Happy marriages and unhappy divorces

Happy marriages and unhappy divorces
by Mona Charen

In the beginning was the myth that children were better off if their unhappy parents divorced. "It's better to come from a broken home than to live in one," they said. And millions of American parents separated. But after several decades had passed, researchers like Barbara Dafoe Whitehead and others showed that divorce was much worse for children than an unhappy home. Now, the Institute for American Values (www.americanvalues.org) has released a new study with some intriguing data about the effects of divorce on the unhappy couples themselves. It seems that another great myth is about to tumble -- the myth that at least divorce makes unhappily married adults happier. Even this may not be true. According to the survey conducted by a team of family researchers, unhappily married adults who divorced were no happier five years after the divorce than were equally unhappy marrieds who remained together. And two-thirds of unhappily married people who remained married reported that their marriages were happy five years later. Even among those who had rated their marriages as "very unhappy," nearly 80 percent said they were happily married five years later. These were not merely bored or dissatisfied whiners. They had endured serious problems, including alcoholism, infidelity, verbal abuse, emotional neglect, depression, illness, and work and money troubles. Even more surprising, unhappy spouses who divorced actually showed slightly more depressive symptoms five years later than those who didn't. (They did, however, report more personal growth.) And, make of this what you will, the divorced sample reported a good deal more alcohol consumption than the married group. The Institute for American Values report is leavened with New Yorker cartoons. On the cover, a wife addresses her husband tenderly, "Sweetheart, I don't want anyone to make you unhappy except me." Another shows a woman shouting out an open window: "Wait! Come back! I was just kidding about wanting to be happy." The data show that if a couple is unhappy, the chances of their being happily married five years hence are 64 percent if they remain together but only 19 percent if they divorce and remarry. (The authors acknowledge that five years is a relatively short period and many divorced people will eventually remarry, some happily.) How did the unhappy couples turn their lives around? The study found three principal techniques. The first was endurance. Many couples do not so much solve their problems as transcend them. By taking one day at a time and pushing through their difficulties, many couples found that time itself often improved matters. Moreover, these couples maintained a negative view of the effects of divorce. "The grass is always greener," explained one husband, "but it's Astroturf." Others were more aggressive. Those the researchers labeled the "marital work ethic" types tackled their problems by arranging for more private time with one another, seeking counseling (from clergy or professionals), receiving help from in-laws or other relatives, or in some cases, threatening divorce or consulting a divorce lawyer. In the third category were the "personal happiness seekers" who found other ways to improve their overall contentment even if they could not markedly improve their marital happiness. Certainly the survey found some marriages that were impossible to save and some divorced couples who were happier than those who had remained married. That is as one would expect. But the most telling aspect of this research is the light it sheds on the importance of the attitude toward marriage. Those who enter marriage with a dim (some might say accurate) view of divorce and a strong religious or other motivation for avoiding it are not only less likely to divorce, they are also less likely to be unhappy. That is the arresting news here. We've known that commitment was good for the children of such marriages. And we've known that commitment was good for society. But until now, it was not clear that commitment actually made married couples themselves more likely to be happy. The capstone of this research is yet another New Yorker cartoon: A man stands with his arm around his wife's shoulders and explains to another couple, "Our divorce wasn't working."

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Three Easy Tips to Help Build a Happy Marriage

Three Easy Tips to Help Build a Happy Marriage

It is part of the popular culture to make fun of how poorly marriages work. If I had a nickel for the number of times I’ve heard people complain about their spouses, I’d be an obscenely wealthy woman. Sometimes comments are made in jest, but usually, they’re tinged with a degree of hopelessness and suffering.

This does not need to be the case. My husband and I have been married for over twelve years. The first several years were difficult. But then, we searched for experts in marriage from which to learn. Since that time, our marriage has flowered into a powerful, harmonious partnership. Today, we’re more in love than ever and we’re enjoying the fruits of our labor in creating a great marriage.

Here are several tips to help you build a happy marriage. I hope they will help you as much as they helped us. Before you go on, here’s a hint about this information: Let it sink in. The things we’ve learned are powerful and become more so the more you work with them. Let them slowly re-train you to think about your marriage differently.

Tip #1 to Build a Happy Marriage: Grow Personally – Weren’t we suppose to be talking about marriage? Yes, we were. But a happy marriage begins with happy people. Many people aren’t happy in their lives and they expect a marriage to make them happy. This is not a healthy expectation. Marriage cannot make an unhappy person happy. It just can’t. And the more we rely on marriage to do that, the more we’ll destroy our marriage with unrealistic expectations.

Each spouse in a marriage needs to take on living a happy life and bringing happiness to the marriage. The best way to do this is to take on growing as a person. I’ve found that usually, one spouse takes this one first, then the other follows. If you’re the one to start the ball rolling in this arena, don’t complain. Someone has to start, it might as well be you. Another time, your spouse will initiate the positive action.

Begin by improving an aspect of your life that is important to you, then go on to whatever is next. Soon, you’ll find that your spouse is inspired to do the same thing.

Tip #2 to Build a Happy Marriage – Realize that You Don’t Need Your Spouse – What? Am I crazy? No. I’m not crazy. You don’t need one another. You already have all that you need. The silly saying of “you complete me” gives off the wrong impression. We’re each complete. Can you imagine what a setup this “you complete me” expectation is for a marriage? This often puts one spouse into the position of neediness and the other spouse in a position of obligation. Powerful marriages are built on something other than the needy/obligated model.

Any strong marriage, that takes on the proportions of true partnership, must go through a phase where each spouse realizes that they are strong people, able of creating a great life for themselves. This puts the marriage into the context of something that we freely choose to do, rather than a net that we’re caught up in. When we realize this, we become more responsible for creating our marriage. When this occurs, we’re generous, forgiving, and compassionate because we choose to be in the relationship.

Tip #3 to Build a Happy Marriage – Be Disciplined About What You Think About – Most of us carry around our worries and concerns so that they are foremost in our minds at all times. When this is the case, days can go by when we don’t even notice our spouse at more than a superficial level. When this happens, people remark that they become roommates with their spouse and they don’t love each other any more. This is not because they really don’t love one another, it is often because they haven’t put any concentrated effort into spending conscious time with each other.

Upon the advice of our marriage expert, my husband and I practiced putting aside our worries of the day each evening when we’d spend time together. At first, this was difficult and we found that there were certain issues that we couldn’t let go of. When this was the case, we’d have to deal with those issues in a timely manner and then, we could go back to really enjoying our time together.

As we got better, it became natural for us to enjoy each other’s company. We made it a point to spend time developing our relationship and creating a strong marriage, rather than relying on simply living in the same house to keep us together

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Good Night's Sleep Linked to Happy Marriage

Women's Health

Good Night's Sleep Linked to Happy Marriage

New research has found that women in happy marriages tend to sleep more soundly than women in unhappy marriages, according to a report at an Associated Professional Sleep Societies meeting.


In fact, women with good marriages have about 10 percent greater odds of getting a decent night of shut-eye compared to women who are not happy with their spouse.

"Marriage can be good for your sleep if it's a happy one,” says the study's lead author, Wendy M. Troxel, Ph.D., at the University of Pittsburgh. “But, being in an unhappy marriage can be a risk factor for sleep disturbance."

Stress Can Lead to Poor Sleep
The million-dollar question, says Dr. Troxel, is which comes first - does the unhappy marriage lead to poor sleep, or does poor sleep contribute to a bad marriage?

"We have future studies planned, and we need to tease that out," she explains. "If you're not sleeping, you're more irritable, have lower frustration and tolerance levels, so it's possible that could affect the marriage.

"But we suspect it's in the other direction," that the bad marriage is affecting the quality of sleep because you're trying to sleep next to someone you may be fighting with, and that is stressful, she says.

"If you're stressed or anxious, it can have an effect on your sleep," agrees Dr. Ana Krieger, at New York University Sleep Disorders Center.

Dr. Troxel reviewed data on about 2,000 married women who participated in the Study of Women's Health Across the Nation (SWAN).

The women were an average age of 46 years. Just over half were Caucasian, 20 percent were African American, 9 percent were Hispanic, 9 percent were Chinese, and 11 percent were Japanese.

All of the women reported their sleep quality, the state of their marriage, how often they had difficulty falling asleep, if they stayed asleep, and how early they woke up.

Happily married women had less trouble getting to sleep, had fewer sleep complaints, had more restful sleep, and were less likely to wake up early or awaken in the middle of the night than women whose marriages were less than ideal.

Even after the researchers adjusted the data to account for other factors known to disturb sleep, the researchers found that happily married women still slept more soundly.

And, these findings appeared to hold up across racial lines. The only groups that the findings were not statistically significant for were Chinese and Japanese women, but Dr. Troxel suspects this may be because there were not as many Chinese or Japanese women in the study as Caucasian and African-American women.

"All marriages aren't created equal, and having a high quality marriage may be good for sleep, whereas an unhealthy marriage is a potent source of stress. You could be sleeping with the object of your hostility," Dr. Troxel says.

Marriage Therapy, Lifestyle Choices Help
If you have a lot of stress from your marriage or another source, such as your job, says Dr. Krieger, you need to try to fix the situation that is causing the anxiety.

If you cannot change the stressful situation, she recommends trying to change how you perceive the stress. Good ways to help you relax are meditation and yoga.

Dr. Troxel says that if you are in an unhappy marriage, marriage therapy - or individual therapy if your spouse will not attend therapy - can be helpful.

She also recommends practicing good sleep habits, such as going to bed at the same time and waking up at the same time every day.

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Couples Therapy and Happy Marriages

Couples Therapy and Happy Marriages



Good communication is the key to happy relationships among other things. It is unfortunate that the divorce rate in the United States and worldwide too is on the rise. Couples therapy is aimed at resolving the problem between husband and wife so that they can lead a happy life devoid of serious conflicts and heated arguments. The therapist or the psychologist help the couple identify problem and suggest behavior and other amendments so that both partners are contented. Couples therapy is blend of education, mediation and psychotherapy.

The quality of communication between couples is the most crucial factor that distinguishes happy marriages from unhappy ones. The ability to communicate well also is the best indicator of relationship satisfaction and stability over time. In other words, the number of problems, individual personality traits or differences of opinion has nothing to do with happy or unhappy marriages. Instead, it is how couples talk about their problems and differences. Communication is the key, and it is believed that communication skills can easily be learned.

Each couple has their own problems; and during couples therapy, they identify the cause of the problems with the help of a psychologist. For example, if a couple argues a lot, during the sessions they are made to think the reasons of those arguments and then finding a resolve. The resolution could be changing the way they interact with each other or react to different situations or behavioral changes.

In couples therapy, couples learn how to identify destructive forms of communication and how to develop effective communication and problem-solving techniques. Couples learn how to use their creativity and resources to preserve the strength of their relationship while meeting the challenges that life brings. The couples are taught that listening to the other person is also equally important as speaking ones mind. They learn that they need to attain a common goal of happy marriage by sharing their problems and supporting each other.

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Want a Happy Marriage? Be Nice, Don't Nitpick

Want a Happy Marriage? Be Nice, Don't Nitpick
By Jeanie Lerche Davis

Secrets of a Happy Marriage

Long-lasting, happy marriages have more than great communication, Boon says. "Dr. Gottman brings up something no one ever talks about—that irreconcilable differences are normal, that you just have to come to terms with them, not try to resolve the unresolvable. On some level, that should have been obvious, but it hasn't been," she tells WebMD.

Most marriage therapists focus on "active listening," which involves paraphrasing, validating, affirming your spouse's feedback, says Boon. "That's all well and good and may help you get through some conflicts in a less destructive way. But, as Dr. Gottman puts it, 'you're asking people to do Olympic-style gymnastics when they can hardly crawl.' Many people will fail at those techniques. Research indicates that most people are dissatisfied with the outcome of marital therapy, that the problems come back."

In happy marriages, Boon points out, couples don't do any of that!

Instead, you must be nice to your partner, research shows. Make small gestures, but make them often. "The little things matter," says Boon. "What a happy marriage is based on is deep friendship, knowing each other well, having mutual respect, knowing when it makes sense to try to work out an issue, when it is not solvable. Many kinds of issues simply aren't solvable."

Learn how to identify issues that must be resolved, that can be "fruitfully discussed," she notes. "Learn to live with the rest. Just put up with it. All you do is waste your breath and get angry over these things that can't be changed. You're better off not trying to change them. Work around them. Commit to staying together, even though this is something you don't like."

A long-lasting, happy marriage is about knowing your partner, being supportive, and being nice. Research shows that, "for every one negative thing you do, there must be five positive things that balance it out," Boon tells WebMD. "Make sure to balance the negatives with positives. Your marriage has to be heavily in favor of the positives."

While it sounds easy—and while it can be easy—this commitment to being nice is no small matter, Boon says. "You have to do nice things often. But it's harder to be nice when the heat is on, when you're really angry, or when something has happened for the 15th time. Nevertheless, the balance must be heavily, heavily stacked in the positive, to have a happy marriage."

Also, couples must stay in touch with their special ways of repairing the relationship, Boon says. "It can be humor; it can be whatever helps diffuse the escalating heat. In happy marriages, couples naturally do this. They deflect the anger, and get back on an even keel."

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What makes for a happy marriage?

What makes for a happy marriage?
Mark Dombeck, Ph.D.

In order to best understand how a marriage can come apart, it is helpful first to understand some of the ways that healthy marriages are structured, and how they function.

Healthy marriage partners are compatible partners

In a marriage that is to stand the test of time, romance is important, but compatibility is critical. By and large, partners in healthy marriages come to agree upon common agendas regarding the directions their marriage will take, and the way each partner will behave. These common agreements may never have been discussed, but they will be present implicitly in how each partner chooses to act.

