THERAPY
MARRIAGE COUNSELING
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Conflict, Confrontation & Communication
Infidelity
Entrepreneurial Couples
Love, sex and intimacy
Maintaining a strong marriage
Balancing life as a dual-career couple
Breaking the cycle of co-dependence
Advice for Singles Only
Maintaining a Strong Marriage
A strong marriage requires constant and loving attention, which can be fun but is also hard work. This is because marriage changes as each partner grows and changes. For most people to be happy in their marriage they need to feel respected and cherished. For many, passion, trust, friendship and safety are other essential aspects of the relationship with their spouse.
Judith Wallerstein, in her book The Good Marriage, outlines nine critical psychological tasks that take place in a healthy marriage:
To separate emotionally from the family of one’s childhood in order to invest fully in the marriage and to redefine the lines of connection with both families of origin.
To build togetherness by creating the intimacy that supports is while carving out each partner’s autonomy.
To embrace the daunting role of parenthood and to absorb the impact of the baby’s dramatic entrance while the couple works to protect their privacy.
To confront and master the inevitable crises of life, maintaining the strength of the bond in the face of adversity.
To create a safe haven for the expression of differences, anger and conflict.
To establish a rich and pleasurable sexual relationship and protect it from the incursions of the workplace and family obligations.
To use laughter and humor to keep things in perspective, and to avoid boredom by sharing fun, interests and friends.
To provide nurturance and comfort to each other, satisfying each partner’s needs for dependency and offering continuing encouragement and support.
To keep alive the early romantic, idealized images of falling in love while facing the sober realities of the changes wrought by time.
There are times when you might be struggling with one of these tasks. Maybe you’re having problems with your in-laws, experiencing sexual tension or you feel bored and isolated. You might need to seek the guidance of a marriage counselor to help you develop the tools you need to succeed.
Dr. Kathy Marshack can help you. She is accepting new clients and has two office locations for your convenience. If you live in the Portland, Oregon or Vancouver, Washington area (or can drive to these locations) please call to set up your first appointment. See Therapy FAQs for more information. If you live elsewhere, we can arrange telephone consultation or we are happy to advise you on how to locate a qualified marriage and family therapist in your area.
Labels: marriage success
Marriage is an interesting concept.
People marry for lots of reasons, and almost every instance ends up in a marriage.
Some marry for money, some marry for fame, some marry because it’s time, while others marry due to parental pressure.
The best reason to marry for me, is to marry for love.
While I was going through marriage counselling, our marriage counsellor told us, it’s not love that sustains the marriage, but the marriage that sustains the love.
I can be quite dense sometimes, especially when it comes to love, relationships and marriage.
I know the concept of marriage intellectually, but I feel that marriage having emotional components, it’s something that my mind cannot fully fathom.
Men and marriage sometimes are like chalk and cheese.
Not because we don’t respect the institution of marriage, but because it may be less ‘task-oriented’ than work.
At work, we know we clock in the 9-to-5 workday (more often it’s a 9-to-9 workday), but with marriage, there are no official marriage rules, there is no martial handbook.
Sure there might be the bible, popular bestsellers like The Rules, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.
But what do they really know about the intricacies of marriage?
And for what matter what do I REALLY know about marriage (compared to what I THINK I know about marriage).
Buddhist monk Adjahn Brahmavisimo said “To know and not do is not to know.”
Marriage for me is a long learning journey, being sensitive and knowing that the marriage was the first step in the process.
Marriage is a process where we begin as marital newbies, get used to how each other is REALLY like, as opposed to our pre-martial perception of each other.
When you wake up one day and realize the other person either doesn’t leave the toilet seat down, or leaves the toothpaste uncapped, you will then see their ‘intra-marriage’ persona. Some may run screaming, thinking their soulmate has metamorphosised into some sort of alien creature shortly after the marriage ceremony. Still others may wonder about the mysteries of marriage, whether it’s meant to be, whether they’re destined not to access membership to the married people’s club.
For me, there’s no question about it.
Marriage is a journey of exploration and discovery, it ‘marries’ the best of two people into a combination that’s greater than the sum of the parts.
Labels: marriage success
Ten Tips for a Happy Marriage
by Neli A. Rogers, MS, LMFT
Most people believe marriage is important and that the family is the fundamental unit of society. People get married with great hopes to “live happily ever after,” but it is not easy to maintain the love and happiness they experienced during courtship in the day-to-day struggles of married life.
I have worked with couples for many years as a marriage and family therapist, and as such I have developed many practical ideas to help couples build a happy marriage. Here are my top ten tips.
Discover what makes each other happy. Couples need to live what I call the Golden Rule for Married Couples: Do unto the other as he or she would like it done. Often in a loving relationship, people tend to use projection—the subjective act of attributing one’s own feelings to others; the tendency to “hear” others’ feelings in relationship to one’s own self-concept and experiences. When spouses use projection, they think that what they want is the same as what their spouse wants. We are all individuals and we are all different. Therefore, what makes one partner happy may not necessarily be what makes the other partner happy. If you take time to find out what each other really wants and “do unto to the other as he/she would like it done,” your relationship will flourish.
Share alike in doing the household chores. Research has shown that couples who work together stay together. Both husband and wife need to feel they are equally yoked. This will bring a sense of equality in the marriage and will help prevent feelings of resentment that could come if one spouse is doing more for the family and relationship than the other. Couples need to be very clear about what is expected of each other regarding household duties. The most important rule to follow here is that both partners agree to the division of duties. Be clear and straightforward when discussing roles.
Be respectful and caring even when you are resolving conflicts in the relationship. When people are upset, they tend to act on their emotions. To be successful in relationships, sometimes people need to behave differently from how they feel. Couples need to learn how to regulate their emotions so they don’t “take it out” on each other. You should not engage in trying to resolve issues when you are too emotionally upset and unable to be reasonable and caring towards each other. If needed, take a time out, cool off first, and rehearse the conversation in your mind before you discuss it with your spouse. Make a firm decision never to be disrespectful to your partner even in the heat of battle.
Learn good communication skills. To be successful in marriage, you need to be able to communicate your thoughts, feelings, needs, and wants in a straightforward manner. You also need to be a good listener. Allow your spouse to express his or her thoughts, feelings, needs, and wants freely and safely.
Learn how to stay in love. Spend time together building your relationship. When couples are courting, they spend a lot of time together, and when they are not together, they find ways to communicate often. After marriage, some couples drift apart. They no longer spend as much time together, are not as affectionate, and don’t devote special attention to each other as they did during courtship. This leads couples to lose their loving feelings toward each other. You need to spend quality couple’s time together frequently to continue to build the relationship. Go on dates regularly to have fun, not to discuss issues. Keep the love alive!
Maintain a healthy physical relationship. Physical intimacy is different for men and women. Both spouses should be mindful of each other’s needs and reach compromises that will fulfill these needs. After children arrive, it becomes more difficult for a couple to maintain the same level of physical intimacy, but you need to make time to keep your physical relationship a priority.
Do everything with common consent. People in happy marriages never do important things without an agreement between the spouses. Couples need to balance the feelings and interests of both partners when making decisions. You need to make sure you understand how important an issue is to each other and only decide on a course of action after you both have agreed and are happy with the decision. Don’t expect to have everything your own way; be willing to compromise.
Little changes in you can lead to huge changes in the relationship. Sometimes when people are in a conflicted relationship, they feel discouraged because they think the changes required to resolve their relationship issues are too great and they’ll never be able to accomplish such changes. However, often all you need to do is find one or two small but significant things to change, and this will alter the direction you are headed. Over time, these changes will lead you to a very different place. You may need the help of a professional to identify what these significant changes might be.
Be grateful for each other. Gratitude has been statistically linked to happiness and hope. In every relationship there are positives and negatives. Find the positives in your relationship. Be grateful for your partner and express your love and gratitude for each other daily.
Develop empathy. Empathy means to place oneself in another person’s shoes and understand how he or she feels. It is a process of partial identification with the feelings of others while still being aware that the others’ feelings are owned by them and are somewhat different from yours. It focuses upon the feelings of the other. When you have empathy toward your spouse, you will be more effective in applying the other tips for a successful marriage.
Labels: marriage success
Mothers At Home Offers Suggestions for Maintaining a Loving Marriage
January 2000
Many family counselors believe the best gift you can give your children this Valentine's Day is a strong marriage.
The minutiae of daily life, from household and job responsibilities to caring for children, can often take their toll on a marriage. Mothers A Home urges parents everywhere to take time to strengthen their marriages. Finding a few minutes a day to give affection, share concerns and offer emotional support goes a long way in maintaining a strong and loving marriage.
"The most important thing is that strong marriages tend to foster the next generation's healthy marriages," says Dr. Isabelle Fox, developmental psychologist and author of Being There: The Benefits of a Stay-at-Home Parent. "In a strong marriage, you are showing conflict resolution skills, kindness and consideration. If those values aren't shown at home, it's very hard for the child to learn them. And having a strong marriage frees us to relate with our children in a healthy way."
Mothers At Home is the nation's oldest and one of the largest non-profit support organizations for at-home mothers. Subscribers to our monthly journal, Welcome Home, often write to us sharing strategies with regard to how they handle challenges in their family life. Over the years, mothers from across the country have offered the following ideas for strengthening a marriage.
