Friday, July 31, 2009

Psychological and Emotional Aspects of Divorce

Psychological and Emotional Aspects of Divorce

by Kathleen O'Connell Corcoran

June 1997



A. Divorce Effects and Prevalence
B. Effects of Divorce on Children
C. Emotional Stages of Divorce
D. Typical Reactions of Children to Divorce
E. Signs of Stress in Children
Divorce Effects and Prevalence



It may be helpful to understand a little about divorce and the typical effects it has on men, women and children. The divorce rate in the United States is the highest in the world. Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. Sixty-seven percent of all second marriages end in divorce. As high as these figures are, what is also true is that the divorce rate appears to be dropping. The reasons for this change are not clear. Many people cannot afford to divorce, many people cannot afford to marry. Another reason is that "baby boomers," who account for a large proportion of our population are no longer in their 20s and 30s, the ages when divorce is most prevalent. The societal expectation is that divorced life is less satisfying than married life. Divorce is associated with an increase in depression--people experience loss of partner, hopes and dreams, and lifestyle. The financial reality of divorce is often hard to comprehend: the same resources must now support almost twice the expenses.
Fifty percent of all children are children of divorce. Twenty-eight percent of all children are born of never married parents. Divorce is expensive. Aid for Dependent Children (AFDC) resources are drained by the needs of divorced and single parent families; including the cost of collecting child support.

Here are some of the experiences of men and women in divorce.

For women:

1. Women initiate divorce twice as often as men

2. 90% of divorced mothers have custody of their children (even if they did not receive it in court)

3. 60% of people under poverty guidelines are divorced women and children

4. Single mothers support up to four children on an average after-tax annual income of $12,200

5. 65% divorced mothers receive no child support (figure based on all children who could be eligible, including never-married parents, when fathers have custody, and parents without court orders); 75% receive court-ordered child support (and rising since inception of uniform child support guidelines, mandatory garnishment and license renewal suspension)

6. After divorce, women experience less stress and better adjustment in general than do men. The reasons for this are that (1) women are more likely to notice marital problems and to feel relief when such problems end, (2) women are more likely than men to rely on social support systems and help from others, and (3) women are more likely to experience an increase in self-esteem when they divorce and add new roles to their lives.

7. Women who work and place their children in child care experience a greater stigma than men in the same position. Men in the same position often attract support and compassion.

For men:

1. Men are usually confronted with greater emotional adjustment problems than women. The reasons for this are related to the loss of intimacy, the loss of social connection, reduced finances, and the common interruption of the parental role.

2. Men remarry more quickly than women.

3. As compared to "deadbeat dads," men who have shared parenting (joint legal custody), ample time with their children, and an understanding of and direct responsibility for activities and expenses of children stay involved in their children's lives and are in greater compliance with child support obligations. There is also a greater satisfaction with child support amount when negotiated in mediation. Budgets are prepared, and responsibility divided in a way that parents understand.

4. Men are initially more negative about divorce than women and devote more energy in attempting to salvage the marriage.
Effects of Divorce on Children

In the last few years, higher-quality research which has allowed the "meta-analysis" of previously published research, has shown the negative effects of divorce on children have been greatly exaggerated. In the past we read that children of divorce suffered from depression, failed in school, and got in trouble with the law. Children with depression and conduct disorders showed indications of those problems predivorce because there was parental conflict predivorce. Researchers now view conflict, rather than the divorce or residential schedule, as the single most critical determining factor in children's post-divorce adjustment. The children who succeed after divorce, have parents who can communicate effectively and work together as parents.

Actually, children's psychological reactions to their parents' divorce vary in degree dependent on three factors: (1) the quality of their relationship with each of their parents before the separation, (2) the intensity and duration of the parental conflict, and (3) the parents' ability to focus on the needs of children in their divorce.

Older studies showed boys had greater social and academic adjustment problems than girls. New evidence indicates that when children have a hard time, boys and girls suffer equally; they just differ in how they suffer. Boys are more externally symptomatic than girls, they act out their anger, frustration and hurt. They may get into trouble in school, fight more with peers and parents. Girls tend to internalize their distress. They may become depressed, develop headaches or stomach aches, and have changes in their eating and sleeping patterns.

A drop in parents' income often caused by the same income now supporting two households directly affects children over time in terms of proper nutrition, involvement in extracurricular activities, clothing (no more designer jeans and fancy shoes), and school choices. Sometimes a parent who had stayed home with the children is forced into the workplace and the children experience an increase in time in child care.

A child's continued involvement with both of his or her parents allows for realistic and better balanced future relationships. Children learn how to be in relationship by their relationship with their parents. If they are secure in their relationship with their parents, chances are they will adapt well to various time-sharing schedules and experience security and fulfillment in their intimate relationships in adulthood. In the typical situation where mothers have custody of the children, fathers who are involved in their children's lives are also the fathers whose child support is paid and who contribute to extraordinary expenses for a child: things like soccer, music lessons, the prom dress, or a special class trip. One important factor which contributes to the quality and quantity of the involvement of a father in a child's life is mother's attitude toward the child's relationship with father. When fathers leave the marriage and withdraw from their parenting role as well, they report conflicts with the mother as the major reason.

The impact of father or mother loss is not likely to be diminished by the introduction of stepparents. No one can replace Mom or Dad. And no one can take away the pain that a child feels when a parent decides to withdraw from their lives. Before embarking on a new family, encourage clients to do some reading on the common myths of step families. Often parents assume that after the remarriage "we will all live as one big happy family." Step family relationships need to be negotiated, expectations need to be expressed, roles need to be defined, realistic goals need to be set.

Most teenagers (and their parents) eventually adjust to divorce and regard it as having been a constructive action, but one-third do not. In those instances, the turbulence of the divorce phase (how adversarial a battle it is), has been shown to play a crucial role in creating unhealthy reactions in affected teenagers.

Joan Kelly, PhD, former president of the Academy of Family Mediators and prominent divorce researcher from California reports that, depending on the strength of the parent-child bond at the time of divorce, the parent-child relationship diminishes over time for children who see their fathers less than 35% of the time. Court-ordered "standard visitation" patterns typically provide less.

# Days
Every other weekend 48
4 weeks in summer 28
½ spring break 3
½ winter break 7
½ holidays 4
Total 90 days = 25%
Add 1 day per week 44
Total 134 days = 35%

Divorce also has some positive effects for children. Single parents are often closer to their children than married parents were. This is can also be negative as when a child takes on too much responsibility because one or both parents are not functioning well as a parent, or when a parent talks to a child about how hurt they are by the other parent, or how horrible that other parent is. Often a separated parent will make an effort to spend quality time with the children and pay attention to their desires (Disneyland, small gifts, phone calls, etc). And you can imagine that some children might find some benefit in celebrating two Christmases and birthdays each year. If both parents remarry, they may have twice as many supportive adults/nurturers. At the very least, when parents can control their conflict, the children can experience freedom from daily household tension between parents.
Emotional Stages of Divorce

The decision to end a relationship can be traumatic, chaotic, and filled with contradictory emotions. There are also specific feelings, attitudes, and dynamics associated with whether one is in the role of the initiator or the receiver of the decision to breakup. For example, it is not unusual for the initiator to experience fear, relief, distance, impatience, resentment, doubt, and guilt. Likewise, when a party has not initiated the divorce, they may feel shock, betrayal, loss of control, victimization, decreased self esteem, insecurity, anger, a desire to "get even," and wishes to reconcile.
To normalize clients experiences during this time, it may be helpful to know that typical emotional stages have been identified with ending a relationship. It may also be helpful to understand that marriages do not breakdown overnight; the breakup is not the result of one incident; nor is the breakup the entire fault of one party. The emotional breaking up process typically extends over several years and is confounded by each party being at different stages in the emotional process while in the same stage of the physical (or legal) process.

It is also quite normal to do different things to try to create distance from the former partner while divorcing. Unfortunately, this distancing often takes the form of fault finding. Not to be disrespectful, but it's not unlike the process one goes through in deciding to buy a new car: somehow every flaw in that favorite old car needs to be noticed and exaggerated in order to feel okay about selling it. Also, if the other person is portrayed as really awful, one can escape any responsibility for the end of the marriage. A common response to divorce is to seek vengeance. When parties put their focus on getting even, there is an equal amount of energy expended on being blameless. What's true is that blaming and fault finding are not necessary or really helpful. Psychologist Jeffrey Kottler has written a very helpful book on this subject entitled Beyond Blame: A New Way of Resolving Conflicts in Relationships, published by Jossey-Bass.

Another normal rationalization is that the marriage was a wholly unpleasant experience and escaping it is good. Or the marriage was unpleasant and now the other partner must make this up in the divorce. Thinking that the marriage was wholly unpleasant is unfair to both parties and can hinder emotional healing. Both stayed in the marriage for as long as they did because there were some good things about it. There were also some things that did not work for them and these are why they are divorcing.

Much of your clients' healing will involve acceptance, focusing on the future, taking responsibility for their own actions (now and during the marriage), and acting with integrity. Focusing on the future they would like to create may require an acknowledgment of each other's differing emotional stages and a compassionate willingness to work together to balance the emotional comfort of both parties.

The following information on the emotional stages of ending a relationship is provided to help parties through the emotional quagmire of ending a relationship and assist in their personal healing.

I. DISILLUSIONMENT OF ONE PARTY (sometimes 1-2 years before verbalized)

A. Vague feelings of discontentment, arguments, stored resentments, breaches of trust
B. Problems are real but unacknowledged
C. Greater distance; lack of mutuality
D. Confidential, fantasy, consideration of pros and cons of divorce
E. Development of strategy for separation
F. Feelings: fear, denial, anxiety, guilt, love, anger, depression, grief

II. EXPRESSING DISSATISFACTION (8-12 months before invoking legal process)

A. Expressing discontent or ambivalence to other party
B. Marital counseling, or
C. Possible honeymoon phase (one last try)
D. Feelings: relief (that it's out in the open), tension, emotional roller coaster, guilt, anguish, doubt, grief

III. DECIDING TO DIVORCE (6-12 months before invoking legal process)

A. Creating emotional distance (i.e., disparaging the other person/situation in order to leave it)
B. Seldom reversible (because it's been considered for awhile)
C. Likely for an affair to occur
D. Other person just begins Stage I (considering divorce) and feels denial, depressed, rejected, low self-esteem, anger
E. Both parties feel victimized by the other
F. Feelings: anger, resentment, sadness, guilt, anxiety for the family, the future, impatience with other, needy

IV. ACTING ON DECISION (beginning the legal process)

A. Physical separation
B. Emotional separation (complicated by emotional flareups)
C. Creating redefinition (self orientation)
D. Going public with the decision
E. Setting the tone for the divorce process (getting legal advice and setting legal precedent: children, support, home)
F. Choosing sides and divided loyalties of friends and families
G. Usually when the children find out (they may feel responsible, behave in ways to make parents interact)
H. Feelings: traumatized, panic, fear, shame, guilt, blame, histrionics

V. GROWING ACCEPTANCE (during the legal process or after)

A. Adjustments: physical, emotional
B. Accepting that the marriage wasn't happy or fulfilling
C. Regaining a sense of power and control, creating a plan for the future, creating a new identity, discovering new talents and resources
D. This is the best time to be in mediation: parties can look forward and plan for the future; moods can be more elevated (thrill of a second chance at life)

VI. NEW BEGINNINGS (completing the legal process to four years after)

A. Parties have moved beyond the blame and anger to forgiveness, new respect, new roles
B. Experiences: insight, acceptance, integrity.Comparing Mediation and Litigation

Why is mediation a compassionate and appropriate venue for helping people in divorce? On the average, it takes family members approximately four to eight years to recover from the emotional and financial expense of a bitter adversarial divorce. In an adversarial divorce, there is no possible resolution of the emotional issues, only decreased trust and increased resentment.