Areas of agreement that partners will have dealt with will generally include:

Friendship. Successful partners develop a significant friendship at the core of their relationship. They genuinely like one another, amuse and comfort one another, and prefer to spend time with each other. This friendship and mutual liking is somewhat separate from other aspects of the relationship (sexuality, for instance), and can survive the loss of these other aspects of the relationship. A strong friendship and mutual liking is often the basis for repair of troubled relationships.
Role expectations. The partners reach agreement with regard to how household responsibilities are divided and how they will behave towards each other. Traditionally, and still dominantly, the male or masculine-identified partner will take on the majority of financial obligations, while the female or feminine-identified partner will take on nurturing roles. Tradition has broken down significantly in the industrialized west over the last century, however, and it is not at all uncommon to find 'women' who take on financial obligations, 'men' who take on nurturing roles, or to find both partners sharing these roles to one degree or another. Failure to reach agreement with regard to roles can be a major source of conflict.
Emotional intimacy. Successful partners learn to trust each other, to be vulnerable with each other, to laugh together, and to support one another in times of need.
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Sexual expectations. Partners come to basic agreements as to how they will be sexual with each other. Frequently (traditionally) this means that they will be sexual with one another, and not with other people, but this is not necessarily the case. Sexual expectations may further dictate the kinds and patterns of sexual activities that each partner will and will not engage in. Coming to agreement with regard to sexuality can increase trust that couples feel for each other, and failure to reach agreement can be cause for conflict. As sexual activity is strongly rewarding and bonding for couples, it is best for marriages when partners agree upon sexual expectations and are both satisfied with their lovemaking.
Vision/Goals. Successful partners agree that they want to pursue the same life paths, values and goals and mutually commit to those paths, values and goals. Examples might include decisions to have children or not, to attend or not attend religious services, to raise a child in a particular faith, to save or spend money, or to live frugally or extravagantly, etc.
Successful marriages tend to be populated by partners who come to their marriage with pre-existing significant compatibilities (of personality, temperament, goals, etc.) that make it easier for them to reach agreement because they frequently end up wanting the same thing. They may share commonalities with regard to personality, temperament, or preferences for volatile or conflict-avoiding interactions, as well as goals, religious and ethical ideals, etc.

While these areas of agreement do tend to be present in healthy marriages, we should note that no marriage is perfect, and that many perfectly good marriages harbor disagreements with regard to some of the domains we've discussed. In general, however, the more domains you and your partner are in agreement on, the better are your chances for a healthy marriage.

Background factors play a minor role in determining marriage success.

Personality, temperament and goal compatibility is very important in determining whether a marriage will be strong. Other background factors are also important, however. Better marriages are reported by people who chose to marry later in life as opposed to younger, by people who recall being very intensely in love with their partners prior to getting married, and by people who maintain close family relationships and whose parents' approved of their marriage. Also, people identified with more traditional sex-role and religious values tend to report having higher quality marriages overall (although it isn't clear that such people aren't just reporting positive outcomes based on their desire to present themselves in a positive light). When all factors relating to marital adjustment are considered together, personality and life-goal compatibility seems to be of paramount importance, and background factors such as whether partners come from similar family, religious or economic backgrounds or whether they have similar dating histories appear to be of lessor importance.

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5 Things Super-Happy Couples Do Every Day

5 Things Super-Happy Couples Do Every Day
Add page to favoritesBy Ty Wenger


We paw each other in public. We goof around like a pair of simpletons. We basically act like giddy newlyweds in the middle of happy hour. Sometimes we'll do something so revolting, like sitting on the couch and drawing smiley faces on the bottoms of each other's feet, that we're forced to make hacking, gagging noises to maintain our dignity. Actually, this happened just last week.

See, I told you it was disgusting.

It hasn't always been this way. In fact, I'm not ashamed to admit that our current marital bliss is the result of almost a year of counseling, a desperate effort undertaken several years ago, when we appeared destined for doom. What we learned then is something all happy couples eventually discover: A good marriage is a bit like a pet boa constrictor: either you feed it every day or bad things happen. Daily habits are extremely helpful in forging solid marriages, says couples therapist Tina Tessina, author of How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free. "If you're really interested in making your relationship work, little rituals are a great way to do it."

Want examples? Look no further than Tessina and her husband, Richard, who have developed an array of daily relationship builders during their 19 years of marriage: Every morning, they repeat their wedding vows to each other; they hold regular state-of-the-union meetings; and (my personal favorite) Tina routinely leaves Post-it Notes for Richard ("Hi, honey! Have a great day!") stuck to the underside of the toilet seat (think about it).

"Every marriage has what I call a relationship reservoir, or the stored-up emotional energy of the relationship," says Tessina. And although these daily habits are all very simple things, they help fill that reservoir. When there's a lot of positive energy there, you give each other a little pat on the butt or say, "I'm so glad I'm sharing my life with you," and you're storing it up. Then when the relationship is under stress, you'll have the energy you need to get through.

We asked happy couples across the United States to tell us about marriage-strengthening solutions they've developed. Try your hand at incorporating a few into your daily life and maybe you can be as ridiculously, embarrassingly, revoltingly happily married as I am.

CONTINUED: How to be revoltingly happily married >
Page 1 of 4 | Next >>

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Characteristics of Happy Marriages

Characteristics of Happy Marriages


Consider the positive aspects of your marriage. What are you doing that works well? If you have a happy and satisfying marriage, chances are that your relationship has high levels of positivity, empathy, commitment, acceptance, love and respect. These are some of the characteristics that researchers have found to be common in successful marriages.

Let’s look at some of these factors. Research shows that successful spouses have far more positive than negative interactions. If there is too much criticizing, demanding, name-calling, holding grudges and similar negativity—the relationship will suffer. There are many ways to foster positivity in a marriage. Being affectionate, really listening to each other, taking joy in each other’s achievements and being playful are just a few examples.

Another characteristic is empathy, which means understanding another person’s perspective by putting yourself in their shoes. People are more likely to feel good about their marriage if their partner is empathetic. Successful marriages also involve commitment to the relationship. When two people are truly dedicated to making their marriage work, they are much more likely to have a lasting relationship. This means sometimes sacrificing your own preferences for the good of the relationship.

One of the most basic characteristics of a healthy marriage is acceptance of one another. When each partner feels like the other person accepts them for who they are, they are usually more secure and confident in the relationship. When one person tries to force change from the other, this is usually met with resistance. Research shows that change is more likely to occur when spouses respect and accept the differences.

Perhaps the most important component of a successful marriage is love and respect for one another. As time passes and life becomes more complex, the marriage often suffers. It is easy to lose touch with one another and neglect the romance that once came so easily. It is vital to continue to foster love and respect for one another in order for the marriage to have the strength to last.

Source: University of Missouri Extension GH 6610 "Creating a Strong and Satisfying Marriage"

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What makes a good marriage?

Relationships
7 secrets to a long — and happy marriage
Two bachelors share wisdom from couples who have been married decades

NBC News video


What makes a good marriage?
June 5: Couples who were married at least 40 years told their secrets to two bachelors, who shared them with TODAY's Natalie Morales.

updated 11:32 a.m. CT, Tues., June. 5, 2007
Matthew Boggs, whose parents divorced, was jaded about marriage. But he noticed his grandmother and grandfather, who had been married for 63 years, were still madly in love. To find out what was the secret to a long and happy marriage, Boggs and his friend, Jason Miller, traveled 12,000 miles around the U.S. to talk to what they call the “Marriage Masters,” couples who have been married 40 years or more. In their new book, “Project Everlasting,” Boggs and Miller share advice from the happy couples. TODAYshow.com asked the two bachelors to tell us what are the top seven secrets to a successful marriage. Here they are:

1. “Divorce? Never. Murder? Often!”
Entering matrimony with the mindset that “divorce is not an option” is vital for the long-term success of marriage, say the Marriage Masters (a term we gave couples who have been happily married over 40 years). They went on to explain that this kind of mindset allows a couple to see solutions to marriage’s boiling points — and trust us, not one of our interviewee couples avoided such periods of relational strife — which would have otherwise been overlooked simply because one eye was too busy examining exit strategies.

Marriage Masters simplify this into one word: Commitment. And they’re quick to point out that commitment is the virtue sorely missing from today’s marriages. That said, there are deal breakers that very few of our interviewed couples advocated working through. These are known as the three A’s — addiction, adultery, and abuse. A marriage overwhelmed by any of these three issues is unhealthy, plain and simple, and the Marriage Masters suggest that if you find yourself overwhelmed with any of the three A’s, take care of yourself (and your safety) first, and the marriage second.

In the end, the old saying holds true: where your attention goes, energy flows. So the next time you’re facing a mountain in your marriage, focus on the next foothold and soon enough you’ll find yourself over the top.

2. “There’s no such thing as a perfect marriage, only perfect moments.”
We were shocked to discover how much work went into creating a great marriage. We’d always figured, “Hey, I’ll just find my soul mate and things will naturally fall into place after that ... we’ll live happily ever after.” Um, not so fast, one Marriage Master wife said with a certain look that meant business. “Whoever said being soul mates was going to be easy?” Her husband of 52 years nodded, then added, “Marriage is a bed of roses, thorns and all.”

Any time two individuals live together (especially over 40 years) there are bound to be annoying, irritating, and frustrating experiences. But whether it’s the toothpaste cap, toilet seat, snoring, or the last-minute pull-the-car-over-to-check-the-score-of-the-game-at-the-local-bar move, one thing is for sure: the best marriages are served with an extra helping of acceptance for one another’s peccadilloes. “And that’s the beauty of marriage,” said Maurice, another Marriage Master. “All of our individualities, all of our wonderful differences. You gotta have friction. You can’t get any heat without friction.”

We would do well, they say, to expect non-perfection; practice patience and give the acceptance we want in return. There’s no doubt that this is hard work, but judging by the end result, it’s well worth the effort.

Story continues below ↓
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3. Unpack the Gunnysack
“People ask us our secret to marriage,” said John, married 48 years. “I tell them it’s the boxing gloves. We aren’t afraid to say what’s on our minds.”


Unexpressed frustrations in a marriage can pile up and weigh us down like an overloaded gunnysack. These accumulated frustrations can quickly turn into resentments. “Holding resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die,” said Sally, married 50 years. “Resentment will eat away at your marriage.” The Marriage Masters encourage us to unpack the “gunnysacks” by opening the communication lines as frequently as possible.

But guess what? If we haven’t created and nurtured an environment where open, honest communication is welcomed and treated with diligent respect, then we can wave these crucial “clearing the air” moments goodbye. So where did some Marriage Masters go to build that trusting, open environment? Weekend marriage retreats! These powerful getaways stood out in many of our interviewees’ minds as the one experience that turned their faltering marriage into a flourishing one. The trick, of course, is convincing the husband to attend.

4. Never Stop Dating
It has been said that it’s the quality of time, not the quantity of time that matters. But now we know, thanks to the Marriage Masters, that it’s the quantity of quality time spent together that leads to a wonderful marriage. Whether it’s a vacation in the Bahamas, or simply spending a night at a local motel once a week, keeping the romance burning is easy: all you have to do is keep stoking the fire.

One woman, married 47 years before her husband passed away, disclosed her secret to lifelong love. Every night, when her husband came home from work, they went up to their bedroom and hung a sign on the door that read “Do Not Disturb: Marriage In Progress.” For the following fifteen minutes they’d focus all their attention on one another. No phones, no pets, no distractions; even the kids knew that mom and dad were not to be bothered. When asked what they did in their bedroom, she laughed and said she’d leave that to our imaginations. That was probably best anyway.

5. “Love is a four-letter word spelled G-I-V-E”
Marriage Masters have a high degree of selflessness. “I’ll never forget what my mentor told my wife and me before we got married 42 years ago,” said a Marriage Master named Walter. “He looked at us and said, ‘Most people think marriage is 50/50. It’s not. It’s 60/40. You give 60. You take 40. And that goes for both of you.’”

It’s always super-apparent in the best of the best marriages that both spouses have followed this philosophy. Though it’s not a difficult concept to understand — putting one another first —it’s surely a bit more difficult to practice consistently, especially with the prevailing “Me first (and second)” mentality today. “The younger generations seem to have a sort of me-me-me mentality,” says Donna Lee, married 45 years. “The great part is that the me gets everything it needs when it puts the we first.”

6. Join the CMAT Club
Grandma Dorothy Manin, the inspiration for Project Everlasting with her 63 years of beautiful matrimony, formed an informal club when she turned 70 years old. She called it the CMAT club. The CMAT club stands for Can’t Miss A Thing and represents the idea that life is short, so make sure to enjoy as much as you can. The death rate for human beings hovers right around 100 percent, and is expected to remain there for … well, forever. Consider this: if the average life span is 77 years, then that means we only have 77 summers ... 77 winters ... 77 Christmas mornings ... 77 New Years, and that’s it. The Marriage Masters know this all too well. It’s easy to get caught in the day-to-day craziness of life and, in the process, take our spouses for granted. A widow named Betty, married 54 years, says, “Now that he’s gone I wish I hadn’t had so many headaches.”

The Marriage Masters are here to remind us that this adventure we call life goes by in the blink of an eye; relish your sweetheart’s presence while he or she is still here.

7. The Discipline of Respect
“You can have respect without love,” said Tom, married 42 years, “but you can’t have love without respect.” His sentiments were not uncommon in our 250-plus interviews around the nation. By and large, the number one secret to a thriving, everlasting marriage, as declared by the Marriage Masters, is respect. It is the catalyst for all things beautiful in a relationship: trust, connection, authenticity, and love. Unfortunately, respect — in all its seeming simplicity — is too easily overlooked, leading to criticism and all the ugliness that eventually causes both spouses to wonder (and vehemently): How in the heck did I ever fall in love with this person?

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Happy Marriages, Do They Exist?

Happy Marriages, Do They Exist?
The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts
by Judith S. Wallerstein, Sandra Blakeslee

Chapter 1

ON A RAW SPRING MORNING in 199l, I shared my earliest thoughts about this book with a group of some one hundred professional women-all friends and colleagues-who meet each month to discuss our works in progress.

“I'm interested in learning about good marriages-about what makes a marriage succeed,” I said cheerfully. “As far as our knowledge is concerned, a happy marriage might as well be the dark side of the moon. And so I've decided to study a group of long-lasting marriages that are genuinely satisfying for both husband and wife.” I looked around the room at these attractive, highly educated women-women who had achieved success in our high-tech, competitive society and who appeared to have it all. “Would any of you, along with your husbands, like to volunteer as participants in the study?” I asked.

The room exploded with laughter.

I felt disturbed and puzzled by the group's reaction. Their laughter bore undertones of cynicism, nervousness, and disbelief, as if to say, “Surely you can't mean that happy marriage exists in the l990s. How could you possibly believe that?”

Many of the women in the group had been divorced. Some had remarried, but a good number remained single. Some had come to feel that marriage should not be taken all that seriously. “Happy marriage doesn't exist,” protested one woman, “so I'm going to get on with my life and not worry about it.” Yet when their sons and daughters decided to marry, these same women announced the marriages with great pride and accepted heartfelt rounds of congratulations from the others in the group. No one acknowledged the apparent contradictions involved.

When I pondered the meaning of their laughter later that night, I realized I had hit a raw nerve. For many, my innocent mention of a study of successful marriages seemed to strike below the well-defended surface, bringing to life buried images of love and intimacy. For a brief moment, I believe, the women had reconnected with passionate longings, only to confront again their disappointment that their wishes had not been fulfilled. And so they had laughed, dismissing their longings as illusory-vain hopes that could only lead to sorrow.

