Spending Addiction: How to Save Your Marriage
By: Tracia Graham (View Profile)
Money can be the source of financial stress, resentment, and arguments for many couples. Many marriages have caved in under the pressure of too much debt, poor investment choices, spending addictions, or overspending to maintain a lifestyle that is financially inappropriate. In this article I’m going to discuss spending addictions.
You know you have a spending addiction when you shop compulsively causing either your savings to diminish or the amount of money you owe on your credit cards continues to increase. You may have a habit of not telling the truth about what things cost, hiding your purchases, and possibly hiding the increasing credit card debt from your spouse. Your spouse may not be aware that you have even applied for new credit cards using their social security number. Because of your inability to stop overspending you are immersed in feelings of guilt and loathing for yourself.
You may have a difficult time asking for help because underneath you feel you are a selfish person as you watch other family members suffer as a result of your addiction. For instance your spouse works longer hours to help pay for your increased spending or you are unable to afford dental work for your child. You may even feel that, since it’s impossible for you to keep to a budget, that any type of help would be useless.
Spending addictions can be compared to food addictions—the more a person diets often the more weight they gain, as it is with a spending addiction. Often the more you try to control the addiction, the more you spend until you are faced with zero remaining credit and there is nowhere else for you to finagle the money that allows you to feed your spending habit.
People who have spending addictions are in fact not selfish people, as sometimes they might believe about themselves. Rather, they are usually selfless. What I mean by this is that they have very little sense of who they are and who they are is often the most wonderful, loving, creative, and gregarious people who simply lack a developed sense of self. This is the reason why budgets don’t work long term for an addictive spender. The budget forces them into an unnatural state since the budget doesn’t address the true issue —the issue of “selflessness.” A spender may even find creative ways to continue their addiction while giving the appearance of conforming to a budget.
Spending addiction is the most difficult financial issue a marriage can face and has been the result of many divorces. As the unknowing spouse begins to learn of the addiction they may feel that it’s negatively impacting their financial future and a battle they can’t win and instead choose to leave the marriage.
I recommend the Financial Wellness Coaching for a spending addiction; it can not only save your marriage but you’ll also come away with a greater sense of yourself. You will begin to expand more into your life as a result of this internal transformational work rather than shrinking as feelings of self-loathing take hold over you. As you gain a greater sense of yourself, your addictive spending habits will slide away and you’ll experience a greater vision of life, family, joy, and self acceptance.
Labels: marriage-money
How To Save Your Troubled Marriage.
There are many ways of saving a troubled marriage. If you feel that the spark has gone out of your relationship, discover in this article how to re-ignite the flame.
Do you feel that something is amiss in your marriage? Or that your marriage has reached a stalemate? Its time to re-connect to get back the magic of your early relationship.
Show appreciation of each other. A marital stalemate happens when both parties take each other for granted. Get physical. Relive the excitement and romance of your courtship by holding hands, hugging, complimenting each other and setting time aside special quality time to be together. If you have kids, hire a baby-sitter for that romantic evening out.
Its time to confront those troubling issues.Discuss it calmly over a cuppa tea. Air your dissatisfactions but make suggestions on how to improve the relationship.For every action, there is reaction. Quit finger-pointing as this puts people on the defensive and unreceptive to whatever you say. A little tact can wonders.
If the table between the two of you is too short a distance to prevent a shouting match, then get a counselor.The professional acts as a mediator and works ,to become instrumental in resolving marital conflict.In short, make love, not war.
Build a bridge over troubled waters. Communication or the lack of it is a major factor in marriage breakdowns. Practice effective listening by responding to each other's needs. All talk and no action makes a dull marriage. Be committed towards saving your troubled marriage. A little attention can work wonders.
De-stress before you step home. Discard your excess baggage of work stresses when you leave the office. Keep the sanctity and sanctuary of your home. You need to connect to your partner and kids in the domestic scene. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Make daily re-unions pleasant times to come to.
Re-discover your marriage. Bring it to deeper level of love.The rewards last a life-time.
Labels: marriage conflict
14 Ways To Affair Proof Your Marriage
March 13, 2008
Many people look at infidelity as if it was a natural disaster; no one could see it coming; it just inexplicably happened. Perhaps this is because we are a country that has abdicated its belief in personal responsibility. The truth is that not only can men see it coming, they can prevent it from happening as well.
It is possible to affair proof your marriage. Will it be a lot of work? Yes. But that’s what you signed up for when you decided to marry your sweetheart.
What is cheating?
Before we begin our discussion on how to immunize your marriage against infidelity, we should establish what constitutes cheating. Having sex with another woman other than your wife is obviously cheating. But it’s also possible to be unfaithful without having to go that far. Infidelity has shades of gray that should likewise be avoided. It is possible to be emotionally unfaithful without crossing any physical boundaries. A perfect example of this is online infidelity. More and more married men are having online romantic and sometimes sexual relationships with women other than their wife. While there’s no physical contact, I would definitely say this is cheating. Men who “date” online are violating a trust that their wife has put in them to be faithful-both body and mind.
Now let’s get down to business. Here are 14 ways to affair proof your marriage:
Make your Marriage Your #1 Priority
This past summer my wife and I spent a week in Montpelier, Vermont. If you were to picture the ideal small American town, Montpelier would be it. It’s an absolutely charming place. One of the town’s tourist brochures carried the tagline: “Places like this don’t just happen.” The citizens of Montpelier have put in a lot of work to maintain the town’s magic.
Similarly, successful marriages don’t just happen. You have to be willing to put in the effort. This is especially true as couples get busier with careers, kids, or community activities. Those things are important, but if you want a strong marriage, your wife must come first.
Keep dating your wife. We’ve written about this before, but it deserves repeating. Establish a weekly “date night” with your wife and treat this time as sacred. Your dates don’t have to be fancy, but you do need to work to keep them fresh. A recent study showed that injecting novelty into your dates can bring back the butterflies you experienced when you were first courting. So visit a new restaurant, try a new hobby, or take a class together.
Quit the porn. Bringing porn into a relationship is not healthy. It’s like bringing another woman into your marriage, except she’s glossy and airbrushed. Porn will only create an unrealistic expectation in your mind about your spouse’s libido, body, and comfort level with weird sex positions. Pretty soon you’ll find that your wife isn’t satisfying you and your eyes will start to wander. Dump the porn.
Focus on being romantic. Any woman will tell you it doesn’t take much to be romantic. A romantic letter or email only takes a few minutes to write. Flowers are always welcome, even if you picked them up from the grocery store on the way home. These small gestures show your wife that you’ve thought of her and help you reinforce your commitment to your wife.
Initiate affection. Studies show that couples who are affectionate with each other stay together. Make an effort to initiate spontaneous affection with your wife. Give her a hug or surprise kiss and tell her how much you love her. Hold hands with her when you’re out together. Also, don’t make your wife cuddle-rape you. Invite cuddling with her without making it a precursor to sex. These small gestures will help strengthen the physical connection that every relationship needs.
Have sex regularly. Many men stray because they’ve gotten bored with their sex life with their wife. It’s pretty easy to get into a slump in your sex life when you’re married. Things just get busy and by the end of the day, couples are just too tired for it. Make sex with your wife a priority. It doesn’t have to involve kama sutra and edible underwear. Just do it. Frequent sexual encounters with your wife will strengthen your emotional and physical attraction to her.
Spend time just talking. Find some time each day to have meaningful conversations with your wife. If you have kiddos, do it after you put them in bed. Talk about what you did during the day. Discuss what you’ve been thinking about lately. Share your dreams with them. The idea is to deepen the bond between to you and your wife. It’s harder to cheat on her when you’ve made such an emotional investment. Deposit into this investment by frequently engaging in meaningful conversations.
Share a common interest. A big reason men stray from their wives is that they begin to find less and less in common with them. When you first started dating, you probably had everything in common. Well, at least you thought you did. So you would spend lots of time together doing things you both enjoyed. Then you got married and started working and your wife either started working too or stayed home to take care of the kids. Pretty soon there begins to be much fewer areas in which your lives overlap.
Avoid this by maintaining a common interest or hobby with your wife. For example, my in-laws do ballroom dancing lessons. Every weekend they’re out dancing. When they’re at home in the evenings they practice in the living room. My wife and I have made it a goal run in a 5K and we’ve started to run together. We also have this blog that we do together. Just find something that both of you can enjoy and participate in it together.
Have a sense of honor and duty. Remember that when you got married you made a sacred promise or vow that you would be faithful to your wife. There was a time when a gentleman was judged on whether or not he was a man of his word. Sadly, people today don’t take those sorts of things seriously. Many people feel justified in breaking their promises when something stops being easy and pleasurable. Buck the trend. Be a man of your word. The honorable thing is to fulfill the duty to your wife that you freely took upon yourself the day you got married. I know some will say, “You shouldn’t stay in a terrible marriage just to avoid breaking your vows.” Perhaps not, but you do have the duty to do everything you can to save that marriage before calling it quits. And I mean everything.