A litigated divorce can cost each party $5,000 to $35,000. The focus is on assigning blame and fault and skirmishing for the most powerful position (changing locks, freezing bank accounts, getting temporary custody of the children). Communications between parties break down. Negotiations proceed through attorneys and are strategic and positioned. Attorneys have an ethical responsibility to zealously advocate for the best interest of their client. Often there is no consideration of the best interests of the children or recognition for the need for parties to have an ongoing relationship because they have children, friends, extended family, and community together. Going to court is an expensive risk; someone who does not know you makes decisions for you that will affect your whole life.

Mediators may save clients thousands of dollars in immediate and future legal and counseling fees. Mediators can focus parties on creating their best possible future and help parties resolve their emotional issues for the best interests of their children and their own psychological well being. Mediators can help parties feel understood, accept responsibility for the failure of the marriage and, when there are children, begin to reshape their relationship from one of partners to coparents. Mediators can empower clients by helping them be at their best (rather than their worst) during a challenging time in their lives, enable them to have an active role in their separating (creative choice vs. court imposition), create a clear and understandable road map for the future, make informed decisions, and to look back at their behavior in the mediation of their divorce with integrity and self respect.
Typical Reactions of Children to Divorce

Much of children's post-divorce adjustment is dependent on (1) the quality of their relationship with each parent before the divorce, (2) the intensity and duration of the parental conflict, and (3) the parents' ability to focus on the needs of the children in the divorce. Typically, children whose parents are going through a rough divorce engage in behaviors which are designed to help them feel secure. What follows are some typical experiences of children to divorce and separation:

A. DENIAL

This especially occurs in young children and surfaces as story telling (Mommy and Daddy and me going to Disneyland; we're moving into a duplex and Daddy will live next door; they will also have reconciliation fantasies).

B. ABANDONMENT

When parents separate, children worry who will take care of them. They are afraid they too are divorceable and will be abandoned by one or both of their parents. This problem is worsened by one or both parents taking the children into their confidence, talking about the other parent in front of the children, using language like "Daddy is divorcing us," being late for pick-up, or abducting the children. Children who are feeling insecure will say things to a parent which is intended to evoke a mama bear/papa bear response (a demonstration of protectiveness). If children do not have "permission" to have a good relationship with the other parent, or if they think they need to "take care of" one of their parents in the divorce, they are likely to end up having feelings of divided loyalties between their parents or, in the extreme, they may become triangulated with one parent against the other parent.

C. PREOCCUPATION WITH INFORMATION

Children will want details of what is happening and how it affects them. Communication from the parents needs to be unified and age appropriate.

D. ANGER AND HOSTILITY

Children may express anger and hostility with peers, siblings, or parents. School performance may be impaired. Hostility of children toward parents is often directed at the parent perceived to be at fault. Hostility turned inward looks like depression in children.

E. DEPRESSION

Lethargy, sleep and eating disturbances, acting out, social withdrawal, physical injury (more common in adolescents).

F. IMMATURITY/HYPERMATURITY

Children may regress to an earlier developmental stage when they felt assured of both parents' love. They may do some "baby-talk" or wet their beds. Children may become "parentified" by what they perceive to be the emotional and physical needs of their parents ("Someone needs to be in charge here.")

G. PREOCCUPATION WITH RECONCILIATION

The more conflict there is between the parents, the longer children hold onto the notion of their parents' reconciliation. It is clear that the parents are not "getting on" with their lives. Children will often act out in ways which force their parents to interact (negatively or positively). Children whose parents were very conflictual during the marriage often mistake the strong emotions of conflict with intimacy. They see the parents as engaged in an intimate relationship.

H. BLAME AND GUILT

Because so much marital conflict may be related to the stress of parenting, children often feel responsible for their parents' divorce--they feel that somehow their behavior contributed to it. This is especially true when parents fight during exchanges of the children or in negotiating schedules: children see that parents are fighting over them. They may try to bargain their parents back together by promises of good behavior; they may have difficulty with transitions or refuse to go with the other parent.

I. ACTING OUT

Children will often act out their own and their parents' anger. In an attempt to survive in a hostile environment, children will often take the side of the parent they are presently with. This may manifest in refusals to talk to the other parent on the phone or reluctance to share time with the other parent. Adolescents will typically act out in ways similar to how the parents are acting out.

In summary, expect that children will test a parent's loyalty, experience loyalty binds, not want to hurt either parent, force parents to interact because they don't want the divorce, try to exert some power in the situation, express anger over the divorce, occasionally refuse to go with the other parent (normal divorce stress, loyalty conflict/triangulation, or they may simply not want to stop doing what they're doing at the moment--similar to the reaction we've all gotten when we pick our children up from child care, or we want to go home from the park).

The most common problem which arise tend to stem from triangulation, divided loyalties, and projection. Some indicators of each are:

a. Triangulation: Child refuses to have time with the other parent or talk to the other parent on the phone, child badmouths the other parent.

b. Divided loyalties: When a child tells each parent different and opposing things about what they want it is a good indication that the child is trying to please both parents and is experiencing divided loyalties.

c. Projection: Children are barometers of a parent's emotional well-being. Usually a parent reporting the stress of a child can not see that the child is acting on the parent's anxiety. Parents should ask themselves how they are feeling about the divorce, the other parent, and the time sharing arrangements before assuming the child is having difficulty adjusting or assuming the problem is with the other household.
Signs of Stress in Children

Sometimes parents need help identifying stress in children, especially little ones. What follows are some typical experiences and signs of stress in children of different ages.

I. INFANTS AND TODDLERS:

A. Regression in terms of sleeping, toilet training or eating; slowing down in the mastery of new skills
B. Sleep disturbances (difficulty gong to sleep; frequent waking)
C. Difficulty leaving parent; clinginess
D. General crankiness, temper tantrums, crying.

II. THREE TO FIVE YEARS:

A. Regression: returning to security blankets and discarded toys, lapses in toilet training, thumb sucking
B. Immature grasp of what has happened; bewildered; making up fantasy stories
C. Blaming themselves and feeling guilty
D. Bedtime anxiety; fitful/fretful sleep; frequent waking
E. Fear of being abandoned by both parents; clinginess
F. Greater irritability, aggression, temper tantrums.

III. SIX TO EIGHT YEARS:

A. Pervasive sadness; feeling abandoned and rejected
B. Crying and sobbing
C. Afraid of their worst fears coming true
D. Reconciliation fantasies
E. Loyalty conflicts; feeling physically torn apart
F. Problems with impulse control; disorganized behavior.

IV. NINE TO TWELVE YEARS:

A. Able to see family disruption clearly; try to bring order to situation
B. Fear of loneliness
C. Intense anger at the parent they blame for causing the divorce
D. Physical complaints; headaches and stomach aches
E. May become overactive to avoid thinking about the divorce
F. Feel ashamed of what's happening in their family; feel they are different from other children.

V. ADOLESCENTS:

A. Fear of being isolated and lonely
B. Experience parents as leaving them; feel parents are not available to them
C. Feel hurried to achieve independence
D. Feel in competition with parents
E. Worry about their own future loves and marriage; preoccupied with the survival of relationships
F. Discomfort with a parent's dating and sexuality
G. Chronic fatigue; difficulty concentrating
H. Mourn the loss of the family of their childhood.

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Thursday, July 30, 2009

Therapy can keep it real when the honeymoon is over

Build a better marriage
Therapy can keep it real when the honeymoon is over

By MARILYN LINTON



Seems like your car and your teeth aren't the only things worthy of regular check-ups.

Marriage therapists are suggesting that couples take the pulse of their marriages on a regular basis: "Marriage is the most precious of relationships," says family therapist Diane Marshall. "Many couples I see are not coming because of any crisis."

Marriage therapy can help people to look at the strengths they have and to remind them of the values they share, says Marshall, director of the Institute of Family Living in Toronto (www.ifl.on.ca).

"There is a public perception that couples' counseling is only for people whose marriages are on the rocks.

"But now people come for various reasons: It may be related to a life transition such as the kids leaving home, or the illness of one of the partners, or the stress of the economy, even a change in their marital vision. I've had couples who said that their main vision was to create a home. Then, at midlife, when they realize they've accomplished that, they come to talk about where they want to go from there."

Just ask actors John Travolta and Courteney Cox about therapy.

Travolta has admitted that his 14 year-old union with Kelly Preston has been helped by professional counseling. Travolta said that checking in with a counselor every six months was a way to update their needs and learn how to handle issues themselves.

Courteney Cox, star of Dirt, recently told a British paper that when she and hubby David Arquette go through tough times, they simply seek marriage therapy.

Couples have not thought of therapy as a resource, says the University of Ottawa's Dr. Sue Johnson, an internationally-recognized couples expert, and developer of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (www.eft.ca).

"But it's important to encourage couples to think actively and intentionally about their relationships. A love relationship is something that they should deliberately try to shape."

Johnson says that research now confirms classic signs that a marriage is in trouble: "When a marriage is stuck, people go in circular patterns, terrible spirals. They don't know how to keep and nurture a sense of emotional connection with each other."

This circular pattern in couples who are distressed, she adds, "is as common as the common cold."

Couples get hooked into the content of an argument - they dance "the protest polka," she explains: "They think it's about how often they have sex, or how they spend money, but it's really in the way they talk to each other. They don't feel safe and connected or have that sense of trust and safety they had when they fell in love."

In her new book Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, Johnson says that there is now a valid science of love and bonding: "We need to get past the baloney that each person is an island," she believes. "Couples have to be co-dependent in a very positive way. It's a positive dependency that makes both partners stronger."

Johnson's focus in therapy is to create what she calls "pivotal" conversations where trust deepens, and where couples can talk about their fears, help each other with their vulnerabilities, and give each other clear signals about what they need from each other emotionally.

Trained marriage therapists can also teach "couples' dialogue," says Diane Marshall, who is a member of the Ontario Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (to find a therapist, see www.oamft.on.ca, which also links to registered therapists across Canada): "We can coach them to learn how to listen deeply and to validate their partner's feelings.

"As therapists we are entering into a couple's life journey to help facilitate their own strengths. We may help them develop new skills or deepen skills they already have. We work together during a crisis, during a transition, or during a time of reevaluation."

You can do your own marriage check-up once you know what to look for and what you need to keep your union strong, adds Sue Johnson. "Yes, you can create the love you want."

MARRIAGE CHECK-UP 101

In Dr. Sue Johnson's new book, Hold Me Tight, she asks readers to check out their relationship in three areas - accessibility, responsiveness, and emotional engagement. Circle true or false for each question. If you score seven or more "true" answers, you are well on your way to a secure bond in your marriage.

Accessibility:

1. I can get my partner's attention easily. T or F?

2. My partner is easy to connect with emotionally. T or F?

3. My partner shows me that I come first with him/her. T or F?

4. I am not feeling lonely or shut out in this relationship. T or F?

5. I can share my deepest feelings with my partner. T or F?

Responsiveness:

1. If I need connection and comfort, he/she will be there for me. T or F?

2. My partner responds to signals that I need him/her to come close. T or F?

3. I find I can lean on my partner when I am anxious or unsure. T or F?

4. Even when we fight or disagree, I know that I am important to him/her and we will find a way to come together. T or F?

5. If I need reassurance about how important I am to my partner, I can get it. T or F?

Emotional engagement:

1. I feel very comfortable being close to, trusting my partner. T or F?

2. I can confide in my partner about almost anything. T or F?

3. I feel confident, even when we are apart, that we are connected to each other. T or F?

4. I know that my partner cares about my joys, hurts and fears. T or F?

5. I feel safe enough to take emotional risks with my partner. T or F?

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Wednesday, July 29, 2009

The Secret Ingredient for a Better Marriage

The Secret Ingredient for a Better Marriage


Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Corey Allan of Simple Marriage.

As you progress through a marriage, or any committed relationship, routine is bound to dictate a lot of what happens. As the glitz and glamour of romance subside, daily schedules, obligations, kids, and chores take over.

Routine becomes such a factor in life that I’d be willing to bet you could accurately predict your spouse’s schedule of interaction with you throughout the week. And they could do the same with you.

