anger to another constructively. At no time should physical harm be considered “fighting fair.”
Know your own feelings. Seek to grow in self-awareness. Being in touch with your own true feelings is essential before you can constructively handle anger or conflict.
Anger is an emotion – neither right nor wrong in itself. There is no morality to feelings. Try to understand what prompted the feeling. Morality comes into play when you take a destructive action as a result of a feeling.
Negotiation and compromise are essential in any marriage. During a calm, clear moment agree that neither partner should “win” a fight. If one wins, the other loses and builds resentment. In effect, both have then lost because the relationship is damaged. Even when one spouse is wrong, permit him or her salvage self-respect.
Cooling-off periods. Establish ground rules that permit either partner to “cool off” before trying to resolve anger. It may be necessary to walk or engage in some other physical activity in order to allow anger to dissipate. Such a period can allow a spouse to identify the issue more clearly and organize his or her thoughts, thus keeping the fight more on focus.
Pin down a time and place. Be sure, however, that resolving an issue is not postponed indefinitely. After cooling off, pin down a time and place to continue. For example, after the news goes off and in the living room – not in the bathroom doorway while brushing teeth.
Fight by mutual consent. Don’t insist on a fight when your spouse is tired or unable to handle the strain. A fair fight requires two ready participants.
Stick to the subject. When a number of issues seem to be accumulating, present them one at a time. If you have not resolved past issues, put them on a current or future agenda. Make sure both of you go beyond skirmishing, insult rituals, or angry displays. Shooting broadside like a roaring cannon prevents resolution.
State the issue honestly and clearly. Don’t simply say, “I’m hurt by the way you don’t show me respect.” Rather, be clear and specific as in, “I felt hurt when you said…or when your tone of voice sounds condescending toward me.”
Don’t camouflage. Don’t evade a deeper grievance by allowing your feelings to center only on less important or extraneous issues. “The potatoes are too salty tonight!” might be a minor irritant that covers the unspoken, “I don’t think that you understand all the pressure I’m under at work!”
Afraid to fight? If one of you feels afraid to fight, this should not evoke a put down but rather may be a fear of being hurt or rejected. Put the fear on the agenda for later discussion.
Don’t hit below the belt. Everyone has vulnerable areas. Don’t use your confidential knowledge of your partner’s weaknesses and sensitivities to hurt him/her.
Don’t label. Avoid telling your spouse that he/she is neurotic, depressing, or a bore. Rather, try, “I’m tense inside, honey, because you seem moody and depressed. I’d like us to talk about it.”
Grant equal time. Agree that no resolution of an issue can be presumed until each partner has had the chance to express his/her feelings, ideas, and information.
Feedback and clarification. If the fight is emotional and heated, slow it down by starting a “feedback loop.” One technique is to paraphrase back to your spouse what your heard. For example, “Honey, what I hear you saying is that I’m boring you because I have no outside interest. Is that right?” The other then responds by either confirming the accuracy of your statement or clarifying it.
Gain new understanding. Extract enough new information and insight from a fight to permit growth. Don’t waste a good fight by not learning from it.
Implement changes. Follow anger with a fair, firm, clear request for a change or improvement in whatever brought on the fight. Each partner must be clear as to what he/she agrees to modify or improve. Be specific and realistic. For example, it would be agreed that whenever the husband seemed tense, the wife would encourage him to tell her about it, instead of their old pattern of both keeping silent.
Develop humor. Humor goes a long way towards promoting healing.
Keep your fights to yourself. Exceptions would be when more serious problems suggest the need for a counselor. Good counseling is like medicine – it helps do what you might not be able to do alone.
Handling anger in front of children. When anger and conflict initially erupt in front of children, also try to resolve these feelings in front of them. You may need a cooling off period first, but they need to learn about negotiation, discussion, and compromise by watching you do it constructively. Apologizing for excesses in front of children also teaches them about reconciliation.
Don’t attempt to resolve a conflict when drinking heavily.
“Touch” can begin dialogue. Use touch to help your spouse make the “entry” or “re-entry” into a communicative mood. A foot reaching over in bed, a hand on the shoulder can say eloquently, “Honey, one of us needs to begin the dialogue. I’m willing to start.”
Exclude violence. Agree in advance that real violence is always ruled out.
Is the problem elsewhere? Determine through honest inner searching whether your anger lies primarily (or only secondarily) within the marriage relationship. Spouses might be struggling with poor health, role insecurities at work, fear of death, anxiety about the future, or other unresolved issues. It can be reassuring when a couple realizes that their relationship may not always be the principle problem, even though the real problem still causes anguish.
Respect crying. Crying is a valid response to how we feel. Do not, however, let crying sidetrack from getting to the real issue causing the conflict.
Labels: 25 Ways To Fight Fair
"If Disputes have turned your relationship into a sour experience, this page may be the turning point to restore security and trust.
NOW, you can have a step by step action plan to discuss and resolve any subject, with none of the pain that you are feeling today. Warranteed. "
Fort Lauderdale ,
Wednesday, December 30th
Dear friend,
Sometimes in life we do things without paying attention to their consequences….the way we relate to others seems to us "natural" and "the way we are…" without thinking of the necessary choices that brought us to this exact point. Nobody told you that there was a HEALTHY way to discuss shared issues, very much opposed to the DIRTY TRICKS way to defend your needs and interests, and now you and your family group are paying the price.
It's healthy for every relationship, every marriage to include some level of disagreement and adjustment. Each person has different stories, homes and ways of thinking, and they must negotiate an agreement on how to do things together. Some couples fight more, some couples fight less, but what is really important is the way they fight. According to recent studies that compare relationships that survive, grow and deepen into a shared love, and the ones that become progressively more aggressive and ugly, the most important factor is the way they deal with the differences. Their secret is that they learn how go from "My View, your Problem" to "We share this problem".
When winning is more important than understanding, couples self-destruct by fighting in ways that damage the trust and respect that are necessary for the relationship. They get desperate when they don't understand each other's needs and then resort to attacks and put downs, escalating the disputes. Couples with too many dirty tricks lose respect for each other, and come to expect only more attacks and nastiness. Their fights are random, unpredictable and, because they lack structure can easily end in more vicious attacks to self-respect. Two people who loved each other can end up destroying the same person they loved, because of the negative feelings produced by constant fighting.
Fair Fighting is a set of ground rules for handling differences and conflict in a respectful way. Since few people have learned how to handle fights well, very clear rules give couples a road map for getting through discussions in a safe way, restoring safety and trust, and blocking negative explosions.
Are you fighting dirty without realizing it?
I don't know about you, but I grew up in a household where the main tool to keep children obedient and down was making fun of them, mocking their ideas and "putting them into their place" by constant ridicule and humiliation. Sometimes this was also done as "good fun," without anybody noticing how harmful it was for me, the person target of scorn. All believed that someone needed to be in the upper position, criticizing and the other needed to be down, ridiculed. One was the better one; the other was made to feel inferior and stupid.
If these practices took hold, now you could find yourself doing "naturally" a set of behaviors patterned upon a "relationship model," that is as damaging as toxic waste to any marriage. When daily put downs or misunderstandings occur, they often leave a residue of disappointment, anger or resentment. This residue accumulates over time to create an environment progressively more and more set against personal intimacy. Now, the only messages going back and forth are attacks and self-defense…how sad is this for a relationship chosen because it had the promise of love and acceptance?
Whether we keep fighting to maintain our precarious "superior position," or to protest our "humble position" we lose track of the basic fact of life: conflict is a natural part of the relationship and needs social skills that have to be learned. The hope for a good relationship is lost. We get stuck in an oppositional relationship, try to maintain this level using whatever tricks we learned before with others, and even call this "love."
The results are now devastating:
Your partner doesn't trust that you will treat her with respect, because you have demonstrated that you can do dirty tricks at any time!
We tend to think that sudden angry outbursts are just forgotten when we say "sorry." At that moment, we got carried away by our anger and reacted with behaviors considered normal when we believe we are defending ourselves from external enemies. But your spouse is not your enemy! It looks bad enough to let anger shape our "spontaneous" reactions to the person we love most, but there are more insidious long term effects of using dirty tricks when we fight.
Let's have a look at them:
When Dirty Tricks are used, this is what happens:
KITCHEN SINK WAY : it allows you to remember and say to your partner all the negative things that you can gather, even if they are not relevant and belong to the past. You show yourself as mean spirited and vengeful, and let the other person think that you are not trustable with personal information that can be used against them.
PERSONAL ATTACKS & INSULTS: you show that you have a "street fighter" mindset, not at the same level of what is needed for a personal relationship. The difference is day or night, as it hinges on destroying the other person's image as a friend, or correcting the difference and rescuing the other as a trusted partner.
SCAPEGOATING: when blaming another for what you did instead of taking full responsibility for your actions, either well intentioned or not, you show that you are not mature enough to be the owner of your own actions and their consequences.
GENERALIZING:, your way of not taking responsibility is diluting the act on a general frame where nobody has to be grown up enough to accept individual causation. The "mistakes were made" frame absolves everybody but never heals the other person's pain.
YELLING AND SCREAMING: now you are a child throwing a temper tantrum and getting to win your demand by overwhelming the other person. This is fatal to any relationship: you've scared the other person away and showed yourself incapable of self-restraint.
THREATENING: shows that you are ignorant of the skills necessary to negotiate as an adult, and prefer to scare the other person with your violence threats. You are going nowhere fast, and don't expect the other person, even if momentarily cowing in submission, to respect or appreciate you the least.
NAME CALLING: you are telling that, in the bottom of your heart, you don't accept your partner as an equal. It demonstrates that you think that the other person is somehow inferior and deserving your calling derogatory names to him/her. This attitude destroys a sense of shared companionship and trust.
PHYSICAL OR ANY PAIN INFLICTING: you have seriously crossed a delicate line, trespassing into the other person's individual space. This is usually a very serious event, which leaves the other person afraid of you and not trusting your ability to respect basic interpersonal boundaries.
Dirty tricks really can destroy a good relationship…here is a story that will move you, as it did move me:
I just wanted to share with you my story. I lost the love of my life due to his anger reactions, brought about mainly through drinking and sickness, which sometimes he would not control.
After many years together deeply in love, my partner lost his temper without provocation, except that I got in his way, and tried to kill me. He strangled me until I was unconscious and then rang the police to say he had killed me. Luckily I recovered, but our relationship did not.
I tried to forgive him but couldn't come to terms with the fact that I might be in an early grave because of his actions and I could never trust him again.
It put the power of the relationship in his hands, even when every time he raised his voice later, I would remember his capability for murder, forget about having a respectful conversation with him, and I would then stay in a motel for the night until he calmed down.
After about a year of this I decided to end the relationship permanently but was and still am extremely sad over it because I felt a very strong bond of love with this man. It has been four years now and I still suffer the loss.