1. Begin with the right attitude: Your marriage comes first.
Your marriage will suffer unless you make it a priority, and continue to work at it. This is not always easy for busy parents. Little things count. Show each other affection, including a kiss goodbye and hello. Do small favors for each other, such as filling the gas tank for him or paying the bills for her. Teach your children what a happy marriage is by your daily example.
2. Schedule a few minutes of “Mom and Dad” time in the early evening.
Don't wait until the children are in bed to share your concerns, joys and events of the day. After arriving home from work, spend the first 10-15 minutes with the children. Next, it's mom and dad's turn. Let the children know that they are to allow Mom and Dad private time to discuss the day. Encourage your children to read a book, allow them to watch a short video or bring out a special toy or game while you enjoy some uninterrupted time for discussion and reconnecting.
3. Have a regular date night.
Go out together without the children on a regular basis. If finances are an issue, it doesn't have to be expensive. Go out for coffee and browse through the local bookstore together. You don't even have to leave the house. Swap baby-sitting with a neighbor; cook a nice dinner, light some candles and enjoy a romantic evening at home before it's time to pick up the kids. Spending time together away from the children allows couples to recharge their marriage and enjoy activities they may have done more frequently before children arrived on the scene.
4. Turn off the TV.
If your typical evening routine means separate rooms for work or TV, change your routine. If you prefer to read, discuss what you're reading. After the kids are asleep, turn on the radio and dance to your favorite old tunes. Play a game of cards, scrabble or chess. Cozy up to the fire and share your latest dreams. Get in the routine of taking family or mom-and-dad walks together after dinner or on weekends, even if it's just around the block. Mom and dad can have a few moments to focus undivided attention on each other in a pleasant setting away from the phone, TV and chores.
5. Have a daily "check-in".
Make it a habit to touch base at least once throughout the day to see how your spouse's day is going. If he's got a big meeting or project due, call after his appointment and find out how things went. If mom is home with the kids, dad could check to see how their day is going. When a spouse is out of town, leave an occasional message on his or her office voice mail or e-mail. It will be a pleasant surprise among a string of business messages. Slip a loving note into your spouse's brief case or bagged lunch as a special surprise. A loving, encouraging word can often give you or your spouse the strength you need to make it through a difficult day.
6. Focus on the positive, and bring a giving attitude to your relationship.
Consider the unique contributions that your spouse brings to your family and your relationship. Write down a list of the qualities you appreciate in your spouse. Then write a note to your spouse praising and thanking him or her for the unique and special qualities and efforts he or she brings to your family. Provide a positive example for your children by also frequently thanking your spouse aloud in front of them for his or her work and contributions. Romance often grows from valuing your spouse for his or her role as a parent, and for all he or she does for your family.
7. Play together.
Find a sport or other activity to do together or as a couple. For example, take up tennis lessons together. Or sign up as co-coaches of your son or daughter's soccer team, or join a couples’ book discussion group.
8. Work on keeping your marriage "young."
Once in a while, pretend you're still “dating.” Flirt, kid around and hold hands. Occasionally, visit the places you frequented when you were courting, such as a favorite park or restaurant. Go to bed at the same time. Even if you're exhausted, cuddling after a difficult day can keep the spark in your romance.
9. Get away together overnight or for a weekend.
Consider a second honeymoon or weekend away – adults only. Or ask grandparents or friends to keep the children overnight and surprise your spouse with a night on the town and an overnight stay at a local hotel. Being alone together for more than a few hours allows both spouses to relax away from the responsibilities of chores, house projects and children's homework assignments.
10. Share your short- and long-term goals and dreams.
On an annual basis, such as after the New Year or on your wedding anniversary, go out to dinner together to discuss your goals and dreams. Expressing your goals allows you to better see your future together, and helps you work together as a couple to achieve those goals.
Labels: marriage success
A Few Words of Advice on Maintaining a Loving Partnership
April Westfall, PhD
May 15, 2006
I'm at that stage of life at which many of my friends' children, not to mention my own daughter, are choosing to marry. At a recent wedding shower I attended, all the invited guests were asked to come prepared to speak on the subject of growing and maintaining a loving relationship. This is a rather difficult feat for a couple's therapist to do in a few words. I racked my brain as to what to say as I struggled to distill some wisdom from my own life and the thousands of couples I've worked with over the years. Lucky for me, the shower was only a week away. Like a good news reporter, I had to get the story out and to make some choices from all that could be said on what for me will always be a fascinating topic. So, these are my thoughts in this somewhat expanded version on maintaining a loving, committed relationship over the long haul, whether married or not.
Couples I work with often bemoan the fact that the qualities in their partner that attracted them to the person in the beginning are later what they find most difficult to tolerate. Those personality differences that brought the initial spark of passion now spark only heated arguments. So, when you find yourself struggling with your differences from your mate, try to remember that initial feeling that went with them and how you hoped that this person might change your life for the better.
Amidst your busy lives, try to find time each day to talk to one another and find out how you each are doing. Create rituals of connection in your marriage, whether it's starting the day with morning coffee before the children wake up or walking the dog together before preparing for dinner. Checking-in with each other regularly goes a long way toward preventing the emotional blunders that occur when you are too far removed from your partner's inner thoughts and feelings. Once a week, sit down with each other to deal with any issues that require more focused attention. Ongoing maintenance is as critical to the life of your marriage as it is to your automobile.
Occasional eruptions of anger are a normal part of marriage. If restraint is exercised, these expressions of anger can serve to clear the air and expunge some of the frustration that inevitably occurs in close, intimate relationships. In fact, couples who shy away from any show of anger may do more harm than good, as emotional distance comes to separate them and a "chilliness" sets in. Expressing anger in a healthy way is an art - and takes practice. Avoid damaging your relationship with name-calling and humiliation, even when furious with your partner. Never use information given in confidence as a weapon, especially concerning the more painful aspects of his or her childhood, if you want your partner to continue to trust you.
Handle your conflicts in such a way that there are no winners and losers. Attempt to see your partner's point of view, and he or she may be better able to respect your own way of doing things. Cultivate a habit of compromise. Refrain from always having to have the last word. Self-righteousness is an attitude destined to get you nowhere good in your marriage.
Mistakes - sometimes serious ones - are an inevitable part of any long-term relationship. Eventually you can and will do harm to your mate. When this happens, be accountable for your bad behavior. Contrary to the often quoted line from the once popular film, Love Story: "Love does mean having to say you're sorry." Saying so, when done with sincerity, can be the first step toward healing and moving on.
Continue to seek out activities that challenge you both and bring novelty and fun to your relationship. These activities are the antidote to marital boredom. Whether you enjoy traveling together or decide to train for a marathon or take up salsa dancing, have fun!
Cultivate a soulful and deeply physical bond with your partner. Avoid the Cartesian split that ails so many couples in the Western world. Never forget the art of seduction, which continues to play as important a role post-marriage as it did during the early courtship period. At the same time, be realistic about what marital sex is all about. As borne out by research, married couples who report the greatest sexual satisfaction have their own fair share of mediocre and disappointing sex, just like everyone else. What separates them from other couples is their resilience in the face of disappointment. They accept disappointment as an occasional part of good sexual intimacy, and when it happens, they worry less and look forward to better times together in the near future.
Honor the dreams you share together as well as those you hold separately, whether you hope to raise happy and successful children together or one of you hopes to write "the great American novel." Respecting these life goals lends a sense of purpose and seriousness to your life together.
Be there for each other during the tough times: "for better and for worse, in sickness and in health." Having a loving, devoted partner with you at the most difficult moments strengthens your bond as much as celebrating your successes together.
Seek out friends and family members for whom you both care deeply. These people bring energy to your relationship and bring out the best in each of you for you to see.
When you find yourselves in a marital rut, as invariably happens over time, be generous with your partner and your marriage. To borrow from the wise injunction from the late John F. Kennedy: "Ask not what your marriage can do for you, but what you can do for your marriage." Don't worry that you are the first one to take corrective action. Consider this a sign of strength rather than a capitulation.
Finally, remember to try to bring laughter and humor to your familiar and repetitive struggles and more troublesome moments, which allow them to be gotten through more easily or simply endured.
Anyhow, best wishes and good luck in your future together!
Labels: marriage success
Hi. I'm Mort Fertel, creator of Marriage Fitness.
I've been where you're at and I have answers for you. Before I share with you how to have a happy marriage (below), I want to offer you FREE help and a FREE marriage assessment. No strings attached.
All you have to do is sign-up in the box to the right and I'll email you both.
After your free sign-up, you'll go to a web page that'll explain further how you can help you create a happy marriage.
Now here's some advice for starters.
Do you need help finding ways to maintain or recreate the love in your marriage? Here are four key ingredients for a happy marriage. Consider it a “recipe” for love.
1) Marriage ingredient number one is called a “Talk Charge”:
A Talk Charge is a 60 second positive, LOVING, verbal interaction with your spouse about a NON LOGISTICAL matter. If you're like most couples, you need to start talking again. Tell your spouse about your dreams. Share your fears. Tell a joke. Talk about the interesting person you met today or the experience you had jogging in the park. If you want a happy marriage, make a point of doing a Talk Charge today. You don’t have to be all sweetsie if you don’t want to. Just make sure you don’t discuss anything logistical. Your relationship will benefit immensely from consistent, positive verbal interactions like these.