This duality of cynicism and hope is familiar to me, as it is to millions of men and women in America today. We share a profound sense of discomfort with the present state of marriage and family, even wondering sometimes if marriage as an institution can survive. At the same time, we share a deeply felt hope for our children that marriage will endure. I do not think this hope is misplaced.

We have been so preoccupied with divorce and crisis in the American family that we have failed to notice the good marriages that are all around us and from which we can learn. In today's world it's easy to become overwhelmed by problems that seem to have no solution. But we can shape our lives at home, including our relationships with our children and marriage itself. The home is the one place where we have the potential to create a world that is to our own liking; it is the last place where we should feel despair. As never before in history, men and women today are free to design the kind of marriage they want, with their own rules and expectations.

Fortunately, many young people have not yet become cynical and are still able to speak directly from the heart. After spending some wonderful hours talking to college students about their views of marriage, I received the next day a letter from Randolph Johnson, a twenty-one-year-old senior at the University of California in Santa Cruz. He wrote: “What I want in a wife is someone whom I know so well that she is a part of who I am and I of her. Someone to fill all that I am not but aspire to be. My wife is someone not just to share a life with but to build a life with. This is what marriage is to me, the sharing of two lives to complete each other. It is true that people change, but if people can change together then they need not grow apart.”

Randolph speaks for a new generation that is still capable of optimism about love and marriage and “the sharing of two lives to complete each other.” He also speaks for a society that is tired to death of the war on marriage, escalating divorce rates, and the search for new partners in middle age. All of us want a different world for our children. When we're honest, we want it for ourselves.

It is absurd, in fact, to suggest that the need for enduring love and intimacy in marriage is passe. The men and women I've seen in twenty-five years of studying divorce begin actively searching for a new relationship even before the divorce is final. In every study in which Americans are asked what they value most in assessing the quality of their lives, marriage comes first-ahead of friends, jobs, and money. In our fast-paced world men and women need each other more, not less. We want and need erotic love, sympathetic love, passionate love, tender, nurturing love all of our adult lives. We desire friendship, compassion, encouragement, a sense of being understood and appreciated, not only for what we do but for what we try to do and fail at. We want a relationship in which we can test our half-baked ideas without shame or pretense and give voice to our deepest fears. We want a partner who sees us as unique and irreplaceable.

A good marriage can offset the loneliness of life in crowded cities and provide a refuge from the hammering pressures of the competitive workplace. It can counter the anomie of an increasingly impersonal world, where so many people interact with machines rather than fellow workers. In a good marriage each person can find sustenance to ease the resentment we all feel about having to yield to other people's wishes and rights. Marriage provides an oasis where sex, humor, and play can flourish.

Finally, a man and woman in a good, lasting marriage with children feel connected with the past and have an interest in the future. A family makes an important link in the chain of human history. By sharing responsibility for the next generation, parents can find purpose and a strengthened sense of identity.

These rewards take root in the soil of a strong, stable marriage. But, surprisingly, we know very little about what makes such a marriage.

As a psychologist who has been studying the American family for most of my professional life, I have observed many changes in relationships between men and women and in society's attitudes about marriage and children. In 1980 I founded a large research and clinical center in the San Francisco Bay Area, where my colleagues and I have seen thousands of men, women, and children from families going through first or second divorces. Presently I am conducting a twenty-five-year follow-up of sixty couples who underwent divorce in 1971, with an emphasis on the lives of their 131 children, who are now grown and involved in their own marriages and divorces.

These young men and women, whom I have been interviewing at regular intervals as part of the longest study ever done on divorce, provide unique insights into its long-term effects on the American family. I have seen a great many children who, ten and fifteen years after their parents' divorce, are still struggling with unhappiness. On the threshold of adulthood, they are still in the shadow of that event. I am poignantly aware of how unfamiliar these children are with the kinds of relationships that exist in a happy family. Many tell me that they have never seen a good marriage.

I'm also concerned about the many men and women who remain lonely and sad years after a divorce. I'm doubly worried about the high divorce rate in second marriages with children, which compounds the suffering for everyone. I am sometimes criticized for being overly pessimistic about the long-term effects of divorce, but my observations are drawn from the real world. Only if you see the children and parents of divorce day in and day out can you understand what the statistics mean in human terms.

I want to make it clear that I am not against divorce. I am deeply aware of how wretched a bad marriage can be and of the need for the remedy of divorce. But divorce by itself does not improve the institution of marriage. Some people learn from sad experience to choose more carefully the second time around. Others do not. Many never get a true second chance.

In the past twenty years, marriage in America has undergone a profound, irrevocable transformation, driven by changes in women's roles and the heightened expectations of both men and women. Without realizing it, we have crossed a marital Rubicon. For the first time in our history, the decision to stay married is purely voluntary. Anyone can choose to leave at any time-and everyone knows it, including the children. There used to be only two legal routes out of marriage -adultery and abandonment. Today one partner simply has to say,

for whatever reason, I want out.” Divorce is as simple as a trip to the nearest courthouse

Each year two million adults and a million children in this country are newly affected by divorce. One in two American marriages ends in divorce, and one in three children can expect to experience their parents' divorce. This situation has powerful ripple effects that touch us all. The sense that relationships are unstable affects the family next door, the people down the block, the other children in the classroom. Feelings of intense anxiety about marriage permeate the consciousness of all young men and women on the threshold of adulthood. At every wedding the guests wonder, privately, will this marriage last? The bride and groom themselves may question why they should marry, since it's likely to break up.

To understand how our social fabric has been transformed, think of marriage as an institution acted upon by centripetal forces pulling inward and centrifugal forces pulling outward. In times past the centripetal forces-law, tradition, religion, parental influence-exceeded those that could pull a marriage apart, such as infidelity, abuse, financial disaster, failed expectations, or the lure of the frontier. Nowadays the balance has changed. The weakened centripetal forces no longer exceed those that tug marriages apart.

In today's marriages, in which people work long hours, travel extensively, and juggle careers with family, more forces tug at the relationship than ever before. Modern marriages are battered by the demands of her workplace as well as his, by changing community values, by anxiety about making ends meet each month, by geographical moves, by unemployment and recession, by the vicissitudes of child care, and by a host of other issues.

Marriage counselors like to tell their clients that there are at least six people in every marital bed-the couple and both sets of parents. I'm here to say that a crazy quilt of conflicting personal values and shifting social attitudes is also in that bed. The confusion over roles and the indifference of the community to long-term conjugal relationships are there, as are the legacies of a self-absorbed, me-first, feminist-do-or-die' male-backlash society. The ease of divorce and changing attitudes about the permanence of marriage have themselves become centrifugal forces.

Our great unacknowledged fear is that these potent outside forces will overwhelm the human commitment that marriage demands and that marriage as a lasting institution will cease for most people. We are left with a crushing anxiety about the future of marriage and about the men and women within it.

My study of divorce has inevitably led me to think deeply about marriage. Just as people who work with the dying worry about death, those of us who work with troubled marriages are constantly forced to look at our own relationships. So I have carefully taken note of my marriage and those of my three grown children. As our fiftieth wedding anniversary approaches, I have thought long and hard about what my husband and I have done to protect our marriage. Why have we been able to love each other for so many years? Did we begin differently from those who divorced? Did we handle crises differently? Or were we just lucky? What have I learned that I can pass on to my children and my grandchildren?

I certainly have not been happy all through each year of my marriage. There have been good times and bad, angry and joyful moments, times of ecstasy and times of quiet contentment. But I would never trade my husband, Robert, for another man. I would not swap my marriage for any other. This does not mean that I find other men unattractive, but there is all the difference in the world between a passing fancy and a life plan. For me, there has always been only one life plan, the one I have lived with my husband. But why is this so? What makes some marriages work while others fail?

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Labels: happy marriage

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Five Secrets of a Happy Marriage: Essential Marriage Tips from Real Therapists

Five Secrets of a Happy Marriage: Essential Marriage Tips from Real Therapists

To feel loved and nurtured, we must believe deep down that our partner is really there for us. That sounds simple, but it's far more complicated than most couples realize. Although Sally and Gary insisted that they were being attentive, they had difficulty being empathetic. That's significant: Marital researchers have found that couples who help each other weather stressful situations outside the marriage have stronger, happier relationships than those who can't.

The key is empathy. Empathy isn't the same as sympathy or pity. It means being able to put yourself in another's position, to feel what they feel and see what they see, without losing yourself in the process. And it means you do all that even though you may disagree with a partner's perception, opinions, or feelings. Take 30 minutes a day, at a time that works best for both of you, to empathize with the stresses and strains you are each experiencing in other areas of your life. It can make a difference between a marriage that succeeds and one that fails. Consider:

Empathy Don'ts
Don't stonewall (ignore what a partner is saying).
Don't minimize a spouse's concerns: "What's the big deal?" "You're always so sensitive!"
Don't rush to fix the problem: "Well, if I were you I'd..." or "You should have..." Many people mistakenly believe that downplaying worries or offering advice is helpful. In fact, pat reassurances often magnify negative feelings, since they force a person to try even harder to feel acknowledged. Women especially resent a partner's interruption with solutions, preferring instead to simply vent and know that someone is really listening.

Empathy Dos
Do pay attention. Set aside the newspaper or catalog and turn off the TV when your partner is talking. An occasional uh-huh or nod of the head indicates you haven't zoned out.
Do validate feelings. "He gave that special assignment to the new recruit? I can see why you're annoyed."
Do ask questions with genuine interest. Make sure your partner knows you heard what he or she has said. "So how did you respond to him?"
Do respond with affection, understanding, and support: "I'm really sorry you have to put up with that." "Oh, sweetheart, that could happen to anyone. Don't be so hard on yourself."
Do show support. Take your spouse's side. "I think your boss went a little overboard, too," is appropriate. "Well, you shouldn't have been late in the first place" isn't.


Excerpted from Seven Secrets of a Happy Marriage: Wisdom from the Annals of "Can This Marriage Be Saved?"

Rules for a Fair Fight

Before any couple can even begin to solve their problems, they have to learn how to use their anger constructively. How can anger be constructive? Use it to explore the underlying causes of your disagreements, and you'll find ways to address both of your needs.

If bickering punctuates your days; if arguments escalate quickly until you're both shouting things you later regret; or if you too often smile through gritted teeth while your stomach is roiling like an ocean in a hurricane, the following rules can help you defuse the rage and focus your energies on practical strategies for change. Make a promise to:

1. Remind yourself that it is okay to be angry, and don't feel guilty about having those angry feelings. Women, especially, grow up believing that it is unladylike and bitchy to express any negative feelings. Better to suppress anger, they're taught, than express it. But there are times when anger is legitimate and those occasions must be recognized and addressed. Once you do that, you'll be in a stronger position to say how you honestly feel and find a path for change.

2. Understand that although you disagree, you are not enemies. No matter how much people love each other, differences will eventually trigger conflict. Fighting fair means you will not attack each other -- physically or verbally. Name-calling, cursing, screaming, or blaming are verboten. So, is threatening separation or divorce.

3. Never use something that has been previously told to you in confidence as a weapon in an argument. When you do, you betray the trust your spouse has placed in you, and make it harder for your partner to feel emotionally safe in the marriage.

4. Never walk out of the room until you either both agree that an argument is over or have decided to table the problem and chosen a specific time to bring it up again.

5. Acknowledge each other's feelings and perceptions, without judgment or criticism. There's no "right" way to feel, and there will be times in every marriage that you simply will not agree. But you should always make the effort to unravel what is troubling your partner and show genuine caring for and awareness of his or her emotional experience. Phrases such as "I never thought of that" or "Tell me more about what you're thinking" will help you break out of an anger stalemate.

Excerpted from Seven Secrets of a Happy Marriage: Wisdom from the Annals of "Can This Marriage Be Saved?"

Getting Him to Open Up

Until the counselor pointed it out, Jamie and Ben didn't realize that the clash between her articulate, assertive style and his inability to give voice to his feelings was at the heart of many of their problems. She's certainly not the only wife to find herself in a conversational tango when trying to get her husband to communicate. To help him express his feelings:

Understand the silences. It can be hurtful and infuriating to try to talk to a man and feel as if you're talking to the wall. But while women often find silence uncomfortable, men find solace in it. What's more, we often read into a partner's silence our own desires, fears, and past experiences. If your parents endured long icy periods when they were angry and didn't speak, you may infer that your husband's lack of response means he's upset with you. His silence may simply mean he really has nothing particular on his mind. Similarly, a man whose father left the office behind when he walked in the door may believe it's inappropriate to talk about business issues or problems at home. Many men have reported that they don't tell their wives things because they don't want to worry them. That protectiveness, however, may be misinterpreted as lack of interest. Also, when he talks to others but not to you, it may be because he views having to make conversation and relay factual information as work. At home, he wants to relax. And that may mean sinking into his own thoughts or reverie.

Ask directly for what you need. Men and women have different definitions of the word "communication." Men problem-solve, often silently. They proceed directly from Step 1 ("Here's the issue") to Step 3 ("Do this"). Of course, you believe in Step 2: bouncing suggestions and possibilities around before coming to a solution. If your man is not the bouncing type, try presenting a specific agenda: "I'd like to talk about Jake's terrible behavior lately" or "We need to figure out how we're going to handle Amanda's ballet practices during the school week."

Phrase your questions to provoke responses. "How was your day?" won't jump-start a conversation. He may just say "fine" or "terrible." "Tell me about your presentation to that new client" might engage him more fully.

Learn to argue constructively. Many men are afraid to say anything because past experience has taught them that they'll be criticized or blamed for past crimes and misdemeanors.

Give him the floor. He may have learned to disengage as soon as you start talking, which makes you talk even more. Someone has to break the cycle; try counting to yourself if he's silent, or give him a friendly look to encourage him to respond.

Appreciate the silences. More likely than not, your spouse will never be as loquacious as your best friend. And you probably don't want him to be, either. So learn to listen to the silence. When he takes you in his arms for a long hug, shares in a joyful whoop with you when your son scores his first hockey goal, or reaches for your hand as you ride in the car, he may be saying a great deal.