Establish boundaries
Many men feel they are manly enough to handle any situation with a woman. For them, setting firm boundaries reeks of weakness or unnecessary zealotry. But that is what every man thinks right before they take it too far. Far better to be safe than sorry. If people think you are a prude, so be it. You are prude going home to the love of your life each night with a head held high.
In your quest to avoid temptation, it should be understood that there’s nothing wrong with having friendships with other women. In fact, it’s inevitable. You probably work closely with other women at work or school. The key is to know where to draw the line and then to stay as far away from it as possible. This will require you to do some serious introspection and figure out what your boundaries are. Here some things you can do to help you in that process.
Establish boundaries with your wife. Sit down with your wife and find out what she’s comfortable with in regards to your relationships with other women and vice versa. It will be different with each couple. For example, you might make it rule that neither of you will drive or ride alone in a car (unless absolutely necessary) or dance with a member of the opposite sex.
Evaluate your vulnerabilities. Sit down with your wife and evaluate your vulnerabilities. Many people don’t realize that they may have personality traits that open themselves up for infidelity. These traits don’t have to be bad either. For example, you might naturally be an empathetic listener. There’s nothing wrong with that, but some women may take this attention the wrong way.
How do you know if you’ve crossed the line between friendship and something more?
There are three signs that indicate that you may have crossed the line into infidelity:
1) Emotional intimacy
Do you find yourself sharing more of your feelings and thoughts with your female friend than with your wife?
2) Sexual tension
You instinctively know when it is present. Huge red flag. Don’t rationalize it away.
3) Secrecy
Do you close your email window when you wife walks by? Do you leave out details of your day because they include encounters with your friend? The minute you fudge anything about your relationship with your female friend, you’ve stepped over the line.
If you see any of these signs, it’s time to re-evaluate your friendship with that other woman. You may need be broaden your boundaries in order to avoid any temptation in the future.
Avoid temptation
Meet in groups, if possible. If you know you can’t handle situations of being alone with another woman without it crossing the line, avoid being alone with another woman.
Avoid frequent conversations about your personal life. Many an affair begins when people start talking about their problems with another woman besides their wife. They feel like the other person understands them better than their wife. They feel a closer connection with them, so they start spending more time with them. If not checked, it may eventually lead to infidelity. Not always, but why risk it?
Stay away from online dating sites. A recent study shows that a large percentage of men who surf online dating sites are married. Virtual affairs are still affairs.
It’s harder to cheat on your wife than stay faithful
Think about the consequences. It’s actually much harder to cheat on your wife than it is to be faithful to her. When you’re unfaithful, you have to start sneaking around, hiding phone calls, and lying. That’s a lot of damn work. While being in a committed relationship takes a lot of work too, it pales in comparison to the rigamarole you’ll have to go through to have those few moments of excitement with another woman.
Another way cheating makes your life harder is having to deal with the consequences when you’re finally caught. Imagine having to face your children and tell them you haven’t been completely faithful to their mother. Imagine the look of hurt and sadness you’ll see in the eyes of the woman you told you would love forever. If that doesn’t make your stomach sink a bit, you’re a giant douchebag.
Conclusion
Making your marriage affair proof requires a large investment of time and emotional capital. But the investment is well worth it. Set high standards for your marriage and for yourself. Man up and you’ll never stray.
Labels: marriage conflict
Steps to Saving your Relationship & Marriage
There are times when a relationship reaches a point where either you, your partner or both of you feel that you can no longer proceed with your relationship. Though this may be so, the two of you still have a connection and really do want to make your relationship work, but do not know exactly how to approach the rescue. If your relationship is going through a rocky period, but you do not want to lose your partner and wish to make things better and continue to build a strong bond together, then consider the following steps to save your relationship:
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1. Acknowledge the Reasons for your Rocky Period. Most of the times, couples break up because they are having problems or feel they can no longer get along, but never really acknowledge what the true problem was. It is important that you both know what the root of your conflicts are so that you both see a clear picture of what is going on and where it all came from and why.
2. Be Rational, Reasonable & Calm. When a couple is experiencing conflicts and hard times, there all kinds of emotions flying around, which can cause one or both of you to act irrationally, and say or do things that will only worsen your already frustrating situation. Though it can be very challenging, it is essential that you make a real effort to stay calm and think rationally, as well as speak rationally. Your partner may be acting completely uncooperative, and that is exactly when you need to take charge of the situation and make sure that things do not get out of hand. Be patient and hear everything your partner has to say before you take your turn in speaking. Make sure you do not say things that you will regret later.
3. Use Space to your Relationship�s Advantage. If your rational, reasonable and calm approach does not work and you notice that the two of you are getting nowhere at the current time, then take some time apart. It may be hard for you to do and go through, but it really would be doing your relationship good. Many people get overly emotional when they are having problems with their lovers and want to work out their problem right away and do will not leave their partner alone until they do, but this id definitely the wrong way to go about it. The only thing that will happen is frustrating your partner more, making him or her feel more pressured and therefore pushing your relationship further back instead of forward. Take some time apart so that you both have the space to think on your own and set your emotions and thoughts in order.
4. Agree to Disagree. The next time you and your partner feel ready to attempt another rational discussion, be sure to agree to disagree first. It is important that you both remember that although you may be one as a couple, you are still both very much individuals with your own thoughts and beliefs about certain things. Make an agreement that being different does mean you both are incompatible, but what it does mean is that you are both unique in your own ways and will respect your differences and use those differences as a way to better your relationship instead of trying to change each other.
5. Find a Middle Ground. There are probably some things you would prefer your partner not do and vice versa, but the fact of the matter is, you cannot change your partner�s personalities or hobbies. What you must do is find a middle ground where you both feel more secure and comfortable with certain situations where you can both trust each other and feel that your relationship is safe from any damage or harm.
6. Work as a Team. Saving a Relationship and maintaining it requires effort from both of you, not just one of you. If your partner shows no interest or effort in making your relationship work, it would be best to leave him or her alone until he or she figures out just how important saving the relationship is. Sometimes the results will be painful for you and they will not want to have a relationship anymore. However, it could very well be that they realize how important sharing their life with you is, and will eventually come to you-ready to give full cooperation in mending your wounded relationship.
7. Patience is Key. Do not panic! Relationships are very fragile when they are going through a rocky period and cannot be repaired in a day. Do not feel afraid or depressed if things do not go at a pace of your expectation. There is no spell or psychic who can predict your future or make things better. The only thing that will give you real and honest results is time, patience and effort. If you truly want this to work out, then it will be worth the wait. Keep in mind that no matter what happens, you did your best and will survive regardless of what the ending results are.
8. Take it Slowly. Once you and your partner have smoothed things out, be sure to take things slowly. Rushing back into things can make your relationship an easy target to the same problems that caused your rockiness in the first place. Have a serious conversation together about what happened and work together on how you can prevent the same conflicts in the future and/or how you can handle it differently in the future if it does come to surface again. If the two of you agreed to stay together, then there is no need to rush. No of you is going anywhere.
Labels: marriage conflict
Don't let money ruin your marriage
By Dan Kadlec, Money Magazine contributing writer
(Money Magazine) -- When we married 22 years ago, my wife and I started with two old cars and not much more. I had spent my last dime on our honeymoon; she was just finishing school. At the time it seemed as if years would pass before we'd have the income to travel again. So without telling her, I began to sock away $20 a week. It was my secret vacation fund - and, it turns out, my first act of financial infidelity.
Nearly every spouse occasionally fudges numbers. My wife once brought home a fancy flat-faced kitten that cost way more than she admitted at the time. We ended up chuckling about it - and my vacation fund too, after we raided it to make ends meet one month long ago.
But like most couples, we sometimes experience more serious tension when allocating our resources. Marriage counselors say that half of all couples fight about spending and that money issues are a driving force behind most divorces. Learning to peacefully resolve such disputes may be the key to a lasting relationship.
Certainly we boomers, who are splitting up at a record clip, could use the help. Among couples who married for the first time in the 1980s - yes, that's our generation, folks - just 60% were together 15 years later. That's down dramatically from the roughly 80% of first marriages in the 1950s that lasted at least 15 years. We confront money stresses that our parents never experienced, and while these aren't the sole cause of quicker breakups, they compound tensions that may already be there.
Let's tackle these boomer marital challenges one at a time.
Dual incomes, double trouble
Boomers are the first generation to have its female members enter the work force en masse, and the benefits are obvious - greater empowerment for women and more financial security for the family.
But the accompanying shifts in the balance of power between spouses can exacerbate clashes over spending, saving and goals. If he says, "You spent how much on what?" she's now more likely to feel mad, not guilty: "Hey, I work, it's my money too, and you can't tell me what to do with it!"
With two earners under one roof, it's also a lot easier - financially speaking - to break up. "When you both make money," says Gemma Allen, a family attorney at Ladden & Allen in Chicago, "you're both more able to pack up and leave, and the temptation to do that at times is strong."
Before you think about heading for the exit, try giving yourself what's probably a long-overdue attitude adjustment. Guys, take heed: The financial rules of marriage have changed, and it's time you started acting like it. Stop behaving like Lord of the Money, with the titular right to decide how much your household should spend, where to invest and what your financial priorities should be. In the post-Ozzie and Harriet era, managing the family's money is a team sport.