"Anne Sutherland, Sydney, Australia"
Labels: "If Disputes have turned your relationship into a sour experience, this page may be the turning point to restore security and trust.
11 Tips for Fighting Fair in Marriage
November 8th, 2008 • Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
These tips for fighting fair in marriage, from marriage and family therapist Heather McKechnie, will help you build a healthy relationship without excessive stress!
“All married couples should learn the art of battle as they should learn the art of making love. Good battle is objective and honest–never vicious or cruel,” said Landers. “Good battle is healthy and constructive, and brings to a marriage the principle of equal partnership.”
And that’s what McKechnie’s marriage tips are about: communicating clearly and honestly. For more tips on building a healthy marriage, click on You Don’t Have to Change Who You Are to Have a Great Marriage by Dr Max Vogt. And, read on for McKechnie’s tips for fighting fair in marriage…
11 Tips for Fighting Fair in Marriage
1. Take responsibility for yourself and your behaviour. Take time to think before you speak or act, and admit it if you make a mistake. Don’t blame your partner. For help with marital infidelity, read Tips for Surviving an Emotional Affair or Why Men Cheat.
2. Be honest about yourself and what you have done, and let others do the same. Sharing honest thoughts and feelings is difficult, but it’s key to fighting fair in marriage.
3. Say, “I feel sad, angry, hurt, etc.” Don’t say, “It feels like…” Own your feelings, rather than trying to shift blame or guilt onto others for the feelings they trigger.
4. Never interpret yourself or someone else. It’s easier to keep communication open if you let people ask questions. Similarly, ask questions when you don’t understand — don’t try to guess what your partner thinks. When in doubt, ask for clarification. This isn’t just a tip for fighting fair in marriage, it works in all aspects of life!
5. Distinguish between thoughts and feelings. Your feelings come from within ourselves, not from other people. When we attribute your feelings to other people, you lose our right to own them.
6. No name-calling. Calling names reflects our frustration in feeling misunderstood and serves only to make the other person defensive. When conversations turn to this, no one wins – and it doesn’t help you fight fair in marriage! Read 10 Tips for Talking to Your Spouse for communication tips.
7. Don’t bring up issues from the past. When you bring up old hurts or disappointments, it can be overwhelming and distracting. Piling on old issues only increases frustration and decreases hope.
8. Do not hit, scream, spit, throw or abuse in any way. There is no benefit to any conversation that has deteriorated to this level. To fight fair in marriage, stay in touch with yourself and your feelings. Learn to recognize when your patience ends and anger builds. For more marriage tips, read 10 Ways to Improve a Bad Relationship.
9. Don’t badmouth your partner to your children or anyone else. We all need outlets to vent our frustrations – but filling a friend, child or relative’s ear with criticisms benefits no one. It is not fair to burden a child with adult issues that they have no control over. If you can’t resolve conflicts, consider professional help to build a better marriage or explore the wide variety of self-help books that may assist you both.
10. Recognize your limits. If you feel yourself losing it, call a time-out. This is an important tip for fighting fair in marriage — and it needs to be accepted before discussions begin. It is amazing how a 5-minute break can diffuse a heated conversation! It’s also important to recognize that your limit is likely to be different than your partner’s.
11. Remember to breathe and stay calm. This seems like such a simple tip for fighting fair in marriage, but breathing works wonders! When concentrating, most people tend to hold their breath. This forces the body to move into a survivor mode, which decreases the ability to listen. By focusing on our breath, we can maintain a calm and detached discussion that increases the likelihood of both partners feeling honored, cherished and understood.
Labels: 11 Tips for Fighting Fair in Marriage
How to Fight Fair in Marriage
By Simon Presland
Fighting is one of the ways we resolve marital conflicts. Following are ten guidelines to help you do it in a healthy way.
1. Face your fear of confrontation
Do you cringe at the thought of confrontation? Due to past experiences, you may perceive any conflict or confrontation as an emotionally crushing experience. You may believe, "If we clash, I'll be judged, or worse, rejected." Marriage counselor and minister Luke Perry, points out that a fear-based mentality is the root of this perception.
"Spouses who think this way are caught in a cycle of self-condemnation," he says. "This is often due to a lack of acceptance while growing up. When this fear controls a person, confrontation can be very painful."
Overcoming this fear starts with understanding that confronting your spouse is an act of love. It may be helpful to write down a list of the benefits that will result when the hurtful issue is resolved. This will keep you focused on the reasons for talking about the situation. Refer to it when either you or your spouse becomes defensive. Shining a positive light on a delicate confrontation will help keep peace between you.
2. Discuss the conflict as soon as possible
The old proverb, "time heals all wounds" does not apply to conflicts in marriage. But the modern-day saying, "timing is everything" does. When an irritating issue is unresolved, it builds emotional distance between you and your spouse. And just like a splinter, the issue gets under your skin and continues to fester until it is dealt with.
When your spouse's behavior bothers you, make a decision to confront your mate as soon as possible. If the issue needs your undivided attention, choose a time when no one else is around-even if you have to ask for a few minutes alone together.
3. State exactly what is bothering you
Donna was upset. She had repeatedly asked Frank to pick up his clothes. But, once again, she stared down at his dirty socks lying on the bedroom floor. "I shouldn't make such a big deal out of it," she thought. "After all, I'm the one who's home all day."
Justifying an irritating action or hoping an issue will just go away doesn't work. Hiding the pain that you feel today will only later resurface in the form of sarcasm, criticism, or anger. When you choose to overlook a potential conflict, you allow resentment to build, while inviting strife and division to take up residence. It also means that you are giving your mate permission to continue his or her bothersome behavior.
For a marriage to remain on equal footing, both spouses must take responsibility for their actions. Be willing to state exactly what is that you don't like. Then the two of you can discuss some specific solutions.
4. Stick to the subject at hand
In many marriages, confronting an issue is the gunpowder that ignites World War III. Defenses kick in. Accusations fly. And by the time the smoke has cleared, spouses have bombed each other with everything that has happened since the day they were married.
When you decide to face an issue, don't allow yourself-or your mate-to drag in past hurts. Deal with one issue at a time. Make a rule between yourselves that if neither is willing to discuss a sore point as soon as it happens, then the issue cannot be used as ammunition for future fights.
5. If your spouse says you do, then it's true
When confronted with an issue, your first response may be to hide behind statements such as, "No I don't" or "You're just exaggerating." When your mate states that you're doing something irritating, trust him or her. Consciously choose to look past your defensive walls and ask your spouse, "Why does this bother you?" Then listen to what is being said. Try to see his or her point of view, and be willing to change for the good of your marriage.
6. Avoid generalizing
"You're always putting down my family," Tom fumed to Becky as they left his parent's house. "Can't you ever say anything nice about them?"
"Always?" Becky yelled. "You think that I'm always putting down your family?" Extreme words such as always, never, right, wrong, good, or bad will cause your mate to be defensive and lash out at you. These words generalize a situation without giving proof that what you are saying is true. Stick to concrete examples of present-day behavior. Then your spouse will have a vivid illustration of his or her actions.
7. Avoid personal insults and character assassination
"Attacking your mate's character is the best way to make an enemy for life," says Pastor Luke Perry. "To avoid this, it is important to see the issue as the problem-not your spouse. This is how God deals with us. He tells us of his infinite acceptance, yet confronts us on issues that do not line up with his word."
Stay focused on the issue at hand. This will help you to remain objective and express your thoughts clearly without alienating your spouse through personal attacks.
8. Confront with truth. Affirm with love
"Honey, I really appreciate all of your hard work around the house. But when I asked you to bring in the mail, you ignored my wishes. Why is that?"
The best way to talk about something negative is to start with something positive. Next, state the issue, and give your mate the opportunity to reflect on the problem you've presented. Your partner may not realize that their actions are upsetting you. And when you give your spouse a chance to think things through, he or she may surprise you with a positive response.
9. Listen to learn
"When couples come into my office we rarely deal with the real issues during the first session," says Pastor Luke. "Sadly, many couples have never learned the art of conversation. And they are so buried in their hurts, they cannot put their feelings into words."
Be ready to listen to your spouse after you confront him or her. Just as you want to be heard, so does your spouse. If there are hurt feelings involved, be patient as you wade through the tough issues together.
As you ask your spouse to see from your perspective, be willing to see from his or hers as well. Are there changes that need to be made on your part? Confrontation can be an opportunity to learn new things about your spouse, as well as develop greater teamwork and accountability together.
10. Confront to heal, not to win
Some people view conflict and confrontation as a win-lose situation. These spouses see being right as far more important than the marital relationship. But working out a hurtful issue is not about who's right and who's wrong. Your goal should not be to win, but to confront a conflict and restore the harmony in your relationship.
Whenever possible, the solution to a problem should benefit both parties. When both spouses feel good about a resolution, it will reestablish the emotional bond between the two of you. Confronting to heal instead of to win will keep your marriage on healthy ground.
Labels: How to Fight Fair in Marriage
How to Fight Fair in Marriage
By Simon Presland
Fighting is one of the ways we resolve marital conflicts. Following are ten guidelines to help you do it in a healthy way.
1. Face your fear of confrontation
Do you cringe at the thought of confrontation? Due to past experiences, you may perceive any conflict or confrontation as an emotionally crushing experience. You may believe, "If we clash, I'll be judged, or worse, rejected." Marriage counselor and minister Luke Perry, points out that a fear-based mentality is the root of this perception.
"Spouses who think this way are caught in a cycle of self-condemnation," he says. "This is often due to a lack of acceptance while growing up. When this fear controls a person, confrontation can be very painful."
Overcoming this fear starts with understanding that confronting your spouse is an act of love. It may be helpful to write down a list of the benefits that will result when the hurtful issue is resolved. This will keep you focused on the reasons for talking about the situation. Refer to it when either you or your spouse becomes defensive. Shining a positive light on a delicate confrontation will help keep peace between you.
2. Discuss the conflict as soon as possible
The old proverb, "time heals all wounds" does not apply to conflicts in marriage. But the modern-day saying, "timing is everything" does. When an irritating issue is unresolved, it builds emotional distance between you and your spouse. And just like a splinter, the issue gets under your skin and continues to fester until it is dealt with.
When your spouse's behavior bothers you, make a decision to confront your mate as soon as possible. If the issue needs your undivided attention, choose a time when no one else is around-even if you have to ask for a few minutes alone together.
3. State exactly what is bothering you
Donna was upset. She had repeatedly asked Frank to pick up his clothes. But, once again, she stared down at his dirty socks lying on the bedroom floor. "I shouldn't make such a big deal out of it," she thought. "After all, I'm the one who's home all day."
Justifying an irritating action or hoping an issue will just go away doesn't work. Hiding the pain that you feel today will only later resurface in the form of sarcasm, criticism, or anger. When you choose to overlook a potential conflict, you allow resentment to build, while inviting strife and division to take up residence. It also means that you are giving your mate permission to continue his or her bothersome behavior.