Life is often lived predictably because when you get right down to it, you’d rather live life in your comfort zone than step out into the uncertainty of true life and relationship design. Change is scary. I get it. But change should not be debilitating. It pains me to say this, but many people will choose unhappiness over uncertainty.

If you’d like to break out of the routine and change a few things in your relationship, it’s easier than you think. Here’s the secret ingredient: a touch of spice.

Start small. Break a few of the patterns and see what happens. I think you’ll be surprised at the results.
Change up the seating chart at meal times. If your family has sit down meals together, there is probably assigned seating that has evolved over the years. Dad sits here, mom there, and so on. Try sitting in a different seat.
Give up your chair in the living room. This same seating principle applies to TV watching furniture. I have a recliner that is assumed by my family to be mine. Give it up and sit on the couch or some other chair for a while.
Sleep on the other side of the bed. Same principle, perhaps a bit more closely guarded however. Try it. See what happens.
Assume different household responsibilities. You may be the one who takes out the trash, does the dishes, or laundry, puts toys away, or maybe all of the above. Try doing something you typically don’t do during the week. Mow the yard. Make the bed. Whatever. Just do something your spouse would usually take care of.
Ask your spouse out on a date. Actually call them up. Ask them out. Dress for a date. Show up at the front door. Bring flowers. Hold the door for them. Who knows where this idea could lead.
Have a good make out session. Not every physical connection must lead to sex. Spend some time making out with your spouse. Kiss each other slowly. Enjoy each other. For added spark, try this during a movie at the theater, or outside under a tree.
Talk about your unhappiness. I’m a big advocate for honesty. Too often we expect our spouse to read our mind or sense that there’s something wrong. Speak up. Tell them what’s going on with you. A word of caution however. Tell them what you’re feeling and thinking, not what’s wrong with them. Anyone who feels attacked will respond defensively and be less open to seeking solutions.
Initiate sex. Inevitably routine will creep into your sex life. It’s his responsibility to initiate sex. Or hers. It’s brought up the same way. Starts the same. Follows the same routine. Even ends the same. If you are the one who initiates sex the least, initiate more. If you’re the other side of the equation, slow down. More than likely, you both would enjoy better quality sex rather than simply more sex.
Try eyes open sex. Sex is the one time we can be closest to another person physically while staying miles apart mentally and emotionally. If you typically keeps your eyes closed while kissing, during foreplay, and during sex, open them up. Engage your lover throughout the encounter. Look them in the eye. Let them see you. Interested in more on this idea? Go here.
Read more about experiencing more in marriage and life in Corey’s new book A Simple Marriage, available today. Or head to Simple Marriage and read more.

If you liked this article, please share it on del.icio.us or StumbleUpon. I’d appreciate it. :)

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72 brilliant comments
Wojciech @ Fiscal Fizzle April282009 at 7:58 pm
Fantastic! I’ve noticed our own family taking the same spots at dinner night after night, and actually “switched things up” a few weeks ago. It felt extremely strange at first, like I was being plucked from my natural habitat, but after a minute it was amazing what a simple change in seats does to your perspective.

Great advice here!

Eric Hamm | Motivate Thyself April282009 at 7:58 pm
The dating thing is so common when it comes to marriages. It’s so easy for the guy to lose the desire to go out on dates, yet it’s so very important as you’ve pointed out.

Thanks for this great advice! So, so important for couples! :-) Eric

Dan Miranda April282009 at 7:58 pm
Marriage is very important, but I don’t think I’m going to need this tip any time soon. (Though I’m sure I’ll be referring to it in ten years ;)

Free Women's Fitness April282009 at 7:58 pm
Great article! All true. I really hope my partner is reading this!

Addie

Baker @ ManVsDebt April282009 at 7:59 pm
Assuming different household abilities has been crucial for happiness in our young marriage. When my daughter was born I sold my real estate business to stay home with her for the first 8 months of her life, while my wife went back to school as a teacher.

While it was certainly a traditional role reversal, it was one of the best decisions we ever made. Stepping outside you comfort zone in this area can really work wonders!

Fantastic post!

The Daily Minder April282009 at 7:59 pm
Dan. LOL. Shouldn’t you be at school? I am surprised by the hours you “work”.

TDM

Lisis | Quest For Balance April282009 at 8:01 pm
You are so right; it really doesn’t take much to make things feel a little different and a whole lot better. I once saw a show in which the marriage counselor told the couple to kiss for one minute every single day. This one small addition to their day made them feel so much closer and more intimately connected.

Who knew the power of a simple kiss? ;-)

Vered - MomGrind April282009 at 8:02 pm
We once tried sleeping on the other side of the bed. Couldn’t do it. We’re so boring. :(

Bamboo Forest - PunIntended April282009 at 8:03 pm
I like this idea of mixing things up. I’m not married - but it sounds reasonable and effective.

Jake | Revive Your Life April282009 at 8:08 pm
Hi Corey,

You present some really great tips here. Sustaining a marriage can been difficult, especially when the stresses of everyday life begin to add up.

In general, I think it helps to resort back to the things that you did as a couple when the relationship was just starting out. Usually, that means acting like a gentlemen again and becoming a great listener. Break out of the rut and mix it up a bit…you might just surprise your spouse and yourself!

Thanks again for the great ideas.

Greg at Live Fit April282009 at 8:19 pm
Be passionate. I don’t mean the nervous, afraid to lose them passion, but the enduring, always there for you “romantic love.”

My wife is the love of my life. Each morning before I leave I kiss her. The first thing I do when I get home is kiss her as well. When we talk on the phone, we always end each conversation with “I love you.”

Romeo, I am not. But I hope each and every day my wife knows that she’s loved. Even when we argue.

Ross April282009 at 8:33 pm
All great points. I think point 7 about openness and understanding each other is overlooked but easier to achieve than most people think.

Just talking to your partner, straight up, about what makes him/her happy and then telling them what makes you happy - so easy, but so important!

Great post
Ross

Bryant April282009 at 8:34 pm
Being youthful and naive is beautiful–eventually experience will teach you the way of the world…
have a good lawyer and trust but verify—
when it comes to emotion only a fool will follow without due dillegence

Adam Steer - Better's Better April282009 at 8:52 pm
All great ideas! My wife and I have been together for 19 years (more than half of my life). There is no way you can live in perfect harmony with someone for that long. Each of you must diverge and converge periodically in your growth process. There is one piece of advice that has always stuck with me and made the periods of divergence lead seamlessly back to convergence:

Love is a verb, not a noun.

Love the one you’re with…

Cheers,
Adam

Jennifer Izzo April282009 at 8:58 pm
You forgot to add…don’t let your mother-in-law move in with you!

Marc and Angel Hack Life April282009 at 9:02 pm
We always mix things up. ;-)

Great advice Corey!

Liz April282009 at 9:06 pm
Sleep on the other side of the bed? It has taken my husband and I aobut 20 years to get used to even having another person in the bed! We both walk and talk in our sleep, and will scare each other half to death in the middle of the night.

My stubborn teenage son guards his place at the table like a hawk. My hubby and I would LIKE to be able to just sit where ever we want, but we’ve been forced into a strict seating arrangement by the boys. Ditto for who sits where when we are watching a movie. Sometimes its just not worth fighting about.

Might be able to try some of these other ideas, though…
I believe there’s a fine line in marriage between keeping your own identity, but not becoming so independent that you find you don’t need your spouse.

Alison | Quest for Balance April282009 at 9:11 pm
Not that I’m a fan of dwelling on the negative, but I think that sharing your unhappiness with your spouse (#7) can make you feel closer, feel understood, and help you get through the tough times. Celebrating your happiness together is also important!

RechargeYourMind April282009 at 9:31 pm
Corey,

Good points. I really think small unexpected things can do wonders. Giving flowers once a while, bringing home her favorite dinner, giving a hug when she least expects it e.t.c

Christopher April282009 at 9:36 pm
These are all great.

My secret? Simple. Don’t take the other for granted.

Also, TALK about stuff.

Tabita April282009 at 9:41 pm
Great tips! Also, surprising your significant other with a “It’s all about you” day can be fun. Bring breakfast in bed, do their chores, let them pick the activity for the day, cook their favorite dinner, etc. They’ll never see it coming!

Joe April282009 at 9:57 pm
I really liked the idea of switching up the seating arrangements at dinner - I feel like it’s a nice, easy way to change the perspective enough to make things feel new and different.
As far as talking about unhappiness, I agree completely, but talking about the things your partner does that make you happy has an even stronger effect, as long as what you say really comes from the heart. A small, honest compliment here and there go a long way towards making your partner feel loved and appreciated!

Casual Encounters April282009 at 10:20 pm
All these ideas are trite.

You need to keep being inspired by one another. You need to keep being an interesting person, develop yourself, get new interests, don’t stay the same person you were when you met.

Encourage the same thing in your partner. When someone asks, how can you stay married to the same person for 30 years (or whatever), reply, I’m not.

Sherri (Serene Journey) April282009 at 10:42 pm
Hey Corey,

Great ideas! Gwynn and I love date night but we don’t do it as often as we’d like to (our own fault). But I really like your additional tips of calling and asking, bringing flowers etc…that’s awesome!

Some nights after the kids are in bed we like to pour a glass of red wine and just sit around and talk. We talk a lot. After a really long chat we feel really united, like it’s us against the world it’s awesome! :)

Thanks for all your other fresh ideas as well and congratulations on the release of your book that’s fantastic! :) All the best.

Corey - Simple Marriage April282009 at 11:08 pm
@Casual encounters- I completely agree with your idea. Marriage or any committed relationship is about becoming a better person. As you do that, you present a better self to your partner to choose. We don’t same the same as we go through life. Why not be better people?

Tristan Rayner | The New Man Of Action April282009 at 11:39 pm
@ Casual Encounters - I agree whole heartedly.

These suggestions here are all niceties, and you definitely should be making out more and doing different things to the same old same old. It’s no secret ingredient though, and it won’t build or further develop your relationship and the bond you have between each other.

This comes from developing as both an individual and as a couple.

Ben Johnson April292009 at 1:02 am
@Casual Encounters @Tristan Rayner -
“Start small. Break a few of the patterns and see what happens.”

To suggest these ideas are “trite” or “niceties” seems to be missing the point. Starting small is great advice for breaking habits that have developed over a long period of time. These small steps often help to overcome the fear of change, which can grow quietly in even the healthiest-looking long-term relationships.

Nobody is inspiring their entire life. Everyone gets lost every now and then. The ability to keep a relationship going through tough times is invariably going to develop you as an individual as well as strengthening your relationship with each other. Be careful not to be continually looking outside of the relationship for ways to make it better.

What if you were on a desert island?

Personal Development April292009 at 1:12 am
Heard something new here which is worth trying. I guess the intent of the post was to cover major ones and the one’s which are different. The one which are general and known by everyone makes the post stale.

Nice article. thanks for the post.

Tristan Rayner | The New Man Of Action April292009 at 1:17 am
@Ben Johnson

I find it ironic that the message I agree with comes from someone called Casual Encounters and who has a webpage which seems to explore that very option. I may have a slightly dodgy ally!

Anyway- your comment is true, and is true of anything, not just relationships. Fear of change is entirely real, and has been explored for years, as well as on this site.

Taking small steps, or chipping away at smaller tasks and avoiding looking at the often overwhelming big picture is a great way to start.

Change is to be embraced - it’s just that the ideas that start the change mentioned here are not inspiring, or secrets to a better marriage. They’re just things to try and avoid being stuck in a rut.

The problem is, to really engage again, you need to remember that once you were interesting, and that your relationship together was interesting. This might take more than sleeping on the other side of the bed for a night.

Jeff Lee April292009 at 3:30 am
Tips 5-9 are pretty good. I’m really not sure about 1-4 though.