And ladies, remember: While it may be easier now to pull the marital rip cord, divorce is still a financial disaster for most couples - and the wife's standard of living takes the bigger hit.
When you do discuss money issues, frame the conversation in a way that defuses emotional land mines, Allen says. Start on neutral ground, talking over coffee or lunch, perhaps; getting out of the house sets a more businesslike tone and helps both of you stay on your best behavior.
And focus on the goal, not your judgment of your partner's behavior. How you can pay off a particular credit card given your income and expenses is a fruitful topic. Debating who charged more frivolously to run up the balance in the first place is not.
(Too) great expectations
Sure, couples have always argued about how to spend money. But they have never had quite so much to argue about. We are a prosperous generation, inundated with opportunities to buy things and only too willing to believe a media blitz that declares we deserve it all.
"We are in an era of unparalleled consumption aspirations," says Pamela Smock, a researcher at the University of Michigan's Institute for Social Research. "We want the life we see all over the Internet and TV."
End the sparring over who's entitled to get more of what they want by setting a simple house rule: You are each able to spend up to, say, $250 with no questions asked. But above that limit you will consult each other. If your spouse nixes a bigger-ticket item that you want, try explaining why it's so important to you and find out why he is so resistant (you can always stomp off in a huff later).
If your husband knew you were eager to send your kids to sleepaway camp because you never got to go and feel you missed out on a great experience, he might be more open to the idea. And if you understood just how worried he was about big bills putting the family in debt, maybe you'd find a cheaper program.
The big squeeze
Our parents have lived longer than anyone expected, and they're reaching their feeble years at the worst moment - as our kids are off to college. There's a reason boomers are called the Sandwich Generation, and the financial stress of being the meat in the middle takes a toll on couples.
Part of the problem is that the expenses involved are so big they may threaten other important goals. If one spouse wants to take a leave from work to care for an ailing parent, the other may fear the move will undermine his or her own retirement prospects.
Divisions can also arise over how much support to give. Take college. Odds are, if you paid your way through college with loans, you think that's okay for your kids; if your parents paid, you want to pay. And it doesn't end: About half of kids who leave the nest move back home for a while.
You and your spouse need to find a level of help you can agree on- probably less than one of you wants and more than the other thinks you can afford. Resist the urge to make emotional entreaties and focus on finding practical solutions. Maybe you can shift to a part-time schedule instead of taking a leave. Have your kids take out loans to defray college costs, but promise to help with the payments.
Such compromises may do more than save your marriage. They can teach your kids the value of a dollar - and possibly a thing or two about how to work things out.
Labels: marriage-money
How to Save Your Marriage After Infidelity
By parvenue
Okay, there you are. YOu have your husband and his "other" woman. You don't want to lose him because you love him. How do you save your marriage? How do you go on day to day without this getting in the middle of it all? While I don't know all the answers to everything, believe it or not, I've had friends approach me with this one..I gave them a little advice and some of them are still together and so my friends, in my finite mind I pass these things on to you.
InstructionsDifficulty: Moderately Challenging
Things You’ll Need:
Patience
Trust
Courage
A frying pan
A big friend
Humor
Some support of some friends
Counselor/Priest/Psychologist
Step
1
GET THEM ALONE. This is the very first step. You've caught your husband with the drycleaner clerk, or the bowling alley waitress, or maybe with a pro. Obviously you are in no way, shape or form to speak to him right away. Go off and scream or punch something or get all the anger you can out of your system and then, when it's all done, as much as it can be, when you think you can sit in the room with him for a moment without wanting to tear his head off, arrange to have a civilized meeting. Have a third impartial person there, a mutual friend, a pastor, a priest, a cop, whomever, but someone who can referee, or at least keep you from strangling each other and then set it up and sit right down and have your heart to heart talk.
Step
2
DETERMINE. This is the next step. You need to determine if your husband is "in love" with this person, or if it was just a passing fancy. Was he drunk? What was the scenario? Will it happen again? Give him a chance to lay all of his cards on the table. Let him tell you how it happened. After you hear everything. Tell him you need some time to think. It's better if he isn't sleeping in the same house with you , and definately NOT sleeping in the same bed with you.
Step
3
Talk to your friends, a support group, and others that you know. Chances are they knew about the affair before you did. Size up the pros and cons of the relationship and then after all of this is done, if you think you can find it in your heart to forgive him. Then arrange for another meeting and tell him that you will forgive him, but that he must NEVER see this person again (or hire anyone) etcetera. Then move to the next step.
Step
4
GET Marriage counseling. Ask around and get a good counselor. If you can't afford one there are many free counseling sessions around, but make this a condition, and don't go back on it. If you want to save your marriage and keep your husband, and moreover, let him be able to keep you, then you HAVE to have a change in your relationship. Things can't go on the same. What were his reasons for cheating? Did you ever feel like cheating? Is it something you can fix? Or can you live without fixing it?
Step
5
Remember that you LOVE each other. You did get together once. There must have been some chemistry between you. Somehow you drifted apart from one another, but I'm here to tell you that it is possible to save your marriage and to repair it if you truly love one another and are both willing to do the necessary things to make it work, that my friends is the key. Love is the answer.
Labels: marriage conflict
After You've Betrayed Your Spouse
How to Save Your Marriage After Infidelity
© Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
Sep 29, 2007
Emotional affairs, multiple affairs and one-night stands are different types of marital infidelity. Here are six steps to save your marriage after infidelity.
When you've betrayed your spouse, you can take certain steps to restore trust and build a better marriage. Saving your marriage after infidelity takes courage, hard work, and honesty.
Saving your marriage also requires insight into marital infidelity. The following six steps will clarify the process of building a better marriage; marriage counseling may also be a good idea.
Six steps to saving your marriage after infidelity
1. Apologize. You're in pain. You may feel defensive, scared and confused – but a sincerely apology without excuses or rationales is the first step in saving your marriage after infidelity. No matter how unstable your marriage was before you betrayed your spouse, you were wrong to have an emotional affair, one-night stand, or multiple affairs.
2. Listen. No matter how bad it makes you feel, let your partner share feelings of betrayal, pain, disgust, rage, or frustration. Listen intently, until your partner is finished talking. Put your feelings of guilt, remorse or pain aside; saving your marriage after infidelity involves emotional sacrifice. Marriage after an affair involves painful, vulnerable communication.
3. Discuss the affair. Your spouse deserves answers. Share some details of how and why you betrayed your spouse. Discuss the affair in terms of how it came about and how you and your spouse can ensure it doesn't happen again. Talk about a plan to protect yourselves from another marital infidelity.
4. Change your lifestyle. When you betray your spouse, you're no longer free to follow your old patterns. Accepting new limits and boundaries (eg, not lunching alone with colleagues of the opposite sex) will go far in saving your marriage after infidelity. Rebuild your spouse's trust by being open to reasonable requests regarding boundaries and behavior (marriage counseling will help you both see what's reasonable).
5. Talk about your lifestyle changes. Share how your life is different now that you want to save your marriage from another marital infidelity. Ask your spouse if your changes are helpful or not. Discuss the changes you need to make.
6. Accept a long period of healing. After you've betrayed your spouse, it'll take longer than a few weeks to heal. Your spouse will normally watch you closely for at least a year after the affair. It'll take awhile to accept everyday things in stride, such as you being late for dinner or suddenly changing your plans.
Marriage counseling is helpful because of the intense, volatile emotions that often accompany marital affairs. If you betrayed your spouse and want to save your marriage, be willing to try marriage counseling.
Labels: marriage trust
Difficulty:
Marriage problems can be devastatingly painful and difficult to overcome. Knowing that you may be losing the person you love is hard on anyone. However, if there is a chance you can do something to save that relationship, then you should do whatever you can. You might feel powerless to improve the situation, but you must try. If you make no attempt to save your relationship, it will eventually end.
The good news is that as bleak as the situation may seem, there is always hope. Do your best to keep yourself together and concentrate on the immediate, positive goal of saving your marriage.
Every marital relationship is unique. In your pursuit of marital harmony and a healthier bond with your spouse, you may find the following advice very helpful.
Truly identify your problems.The only way you are going to make progress with your marital problems is if you determine what those problems are. Taking an honest look at your relationship is the first step of healing. The most important thing in this phase is complete honesty. If you attempt to downplay your problems or look for a quick fix, you do a disservice to yourself and your spouse, and ultimately set yourself up for failure.
Set goals to work towards together. Make realistic goals that you can work toward as a couple. Obviously, your ultimate goal is to stay together. However, start with mini-goals. Try to make the following goals:
We will communicate without arguing.
We will attempt to do things as a couple.
We will find an end to our problems.
We will write down our feelings and allow the other to read them.
Communicate and compromise. If you want to make your relationship last, you must be able to talk to each other. Communication is the key to any long-lasting relationship. Once you establish open dialogue, then you can begin to compromise and heal. The importance of compromise cannot be overstated. Both of you must be able to discuss your feelings and come to an agreement about what you feel the relationship needs. It is going to be a matter of give-and-take. If you have problems communicating, try looking up 'Communication Exercises' in a search engine. After exploring the results, try some promising exercises with your spouse.