For a marriage to remain on equal footing, both spouses must take responsibility for their actions. Be willing to state exactly what is that you don't like. Then the two of you can discuss some specific solutions.
4. Stick to the subject at hand
In many marriages, confronting an issue is the gunpowder that ignites World War III. Defenses kick in. Accusations fly. And by the time the smoke has cleared, spouses have bombed each other with everything that has happened since the day they were married.
When you decide to face an issue, don't allow yourself-or your mate-to drag in past hurts. Deal with one issue at a time. Make a rule between yourselves that if neither is willing to discuss a sore point as soon as it happens, then the issue cannot be used as ammunition for future fights.
5. If your spouse says you do, then it's true
When confronted with an issue, your first response may be to hide behind statements such as, "No I don't" or "You're just exaggerating." When your mate states that you're doing something irritating, trust him or her. Consciously choose to look past your defensive walls and ask your spouse, "Why does this bother you?" Then listen to what is being said. Try to see his or her point of view, and be willing to change for the good of your marriage.
6. Avoid generalizing
"You're always putting down my family," Tom fumed to Becky as they left his parent's house. "Can't you ever say anything nice about them?"
"Always?" Becky yelled. "You think that I'm always putting down your family?" Extreme words such as always, never, right, wrong, good, or bad will cause your mate to be defensive and lash out at you. These words generalize a situation without giving proof that what you are saying is true. Stick to concrete examples of present-day behavior. Then your spouse will have a vivid illustration of his or her actions.
7. Avoid personal insults and character assassination
"Attacking your mate's character is the best way to make an enemy for life," says Pastor Luke Perry. "To avoid this, it is important to see the issue as the problem-not your spouse. This is how God deals with us. He tells us of his infinite acceptance, yet confronts us on issues that do not line up with his word."
Stay focused on the issue at hand. This will help you to remain objective and express your thoughts clearly without alienating your spouse through personal attacks.
8. Confront with truth. Affirm with love
"Honey, I really appreciate all of your hard work around the house. But when I asked you to bring in the mail, you ignored my wishes. Why is that?"
The best way to talk about something negative is to start with something positive. Next, state the issue, and give your mate the opportunity to reflect on the problem you've presented. Your partner may not realize that their actions are upsetting you. And when you give your spouse a chance to think things through, he or she may surprise you with a positive response.
9. Listen to learn
"When couples come into my office we rarely deal with the real issues during the first session," says Pastor Luke. "Sadly, many couples have never learned the art of conversation. And they are so buried in their hurts, they cannot put their feelings into words."
Be ready to listen to your spouse after you confront him or her. Just as you want to be heard, so does your spouse. If there are hurt feelings involved, be patient as you wade through the tough issues together.
As you ask your spouse to see from your perspective, be willing to see from his or hers as well. Are there changes that need to be made on your part? Confrontation can be an opportunity to learn new things about your spouse, as well as develop greater teamwork and accountability together.
10. Confront to heal, not to win
Some people view conflict and confrontation as a win-lose situation. These spouses see being right as far more important than the marital relationship. But working out a hurtful issue is not about who's right and who's wrong. Your goal should not be to win, but to confront a conflict and restore the harmony in your relationship.
Whenever possible, the solution to a problem should benefit both parties. When both spouses feel good about a resolution, it will reestablish the emotional bond between the two of you. Confronting to heal instead of to win will keep your marriage on healthy ground.
Labels: How to Fight Fair in Marriage
12 Skills Summary
Conflict Resolution Skills
The win/win approach
How can we solve this as partners rather than opponents?
Creative response
Transform problems into creative opportunities.
Empathy
Develop communication tools to build rapport. Use listening to clarify understanding.
Appropriate assertiveness
Apply strategies to attack the problem not the person.
Co-operative power
Eliminate "power over" to build "power with" others.
Managing emotions
Express fear, anger, hurt and frustration wisely to effect change.
Willingness to Resolve
Name personal issues that cloud the picture.
Mapping the conflict
Define the issues needed to chart common needs and concerns.
Development of options
Design creative solutions together.
Introduction to negotiation
Plan and apply effective strategies to reach agreement.
Introduction to mediation
Help conflicting parties to move towards solutions.
Broadening perspectives
Three articles on running meetings in conflict resolving mode.
Labels: Conflict Resolution Skills
I came across this site looking for support. I rarely talk about what happened to me in great detail. I have told people before that I was raped or abused but I hardly ever tell how it happened. I started therapy recently and for the first time managed to actually speak to someone face to face about my experience and not feel terrified of what they would think of me. I am in my mid twenties right now but the abuse I suffered was as a child. I was nine years old and living with my mother. My father had died a few years before and my mother pretty much hated me. She worked various part time jobs but always managed to get fired from them. She drank and did drugs and had a habit of dragging strange men home all the time. A different guy every night, some would come back and some I never saw again. I don't really know if she had gotten money from any of them but I do know that she got her drugs and booze off many of them. One guy that she brought home though stayed for quite a while. I will call him Sid. Sid liked both men and women and it wasn't unusual for him to bring another guy or girl to the house with him. After a short time Sid ended up moving into our trailer. He was unemployed, a lush and physically abusive to both my mother and myself. It was not odd to see my mothers face bruised and bloody. She lost many teeth from the times that Sid had punched her in the face. He used to beat her in the head till she would pass out, he broke her nose once and once I came home from school to find my mothers arm in a cast. I asked her what had happened and she said Sid. Thats all she had to say. It ended up that Sid would watch me while my mother was at work. Most of the time he would sit on the couch and get drunk, other times he would get pissed for no reason and he would start to hit me, sometimes with his hands, sometimes with an object. The wooden yard stick that my mother kept behind the stove was his favorite. We had a gas stove too and he loved to threaten me by trying to force my hands over the fire till I would scream, then he would let go of me and I would run away. He lived at our house for about two months before the first time that he actually abused me sexually. I walked into the living room and he spotted me. He asked me what I was doing and I told him that I had to use the toilet so he told me to go on to the bathroom. When I was done he called me into the living room and told me to sit on the couch. I told him that I was tired and wanted to go to bed so he waved me off but I remember him watching me as I walked out of the room. I next remember hearing him walk into my bedroom. I turned to ask what he wanted but he grabbed me suddenly and forced me face first onto the bed, pinning my arms behind my back. I screamed because I thought he was going to break my arms. I was scared and I remembered thinking that a beating was coming. I remember thinking, what did I do now? I was good, why is he doing this? But I wasn't prepared for what he did next. I wanted to scream but I couldn't. The next thing that I remember is feeling him pushing against me. I screamed then because of the pain. After a while I passed out, he did what he wanted to me and when he was done he went back in the living room and popped open a beer. I woke up on the floor later, crying, my face stained with tears and a horrible pain in my back side. I went to the bath room and washed the blood and his mess off me and when I came back out he told me, without even looking at me, that if I told anyone that he would kill me and my mother both. I ran back to my room and cried myself to sleep. The next night he came again, and the night after that. It became a regular thing, I was too scared to tell anyone but one fateful night mother happened to come home early and caught him. She called the police and he was arrested but to this day she told me that it was my fault that it happened because I knew he liked men too and that I acted to sexy around him. A nine year old and I was too sexy? I don't see my mother now, and I am not sure if I can forgive her. I just wish she could have held me and told me that she was sorry.
by noonessonon 3 Nov 2005
Labels: I came across this site looking for support. I rarely talk about what happened to me in great detai
I can't believe this has happened (and is happening) to so many people. I feel for all of you out there who've been raped or abused, I've been through it once too.
My mum was in England with my grandpa at the time and my brother, sister and I were left with my dad for around 10 days. On one of those days as I was walking past my dad's room to go to my own, right after having a shower, my dad called me into his room. I told him to wait a second because I had to get dressed but he insisted that I just go to him. (I was only around 6 years old at the time and I didn't know anything about sex). I went into the room and saw him lying on his bed naked and he asked me to lie down next to him.. again I insisted I go get dressed first but he told me to shut-up and obey so I did. He made me do things to him and after a while he let me go and that was it. I was confused and didn't know what had just happened and I guess I forgot about it then. A while later I got a flashback of what happened and I told my sister about it. Apparently she had seen me go in his room that day and 'knew' what was going to happen but was too young and helpless to do anything about it. She also told me that he was doing the same to her, the difference being that with me it was just once but the bastard did it to her for practically her whole childhood. I hate my dad with a passion but me and my sister have to act as though nothing ever happened and live as normally as we can (which we do). We talk about it occasionally but it hurts too much. We decided never to tell our mum because we don't want her going through such pain. My sister is now 18 and I'm almost 17. She is the person I look up to the most in this world and I love her to death. I have recently told my boyfriend about this and he's been so great and I love him with all my heart.
by T.H. on 23 Oct 2005
Labels: I can't believe this has happened
7 Ground Rules for Conflict Resolution by Charlotte A. Michie
There is no such thing as a conflict free relationship. Some people have the mistaken belief that a happy partnership or marriage should be no arguing, fighting, or conflict of any kind if they really loved each other. Of course, that is a formula for disaster. The word argument comes from the Latin arguere, to make clear. Is that not what each partner’s intention is, to make clear his or her position? Listed below are guidelines to assist you in making yourself clear without making matters worse.
1. Identify the problem situation and make an appointment with your partner/spouse to discuss it.
2. Limit the discussion to only the issue that is adversely affecting your relationship right now. Do not talk about other issues or bring up past behaviors that you believe strengthens your case. Agree to take a time out if responses on either part become punitive in nature. If either party calls a time out, the other will agree rather than “push back”.
3. Invite your partner/spouse to talk without interruption and request the same courtesy for yourself.
4. Start your discussion by stating three things your partner/spouse has done right. Then tell your partner/spouse the behavior(s) that have created a problem for you.
5. Avoid your partner/spouse’s vulnerabilities or emotional sensitivities. This means no hitting below the belt.
6. Talk with each other from a position of mutual respect. Your discussion should include:
a. My feelings and needs,
b. Your feelings and needs,
c. The reality factors in the situation.
7. Remind yourself and your partner/spouse that the goal of the discussion is resolution and it is an opportunity to create a better situation for both of you. Engage your partner/spouse in a discussion of creative solutions and alternatives that would meet both of your needs.