2) Add a fair amount of “Touch Charges”:
A Touch Charge is similar, but it uses touch instead of talk. A Touch Charge is a LOVING physical gesture with your spouse. It's not foreplay or an advance for love making; it's just a warm touch for the sake of connecting in that moment. You should make it clear that you're touching them solely to connect. Do something you know will make them happy. Perhaps this will be a warm kiss or a gentle rub. You could stroke their cheek or massage their shoulders, whatever you know they enjoy. It only takes a moment, but the positive energy can carry you through an entire evening. And it when done consistently it will do wonders for your marriage.
3) Try some “Giving” for seasoning:
What could you give your spouse that would make them glow and look at you with intense appreciation? Did they recently mention they wanted something? What's your spouse’s favorite dessert? Favorite flower? Favorite spot for a romantic retreat? Try thinking of a gift you could give that would make your spouse really happy. Then give it to them. Do this often and watch your marriage improve.
4) Finally, a happy marriage requires a healthy dose of “Getting Involved”:
A strong relationship is created when both spouses are committed to being involved with one another. This will require a shift in thought, a “Move from Me to We.” Love requires SPENDING TIME TOGETHER and being involved in each other's lives. It’s not about being independent; it’s about being successfully INTERdependent. Do you remember when you used to visit each other at work? Meet each other’s family and friends? When you were happy to help each other out? That’s the ticket! The idea is to get involved somehow in your spouse’s interest. This simple action will give your relationship a boost where it needs it.
The above “ingredients” can be added to your marriage in any order. Don’t be afraid to experiment either. Your own recipe for lasting love will take some time and adjustments, but if you follow these steps, you are on your way to a happy marriage.
Want the rest of the recipe? I have much more FREE advice for you and a FREE marriage assessment. No strings attached. All you have to do is sign-up in the box to the right and I'll email you both. After the free sign-up, you'll go to a web page that'll explain further about an alternative to marriage counseling.
.
I've been where you're at and I have answers for you. I'll explain more in a moment. Do the free sign-up and I'll see you on the next web page.
Labels: marriage success
MAINTAINING A HAPPY LOVING MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP LOVE GUIDELINES
By Guide
Rule #1 - Refrain from developing bitterness and resentment for each other. Bitterness and resentment may develop when one person feels they are unfairly carrying the burden of the relationship, or when one partner feels that the other partner has hurt them in some manner. Communication is always a key in relationships, couples need to learn to communicate in a manner that their consort will understand, and at a level of maturity that does provoke bickering or hinder growth. Issues need to be talked through, and couples need to be willing to compromise for one another, as well as for the relationship. Consider developing an attitude that puts the relationship itself in the forefront, you are now entwined as one.
Thoughtfulness: If you consider how much time you have during the course of a day, I bet you could find some time to think of your spouse. You could think of all the things you appreciate about them, and how you would like to communicate your love to them. You could think of something you would like to do with them, for them, or just to surprise them. Even if you are often busy and on the go, you can find time to consider ways to love your spouse in thought. After that it only takes a little thoughtfulness to bring your desire into reality. Ask yourself this question; What have I done lately for my wife, (or husband), because I love her, (him), that I wanted to reciprocate or express my love for them in a manner in which I knew they would enjoy? You ever notice when one person tickles someone, the other one wants to tickle back? Have some fun together, life if far more than going to work and paying bills.
What about the millions of little things you could do or say to improve their day? You can always look for safe sensible things to do that will lighten your partners load around the home. Helping them with their burdens may very well help you both have more time for togetherness. Every little considerate thing you do will convey a message of loving intent. Guys, you can always be perceptive enough to make sure there is paper on the holder or thoughtful enough to pick up and organize things, (especially if those items are yours). Be on the lookout for loving opportunities that will convey your care, concern, and love for your spouse. Take the time to verbally communicate to them what they mean to you and how much you love them. Always acknowledge them in fashion that makes them feel special, never demean, degrade or belittle your spouse, words have the power to cut like a knife. Always consider what your behavior is communicating to your mate, Love Builds Up. Please repeat those last 3 words until they become embedded in your mind, in your heart, and in your spirit, Love Builds Up! Keep in mind, the information you store in your brain is what you will later access in situations. Love Builds Up.
Too often people go around looking at the ten percent of things in their lives that are not going well, and they miss the 90 percent of things for which they are fortunate. Perspective is a choice, what you choose to dwell upon will greatly effect your entire attitude. Attitudes are contagious. Are yours worth catching? Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate.
He who covers an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends. Proverbs 17:9
Out of love you can choose to overlook spilled milk, both partners have imperfections, those blemishes are opportunities to promote love. In many relationships there is far too much made out of trivial issues. Stop making big deals out of petty issues, move in love beyond fault finding, proceed towards a loving togetherness.
A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense. Proverbs 19:11
Communication is significant in relationships, both mates need to be able to voice their thoughts, concerns, and feelings in a mature healthy manner. There are important topics that will need to be discussed, and because the partners are both human, there will be areas of disagreement. Both spouses should be able to communicate their opinions in a loving respectful manner. These situations open the door for understanding, compassion, and compromise. The problem is the solution, within these discussions are more in depth connections between the partners, and opportunities for each of them to communicate love for one another. Couples are learning more about each other, and gaining in their abilities to reason and compromise in their love for one another.
To maintain a happy joyful marriage, seek to incorporate these love guidelines into your loving togetherness efforts.
Topics: Marriage Issues |
4 Responses to “Maintaining A Happy Loving Marriage Relationship Love Guidelines”
1
James Sokiri Says:
June 11th, 2008 at 10:27 pm
These are excellent tips for me and my family.
Thanks a lot for them and send more to me.
I will have a print out of it for my family.
2
Relationships » Advice For Healthy Relationships, Honest Character Dating Distinctions Says:
July 7th, 2008 at 10:38 am
Relationships » Maintaining A Happy Loving Marriage Relationship Love Guidelines on Advice For Healthy Relationships, Honest Behavioral Distinctions
3
Relationships » Fixing Your Spouse, Fixing Marriages Husband Wife Relationships Says:
July 7th, 2008 at 8:45 pm
This Love Advice The Best Relationship Love Advice Ever Love Guidelines For A Happy Marriage Love With An Otherness Mindset Say I Love You With Heart I Love You, An Outward Expression
4
Relationships » Virtues List, Positive Character Attributes Healthy Love Traits Says:
July 28th, 2008 at 7:12 pm
Love needs to be intertwined with positive character attributes, in a complex mental state involving beliefs, feelings, values, and…
Labels: marriage success
50 Quick and Easy Ways to Calm Your Anxiety
Published on Monday 28th of July, 2008
By Christina Laun
Whether you're worried about work, home or personal issues, stress and anxiety can take a heavy toll on your mental and physical health. Many serious illnesses are caused in part by stress, and constant worry can leave you feeling worn down, irritable and out of control. So how can you learn to manage your anxiety? While everyone manages their stresses differently, here are a few things to try the next time you're feeling overwhelmed by anything in your life to help you relax and put things in perspective.
General
Try these simple things to ease your anxiety.
Exercise. Few things can help relax you more quickly than a bit of vigorous exercise. Whether you kickbox, jog or play a game of tennis, getting your body moving will help reduce endorphins, improving your mood and making you feel better about anything you're worried about.
Meditate. When you feel yourself being overwhelmed with anxiety, try taking a few minutes out of your day to clear your mind of your worries and meditate. If you have trouble doing it alone, try using a guided tape or music designed especially for meditation.
Breathe deeply. Sometimes just concentrating on your breathing can have a calming effect on your state of mind. Count your breaths and concentrate on breathing in and out deeply.
Focus on something else. Fight your anxiety by temporarily shifting your attention to something else unrelated to what you're upset about. You may find that once you're done you feel much better about the situation and are much more relaxed.
Talk to others. Connecting with a friend or family member and sharing your anxieties can be a great way to get insight, advice and to alleviate some of your stress by getting support and understanding.
Clear your mind. When you are feeling stressed out you can have so much going through your mind that it simply seems overwhelming, only adding to you anxiety. Take a few moments to step back and clear your mind of all of it before starting anything else.
Slow down. Give yourself a break and just slow down if you're feeling stressed out. Getting yourself worked up to rush around won't help, so slow down, take a break and let yourself relax.
Don't work yourself up. When you're worried about something it's easy to focus on it and get yourself super worked up so that you just want to break down. Stop yourself if you feel that you're getting yourself riled up, and force yourself to calm down and look at things rationally.
Let the past go. If you're feeling bad about things that have already happened, take a moment to realize that there's nothing you can do to change these things now. Take steps to begin letting the past go and making positive choices for the future.
Count to ten. Sometimes anxiety can take over and make you feel out of control. Take back control by counting to ten, breathing deeply and concentrating on calming down.
Be optimistic. No matter what you're feeling anxious about, you can help make yourself feel better by taking an optimistic view of things rather than focusing on all the things that could go wrong.