Steve Otto | Ubervice April292009 at 8:07 am
You touched a little on this in #7 (Talk about your unhappiness) - but communication overall. My wife is the love of my life and I would do anything for her, but she doesn’t always know this unless I tell her. Without her constantly hearing me tell her, its easy for her to start to wonder. Learn your spouse’s love language. Tell them how you feel. We all need to hear it - often.

maryann April292009 at 8:19 am
Actually, I disagree with this advice. I like the comfort of routines. In my own chaotic life, where nothing ever seems to go as planned, I treasure the litttle “ruts” that we have.

Swine flu may be coming, our 401’s may have tanked, and our jobs may be on the line, but at least we can count on the same seats at the table, hubby’s dibs on the recliner, and fish on Fridays. :)

pril April292009 at 8:50 am
Finally something i’m ahead on the game! we do all of this and we are not married yet but almost 4 years together and I couldn’t agree more..
also to ad. the little things mean nothing yet they mean so much!
always so your passion either through a little note left on a pillow..

as for someone stated in your comments they like their chair as they bring up a good point however your not stating to do this forever once a month even to switch things up not only is this good for marriage it’s also good for self! makes you feel more allive if you ask me!

step out of your comfort zone at least 1 a week!

Rob April292009 at 8:55 am
I also think a big way to switch things up is to tell your spouse WHY you love them instead of just the usual, “I love you”. It tends to lose its meaning without any backing support. It doesn’t even have to be deep or profound. A simple, “I love that you like the same music I do”, or, “I love that you are giving”, or, “I love your earlobes”. Just a little more thought into the mundane “I love you” goes a LONG way!!

Dan - FFtT April292009 at 8:57 am
Communication has been the key to a better marriage for my wife and I. But it doesn’t stop there, it has also been boon for both of our self esteem and our personal happiness.

I’ll have to try out some of the ideas this week, but #3 isn’t going to happen. I don’t think either of us could even fall asleep on the “wrong” side of the bed.

Chuck April292009 at 8:59 am
Casual Encounters seems to be a link-seeking troll.

Allena April292009 at 9:24 am
Yeah, I’m sorry but these are over-advised suggestions straight out of Ladies Home Journal. I guess they’re not meant to build a marraige on, but why not go all out? Why go small? Is small really the answer with a 50% divorce rate>

I’m in a long happy marriage because we get OUT of the day to day on a regular basis. Unfortunately, what happens is that the person about whom you are passionate HAS to morph into your co-director, co-chaperone, co-cleaner, co-parent, right-hand man, blah blah YAWN. It’s such a pervasive arc that most marriages take that small things aren’t going to save any of us (I guess I’m talking about parents/households here)

I feel my loong, passionate 11 year relationship is due to the fact that we totally abdicate from all these things: diapers, carpool, etc as often as possible. We throw up are hands, park the kids at grandmas, and GET AWAY from all this mundane in order to remember that first sprak, that passion, that obsession that began it all.

GO BIG!

Cody Dream-Life-Coaching April292009 at 10:02 am
It’s ego and pride that are the real killers in any relationship, the more you can accept your spouse for who they are without need to chance them, the more successful the relationship will be and the more peace you will have.

Prinitha April292009 at 10:06 am
To Greg At LiveFit: All i can say is that ur wife is one lucky lady. And yes, this is a great post. Many comments above make mention of talking, of communicating. I wish my husband did more of it, and in a way that i didn’t feel attacked; guess i would have reacted a lot differently in the past and we would have a stronger marriage today, one where he didn’t feel he needed to turn to another for comfort.

Cherie April292009 at 10:25 am
I think one important thing was missed on the list. Give your partner some alone time to do something they want to do. Sometimes the best thing you can do for a relationship is give the other person some of their own time.

Debra April292009 at 10:28 am
For whatever reason, there is a certain amount of comfort to following a routine. My father probably dislikes change more than any one I know. I once saw him go over to the sink and actually wash a bowl (and my dad never washes dishes) because he didn’t want to eat his cereal from a different bowl!

I think it’s really good to change up the routine. It generates a certain energy. However, some habits should never change. My husband and I still kiss every day, hold hands every day, and say “I Love You”. We’ve been married for 17 years and those are 3 habits we do regularly. : )

pam at beyondjustmom April292009 at 10:50 am
I love how these simple shakeups can make a big difference. Thanks for giving us some ideas that are easy to work into real life.

Corey - Simple Marriage April292009 at 10:52 am
@Cherie- Spending time apart is a great thing to incorporate into marriage. It allows for you to follow you own passions as well as creates some energy for the times you are together. Thanks for adding to the discussion.

Heather April292009 at 11:52 am
@maryann–I find that I enjoy routine far more than my husband does. You may find that switching things up keeps up the excitement for him.

Leah April292009 at 12:08 pm
I’d just like to point out that this article is hetero-centric, and that more inclusive language could be used, both for legally married gay couples and couples who don’t yet have this privilege.

Make Money On Line April292009 at 12:32 pm
These tips are very important for marriage these tips can help so many people I’m not married yet but if I was I would use these, to help me GREAT post!

Todd @ The Personal Finance Playbook April292009 at 12:46 pm
I really like this post. My wife and I have been married for just over a year, and things are still at a point where they are really easy. We both know it won’t always be like it is now. When we hit a lull, I’ll make sure we try some of these tips. Thank you.

Debra April292009 at 1:06 pm
Discovering something new together can also be great fun even if it’s just a weekend trip or taking up a new hobby.

Evie April292009 at 1:36 pm
I just got back from a 2 week trip back to the States to visit my relatives, speak my language, and eat my food, while my honey stayed home doing his thing in Argentina, where we both live. Being separated for a couple of weeks, but in contact by telephone and email helps keep things fresh. We´re always really glad to see each other when we´re reunited…not that we´re not glad at the end of everyday :-)…it´s just that absence can make the heart remember who it’s fond of.

Lurker Smith April292009 at 1:45 pm
@ Chuck — YEP! You are right!

How disappointing….

janice April292009 at 1:50 pm
thank you for these tips. I’ve read other guest posts by you and like your style.

After 25 years with the same guy, I’m not even sure any more what it is we do to keep evolving, but we must be doing something right. It’s like playing the guitar; the right hand and the left are working together seamlessly. The odd argument highlights our unmet needs, but we have great soul searching conversations afterwards.

I think the secrets for us are the old clichés; my husband and I are best friends and we both had no expectations that being in a lifelong marriage would be like the first hours of falling in love or the first few months of being in love.

Hayden Tompkins April292009 at 1:58 pm
Yes DO take your wife out for a date! I love love love these tips.

P.S. You crack me up, Dan Miranda.

Patricia April292009 at 3:07 pm
Just great! I’ve tried them all throughout my 26 years happy marriage! I’ll add Choose yourselves everyday,Share activities,Be best friends,Do a different thing for a change,Surprise each other.Thanks for the post

Steve @ Freedom Education April292009 at 3:27 pm
Hey Corey -

Great post! I especially love your points:

#6. Have a good make out session.
#8. Initiate sex.
#9. Try eyes open sex.

I don’t mean to be poking fun either. I’ve been practicing each of these and I have found that my creative juices have literally skyrocketed in other areas of my life as well. I find it easier to journal, blog, coach and engage in creative conversations. I guess being creative in nature is more than just sex.

thanks for such a great post!

Tiffany Joiner April292009 at 3:31 pm
Great nuggets of wisdom. My little family has a routine of course but a couple of days ago I ironed my own clothes and boy did it feel weird. I try to initiate sex but as our lives continue to change my mood changes as well. Sad to say but things have to be in order before I give him the okay. I have tried not caring and being spontaneous and it has worked wonders. Of course since its spontaneous we appreciate those moments even more.

Erin Slusher April292009 at 3:36 pm
Tell your spouse how much you appreciate them. Tell them it is a joy to share your lifetime together and you would not want to go through the blessing or the hardships, or child raising with anyone else.

The love that takes you to the alter is not the same love that gets you to the golden anniversary. That love must grow deeper and richer each day. It only does that when you nurture and keep it strong.

Kim McGinnis April292009 at 4:35 pm
Corey,
Good suggestions. Marriage requires remembering why you got married in the first place - hopefully it was for the right reasons.

My husband is also my partner in business and we work at home. We work hard at not getting into a routine, and so far it’s working.

Nate @ Money Young April292009 at 5:33 pm
I think the eyes open sex would be weird, I’ll have to give it a try.

Then again I only have a gf and not a wife.

-Nate

Casual Encounters April292009 at 6:24 pm
As if a link-seeking troll would make that sort of an effort with a comment. Link-seeking trolls use mindless robot zombie slaves to do their heavy lifting.

I’m just a guy with an I-think-considered opinion on this topic who happens to work for an adult dating website/blog.

The ideas stated are trite and mutual personal development is the real key to long-term relationship Win. Not diddling with dinner seating arrangements or changing the side of the bed you sleep on. (Oh check it! The “link-seeking troll” actually READ THE ARTICLE.)

Stay awesome.

Erin Slusher April292009 at 6:25 pm
After 30 years of marriage to the same man I suggest:

Open eyed sex, hallway sex, kitchen table sex, before and after dinner. Just keep up the intimate physical contact. Never let it go so long in between that you forget whose turn it is to be tied up. Have fun together!

SOL April292009 at 6:30 pm
I love the ideas about breaking out of routine. Complacency can become a disease in a relationship. Good tips in general!!

Andrea April292009 at 6:34 pm
I’d like to add #10: Laugh together. If I had to pick one thing that’s kept my wife and I strong and happy in our marriage, it’s laughter. Even when life takes a not-so-occasional turn into “oh my god, what is it now?” territory, we find something to laugh about, and we feel better. I highly recommend it.

Julia April292009 at 7:07 pm
I agree w/Erin Slusher, you must appreciate your spouse and tell them so, also thanking them for doing things.

About the dating thing, that sounds great, just don’t go to Home Depot on the date. My husband and I are working on this. Time is not on our side sometimes and we kind of cram stuff, yes even into our date. So we are not doing this anymore. We are trying to get the sparks back, especially after 18 yrs, it can get uninspired.

With all the stuff going on in the world, I realize how lucky I am to have such a wonderful spouse, quirks and all.

Thank you for the post.

isho21 April302009 at 11:44 am
Good advice! Thanks for the post.

My wife and I regularly plan “date nights” that can be anything from going out to dinner, the movies, or a quiet night in - but focusing on each other. Great way to keep your relationship front and center.

Looking forward to more posts!

John V. April302009 at 12:40 pm
After being married for 24.9 years, I can tell you that we still say “love you” at the end of every phone call and when we leave for work in the morning. We still do a lot of things together, but also allow each other to do things “with the girls” or “with the boys” without getting jealous our pouting over it. It’s all about balance. There is some of the “lights off / eyes closed” sex, but there is still a little “sex in the hallway, sex in the kitchen, sex out on the deck (late at night and only when it’s really dark)” just like newlyweds. Even if we’re only going over to the auto parts store I won’t dress like a bum, but mainly it is to impress her and to keep her proud of me in case we run into one of her friends that I haven’t met yet, and she wants to introduce me. Again, it is all about balance and respecting the other person. And don’t for a minute think that we live some charmed fantasy life with no stress and no problems. We’ve had more than our fair share of health problems, job problems, miscarriages, etc. but still remain as strongly in love as we were years ago, if not stronger. In John 15:13 the Bible states: “No one has greater love than this, that one should lay down his life for his friends.” If both of us in the relationship try our best to always think of the other person’s feelings, wants and desires, then life for both of us will be so much better. It is when we become selfish and are always wrangling for the better seat, the last cup of coffee, or the better looking plate for ourselves that we fail. Miserably.

Law of Success May12009 at 4:35 pm
Some great points here.. another way to keep a successful relationship is to try and do new and exciting things with your partner.. Try registering in a course together.

Adventurous Wench women's travel May32009 at 12:27 am
Good tips Corey! Allow me to add another one:

Take adventurous trips together! It doesn’t have to be a travel around the world thing. :-)

better marriage May52009 at 8:12 am
to have a better marriage usually just out from the routine and do something different . simple tips and worth to try.