Labels: 7 Ground Rules for Conflict Resolution
For me, it began with a visit to my biological father (at age 13), whom I had no memory of, since my Mother left him when I was less than a year old. My older brother lived with him until he was 10, then came to live with us. He talked all the time about how great our father was, so eventually I became adamant about meeting him myself. My Mother was reluctant, knowing what he really was, but knew that I had to find out for myself. Understand that she did not know he was sexually abusive, only that he had been physically abusive to her, and his other wives. Feeling that I would be safe, as long as my brother was with me, she allowed me to go. The first day was wonderful, he was caring and compassionate, curious about my life. The next day, he started drinking and that night he called me into his bedroom. At first I thought that him rubbing my leg while talking to me was "fatherly" love, but soon it turned into rubbing between my legs and telling me to take my clothes off. When I resisted, he threatened to tell my brother, who was asleep in the next room, that I had initiated the contact and that he would ensure that I would never see him again if I did not comply. I idolized my brother, I had only been with him for a very few years, and honestly had no idea of the whole sex thing so I didn't know what was in store for me, so I complied with his wishes, after all, he was my father, wasn't he? I was forced to have compliant "adult" sex, being directed to moan correctly, say that he was the best, ask for more and tell him that I loved him. Over the next two weeks, this was a nightly ritual, with him trying to talk me into staying to live with him, as his wife. During the day, when the three of us would go sightseeing, he would send my brother off on some errand so that he could touch me, getting me "ready for the night". Finally I had had enough, called my Mother from a payphone, in tears, and asked to come home, never telling her why, just that he was mean to me. I buried the whole thing, and went on with a life filled with self-destructive behavior, drinking, drugs, thoughts of suicide and putting myself in positions where I was abused by other men in various ways. I never told a soul until I was 21, married, and had a flashback during sex with my husband. He must has though I was crazy. I opened my eyes while he was on top of me and saw the face of my father. I screamed, cried and tried to hide in the corner. When he finally got me to come out, I was able to relate a small part of the story to him and he forced me into counseling. It only took one session with a doctor who told me it was ok to be angry and that it wasn't my fault. That's when the healing began. Over the years I have read countless books on violence and began to understand that my father had a pathological hatred of women. He beat them all, he had 7 wives and many children, only one of which I know. 30 years later, I am strong, able to tell my story, willing to tell my story to help others understand that you really can emerge from the darkness. Don't let your fear stop you, take baby steps if you have to, but don't let your abuser continue to rule your life. You are not alone, reach out and you will find that there are many of us willing to help, and that you can help, just by understanding. Nobody truly understands what we feel, unless they have been there. If you have been there, you have the capacity to make something positive out of your pain and your abuser has lost the battle over your soul.
by Tammyon 3 Mar 2004
Labels: For me, it began with a visit to my biological father (at age 13)
For me, it began with a visit to my biological father (at age 13), whom I had no memory of, since my Mother left him when I was less than a year old. My older brother lived with him until he was 10, then came to live with us. He talked all the time about how great our father was, so eventually I became adamant about meeting him myself. My Mother was reluctant, knowing what he really was, but knew that I had to find out for myself. Understand that she did not know he was sexually abusive, only that he had been physically abusive to her, and his other wives. Feeling that I would be safe, as long as my brother was with me, she allowed me to go. The first day was wonderful, he was caring and compassionate, curious about my life. The next day, he started drinking and that night he called me into his bedroom. At first I thought that him rubbing my leg while talking to me was "fatherly" love, but soon it turned into rubbing between my legs and telling me to take my clothes off. When I resisted, he threatened to tell my brother, who was asleep in the next room, that I had initiated the contact and that he would ensure that I would never see him again if I did not comply. I idolized my brother, I had only been with him for a very few years, and honestly had no idea of the whole sex thing so I didn't know what was in store for me, so I complied with his wishes, after all, he was my father, wasn't he? I was forced to have compliant "adult" sex, being directed to moan correctly, say that he was the best, ask for more and tell him that I loved him. Over the next two weeks, this was a nightly ritual, with him trying to talk me into staying to live with him, as his wife. During the day, when the three of us would go sightseeing, he would send my brother off on some errand so that he could touch me, getting me "ready for the night". Finally I had had enough, called my Mother from a payphone, in tears, and asked to come home, never telling her why, just that he was mean to me. I buried the whole thing, and went on with a life filled with self-destructive behavior, drinking, drugs, thoughts of suicide and putting myself in positions where I was abused by other men in various ways. I never told a soul until I was 21, married, and had a flashback during sex with my husband. He must has though I was crazy. I opened my eyes while he was on top of me and saw the face of my father. I screamed, cried and tried to hide in the corner. When he finally got me to come out, I was able to relate a small part of the story to him and he forced me into counseling. It only took one session with a doctor who told me it was ok to be angry and that it wasn't my fault. That's when the healing began. Over the years I have read countless books on violence and began to understand that my father had a pathological hatred of women. He beat them all, he had 7 wives and many children, only one of which I know. 30 years later, I am strong, able to tell my story, willing to tell my story to help others understand that you really can emerge from the darkness. Don't let your fear stop you, take baby steps if you have to, but don't let your abuser continue to rule your life. You are not alone, reach out and you will find that there are many of us willing to help, and that you can help, just by understanding. Nobody truly understands what we feel, unless they have been there. If you have been there, you have the capacity to make something positive out of your pain and your abuser has lost the battle over your soul.
by Tammyon 3 Mar 2004
Labels: For me, it began with a visit to my biological father (at age 13)
Common Marriage Problems – Avoiding common marriage problems in your conflicts
Common marriage problems that most couples face often have to do with how a husband and wife manage their conflict. If you and your spouse can learn to argue in a way that avoids certain "deadly toxins" that can poison your communication, you can avoid some of the most common marriage problems.
Common marriage problems, according to the research of marriage expert Dr. John Gottman, appear in the way you two communicate with each other. He names four disastrous ways of interacting that will sabotage your attempts to resolve marriage problems constructively. In order of least to most dangerous, the common marriage problems are (1) criticism, (2) contempt, (3) defensiveness, and (4) stonewalling.
Common Marriage Problem #1: Criticism
Common marriage problem #1, criticism, involves attacking someone’s personality rather than their behavior. Everyone has the right to complain. Airing a complaint, though rarely pleasant, is a healthy marital activity, and much healthier than suppressing the grievance. Criticism, on the other hand, entails blaming, making a personal attack or an accusation. Whereas complaints usually begin with the word I, criticisms begin with you. For example, “I wish we went out more than we do” is a complaint. “You never take me anywhere” is a criticism. Criticism is just a short hop beyond complaining. It may seem like splitting hairs to label it one of the four main common marriage problems, but receiving a criticism really does feel far worse than receiving a complaint.
Common Marriage Problem #2: Contempt
Common marriage problem #2, contempt, leads directly from the first. And it is such a big problem for a marriage because it poisons a relationship whether a couple has been together four months or forty years. What separates contempt from criticism, according to Gottman, “is the intention to insult and psychologically abuse your partner.” When contempt appears, it overwhelms the marriage and blots out positive feelings between partners. Some of the most common expressions of contempt are name-calling, hostile humor, and mockery. These are all examples of the second common marriage problem, and once they've entered a home, the marriage goes from bad to worse.
Common Marriage Problem #3: Defensiveness
Common marriage problem #3, defensiveness, enters the picture once contempt is present. Both spouses may feel victimized by the other, so that neither is willing to take responsibility for setting things right. One of the reasons defensiveness is so destructive is that it becomes a reflex. The “victim,” reacting instinctively, doesn’t see anything wrong with being defensive. But this common marriage problem tends to escalate marriage problems rather than resolving them. Every time either spouse feels completely righteous in their stance, every time they make excuses and deny responsibility, they add to their marital problems.
Common Marriage Problem #4: Stonewalling
Common marriage problem #4, stonewalling, appears when you're nearing rock bottom. This is when you simply stop responding, even defensively, to your mate's accusations. Most stonewallers (about 85%) are men. Feeling overwhelmed by emotions and the problems the marriage is facing, they start withdrawing by presenting a “stone wall” response. They try to keep their faces immobile, avoid eye contact, and avoid nodding their heads to indicate they are listening. Stonewalling itself is a very powerful act. It conveys disapproval, icy distance, and smugness.
This fourth common marriage problem need not mark the end of a marriage, but once routine interactions have deteriorated to this extent, the marriage is very fragile and will require a good deal of work to save. Keep in mind that anyone may stonewall or become defensive, contemptuous, or critical. Even with very happy couples these behaviors occasionally appear during an intense marital conflict. The real danger here is letting these common marriage problems become habitual ways of interacting.
Labels: Common Marriage Problems – Avoiding common marriage problems in your conflicts
Ten Tips for a Happy Marriage
by Renee Dietz
25 JAN 2006 04:17 PM
Marriage for anyone can be challenging at times, no matter how much in love you are. Chances are you have heard your parents or grandparents tell you that to have a happy marriage you need to work at it, doing things to keep the spark alive. The good news is that you can enjoy a wonderful, fulfilled marriage simply by working at it as a team. As you will discover below with these 10 tips, a happy marriage is possible.
1.Instead of trying to change something, he or she does - change you! Far too often, people get married with the belief they can simply change the person they married, molding him or her into the "perfect" mate. Instead, you need to accept your mate for the person he/she is. If a behavior needs to be changed, then provide support and encouragement. For example, if your husband complains about not having clean clothes, rather than nag at him, show him how to launder his shirts, jeans, or whatever it is he needs.
2.Communication is a key ingredient to any successful marriage. That means talking through situations rather than bottling up or yelling. By showing respect, you can work together as a couple should. With this, the two of you can talk to understand the other person's side better.
3.Keep intimacy as a part of the marriage. Remember, this person is the one you love, the one you want to share your life with, which means letting go of inhibitions. Intimacy is an excellent way to stay close, doing wonders for any marriage.
4.Accept the flaws in your spouse. Since no one is perfect, you want to learn to appreciate the differences between the two of you. If your husband wakes up with bad hair or your wife is grumpy, love him/her, in spite of the flaws.
5.Learn to ignore the small stuff. Every marriage faces challenges, some big and some small. Remind yourself that life is precious and short. Therefore, focus on the larger battles, working through them as a team while letting go of the incidentals that in the big scheme of things does not matter.
6.Make sure you choose your battles wisely. If you are going to pick something apart, make sure it really matters. Unfortunately, unresolved arguments are a big issue in marriages, often leading to divorce. Therefore, unless the issue is something significant, learn to let some things roll off your back.
7.Time for friends is also crucial. Once every other week, you should both take one day or evening to spend time apart and with same-sex friends. This will help you maintain your own identity and appreciate the time you have with your spouse.
8.Never take your spouse for granted. Again, life is too precious. Instead, find things that your partner does well or things that please you and let him/her know. If your husband is outside working on the car, take time to bring him a cold glass of tea or lemonade...just because. If your wife has been home all day with the children, hire a babysitter and surprise her with a dinner out.
9.Date...just because you are now legally married, you should not stop dating. Every Friday or Saturday night, even if you have children, make a date. This could be something as simple as bowling and beer or a romantic dinner and concert. The activity is not important, just that you get time for just the two of you.