Learn to let go of control. Even the most carefully planned events in life can take unexpected turns. Sometimes the only cure for anxiety caused by these things is to simply give up control and let someone else take over.
Look at the big picture. Sometimes things that don't really matter in the long run can get you all worked up in the present. Remind yourself of how your worries will fit into the larger picture of things and it may give you some perspective.
Face it head on. If nothing else works, just try facing your worries head on. Many times, things will be easier, better or simpler than you had anticipated and your worries will have been unfounded.
Diet and Supplements
These tips can help you make some changes or additions to your diet to minimize your anxiety.
Limit your intake of caffeine. Caffeine is a stimulant and can add to any existing anxiety and make you feel worse than you would otherwise. If you're stressed, avoid drinking coffee or other caffeinated beverages.
Try lavender oil. Some people believe that the smell of lavender has a calming effect. Try lighting a candle or putting some lavender oil on your skin or in a bath to help you relax.
Make a cup of tea. Tea, especially green and black teas, contain theanine which is purported to have a calming effect on the mind and body. So boil some water and make yourself some tea to relax.
Cook yourself a meal. Getting involved in the process of preparing, cooking, and eating a meal can be a great distractions from a number of stresses. If you're really feeling down, try making your favorite meals or comfort foods.
Have a snack. Some studies have suggested that low blood sugar can be a major contributor to anxiety. Make sure your body is running on a full tank by having a healthy snack.
Consider herbal supplements.If you're into natural remedies you may want to consider taking some herbal supplements like valerian root, L-theanine, and passion flower.
Have some milk. The age old remedy of having a warm glass of milk to relax may actually work. Milk contains tryptophan which can help settle you down and make you sleepy.
Enjoy pesto for dinner. Basil has shown to be a very calming herb, so what better way to get your fill of basil than by making a pesto?
Indulge in chocolate. Eating a small amount of high quality dark chocolate may help you to relax and will help indulge your chocolate cravings as well.
Chew on mints. Mint can help with lowering feelings of anger and nervousness, so have a mint or add fresh herbs to dinner to feel better and smell fresher.
At Home
For stresses at home, give these suggestions a try.
Light a scented candle. Certain scents can have a calming effect on your state of mind. Try a candle scented with lavender or a another smell like chocolate or baking cookies that may help you relax.
Indulge yourself. Whether you enjoy a glass of fine wine or soaking in a long bubble bath, take time to indulge in some simple pleasures to soothe your anxieties.
Take a shower or bath. The hot water and relaxing sensation of a shower or bath can help wash away your anxieties and help you feel better.
Get a massage. Seek out a professional or get your spouse to give you a massage. It can help relieve some of the physical and mental symptoms of stress.
Do something you enjoy. If you love to browse bookstores or take long walks in the park, take some time out of your day to do these things. You'll have fun and spend some time away from your worries.
Work at some simple chores. Doing some work around the house like sweeping, washing the dishes or gardening in the yard can be a great way to relieve stress, get things done and ease your mind.
Lay down. One way to get your anxiety under control is to take a short nap. Sleep will relax you and give you a chance to take your mind off of things.
Watch a funny movie or comedy routine. Laughter really can be the best medicine sometimes, especially when it comes to dealing with stress. Pop your favorite movie into the DVD player or turn on Comedy Central to have a few laughs and forget your troubles.
Write in a journal. If you can't find someone to talk to or just want to privately vent, try writing in a journal. It can be a great way to organize your thoughts and get your bottled up emotions out.
Do some yoga. Yoga can help both your mind and body by helping you stretch your muscles and concentrating on your breathing.
Go for a jog. Jogging can help you get some exercise which will relax you and will get you outside in the sunlight and fresh air.
Research your problems. If you just can't get your mind off of your troubles, trying researching how you can work around them, overcome them or deal with them through books, the internet and chatting with others.
Read a book. Try picking up a book to help you escape to another place and concentrate on a fictional character's problems rather than your own.
Spend time with a pet. Playing with, walking or just enjoying the company of a pet can be a great way to relax. The love and affection pets provide can be a great stress reliever, and you'll get to spend time with something you love.
At Work
Work can be a stressful environment, but you don't have to suffer from constant anxiety with these suggestions.
Take a break. While it may seem counterintuitive when you're stressed out at work, taking a break can have a beneficial effect on your mental state. Take a few minutes to get away from your desk and the source of your stress.
Go outside. Sunlight is a natural mood booster, so getting outside and away from your desk can be a great way to lift your spirits.
Take a walk. Getting a little exercise and even getting outside of your cubicle can really help alleviate stressful situations. Walk around your office, take a trip to get a drink or anything else that will give you space and room to think.
Create a plan of attack. When you're faced with an overwhelming and anxiety-inducing situation, you can help yourself by working to create a way to deal with the situation. Sit down and write out how you plan to get through it, step by step.
Avoid coworkers who may make it worse. Some people just love to feed the flames of stressful situations. If you have a coworker like this, make sure you steer clear of them until you've had a chance to calm down.
Put on some relaxing music. If you're sitting at your desk, put on some headphones and let yourself be relaxed by your favorite tunes.
Step back. Sometimes situations seem impossible to deal with at first. Give yourself some time and space to step back from the situation to view it objectively so you can figure out how to deal with it and calm down to think clearly.
Don't rush. Even if you have a million things to do at work that are stressing you out, rushing won't help: it can actually make you even more stressed. Slow down and do your work right the first time so you won't have to go back and fix errors you made from rushing.
Ask for help. If you really just have too much on your plate at work don't be afraid to ask your coworkers for help. Projects have to get done one way or another and it can help to get things done as a team rather than having all the stress just on you.
Read something funny. Take a break from your work to have a laugh. Laughter can help alleviate all the stress that's causing your anxiety.
Talk to your coworkers. Getting your feelings out to someone you work with may help you find new ways to cope, create solutions or just help you relax.
Talk yourself through a situation. Believe in yourself and know that you can get through a situation, and you're likely to be much less stressed. Give yourself a pep talk and talk your way through anything you need to do to help reduce your anxiety.
Labels: marriage and anxiety
MAINTAINING A HAPPY LOVING MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP LOVE GUIDELINES
By Guide
Rule #1 - Refrain from developing bitterness and resentment for each other. Bitterness and resentment may develop when one person feels they are unfairly carrying the burden of the relationship, or when one partner feels that the other partner has hurt them in some manner. Communication is always a key in relationships, couples need to learn to communicate in a manner that their consort will understand, and at a level of maturity that does provoke bickering or hinder growth. Issues need to be talked through, and couples need to be willing to compromise for one another, as well as for the relationship. Consider developing an attitude that puts the relationship itself in the forefront, you are now entwined as one.
Thoughtfulness: If you consider how much time you have during the course of a day, I bet you could find some time to think of your spouse. You could think of all the things you appreciate about them, and how you would like to communicate your love to them. You could think of something you would like to do with them, for them, or just to surprise them. Even if you are often busy and on the go, you can find time to consider ways to love your spouse in thought. After that it only takes a little thoughtfulness to bring your desire into reality. Ask yourself this question; What have I done lately for my wife, (or husband), because I love her, (him), that I wanted to reciprocate or express my love for them in a manner in which I knew they would enjoy? You ever notice when one person tickles someone, the other one wants to tickle back? Have some fun together, life if far more than going to work and paying bills.
What about the millions of little things you could do or say to improve their day? You can always look for safe sensible things to do that will lighten your partners load around the home. Helping them with their burdens may very well help you both have more time for togetherness. Every little considerate thing you do will convey a message of loving intent. Guys, you can always be perceptive enough to make sure there is paper on the holder or thoughtful enough to pick up and organize things, (especially if those items are yours). Be on the lookout for loving opportunities that will convey your care, concern, and love for your spouse. Take the time to verbally communicate to them what they mean to you and how much you love them. Always acknowledge them in fashion that makes them feel special, never demean, degrade or belittle your spouse, words have the power to cut like a knife. Always consider what your behavior is communicating to your mate, Love Builds Up. Please repeat those last 3 words until they become embedded in your mind, in your heart, and in your spirit, Love Builds Up! Keep in mind, the information you store in your brain is what you will later access in situations. Love Builds Up.
Too often people go around looking at the ten percent of things in their lives that are not going well, and they miss the 90 percent of things for which they are fortunate. Perspective is a choice, what you choose to dwell upon will greatly effect your entire attitude. Attitudes are contagious. Are yours worth catching? Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate.
He who covers an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends. Proverbs 17:9
Out of love you can choose to overlook spilled milk, both partners have imperfections, those blemishes are opportunities to promote love. In many relationships there is far too much made out of trivial issues. Stop making big deals out of petty issues, move in love beyond fault finding, proceed towards a loving togetherness.
Communication is significant in relationships, both mates need to be able to voice their thoughts, concerns, and feelings in a mature healthy manner. There are important topics that will need to be discussed, and because the partners are both human, there will be areas of disagreement. Both spouses should be able to communicate their opinions in a loving respectful manner. These situations open the door for understanding, compassion, and compromise. The problem is the solution, within these discussions are more in depth connections between the partners, and opportunities for each of them to communicate love for one another. Couples are learning more about each other, and gaining in their abilities to reason and compromise in their love for one another.