Laurie May52009 at 3:08 pm
Great points Corey! It’s never too late to improve your marriage. After being married for 25 years, the hub and I are in a better place than ever before. We are enjoying our relationship more than ever.

Corey, your workbook rocks! Thanks for offering it!

Art May292009 at 12:35 am
Learn a new skill together. Like cooking. And give more BJs.

Swas June122009 at 3:36 am
“Talk about your unhappiness”, I like that. I and my wife always try to understand to each other, and I think it is the main key to have better marriage.

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Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Building a better marriage

Building a better marriage

November 8, 1998

BY MICHAEL GILLIS STAFF REPORTER

Their kids were gone, their nest was empty and after 30 years their marriage had reached what Michael Meshenberg described as a ``plateau.''

``We had fallen into a routine, and we wanted something to invigorate, to refresh, to strengthen our marriage,'' said Meshenberg, 56, of Hyde Park.

Meshenberg and his wife, Katherine, 55, signed up for a class that teaches relationship skills--an approach that is gaining a reputation as an effective way to keep couples happy and combat America's high divorce rate.

Although the Meshenbergs were worried about their relationship, they weren't contemplating divorce. But they vouched for the skills they learned in the class, skills that researchers say can help keep marriages intact.

``I'd say that our relationship in lots of areas improved dramatically,'' said Katherine Meshenberg. ``I'd say we fell in love again.''

Engaged or married couples probably would be surprised to learn that relationship experts can predict, with remarkable accuracy, if they are bound for divorce. That's the bad news.

The good news is that the factors that make it easy to predict divorce--like how couples communicate and manage conflict--are factors that can be changed.

And not only are courses available to teach couples to change those factors, there's plenty of evidence that changing them works wonders on a marriage. Such courses, they say, can benefit couples about to be married as well as couples who have been married a long time.

``It's not really divorce prevention per se,'' said Dr. Howard Markman, director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver, and co-author of Fighting for Your Marriage. ``It's to help couples have great relationships. We think it's possible but it's typically not happening, and it's not happening for reasons that are fairly simple.''

With his colleagues, Markman designed a course that teaches couples how to communicate and manage conflict. Other researchers have designed similar programs, some of which are available in the Chicago area.

Diane Sollee, founder of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, said the courses represent the cutting edge of research into relationships. The coalition, which serves as an information clearinghouse on skills-based marriage education, held its second annual conference last month in Washington, D.C.

Like many people who are preaching the benefits of marriage education, Sollee spent much of her professional life involved in marital therapy, serving as associate executive director of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. She says she left that group, however, when she realized the best way to reduce the divorce rate was not through therapy but through education.

``It's the difference between going to a surgeon to have your arteries unclogged and teaching you as a young man to eat right,'' she said. ``One is to cure the mess you've gotten yourself into, the other is to teach you to not get into the mess.''

While therapy still has a role for couples facing crises such as an unfaithful spouse or the death of a child, Sollee and others say marriage education is a better tool for preventing divorce.

For one thing, most people don't like going to a therapist. Those who do usually put it off too long for the therapist to do them much good.

And despite the growing number of marriage therapists, there hasn't been a corresponding plunge in the divorce rate. Although the 1996 rate of 4.3 divorces per 1,000 people is down from the rate of 5.3 in 1981, nearly half of all marriages still end in divorce.

The classroom setting, where most marriage education courses are taught, has proved to be a far better conduit for help than the therapist's couch.

``We create a very safe climate for people, where nobody is going to invade their privacy,'' said Dr. Michele Baldwin, who for the last nine years has been teaching a course to Chicagoans, including the Meshenbergs, called the Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills.

``What happens over a period of time is that people open up to the group. They find that as human beings we all have the same sorts of issues. We all want to be respected by partners and be treated respectfully.''

The No. 1 predictor of divorce, researchers say, is not arguments over sex, money or the children. It's the avoidance of conflict--stonewalling and distancing between couples--that gives researchers one of the biggest clues that a marriage is in trouble.

``You can't avoid conflict forever,'' Sollee said. ``Couples that make it disagree exactly the same amount as couples that fail. Disagreement just means you have two normal human beings.''

It is how couples handle that conflict that counts, researchers say. And that's where the courses come in, teaching people the skills to help them improve their communication. The skills are taught to people preparing to get married, as well as to people already married. Clergy in suburbs such as Waukegan are even banding together to require premarital education classes.

Couples ``learn very specific structures about how to go into a fight and come out of a fight where both parties get some of what they want met,'' said Meg Haycraft, who teaches PAIRS in Evanston. ``They also learn how to fight without doing additional damage.''

The courses also teach couples how to listen. Most of them include exercises that require couples to listen to their partner, then paraphrase what they've just heard to assure they've understood.

Do the courses help? The studies done so far say yes. The most extensive studies have been done on Markman's course. In a study done in Denver, couples who took the course were a third less likely to break up than couples who had no counseling or traditional premarital counseling.

Other studies, however, indicate that the benefits of the course weaken after four or five years, indicating the need for refresher courses.

* * * * * * * * * *

How can you have a Smart Marriage®?

Diane Sollee, the founder of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, an information clearinghouse on marriage-skills education, has some advice.

The following is excerpted and adapted from her group's Web site:

* It's not conflict, it's how you handle conflict that separates successful and unsuccessful marriages. Disagreement and fighting aren't predictors of divorce, but stonewalling, avoidance, defensiveness, contempt and the silent treatment are.

* Repair attempts are crucial. They can be clumsy or funny, even sarcastic, but a willingness to make up after a fight is central to every happy marriage.

* All couples have about 10 issues they'll never resolve. If you switch partners, you'll still have unresolvable issues. (More than 90 percent of all arguments between couples are over money, time, kids, sex and jealousy and in-laws and friends.) Learn how to live with and accommodate your differences.

* Love ebbs and flows depending on how you treat each other. Learn new ways to interact, and the feeling can come flowing back.

* Remember marital satisfaction drops with the birth of a baby. It's normal. Hang in there.

* Sex ebbs and flows, too. Enjoy the flows.

* Welcome change. The marriage vow is a promise to stay married, not to stay the same.

To improve communication, Sollee urges couples to practice simple skills. Share things you appreciate about your partner. Express your wishes, hopes and dreams. Update your spouse about changes in plans and circumstances.

Clear up little mysteries before they become suspicious. And when you have complaints, don't just criticize--describe what bothers you and suggest how you'd like it done

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Monday, July 27, 2009

Making Time for Your Spouse

Making Time for Your Spouse

by Terry Northcutt

It’s ironic that I should be asked to write an article about making time for your spouse. Why, you ask? For years, my job was my first, second, and third earthly priority. My children probably took fourth place, and my wife might grab spot number five.

So, why should I write about making time for my spouse? It’s definitely not because my wife is always my number one earthly priority, though I wish that were always true. Perhaps it’s because I make a sincere effort to give my wife far more time than I ever did before.

As I write this article in July of 2008, I’ve been married for 37 years to the love of my life. Our children are all grown and on their own. They all live in states or countries far away from us. For the most part, my spouse, my job, and the Lord and His church are my life.

I like what I accomplish at Family Dynamics Institute for marriages, but the older I become, the more precious my time is with my wife. I’ve actually learned to love just talking to my wife about her life, my life, and our life together. Though I’ll never learn to love shopping (with or without my wife), I’ve learned to enjoy the time with her while she shops. We both enjoy visiting historical sites and museums and we both like to talk while working in the yard together, though that does not occur as often as I wish it could due to our erratic schedules.

Though our tastes in movies and television shows rarely coincides, on those occasions that we find we want to watch something together, it is a special time to curl up together on the couch and watch a show, talking about it from time to time, and just being close.

I often ask myself why I look forward so much to spending time with my wife now. I think it is because I’ve come to appreciate who she is in ways I never stopped to consider when we were younger. Now, I want to hear what she thinks about things, and feels about them in ways that I never used to even consider.

I’ve concluded that the important thing in terms of making time for your spouse is not so much a conscious decision to spend time with my spouse as much as it is a sheer delight to be with her because of how I now view her, our relationship, and the deep appreciation I feel for who she is and what she puts up with – namely, me.

I don’t mean to say that couples shouldn’t schedule time to be with each other just because they don’t spend enough time developing their relationship. I simply mean that scheduling the time becomes a joy, not just another thing to add to one’s relationship checklist, when you learn to appreciate and respect the other person for who he or she is.

So, how have I come to appreciate and respect my wife’s thoughts and feelings on a deeper level?

In 1995 our marriage was hemorrhaging badly. We took the Dynamic Marriage course that I now oversee. The course forced us to talk about things we had never talked about before. It caused us to dig deeper into topics we had discussed, but apparently just superficially. It taught me to listen, really listen to her thoughts and feelings. Those conversations and many since then helped me understand that the woman I married is a multi-dimensional, caring, intuitive, deeply thoughtful and feeling woman, and I am so blessed to have her as my companion in life.

I really don’t think in the last number of years that I’ve ever said, “Honey, we need to spend more time together. I propose that we double the time we spend with each other on a weekly basis.” Instead, I think that because my love, respect, and appreciation for my wife grew as a result of our many meaningful conversations, that I now spend far more time just with her than I ever did before.

Do I need to improve in this area yet? Absolutely. Will I? Probably not if I wait until I decide to make a conscious effort to increase the time. If my respect and appreciation grow for my wife, however, I think it will naturally occur, and I’ll be the better husband for it.

Terry Northcutt
Director of Marriage Enrichment Courses
Family Dynamics Institute

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Sunday, July 26, 2009

Understanding Your Wife's Need for Emotional Intimacy

Understanding Your Wife's Need for Emotional Intimacy
By Gary and Barbara Rosberg
America's Family Coaches
(c) 2000 by Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg
Used with Permission

Gary and I were conducting a week-long marriage conference on a cruise ship when I casually invited the women to join me one day for an informal discussion of emotional intimacy. The next morning everyone of the women showed up.

"How does it affect you when your husband doesn't recognize your need for emotional intimacy?" I asked

One woman offered, "when my husband walks in with that "look of love" in his eyes-"

"Look of love or lust?" another woman interjected.

Everyone giggled to release the stress of talking about this delicate topic. Then the first woman continued. "My initial response is disappointment: oh, all he wants is sex. I feel disappointed because I know my emotional needs won't get met."

Emotional intimacy is so rich, so fulfilling for a woman. It doesn't replace the need for sex, but for her, the emotional need is as intense as the physical need. And when that need is fulfilled by her husband and sustained through thoughtful T-A-L-K time, it is much easier for her to move more quickly into a sexual mode.

But what if that doesn't happen? You may not realize it, but when you show disappointment that your wife doesn't respond to you sexually, you send a nonverbal message that she may hear as this: "oh no. You mean I have to listen to you before I use you?" That may sound crass, but that's how your sexual advances may make your wife feel. A woman has a God-given need to connect emotionally, but if that need is either not recognized or cavalierly dismissed, she feels that her husband is only using her to gratify his sexual desires.

Everyone agreed that after a full day's work both men and women are weary and exhausted. But when a husband seems to reserve all his attention for his work and shows no attention to his wife, she feels unloved. When that happens, instead of having a loving and sexually responsive wife, he will run the risk of being at continual odds with her. He will get wrath instead of warmth.

Ever have a conversation with your wife in which you are mumbling, "yes, dear… I understand, honey… Uh-huh, sweetheart," but if she asked you why she just said, you would be hard-pressed to tell her? A woman's need to talk has become a standard sitcom joke, but it is not a joke. For many women, talking as a way to work through thoughts, feelings, ideas, and problems. It's the way we're wired, and it's solid wiring. Sure, just like your wiring, it can short-circuit sometimes. But overall, it's a positive way to express and process her thoughts and emotions. Be wise: listen to her and draw her out. It will draw you closer as a couple.

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Saturday, July 25, 2009

Not enough intimacy in the marriage?