10.Be forgiving with your partner. You will be faced with tough times and you have a choice of forgiving him/her when a mistake happens or carrying it in the marriage. Obviously, if you do not forgive, the marriage will suffer. Therefore, if resolution is found, swallow your pride and forgive your mate, letting the new day be another beginning.
Labels: Ten Tips for a Happy Marriage
Making marriage work - conflict resolution
Family Features 2007-11-21 13:01
The Chinese have a saying that even the teeth would sometime bite the tongue. It is an apt saying to remind us that even in the closest and most loving of human relationships, in marriage there will be times when conflict does arise and call for resolution.
Misunderstanding is very often the source of a conflict arising. One spouse might perceive the other's action or inaction or words as being very unreasonable and most inappropriate in a given circumstance. Parties are quick to take their positions and justify their stand rather than to try to seek to understand the other party.
Added to this problem of a misunderstanding that has given rise to a conflict is the pride within each one of us to refuse to say sorry and to put up a bold front and say that I am not going to swallow my pride and to seek for forgiveness or reconciliation. A cold war might go on for days before the conflict is resolved and in between, there is tension and much unhappiness.
Dr James Dobson, in his customary frankness tackles this delicate problem in a series of questions and answers set out below.
"Misunderstanding is very often the source of a conflict arising."
Question: You have said every healthy married couple should learn how to fight. What do you mean by that?
Answer: What I have said is that people need to learn how to fight fair, because there is a big difference between healthy and unhealthy combat in marriage. In an unstable marriage, hostility is aimed at the partner, below the belt, with comments like "You never do anything right!" and "Why did I marry you in the first place?" and "You're getting more like your mother every day!" These offensive remarks strike at the very heart of the mate's self-worth.
Healthy conflict, by contrast, is focused on the issues that cause disagreement. For example: "It upsets me when you don't tell me you're going to be late for dinner." Or: "I was embarrassed when you made me look foolish at the party last night."
Can you hear the difference in these two approaches? The first assaults the dignity of the partner while the second is addressed to the source of conflict. When couples learn this important distinction, they can work through their disagreements without wounding and insulting each other.
Question: My wife and I sometimes get into fights when neither of us really wants to argue. I'm not even sure how it happens. We just find ourselves locking horns and then feeling bad about it later. Why can't we get along even when we want to?
Answer: To answer the question, I would need to know more about the circumstances that set off the two of you. The best I can do is describe one of the most common sources of conflict between people who are committed to each other. I call it experiencing "differing assumptions." Let me explain.
When husbands and wives engage one another in angry combat they often feel hurt, rejected, and assaulted by the other person. But when these battles are analyzed objectively, we often see that neither side really meant to wound the other. The pain resulted not from intentional insults but from the natural consequences of seeing things from different angles.
For example, a man might assume that Saturday is his day to play golf or watch a game on television because he worked hard all week and deserves a day off. Who could blame him? But his wife might justifiably assume that he should take the kids off her hands for a few hours because she's been wiping runny noses and changing diapers all week long. She deserved a break today and expected him to give it to her. Again, it's a pretty reasonable assumption. When these unique perspectives collide, about eight o'clock on Saturday morning, the sparks start to fly.
How can you avoid the stresses of differing assumptions at home? By making sure that you and your wife get no surprises. Most of us can cope with anything if we see it coming in time.
Question: My wife and I love each other very much, but we're going through a time of apathy. We just don't feel close to each other. Is this normal, and is there a way to bring back the fire?
Answer: This happens sooner or later in every marriage. A man and woman just seem to lose the wind in their romantic sails for a period of time.
Their plight reminds me of seamen back in the days of wooden vessels. Sailors in that era had much to fear, including pirates, storms, and diseases. But their greatest fear was that the ship might encounter the Doldrums. The Doldrums was an area of the ocean near the equator characterized by calm and very light shifting winds. It could mean certain death for the entire crew. The ship's food and water supply would be exhausted as they drifted for days, or even weeks, waiting for a breeze to put them back on course.
Well, marriages that were once exciting and loving can also get caught in the romantic doldrums, causing a slow and painful death to the relationship. Author Doug Fields, in his book Creative Romance, writes, "Dating and romancing your spouse can change those patterns, and it can be a lot of fun. There's no quick fix to a stagnant marriage, of course, but you can lay aside the excuses and begin to date your sweetheart." In fact, you might want to try thinking like a teenager again. Let me explain.
Recall for a moment the craziness of your dating days--the coy attitudes, the flirting, the fantasies, the chasing after the prize. As we moved from courtship into marriage, most of us felt we should grow up and leave the game playing behind. But we may not have matured as much as we'd like to think.
In some ways, our romantic relationships will always bear some characteristic of adolescent sexuality. Adults still love the thrill of the chase, the lure of the unattainable, excitement of the new and boredom with the old. Immature impulses are controlled and minimized in a committed relationship, of course, but they never fully disappear.
This could help you keep vitality in your marriage. When things have grown stale between you and your spouse, maybe you should remember some old tricks. How about breakfast in bed? A kiss in the rain? Or re-reading those old love letters together? A night in a nearby hotel? A phone call in the middle of the day? A long-stem red rose and a love note? There are dozens of ways to fill the sails with wind once more.
If it all sounds a little immature to act like a teenager again, just keep this in mind: In the best marriages, the chase is never really over.
Question: You have said that the natural progression of a marriage is to become more distant rather than more intimate. Why is that true?
Answer: The natural tendency of everything in the universe is to move from order to disorder. If you buy a new car, it will steadily deteriorate from the day you drive it home. Your body is slowly aging. Your house has to be repainted and repaired every few summers. A business that is not managed carefully will unravel and collapse. A brick that is placed on a vacant lot and left there long enough will eventually turn to dust. Indeed, even the sun and all the stars are slowly burning themselves out. We are, in a manner of speaking, in a dying universe where everything that is not specifically being protected and upgraded is in a downward spiral.
The principle that governs this drift from order to disorder might be called "the law of disintegration." (Engineers and scientists sometimes call it "the law of entropy.") The only way to postpone or temporarily combat its influence is to invest creative energy and intelligent design into that which is to be preserved.
Not so surprisingly, human relationships also conform to the principle of disintegration. The natural tendency is for husbands and wives to drift away from each other unless they work at staying together. To provide another analogy, it is as though they were sitting in separate rowboats on a choppy lake. If they don't paddle vigorously to stay in the same neighborhood, one will drift to the north of the lake and the other to the south. That is exactly what happens when marital partners get too busy or distracted to maintain their love. If they don't take the time for romantic activities and experiences that draw them together, something precious begins to slip away. It doesn't have to be that way, of course, but the currents of life will separate them unless efforts are made to remain together.
Labels: Making marriage work - conflict resolution
Conflict Resolution:
Conflict is inevitable in relationships. No matter how much you love someone, you will have differing ideas, preferences, or favored activities. Learning how to resolve these differences, appropriately, can avoid prolonged or destructive anger and hostility. Conflict resolution skills include cultivating the right attitude as well as learning interpersonal techniques. An attitude of cooperation, valuingpartnership, demonstrating trust, and general goodwill toward one another aid in the goal of reducing and resolving conflicts. Consider the following principles for conflict resolution:
Try to take a problem-solving attitude toward issues, versus one of blame. Problem solving is much more practical and leads people in a different—and more productive—direction than blame. Assigning responsibility is useful to the degree it helps to generate solutions. Blame has a component of punishment attached.
Learn to take responsibility for your anger: other people can’t make you angry any more than they can make you happy or cause you to lose five pounds. It is true that you can take what they say to you, and as you dwell upon it, you can make yourself very angry about what they have said. You may think, “How dare he say that! He has no right,” but this is just your reaction to what was said.
When angry, you may need to discuss the issue at another time, or have a referee, or hold your discussion in a coffee shop (where the presence of others will keep both of you from yelling or insulting one another).
Alternatively, you can “argue” in writing. The advantage of writing to one another is that you may end up explaining your position more clearly, and are likely to remain respectful, as you commit your thoughts and words to paper. This is a good technique to de-fuse angry disagreements.
Include in your rules for arguments and discussions that neither of you will yell, call names, put down, or otherwise insult or demean the other.
Learn to take a "time out" in order to cool your anger until you’re able to be responsible for your behavior. Time outs should follow certain rules:
It’s not OK to use time outs to “ding” the other person, for example, after you’ve had the last word.
Time outs can’t be used to leave and go somewhere that will escalate the argument. That is, if you're arguing about whether you go to the local bar too often, then it’s not OK to take a time out so you can go to the bar.
On your time out do things that allow you to gain self-control and mellow out. You could exercise (walk, jog, bicycle), do relaxation exercises, stretching, or yoga, or meditate. Don’t do something that contributes to your anger—for many people, activities like working out on a punching bag can raise levels of aggression and anger.
7. Make use of “cool down” activities—less formal than time out’s, cool downs can be momentary breaks that allow both of you to catch your breath and de-escalate. You could offer to make a cup of tea or coffee, or a sandwich. You could propose a walk around the block. You could suggest, “Hey, let’s stop and take a deep breath.” Remember: this works better when you use I messages and are responsible for your own process. To say, “I’m feeling pretty tense…give me a moment here. How about if I get both of us some lemonade, so I can calm down, and we can continue to have a good discussion?” It usually doesn’t work if you say, “Hey, calm down!” You’re actions are likely to be perceived as a put down and an attempt to control the other person’s behavior. Concentrate on how you can manage your own behavior appropriately.
Labels: conflict resolution in marriage
Communication for Introverts, Extroverts in Love
Resolving Relationship Conflict Between Different Personality Types
Sep 23, 2007 Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
When opposites attract, introverts and extroverts in love often clash. Here's how to uncover personality traits, improve communication, and resolve relationship conflict.
Two major personality types are extroverts and introverts, which are opposite ends of the spectrum of personality traits. Extroverts and introverts are often attracted to one another – because opposites attract – but may find it difficult to build a strong relationship or marriage because of communication differences.
Though relationship conflict is inevitable, resolving conflict and improving communication is easier when you understand introvert and extrovert personality types. You might consider a personality test to determine if you're an introvert or an extrovert (online personality tests are usually easy and accurate). Or, you may just need to scan through these personality traits of introverts and extroverts to see your own personality profile.
Introverted Personality Traits
Introverts are usually energized by being alone, private, and quiet. Introverts are more sensitive to social rejection, and don't always see the world as a safe place.
Emotionally stable introverts are:
Passive
Careful
Thoughtful
Controlled
Reliable
Even-tempered
Calm
Emotionally unstable introverts can be:
Quiet
Pessimistic
Unsociable
Sober
Rigid
Moody
Anxious
Reserved
Extroverted Personality Traits
Extroverts tend to be energized by groups of people, conversation, and activity. Extroverts are less sensitive to rejection, and see the world as a safer place.