To maintain a happy joyful marriage, seek to incorporate these love guidelines into your loving togetherness efforts.
Labels: marriage success
Tips for a Happy Marriage
Marriages fail each day. Do not become another statistic!
BY RYAN P. DENEE
magine a poll with the question “Would you want a happy marriage?” No matter the age, gender, background or financial status the vast majority would answer a resounding “Yes!”
Source: ArtToday, Inc.
Consider this modern age, a time of pursuing endless pleasures. A whole generation practices the motto “Work hard, play harder.” Many have decided to neglect the attention the marriage institution requires. Sadly, married couples are becoming outnumbered by common-law partners and single-mother households. This shows that even though happy, successful marriages are desirable, they remain elusive.
Why? Is a happy marriage even possible?
Of course it is possible! The following are helpful and practical points for those who desire to develop a happy marriage.
Foundational Points
For anything to succeed, a correct foundation and structure are necessary. For example, a house built without a foundation will eventually collapse. A bridge without sufficient support will ultimately fail. The same is true for marriage—a proper foundation and structure must exist, else it will crumble and fail.
Most newlyweds begin marriage with the concept of each contributing 50%. But would a small business be successful if each partner gave only a 50% effort? Whether it is a business or marriage, a 50/50 venture will fail.
The first step in a successful marriage is for both husband and wife to put all their effort into the relationship—each giving 100%!
Marriage is between the husband and wife, and no one else. Yet some, in effect, bring other family members into the marriage. This can be done in a variety of ways. Some choose to live at home with in-laws to save money. Others bring overbearing parents into marital matters. In either case, this can cause problems for newlyweds. Both husband and wife must be completely focused on each other—on the new family they are building together.
Proper Roles
Husbands and wives must fully cooperate in all aspects of marriage. In pairs figure skating, each partner must depend on the other to successfully perform their routine. Intricately planned moves demand clearly defined roles. One must lead and one must follow. If one skater changes roles midstream, the routine will end in disaster. Likewise, marriage has visibly defined roles. If these are not followed, the marriage will experience hardship—and most likely end in failure.
Every successful team has a coach, every corporation a CEO, and every country a head of state. So must every marriage have a leader, and this is the husband’s responsibility. This does not mean the husband is better than the wife, or that the wife is inferior. This role does not entitle him to rule his family like a dictator. On the other hand, his leadership role is not a minor formality. God created the institution of marriage in a specific way, with strengths and skills that fit this structure endowed to both sexes.
But how does a husband properly lead? He gives himself to his wife, loves her and ensures that all her needs are provided. This gives his wife a comfort and confidence that strengthens the entire relationship. Real leaders make every effort to allow those under them to flourish. Through many hours of encouragement, support and teaching, a real husband will take the time to help his wife succeed.
Wives also have a vital role. They build and support the family in a variety of important ways. Yet most do not understand the scope of the wife’s role.
Consider the Bible’s definition of a wife, found in Proverbs 31. It describes a woman who is the ultimate help-mate, one who supports her husband and children. She demonstrates sound judgment; she cares for the family; she willingly works hard; she provides a balanced menu for her household; she is frugal and can manage finances, under the husband’s guidance; she strives for quality; she gains a good reputation because of her example; she works to uplift the environment of her home; every word she speaks is kind and thoughtful; her family respects her and holds her in high regard.
Much more could be said about the specific roles of men and women. Both must work hard to learn and practice their roles to have a successful and happy marriage.
Communication
Communication is one of the most important keys to success. Before marriage, couples often find themselves talking a lot—but this soon diminishes after the wedding day. Communication must continue throughout the marriage. The couple must continue to learn from one another, taking time to share their thoughts and feelings.
Most marriages fail because of a lack of or wrong communication. Seemingly the only type of dialog in many marriages is arguing and fighting. This is not communication! Nothing productive ever comes from this, and it should be avoided at all costs. If the discussion escalates, both must make a point to apologize immediately.
Husbands and wives should speak pleasantly to each other. Husbands should be extra careful of their tone, as wives can be sensitive in this manner. Depending on the tone, a question can be taken very differently, which could lead to unnecessary misunderstandings.
For the marriage to move forward in unity, productivity and harmony, both must know what the other is thinking. Issues should never remain bottled up. Each should take the time to listen, attempting to discern each other’s needs and concerns. Sincere compliments should also be a part of regular communication.
A good husband and confident leader will not be afraid to ask his closest friend and confidant—his wife—what he can do to improve. She may see things he does not. Her advice should be sought when making decisions as well.
Husbands and wives should avoid nagging or criticizing. They know each other’s “boiling points” better than anyone else. Use kind words—be supportive and interested—motivate each other to succeed in all aspects of life.
Wives and husbands should be a team!
Spend Time Together
Similar to conversation, time spent together also drops rapidly after the honeymoon. Life becomes busy: Bills need to be paid; the home must be maintained; children require attention. But all of life’s demands should not be at the expense of spending quality time together.
Schedule outings as if you were dating again. Do not allow months to pass without spending at least several hours together on a date.
Daily set aside time to discuss the day’s events. Sitting together and watching television is not spending quality time developing your marriage. If you have children, once they are put to bed, take a moment to sit together and talk. Make it part of your routine.
Another reason marriages fail is a lack of intimacy. Due to a host of reasons, people will often disregard sexual relations. This is another area in which you must make time for each other. Doing so will strengthen the bond of marriage. (To learn more, read SEX – Its Unknown Dimension.)
A Happy Marriage IS Possible!
Do not let a day pass in which you have not given significant time to your spouse—continually build the relationship with your best friend.
By starting with these points, you can begin to ensure a happy marriage. To learn much more about how to have a truly successful and satisfying relationship, read You Can Build a Happy MARRIAGE.
Labels: marriage success
Secrets to a Happy Marriage
FELLOW NESTIES SHARE HOW THEY MAKE IT WORK.
"If you're arguing over how to do a task, please remember that the results will not matter in one day, one week, one month, or one year. Chill out." -- LorieA
"Don't forget to keep 'dating' after you're married. Getting all dolled up and going out on the town, sneaking kisses in the movie theater -- these help keep things exciting!" -- Kauline
"Don't complain or talk badly about your husband to your friends, parents, or siblings. You'll forgive him long before they do. Keep your mouth shut or talk to him about whatever is bothering you. Otherwise, you risk having your relationship judged or commented on by others. And if you have to get it out, write in a journal. Diaries are nonjudgmental, and you'll be more likely to share the bad and the good of your marriage." -- TheBrowns
"Don't think that there won't be any problems after the wedding. There are bound to be difficulties. The key is to face them and get over them. Talk about what you're feeling and don't try to hide your problems from your spouse -- they'll only explode later on. It's like when you have a wound: Putting alcohol on it hurts immensely, but it disinfects it, stops it from getting worse, and heals it. Talking things out works the same way." -- Transparence
"Sleep naked!" -- Tracy&Steve
"Give yourselves at least one day each week to act like children -- like very best friends who have the whole day to do nothing but act ridiculous and laugh hysterically at nothing in particular. By obliging the everyday routine of the workweek, you tend to overlook the true purpose of life: enjoying each other and building a happy, memorable life together. I also recommend getting a dog. To me, this piece of advice is the most important because it allows a couple to have a gentle escape when you just need that extra bit of companionship. Pick a dog that fits your lifestyle and see what an amazing change this new friend can bring into your life." -- Lika
"Always remember you don't own your spouse -- your spouse is a gift, not a possession." -- MDwifey
"Be the bigger person -- be the first to apologize. I personally struggle with this. I don't want to be the first to say sorry! But marriage is more important than our own little self-interests, so I try." -- Kyleigh
"Nobody is perfect, not even you. Just remember that when he forgets something important or messes up; you could eventually do that too. And when you do, youll hope he won't hold it over your head for the next 50 years!" -- Goldenmama
"You need to be willing to make more than 50 percent of the effort nearly all of the time. This isn't about being a doormat; it's about really giving your all to the relationship and doing what's best for you as a couple. Don’t be territorial about things, like who changes the toilet paper roll. If each partner puts in what he or she perceives as more than half the effort, things will work pretty well." -- LucyMax
"No marriage is perfect or easy, and both people must work at it. Sometimes, you just have to go with the flow. Build a strong team structure. Once that’s in place, then think about kids." -- Bridebme
Labels: marriage success
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How to have a happy, successful marriage
By TiffanyLove
Are you facing marriage problems? How to resolve marital issues between spouses and learn eachother and your differences. A Guide to a successful, happy marriage.
Step
1
Everyone argues, but there is a way to resolve those issues that continue to flare up no matter what. The difference between a couple with a solid relationship and one that is on a rocky road is how they deal with conflict. First off you have to look at yourself and what you are doing wrong. Often too many couples look at their spouses problems and try to fix them but they don't look at their own. You can spend your whole life trying to fix/change your spouse, telling them things they are doing wrong, how to fix them etc. But if you never deal with your own issues it will do no good. Just remember one thing. YOU can't change your spouce. Your spouse has to be willing to change on his own, and if you try to force him to change it will only cause more problems. Most if not all women are guilty of trying to change men, but in reality that is going about the situation in the wrong way. Here is some advice. You have to learn to compromise with your spouse and their ways. If you don't like something he does the only thing you can do is talk together and come up with a solution. But whatever you do don't waste your time stressing over all his bad qualities and trying to change him. Instead look at the positive side of things and enjoy what you do have.