Pick the right moment. You prefer talking when you get into bed because it's the first time all day you can relax; your husband falls asleep the minute his head hits the pillow. You like chatting over morning coffee, his brain doesn't get in gear until an hour later. Men often feel ambushed and tend to clam up unless they have a say in the timing of talks. They may also feel cornered when the whole agenda of your conversation is "the problem." If you try raising issues while doing an activity (playing backgammon, cooking a special dinner, or gardening), the talk will flow more easily. Another tactic: Ask him to come to you when he's ready to talk. You might try saying: "We don't have to discuss this right now, but I really want to understand what you're thinking about our moving to a bigger house. Talk to me when you're ready."

Excerpted from Seven Secrets of a Happy Marriage: Wisdom from the Annals of "Can This Marriage Be Saved?"

Secrets of Sexy Marriages

In every relationship, levels of sexual desire for both partners fluctuate. Some stages are predictable: when you first marry, after you have a child, when the kids leave home, when job pressures persist. These are all times when sexual moods and patterns of lovemaking may shift. Knowing this, and being confident enough to talk about it, strengthens intimacy. Couples with the sexiest marriages:

1. Remember that sex problems are sometimes red herrings. Understanding that impotence is a common problem at every stage of marriage is the first, and highest, hurdle most couples have to clear. Talking about the problem can be reassuring and often lessens the anxiety for both partners. In fact, the more both partners worry about the problem, the more intractable it becomes. However, wise couples recognize that impotence can also be a wake-up call, a signal of stress somewhere in the relationship. Instead of banishing feelings of frustration, unhappiness, or emotional overload -- at work, at home, with your kids or other family members -- ask yourselves if something is bothering one or both of you. Sit down and talk about issues in a nonconfrontational, nonjudgmental, and unhurried way. Once Cindy and Dan found the courage to talk, the episodes of sexual stage fright disappeared.

2. Don't save affection for the bedroom only. Couples whose sex lives bring them the most happiness eroticize their lives -- that is, they give affection physically and verbally through the day in different ways. They touch. Whether it's reassuring or frantically passionate, touch makes the difference between making love and having sex. Touch is a reflection of what you feel inside: You can convey desire, appreciation, delight, a sense of safety as well as boredom, resentment, or anger.

3. Make time for love. Sexy wives know that lovemaking is a habit: The more you do it, the more you like it, and the more you like it, the more you do it. They make lovemaking a top priority, and if that means scheduling sex, so be it. It won't be any less exciting just because it's planned. Sexual excitement feeds on itself. Just do it.

4. Talk every day. Even if it's just 10 minutes in the morning and 10 at night, voice your love. Call each other pet names, remember to say goodbye and good night. Be sure that you don't fall into the mind-reader trap of assuming your partner knows or should know what you're thinking and feeling simply "because he loves me." Those in a healthy, sexy marriage make a point of expressing their feelings and their attraction to each other on a regular basis.

5. Kiss often. We're not talking a perfunctory peck on the cheek but a deep, sensual, teasing kiss. Many longtime couples rarely kiss at all, going straight to intercourse when they have sex. Don't you remember the backseat? The cool, dark movie theater and the thrill of making out? Steal a kiss!

6. Have adventures. Instead of sex behind a locked bedroom door, these couples make love at the beach, in the car, in the shower, on the living room floor. They keep their eyes open during sex -- and sometimes leave the lights on -- because they know that watching their partner's eroticism makes sex easier.

7. Break the rules. Ask yourself: What ruts have we fallen into and how can we get out of them? Explore changes, even small ones, with which you both feel comfortable. Don't nix ideas automatically; instead, be willing to experiment with videos, sex toys, and magazines.

8. Learn what pleases. Know what you like and don't like in bed -- and make sure your partner knows, too.

Excerpted from Seven Secrets of a Happy Marriage: Wisdom from the Annals of "Can This Marriage Be Saved?"

Real Men Can Do Housework...

...But in the real world, they often don't. While studies from the Institute for Social Research at the University of Michigan confirm that this generation of couples does half the amount of housework their parents did, most of those chores are still shouldered by women. Is there a way to prevent everyday skirmishes over home front responsibilities from escalating into full-scale wars -- and still get him to put the dishes in the dishwasher? Let's look at both sides of the problem.

Her side
"I'm tired of doing all of it all the time."
"It's the psychic energy that's so draining. I have to be responsible for things even if I'm not in charge of them."
"How come he can fix a car engine but can't figure out how to put the toilet paper on the roll?"

His side
"When I do the grocery shopping, she says I buy the wrong tomato sauce."
"She'll find one spot of food on a pot and yell, 'Is this what you call clean?'"
"The fact that I can't remember to put my socks in the hamper is not a personal attack against her. I just...forget."


Even the best counselors don't have a foolproof recipe for success on this one. But here are a few suggestions. Try them; you never know...

Figure out exactly what needs to be done and who's doing it. Keep a log of everything for a week down to the minute details: Who walked the dog, who did the laundry, who folded, who took the car in for repair, and so on. It could well be that a spouse is doing more than you gave him or her credit for. In that case, make a point of appreciating each other's efforts. By not taking the chores, large or small, for granted, you create a spiral of appreciation that, in time, can erase resentment.

Talk about how things were done when you were growing up and what role models you had for sharing the work at home. If Mom did all the cooking, you may both hold the expectation that planning and cooking meals is only a woman's job. Some women also feel that if their husbands earn more than they do, they don't have a right to ask for help at home, even if they work, too. But as gender roles shift, and more women as well as men move in and out of the workforce, those expectations must change, as well. Talking about what you each expect and want is essential to balancing the scales.

Consider various plans for a fair division of labor. Maybe you go with a scenario based on expertise: Who excelled in math? Put that person in charge of the checkbook. Depersonalize the process, as if you're tackling something with a colleague. What's one way to solve the problem? What are five other possibilities? Who else could help with this problem? Perhaps hiring a neighborhood teenager to handle some chores, errands, or childcare would lighten the load for both of you.

Let go. Sometimes, when it comes to housework and children, women are their own worst enemies. You asked Daddy to dress the baby and the kid comes out with a top and bottom that don't match? So what? You wanted him to do the shopping? Then let him do it his way. The principle here is simple: If you give up responsibility for a chore, you have to give up control over it, too. Besides, some things just aren't worth quibbling about.

When all else fails, go on strike. It has been duly noted that some women have simply stopped doing domestic duty to make a point. Laundry? Wash and dry only yours. Kids need something bought or signed? Tell them to ask their dad. As long as things keep getting done, he may not realize how much, and in what detail, you actually do. Only when you stop will he get the hint.

Train your kids. Instead of fostering helplessness in the next generation, make sure your children, boys as well as girls, grow up believing that sharing the physical as well as the emotional chores at home is just what considerate people do.

Labels: happy marriage

posted by Robert Heard at 7:30 AM  | digg this  |  del.icio.us |  1 comment(s)

Happy Marriages

Happy Marriages
By Nancy Marie Brown

In the 1970s, divorce escalated like crazy. Women were entering the labor force in incredible numbers. Are those two things related," asks Alan Booth, "or aren't they?

"And if divorce is not related to women working, what is it related to?"

Booth, a Penn State sociologist, has been asking that question for 20 years. He himself has been divorced and remarried in the meantime, as has his co-investigator on the National Longitudinal Study of Marriage, Paul Amato. More to the point, they and their colleagues have amassed hours of survey data on 2,000 married men and women, interviewed by telephone, paper, or computer survey up to six times over the 20 years, "through a whole marital history, if you like," says Amato. "Some people in the study are on their third or fourth marriages. We've followed them through divorce, singlehood, and remarriage."

They've also interviewed many of their children.

Then in 2000, the research team interviewed a completely new random sample of 2,100 married individuals. "So we can look at two different kinds of change," Amato explains: "How individual marriages change over time, and how the population of married couples has changed between 1980 and 2000."

Their results are changing the way people think about marriage and divorce, and particularly about the effects of divorce on children.

"I think it's our study," says Booth, "that put the capstone on the idea that divorce can be bad for children. That's influenced a lot of family therapists to get parents to focus on the kids.

"The thing we'd like to have an effect on are all the people who get a divorce who are not in high-conflict marriages. They're not in great marriages, maybe, but they're in okay marriages. Can they be encouraged to stick with it until the kids are grown?"

omen working, Booth and his colleagues found, does not cause divorce. "We solved that problem pretty quickly," says Booth. "There were probably some mild effects early on, but people really enjoy the two incomes."

Over the last 20 years, notes Amato, "Family income went up a lot. Not because the wages of the men went up - men's wages have remained stagnant - but because the women entered the workforce and salaries for women did go up." According to their most recent surveys, 60 percent of married women are now employed, and their families are better off for it, both economically and psychologically. "In 2000, married individuals are more likely to own their own homes, they have higher incomes, they report they feel good about their family's economic wellbeing, a smaller proportion are using public assistance - there's not as much economic stress," Amato says.

"And family life is more egalitarian in terms of who is making the decisions," he adds. "Both husbands and wives are telling us this. In 1980, it was common for the husband to say he makes all the decisions. But when families reach decisions together, we've found, they're happier. Equality is good for a marriage. It's good for both husbands and wives. If the wife goes from a patriarchal marriage to an egalitarian one, she'll be much happier, much less likely to look for a way out. And in the long run, the husbands are happier too."

What exactly do people mean when they say they're happily married, and what prompts them to consider divorce?

When they began the study in 1980, Booth and his colleagues, then at the University of Nebraska, came up with a long list of variables besides women's working, including how many children a couple had, their relationship with their parents, if the parents were divorced, whether they moved a lot, their income, their employment patterns, the household division of labor, and their general attitudes. Other sociologists had devised good surveys to measure several of these variables; these Booth and his colleagues adapted to their study.

"But we felt that the existing measures of marital quality weren't adequate," Booth explains. "It was more than a feeling of happiness or satisfaction, we felt. It included the amount of marital interaction - of interaction that was not conflict.

"So we developed this new concept of divorce proneness or marital instability. We wanted to measure whether or not people thought about divorce, or talked to friends about divorce, or had seen a counselor, or had filed for divorce. Or is a divorce underway?" Divorce proneness also included personality attributes ("flies off the handle," "won't talk about it," "has irritating habits") and problem behaviors (trouble with the law, infidelity, drinking or drugs, child abuse). The measure has revealed that there are many kinds of happy and unhappy marriages. "There are people who are real unhappy but who wouldn't even think of divorce," Booth explains, "and people who say they are happy but don't see much of each other."

hat predicts divorce? "One of the best predictors of not getting a divorce," Amato says, "is owning a house. Buying a house is a representation of commitment. People are reluctant to sell it. It's hard to divide. Irrespective of family income, to be in the process of buying or paying off a house is stabilizing."

A strong risk factor, on the other hand, is what Booth and Amato call "intergenerational transmission of divorce." Says Amato, "If your parents were divorced, it's twice as likely that your own marriage will end in divorce. It's one of the strongest risk factors, actually."

Amato offers a number of possible explanations: Being a child of divorce could shape a person's attitudes. "If you've seen your parents model divorce as a solution for a bad marriage, you may be more accepting of it You may tend to think about divorce at lower thresholds of problems." On the other hand, if you watched your parents work out their disagreements, you're less likely to see divorce as a solution. "Some people come into a marriage committed to it for life," Amato notes. "Others say, sometimes divorce is unpleasant, but it's still an option."

"Some of that transmission of divorce," Amato adds, "seems to come from a deficit in interpersonal skills. In our study, we found people who had been divorced were more likely to report not listening to what their spouse was saying or getting angry and losing their temper. One person tried to dominate the marriage. There was an unwillingness to compromise. In a divorced family, children don't learn how to communicate effectively because they don't see their parents modelling it. Many of them grow up and enter marriage without the skills they need to maintain a relationship."


Another risk factor for divorce, strangely, is living together, Amato says. "Couples who cohabitate prior to marriage report more problems and are more likely to think about divorce. That's opposite to what you'd expect. When this finding first began to be noticed and was replicated over and over, we thought it was a selection process. People who cohabitate tend to be less religious, less traditional, more liberal. Perhaps it's not surprising that they accept divorce. The same traits that predict if you will cohabitate also predict problems in your marriage.

"But our more recent information suggests there may be something about living together that actually makes you more unconventional. That the behavior shapes your attitudes. What I think part of the problem is, people are less thoughtful about a decision to cohabitate than a decision to marry. People very rarely marry without giving it some thought. But they might wind up cohabitating with someone. Then, once they're cohabitating, there's a momentum that leads them to marry. There's pressure to get married from others. The potential of having children is more likely. They're more reluctant to break up because they're a 'thing' together - they've bought pots and pans together. People wind up with partners they may not be compatible with. It's a drift into marriage. Or, when things start causing problems, people who are cohabitating will say, 'Let's get married,' as if that will solve everything."

ooth feels the most important result of their 20-year study has been to illustrate the effect of divorce on kids.

"We discovered that kids from certain kinds of marriages didn't suffer much at all from a divorce," says Booth, "whereas kids from other kinds of marriages did. When kids came from a high-conflict home, they did pretty well when the marriage finally ended and they got out of it. They did almost as well as children from intact marriages on all sorts of measures. We looked at whether or not they were depressed, their sense of well-being, if they were married and, if so, how well they got along with their spouses, at their friendships, and at their relationships with relatives.

"But on every measure, we found that coming from a low-conflict marriage that ends in divorce had a devastating effect on the kids." Not having seen their parents fighting, "they were caught totally by surprise," Booth notes. "The divorce wasn't something they desired at all." They had no way of understanding their parents were unhappy. "What they'd gotten to know and gotten used to - that looks good to a kid. When all of that is threatened, it has a devastating effect on a kid. They could see nothing but bad things following from it."

So who are the people getting divorced but not fighting? They're risk-takers, people who generally have favorable attitudes toward divorce. And they often have someone new waiting in the wings. Socially, says Booth, "They are people who are somewhat isolated. They're detached. They move a lot. They're not involved in a church. They have less contact with their relatives. They are less likely to own a home. They hadn't experienced a divorce themselves and had little idea what effect it would have on their children. Basically, they weren't thinking about the children at all."

Booth and Amato, on the other hand, think couples in these so-so marriages should think of the children first. "We do upset people," Booth says, "because we advocate that attention needs to be paid to the children." And they have the data to back up their opinion. "The effect is much less if the divorce occurs when the child is in late adolescence," Booth explains. "When they're out of the home, they're affected even less. Then they don't have to live through the divorce. They're not so likely to lose contact with one set of their relatives. They don't have to cut off contact with their father or mother.

"We certainly aren't in the camp of people who say the covenant of marriage is the answer, but we do think parents should say, 'The children are at risk. Let's stay together a little longer.'"

Besides, their data also show that divorce isn't always a cure for someone's marital problems. "We looked at people in the sample who married, got a divorce, and remarried to see how the second marriage differed from the first, and how the quality of the first marriage carried over into the second," Booth says.