Emotionally stable extroverts are:
Sociable
Outgoing
Talkative
Responsive
Easygoing
Lively
Carefree
Leaderlike
Emotionally unstable extroverts can be:
Active
Optimistic
Impulsive
Changeable
Excitable
Aggressive
Restless
Touchy
(Source: Perspectives on Personality by Carver Scheier.)
Resolving Relationship Conflict Between Introverts and Extroverts in Love
Understanding your partner's personality traits is the key to resolving relationship conflict. The introvert needs to understand his extroverted partner's need for social activity; the extrovert needs to understand her introverted partner's need for privacy and downtime.
Finding compromise when opposites attract or when you're in the midst of different personality traits is also important. The introvert could go to the social event with the extrovert; the extrovert could agree to leave at an earlier time. The introvert could suggest comfortable solutions to situations the extrovert enjoys, such as smaller, more intimate dinner parties instead of huge events.
Accepting your differences is crucial. It's one thing to understand the personality profiles of introverts and extroverts; it's totally different to actually accept and even admire different personality traits. Acceptance means the introvert doesn't try to change the extrovert and vice versa. Acceptance means the extrovert really sees the value of the introvert's personality profile – and vice versa.
Personality testing isn't necessary when it comes to discovering introverted or extroverted personality traits. People generally have an idea of their own traits; the trick is for extroverts and introverts to find harmonious ways to live and love together.
If you found Communication for Introverts, Extroverts in Love helpful, you might find Resources for Extroverts and Introverts helpful.
Recommend Article!
The copyright of the article Communication for Introverts, Extroverts in Love in Marriage is owned by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen. Permission to republish Communication for Introverts, Extroverts in Love in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
Comments
Jun 27, 2009 4:28 PM Guest :
Great! So should extroverts and introverts be together? I find it frustrating when I want to go,go,go and my partner is slow, slow, slow. I don't diss them for it,but I feel they try to quiet me, slow me or make me feel like I need to relax more. I want to be me. I let them be them , but at times I am made to feel like I am too much. Therein lies the problem.
Jul 10, 2009 9:33 AM Guest :
I think the article says it best that both personalities need to have an understanding about what makes the other Tick. I used to get so dragged down when my wife just wanted to stay home and organize the closet without talking or we would sit next to eachother watchiing TV without interacting. But after reading a few books and this article I realized that it was just how she worked. We both came to a compromise. If I need her to Step it up she will and I will Tone down when she asks. I have honestly learned to relax alittle more and I see the difference in her when we are in social settings.
Aug 8, 2009 2:14 AM Guest :
I am very impressed with the article and I like what they are talking about because I'm introverted and some people think it is so bad but when someone knows your personality, and treat us differently, importantly, they know the peronalidad your partner or friends so they can get along.
Read more at Suite101: Communication for Introverts, Extroverts in Love: Resolving Relationship Conflict Between Different Personality Types | Suite101.com http://behavioural-psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/introverts_extroverts_in_love#ixzz0a31RLYW2
Labels: Resolving Relationship Conflict Between Different Personality Types
Conflict Resolution Strategies Skills For Resolving Conflict
By Blake Flannery
Conflict Makes Life Interesting
Conflict causes ill feelings, like an itch that needs to be scratched. It is however inevitable, and individuals can use conflict to their advantage. Musicians use sustaining chords to create an uneasy feeling before the satisfying resolving chord. Screenplay writers are masters of conflict. Without it, the story sucks, there’s no climax, and no resolution at the end. Artists use conflict in their works to make their art interesting.
Life’s conflicts make life interesting and sometimes funny; if you need an example, just watch any evening sitcom. Learn to deal with conflict appropriately, so you don’t have that awful itch sensation without the tools to scratch it.
Manage Conflict: Don't Let Conflict Manage You
Resolving conflict is an important skill to use when working with others, but it is necessary to understand the root of the conflict before using strategies to fix it. One misconception is that conflict is a negative thing; however, conflict is one of the best opportunities to strengthen relationships. Teams who are able to work through conflict become more likely to succeed in future. Conflict resolution in personal relationships is no different. The best strategies for resolving the conflict are going to depend on the situation. Some conflicts need to be resolved immediately. Resolving a conflict with peers may look much different than resolving a conflict with your boss. And consider the number of people involved.
Conflict Sources
Conflict can occur within ourselves or with others
Conflict Types
Another misconception is that conflict only occurs between individuals. Internal conflict can cause strife that is sometimes more difficult to identify and resolve. Before attempting to resolve conflict with another person you should be sure you do not have internal conflict. In other words, don’t fight when you don’t even know what you stand for.
Internal conflict is not when you are arguing about one thing with someone when you are really upset about them doing another thing. Internal conflict is the kind that makes you unhappy with no apparent reason. Refer to the illustration of potential conflict sources. Notice that all points written in black capital letters are within your own self or your own actions. Don’t forget that conflict can occur in these areas. Be sensitive to your own personal struggles to avoid projecting problems on others, and creating external conflict with others.
Internal conflict can feel just as bad as conflict with others. Photo by Sasha
Internal Conflict: Conflict within Yourself
You have a goal to become a songwriter and need to buy a guitar, but you are not saving your money for the guitar. You are using your money on frivolous items such as dining out and entertainment. In this case your behaviors are not in line with your established goal. This creates internal conflict that can produce negative feelings. In this case take responsibility and avoid blaming others. Just realizing the issue may give you enough insight and motivation to resolve the conflict.
Internal Conflict Identification activity:
Write your name in the middle of a blank piece of paper
Surround your name with words that describe you such as: Artist, Christian, Plumber, Giver, Lover, Competitive, etc. Go beyond physical descriptions.
Use another color and write another layer of your goals. Use action words such as: Attend College, Be a good mom, Keep my car clean, Visit my grandparents more, Become a great artist, etc.
Next, use another color and write your behaviors that relate to your descriptions of yourself and your goals such as: I paint every day, I take lessons sometimes, I used to place my art in contests, I change art teachers when they put down my work, and I never paint with other people.
Finally, Draw lines between your descriptions of yourself, your goals, and your actions that are related. For example: Artist----Become a great artist----used to paint every day---- sometimes take lessons----used to enter contests----change art teachers often----Don’t paint with others.
In this example, the person views himself or herself as an artist with the goal of becoming a great artist, but is clearly having trouble with being evaluated by others in different situations. In this case to resolve the internal conflict the person needs to modify goals and/or behaviors. The great solution here would be to create a new goal that was not at first apparent: Allow others to critique my art. The conflict could have been viewed as a conflict with others (everyone who ever gives negative feedback). The pattern of repeated conflict in different situations and settings illuminated the real issue. In this case a new goal and related set of behaviors, allowing others to critique, resolves the root of the internal conflict.
Notice that in this case the solution is to create more specific goals. In other words, to be a great artist is a goal, but accepting criticism is a specific attainable goal that will help the individual achieve the ultimate goal of becoming great. These new insights brought out by introspection result in personal growth and development.
Once the individual has resolved the internal conflict, he or she may need to apologize to those who have been inadvertently hurt as a result. For example, apologize to the art instructor that was cussed out for being honest. Becoming more aware of your own personal beliefs, goal, and values as well as noticing behaviors can prevent future internal conflict. After the internal conflict is resolved and conflict with others exists it is time to incorporate external conflict strategies.
Communication Type Characteristics
Assertiveness prevents conflict.
Gary Chapman\'s Five Love Languages: Learn the Languages
Helpful for romantic relationships. Understand what language he/she speaks.
Love and Logic Articles for Parents and Teachers
Helpful articles for parents and teachers from the Love and Logic parenting experts.
External Conflict: Conflict with Others
Since prevention is always easier than treatment, predicting causes of external conflict will be easier than trying to constantly put out fires. Strategies such as assertive communication can revolutionize relationships with others making conflict obsolete. This is due to assertiveness’s ability to communicate active, respectful, goal-oriented messages. The great thing about assertive people is they don’t easily lose their cool, respond appropriately, and stay to the point. Leaning to use “I” statements and questions will revolutionize interactions with others. Practice these until they become second nature. It is most difficult to be assertive when things heat up, so practice in benign conversation. Eventually, assertive statements will happen even when upset.
Chose now to break old habits, and commit to create new healthier habits. Get your emotions out by exercising, creating art, or singing. Screaming and cussing someone out will not feel good in the long run. So get emotions under control, at least one person must be under control to solve external conflict. Stop blaming, be the bigger man (or woman) and be the leader in your relationships.
Sources of Conflict:
Conflict with others comes from differences. Differences in beliefs, expectations, goals, values, and behaviors make us rub each other the wrong way easily. Just think of all conflict created by these differences in a marriage. For example, one person wants to save for a house, while the other person wants to have fun while they are young. One person values gifts from the other; the other person expects kind words. Conflict will continue until the values and expectations are exposed in each person.
Conflict Management Tools:
Two major prevalent tools exist to resolve conflict: Compromise and Collaboration. Each will be useful in different situations. Considerations include time constraints, number of people involved, relationships of parties involved, and differences of the people involved.
Compromise:
Compromise, the simpler of the two conflict resolution tools, is commonly promoted as the best way to get along and improve relationships. Collaboration, however, is less understood, more underestimated, and rarely used correctly. Compromise in simple terms means at least two parties giving up something in order to get something in return. It is a “meeting half way” strategy for settling mostly disputes. A great historical example is the Reconstruction ending Compromise of 1877. If unfamiliar, look it up.
Collaboration:
Collaboration, on the other hand, is another category of conflict resolution. Collaboration assumes that the conflict is due to differences in people, but it takes a progressive approach to resolution. Collaboration views differences as strengths, includes all parties involved, values delaying quick decisions, demands all parties to be 100% satisfied. Sound way too good to be true? Unfortunately, it is easily missed as an option and prevalently overlooked when used.
Division of labor is a great example of collaboration. For example, we can’t all engineer our own technological gadgets, grow our own food, teach children algebra, and install electricity in our homes. We depend on specialized people to be “different” for the sake of efficiency. We especially find these differences developing in families. One person is good at keeping the house clean and managing money, and another is good at making money and maintaining the family vehicle. These are strengths that make our interactions with others opportunities to create something together that is not possible alone. Great collaborations occur within bands and between artists. Some artists, such as The Stones, have been collaborating for half a century.
Collaboration utilizes differences in skills, and is powered by unity in beliefs, values, and goals by creating something larger than the sum. For this reason it is a good idea to be married to someone who has similar values (i.e. religious, political, monetary) but who has a different skill set. The team will be unstoppable at achieving their similar goals, holding up their similar values, and practicing their similar beliefs in efficient ways. For this reason collaboration should be used for those who have similar goals. Compromise should be used for those without the connection of similar beliefs, values, and goals. In either case communication will need to occur to find out where the conflict is.