Step
2
People tend to get lost in the "problems" of marriage and lose sight of why they love their spouse. Sometimes you having a negative outlook on things can actually be the problem. For example maybe you don't like watching sports, but your husband loves them and wants to hang out with his friends and watch them. You can't try to keep him away from sports just because you don't like them. It is a part of him, just like the things you enjoy are a part of you. No, you don't have to sit there and watch them, but you can most certainly allow him to. Often people are attracted to one another for the things they have in common. Their differences cause conflict. The differences you have bring excitement, interest, and can serve as an introduction to new adventures and experiences for your partner. In other words, you would have a pretty boring relationship without them. Quit wearing the same kinds of clothes and trying to act like your partner. Instead, embrace and pursue your unique self and share that person with your spouse, and have him or her do the same. Embrace your differences.
Step
3
Trust is a necessity to developing an everlasting bond. Building trust is simpler than you might think. Mean what you say and do what you promise. Don’t let yourself be dominated into making a promise you don’t intend to keep. In other words, if you know you never want to live in a certain state, don’t tell your spouse you’ll eventually move there. If you say you’re going to be at home by 10 p.m., be home by 10 p.m. It’s that simple. It is very important to keep truth in a relationship. With no truth or honesty there is no trust. Recognizing the natural flow of a relationship will serve you well. Some days you wake up passionately in love, and some days you wake up mad at the world. Realize your relationship is not doomed just because you have a negative attitude one day. It just means that you are human. But you have two choises in that situation, you can make the best of it or you can continue to stay in a bad mood. If it's nothing to be upset over then don't be upset. It's simple, and always try to speak kindly to your spouse and in a loving manner. Never speak in anger or hostility bacause the outcome is always MORE anger and hostility.
Labels: marriage success
Article
For Women, a Happy Marriage Means Sweet Dreams
Those in troubled unions report more sleep problems, study finds
Posted June 9, 2008
By Serena Gordon
HealthDay Reporter
MONDAY, June 9 (HealthDay News) -- Trouble in your marriage can cause trouble in bed, but not necessarily the kind of
New research has found that women in happy marriages tend to sleep more soundly than women in unhappy marriages. In fact, women with good marriages have about 10 percent greater odds of getting a decent night of shut-eye compared to women who aren't happy with their spouse.
"Marriage can be good for your sleep if it's a happy one. But, being in an unhappy marriage can be a risk factor for sleep disturbance," said the study's lead author, Wendy M. Troxel, a psychologist at the University of Pittsburgh.
The million-dollar question, Troxel said, is which comes first -- does the unhappy marriage lead to poor sleep, or does poor sleep contribute to a bad marriage?
"We have future studies planned, and we need to tease that out," she said. "If you're not sleeping, you're more irritable, have lower frustration and tolerance levels, so it's possible that could affect the marriage. But we suspect it's in the other direction," that the bad marriage is affecting the quality of sleep because you're trying to sleep next to someone you may be fighting with, and that's stressful.
"If you're stressed or anxious, it can have an effect on your sleep," agreed Dr. Ana Krieger, director of the New York University Sleep Disorders Center in New York City.
Troxel and her colleagues reviewed data on about 2,000 married women who participated in the Study of Women's Health Across the Nation (SWAN). The women were an average age of 46 years. Just over half were white, 20 percent were black, 9 percent were Hispanic, 9 percent were Chinese, and 11 percent were Japanese.
All of the women reported their sleep quality, the state of their marriage, how often they had difficulty falling asleep, if they stayed asleep, and how early they woke up.
Happily married women had less trouble getting to sleep, had fewer sleep complaints, had more restful sleep and were less likely to wake up early or awaken in the middle of the night than women whose marriages were less than ideal.
Even after the researchers adjusted the data to account for other factors known to disturb sleep, the researchers found that happily married women still slept more soundly. And, these findings appeared to hold up across racial lines. The only groups that the findings weren't statistically significant for were Chinese and Japanese women, but Troxel suspects this may be because there weren't as many Chinese or Japanese women in the study as white and black women.
Troxel was expected to present her findings June 9 at Associated Professional Sleep Societies annual meeting, in Baltimore.
"All marriages aren't created equal, and having a high quality marriage may be good for sleep, whereas an unhealthy marriage is a potent source of stress. You could be sleeping with the object of your hostility," Troxel said.
If you have a lot of stress from your marriage or another source, such as your job, Krieger said you need to try to fix the situation that is causing the anxiety. If you can't change the stressful situation, she recommended trying to change how you perceive the stress. Good ways to help you relax are meditation and yoga, she said.
Troxel said that if you're in an unhappy marriage, marriage therapy -- or individual therapy if your spouse won't go to therapy -- can be helpful.
She also recommended practicing good sleep habits, such as going to bed at the same time and waking up at the same time every day.
Labels: marriage and the quality of sleep
Jane's Pages
Marriage - how to have a successful, happy marriage
Help for Marital Problems
I have been happily married for over a decade. It's not always been easy - but we have found solutions for any problems we've come across in our marriage. I'd like to share some really helpful resources with you here.
There are two great resources I'd like to mention.
Perhaps you have been led to believe that some marriages work and others don’t.
That it’s luck, maybe. Or bad luck.
Not necessarily true.
There are ways - easy ways - to keep a marriage happy.
Ways that have enabled thousands of people with serious marital difficulties to resolve their problems.
Wouldn’t you like to know how to keep your marriage fresh and alive, like when you first met?
We think so.
Which brings us to a remarkable breakthrough on the subject of marriage that can help you untangle relationship riddles.
The story began some time ago, in the early 1930s, when philosopher and author, L. Ron Hubbard, took on the subject of life itself to crack the basic problems people were having.
By 1938, he had established a single principle that explained what all of life was doing, and why. And so pieces of a rather vast puzzle began to fall into place.
His laboratory was the world at large - 21 different cultures and thousands of people whom he personally helped.
His research included the human mind, and by 1950 he published a book on the subject that became a New York Times and international bestseller that has helped some 20 million people lead happier lives and revolutionized our understanding of the mind.
But all that was just the start.
This knowledge was in turn used to unearth principles that would explain all parts of life.
Including how to keep a marriage happy.
Before he was done, he’d produced tens of millions of words on the mind and life, given 3,000 lectures, written 16 New York Times bestsellers, and had become one of the twentieth century’s most influential authors with more than 160 million copies of his works in 63 languages and 153 nations.
With all the pieces of the puzzle in place he indeed accomplished what he set out to do, and created a subject that was completely unique. New. Nothing like it anywhere. Or ever in history.
He called it Scientology, which simply means “knowing how to know.”
Labels: marriage success
What's the Secret to a Happy Marriage?
Marriage Partnership readers tell all!
By Dianne Barker
Earlier this year we asked, "What's your secret to a happy marriage?" We were overwhelmed by your creative responses. Peri Simmons of Tennessee wrote: "When my husband, David, and I were still single, a common whine we used to hear from 'old married couples' was, 'He's (or she's) not the same person I married.' When we got married, we agreed to remind ourselves, This is the same person I married; I just learned something more about him/her." Bill Stonebraker of Montana shared, "If we can't agree on an important issue, both of us pray, 'God, if I'm wrong, change my heart.' Usually God ends up changing both our hearts." Keep reading for more insightful responses.
Laughter
The ability to laugh at ourselves or our situation has allowed us to keep things in perspective over the years. Sure we argue from time to time, but the overall theme of our marriage is joy and laughter.
—Darci and John Engle, Tennessee, married 10 years
Teamwork
We've always seen ourselves as a team. There isn't a "your side" and a "my side"—it always needs to be "our side." This attitude keeps our entire family strong.
—Cynthia and Jeff Jobe, California, married 25 years
Breathing Room
We allow each other our own space and way of doing things as much as possible. I let him be him and he lets me be me.
—Richard and Ruth Ann Danielson, Washington, married 38 years
Talking
I know this is cliché, but our secret really is communication. Lack of communication at best says, We don't need to talk, we already know everything about each other. How arrogant! A lifetime isn't enough to fully understand each other. At worst it says, I don't think my spouse is worth the effort of trying to understand; I've given up. It's only a short step from there to, We have nothing in common; we might as well end it. So we really make a point of keeping up the talking!
—Jai and Faith-Anne Reid, Ontario, Canada, married 12 years
Commitment
Knowing we're in it until death do us part means we're committed to our marriage and know we'll always work to resolve our differences. We made a vow before God, and we know that God's plan is for us to remain together forever.
—Erin and Mark Horaski, Washington, married 14 years
Perspective
Are we arguing to resolve the conflict or win the fight? When we give an honest answer to that question, it helps us put the disagreement in perspective.