Look past the petty arguments and look towards healing. If you truly want to make your marriage work, you are going to have to overlook the hurt you feel about past arguments. You need to look for solutions rather than blaming your partner. It is often much easier to resent someone than to forget arguments, find forgiveness and move on with your life. However, until you find a way to communicate constructively about your hurt, and how to heal it, you will remain stuck in the same rut.
Use mediation if necessary. Some couples benefit from professional counseling, while others find it beneficial for friends or family to mediate their communication sessions, until they can speak without arguing. Regardless of the difficulty, communication is necessary to restore your marriage. You need to rediscover what you love about each other and you need to do this without arguing or trying to inflict pain. With this in mind, having some friendly mediation can often help couples find clarity and address the destructive aspects of their behavior. This may not be necessary for every couple but it could help those that have true communication issues.
Be patient; take all the time necessary to heal. Your marital problems did not crop up overnight and they will not be healed overnight. You need to take the time to examine your marital weaknesses and strengths together. Discuss all the emotions that you both feel until you are centered and ready to begin anew.
Labels: marriage conflict
To Those Threatened By Divorce
To: Those Threatened by Divorce
From: Mike McManus
Steps You Can Take To Save Your Marriage
Marriage Savers receives many requests for information by couples who want to save their marriages. Below is a summary of several strategies that have been proven to save most marriages. First, however, it might be helpful to those of you in pain to know some facts about marriage and divorce in America, and why it is worth fighting for your marriage. Your worst enemy at this stage is despair. Remember that your best ally is God Himself! As Malachi puts it, "I hate divorce," says the Lord God of Israel." If you pray and take the practical steps outlined below, the Lord will help you restore your marriage.
Good News: Marriage is the Key to Happiness, Long Life, Wealth!
As Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher point out in their important book, The Case For Marriage, married people are healthier, happier, wealthier, live longer and have better sex than those who divorce or remain single. Oddly, this is news to our culture. Thus, secular evidence backs up Scripture. "The Lord God said, `It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him'" (Genesis 2:18). Selected data in brief:
Happiness: Married people are twice as likely as those who are single for whatever reason to say they are "very happy." Some 40% of married couples say they are very happy, compared to 15% of the separated, 18% of the divorced. What's surprising is that only 22% of the never-married and cohabitors are very happy, the same as widows.
Life: A married man at age 48 has an 88% chance of living till age 65, but a divorced man has only a 65% odds of survival! A woman aged 48 who is married has an 92% chance of living to age 65; but a divorced woman's odds are only 82%. Divorced men are twice as likely to suffer from heart attacks, cancer and four times as likely to be in automobile accidents or to commit suicide, reports J. J. Lynch in The Broken Heart.
Wealth: Married men earn 10%-40% more than single men with similar education and job histories, according to “Why Marriage Matters.” Married couples also accumulate more assets. According to The Case for Marriage, “On the verge of retirement (in 1994) the typical married couple had accumulated about $410,000 (or $205,000 per person) compared to about $167,000 for the never-married, just under $154,000 for the divorced, about $151,000 for the widowed, and just under $96,000 for the separated.”
Sex: "Married sex really is better sex," report Waite and Gallagher. "Married women are almost twice as likely as divorced or never-married women to have a sex life that (a) exists and (b) is extremely emotionally satisfying." Some 43 percent of married men had sex at least twice a week vs. only 26 percent of single men.
Marriage In America Is Disintegrating
Despite this good news, there has been an alarming disintegration of marriage in America:
Divorces tripled from 1960 and 1979, rising from 390,000 to 1,181,000. By 2006, they declined only 8.8% to 1,076,000. There were 42 million divorces from 1970 to 2006 shattering the lives of 40 million children.
A million children a year have seen their parents divorce since 1973
The marriage rate fell 50% between 1970 and 2006. There are only 2.2 million marriages a year, when there should be 3.3 million, if the same percentage of couples were marrying today as in 1970. Why?
Cohabitation skyrocketed 12-fold, from 430,000 in 1960 to 5.4 million living together in 2006. Cohabitation is the dominant way male-female unions are formed, not marriage.
Cohabitation is a double cancer of marriage. The first cancer is that for millions, cohabitation is a substitute for marriage. A quarter of unmarried women aged 25-39 are currently living with a partner, and an additional quarter have done so in the past. Yet what many call a "trial marriage" should be called a "trial divorce." The only question is whether they break up before the wedding or afterward. Of 100 couples who begin living together 40 break up before a wedding, according to the University of Wisconsin. One result: the number of never-married couples has doubled from 21 million in 1970 to 52 million in 2005, diverting 31 million from getting married at all. The second cancer is that cohabitation before marriage increases a couple's odds of divorce by 50%. First marriages divorce at a 45% rate. So instead of 45 of every 50 couples divorcing (22 couples), half again as many will do so (33 couples) – two-thirds will divorce. When added to the 45 couples who break up short of marriage, that’s an abysmal failure rate of 78 out of 100 “trial marriages,” as they are often called. Those who remarry after a failed marriage, have a 60% likelihood of divorce, whose odds are increased if they cohabit. Thus, only about a fifth of couples who begin cohabiting are still together after a decade!
Children of divorce suffer more than anyone from divorce. They are twice as likely as children with an intact family to drop out of school, three times more likely to have a baby out of wedlock, six times more likely to be in poverty or to commit suicide, and 12 times more likely to be incarcerated. Further, as Judith Wallerstein's powerful book, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, makes clear the impact of divorce on kids "grows at least into the third decade." Based on interviews of 100 children of divorce over 25 years, she reports that "From the viewpoint of the children, and counter to what happens to their parents, divorce is a cumulative experience. Its impact increases over time and rises to a crescendo in adulthood. In adulthood it affects personality, the ability to trust, expectations about relationships and ability to cope with change... Anxiety leads many into making bad choices in relationships, giving up hastily when problems arise, or avoiding relationships altogether." Only 60 of 100 children married, and 33 were already divorced.
Options To Strengthen or Save Marriages
The type of intervention depends in part upon the stage of difficulty you are in.
Moderate Problems: If the problems are poor communication and problem-solving, but where neither is considering divorce. We recommend Marriage Encounter, a weekend retreat that has been attended by 2.5 million couples, 80% of whom say it helped them to fall back in love, and to gain new respect for their spouse. A typical weekend is attended by about 20-30 couples at a weekend retreat at a motel led by three couples who tell intimate details of their marital growth. They then ask attendees to write to their spouse on an assigned subject, such as "What do I admire about you and our marriage?" "What feeling do I have that I find most difficult to share with you?" After writing, couples go to their motel room, read what each wrote and then talk. This part is utterly private. It is the exact opposite of sitting down with a therapist, and pouring your soul out to someone who doesn't know you at $100+ an hour. To learn of a Marriage Encounter near you call 1-800-795-LOVE (795-5683), or United Marriage Encounter - 1-866-483-8889.
Severe Problems: If divorce is being considered by one or both people. The best widespread answer is Retrouvaille, a French word for Rediscovery, pronounced Ret-roo-vie. It is run like Marriage Encounter except that the leaders are couples whose own marriages nearly failed. These "back-from-the-brink" couples tell their own stories of recovery from adultery, alcoholism, etc. They then assign a topic for the couples to write on, and to discuss in private. Retrouvaille is so successful, it saves 80% of the worst marriages! More than 70,000 couples have gone and found the process inspirational. The couples leading the weekend are donating their time, as in Marriage Encounter. They are doing it for the most selfless of reasons. Their own marriage has been healed and they want to help others. To learn more, Call 800 470-2230. A couple leading the program will call and tell you when the next weekend near you will be held. Cost only a modest registration fee, but they do seek contributions by those who can afford it to pay for motel bills (about $300-$400). Those who can't afford the contribution do not pay.
In trying to persuade a spouse to go to Retrouvaille, expect resistance. One person is always a "dragee." As long as they go, it makes no difference. Four out of five marriages are saved. Knowing this, Marriage Savers suggests the willing partner say something like this: "I know you are unhappy now. But a research report by the University of Chicago of couples who were so unhappy that one or the other of them considered divorce -- if they lived their vows "for better or worse," and stuck together, saved their marriages; five years later, 86% of the once unhappy marriages report their marriage is healthy and happy! Retrouvaille provides a concrete strategy to rebuild the trust at a much expanded rate, of giving hope to the hopeless. Thus, it’s saving of four out of five marriages, is a reasonable gamble for building a marriage that is rewarding to both partners. (By contrast, therapists save less than 20% of troubled marriages according to Diane Sollee, director of Smart Marriages and former Associate Director of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy.)
Say, "We have been married x number of years. I am asking you to give me one weekend to work at our marriage at a Retrouvaille weekend. If we succeed, that would be wonderful for both us and the kids. If not, we have only lost a weekend. What is the risk?"
The problem with Retrouvaille is that it is held in most cities only two or three times a year. Go to retrouvaille.org and click on weekends to see one which may be held within driving distance, at an earlier time than one in your city.