Conflict Management Steps
We need to stop viewing conflict as a road block and start viewing it as an opportunity, just as we might view suffering as an opportunity to help others. This change in goal from one of winning or giving up to one of learning and growing relationships gives new perspective allowing healthy conflict management.
Steps to effectively managing conflict in your life:
Check yourself. Make sure you are not the problem or that you are not taking your own issues out on another person.
Learn effective communication. learning to communicate effectively will help you prevent conflict with others. An example is the use of "I" focused statements instead of "YOU" statements that can be interpreted as blaming and offensive.
Ask Questions. Before talking, ask questions so that you understand the other person.
List possible solutions. This should be done with those involved in the conflict. Do not limit yourself to obvious answers. Try not to vote.
Collaborate. Allow all involved to give input and select the best solution that satisfies everyone. Try not to vote because voting can cause alienation. Compromise if necessary, usually when goals and values differ too much.
Labels: Conflict Resolution Strategies Skills For Resolving Conflict
The Top 10 Tips on Managing Conflict, Emotional Tension and Anger
by Clare Albright
To be a safe and predictable person for those around you at work and at home, it is essential that you are able to maintain your composure when you feel like your 'buttons' are being pushed. This strength will help you to achieve your goals in business as well as your goals for your personal relationships.
1. Share negative emotions only in person or on the phone. E-mails, answering machine messages, and notes are too impersonal for the delicate nature of negative words. What feels like a bomb on paper may feel like a feather when delivered in person.
2. Pepper your responses with the phrase, "I understand". This phrase will support your goals when the tension is high and you need to find common ground to form compromises or agreements with the other party.
3. Take notice when you feel threatened by what someone is saying to you. Resist the temptation to defend yourself or to "shut down" the other person's communication. It will take this kind of discipline to become an open, trusting communicator.
4. Practice making requests of others when you are angry. It is often much more useful to make a request than to share your anger. For example, if the babysitter is driving you crazy by leaving dirty dishes in the sink, it is better to make a request of them than to let your anger leak out in other ways such as by becoming more distant.
5. Try repeating the exact words that someone is saying to you when they are in a lot of emotional pain or when you disagree with them completely. This mirroring technique can keep both the speaker and the listener 'centered' in a difficult conversation, especially when the attitude of the person doing the mirroring is to gain understanding of a different point of view.
6. Take responsibility for your feelings to avoid blaming others. Notice when 'blameshifting' begins to leak into your speech. "I feel angry when you are twenty minutes late and you don't call me" is much better than, "You make me so mad by being late."
7. Learn to listen to the two sides of the conflict that you are in as if you were the mediator or the counselor. If you can listen and respond in this way you will bring peace and solutions to the conflict more quickly. For example, in response to an employee's raise request, you might say, "On the one hand I understand that you really need the raise, and on the other hand I represent the company, whose funds are very scarce at this time. Is there a way that I can work on your compensation package that does not involve cash?" Here, the mediator's point of view can look for the creative compromise that takes into account the limits and the needs of both parties.
8. Take a playful attitude towards developing the skill of emotional self-control in high conflict situations. You could view maintaining self-control in a tense, angry converstion as an athletic feat. You could also view developing this skill as similar to working out at the gym with weights - the more that you use your self-control muscle the bigger it will grow and the easier it will be to remain calm when tension is great.
9. Wait a few days to cool down emotionally when a situation makes you feel wild with intense feelings, such as rage. As time passes, you will be able to be more objective about the issues and to sort out the truth about the situation more clearly.
10. Make a decision to speak with decorum whenever you are angry or frustrated. If you give yourself permission to blow up, people will not feel safe around you. They will feel that you are not predictable and will carry 'shields' when they are near you. The fear and walls of others will not support your goals for success in relationships or at work.
Labels: Emotional Tension and Anger, The Top 10 Tips on Managing Conflict
WOMEN CREATING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS: ARE YOU TEACHING OTHERS HOW TO TREAT YOU?
I was recently on a call, coaching a group of therapists across the country. The conversation turned to women accepting the unacceptable, which happens to be one of my biggest pet peeves with women. One of the male therapists on the call was relieved to hear this perspective from a woman. He then stated with absolute confidence that his wife trained him to be the man he was. He was clear that she would never allow him to treat her poorly...and so he doesn't.
It was an interesting comment to hear coming from a man. The content wasn’t as surprising to me as the fact that he was so certain that his wife had trained him how to behave (his words). He knew to the core of his being that his wife would not accept unacceptable behavior from him--period. He said that he meant to treat his wife well, but as a young man (48 years ago) he didn't know when his behavior was out of line and learned from her clarity of direction. He knew that in his younger years he would say something or do something that he thought was fine only to find out from her that it wasn’t. He stopped as soon as he realized she wouldn’t accept it.
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December 11, 2009 in WOMEN | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)
SUCCESSFUL PARENTING 101: THE MUST HAVE INGREDIENTS (PART II)
Below are the remaining five tips for being a good parent as a follow up from my last post.
1. A BACKBONE AND GOOD BOUNDARIES: Doing the right thing as a parent is incredibly hard. Seldom are our children going to run up to us and give us a hug after we take their phone or computer away. Often our rules are met with back talk and a thousand variations of “I hate you!” We need good boundaries (read my post on boundaries for a refresher). We need to know that they’re struggling to handle their anger and don’t always mean what they say. Now, of course, if our child is seventeen and still saying that…we may need to be a bit more worried.
2. WARMTH AND ABILITY TO SHOW LOVE WITH ACTIONS AND WORDS NOT JUST BY PROVIDING FOR: I’ve worked with many adults who were impacted by the lack of affection of their parents. They had mothers who were great at dinners, housework and limits, but had no idea how to be affectionate or warm. This isn’t okay. As parents, we need to do our own work and make sure we can be good parents to our children. Children want to be -- and feel -- loved. It’s our job to make sure we show them they are. Give hugs, say you love them, pat them on the back, be playful, ruffle their hair, etc. WARM UP. If this is hard for you then get help—your children need it.
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December 09, 2009 in PARENTING | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)
SUCCESSFUL PARENTING 101: THE MUST HAVE INGREDIENTS (PART I)
Parenting is the most difficult job in the world to do well. It requires love, guidance, limits, patience, acceptance, amazing boundaries and healthy self esteem. Yikes! How many people in the world have all of the above? Below is a cheat sheet of what I have found to be the most important aspects of good parenting:
1. CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF: It is vital that you see yourself as a competent, able individual. If you don’t, your children will see right through your insecurities and be forever testing you. You need to remember that your children are much younger and less experienced in life than you are. Have faith in yourself and your ability to guide them. Know that some of your decisions are not going to be liked and that is okay. Also know that sometimes you will not know what the right decision is. Not knowing the right move just makes you human, so don’t fret. Get help -- ask other parents for advice, read parenting books or talk to professionals. No one knows everything.
2. WILLINGNESS TO SET LIMITS: Know that kids need limits. When they don’t have them, they feel out of control…and begin to act out of control. Be clear about what is and is not okay in your home and explicitly state those rules to your children. Also, clearly state in advance what the consequences will be should they choose to disobey the rules.
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December 07, 2009 in PARENTING | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
AFFAIRS AND THE OTHER WOMAN: LIES OTHER WOMEN TELL THEMSELVES
With all the hype about Tiger Woods and the alleged other women, I thought I'd address affairs from a different angle. Below are myths that many of the other women in the world believe. While I understand how and why they believe these stories, let me be clear that they are all MYTHS.
1. I’m his true love. You may feel like his true love, however chances are his wife was also his true love at first. Most relationships are intimate and great in the beginning—your affair is no different. Affairs are easy to be intimate in -- you don’t have the demands of kids, jobs, finances, keeping things interesting after being together for ten years, etc.
2. His wife is cold and doesn’t know how to keep him happy. His wife is not the cold, frigid witch that you may think she is or that he may paint her to be. I know many married couples who were having sex throughout the man’s affair and reported being happy with one another. Not everything the man tells you is true. More often than not, he’s lying to you the same way he’s lying to his wife; you’re no different. I can’t tell you how many other women were hurt to find out that their lover and his wife were still having sex. The other women were shocked to find out that the men were lying to them too. Don’t think you’re above his lies—you’re not. Be careful about thinking his wife is a cold witch because some day he’s likely to say the same about you.
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December 03, 2009 in AFFAIRS | Permalink | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)
THE STING OF SARCASM DOESN’T BELONG IN RELATIONSHIPS
Lately I’ve been seeing the effects of sarcasm everywhere. Whether it’s watching my own family, my friends’ families or the families of my clients, sarcasm still has that same familiar sting. Sarcasm comes from the Greek word sarkasmos or sarkazein, which means to tear flesh, or to bite the lips in rage.
The purpose of sarcasm is to mock others. The better the cut-down, the funnier we think it is. Sarcasm hurts because it is meant to hurt.
Sarcasm is often an unspoken truth, judgment or resentment wrapped up as a joke. We throw out a comment and then follow it up with a smile or a chuckle and think that’s okay. It’s just a little joke. Unfortunately, the smile or chuckle does not soften the sting.
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November 30, 2009 in MISCELLANEOUS | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)
TIPS FOR NEWLY WEDS
For those of you new to the world of marriage (and even those of us not so new to marriage), here a few good tips to help you start out this journey on the right foot. Listen to this advice and I promise you will be ten steps ahead of most marriages!
1. Always listen to what your partner has to say—even if you disagree. Listening to understand their point of view will save you countless arguments in the future. Most of us just want to feel heard—not agreed with. Your partner needs to feel that you respect their view point because you respect them. You do not need to DO what they say-–just LISTEN to what they say.
2. Do not defend, dismiss or minimize your partner’s upsets. When you minimize or defend against what your partner is telling you, they grow tired of telling you things. Eventually, they give up on working things out with you because they assume you will just defend against it or minimize it. They begin to think it’s not worth their breath. That’s when the distance happens. Have the courage to own your part and stop defending.
3. Learn to make clear agreements up front. For example, my husband and I have an agreement that if we are going to be more than an hour late, we had better call. Other couples will agree that if you say you’re going to be home by 6 p.m., you better be home by 6 p.m. There’s no right or wrong agreement as long as you BOTH agree.
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November 24, 2009 in RELATIONSHIP TIPS
SIGNS OF A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP
Is your relationship mediocre or toxic? Many people know when their relationship isn’t as good as they would like. They realize there’s something missing, yet they think most relationships are missing something. Where people get stuck is in realizing when a relationship isn’t ideal versus when a relationship is toxic. Here’s a quick list of signs that your relationship may be toxic:
1. There is any type of physical abuse going on in the relationship. If there is any physical abuse going on (hitting, pinching, pushing, pulling hair, slapping, etc.) then your relationship is toxic. This is true even if the abuse happens only twice a year. What you need to know about this is that abusers will abuse no matter who they are with—it’s not about you. It’s about the abuser. The bottom line is that abusers rely on others to allow their abuse.