"We found that the correlation of marital happiness and marital interaction was very low. The second marriage was different from the first one, but then the question becomes, was it any better? The vast majority of people had 'no gain.' A minority reported it got better, and a very small minority reported that the second marriage was worse. For the vast majority, it's different, but not an improvement. Things traded off.

"A marriage is a hard thing to maintain," Booth concludes. "The only thing that's harder is raising children is a happy marriage.

Labels: happy marriage

posted by Robert Heard at 8:53 AM  | digg this  |  del.icio.us |  0 comment(s)

How To Keep Love Alive In Your Marriage

How To Keep Love Alive In Your Marriage

by : Patty Apostolides




the beginning of a relationship, love seems to have a life of its own. Without much effort, you feel like you are on top of the world. You catch yourself smiling and laughing often, and feeling warm inside whenever you are with your loved one. Everything and everyone suddenly appears better through the rose-colored glasses of love. This euphoric feeling does not last forever, however. After the first year of marriage, the day to day activities of being married, working in a job, raising a family, buying and maintaining a home, etc., all take their toll, and romance takes a back seat.
Love has to be worked on, just like a gardener with his garden. Although he has planted the seeds, and expects the sun and rain to do most of the work, he still has to pull the weeds out of the garden, to fertilize it, and water it if there isn’t enough rain. That is the same with a healthy, loving relationship. When love becomes a high priority in a marriage, it is taken care of and nurtured daily. The resulting love rewards you by growing into a more mature, mellow, committed feeling, and when tested, rises up to meet the challenge. How does one keep love alive in a marriage?

Make Time

You need to designate quality time with your loved one. Don’t take it for granted that he/she will always be there when you want them. Remember all those dates you took when you were courting? Now, it’s not so easy. There’s usually someone else making demands on him/her – whether it’s the children with their homework, or the boss expecting you to work late hours, or even an elderly parent that requires assistance. Also, it now might require finding a baby-sitter, or juggling the time with another activity that might take precedence. Whatever happens, make time for each other. Also, make time to hug and/or kiss each other often. You’ll be glad you did. The time you spend together will re-energize you and make you feel good for the rest of the day.

If you can’t get away, you can still set a date at home, after the children are asleep. The important thing is to have fun together. Here are a few things you can plan to do at home together:


Physical intimacy – might put some soft music in the background, maybe even dance together
Pour a favorite drink, make an ice cream sundae, or grab some munchies, and have fun talking with your loved one.
Play a favorite board game or card game, anything that makes you enjoy yourselves.
Make popcorn and watch a favorite video.

This is not the time to solve life’s problems or issues. If there are any lurking issues in the background (and these may be keeping you from enjoying yourself), then sometimes you just might have to talk about it first, get it out in the open in a loving environment, then continue with your plans. Often, positive energy is tied up within us when a problem or issue has not been resolved.

Use these times to tell him/her how special they are to you (how intelligent, how thoughtful, how loving, how caring, etc.).

What is Romance?

Romance is the opportunity to show your loved one how special he/she is to you. It means taking the time for them, and making time, even if you don’t have it. It doesn’t mean thinking only about yourself, or having only your needs met. It means putting the other person first. Here are some ideas to spice up your romance:

Do small acts of kindness – give him/her flowers, or a little gift, or write a poem, etc.

Say “Thank you" and 'I Love You' often.
Be considerate of his/her feelings, etc.
Take long walks together – anywhere.
Share jokes at mealtime. Laughter is a great way to share one’s love.
Visit a museum, visit community festivals, tour a new site, or attend a lecture together.
Hug and kiss often.
If your spouse doesn’t do things for you, then show him/her by gently pointing out what you like. If you like flowers for your birthday, and you haven’t gotten flowers, then let them know, particularly when he/she asks you what you would like. Don’t think they can read your mind, let them know.

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate

Over time, we learn how to read our spouse. Their behavior, their actions, are important clues that alert us to how they are feeling. Often, we think we know what they are thinking, and we become sloppy, and don’t talk about it, or they don’t bring it up.

For example, if he had a bad day at the office, and comes home snapping at the children and being tense, the last thing to do is to take it personally. Invite him to relax, as dinner is prepared, then after he’s eaten, ask him how his day was. Sooner or later, the truth will come out, and you will learn what happened. You need to be a responsive listener, and not criticize your spouse, for he will surely clam up. The last thing he wants to hear is criticism.

Other signs that can bring on a spouse’s anger/tenseness:

Hunger: If your spouse hasn’t eaten for awhile, not only their stomach growls, but they growl also. Keep your husband well fed (but not overfed)

Criticism: Try and avoid criticizing your partner. If there is something bothering you, then voice it in a way that you don’t point fingers or blame him/her. Try not to keep distance between you. Communicate your feelings, how his/her action affected you, and how you were hurt by that action. Never, ever criticize your spouse in public. An apology is forthcoming, no matter how right you thought you were.

Tiredness: If your husband has been working all day, and you ask him to do a bunch of chores when he gets home, don’t expect him to thank you. See if you can spread the chores out, so they include the weekend. Planning ahead helps here.

Take Care of Your Body

Although you may not look like you did when you were dating years ago, you can take measures to look just as good if not better.

Physical wellbeing - make sure you stay in shape, eat the right foods, and dress nicely. All these actions not only get more compliments your way, they make you feel good about yourself, so that you can be more confident in yourself.

Spiritual wellbeing – don’t neglect this powerful aspect of life. Pray, go to church, believe. Studies have shown that families that pray together, stay together.
Mental wellbeing – if you are a stay-at-home mother, find some good books to read, or read the newspaper or magazines. This will allow you to keep abreast with interesting topics, and will provide your spouse an interesting partner to discuss life issues with.
Don’t Substitute

Don’t substitute anyone or anything else for your loved one. Don’t go to a coworker or a friend, and share intimate secrets, because you may be betraying your loved one’s trust. Don’t watch television or be on the computer all the time, when you could be spending quality time with your loved one. Don’t spend all your time with the children, ignoring your spouse, because your husband or wife should be number one on the list. If people, organizations, or children clamor for your attention, put your spouse first, and then them. When you put your spouse first, you’ll notice you won’t need to be going to all these other people for emotional support. You’ll also notice you’ll be having more fun with the person you’ll spend the rest of your life with. Don’t underestimate the importance of love in a marriage. Cherish and nurture it, and you will have made the best investment in your life.

About The Author
Patty Apostolides is author of Lipsi's Daughter. She has also published poetry and written several articles. Her website showcases her work: http://www.geocities.com/10500bc/index.html

Labels: healthy marriage

posted by Robert Heard at 7:46 AM  | digg this  |  del.icio.us |  0 comment(s)

Maybe your marriage can be saved

"A great marriage is not when the 'perfect couple' comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences."
Dave Meurer "Daze of our Wives"

Maybe your marriage can be saved
Ok, here we are in what I feel is the most important section of this website. I’m going to be blunt with you here, I think that the vast majority of marriages can and should be saved, especially those with children involved.

I think most people divorce too quickly, with motives that are ultimately too selfish. I think that if more people could commit as much energy to their existing relationship as they do to an affair, or to their job, or even to their friends they would find themselves ultimately enjoying a lasting, rewarding relationship with their current spouse. And the statistics speak for themselves:

Between 43 and 50% of first marriages will end in divorce within the first 15 years.
The relative risk of suicide with 100 people is 1.0 for a single person, while a divorced person is at 2.9.
The annual rate of depression in 100 single (never married) women is 2.4. Married (never divorced) women have a rate of 1.5. Women divorced once have a rate of 4.1 and women divorced twice have a rate as high as 5.8. These numbers are according to the National Institute of Mental Health.
Four separate studies show that between 9 and 15% of children of two parent homes drop out of high school. Children of single parent homes drop out at a rate of 16 to 29%.
The percentage of teen unmarried girls in homes with two parents typically runs at a rate of between 11 and 20%. Girls in homes with a single parent have babies at a rate of between 19 and 31%.

I feel very strongly that divorce should be the absolute last resort, and that as much as we like to think of it as a solution, divorce doesn’t always solve problems.

Believe me, it has not been totally easy to write this section. I feel very strongly that divorce should be the absolute last resort, and that as much as we like to think of it as a solution, divorce doesn’t always solve problems. In fact, more often than not, you trade one set of problems in for a totally different set, only now you’re alone as you try to deal with them. Women are almost always worse off financially after a divorce. Men in most cases find themselves in a lesser role as a parent. Children suffer the most overall, and in most cases for kids, the divorce is the beginning of the bad times, not the end of it. Most children don’t realize that Mom and Dad are having trouble, but once a divorce happens, they see life changing, their security becomes threatened and in the long run, they are often worse off than they would have been had Mom and Dad even stayed together in a less than perfect marriage.

Statistically, second marriages have an even higher failure rate than first marriages, so don’t go kidding yourself into thinking it’s going to be better the next time around. So my challenge as I head into this section is to maintain some objectivity, to not preach and to provide worthwhile information to you as you try to make this extremely important decision. Also, please understand that I also believe there are marriages out there that should be ended, as well as many that will end no matter how hard one party tries to save it. I am a firm believer that any marriage that involves mental or physical abuse should absolutely be ended as quickly as possible. I also understand that your spouse may want out, and nothing you can do will change that. My own situation was like that, my wife wanted out and was basically unwilling to do anything to give us a serious chance to save our marriage.

Divorce is hell on all involved.

If you're not sure, if you're wavering, or you question your own motives, by all means, suck it up for a while and make one last effort to save your marriage. But a word of caution, if you try the same tactics you've tried before, you will fail. You need to try something new. If you do nothing else, buy a copy of Relationship Rescue and work all the way through it. This book will give you new skills for working on your relationship, new ways to approach the problems that are tearing you and your spouse apart. Another absolutely wonderful book on this topic is Divorce Busting. If I could, I'd see to it that every couple whose marriage is on the rocks got a copy of this book.

But let’s stay realistic here. Every marriage can’t be saved and in some instances a divorce will actually be better for at least one of the two people involved. But those aren’t the types of situations I want to discuss here. This section is about saving marriages. We’re going to be working on the marriages where there’s at least a 50/50 chance of working things out. Hopefully, you feel as if that’s the situation you are in now.

Now, if you've read this far so far, and you're still not sure which direction you should go, I've found an important resource that I think you should check out. A highly respected couple who have devoted their professional lives to helping others, Susie and Otto Collins have made available and ebook entitled "Should You Stay or Should You Go". If you're really and truly on the fence and can't figure out if you should continue along the path of trying to save your marriage, you owe it to yourself, your spouse and your family to read this ebook.

Be honest with yourself, let’s not build up a bunch of false hope here, but if you’re honestly willing to work at it, and you really want to save your marriage, read on and you should be able to find some helpful information as you move forward.

To address some particular issues that often come up when people start trying to save their marriages, I've also created a few pages that are directed specifically to these issues. They are:

Infidelity - Dealing with cheating spouses.
Better Sex - Fixing your sexual relationship.
Boredom - What happens when the flame flickers out.
Finances - Take care of the money so it doesn't create problems

“I’m sure we can save our marriage if my wife/husband would just change __________” If you’ve heard yourself saying that sentence, with the blank filled in with whatever it happens to be, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that your odds are probably not that great for saving your marriage, given your current mindset. How about this one… “My husband/wife will stay with me if only I can change the way I _________________” Think this scenario has any more of a chance for success? It’s doubtful. So now you’re thinking, “Ok, he’s saying that she isn’t to blame, and I’m not to blame, so who’s to blame and who needs to change?”

Well, how about this? How about we make the assumption that no one is to blame. “But wait,” you say “my wife had an affair, she’s to blame, it’s her fault our marriage is dead, she violated her vows to me, it’s her fault.” Or maybe your situation goes something like this. “It’s his fault our marriage is breaking up, his constant drinking has turned him into an alcoholic, couch potato. We can only save our marriage if he’s willing to stop drinking and start exercising.” Ok, in both of those scenarios, it’s pretty easy for someone outside of the relationship to nod sympathetically and say to you “You’re right, he/she is no good, it’s his/her fault and you're doing the right thing by getting the divorce.” (We’ll talk more about these “friends” later.) But let’s talk a little bit about both of those statements and why they’re not the kind of thinking that will get your marriage on the road to recovery.

First of all, you’re not going to save your marriage by placing blame on your spouse and then sitting back waiting for them to fix things. If you’re just going to lay out the conditions your spouse must meet, then sit back and wait for the changes to happen, you’ve given your spouse total control over the fate of your marriage, and there is literally nothing you can do to influence the situation. You’ve turned yourself into nothing more than the scorekeeper. “Well, Jim drank another six pack in front of the TV last night. I guess he just doesn’t want to save our marriage.” (At this point, the sympathetic friend is obligated to say some kind words of encouragement. “Mary, that man is just no good. You’re a saint for trying to work things out, but I think you just need to kick him out.”) Not a very promising sounding scenario, is it. As hard as it may be, you’re going to have to accept the fact that you also must take some of the blame for the way things are.

Hold on now -- I just said “some of the blame”!

Believe me, I understand how you can have a hard time with that one, but I also believe that it’s vital that you accept some of the responsibility for the situation, and that you also accept that you may also have to change if you really want to save your marriage.

Second, you’re “friends” aren’t going to help save your marriage by echoing your feelings back to you like they’re doing. They’re not intentionally sabotaging your efforts, but they’re not helping either. What you need now is someone who can help you see yourself and your spouse as two worthwhile, valuable people who both have something to contribute to the relationship. Now, before we’re done spending time together, you’ll hear me say more than once that you need to get over your fear of asking for help. You’re reading these words because you’re in a situation you are having a hard time handling alone, there’s nothing wrong with that, no weakness implied, it’s just the way it is. If you’ll search with an open mind, you’ll find that there are tons of people you can turn to in this time of confusion and pain for help. Mostly, I’m talking about a neutral third party. This person may be your local religious leader, a friend who cares about both of you and who isn’t afraid to say things you might not want to hear, or even a professional counselor or therapist.