Not enough intimacy in the marriage?
Better seek help to bring the passion back into the marriage

By Pierre Coda

Sex after marriage! Or should I say, (no) sex after a few years of marriage. It is not something that we all talk about all that much but the problem is acute in most relationships. If a chart is drawn with years of marriage and the frequency of intimacy, the line drops off pretty rapidly after three years and the drop is even sharper for couples with kids. In about one-thirds of the cases, there is some recovery in the 50s when kids are grown up, anxieties about life are somewhat subdued, and couples have less distractions, but for many couples even that does not happen. (Related: Marriage without passion)

Dr. Andrew Atwood, the author of "Hopeful Solutions for Your Sexless Marriage," estimates that there are as many as 17 million married people in the United States alone that have no sex at all. And it is not just you and I. Teri Hatcher has admitted in her book that she had a nearly sexless marriage to Jon Tenney. This is not a healthy sign since it is not for any moral or religious reasons that these folks are not having it. The reasons vary but are typically related to lack of passion, lack of effort by both partners to take the initiative, and stress caused by a variety of factors. No one can disagree that healthy dose of high-quality intimacy is critical to happiness in married life. Several studies have shown that couples with a contented life are likely to be physically and emotionally fit, good members of the society, and more likely to perform better personally and professionally.
When I deal with my clients who are living in literally sexless marriages, what surprises me the most that each partner blames the other rather than takes responsibility for their actions. I have observed that since physical intimacy is a mutual activity, both partners are to be blamed if they are not having it, though the level of blame could be different. While both men and women think of intimacy, they do not always create the right environment and take initiative to make it happen. Michele W Davis, the author of "A Couple's Guide to Boosting Their Marriage Libido" says, "Once the low-interest partner allows him/herself to be touched and aroused, this will trigger a strong desire to continue being sexual."

Other probable sad outcomes of unhealthy marital lives are adultery, alcohol/drug addiction, association with prostitutes, visits to adult entertainment establishments, and in the worst cases, abuse of family members (which in the worst form could mean minors). And trust me, it is not just the men who engage in such behaviors. While women may not have the same options as men do, with proliferation of cell phones and the cheating websites, women are increasingly engaging in adventures that were previously associated with men alone.

What can be done?

1. Acknowledge the problem. While no guidelines indicate what is the optimum frequency, but a rule of thumb that I use with my clients (of all ages) is that if they are not being intimate at least once a week on average (to calculate the average you can exclude the time that you cannot have it, for example, one partner has to be away for a few months or is seriously ill or anything else that makes it impossible). This is not a time to assign blame.
2. Sit down with your partner and discuss it to:




(a) Identify the reasons
(b) Develop an action plan together with clearly defined roles and responsibilities
(c) Agree on what will happen if something does not turn out the way it is planned

3. Invest in some simple things that produce the sparks leading to intimacy. For instance, here are some suggestions for women:

(a) Invest in lingerie if you have not bought something for a long time.
(b) Redecorate your bedroom. Clean up the mess and turn it into a nice, cozy place. Not a bad idea to buy some aromatherapy products along with candles. Install a music system and compile a selection of soft, romantic (preferably instrumental or classical) music for playing at the right time.
(d) Stock your bathroom with products containing exotic fragrances and use them prior to going to bed.
(e) Are you fit? Do you have some extra pounds? While you do not have to wait to till you have the perfect body, start working on it by having a healthy diet and exercise regimen. Research also shows that if you have cosmetic surgery to fix an area, you will do better in your sex life.

Suggestions for men




(a) Get off that couch and turn the TV off at least one hour prior to your sleeping time so that you cango to the bedroom. If you are early in the bedroom, you can listen to some music, read a magazine, or just relax without any distractions.
(b) It is not only the women who need to wear lingerie. You must also see what you wear while sleeping and if you are used to wearing cotton T shirts and ugly boxers, think again. Buy something lingerie that invites her attention.
(c) Sex is not work. Indulge in it. Do not just expect to be treated by her. Do what you can to please her. As women get older, they need greater stimulation to be ready for penetration so take some time. Ask her what she likes and do it even if it something that you have never done before. (Related: Christina Aguilera Jordan Bratman and Britney Spears in bed)
(e) It is very likely that you do not know all the things that you need to please a woman. There is nothing wrong with seeking help.

Recommended links: Intimacy and relationships Saving your marriage Desire for intimacy with a lover Porn addiction

A couple making love all the time Romantic getaways for couples How to keep the passion alive? Life after divorce

Sexually unsatisfied women How to have variety in sex? 30 day sex challenge How to heat things up in the bedroom?

How to save a marriage through sex I want to leave a bad marriage Marriage without sex

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Friday, July 24, 2009

Cultivating Intimacy in Marriage

Cultivating Intimacy in Marriage

Paul J. Bucknell



Every wedding is the fulfillment of many hopes and dreams. Maybe you can remember back to when you were readying yourself for your marriage. I remember writing love poems. Linda on the other hand would make matching outfits. We were probably like most couples, which have their heads far above the clouds. Each couple is convinced that their own marriage ‘will be different’ from those that face problems. God has so wired each couple to wish and dream for the best. Why?

A. Understanding Intimacy
B. Growing in Intimacy
C. Sexual intimacy
D. The Purpose of Intimacy

We are not sure of all the reasons for this, but it does seem that the Lord reveals two significant things to the couple through the brief period of engagement:

(1) The true longings of the heart: True honest, endearing and faithful relationship that brings a greater joy, love and sense of fulfillment.

(2) The depth of commitment: An unselfishness and devotion to love only one another.

God in His grace grants each couple a foretaste of how great their marriage really could be. He gives them something to aspire to. Married couples typically are caught off guard shortly after the wedding. The reality of their selfishness sets in. Bitterness often seals the couple there until the grave. Couples can’t go much further than over the honeymoon threshold without God’s plan and power built in their lives through Jesus Christ.

God pronounces each couple ‘one’ on their wedding day. Are they one? Yes. But there is still the need to grow into it every day of their married lives. Married life serves as a constant opportunity for each couple to live out what deep down they know they should be doing. As a married couple lives together, they will have many opportunities to eliminate those seams and become one. Married life in summary, then, is an opportunity to grow in intimacy. In this session we will show you how to cultivate deeper intimacy in your marriage.

A. Understanding Intimacy

Through this series, we have seen two main ways to obtain a great marriage. First, we have come to understand what biblical marriage looks like. We have acquired God’s view of marriage. As long as we look at marriage from man’s point of view, our distorted perspectives will kill all valiant attempts to have a great marriage. Marriage isn’t a man made arrangement. It is God’s design. We need to keep His design clearly in focus.

Secondly, we have seen how to recover from major setbacks in our marriages. As sinners we have, to different degrees, messed up our marriage relationship. Fortunately, through Christ we can identify and resolve these problems. No matter how bad the past, by rightly approaching the problems, we can change for the better. Crises are opportunities designed by God to deepen our intimacy with our spouse and Him. Learning how to solve the conflicts brings us closer to one another.

Today we turn to the third part, the most delightful discussion on how to gain a great marriage. If we needed to summarize the purpose of marriage in one word, it would be ‘intimacy.’ Lots of people are searching for greater intimacy in marriage.

What is Intimacy?

The concept of marital intimacy is derived from the Biblical principle of oneness. Although the word ‘intimacy’ is not used in the Bible, the concept is found there

(1) First, the phrase ‘the two shall become one’ is used to define the marriage relationship. Intimacy is living in full view of the other so that the two function as one. God designed and appointed the husband to be head and for the wife to submit to the husband. If they are to function as one rather than two, then they need a way to relate to one another that does not cause conflict but encourages harmony.

(2) The meaning of ‘oneness’ can be further understood by the words used to describe physical intimacy or the sexual union. Our culture now is trying to teach us that the sexual experiences of animals and humans are the same. They are totally mistaken. Much more is at stake. The couple deep down knows that there is more to intimacy than sex but don’t know how to reach it. Why else would a couple get married? The Hebrew word used to describe the sexual relationship gives us a clue to what is missing. That word is ‘to know.’ The Hebrew word yadah has many usages including: to know, learn to know; perceive; find out and discern; discriminate, distinguish; know by experience; recognize, admit, acknowledge, confess; consider and sexual union.

Now the man had relations (literally ‘knew’) with his wife Eve, and she conceived and gave birth to Cain, and she said, “I have gotten a manchild with the help of the LORD. (Genesis 4:1)

When it says, for example, that Adam knew Eve, the scriptures are saying that they came together in sexual union. There is much more happening than the fulfillment of the individual’s sexual drive. There is the intimate sharing of soul and person. Animals don’t have souls or self-awareness. People do. The married couple, then, is not just revealing their bodies to each other but their hearts as well. If a couple wants true intimacy, they need to deepen their relationship with the other. They need to ‘know’ each other in their different spheres of life. Although this might sound antiquated, just think, isn’t this what the time before marriage is like? I remember riding my bicycle three miles across town in the dead of winter, in the snow and rain, to have a chance to talk to and spend time with my wonderful Linda. I would still do it. I still want to ‘know’ her more.

(3) Thirdly, we can also see how ‘intimacy’ is portrayed throughout the Bible. Many theologians have argued over the true meaning of The Song of Solomon. If you haven’t read this book, you should. The book describes how a couple is romantically involved in each other’s life. You will also find some very interesting romantic poetry.

“How beautiful you are, my darling, How beautiful you are! Your eyes are like doves behind your veil; Your hair is like a flock of goats That have descended from Mount Gilead. Your teeth are like a flock of newly shorn ewes Which have come up from their washing, All of which bear twins, And not one among them has lost her young. Your lips are like a scarlet thread, And your mouth is lovely. Your temples are like a slice of a pomegranate Behind your veil. (Song of Solomon 4:1-3)

The Song of Solomon continues recording their wedding, their honeymoon and life after marriage. Some theologians couldn’t accept such vivid sensual language. Instead of a willingness to allow scripture to shape their views on marital relationships, they sought to veil the sensual, intimate language with a “spiritual only” interpretation. We do not need to shun this vivid picture of marital intimacy for it is given to help us understand the intimacy God desires with His people as well as affirm a healthy picture of an intimate marriage. Again, we see we must go beyond just sexual expression. Intimacy is all about having and growing deep relationships.

Jesus shares more about the spiritual relationship that He desires with His people. He is not talking about sex. He is, however, speaking of intimate relationship.

Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you, unless you abide in Me. I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me, and I in him, he bears much fruit; for apart from Me you can do nothing. (John 15:4-5)

As we get lost in the identity and purpose of the Savior, He will blend with us and that relationship will produce much fruit. The fruit or works that are produced is a beautiful testimony of Christ living in a Christian. Can we see how the two parallel? Both are important and true. This is the mystery that the apostle speaks about.

For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. (Ephesians 5:31-32).


You can order the Building a Great Marriage printed seminar materials including handouts at the BFF Resource Center or just get the BFF Family Training CD which includes our marriage and parenting articles including powerpoints .

(4) And lastly, let us note some clear commands in Bible regarding intimacy between a husband and his wife. We will point out four perspectives that we should have toward our spouses. Watch out. You might be surprised!

Four Practical Perspectives of Marriage
1) Possession

But because of immoralities, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. (1 Corinthians 7:2)





2) Obligation

Let the husband fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. (1 Corinthians 7:3)





3) Control over

The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. (1 Corinthians 7:4)



4) Devoted

But one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife, …but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband. (1 Corinthians 7:33-34)

The husband has his wife, and the wife has her husband. They belong to each other. They possess each other.

Each is owned by the other.

(This is the simple meaning of the Greek word to have or own.)

Husband and wife have certain obligations to fulfill to each other. In this case he is speaking of sexual relations. Neither of them have a right to refuse their spouse. Their wills are constrained by their marriage covenant relationship. They have given up their rights to doing what they feel like.

The husband and wife are surrendered to the wishes of their mates.

Their wills and selves are yielded to the preference of each other. One’s own will is lost in serving the other.

The husband and wife both positively seek the other’s best. Life decisions will always keep in mind what ‘pleases’ the other spouse whether it be sex, relocation, purchases, etc. Marriage brought the male and female together so that they no longer live according to their own preferences but for the other.