Crisis Marriage Alternative: While you are waiting to go to Retrouvaille or instead of going, Marriage Savers recommends another alternative: watch a DVD series, "Choosing Wisely…Before You Divorce," which saves more than half of marriages in crisis. It is a five-part series, best watched with a pastor, friend or mentoring couple who can help the couple talk through the issues. A Christian attorney in the first DVD says, "The worst thing you can do is to call an attorney. He will ask you to separate, stop talking to your spouse." He outlines the horror that divorcing couples go through legally. Other videos talk of the emotional and physical cost of divorce, and its impact on kids. Couples who actually separated or divorced outline what they did to reconcile. The package includes 5 45 minute DVD sections, two workbooks and a Leader’s Guide. The videos can be ordered for $65.50 by calling our offices, 301-469-5873, and can be paid for with a credit card. Pastors, therapists or Mentor Couples may prefer to order a Counselor’s Edition with three sets of workbooks for $102.
The Separated Couple: If there has been a separation, or a separation is not far off. the person left behind who is trying to save the marriage, can take a course called "Reconciling God's Way," in which a woman would ask a female friend, or a male, a male friend, to meet with the spouse an hour a week for 12 weeks. There is a Workbook for the separated spouse, and a Support Partner’s Manual so the friend knows what questions to ask each week. The cost for both is only $25 shipping. One part of the course is to read a chapter of Proverbs daily. The course uses the time of separation for personal and spiritual growth and helps the person rebuild a trust in God. The odds are better than 50-50 that the person who has run off will come back, realizing that a mistake has been made. If the person left behind has remained faithful to the marital vows, not dated, and rebuilt a self-confidence and a faith in God, he or she will be more attractive than ever to the errant spouse. Reconciliation happens 50%-70%. If you want to order Reconciling God's Way manuals, Call us at 301-469-5873.
Must Reading:
For the person fearful of divorce, Marriage Savers recommends a book by Michele Weiner Davis: The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage. As Howard Markman, author of Fighting For Your Marriage, put it, "If you are thinking of divorce -- stop. Put the process on hold and read Michele’s book. It will give you both the hope and the tools that you can use to not only save your marriage, but to have a great love relationship over a lifetime." I would add that her seven steps are practical, not obvious, and a proven strategy to reconstruct a deeply troubled marriage. Michelle Weiner-Davis outlines steps you can take to restore a marriage, even if your own partner is not interested in taking any steps. You can change the character of your marriage, by changing yourself.
A version of this book targeted at women, also by Michele Weiner-Davis, is called Getting Through To the Man You Love: The No-Nonsense, No-Nagging Guide for Women. This book is particularly helpful to women, who file two-thirds of all divorces. Here is a typical paragraph:
"By blaming your partner and not seeing your own role in your relationship dilemma, you might inadvertently by pushing his buttons and bringing out the worst in him. Also, you’re so focused on his mistreatment of you, you start playing the blame game. You think he’s to blame, so you wait for him to change. He thinks you’re to blame, so he waits for you to change. In the meantime, nothing changes."
Michelle tells women how to take the initiative to end this stalemate. It empowers women to be marriage healers rather than marriage destroyers. Both of Ms. Davis’ books are available in any good bookstore or on Amazon.com.
For those couples with children, you must read Dr. Judith Wallerstein's landmark book, cited above, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce. In following 100 children of divorce for 25 years, she discovered most of these children grew up in families "where they experienced multiple divorces and remarriages of one or both parents" plus "many cohabitations and brief love affairs," with cataclysmic consequences. Children sadly concluded that ties between men and women "can break capriciously without warning," which gives them no confidence in building relationships with the opposite sex. Consequently, they are terrified of conflict and tend to explode or run away." By ages 28-43, only 60% of these children of divorce had married and many of them had already divorced. After Dr. Wallerstein appeared on "Oprah" the book was on the best seller list.
If adultery has been part of your marriage, Dr. Stephen Judah has written an important book, Staying Together: When an Affair Pulls You Apart. When a marriage is threatened by infidelity, all parties involved can become desperate. We’re tempted to look out only for ourselves, and the marital relationship is left hanging on for dear life. Judah explores both the phenomenon of infidelity, considering both the push of marital discord and the pull of sexual temptation. With a clear and helpful analysis of the relational science behind infidelity, he delivers a tested way back toward a meaningful marriage.
For the good news about marriage and its importance to every heterosexual person, I strongly recommend A Case for Marriage by Dr. Linda Waite of the University of Chicago and Maggie Gallagher, a syndicated columnist. It proves conclusively that those who are married are far happier, healthier, wealthier and live far longer than those who are alone. If you have any doubt about the value of fighting for your marriage, this book is must reading. It can be found in any good bookstore.
For the person in a stepfamily, with children from a previous marriage, read Willing To Try Again by Dick Dunn. He has also written a Manual and prepared a CD with step-by-step help on how to create a Stepfamily Support Group that can save 80% of marriages that usually divorce at a 70% rate. To order either item visit our Online Resources page or call us at 301-469-5873. The price of Willing to Try Again is $12+ $2 postage and Developing a Stepfamily Ministry Kit is $38.
Marriage Savers: Helping Your Friends and Family Avoid Divorce is my major book which contains detail on each of the interventions outlined above. For example, Chapter 9 is about Marriage Encounter. Chapter 10 spotlights Retrouvaille and Chapter 11, Stepfamily Support Groups (among others). For those concerned about saving their marriage, the book will give you more information on these proven interventions and will help you to be persuasive to your spouse on why you should both go to Retrouvaille, for example. Chapter 2 offers detail on the consequences of divorce to both adults and children. The book also has three chapters for those who are not yet married, which make a case for chastity, for taking a premarital inventory and for being mentored by an older couple. It is an excellent book to give as a gift to a person you may be concerned about at a key stage of the marital life cycle. Marriage Savers also tells the story of how I began creating Community Marriage Policies® that are now in more than 200 cities and towns, which have brought down divorce rates in some of them by 50%.
George Gallup, the famous pollster wrote the Foreword, which begin with these eloquent words, "If a disease were to afflict the majority of a populace, spreading pain and dysfunction throughout all age groups, we would be frantically searching for reasons and solutions. Yet this particular scourge has become so endemic that it is virtually ignored. "
The scourge is divorce, an oddly neglected topic in a nation that has the worst record of broken marriages in the entire world. Divorce is a "root problem" in our country, and is the cause of any number of other social ills.
Marriage Savers has an Appendix which lists the names, phones, and addresses of 24 marriage ministries which can help couples at every stage of marriage. And it contains an Index to make it easy to find any information about marriage or divorce that may be of interest. It can be ordered for $15 + $3 postage by calling my office during office hours, and I will send a signed copy, if you ask for one. The book is out of print, unavailable in bookstores, but I have copies. Call 301-469-5873.
Insuring Marriage: 25 Proven Ways to Prevent Divorce is my short book, a parable version of Marriage Savers. Chuck Colson wrote the Foreword. It is only 112 pages long with about 800 words on each of 25 answers on how the reader can become a "Marriage Saver," someone who can transform their church from being a "wedding factory," into a place that prepares people for a lifelong marriage, strengthens existing ones, or saves troubled marriages. Each chapter is brief, the length of a newspaper column, which some of them once were, that summarize the most important ways to prevent divorce. If you have a daughter who is cohabitating, or a brother whose marriage is in trouble, you might want to buy this slender book and tell them which chapter to read. Its cost is only $6 + $1 postage. Again, it can be ordered from 301 469-5873.
Finally, any multiple orders (3 or more) of either Marriage Savers or Insuring Marriage will be sold at a 20% discount. I am passing on my discount as an author in order to help fuel the marriage movement. You could, for example, teach a Marriage Savers course giving potential Mentor Couples in your church the option of buying either book. We have produced a series of 6 videos and a 96-page Leader's Guide to Marriage Savers to make teaching easy. For more information on this Marriage Savers Resource Collection, see the Resources section of this Web Site.
Labels: marriage success
I had a very good session with my Divorce Busting Coach. He was extremely helpful. When I called him, my thoughts were scattered and foggy. He helped me start thinking more clearly and got me going in the right direction…
Abigail,
London, England
Read more
What is Divorce Busting®?
By Michele Weiner-Davis
"I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore." "We got married for all the wrong reasons." "I'm not attracted to you anymore." "Why can't you admit that we just made a mistake?" "My affair isn't the reason our marriage isn't working." "I never really loved you in the first place." "It's time to tell the kids it's over."
Does any of this sound familiar? If so, my heart goes out to you. There is little that is more painful than the feeling of love slipping through your fingers. It hurts to wake up in the morning. You feel disoriented and dizzy. Nothing else matters. Your life, your thoughts, your feelings, your entire being is about your spouse falling out of love with you. How could this happen? What went wrong? Didn't you both promise to love, honor, and cherish each other through good times and bad, through sickness and through health, for richer or for poorer until death do you part? What happened to the dreams you had for the future?