Now don’t let me lose you here, I understand that you may be finding yourself in a situation where you suddenly found out that your spouse was cheating on you, you feel like you have done nothing wrong, and so it’s not you that has to change, it’s your spouse. At first glance, it’s easy to get in that position; you were wronged, your spouse has to change if the marriage is to be saved. But here’s the point I want to make: You cannot save your marriage by placing all the blame on your spouse and then sitting back and waiting for them to change. What you need to understand, if you’re going to try to rebuild your relationship is that you are BOTH going to have to change and you’re BOTH going to have to want to save the relationship. You’re BOTH going to have to commit to it, if there is a snowballs' chance of saving it. What that means is that your Hubby is going to have to dump the 19 year old aerobics instructor he’s been secretly sleeping with, and you are going to have to swallow your pride and begin to try to get to the bottom of why he had the affair in the first place. Now I won’t sit here now and try to define all the reasons that marriages go bad, there’s no way I can do that here. Maybe your spouse had an affair partly because you’ve stopped taking care of yourself and you’re not the trim athletic girl you were when he married you. The reasons will only be important to you and your spouse, they’ll be the reasons and the factors that are affecting your marriage, and you both have to take steps to fix those things, together.

What I want to do is make you understand that there were two people who stood on the alter together and promised to love each other forever, and if there aren’t two people working on fixing the problems, there isn’t any relationship to save.

Labels: happy marriage

posted by Robert Heard at 8:15 AM  | digg this  |  del.icio.us |  0 comment(s)

Make your Marriage Last Forever

Make Your Marriage
Last FOREVER!




Make Your Marriage Last Forever!

Topics Covered:
10 Secrets to Achieving Marital Harmony
Money, Sex & Children: How to Avoid Life's Greatest Battles
How to Give Unconditional Love
How to Become a Better Listener
Getting Beyond "He Said/She Said"
How to Demand Respect AND Get It
How to Fight Fairly
How to Forgive AND Forget
10 Ways to Reawaken Passion
10 Secrets to a Happy Marriage
10 Ways to Recharge Your Romance
Weekend Romantic Adventure Ideas




Would you like your own Private Label version of this report and dozens of
others just like it? Find out how you can lay claim to the original Word doc and
brand free PDF version by clicking here.

1
Make Your Marriage Last Forever!

10 Secrets to Achieving Marital Harmony

Marital harmony can be achieved in a variety of ways. Sometimes it is the little things
that maintain the peace in a relationship and sometimes it is more monumental
decisions that can either harm or help the harmony in the household. While agreement
is not always possible, it is important for the couple to realize that even during
arguments it’s possible to maintain harmony. As long as you understand that
disagreements are only temporary the harmony in your marriage will remain throughout
all types of trials and tribulations.

Being aware of your partner’s likes and dislikes is one way to achieve marital harmony.
This awareness allows you to operate in a way that keeps your partner’s preferences in
mind. If you know what your partner likes and doesn’t like you can take precautions to
not engage in an activity that will hurt your partner. Additionally, your partner will
respect your consideration of their feelings. This consideration is necessary for those
who wish to achieve marital harmony.

Sharing in the decision making process is also critical to achieving marital harmony. This
is important for a couple of reasons. First it gives the couple the opportunity to work
together to make a decision and second it helps to make them both feel involved in the
process. Also, if one person takes the responsibility of making decisions without
consulting their partner it can lead to resentment especially if the decision turns out to
be a bad one.

Another secret to achieving marital harmony is to work to balance your career and home
life. It is easy to get caught up in your job responsibilities and to begin to allow your job
to take precedence in your relationship but working hard to ensure this doesn’t happen
will be beneficial to your marriage. It’s important to realize that no job is more important
than your relationship. There may be times that you need to work late or on weekends
but try to keep these instances to a minimum.
Also, strive to not bring home your work, either physically or mentally, and allow it to
encroach on your marriage. It’s acceptable to share information about your day and
vent about any problems you may have had for a little while but going on and on about
your job will cause problems in your marriage.

Any marriage is bound to have its problems and disagreements but it’s important to not
let that problem linger. When disagreements arise, try working out an amicable
agreement but when this is not possible sometimes you just have to agree to disagree
and move on with your marriage. Remember that each morning is a new day and strive
to wake up having forgotten any arguments you may have had with your spouse on the
previous day. If you made your best effort to resolve the problem and were unable to
reach a resolution, just let it go and start the new day out harmoniously.
2

Agreeing on financial matters is also key to achieving marital harmony. Money is one of
the issues that creates the most arguments in a marriage. If both partners are aware of
their current financial situation and are willing to work together to establish a budget
and stick to it, you will avoid discontent related to financial matters in the marriage.

Perhaps an important secret to achieving marital harmony that is often overlooked is
knowing your partner very well and discussing major issues before getting married. For
example if you have always wanted children, it’s best to find out your partners view on
children before getting married. Differences of opinion in an area such as this can doom
a marriage. However, if you make sure you marry someone who agrees with you about
these critical issues you will avoid having problems arise later in the marriage as these
subjects come up.

Keeping politics and other sensitive issues out of your marriage is also important to
maintaining harmony. It’s acceptable to have opposing viewpoints on issues and debate
your beliefs but allowing these issues to create a major rift it your marriage is not
acceptable. Two people can exist harmoniously in a marriage while holding opposing
viewpoints as long as they respect each other’s opinions.

Allowing each other some time to be alone can also help you achieve marital harmony.
It’s important to spend time together and share interests but sometimes too much time
together can be stifling. It is important for each partner to have interests or hobbies that
they participate in without their spouse. This time away from each other helps to
maintain harmony by giving each partner a sense of individuality.

Being respectful of your spouse is also very important to achieving marital harmony.
Couples that treat themselves and each other with respect are able to maintain a sense
of civility and accord even during disagreements. This feeling of respect will help the
couple to remain harmonious even in the most trying situations.

One last secret to achieving marital harmony is to share household chores. A couple that
divides up the responsibilities in the household and strives to help each other out
whenever possible will have an easy time maintaining harmony. Failure to do this,
however, can be very damaging to a relationship. If you have to go as far as drawing up
a list of chores and who is responsible for them, go ahead and do that. A written
document illustrating who does what around the house will make it clear if one person is
overburdened.

It is important to not confuse harmony with agreement. Couples do not have to agree
on every issue in order to have a sense of marital harmony. There are many factors that
contribute to whether or not a marriage is harmonious. Some factors may be bigger
than others, but they are all equally important in achieving marital harmony.


3
Money, Sex & Children: How to Avoid Life’s Greatest Battles

Some of life’s greatest battles are over issues such as money, sex and children. While
these are issues that elicit passionate responses and feelings, it is possible to deal with
these issues without arguing. In fact not only can you avoid battles over these issues,
but these issues can also enhance your relationship. Having realistic expectations about
these issues can help you to avoid or resolve any conflicts over these issues. Money, sex
and children are the source of many problems in a relationship so it’s advisable that you
proceed with caution when these subjects arise.

Money can be a tremendous source of tension and disagreements in a relationship.
Many couples struggle with financial matters and this perpetual struggle leads to tension
in their relationship. One way to alleviate the tensions associated with financial concerns
is to make sure both partners are involved in financial matters. If both partners are
away of the amount of resources available to them and their monthly expenditures, they
will both have a better understanding of where they stand financially. This way if
problems arise, neither partner is caught off guard in this situation.
It is also important that couples share the financial decision making process especially in
regards to large purchases. Sharing in making these decisions will ensure that each
partner has the opportunity to voice their opinions or concerns and feels as though they
are working as a team with their partner. Conversely, if one partner makes a large
purchase without consulting their partner, the relationship may suffer because the
partner who was not involved in the decision begins to feel left out and hurt. When a
couple shares the financial responsibilities there is less likely to be problems that arise as
a result of finances then there are when one of the partners takes sole responsibility for
the finances.

Sex can also be a source of trouble in a relationship. Too much sex, not enough sex and
sex that is too routine are common complaints in a relationship. Some of these battles
may be avoided by scheduling sexual encounters on a regular basis. While it may sound
unromantic to do this, the truth is that with work, children and other responsibilities
sometimes there just isn’t time for sex unless it is scheduled ahead of time. Scheduling
will ensure that the couple engages in physical contact every so often instead of letting
this aspect of their relationship take a back seat to other obligations.
Boring or routine sex is another common complaint in a relationship. You can keep
things interesting by varying your routine every once in awhile and trying new things.
You can also avoid problems related to sex in your relationship by discussing your likes
and dislikes with your partner and encouraging your partner to be open with you about
their likes and dislikes as well. Sex is a healthy and necessary part of a relationship but
it can also be a source of conflict in the relationship.

Children are a blessing in a relationship but they can also be a source of many battles in
the relationship. The most important issue with children is whether or not a couple is
both interested in having children. If only one of the partners desires to have children
then introducing children into the relationship can be a recipe for disaster. If you are not
both committed to having and raising children then it is best to put off having children
4
until you are both ready to be parents. If children are already a part of the relationship,
they can still cause problems. Arguments over disciplinary tactics are very common. The
couple may not agree on how to discipline their child and this disagreement can not only
be detrimental to the relationship but can also be confusing for the child. To avoid
battles over children make sure you and your partner are committed to having children
before attempting to conceive and discuss disciplinary tactics and come to an agreement
that you will both abide by in dealing with the children.

Money, sex and children are the subjects that couples argue about most often. These
volatile subjects can also be a source of great joy when managed correctly but until the
couple learns how to do this, they will continue to be explosive issues. The keys to
dealing with these issues without starting battles is to tread lightly and not force your
opinions, discuss the issues before they arrive and try to make the best of the existing
situations without constant complaints.


How to Give Unconditional Love

Unconditional love is given without any expectations, limitations or any other definitions.
In other words when you love someone unconditionally you do so without expectations
that the sentiment will be returned, without placing restrictions or conditions under
which the love will be expressed and without establishing defining parameters for when,
where or why the love is felt or expressed. There are many examples of relationships
where the love is unconditional. The love between romantic partners, parent and child,
siblings and even friends can all be examples of unconditional love. The most important
factors of unconditional love are that it is completely free of restrictions or expectations.

In giving unconditional love, it is important that you have no expectations of
reciprocation. You offer your love freely and do not demand that the feeling be
returned. Unconditional love is about you and your feelings and does not involve trying
to create the same feelings in another person. While you may hope and wish that the
feeling is returned, truly unconditional love does not hold any expectations that a mutual
feeling exists. If you hold the expectation that your love for the other person is going to
eventually be reciprocated and your love endures based on this expectation then it is
not truly unconditional love.
One example of unconditional love without any expectations is the love between a
parent and child. A parent may love their child unconditionally and while the feeling may
be reciprocated by the child, the parent’s love will endure regardless of how the child
feels. Your unconditional love exists even if the other person does not have reciprocal
feelings towards you or any intentions of ever having such feelings.

Unconditional love also exists without any restrictions or limitations under which the
feeling will remain. Truly unconditional love endures any transgression imaginable.
When you give your unconditional love, you do so knowing that the actions or words of
the other person will not result in this loving feeling being revoked. Even intentional acts
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meant to hurt you are overlooked when they are inflicted by someone with whom you
have an unconditional love. Also, unconditional love is not used to attempt to control the
actions of another. Telling someone that they will lose your love if they do things you do
not approve of is not unconditional love. Romantic partners often have a feeling of
unconditional love. When this exists in the relationship, neither partner uses their love to
control the other or threatens to revoke the love if their demands are not met.

Truly unconditional love is given without any defining parameters. When unconditional
love is given, it is done so without the understanding that the love will only endure as
long as certain conditions exist. Unconditional love exists without thought of setting
definitions or other limitations on the love surviving. Siblings are good examples of
unconditional love that exists without any definitions. While siblings may fight
throughout their lifetime there is a bond that is present always and is never challenged.
Siblings may become angry with each other but their unconditional love transcends all
boundaries and survives through countless arguments and misunderstandings.

Those who have an unconditional love for another always want the best for the one they
love and allow them to be free to seek what will truly make them happy. Unconditional
love involves wanting the best for the person you love and understanding that they need
to be free and make their own choices to achieve this level of happiness. While you may
believe that you know what is best for your loved one, it’s important to let them learn
things on their own and pursue opportunities and experiences that they believe will
make them happy. They may end up making wrong choices but if you love them
unconditionally you will always be there for them and will not judge their actions.

Unconditional love is truly free of any expectations, limitations or definitions. This is a
love that holds your loved ones best interests and happiness above all other things
including your own happiness. When you offer your love unconditionally it is important
to realize that you have no right to expect that your feelings will be returned or that
your loved one will act and speak according to guidelines you set forth.


How to Become a Better Listener

Listening is an integral part of the communication process but it is also the part that is
overlooked most frequently. Many people spend a great deal of time polishing their
speaking skills but put little or no effort into becoming a better listener. The art of
listening really isn’t very difficult and you can improve your listening skills in just a few
simple steps.

Perhaps the most important tip for being a better listener is to give the speaker your
undivided attention. Be sure to concentrate on the speakers words and resist the
temptations to tune out their message. While speaking on the phone many people
participate in other activities such as checking email, reading newspapers and other
activities that distract from the conversation. Even in a face to face situation many
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listeners zone out by either thinking about their response to the speaker or daydreaming
about something completely off topic. By allowing yourself to be distracted, you are not
listening as well as you could be. Even just a small amount of distraction could result in
you missing a critical point of the speaker’s presentation. Focusing 100% on the
speaker, however, will ensure that you are listening well and taking in all of the
pertinent information.

Part of being a good listener is making sure that everything you hear comes directly
from the speaker and not from your interpretation of their words. This means that as
the speaker is talking, listen to the words as they are being spoken instead of trying to
guess the point that the speaker is trying to make. Many people are guilty of jumping to
conclusions this way and this hurts their listening ability. People who do this often don’t
hear the speaker’s message because it is blocked out by their own assumptions. Good
listeners take in information as the words are spoken instead of thinking ahead and
forming their own conclusions.

Creating mental images of the speaker’s words is another way to become a better
listener. This visualization process allows you to really comprehend the words you are
hearing. Visualization techniques can enhance the way that people process information.
These mental images will help you to retain the information you have just heard and this
enhanced comprehension makes you a better listener.

Asking questions that relate to the speaker’s presentation can also help you to become a
better listener. It’s important to ask questions without allowing the formulation of the
questions to interfere with your listening. If you latch onto one of the speaker’s key
points and spend the rest of the conversation thinking up a question you will miss a lot
of information. However, if you ask your questions immediately when they arise, you
can have them answered in the context of the presentation without having it affect your
listening abilities. Asking questions is an important part of listening because it lets the
speaker know that you are following what he is saying and that you are interested in
learning more about the topic.

Being mindful of your body language is another way to be a good listener. Be sure to
not engage in body language that tells the speaker that you are not interested in their
words. Crossing your arms, avoiding eye contact and wincing are all ways that you can
send a message to a speaker that you are not listening carefully to them. These
mannerisms can result in the conversation being cut short because the speaker does not
feel you are interested in what they are saying.