Bad marriages wrestle with control issues. Each spouse is focused on their own “rights,” and having their own demands or desires fulfilled. In great marriages, however, Each has willingly given up their own preferences in order to pursue a greater good, that is, what is best for the other. It is clear to see that being a growing Christian fully supports a great marriage. For example, a Christian has died to serving himself and is committed to serving Christ. He serves Christ by serving others and in particular his or her partner.

A good example is the action between two magnets. Opposite poles attract. Similar poles repel. Line the poles up in the same direction, and they will stick to each other. But if you turn them north against north, then the magnets will repel each other. You can force them together, but they will still fight each other’s presence. In the same way, intimacy takes advantage of the attraction. It works by the power of surrender. Intimacy helps you “stick” to one another. In order to judge your intimacy, ask yourself, “Do my decisions and attitudes bring a blessing to my spouse?”

Last night the family came home late. The children had just finished climbing into bed. My wife said she was tired. She looked tired. But I saw more than this. I saw that she was so tired that she just wanted to forget about cleaning up the kitchen. She usually musters up the extra energy to clean up. I told her I would clean up the pans. We had rushed out of the house after supper. These pans were the most difficult pans to clean. Some were filled with fat (broiler pan) and others had burnt food caked on the edges. This was not my duty, but I knew I could help her in a significant way by voluntarily taking on the job. She went off to sleep. I took joy in cleaning pans for her and cleaning the kitchen counter. I respect her value of coming down to a clean kitchen in the morning. I helped her to accomplish that goal without further exhausting herself.

True intimacy has a lot to do with how much we share our hearts with our spouse. This sharing is contingent upon the depth of the spouse’s commitment to each other. Conversations and experiences must bring the couple together in such a way that they think and live as one. Let’s explore this in a more fun way. Let’s end this section by taking a seven-question intimacy quiz. See how intimate you are with your spouse. Answer ‘Y’ for yes and ‘N’ for no.

An Intimacy Quiz

Y N 1. You have spent more than 15 minutes at any one time in the last three days nicely talking to your spouse.

Y N 2. Name the two most important things on the mind of your husband or wife?

Y N 3. Do you feel fulfilled and at peace ten minutes after sexual intercourse?

Y N 4. Has the husband shared and discussed his future dreams in the last three months?

Y N 5. Do you like being alone with your spouse walking and talking?

Y N 6. Do you sense that there are no barriers between you?

Y N 7. In the last week have you consciously restrained your words in order to speak nicely to your spouse?

How did you do? If your marriage is intimate, your answers in a typical week should be yes. If your hearts are one, then your wills are one. You are soul mates. Much sharing takes place between you. It isn’t supposed to stop after the honeymoon! Intimate couples strategically set aside some time to be together. Growing their relationship is a priority.

B. Growing in Intimacy

Many couples wistfully remember those sweet, innocent times before marriage that they were so interested in each other. They would go out of their way just to see each other. How does a couple get back to that state? In one sense you can’t because your motivation is not the same. In another sense, however, you can.

As the intimacy quiz revealed, you need to prioritize time to grow together. You actually need carve out time in your schedule to be together. It is a simple act of obedience for the husband to cleave to or cherish his wife. He will spend time with her to ‘know’ her more. The time will need to be cut out of other segments of life such as entertainment and work. Parents may need to reduce some of the time used carting the children to their many activities. Your relationship is important.

I believe there are three components to a growing marriage: Personal sharing, mutual understanding and deepening commitment.[1] It is a cycle that goes round and round, growing deeper each time. Let’s look at these three important aspects of growing an intimate marriage.

• Personal sharing

If a couple would just talk more to each other, they would grow in their intimacy. Clearly, a major challenge to intimacy in our modern world is busyness. As long as man and woman allow their times together to be leftovers from the busy world, they may as well assume that there will not be much growth.

Linda and I got hooked on spending an hour every evening talking and praying together before we were married. It has become the best of habits. This evening appointment has been the best thing for us.

In the beginning it was the only time I could see her. I would visit her at her parents’ house. We spent our time together in Bible study, prayer and sharing. After we got married, it just continued on. Our marriage keeps getting better every year. Our marriage is so wonderful that it is hard to imagine that it could actually get even better. Well, the next year proves that can.

Conversation between spouses must be honest, other-focused and true. Let us explain.

An honest conversation eliminates pretense. We don’t need to pretend all is well when it is not. In fact, we are dishonest if we allow our spouse to think one way when it is not that way. Our job is to help the other know who we really are. We might share our personal struggles with jealousy, pornography, or anger. When we take that honest step forward, the secrecy veil falls away, and we can grow in intimacy. Most conversations are shallow because they are not honest. It is fine to talk about buildings, races and school, but in the end, we need to share about our real person. This is where and when growth begins to take place.

Conversation must be other-focused. Just as conversation can be superficial, it also can be selfish. If you always talk about yourself rather than inquiring into the life and concerns of your spouse, you don’t need to wonder why your friendship with your spouse doesn’t grow. No one likes those who like to talk only about themselves. This is true in a marriage too. The ‘me’ person focuses on himself because he is content with knowing himself. If there is a need, it is only as listening post. We are not speaking of how much a person speaks but whether he actually employs his words to find out more about the other person. This is simple love. Intimacy by necessity demands an ongoing investigation into the life of our spouse. We want to explore their life because we are interested in them. Just the other night I asked my wife to tell me something I didn’t know about her. She had to think long but in the end came up with something. [2]

Our conversation must be true. Honesty and truth are admittedly rather closely related. We want to separate them a bit to help us identify a problem many marriages have. Usually when a person thinks of honesty, he is only thinking whether or not his words are honest. Truth, though, speaks at a deeper level. It gets deeper than just the words down to what he feels and thinks.

There are many things that a spouse might like or dislike, but not mention. Think about the things that you could do together. Out of politeness, you might not mention your dislike. We just put up with it. We might think that our quietness is more loving. But because of the closeness of relationship, we need a better approach, a more true approach.

For example, men and women are very different. We differ in how we experience and perceive life. My wife likes her back scratched. What good would it do if I scratched around the itchy place but never really scratched it. I don’t want her quiet politeness, but a bit of guidance such as, “Could you move down to the left a little?” I love to hear, “Oh, yes!” Then I know that the itchy spot has been scratched.

Quiet politeness is not true enough. Sometimes we don’t want to offend the other. It is good to think about the other; timing is important. But if something he or she does to pleasure you doesn’t really please you, speak up. If this was a momentary thing, then we could forget it, but marriage is for life. Allow the relationship to grow in truth. “Speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15).

Summary: Conversing with our spouse is the most basic step that enables us to know how he or she thinks about or perceives different issues. We are beginning to know how our spouse is motivated. We gain insight into his or her struggles and temptations. As we gain more knowledge about them, then we can better serve and care for them, and gain support from them.[3] Personal sharing leads us to mutual understanding.

• Mutual Understanding

Depth of personal conversation allows us to dive deeper into the lives and experiences of our spouse. Sometimes when my wife feels she can’t tell me the whole story, she will write it down in a page or two and hand it to me. This way I can’t interrupt her thought process. She also has a chance to clarify her own thoughts.

As a husband and wife begin to share more about their lives, they are able to better perceive who their spouse really is. The husband cannot love well if he does not know how she really thinks about a certain matter. The wife cannot be a good helpmate if she does not know well what God is doing in her husband’s life. It is here that we learn as a couple that we are one and can make ourselves vulnerable to each other without destabilizing the relationship.

I believe it is here that the wife’s “spots and wrinkles”, as the apostle Paul says, are eliminated. Through the husband’s unconditional love, she is able to open up more and more like a beautiful rose.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her; that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless. (Ephesians 5:25-27)

Mutual understanding has one great side benefit that we are often oblivious to. It cripples the evil one’s tactic of using misunderstanding and assumption to stir up trouble. The better the husband and wife know each other, the less they will misunderstand the other’s motives. When the past is fully revealed to one another, then they know they are fully accepted, just as they are by the Lord. The threat of blackmail is removed. Nothing is hidden any more. This is much like relaxing the muscles.

Relaxation cannot take place when the muscles are all tense. In order to reach relaxation, one has to mentally command the muscles to relax. (Try it. Tell yourself to relax your shoulder muscles. You will feel your shoulders slump a bit.) In a similar manner, a couple cannot fully take on the new form of oneness until they have dropped all of their reserves.

Some of these concerns and doubts have lingered in their minds for many years. The wife for example might be able to submit to her husband in all areas but one. But she hesitates in that one area because she cannot quite trust him. The husband likewise might love his wife in all areas but holds back with one matter because he feels that she may misuse that love. More than likely there are yet other areas, but until they progress past that block, they cannot rightly perceive all of their needs.

Holding back full trust shows that there are still ‘tense’ parts in our personal life. These are fears and worries.[4] Fears cripple mutual understanding through misunderstanding and ignorance. Faith on the other hand freely encourages the couple to open up their lives to each other.

Intimate marriages are formed by the unconscious deepening of trust in each other. Intimacy is normal and good. As trust deepens, the Lord enables you to grow into the oneness that He declared on your wedding day. The word “know” is significant. Communication speaks about revelation. Understanding addresses the issue of trust or accepting the knowledge into oneself and adjusting one’s life.

As one better understands the other, they can begin to more closely work, share and love together. They like being ‘one’ and sharing their hearts and lives.

Summary: Shared knowledge enables the couple to increase their trust in one another, there by growing in mutual understanding. Mutual understanding also protects you from many schemes of the devil. He uses misunderstanding to cause conflict between you. With mutual understanding a couple is able to take deeper steps of commitment.

• Deepening Commitment

Just as a child cannot grow into an adult overnight, so the couple cannot mature in their intimacy through one or two special experiences like a wedding. It is a life-long process. A couple must engage in tens of thousands of special conversations and shared experiences for mutual trust to grow. Fears are overcome and replaced with an invigorating confidence in each other. As a result of this deepening mutual understanding, a firmer commitment evolves. The commitment is a bit different than most commitments. It is more subtle and unconscious but real.

This commitment shows itself in being one-hearted, willingness to sacrifice and a fond cherishing of each other.

One-hearted. A couple must increasingly come to the point where they have only one love. They are committed to each other and no other. This will show itself by putting aside fascinations and fantasies. Even if the spouse has a disgusting habit, they still resolve to be committed to loving them. Jesus says that any desire for another is adultery. One-heartedness removes those uncommitted areas so that the husband can fully cherish his wife.

Willing to sacrifice. Once committed, the spouse is further willing to sacrifice him or herself to care for the other. This is the spouse’s life. Their faithfulness to bettering their spouse is more important than their own self. The husband’s love will be broader and penetrate deeper. The wife’s submission will be more genuine and propelled by a spirit of volunteerism.

More fond. With commitment, we gain a deeper sense of being cherished. The more we resolve to love our spouse, the more excitement and joy comes from the relationship. We are excited to see our spouse grow and be helped in some area. Their life becomes most important to you.

Summary: This deeper commitment is in essence love. Love is the expression of unconditional, genuine concern for the other. Love is not merely a theory but is practical, kind and forgiving. Love is the underlying devotion toward each other that generates a host of kind words, generous actions and special favors.

These commitments are not often spoken of or even noticed by the individual spouse but they occur. It allows the marriage to swing over into another cycle of growth. The husband and wife are more true and honest in their conversation. The whole cycle repeats itself.

Conclusion

An intimate marriage is characterized by the understanding that my spouse is vitally important to me. We are not just meeting each other’s basic needs. We have come to believe, on the authority of God’s Word, that our union is more blessed than our separateness. As we become convinced of our spouse’s value to our lives, we are willing to bridge the big gender gaps so that we can really ‘know’ our spouses.

The more I believe my wife is important to my welfare, the more I will try to understand who she is and how she can help me in my life. The wife, in a similar way, will be able to further commit herself to her husband in a trusting manner. Confidence in God’s design shapes our attitudes and actions.