If you have come here, you are probably someone who, though hurt and devastated by your spouse's proclamation that your marriage is over, refuses to accept it as a marital death sentence. I applaud you. You know that ending a marriage is no way to solve relationship problems. You feel surer than you've ever felt about anything in your life that, no matter how tough things are right now, they can get better. And most of all, you know that to fight for your marriage is well worth it. The trouble is, your spouse doesn't know this yet. And, chances are, what you've been doing to convince him or her hasn't been working too well. That's why you're here. You want keep your marriage together but you aren't quite sure what to do next. That's why I'm glad you found your way here. I am going to help you do just that. But before I do, let me tell you a little bit about myself.
For more than two decades, I have been a marriage therapist, specializing in helping couples make their marriage work. But it wasn't always that way. Early in my career, like many therapists, I assumed that if people were unhappy in their marriage, they should just get out. After all, I told myself, life is short and we all have the right to be happy. But I soon learned the truth about divorce. It doesn't necessarily bring happiness. In fact, in most cases, divorce creates more problems than it solves.
Once I figure this out and truly took it to heart, I stopped being neutral about the benefits of working things out and the pitfalls of getting out. I became a zealot for marriage. I stopped pretending that the pain from divorce is only temporary. I grew determined to help people keep their families together. I focused all of my energies on developing methods to help couples fall back in love again. And I succeeded. I created the Divorce Busting® program; a method that has enabled me to help thousands of couples restore their love, even couples who I would have once deemed in "dead on arrival" marriages. I knew I had to spread the word and proceeded to write my best-selling book, Divorce Busting. And save marriages it did! And I've been helping people solve problems and save their marriages ever since.
If the road to marriage recovery has been a lonely one so far, that's all about to change. Even though we've never met, you'll be surprised by how well I know you and the issues with which you've been struggling. After you've spent some time on DivorceBusting.com, read the articles and first chapters posted here to get you started, you will think I've been camping out in your living room for years! Here's what you need to do to learn everything you need to know to divorce-proof your marriage. Welcome to DivorceBusting.com
Labels: marriage conflict
Baby-proofing your sex life could save your marriage
Trina Read, Calgary Herald
When planning for your first child -- or your 10th for that matter -- have you ever considered baby-proofing your sex life ?
I am always in awe of how well parents take care of their kids. Prevention and safety are the No.1 priority, what with regulation car seats, regulation cribs and baby-proofed houses.
I sometimes wonder if parents gave the same amount of care and attention to their sexual relationship, where might it be now and in the future?
Instead, there is a social more that states: After baby, a couple's sex life becomes almost non-existent and stays that way until the child is a teen.
It does not have to be that way.
In their book, Partnering, psychologists Hal and Sidra Stone write about the bonding patterns people form.
They theorize that people pair up and form a primary bond.
When a child comes along, a lot of times this primary bond is re-established with that child.
It then becomes increasingly difficult to maintain an open, intimate and sexual relationship with their significant other.
This is not a new idea. Ellen Kreid-
man, author of How Can We Light a Fire When the Kids are Driving us Crazy, wrote: "What unhappy couples do not understand is that if they make their children their No.1 priority, thinking they can work on their marriage later, they'll probably wind up as one of the one out of every two marriages that end in divorce today.
"Being alone, having quality time with your mate, is much more than sex. . . . It's imperative to have time alone to give each other that which is so desperately needed in a relationship -- your undivided attention."
In fact, the happiest, best-adjusted children come from a home in which the parents love and are intimate with each other.
So why then do so many parents feel it is okay to put their precious reconnecting time last on the list of priorities?
Why do these same parents feel guilty if they eke out a couple of hours every week "selfishly" for themselves? It's mind-boggling, really.
If you are serious about raising healthy children, you need to establish ground rules of how you will give each other your undivided attention. Because as many parents can attest, after baby comes, things get a little crazy for a long time.
Here are three basic rules to live and love by:
1. Make a one-night-a-month date night. No matter how tired, cranky and unromantic you both feel, make a pact to go out.
2. At least twice a year, have a weekend away. A weekend getaway is something to plan, to look forward to and to relax with one another.
3. Once a year, plan a one-week (yes, that would be seven days) vacation. Inevitably, the first week away from the kids is heart-wrenching for the parents.
However, feedback from parents has been that the kids do not seem to mind and, in fact, as the kids get older, they look forward to their independent time.
Of course, I do not feel these are outrageous expectations of your reconnection time. Do you? Probably.
Here are some of the excuses you may have for why this is not feasible.
Excuse No. 1: We do not have the money. Going on dates, weekends away and vacations do take money -- and who has money after paying for all those diapers?
Ask yourself: Can you afford not to go? Think of this money as being an investment in your life's most precious commodity: your relationship.
Excuse No. 2: I'm too tired.
I can appreciate how inviting your lovely couch must seem to your butt after a long week but trust me, going out with your sweetie will be rejuvenating.
Mother Teresa was the inspiration to one of my favourite quotes, "Always keep your lamp full." Wise words.
Keeping your lamp full means taking time out and giving back to yourself and to each other.
Ultimately, the best gift you can give your children is to have a long-term love affair with your partner.
Trina Read is a motivational speaker and writer with a doctorate on human sexuality.
Labels: marriage-sex
What Do Marriage Counselors Do?
If your marriage is falling apart and all you can think about is going your separate way, you must realize that divorce should only be your final option. You should try to do anything within your power to make your marriage work. When you both said, "I do," you made a commitment to stay with that person until death do you part. Maybe those are outdated customs but they have worked for many people. There was a reason the two of you decided to spend the rest of your lives together and that reason must be uncovered once more. However, if you find yourself constantly bickering, and you can't stand the sight of one another, it may be time for some marriage counseling. What do marriage counselors do, though, that you can't do yourselves? Well, obviously what you're doing isn't working so it's time to give a marriage counselor a try.
Decide On One
First, you need to decide who you will feel most comfortable talking to. Some couples feel more comfortable talking to a male marriage counselor and some like talking to women. The marriage counselor should be neutral, however, which means that the counselor should not know either of you personally outside of your sessions. Only then can a marriage counselor truly work through the issues plaguing your marriage.
Everything Out in the Open
The only way a marriage counselor can help you fix your marriage is if you reveal everything that's going on. If you keep things hidden from the marriage counselor, the counseling is less likely to work. Even if the issues are embarrassing, completely personal, hurtful or whatever, you need to discuss these things. Getting them out is the only way to heal old wounds. The marriage counselor is neutral and everything you discuss is kept confidential. Nobody else will know what you divulge to the marriage counselor. Then, once everything is out in the open, and all cards are on the table, the counselor can do what he or she does best.
Healing Old Wounds
When you get a cut, you have to clean it, you have to dress it and you have to wait for it to heal. It's the same with your marriage. Cleaning your wounds could mean getting all your issues out into the open. Dressing your wounds could be the marriage counselor giving you tips on how to handle disputes, or advice on how to reignite that spark. The counselor should try to make things new again, just like when you first met. Then, you must wait for your wounds to heal. Your marriage counselor needs time to help you work through your issues. Your marriage didn't fall apart overnight and it's not going to heal itself over night. It's going to take work, determination and time but soon you'll find that spark again and hopefully your marriage will survive.
Labels: marriage counselors
Marriage Counseling - Is Talking To A Marriage Counselor Worth The Cost?
by Samson Itoje
Marriage counseling is something people are quick to recommend when you have marital problems. Of course, they do this with good intentions. Friends and family who make those recommendations are convinced that speaking with a marriage counselor will somehow help you resolve your marital problems.
But marriage counseling can be expensive. Some marriage counselors charge as much as $150 per hour for consultation. That can be pretty expensive if you live in an economically challenged country. Besides, is it really worth the cost? Isn't marriage counseling overrated?It depends on the way you look at it.
First, you must remember that a relationship expert is not perfect. Since he's not perfect, his advice will not also be perfect. This means that you run the risk of talking to an 'expert' with a poor sense of judgment. What do you expect if the expert's sense of judgment is poor? Bad advice. Bad strategy. Failure.
Here's the complete picture. The relationship expert you choose to speak with may be smart, intelligent, and experienced. In this case, you're likely to getthe best advice possible
Or . . .
The marriage counselor may be half-baked, dull, and unintelligent. In this case, expect to get the wrong advice or advice that is totally worthless.
Second, the relationship expert you consult with for marriage counseling may be dubious. A dubious marriage counselor can turn into a blackmailer. When you go for marriage counseling, it is customary to provideas much information as possible. Don't expect sound advice if the person providing the advice has little knowledge of what your challenges are. This means that you must of necessity talk openly with the relationship expert you have chosen to speak with. There's nothing wrong with this. However, things can turn sour if the relationship expert with whom you have discussed your marital problems turns out to be a riffraff. He can easily begin to blackmail you with the information you supplied him.
Third, discussing your relationship problems with a relationship expert will not make your problems disappear. For many, marital problems persist long after the couple have gone for marriagecounseling.
This brings us back to the question. Is marriage counseling worth the cost?
The answer is . . . yes.
Of course, marriage counseling has its flaws. But talking to a marriage counselor helps. However, you must speak to a relationship expert with a clear objective in mind. You must understand that the marriage counselor will assist you to solve your marital problems. The marriage counselor will not solve your marital problems for you.