2. One partner is having an affair (or multiple affairs) and is not willing to give it up. When you stay with a partner who’s having an ongoing affair, it is toxic to your system. You start questioning your own attractiveness, you begin to hate the fact that you “can’t” seem to leave and you begin to cling to your partner out of desperation. Your fear of losing your partner results in your accepting all sorts of unacceptable behavior. The ripple effect of your staying in this situation is self esteem issues, depression, lack of self respect and even physical/health problems.
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November 20, 2009 in MISCELLANEOUS | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)
GETTING THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS WITH YOUR RELATIONSHIPS STILL IN TACT:-)
GETTING THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS WITH YOUR RELATIONSHIPS STILL INTACT
Regardless of whether you love the holidays or dread them, they can be very stressful. Many people are trying to manage work, home, holidays, in-laws, traditions and finances all at once. Under the best of circumstances this can be somewhat daunting. If you’re also the one entertaining, it can be that much harder.
You can make it, however, with minimal damage if you pay attention to the following holiday and entertaining tips:
1. Be yourself—not who you think everyone else wants you to be. If you’re not into the finest china and most beautiful décor, then don’t try to force it. Don’t try to put on a show for others. Play to your strengths and don’t sign up for guilt. If you tend to be more laid back, then have a laid back dinner.
2. Relax and use your boundaries. Remember that other people’s upsets are not always about you. Don’t try so hard to make everyone happy; instead just provide a calm environment in which people can be themselves. Remember that some people love family gatherings while others hate them. If someone in your family’s off by themselves, don’t take it personally. Let them take care of themselves and you take care of yourself.
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November 18, 2009 in HOLIDAYS | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)
FROM HOUSEWIFE TO PARTNER: ARE YOU COURAGEOUS ENOUGH TO MAKE THE SWITCH? Teamwork in Relationships
I noticed a tweet on Twitter this morning that said, “Hubby has the day off so he's home. So I can't play around like I normally do. I have to clean and cook and all of that crap. Ugh.” When I re-tweeted this with a “Why?” at the beginning of the retweet, this is the response I got back: “Guess I feel like I have to live up to the "housewife" name when he's at home ;).”
I’m sure this person is not alone in her thinking. I know many women who believe they have to take care of 90% of the housework in addition to being the primary parent for the children. Many of these same women also work full time jobs outside the home. Some do carry the bulk of the household load because they believe this is just what women do—that’s the way it is. Others believe that if they didn’t do it, no one else would. They may fear that their partner would become angry at any demands put on him. They also fear that asking for help would upset the family system.
The fact that these women carry the bulk of the load is not necessarily the problem. If a woman likes to be in charge of the household and children, then there’s no problem with her taking on that role. The problem arises however, when she takes all this on out of a sense of duty, obligation or fear. Taking on the bulk of the family and household responsibilities out of duty, obligation or fear is the quickest road to resentment, depression and miserable relationships. It is not a gift to your family—it is an anchor dragging you down.
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November 11, 2009 in MISCELLANEOUS, WOMEN | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)
SELF-CONFIDENCE IN RELATIONSHIPS: ARE YOU THROWING YOURSELF UNDER THE BUS TO HELP OTHERS FEEL BETTER?
Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
Mariann Williamson
Time and time again I hear people minimizing their accomplishments, down playing their successes or magnifying their faults in an effort to avoid the possibility that those around them will feel bad. I see this process especially with women. We tell ourselves that we shouldn’t brag, rub our successes in or make the other person feel bad by talking about the things going well for us. What we don’t realize is we can’t make other people feel anything. If someone feels jealous because of something I have, something I accomplished or one of my successes, that’s about them—it’s not about me. And—it’s not being a good friend.
The other day I had a most refreshing conversations with a friend. It was also an odd conversation, since the dynamic that happened happens so seldom with women. At the beginning of the conversation I was sharing about various stresses going on in my life and doing my fair share of whining. I then asked about how things were going with her and she proceeded to tell me all the wonderful things that were happening for her. She was talking about what a good place she was in, how her children were settling in well and how fortunate she was feeling in all aspects of her life. It was inspiring on many levels.
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November 09, 2009 in AUTHENTICITY | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)
LAYOFFS, FINANCIAL STRUGGLES & JOB INSECURITIES: WHAT SHOULD COUPLES DO?
More and more couples are feeling the ripple effect of a struggling economy. Layoffs are a reality for many couples. Even those couples who currently have jobs are often fearful they won’t have them for long. Couples are struggling to get through these times without losing their homes, jobs or entire savings.
Not surprisingly, all these concerns can take a toll on relationships. Under increased stress, couples tend to fight more, have less patience with one another and can distance from one another if they’re not careful. Fear and anxiety can leave us all somewhat ragged if we don’t keep it in check. For those couples feeling the stress of the economy, here are a few tips to help you to stay centered and connected through the stress:
1. Remember that you’re a team. The reality is that what effects one of you, affects both of you. If you’re the one who is facing a layoff, remember that it is not just your issue. Talk to your partner about what’s going on so you can both put your heads together and address the issues as a team. When one partner tries to handle everything alone it creates distance between the couple. It also uses only half the resources available. If one partner is particularly anxious about the future, it’s helpful for the other partner to try to be more grounded. A little anxiety is fine, however it will not help your family if you are both feeding off one another’s anxiety. Someone needs to be the calm voice that says things will be okay. It’s okay if that role shifts back and forth—as long as that voice is somewhere in the equation.
Continue reading "LAYOFFS, FINANCIAL STRUGGLES & JOB INSECURITIES: WHAT SHOULD COUPLES DO?" »
November 05, 2009 in MISCELLANEOUS | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
MEN, WOMEN AND ANGER: SHOULD THE WORLD ACCEPT RAGE FROM BOTH MEN AND WOMEN?
A blog writer from the blog Tres Sugar in the UK writes in a post: “While uncontrolled anger or physical violence is nothing for either sex to be proud of, does it bother you that women are expected to be ashamed of their anger since society often tolerates male rage?” http://www.tressugar.com/5455426
I found this to be an interesting comment. My take is our society should stop tolerating male rage, NOT, start tolerating female rage. Rage is abusive regardless of whether it’s coming from a man, woman or child. The last thing we need is to be more tolerant of rage rather than less tolerant.
What do you think?
Challenge: Read the link and tell us what you think.
November 03, 2009 in MISCELLANEOUS | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)
REMOVE THE PHRASE “YOU’RE TOO SENSITIVE” FROM YOUR LIST OF RESPONSES IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP
In my work with couples, I’m constantly hearing men tell their partners, “You’re too sensitive”. They often say this in response to the women complaining about how the men are speaking to them. The women complain that the men are harsh or derogatory in how they speak to them and the men complain that the women are too sensitive.
Ironically, I had to chuckle this morning when I corrected my son about his tone and his response was…yep you guessed it: “Mom, you’re too sensitive”. Actually, I would’ve chuckled I suppose, if I weren’t so annoyed by the dismissiveness of the comment.
Many people believe that if they don’t intend to have a tone, that they don’t have a tone. Many also believe that if they don’t think they’re being disrespectful or speaking harshly, then they’re not. Because they don’t agree with the complaint, the problem must therefore be that the other person is too sensitive.
Continue reading "REMOVE THE PHRASE “YOU’RE TOO SENSITIVE” FROM YOUR LIST OF RESPONSES IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP" »
October 30, 2009 in MISCELLANEOUS | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
YOUR SILENCE AND INACTION—IS ACTION: CALIFORNIA TEEN GANG RAPED AT HOMECOMING—WHILE 15 OTHER KIDS WATCH!!!
I am so appalled as I write this that I can barely contain myself. A 15 year old girl was brutally gang raped at Richmond High School in California by at least 4 males for TWO HOURS. As she was being raped, the word got out and more and more people showed up… to WATCH! In the end, there were reportedly FIFTEEN bystanders who stood by and watched her be sexually assaulted so bad that she had to be life-flighted to the nearest hospital.
Can you imagine this poor young girl being gang raped and hoping and praying for someone to see what was going on? People start to come and she thinks “Thank God, they’re going to save me!” The next thing she knows some of those hopeful “saviors” become her rapists. As more and more people come, she realizes that she is on show and not one person out of the 15 bystanders is going to do a damn thing to end this. They watch for TWO HOURS. They WATCH for TWO HOURS…without a word to stop it; without a call to the police; without a text message to a parent; WITHOUT A THING!!!
Every single boy who raped her, as well as every single accomplice who watched, should be arrested and sent to jail. When they sat there for TWO HOURS watching that crime, they took part in committing it. There will now be a thousand articles about the bystander effect to explain this horrendous incident. I’m sure the parents of the teens watching will cling to this as an excuse for their son WATCHING FOR TWO HOURS while this young girl was being brutally gang raped. There is no excuse. Every single parent, whose son watched this crime and did nothing, should be walking their son to the closest police department and putting his butt in jail. There is NO excuse for becoming a spectator to gang rape as though it was a sporting event.
Continue reading "YOUR SILENCE AND INACTION—IS ACTION: CALIFORNIA TEEN GANG RAPED AT HOMECOMING—WHILE 15 OTHER KIDS WATCH!!!" »
October 27, 2009 in VIOLENCE IN RELATIONSHIPS | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)
THE ART OF BEING SUPPORTIVE IN RELATIONSHIPS
When we first enter relationships it seems as though our relationship IQ is in the genius range. We’re loving, great listeners, good sharers and incredibly supportive. The longer we stay in relationships, however, it seems as though some of us develop relationship dementia -- we simply forget how to be in a relationship.
This effect is similar to the one I see when I’m training therapists across the country in Terry Real’s Relational Life Therapy Model. When I’m running a workshop, the therapists are quite adept at speaking about the concepts of the model when we are in lecture format. When they are placed in a role-play situation, however, their IQ’s drastically decline. For the participant role-playing the therapist, it’s as though there is an IQ vacuum that sucks 50 IQ points out of their brains—and adds 50 IQ points to the therapists who are observing. Because this phenomenon is so universal, we all laugh, normalize it and have a lot of empathy for the person in the “brain-drain chair.”
Regarding relationships, however, the brain-drain is anything but a laughing matter. It seems the longer a person is in a relationship, the larger the brain-drain effect. This is particularly true around supporting one another. Couples in the honeymoon stage are brilliant supporters. They are encouraging, understanding and great motivators. Of course, in the early stages of a relationship there is very little to lose by encouraging your new loved one to take risks, leave their job, start a new business, etc. Your finances, future and children are not wrapped up in that risk. As the relationship progresses and your life is more intertwined with your partner’s, this level of support is much more difficult to give.
Labels: WOMEN CREATING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS: ARE YOU TEACHING OTHERS HOW TO TREAT YOU