Marital intimacy is sharing at the heart level. Each spouse believes in the other’s is commitment. Each realizes that God has especially gifted their mate to work with them. It is only this confidence that compels them to change habits in order to take those steps toward deeper intimacy. Every step of commitment brings a deeper appreciation of the spouse. This brings forth further changes in how they share their life.

Questions for Developing Intimacy:
• Have you carved out regular time in your schedule to devote to growing an intimate relationship with your spouse? Explain.
• Would you say your conversations with your spouse are superficial or about matters of the heart?
• Do you wonder whether or not you married the right person or have you dedicated yourself to serving your spouse? If so, how have you shown this?

Troubled about Intimacy?

There are no doubt many questions that come to mind as we speak of making ourselves vulnerable to our spouses. One wife can’t trust her husband for anything let alone to share her heart. Another wife has an adulterous husband. Is she to pretend he is faithful? Another couple is filled with bitterness. They are all asking if intimacy is possible. And like before, we will answer no, but there is an option.

You can choose be welcome your spouse or push him away. Words, attitudes and actions display the desire for a warm and beautiful marriage. A spouse cannot be forced to respond but you can create an atmosphere that would cause them to want to respond. On the other hand, you can chase your spouse away through a cold, sour, or condemning attitude.

A million housewives can complain about their husband’s defects. You can join them and treat your husband as an enemy rather than as a friend. If he is treated like an enemy, he will act like the enemy. Much of the time we just do not recognize how much our own bad attitudes have poisoned our relationship. What a difference it will make, if you swallow your complaints, forgive him and start treating him as the Lord told you to with a gentle and quiet spirit. Only then will your husband realize that he likes to be home! Only when you are convinced that you both are on the same side, will you put away your critical remarks and thoughts and renew your commitment to oneness. It is only then that you can begin to undress your soul before your spouse and genuinely ‘know’ him or her.

And I know that there are just as many husbands who would wish they were married to someone else. And as long as you wish this, you wish evil. You will remain in the wild frustration of never being fulfilled. Instead of settling down and working hard to love this one woman for the rest of your life, you are looking at all the reasons she doesn’t deserve your love. You can stay like that or you can begin to increase the level of trust. Then she will begin to be “disarmed”. She senses that she is not desired so she doesn’t make herself desirable. Desire her, not only for her body but also for who she is, and she will begin to respond.

Many marriages, as indicated above, are crippled and continue on at superficial levels. They are happy just sharing a house in peace. God wants so much more. God wants us to go deeper and deeper in the levels of intimacy. There we have more freedom to reveal our deepest selves to our spouse.

C) Sexual intimacy

Couples are willing to use sex to satisfy their immediate physical needs. The husband has strong physical urges; the wife has a deep need to feel wanted. The physical relationship gives them a little of what they want but more often than not it only reminds them of what they really don’t have. If the physical relationship isn’t built on a good social relationship and marriage commitment, then the old feelings of bitterness and guilt will return after sex. Even sex can bring its own guilt because it is used in a selfish way to fulfill your own needs.

What should the sexual relationship be like? Physical intimacy must be built on the foundation of a good marriage relationship where the couple reveals their soul to one another. We are not just speaking of consent or willingness, but a heart united in the ‘knowing’ of each other. Sex then is not a goal to reach. It is a deeper and more beautiful expression of the union they already have. The extremely pleasant feelings and fulfilled urges blend together in a masterpiece of oneness.

Many couples never get beyond serving their own needs. Sex for them is about getting what they need rather than giving to the other. There is a world of difference between being used and being loved. There is a great difference between a marriage where the husband is fascinated with and completely taken with his wife and one in which the husband fantasizes of other women. Does the husband really love his wife? Is he really focused on her?

Some of the greatest tests will come in bed with her. Let’s look at a few examples. He has his plans for the evening, but she is not feeling well is tired or perhaps her period (time of the month) just started. Will he be patient or irritated? Or in another situation, what if she simply turns her back on him because she is resentful over something he said to her in the morning? How will the husband respond? Will his focus be more on fulfilling his own sexual longings or on deepening his relationship with her?

The wife has her own tests too. The command to be submissive is not easy when your husband insensitive! If she is resentful, she will convey her unwillingness to be intimate with him. Sometimes the bed is a battlefield. Each side is struggling. The wife needs to find forgiveness for her bitterness and welcome her husband rather than shun him even in his selfishness moments. Non-Christian husbands are not thinking of Christ when they go to the bedroom (see 1 Peter 3:1). She needs to be gentle and of a quiet demeanor even in bed. If even there he finds a most gracious and kind woman his heart will slowly be changed.

Only by being faithful to our calling, will we be able to take the marriage forward. Bed habits are not excluded. Even if our spouses are stubborn, foolish or lazy, we need to love that one to whom we have committed ourselves. Some might say it is impossible. It would be more correct to say it is impossible without Christ, but it is possible to love like Christ through His Holy Spirit. We can forgive others and decidedly give to them the good they don’t deserve.

It is unfortunate that not everyone has a truly intimate relationship based on a deep commitment to each other. The only way to start going that way is for you who are responsive to God to begin being fully faithful to your spouse. Make no excuses. Pray and fast if needed. Be determined that, even if your spouse never rightly responds, you will be his or her faithful partner. I believe the spouse in most situations will respond. That is why you got married. A person’s faithfulness brings hope back into the marriage for it acts as a channel of God’s mighty love.

Some people believe that the sexual act is for self-fulfillment. We disagree. The sexual act is designed to fulfill your mate. We are to focus on the other’s needs rather than on our own. And as in all of life, as we love others, God will take care of us.

Genuine love is greatly needed in bed. Patience, kindness, and forgiveness will create wonderful times together. Only with God’s love, can the husband be willing to go without sex if necessary. Only God’s graciousness will allow the wife to open her body to her husband even if he has recently treated her unkindly. The husband is not to rush for his pleasure and ignore her needs. Women respond more slowly. So husbands need to take things slower so that he can focus on her needs. The wife must also be aggressive in pleasing her husband. They need honest and true conversation combined with cushions of love to reach the maximum feelings of delight.

Questions on Developing Sexual Intimacy
•Would you say that you focus on fulfilling your spouse’s needs during sex or your own?
•How do you respond as a husband to your wife when she puts you off for reasons of sickness, inconvenience, tiredness or from being upset?
•Why should a Christian spouse still dedicate him or herself to her mate?

D) The Purpose of Intimacy

A marriage can run into a rut if care is not taken. Intimacy, after all, is not a final goal. It is the means to accomplishing God’s purpose for your life.

Marriage has a purpose beyond itself. An individual exists for more than to eating and living. He has a purpose in life. A factory’s purpose is more than just a place for people to come and work. They are manufacturing some item. God has designed marriage in a similar way. The purpose of marriage always goes beyond serving its own self.[5] Let us discuss three ways to extend our intimacy by serving others.

1) Serve your spouse

Marriage, as has been mentioned already, is an endless opportunity for the husband and wife to serve God as they serve each other. Since the relationship is so closely bound, they are tested and proven in ways that do not normally occur outside of the marriage.

The husband must realize his golden opportunity to serve his wife. He must specialize in pleasing her by devotedly living for her. Don’t worry; she won’t object! Not only does he do things for her but he also treasures her in his heart. He is quite willing to focus his undivided heart fully on her. He is content. This becomes his great privilege, joy and reward on earth.

So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. (Ephesians 5:28-30)

The wife also must realize that her golden opportunity to show her love to God will be in catching the vision of being a helpmate. She was designed for that key position. The many individual situations that arise go far beyond her feelings. They go right to the issue of obedience. From her faithful service, a beautiful glow from God will emanate from her life.

For indeed man was not created for the woman’s sake, but woman for the man’s sake. (1 Corinthians 11:9)

An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, But she who shames him is as rottenness in his bones. (Proverbs 12:4)

God does not want us to stop here in our service to ourselves. He demands that we go beyond this.

2) Serve your children

The most obvious fruit of the marriage relationship is children. Each child is a perfect fruit of the parents’ ‘oneness.’ God wants His people to have lots of children. He commands us, as married couples, to have many children. The blessed home has many children. Even Joseph and Mary had at least five other children after having Jesus.

Intimate marriages naturally bear children.[6] We should warmly welcome God’s hand in creating children. He alone opens and closes the womb. This life-giving intimacy includes not only the husband and the wife but also God.

Birth control has at least five obvious problems.
1) Man wants the privileges of marriage (sex) without its responsibilities (children).
2) Man thinks that a marriage without children is better than one with children. Fewer are better.
3) Man disobeys God by not bringing forth many children into the world.
4) Man often kills children in order to avoid having them.
5) Man thinks his family planning plans are better than God’s.

Many couples want more money and time to themselves. They don’t want children. You can see that marriage for them has become a selfish institution.

Parents spend much of their lives caring for their children. Caring for their children requires an investment of many years. We must have a sacrificial endurance to give of our time, energy, body, money, and possessions in order to raise them for God. In a true sense, what we have becomes theirs. We love this song of praise given to a faithful wife and mother.

She opens her mouth in wisdom, And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household, And does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and bless her; Her husband also, and he praises her, saying: “Many daughters have done nobly, But you excel them all.” Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised. (Proverbs 31:26-30)

Birth control is another one of the many ways that we hold on to our own way and not totally trust our lives into God’s hands. Preventing conception means that we lock God out of this area of our life. When we say “no” to God in this area, we are in essence limiting our ability to be intimate with our spouse. My wife and I have been on both sides of this fence, so to speak. We have a gap of seven years between our second and third children. This is partly due to using birth control methods. We can testify that once we were able, by God’s grace, to throw out our birth control paraphernalia that God brought our marriage to a deeper and more intimate level. We learned to trust God together. We had more freedom to fully open our lives before Him.

3) Serve your world

In a real way marriage is for channeling God’s love to the world. God-designed marriage is the place that the world sees true love in action.. Marriage is all about serving not being served. The joys of marriage will only reach the husband and wife that are committed to serving those around them. As a family they will extend God’s goodness and love into the world by service to others.

This can take many forms, but it starts by loving your neighbors and the people you meet. Sometimes husband and wife are too busy making money or taking the children to their activities to let home be a home. Families need to slow way down to enable them to make room for serving events in their home schedule. Are there not many people that need a home away from home? Maybe God would want to use your family to minister to these people.

We also suggest praying together about how God wants to use you in this world. We will often miss God’s best because we haven’t asked Him. Think about each of your gifts and burdens (concerns). How does God want to use these to bring a greater blessing to the world? But maybe you have unidentified gifts that He is still unwrapping. Keep praying and seeking Him. He often opens doors that we never even knew were there!

Questions about Serving Others
•Have you ever thought about yourselves as a couple in light of serving others?
•Have you sought out God’s fruit through children for your marriage?
•Have you given in to birth control (family planning)? Why? What might be able to change it?
• Do you serve your children with joy? This has a lot to do with understanding God’s purposes for your lives.

A Question about Intimacy

A natural question arises when talking about service. Should we have any time left for ourselves as a couple? With caring for young children, and dad busy at church and work, there are times when it seems impossible for a couple to get together. Emergencies do arise and require separation but they are times of emergency not the norm. A wife working far away in another city is not an emergency. The wife is made for the husband. She should be at his side. Careers for women have fouled up God’s plans for marital intimacy.

It is important and vital to make some time together on a regular and frequent basis. We do our best to go out once a week without the children. Linda likes me to plan these times, or at least state that it is important to me by saying when we will go out that week. I now understand why (it has taken many years to finally understand this). She doesn’t just want to be with me, but she wants to know that I desire to be with her. My planning initiative adds the needed special touch.

Lately, she has been concerned about going out at Friday noon. She knows I teach Friday nights and might be distracted or busy preparing materials. I arrange things in such a way that I am not distracted. Otherwise, our time together will not serve to build the relationship.

Do we need to spend a lot of money? No. In fact money often gets in the way of relationship. At times we have had picnics together followed by a walk. These have been some of the sweetest times (if no active allergies).

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