What does that mean? This means that the relationship expert provides you with options and helps you see things in a new light. He expands your horizon and comes with a fresh perspective.
Who solves the problems? You. You must deal with your problems yourself. Your problem is your responsibility and you cannot run away from it.
For example, should you marry Philip or Kelvin? Who should decide that? You.
Another example. Should you get a divorce or stay and work things out with your partner? Who should decide that? You.
How does marriage counseling help you then? You lay out the problems. You lay out the circumstances. You list your limitations. You list your strengths. The marriage counselor will analyze the problems or issues on the basis of what is known to work in real life. He may provide you with additional resources or supply supporting data. He will lay out the choices for you. Thereafter you must choose the path to follow. This is your life. You alone can decide what you want to do with it.
Does marriage counseling help?
Of course!
If relationship experts don't provide a valuable service, they will soon be out of business. They know this. So they seek to maintain a high level of ethical standard in their practice. And they work hard to give their clients the best advice possible.
Having said that, you must understand that everything in life has advantages and disadvantages. Marriage counseling does. And so does everything else in life. So, if you have serious marital problems, don't hesitate to talk to a relationship expert.
Marriage counseling really helps.
About the author: Samson Itoje is a relationship expert. He offers marriage counseling services athttp://www.true-love-relationship-advice.com/relation ship-rescue.html. Looking for love advice? Talk to Samson Itoje.
Labels: marriage counseling
7 Ground Rules for Conflict Resolution by Charlotte A. Michie
There is no such thing as a conflict free relationship. Some people have the mistaken belief that a happy partnership or marriage should be no arguing, fighting, or conflict of any kind if they really loved each other. Of course, that is a formula for disaster. The word argument comes from the Latin arguere, to make clear. Is that not what each partner’s intention is, to make clear his or her position? Listed below are guidelines to assist you in making yourself clear without making matters worse.
1. Identify the problem situation and make an appointment with your partner/spouse to discuss it.
2. Limit the discussion to only the issue that is adversely affecting your relationship right now. Do not talk about other issues or bring up past behaviors that you believe strengthens your case. Agree to take a time out if responses on either part become punitive in nature. If either party calls a time out, the other will agree rather than “push back”.
3. Invite your partner/spouse to talk without interruption and request the same courtesy for yourself.
4. Start your discussion by stating three things your partner/spouse has done right. Then tell your partner/spouse the behavior(s) that have created a problem for you.
5. Avoid your partner/spouse’s vulnerabilities or emotional sensitivities. This means no hitting below the belt.
6. Talk with each other from a position of mutual respect. Your discussion should include:
a. My feelings and needs,
b. Your feelings and needs,
c. The reality factors in the situation.
7. Remind yourself and your partner/spouse that the goal of the discussion is resolution and it is an opportunity to create a better situation for both of you. Engage your partner/spouse in a discussion of creative solutions and alternatives that would meet both of your needs.
For more information visit my website at www.camichie.com
Article Source: ArticlesandAuthors.com - THE Premier Site for Free Articles AND Article Authors
Labels: marriage conflict
Saving Your Marriage
by marillyn shadow, Aug 26, 2008
The dos and don'ts of married life.
What first attracted you to your significant other? Can you still name the things which drew you to him or her? Do you still think you love him or her? Is your marriage worth saving? If it is here are a few tips to save your marriage or maybe strengthen it.
Get rid of your old girlfriend or boyfriend's pictures. They are both hurtful and cause a mistrust to linger in the wind.
Tell him or her that you adore them and love them. Give a handpicked flower to the love of your life. It doesn't matter if it is a man or woman. Everyone loves a kind and loving gesture.
Don't bring up the on-laws on a continuum. It causes resentment and could in the long term ruin your marriage.
Tell your significant other how much you need him or her in you life.
Don't spend time with the opposite sex alone; as this will develop injury to your friendship with your significant other.
Most of all spend time with you loved one. I mean quality time. A bubble bath could be of value or just cuddling up to a movie.
Remember this to be true. You will get out of your marriage what you put into it. It will last as long as you work on it.
Never go to bed angry at your partner. This is very damaging to your friendship and love life.
Good luck and may all your dreams come true. May your marriage be a long and lasting forever one.
Labels: marriage trust
Restore Broken Trust to Save Your Marriage
Submitted by: Clarence Chan (834)
Trust is fragile. Once broken it is hard to mend. This is all the more so in a marriage. When trust is gone, the marriage is on shaky ground. Thus it is imperative to restore trust to save a marriage that is heading for break-up. Let me share two critical elements in restoring trust.
Two Critical Elements to Restore Trust
Although it may be difficult to restore trust, it is not impossible. Trust can be restored through two main elements. These two elements are attitude and action. There are attitudes for both partners to adopt. Firstly, on the part of the erring partner, to restore trust there must be openness, accountability and assurance. In essence, these three things are different attitudes. Allow me to elaborate on these three attitudes.
The attitude of openness is displayed by allowing the aggrieved partner to ask any question he or she wants for as long as necessary. It is better for your partner to ask concerning anything that still troubles him or her than to keep it inside only for it to flare up in future and destroy trust again. The attitude of openness leads to accountability.
Being accountable to your partner is a crucial step in restoring your partner's trust in you even though it might be an inconvenience to be accountable. It is important that you bear with the inconvenience and not give in to irritability, impatience or frustration. If need be, allow yourselves to be accountable not only to one another, but to another close friend or marriage counselor. Having an objective third party friend helping out goes a long way in restoring trust. Once openness and accountability are achieved, the third attitude of assurance becomes much easier to attain.
Your partner needs to be assured because she might be thinking whether it was a mistake marrying you. Thoughts such as, "If he has done it before, he may do it again," will be running through her mind. These thoughts make your partner feel extremely vulnerable. Moreover, your partner may find it more difficult than you to leave the past behind and move on. Be patient with her. This is because what she wants is different from what you want. You want closure and to move on whereas she wants assurance. So give your partner the assurance that she needs. These three attitudes are for the partner who is in the wrong to adopt. But trust cannot be fully restored without the other partner. The partner who has been betrayed also has attitudes to adopt to restore trust.
On the part of the aggrieved partner, the attitude of letting go of the past failures of your partner is essential. If you keep remembering and harping on the wrongs of your partner, you will never be able to trust him or her. Your attitude should be to forgive and forget as far as possible. Do not hold your partner's wrongs against him or her. Closely linked to the attitude of releasing the past is the next attitude.
The next attitude is that of believing the best about your partner. There must be intentionality in giving your partner the benefit of the doubt and believing that he or she is trustworthy. Coupled with that is the attitude of giving second chances. This does not mean condoning infidelity or deceit but it does mean that you are willing to keep on trying provided there is repentance and change by your partner. Now let me share about the next element required to restore trust, that is action.
Correct attitudes would lead to correct action. The erring partner should take appropriate actions such as changing behavior, breaking off an affair or becoming a more responsible spouse or parent. The other partner must reciprocate in like manner with actions such as acceptance, support and cooperating with your partner in rebuilding the relationship between the two of you. Restoring trust is a process, built through persistent, sustained and appropriate attitudes and actions of both partners. Cooperate with one another. Help one other trust each other more. As mentioned, get another couple to hold you both accountable. People usually do what is inspected rather than what is expected. To discover all about attitudes and actions that can improve or save your marriage, get my FREE report, "Practical Tips on Improving Your Marriage" from http://www.savemarriagestoday.com .
Conclusion
Trust is the foundation of any relationship. The closer the relationship, the more important trust is to that relationship. There is no other relationship closer than marriage for two human beings. Thus restoring trust is imperative to save any marriage.
Labels: marriage trust
Overcome Your Pride and Save Your Marriage Or Relationship From a Break Up
By Festus Kofe
Learn How to Deal with the Issues & How to Save your Marriage.
One web definition of pride that stands out clearly is that pride is an unreasonable and inordinate self-esteem (personified as one of the deadly sins). With this in mind, pride is sinful and should be deleted from our lives. Overcoming your pride can go a long way to save your marriage or relationship from a break up. In the early stages of pregnancy a baby is easier to lose. The same applies to your marriage or relationship. You must protect it.
To overcome your pride, you must:
Learn to laugh at yourself
One Chinese proverbs is clear about this. It says, "Blessed are they that laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be entertained." Partners who have the problem of pride rarely laugh at themselves. Engaging in humor at your own expense show that pride is not the problem and that if it is, it is one you are determined to deal with.
Recognise your pride
It was Benjamin Franklin who stated that, "Not one of our natural passions is harder to subdue than pride. Even if I could conceive that I had completely overcome it. I should probably be proud of my humility." Saxon White Kessinger, in his book The Indispensable Man, wrote this: "Sometime when you feel that your going, would leave an un-fill-able hole, just follow these simple instructions, and see how they humble your soul. Take a bucket and fill it with water, put your hand in it up to the wrist; pull it out and the hole that is remaining, is the measure of how you will be missed." It is humbling how quickly the hole we think we are leaving, disappears or get filled in by others. This is enough grounds for you to overcome your pride and save your marriage or relationship from a break up.