—Phyllis and Bob Schlageter, Indiana, married 29 years
Partnership
From the beginning we viewed our marriage like a business partnership where each spouse brings a certain expertise. As in any good business, communication is a must. We also have to allow for growth, more in some areas than others depending on the season. We must be flexible to change—after all, life is a movement in the market of time, and changes will occur. So we have to expect the unexpected. These points aren't always easy to follow, but they work for us.
—David and Renée Steedly, Georgia, married 17 years
Effort
We're emotionally naked with each other. That kind of connection is built on trust, honesty, love, and effort—lots and lots of effort on both our parts. We don't believe in 50/50. We believe in 100/100.
—David and Ashley Hanson, Texas, married less than 1 year
Enjoy
Discover your spouse. Figure out what lights up his or her eyes and try to do something small every day to make that happen.
—Teresa and Mike Eastwood, Washington, married 3 years
Self-Sacrifice
We've learned to joyfully do the things the other doesn't enjoy doing. She makes dinner; I do the full clean up. I take care of car maintenance; she cleans the house. We share most things without needing to keep a tally of who did what.
—Bill and Carolyn Norris, British Columbia, Canada, married 30 years
Dedication
Make your mate's needs your complete focus. Since this is a two-way street, your mate will be meeting your needs as you are meeting his or hers. It takes dedication, but the rewards are overwhelming.
—Michael and Jeanne Berry, Washington, married 30 years
Code Words
We have a few code phrases for when things start to get tense. They never fail to make us laugh at ourselves and remember we're in this by choice. Things such as, "Making diamonds, honey?" which means, You're being really uptight! Or "Be like a duck, honey"—let it roll off your back.
—Joe and Jaylene Lynch, Washington, married 5 years
Prioritize
Make your spouse your number one priority—even before yourself!
—Carm and Michelle Fenech, Malta, married 28 years
Bonding Time
When we had kids, we realized we weren't spending as much time together because we couldn't afford to get out as much. We established Thursday nights as on-the-couch date nights. After we put our three kids to bed, we eye each other and break into a huge grin. We put on our comfies, make popcorn, and cozy up on the couch to watch our favorite tv shows.
Our friends and family know about our sacred Thursdays and have stopped calling (we don't pick up) or trying to make plans with us for that night. It's a great bonding time, and you'd be amazed at how much talking can take place during commercials. It forces us to get straight to the point!
—Debbie Kroeker and Kevin Kilbrei, Manitoba, Canada, married 10 years
Four Phrases
We always try to live by four three-word phrases my wife's grand-father told us when he performed our wedding ceremony. He told us to say them every day and with a tender heart:
(1) I love you.
(2) I'm sorry.
(3) Please forgive me.
(4) Let's try again.
—Jerry and Janelle Banks, North Carolina, married 11 years
"The List"
Each month we write a list of things we'd like our spouse to do for us. It's always something we'd enjoy, usually one item per week. We print our lists and hang them on the bathroom mirror as a daily reminder.
—Angie and Keith Alford, Georgia, married 2 years
Don't Take for Granted
I'm an Army officer and have been in life-threatening situations many times. Afterward, I'm always struck by the overwhelming relief that my last words to my wife were not harsh. Each dangerous event serves as a constant reminder to avoid conflict with my wife and constantly show her how much I love her. The bottom line is that most things just aren't important enough to fight over.
Labels: marriage success
How to Have a Happy Marriage
What Makes a Marriage Work?
By AnnaB, published Dec 20, 2006
What do you think makes a happy home, or a happy marriage for that matter? How do you know whether or not you have a good marriage or a bad one? (Well if your spouse is abusive then it is pretty clear cut, or if your spouse is cheating) but other than the obvious how do you know? Well since I have now been married for a long time almost twenty years, I feel like I am a little bit qualified to answer these questions.
First it is important to realize that marriage is a two way street and if you are the type that wants to be in control or who wants to have their own way all the time you are going to be unhappy, even depressed at times. And you will eventually drive each other away.
The key to a long and happy marriage is to listen, with your mouth shut. And that can be difficult for some people because of wanting to get the last word in. Another thing is to not say "I told you so" when you spouse does or does not do something that you told them would lead to x, y, or z. It is better to say nothing and let it go. Because more than likely your spouse does not need to be reminded that you were right and they were wrong.
Also don't keep track of who does what and try to divide everything fifty-fifty, that will not work. Instead if you see something that needs doing just do it, Even if your spouse could do it. At least that way, things do not stay a mess.
Tell each other that you love each other everyday, even if you are mad at each other. Don't take each other for granted. Do small favors for each other. If you know your spouse has had a hard day, try to do something special for them even if it is just bringing them a hot cup of coffee and a sandwich.
Marriage is about giving, not about taking. Try to find ways to show your spouse that you care for and love them. Whether it is a backrub or reading something out loud to each other, going for a walk or on occasion buying something, work at showing each other you love each other.
Labels: marriage success
JERRY ZEZIMA
STAMFORD ADVOCATE
Now that my wife and I have been married for 30 years, family and friends have suggested that, for putting up with me for so long, Sue deserves to be the first living person canonized by the Catholic Church. I, they add, deserve to be shot from a cannon.
What is the secret of our long and happy marriage? The answer, according to researchers at the University of Michigan, is that we get on each other's nerves.
In a recent study, the researchers found that, as a couple ages, a lifetime of closeness rubs up a rash of irritations. Participants in the study, which was presented at the Gerontological Society of America, were asked who in their lives – spouse, children or friends – "gets on my nerves" or "makes too many demands on me." The older the couple, the more likely the answer was "spouse."
Strangely enough, rubbing each other the wrong way might be the right way to conduct a marriage. One of the reasons couples quarrel is that they are closer and more comfortable with each other. As we age, the researchers concluded, "It could be that we're more able to express ourselves to each other."
Sue and I seldom quarrel, not only because I know I will lose but also because I am almost always wrong. Even Sue will concede that I am right about this.
Nonetheless, I risked getting on her nerves by conducting my own study on our 30th anniversary.
We celebrated by going out to lunch. Sue thinks I am perpetually out to lunch, but it was nice to be together without quarrelling.
When we got home, I began my study by asking Sue to list all the things about me that irritate her. She responded immediately.
"You get on my nerves all the time," Sue said. "You are the only person I know who can look busy every day and do nothing."
This rubbed me the wrong way. "That's a great skill," I replied defensively. "Not everyone could pull it off."
This rubbed Sue the wrong way. "You go upstairs and sit in your office for a while then you take a shower. Or you go outside and putz around, then you come back in and take a shower. By then, it's cocktail time and you've done nothing."
"All that putzing and showering can build up a thirst," I said.
Then I asked Sue if I have any good points. She didn't respond immediately. Finally, she said, "When I give you a list of chores, you do them. Only recently did you take the initiative to do the laundry. You do empty the dishwasher and I don't even have to tell you. And you do vacuum the house. You're always very proud of yourself and I have to say, `Good job, dear,' and that makes both of us happy."
Sue admitted that I don't always do nothing. "You do have a lot of positives. You are caring and loving and you're always good for a laugh. And you're a great father. I love you, dear."
She asked me what it is about her that rubs me the wrong way. I could think of only one thing. "You don't put the cap back on the toothpaste," I said. "Even on those tubes with the attached tops, you never snap them shut. Then you put the tube face down on the vanity, which gets all messed up. It's really annoying."
"I don't care about the stupid toothpaste," Sue shot back. "Deal with it."
Another argument lost. But I saved the day by listing all of Sue's positives, which include being loving, kind, generous, thoughtful and extremely beautiful and sexy. "I love you, too, dear," I said, giving her a kiss. I poured each of us a glass of wine and set the table for a romantic candlelit dinner, even though it was still light out.
Sue had the rest of the chicken salad sandwich she couldn't finish at lunch and I had some leftover chicken wings that had been in the freezer since the Super Bowl. Afterward, I helped her do the dishes.
That night, just before bed, Sue left the cap off the toothpaste again. I didn't let it get on my nerves. Now that's the real secret of a long and happy marriage.
Labels: marriage success
Healthy marriage partners are compatible partners
In a marriage that is to stand the test of time, romance is important, but compatibility is critical. By and large, partners in healthy marriages come to agree upon common agendas regarding the directions their marriage will take, and the way each partner will behave. These common agreements may never have been discussed, but they will be present implicitly in how each partner chooses to act.
Areas of agreement that partners will have dealt with will generally include:
Friendship. Successful partners develop a significant friendship at the core of their relationship. They genuinely like one another, amuse and comfort one another, and prefer to spend time with each other. This friendship and mutual liking is somewhat separate from other aspects of the relationship (sexuality, for instance), and can survive the loss of these other aspects of the relationship. A strong friendship and mutual liking is often the basis for repair of troubled relationships.
Role expectations. The partners reach agreement with regard to how household responsibilities are divided and how they will behave towards each other. Traditionally, and still dominantly, the male or masculine-identified partner will take on the majority of financial obligations, while the female or feminine-identified partner will take on nurturing roles. Tradition has broken down significantly in the industrialized west over the last century, however, and it is not at all uncommon to find 'women' who take on financial obligations, 'men' who take on nurturing roles, or to find both partners sharing these roles to one degree or another. Failure to reach agreement with regard to roles can be a major source of conflict.
Emotional intimacy. Successful partners learn to trust each other, to be vulnerable with each other, to laugh together, and to support one another in times of need.