Practicing your listening skills is another way to become a better listener. Make a
conscientious effort to apply your listening skills each time you speak to someone or
attend a presentation. You can practice your listening skills by remaining completely
focused on the conversation or presentation, not trying to guess what the speaker is
about to say, creating mental images of the spoken words and asking pertinent
questions to affirm what you have just heard. Each time you have the opportunity to
listen try to work on these elements.

While listening skills are not as widely practiced as speaking skills, they are just as
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important to a conversation. Being a good listener will not only ensure that you are
receiving information but will affirm to the speaker that you care about the information
being presented and that you understand their message.


Getting Beyond “He Said/She Said”

The term, “He said/she said” is often heard in the unfortunate case of rape. In this
situation the term applies to the fact that when there is little factual evidence on which
to base a decision the jury is left trying to determine who’s story they believe and the
case becomes one of her word against his. These cases perhaps illustrate the problems
regarding he said/she said that couples are faced with in a relationship. Beyond the fact
that in a rape case one or both of the parties may not be telling the truth, exists the
underlying problem that men and women think and process information differently.
The differences between men and women include differences in thought process,
sensitivity, memory, and communication. A successful relationship is one that recognizes
the difference between men and women and is able to get beyond the he said/she said
scenarios.

Men and women have a different thought process when it comes to solving problems.
While both sexes are capable of solving problems equally well the thought process
involved in coming to a resolution varies between men and women. For men a problem
is an opportunity for them to demonstrate their problem solving skills in a quick and
efficient manner. Men see having the problem solved as the ultimate goal and they
believe that the best solution is the one that is quickest and most efficient.
Women on the other hand see a problem as an opportunity to work together and reach
a resolution. Women relish the chance to communicate about the problem and the act
of working together to solve the problem is more important than actually solving the
problem. Women may feel closer to their partner, even if the problem still exists, if she
feels that the resolution process drew them closer together. Understanding that women
and men view the problem solving process differently will help a relationship to prosper.

Sensitivity is another area where men and women differ. Women have a heightened
sense of sensitivity relative to men. This heightened sensitivity results in women being
more prone to act on their emotions rather than on rational thought. A woman’s
sensitivity allows her to understand her own feelings as well as those of others better so
her reactions tend to take feelings into consideration above logic.
However, men do not have the same level of sensitivity and therefore are more likely to
make their decisions based solely on logic and not take feelings and emotions into
consideration. This disparity can result in problems during a relationship because the
woman assumes that the man intentionally tried to hurt their feelings if they make a
decision that has this effect while the man may grow frustrated if he believes the
woman made an irrational decision. Realizing that this difference exists will help a
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couple go get beyond he said/she said.

Men and Women also differ in terms of memory. Men have a memory that is stronger in
situations where they can recall the details of an event by making an association with
something concrete such as a location or item. For example men are more apt to
remember an event that took place in a location that they are able to visualize well.
Women on the other hand have a memory that is stronger when they are able to
associate the emotions felt with that memory to other memories where they had similar
emotions. This type of memory is especially problematic because when I women
becomes angry with her partner, she is often able to recall other situations where he
has angered her. Unless the difference in memory is recognized it can become a source
of frustration in a relationship when the man and woman don’t understand why their
partner doesn’t remember something that is so vivid to them.

Men and Women also often have different communication styles which can complicate a
relationship. Men tend to be more introspective about their problems and choose to deal
with them internally and without discussing them with their partner. When they do
decide to discuss a problem it’s usually after much thought and careful consideration.
Women on the other hand enjoy conversing about their problems with their partner and
believe that doing so helps them to understand their problem better and come to a
solution more easily. Women often use communication as a method for reaching a
conclusion. They view the discussion as a way to figure out a solution. The he said/she
said aspects of communications must be understood to avoid frustration and
disappointment in a relationship.

Men and women have different styles when it comes to problem solving, sensitivity,
memory and communication in a relationship. Careful observance and understanding of
these differences is necessary for a relationship to flourish. Understanding these he
said/she said principals and being willing to get beyond them will help to minimize
difficulties in a relationship in regards to gender differences.


How to Demand Respect AND Get It

Respect, as it applies to people, is defined as a feeling of esteem for a person. This
feeling is generally a result of a person’s achievements. While all people deserve
respect, it is an unfortunate fact that many people do not receive the respect that they
deserve. There are several ways however that you can put yourself in a situation where
you will begin to receive the respect that you deserve.
In general the keys to demanding respect and getting it are treating others with respect,
treating yourself with respect, conveying a sense of confidence, not being afraid to
make decisions and dressing appropriately. These key factors will help you to gain the
respect you deserve.
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If you expect others to treat you with respect, one of the first steps you must take is to
begin treating others with respect if you aren’t already doing so. If you have a
disrespectful attitude towards others it will be difficult for them to feel respectful
towards you. Treating others with respect demonstrates that you are worthy of respect
yourself because it shows that you are capable of holding others in esteem. If you do
not give others their due respect, many people will see you as a person who is not
compassionate of others and not willing to understand the value of others.
Many bosses will try to demand respect by being authoritative with their subordinates.
While authority is a characteristic that commands respect, this is often taken too far and
if the boss does not recognize the employees achievements the employee will most
likely be resentful of the boss and not feel respectful towards him. On the other hand a
boss that maintains an authoritative air while also being supportive of his employees and
willing to listen to their ideas will gain the respect of his employees.

Treating yourself with respect is another key element to receiving respect from others.
Self respect is seeing yourself for your innate worth and acting accordingly by treating
yourself with esteem. It’s important to treat others with respect but by the same token
you must also treat yourself with respect. While self-deprecating humor may be your
way of coping with your perceived inadequacies this type of behavior demonstrates to
other that you do not feel you are truly worthy of their respect. In order to gain the
respect of others you must first treat yourself with respect.

Confidence also inspires a sense of respect. Being confident, without being arrogant, is a
sign that you know your abilities and past performances are worthy of respect. Knowing
that you are a highly capable person and not being afraid to let others know this is
another way to demand respect and get it. Exercise caution with using confidence to
command respect though. Over confidence may have the reverse effect and result in
you not receiving respect. Knowing your abilities and being confident in yourself will go
a long way in ensuring that you earn the respect of those around you.

Decision making is another aspect that could be a determining factor in whether or not
those around you respect you. This goes along with confidence in that if you are sure of
yourself you will not hesitate to make the right decisions in any situation. An ability to
make decisions without wavering or being unsure of yourself will inspire confidence in
those around you. While it’s important to seek advice and counsel from others, if you
are in charge of a situation the decision is ultimately yours to make. If you make valid
decisions without showing signs of doubt you will be respected for your ability to take a
stand and act on what you believe is right.

Dressing the part is also very important in earning the respect of others. While casual
clothing may be acceptable in many work places you will find that those who are in a
position of authority and command respect often dress less casually than those who are
not well respected. While your clothes are not an accurate indication of your abilities
others around you may jump to conclusions based on your appearance. While this is a
sad fact of life, it’s important to acknowledge that this does exist in society and take
care to always convey a professional appearance. Doing so will help you to earn the
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respect of your friends and colleagues as well as your employer.

Perhaps the most important factor to understand about respect is that, in most cases, it
is not given automatically by others but that it must be earned. You can earn the
respect you deserve by treating yourself and others with respect, being confident and
unafraid to make important decisions and dressing in a way that shows that you have
respect for yourself. All of these aspects will help to ensure that you are not only
demanding respect but also getting it.


How to Fight Fairly

In any relationship worth having conflict is bound to arise. The true test of the
relationship is whether or not you feel that it is worthwhile to resolve these conflicts and
if you are able to do so in a fair and objective way. Key elements to fighting fairly
include sticking to the issue at hand, being open to listening to the other person, not
involving others in the fight, not bringing up old issues and finally being willing to accept
responsibility and let it go when the fight is over.

It’s important to know what you are fighting over and to stick to that issue in the
argument. If you allow things to build up over time and then explode with many
grievances at once neither you nor the person you are fighting with will have a clear
understanding of what the issue is or why you are fighting. It is important to address
each issue as they arise to alleviate resentment and fighting that does not have a clear
focus. Sticking to one specific issue in a fight is the fair way to fight and it’s also the
most successful way to fight. If both parties involved have a clear understanding of why
they are fighting you are much more likely to reach a mutually amicable resolution.

Listening is a very important component of fighting fairly. It is imperative to allow the
other person to offer their side of the argument. Fighting without listening will not be
effective because it does not allow you to be open to the other person’s opinions and
justifications. The other person may have a very valid reason for their actions but if you
are only interested in what you have to say and are unwilling to listen you will not hear
their point of view. Another aspect of listening is to really understand what the other
person is saying. It’s very easy to not hear the intent of a person’s message. In a fight
you want to actively clarify the other person’s statements and give them the opportunity
to affirm or negate your interpretation of their argument. Listening attentively and
understanding the other person’s argument is a very effective and fair way to fight.

Bringing others into a fight is not a fair way to fight. It is important that the fight take
place between those directly involved and that neither party elicits the help of friends or
family members to validate their position. It doesn’t matter how many other people
agree with you, that does not necessarily make you right, so don’t involve others in your
fight. This is not only not fair to your partner but it is also not fair to those who are
dragged into the argument. While you may have many people who agree with you and
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believe you are right, bringing them into the fight just isn’t fair and also isn’t effective.

In a fair fight it is also important to not bring up old issues. A fair fight will remain
focused and bringing up the past distracts from the current issues and also sends the
message that the past has not been forgotten. If you partner feels that you are bringing
up old issues, he may begin to feel as if the current fight is not worth fighting because it
will not be forgotten. If you convey the message that you are not willing to forgive and
forget you are not fighting fairly because your partner will feel as though the argument
is no longer worthwhile. Also, bringing up old issues is not fair because they are not
relevant to the current fight. A fair fight is clearly focused on a current conflict without
dredging up old issues.

Another key tactic for fighting fairly is to be willing to accept responsibilities for your
own actions and be willing to reach a resolution and move on from the argument. Those
who fight fairly are prepared to concede the fact that they may lose the argument.
Losing the argument means either that you admit that you were solely to blame in the
situation or that you are unable to convince the other person of your argument. What is
important in a fair fight is not who is right or who is wrong but that the couple is able to
reach an amicable agreement and that they are both able to progress and leave the
fight in the past.

Fighting fairly is crucial in a healthy relationship. Disagreements are natural and
resolving them in a fair way is imperative to a thriving relationship. Not fighting fairly is
indicative of a relationship that is not healthy. A fair fight however incorporates the key
elements of focus, listening and resolution without involving third parties in the fight. A
fair fight is also left in the past after resolution. Fair fighting leads to resolution in most
cases.


How to Forgive AND Forget

We have heard the saying many times that, “It’s easier to forgive than to forget,” but
the truth is that unless you are capable of forgetting you never really forgive.
Forgiveness is the act of excusing someone for their offense but unless you are also
willing to forget their transgression you aren’t truly forgiving them. Refusing to forget a
wrong action against you results in a lingering grudge between you and the other
person. Although you may have told them that you have forgiven them, the memory of
their actions remains with you and creates a prejudice towards them that results in a
lack of trust in the future. True forgiveness involves both forgiving and forgetting and
this can be achieved by understanding your own feelings as well as those of the person
who wronged you, expressing your feelings in a rational matter, realizing that your
relationship is more important than being right and finally accepting your partner’s
apology.

You may have been wronged in a situation and your feelings of anger may be
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completely justified but it’s important to truly understand your feelings in order to
forgive and forget. It is imperative that you realize that the actions of the other person
may have hurt you or made you angry but that reacting in a hostile manner as a result
of these feelings is not beneficial to your relationship. While your feelings of hurt of
anger may be justified, taking the time to work through these emotions before offering
forgiveness will help you to forget your partner’s words or actions. If you rush to offer
forgiveness before you have had the opportunity to vent your own frustrations it will be
difficult for you to forget your partner’s wrongdoing.
You also need to understand the feelings of the person who offended you. It is also
important to speak to your partner about why they committed the offense against you.
It is not fair to them to make assumptions about why they acted the way they did.
Giving them the chance to express their side of the situation will give you a better
understand of why they acted the way they did. You may learn that everything was a
misunderstanding or that you were not hurt intentionally. Allowing the other person a
chance to offer their take on the situation will enable you to see their motives.
Understanding your own emotions as well as your partner’s will help you to really forgive
and forget.

Dealing with your own emotions in a calm and rational manner is also crucial to
forgiving and forgetting. Your partner may be wrong and you may be completely
justified in your feelings of anger but it’s important that you not act strictly on emotion
in this situation. Acting and speaking out of anger can elevate the tension in the
situation and deter the forgiveness process. Give yourself a little time to manage your
own feelings and collect your thoughts so that when you approach your partner you are
able to speak about your feelings in a rational manner. It’s best to wait until both you
and your partner are ready to speak about the conflict in a calm and rational manner. If
you are truly interested in forgiving and forgetting when you have been wronged, wait
until both parties have calmed down to ensure that neither one speaks out of anger and
destroys the chance for true forgiveness.

A crucial aspect of forgiving and forgetting is valuing your relationship more than you
value being right in an argument. While you may be completely right in a situation,
being right is not worth destroying the relationship over. If you are able to put your love
for your partner ahead of the vindication of being right you will be more willing to
forgive and forget. Also, forgiving and forgetting will allow your relationship to continue
to flourish because working through conflicts makes a relationship stronger.

Finally you can never really forgive and forget unless you are truly willing to accept your
partner’s apology. Harboring feelings that the apology isn’t genuine will damage the
relationship because you will never forget their offending action. Listen sincerely to your
partner’s apology and have faith in them that there apology is heartfelt and genuine.
Then let them know that you accept their apology and are willing to not let this situation
interfere with your future interactions.


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True forgiveness involves not only excusing the transgression but also effectively
forgetting it as well. You can not truly forgive someone if you don’t also agree to forget
the offense. Refusing to forget indicates a lack of trust in your partner to not repeat the
offense. While deciding to forgive and forget is a personal matter a few suggestions for
doing so are to understand your feelings as well as the feelings of your partner, taking
the time to rationalize your emotions before you act on them, valuing your relationship
enough to truly forgive and accepting your partner’s apology with an open heart.


10 Ways to Reawaken Passion

If your relationship is starting to lose its passion you may need to make a conscious
effort to re-ignite the spark in your relationship and reawaken the passion. Sometimes it
may take elaborate plans and gestures to reawaken the passion in your relationship and
sometimes it may just be small seemingly insignificant things that can help you to
reawaken the passion in your relationship.