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Sexual expectations. Partners come to basic agreements as to how they will be sexual with each other. Frequently (traditionally) this means that they will be sexual with one another, and not with other people, but this is not necessarily the case. Sexual expectations may further dictate the kinds and patterns of sexual activities that each partner will and will not engage in. Coming to agreement with regard to sexuality can increase trust that couples feel for each other, and failure to reach agreement can be cause for conflict. As sexual activity is strongly rewarding and bonding for couples, it is best for marriages when partners agree upon sexual expectations and are both satisfied with their lovemaking.
Vision/Goals. Successful partners agree that they want to pursue the same life paths, values and goals and mutually commit to those paths, values and goals. Examples might include decisions to have children or not, to attend or not attend religious services, to raise a child in a particular faith, to save or spend money, or to live frugally or extravagantly, etc.
Successful marriages tend to be populated by partners who come to their marriage with pre-existing significant compatibilities (of personality, temperament, goals, etc.) that make it easier for them to reach agreement because they frequently end up wanting the same thing. They may share commonalities with regard to personality, temperament, or preferences for volatile or conflict-avoiding interactions, as well as goals, religious and ethical ideals, etc.
While these areas of agreement do tend to be present in healthy marriages, we should note that no marriage is perfect, and that many perfectly good marriages harbor disagreements with regard to some of the domains we've discussed. In general, however, the more domains you and your partner are in agreement on, the better are your chances for a healthy marriage.
Background factors play a minor role in determining marriage success.
Personality, temperament and goal compatibility is very important in determining whether a marriage will be strong. Other background factors are also important, however. Better marriages are reported by people who chose to marry later in life as opposed to younger, by people who recall being very intensely in love with their partners prior to getting married, and by people who maintain close family relationships and whose parents' approved of their marriage. Also, people identified with more traditional sex-role and religious values tend to report having higher quality marriages overall (although it isn't clear that such people aren't just reporting positive outcomes based on their desire to present themselves in a positive light). When all factors relating to marital adjustment are considered together, personality and life-goal compatibility seems to be of paramount importance, and background factors such as whether partners come from similar family, religious or economic backgrounds or whether they have similar dating histories appear to be of lessor importance.
Labels: marriage success
Eight Keys to a Happier Marriage
Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Collis Ta’eed of FreelanceSwitch.
Newly weds are often asked ‘how’s married life?’ As with everything in life, the answer depends on you. For some, marriage is another word for frustration and even misery. For others it is the bedrock of strength and support they build the rest of their lives around.
What are the differences that lead such a fundamental part of daily life down two totally opposing avenues? I don’t pretend to have all the answers, but I can share with you the things that have helped me in my years of marriage to what I feel is a very strong and happy relationship.
1. Work on Your Marriage. Like most of us, I learnt what I know about marriage from my parents. When my father once said to me ‘marriage requires attention, the moment you stop working on your marriage is the moment it begins to falter’ I can remember thinking, this didn’t sound very much like the movies. After all a wedding is the culmination of a movie, that’s when everything is all sorted out and you don’t have to worry about anything any more, right? Alas, like in many other things, my father has proven correct.
As we’ll discuss in the proceeding paragraphs, maintaining a healthy marriage requires sacrifices, attention and care. It helps to think of your marriage as a living thing in itself. Like all living things, it needs nourishment and protection, healing when it is sick, and space to grow and flourish.
These are all nice words, but what does that mean on a practical level? It means you need to always think about your marriage and not take it for granted. It means you need to be vigilant against things that might threaten it, not just the obvious things like temptation, but the subtle things like imbalances in responsibility and duty, comparisons to others, jealousy and so on. It means you need to nourish your marriage with thoughtfulness for the other’s needs, find time together and sometimes even time apart. It means when things are going wrong you need to stop and think about how you can improve them and perhaps what sacrifices you need to make. It means that a marriage needs to go forward, to change as you both change and to grow stronger.
2. Don’t Leave Things Unsaid. I watched a movie once – I think it was one of those British romantic comedies – where a man is asked why his marriage failed and he replies “Because we left too many things unsaid” and though I don’t normally take advice from movies, this one I took to heart.
If you don’t voice your problems they have nowhere to go. Worse if you voice them to people not in your marriage – i.e. friends, coworkers, anyone else – then instead of airing your dirty laundry you let it fester.
No matter how long two people have known each other there will still be things that they don’t pick up when unspoken. Sure you may think your partner knows what you’re thinking, but what if they don’t? Which leads us to number 3…
3. Speak Plainly. The very worst thing you can do in a relationship is play games with each other. No, not the twister or monopoly varieties, I mean mind games. It’s tempting when you are in a bad mood or when you don’t want to be hurt to be passive aggressive, to not say what you mean, to make veiled hints in order to test the other person and so on. Tempting, but it doesn’t go anywhere except sour.
I think it’s fairly obvious why clear communication leads to a better marriage, and yet it can be difficult to do. But if you have something to say, whether it is to voice some upset, to show that you care or anything else, then you must speak plainly if you hope for the other person to understand. And if you weren’t hoping for them to understand, why are you talking?
Speaking indirectly usually begins during dating or courting. We do it because it avoids us opening up to being hurt. At this early stage if you were to tell someone how much you liked them and they shot you down it would be painful. So to compensate we move slowly and only hint at our feelings until we see enough back from the other person that we start to open up. This is OK.
The problem is when speaking indirectly continues on into the relationship. At that point you should be able to trust the person enough to express your feelings. If they abuse them then you leave. By keeping your guard up you only put huge barriers in the middle of your relationship.
Speaking indirectly is also a bad idea when one person just doesn’t get it. When you have one partner playing games and the other doesn’t really understand their behaviour at times they will begin to resent the other and inevitably this will lead to problems.
Passive aggression on the other hand is when a partner rather than voicing their upsets appears to be smiling, calm, and usually puts bite into words that shouldn’t have it. Over time passive aggression can become less and less veiled and turn into exasperation, distain even disgust.
Another bad habit is what is called stonewalling. This is when a partner simply shuts the other out, going silent, ignoring them or even leaving for a time. Stonewalling has obvious consequences of frustration and anger and quickly leads to cycles of increasing problems as one person stonewalls while the other becomes more and more frustrated, then becomes less and less reasonable leading to further stonewalling.
If you only take one thing away from my words, let it be to speak plainly, avoid passive aggression, avoid games and avoid speaking indirectly. When you say what you mean and communicate your feelings clearly the other person has a proper chance to respond.
4. Be Vulnerable. Too often we don’t want to put our feelings and thoughts out there. Particularly if we’ve had bad experiences when younger, or if simply taught to be that way by watching our parents and peers. Admitting that you are vulnerable – everyone is – is the corollary to speaking plainly.
It is important to remember that this is your partner and they love you and you love them. Between the two of you, if you both speak plainly and admit vulnerability, then you will be able to resolve problems. It may take time, you may have many hurdles to get over, but what other recourse is there than resolution? After all neither of you are out to get the other - remember you love each other!
The flipside to being vulnerable is you get hurt sometimes. Don’t let this close you off, remember this just means that wasn’t the right person, circumstances or perhaps even a little closer to home, there were other things going wrong. Whatever the case, you don’t need to hide away. Without being open to hurt, you won’t be open to the joys of marriage and relationships.
5. Accept your Partner. It is tempting to find a person and try to shape them into the partner you really want. Trying to change a person never works. People know when they are not accepted in their entirety and it hurts.
You shouldn’t go into a marriage or a relationship thinking to change someone. And if you do remember the most you can do is explain what it is, explain how it affects you or why it affects you and if it’s important, then they may change. And if they don’t, then think about all the things that they may wish changed in you.
Of course if there are too many things you want to change, it is important to face that this may not be the right person for you, or you may be expecting too much. People will be what they will be, spending your marriage life trying to shift habits and personalities is like trying to push boulders up a mountain, tiring and not very fun.
6. Spend Time Together. It’s obvious, but a relationship without any face time is going to have problems. I have met happy couples who spend months apart because of work commitments, but they are few and far between and more often than not, their happiness is more a testament to their character and emotional abilities than anything else.
Of course spending time together doesn’t simply mean being in the same room, it means actively finding time where you engage with each other. It may even take work and effort, but remember from above, a happy marriage takes work!
Spending time together, also often entails spending some time alone. Children, even pets can sometimes be barriers to engaging with one another. Even if you simply have a few moments while they run off, it’s important to be alone too.
7. Make Time for Both Your Ambitions and Goals. It is all too easy to focus on your own goals and ambitions and hope or even assume that your partner shares them. If you don’t know what your partner’s life goals are, ask them.
In my marriage, I have goals that are to do largely with working, whereas my wife wants to travel the world. If we did either and not the other, one of us would feel unfulfilled. The solution is of course balance. We try to do one then a little of the other, then switch.
8. Be Clear and Assertive. While it is important to be vulnerable, to make sure your partners goals are being looked after, that you accept your partner and all the other things we’ve talked about, it’s equally important not to be trampled over. You should always be clear and assertive about your own feelings, your own needs and your own goals. Remember that your own happiness is essential to a happy marriage.
Labels: marriage success