Planning a romantic weekend getaway can be one way to reawaken passion. A trip to a
spa or a romantic destination can help to put the passion back in your relationship. This
type of trip gives a couple the opportunity to step away from their everyday lives and
spend some time focusing on romance.

Treating your partner with respect can also be a simple way to reawaken passion.
Sometimes people get in the habit of taking their partner for granted while they
continue to treat complete strangers and casual acquaintances with respect. People tend
to work harder on casual relationship than they do on their romantic relationship
because they take their partner for granted. Making an effort to impress your partner,
however, can help to revive the passion.

Doing something new and adventurous can also help to reawaken the passion in your
relationship. Try an activity that you have never done before such as skydiving or water
skiing. Participating in an adventurous sport can make you feel more alive and this will
transcend into your relationship and reawaken the passion.

Holding hands is another way to reawaken the passion in your relationship. This simple
act draws you and your partner closer together. Most couples hold hands all the time
early in their relationship but as time goes by they begin to do so less and less often.
Grabbing your partners hand and holding on while you run errands can make your
partner feel desired again and this will help put the passion back in your relationship.

Another way to reawaken the passion in your relationship is to plan date nights. Spend
some time getting dressed up and plan a night out on the town. Putting this level of
effort into a dinner date makes it feel much more special and romantic plus it gives you
a chance to let your partner know that you are still interested in spending time with
them. No mater how busy your week is, plan to have at least one night a week where
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the two of your connect in a special way. Even if it’s just some quiet time at home after
the kids go to bed or even a family game night with the kids, it will give you time to
bond.

Taking care in your own appearance is still another way to reawaken the passion in your
relationship. If you feel good about yourself, you will be more appealing to your partner.
Spend a few extra minutes getting ready to go out and really pamper yourself. This will
give you a confidence boost that can help bring the passion back to your relationship.

Complimenting your partner can also help to reawaken passion. Noticing when your
partner puts extra effort into their appearance lets them know that you still find them
desirable and attractive. Even complimenting them when they aren’t all dressed up, lets
them know that you love them for who they are and not just their appearance.

Even just planning trips that you would like to take in the future can reawaken passion.
Spend an afternoon thinking of trips you would like to take together and make a list of
all the places you want to go and all the things you want to do. This type of
daydreaming draws a couple closer together and can revive passion.

Spending some quiet time together daily can be another way to reawaken passion. Plan
on having at least a few minutes alone with your partner each day to help put the spark
back into your relationship. Taking time to reconnect daily can help keep the passion in
your relationship.

Taking a bath together can also help to reawaken passion in a relationship. This is a
very sensual activity that makes you both feel pampered and gives you the opportunity
to reconnect on a physical level. Beyond that it can also give you a chance to relax and
unwind after a hard day of work and sometimes it’s the stresses of everyday life that are
putting a damper on passion.

If your relationship is starting to lose its passion it doesn’t mean the relationship is over.
All of these examples are simple ways that a couple can reawaken the passion in their
relationship. As long as the love still exists, it is possible to bring back the passion.


10 Secrets to a Happy Marriage

Having a happy marriage doesn’t necessarily come easily just because you love each
other. While love is very important in a marriage sometimes it just isn’t enough and you
have to work at your marriage just like any other relationship. Open communication and
careful consideration of each others feelings are two of the emotional aspects that are
key to a happy marriage. Even more mundane details such a household responsibilities
and financial understanding can factor into the state of the marriage. It is imperative to
understand that a marriage is a multi-faceted relationship that needs to be nurtured in
all of its capacities in order to be successful.
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Being willing to make sacrifices is one secret to a happy marriage. Both partners in the
marriage must be prepared to put their partner’s happiness ahead of their own from
time to time for the marriage to truly work. If either partner is completely self centered
and unwilling to make sacrifices it will create resentment in the marriage. At times the
sacrifices may be big but most often it’s the smaller things that matter most. Even
preparing a dish that you don’t like but that you know your spouse likes lets your
partner know that you care and are willing to put their happiness first at times.

While making sacrifices is important in a happy marriage, it is also important to
sometimes do things that are just for you. It’s great to have a lot of common interests
but it’s also essential to have some things that you enjoy doing on your own. Having
some separate activities gives you a little time away from your partner once in awhile
and gives you a chance realize how much you miss them when you are apart. It also
gives you an opportunity to explore things on your own and prevents boredom in the
relationship.

Another secret to a happy marriage is to maintain an intimate and affectionate
relationship. Sharing physical closeness will keep your marriage happy. Even small
gestures such as hugs or holding hands give you the opportunity to reconnect with your
spouse on a daily basis.

Finances can cause a great deal of stress in a marriage so it is important to do your best
to ensure that you do not allow your financial situation to destroy your marriage. When
financial concerns arise it is important to discuss the problems so that both partners are
aware of what is going on and to work on establishing a budget together. Working
together on this issue will make sure that neither partner feels left out of the decision
making process and neither partner bears the stress of worrying about finances on their
own.

Sharing household responsibilities is another secret to a happy marriage. If either
partner feels as though they are taking on too much responsibility in the household it
can lead to resentment. Not only does sharing these responsibilities prevent resentment
but it also gives the couple an opportunity to work as a team which strengthens their
bond. Both partners need to take an active role in completing household chores and let
their partner know if they are beginning to feel overburdened.

Open and honest communication is also necessary for a happy marriage. Without
communication the relationship will continually struggle. It’s important to be honest with
your partner and share your concern and to listen to what your partner has to say and
make an effort to understand their point of view. Communicating about problems and
concerns is important but it’s also important to communicate about your aspirations and
even your daily lives. All of these types of communication bring a couple closer together
and foster a happy marriage.

Along the lines of open communication, it’s also important that you let your partner
know if they have said or done some thing to hurt you. Failure to do so will allow the
problem to continue to cause problems in the marriage. If you bottle up your feelings
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your partner will be unaware of what they have done to hurt you and may be likely to
repeat their actions. You also may begin to avoid your partner because you are angry
and you don’t want to start a confrontation. Your partner in turn may sense you
behaving differently and be annoyed by your behavior. Simply coming out and telling
your partner why you are upset can help you avoid this unnecessary host of problems.

Understanding that you and your partner won’t always be in complete agreement is also
critical to a happy marriage. While you may agree on a lot of things it’s unrealistic to
believe that you and your partner will be in sync at all times. Its okay to disagree
sometimes as long as you respect each other’s feelings and beliefs and do not think that
any one disagreement will be the end of the relationship.

Spontaneity is also an important part of a happy marriage. Allowing yourselves to fall
into a predictable pattern can lead to boredom but being spontaneous at times will
prevent boredom from setting in and keep the relationship interesting.

Finally, remembering why you married your spouse is one of the most important secrets
of a happy marriage. Always remembering what it is about your partner that drew you
to them will make certain that you never forget your love for your partner. It will also
ensure that they are always beautiful in your eyes. Many things may change throughout
the course of your marriage but the one thing that will always remain is the reason you
fell in love in the first place.

A happy marriage is not guaranteed no matter how much the partners love each other.
There are so many variables that can have an affect on the happiness and success of
the marriage. It is important that both partners realize that they must continuously work
on all of these aspects if they want their marriage to remain a happy and healthy
relationship.


10 Ways to Recharge Your Romance

Early in a relationship the romance factor is very high. The romance is seemingly
effortless and it seems as though the romance will never fade. You may find, however,
that over time the romance does fade and the relationship doesn’t seem as exciting as it
did in the beginning. This is natural as a couple becomes more familiar with each other
they begin to make less of an effort in the romance department. When this happens it is
time for the couple to start making a conscious effort to recharge their romance.

Recreating your first date can be one way to recharge your romance. Both partners
probably put a tremendous amount of effort into their first date and it was probably an
incredibly romantic night for both of you. Reenacting this first date by not only returning
to the sight of the first date but also putting the same effort into preparing for the date
can help to recharge your romance by reminding you of how exciting your relationship
was in the beginning.

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Leaving your work at the office is another way to recharge your romance. If you are
constantly allowing your work life to interfere with your romantic life it is time to put
your romance ahead of your career. While it is okay to talk to your partner about work
and how your day went, obsessing over work is not acceptable and can put out the fire
in your romance rather quickly.

Giving your partners flowers or small gifts for no reason can also recharge your
romance. This lets them know that you still think about them when the two of you are
apart and that your love for them is always on your mind. The gifts don’t have to be
expensive or extravagant but if they truly come from the heart they will help to recharge
your romance.

Another way to recharge your romance is to be spontaneous. Romance often fades
when a relationship becomes routine and the partners begin to take each other for
granted. Spicing things up by suggesting new activities on a whim can reintroduce the
romance in your relationship. Too much planning and debate about what to do or where
to go can put a damper on the activity or trip before it even takes place. Excessive
planning can make something seem dull while spontaneity has the opposite affect of
making the activity seem more exciting.

Spending time apart can also recharge a romance. It may sound counterproductive but
having your own activities and interests keeps you from becoming bored with your
partner. Spending time together is very important but spending time apart is equally
important because this time apart gives you the chance to grow as an individual which
can enhance your relationship.

Quality time together, just like time apart, can also help to recharge your romance. You
need alone time as a couple to reconnect and nurture your romance. A night out on the
town for just the two of your or a quiet night alone at home can be equally effective for
recharging your romance. Without this time together a couple will not have the
opportunity to express themselves to their partner in a romantic way.

Incessant arguing can destroy the romance in a relationship. If you find that you and
your partner are arguing constantly or over every little thing, it’s time to really evaluate
the relationship and figure out why you are arguing so much. Believe it or not, you may
find that this arguing is a subconscious attempt to try to recharge your romance.
Arguing invokes passion and you may be trying to bring that passion into your
relationship. If you find yourself doing this, it’s time to realize that the arguing is having
the opposite effect and that you have to stop this unhealthy pattern. Once you realize
that there are other ways to recharge a romance your arguing will subside.

Making a concerted effort to impress your partner can also recharge the romance in a
relationship. As a relationship progresses there is often a sense of familiarity and
comfort that emerges and results in the couple feeling as if they no longer need to try to
impress their partner. They may begin to let their appearance go or stop going out of
their way to please their partner. Reversing this by returning to your old ways of trying
to impress your partner can go a long way in recharging romance in a relationship.

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Taking a trip together can also have the effect of recharging your romance. While
planning a trip may be stressful most people relax and enjoy themselves once they
reach their destination. Planning a trip with your partner will give each other the
opportunity to enjoy each other’s company without the worries and hassles of everyday
life.

Turning off the computer for a few days can be a really simple way to recharge your
romance. Many couples use their computers often to check email, search the Internet or
chat with others and this time spent on the computer can really add up and begin to
take time away from your partner. Time can fly when you are computing and you may
find that you have wasted an entire night on your computer. You may find that if you
turn the computer off for a few days, you have a lot more time to spend with your
partner and the romance may naturally return to your relationship.

It is natural for romance to begin to fade if the partners begin to take each other for
granted and stop trying to impress each other. Romance doesn’t exist on its own; it
needs to be nurtured in a loving way in order to survive. Recharging your romance may
seem like a daunting task but it really isn’t. Making an effort to spend time together,
showing your partner that you care and scheduling time together and apart are all
simple ways to recharge your romance.


Weekend Romantic Adventure Ideas

Sometimes a weekend getaway is just what a couple needs to reestablish their
relationship and make a new connection. Making this weekend getaway a romantic
adventure can further enhance the benefits of the getaway. Engaging in adventurous
activity can have the affect of drawing the couple closer together. Try finding an activity
that is new to both of you and you will be able to bond while tackling new challenges
and adventures. A romantic adventure may include exploring a new location, enjoying
the outdoors or taking flight in a hot air balloon or glider. Whatever option you choose,
a romantic adventure is sure to rejuvenate your relationship.

Travel can be a romantic and adventurous way for a couple to get away for the
weekend and put some spark back into their relationship. Exploring new locations
whether they are exotic or domestic allows a couple an opportunity to learn and
discover together. If you live relatively close to another country you may have the
chance to visit another country for the weekend and learn about different cultures,
foods and people. If exploring a new country is not possible, do not be deterred.
Exploring a new city can be just as fun. There may be many cities close by that you and
your partner have either never visited or visited only briefly. Even spending a day or two
in a new city can be an enlightening adventure. If you truly immerse yourself in a
nearby city and take the opportunity to visit local restaurants and shops you are bound
to notice that although the city may be very near in proximity to your own city, it has its
own vibe about it. The culture of a city is driven by its residents so visiting a new area is
often a chance for you and your partner to enjoy a new adventure together. Travel,
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whether it is domestic or international is a wonderful opportunity for a couple to enjoy a
romantic weekend adventure.

Enjoying the outdoors is another way for a couple to share a weekend romantic
adventure. Taking a backpacking trip is an excellent way for a couple to reconnect.
While spending a few nights in isolation in the wilderness without distractions such as
televisions and restaurants a couple really has an opportunity to talk and catch up on
their relationship. All too often a couple falls into a rut of eating out and then returning
home to watch television and go to bed but a backpacking trip may be just what a
couple needs to put the spark back in their relationship. Backpacking allows a couple the
opportunity to work together to prepare their meals using simplistic equipment and to
have only each other to occupy their time is an excellent weekend romantic adventure
idea. While backpacking may be a simple activity, the adventuresome and romantic
aspects exist making this activity and excellent weekend getaway activity for a couple.

Doing something completely new to both of you such as a hot air balloon or glider ride
can also be an excellent weekend romantic adventure idea for a couple. These activities
can often be done right in your own city and give you the opportunity to view your city
from a completely different perspective. From a high elevation, you have the opportunity
to look down on your city and realize how truly small it is. While you may spend your
days running errands and scurrying from place to place, viewing your hometown from
such a high elevation gives you a new perspective on things. Additionally, these
activities can induce a sense of fear which may bring you and your partner together.
While the activity may be completely safe, the fear of the unknown can have the affect
of drawing you and your partner closer together. A hot air balloon or glider ride is one
way for a couple to enjoy a weekend romantic adventure that doesn’t have to take up
their entire weekend but will draw them closer together and will give them a new
perspective on their approach to life.

There are many weekend romantic adventure ideas that can draw a couple closer
together. The idea of this type of adventure is to find a new activity that both of you will
enjoy. The excitement of engaging in a new activity coupled with the closeness that you
gain from spending time together is the recipe for a successful weekend romantic
adventure idea.

For a full range of marriage and relationship advice, please feel free to visit our
www.make-your-relationship-last.com site.

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