Express your gratitude always
It is Oprah Winfrey who suggests that "We keep a gratitude journal. Every night make a list of five things that happened this day that you are grateful for. It will change your life. If you concentrate on what you do not have, you will never have enough. If you focus on what you have, you will always see that the universe is abundant and you will have more. Selfish people never think they get as much as they deserve. Continually expressing gratitude helps to break that kind of pride. You will appreciate your partner the more.
Life is not built on pride. It is built on relationships. Overcome pride and save your marriage or relationship from a break up.
You must overcome pride and save your marriage or relationship from a break up. You can also get resources that can help you stop your divorce or break up here.
Labels: marriage conflict
How to Save A Marriage
After few years of marriage some conflicts between the couples may arise and married life may become stressful. How will you come to know that your marriage is in crisis? There are some reasons responsible for disturbed married life such as alcohol abuse, difficulty with children, financial problems, a situation when both the partners are unfaithful, major life changes and problems with fertility.
The marital relationships may be affected by the broken trust, boredom, infidelity, poor communication, lack of appreciation, addictive behavior, emotional abuse, absence of sex and no affection. When the marriage is in trouble, you should try to find out the solutions of how to save a marriage.
When you realize that something is wrong with your married life, don't just think how to save a marriage, but immediately look for the solution. You try to find out the problems and adopt some qualities to save your marriage and to stop the divorce. There are always some hopes and ways to resolve the problems your marriage. The conflicts in married life may be due to ego or some misunderstandings.
Hence, to maintain healthy relationships, you should give up ego and should take an initiative to resolve the problems in your married life. Self-assessment is a very important step to save your marriage. You should be able to think about your mistakes and develop an improvement in your behavior. Avoid doing those things that can hurt your partner.
There are some beneficial options for the problem of how to save a marriage. If you want to be a good partner, you should have a capacity to listen to your partner and understand him/her. You should be able to keep calm and talk through the problem. When your partner is talking with you, you should ask the related questions and clarify all doubts.
Good communication is a very important factor for developing the healthy relationships. You should share all problems and feelings with your partner. The most important thing is that you should fully trust your partner and never be jealous about his/her personal and professional progress.
Your approach towards your relationships and married life should be positive. Whenever there are some problems or bitterness, remember the happy moments that you had spent together and try to reignite these moments. When there are some problems, don't get disturbed or panic, just stay calm. Whenever you lose your temper during the arguments, you generally tend to say and do the things that you actually didn't mean.
One of the best ways to save a marriage is to create long-term plans with your partner. Make some plans to spend the vacations at good picnic spot. Some future plans that are made together may help to increase the intimacy. It will assure that your partner is always there for you.
Your overall personality and hygiene also have great impact on your married life. Hence, try to be always presentable that your partner likes and adopt hygienic habits. How to save a Marriage should not be a problematic issue at all.
Try some of above solutions and make your married life hassle-free and pleasant one.
Labels: successful marriages
How to save your marriage
We hear and hear about divorces everythwre. This is a sure sign that the most respected institution is indeed in great danger. We do not already pay attention to the small details that support a marriage. You do not even remember his birthday or even the first time you met. Ability to listen is much more important than talking, remember this and try to save your marriage. Everyone has desire to be heard, especially men, as this makes them feeling loved and cared for. When he is talking try to look at him straight in the eyes and keep on nodding. This is a sure way of showing him that you are attentive and he will be encouraged to keep on talking.
Try to avoid complaining. If there is anything that can make your man to miss coming home are your endless complaints just about anything he does. Save your marriage by avoiding constant complaints. Men feel inferior and he may start feeling that he is not the right one for you. You should learn that no one is perfect and accept your partner just the way he is. When you feel your partner has wronged you in any way do not start yelling and throwing plates at him but create the right atmosphere around the table then put your point across in a loving and caring manner. This will make your partner feel respected.
Avoid making love right after a quarrel because this may make your partner feel that you are blackmailing him and he may not open up to you making the sexual ordeal boring to both of you. Try going for a walk instead just to relax his mind. During the walk keep thinking positively about your partner because he is the man you have decided to spend the rest of your life with. Remind him about your first date, how loving and caring he was at that time, and what attracted you to him. This will make him save your marriage by seriously starting to think of where and when he started going wrong and what he can do to bring the fire back to your marriage.
Little niceties like “i love you” at the end of a telephone conversation can help save your marriage because your partner will know he is still the man you love and care about. You should not have very high expectations about your man. This can push him off limits as he keeps on trying to prove himself to you. Remember the world outside is very cruel so when a man comes back home he needs a bit of tenderness, encouragement and love to make him strong enough to face another day. By choosing him to be your life partner simply means you had accepted him the way he is, never try to compare him with another man. Remember that you can never change a man be contented with what you have by making each day worth living. Make him feel appreciated.
Labels: successful marriages
How to Make Your Marriage Last
By Sheri & Bob Stritof, About.com Guides to Marriage
Every marriage needs help now and then, both during the good times and when things become difficult. Here are issues that impact marriages and skills to help you deal with those issues and problems in healthy ways. Remember that most problems have solutions. Don't ignore the problems and issues in your marriage. If your marriage is in trouble, get started and make the necessary changes together that will help your marriage be a successful, long lasting union.
Create a Long Lasting Marriage
Celebrate Your Anniversaries
Increase Your Communication Skills
Discover How to Repair and Save Your Marriage
Learn From Positive and Negative Examples of Marriage
Know Which Myths and Expectations Could Hurt Your Marriage
Foster Your Intimacy With One Another
Take Care of Yourself When Coping With an Unfaithful Spouse
Face the Challenges of Interfaith, Interracial, and Intercultural Marriages
Generate Both Closeness and Boundaries with Your In-Laws
Grow Old Together
Handle Tough Issues in Your Marriage Together
Know When it is Time to Call it Quits
Create a Long Lasting Marriage
What helps keep your marriage successful and long-lasting? Long lasting marriages have characteristics and qualities that enable the couples to weather through both the good times and the bad times as they journey together on the highway of life. It helps to have a flexible attitude towards your marriage, a willingness to create a balance in the time you spend together and apart, and an openness to change.
Easy and Practical Ways to Make Your Marriage Last
Twelve Ways to Improve Your Marriage
Tips for a Long Lasting Marriage
Leave Love Notes for Your Spouse
Say I Love You
Simple Ways to Be Romantic
How to Create Quality Time for One Another
Reasons to Walk Together
A Month of Dates for Married Couples
Celebrate Your Anniversaries
Your wedding anniversaries deserve to be celebrated in memorable ways. When you celebrate your wedding anniversary each year it is an annual renewal of your commitment to one another.
1st-100th Wedding Anniversary Gift Guide
Create Memorable Anniversaries
How to Have Anniversary Greetings Sent From the White House
Proven Gift Giving Solutions
Increase Your Communication Skills
To have a successful marriage you must learn how to communicate effectively with one another. This includes listening both with your head and with your heart.
Talk With Each Other -- Not At Each Other
Why Your Spouse Won't Listen to You
Is Negativity Hurting Your Marriage?
True Listening Can Be a Challenge
Top 10 Listening Tips
How to Share What's In Your Heart With Your Spouse
Tips For When You Have to Have "The Talk"
The Eye Roll in Marriage
Keeping Secrets and Your Right to Privacy
Why Should You Bother With Daily Dialogue?
Looking for the Right Word? -- List of Feeling Words
Daily Dialogue Tips
Discover How to Repair and Save Your Marriage
If your marriage is in trouble, don't throw in the towel too quickly. Here are ways to repair and save your marriage.
Help for Troubled Marriages
How to Fight Fair
Give Your Marriage a Spring Cleaning
Coping With Stress in Your Marriage
Improve Your Health by Forgiving Your Spouse
How to Rebuild Trust
Learn From Positive and Negative Examples of Marriage
Aside from the curiosity aspect of knowing about the marriages of celebrity couples, you can learn from these couples' successes and failures.
Marriage Secrets of Celebrity Couples
Dennis Weaver on the Secret of Their Successful Marriage
Presidential Candidates' Marriages
In the Midst of Scandal, Why Political Wives Stand By Their Men
Models of Marriage
The Images of Marriage - - Four Different Perceptions
Know Which Myths and Expectations Could Hurt Your Marriage
If you believe in the myth of the fairy tale marriage in the castle on the hill, you could hurt your chances of having a successful marriage. Unrealistic expectations can set the stage for the two of you to be continually bickering with each other. Learn where some of your ideas about marriage came from and talk about your expectations.
Get Your Marriage Out of a Rut
Marriage Expectations
Marriage Myths
Foster Your Intimacy With One Another
Lack of communication about sexual problems can tear your marriage apart. If you have waited several months to talk about sexual problems with your spouse, you've waited too long.
Too Tired for Sex?
Signs of a Low Sex Marriage
When Your Husband Isn't Interested in Sex
Solutions for Women With Low Libido
Can Pornography Undermine Your Marriage?
Take Care of Yourself When Coping With an Unfaithful Spouse
If you are trying to cope after learning that your spouse cheated on you, remember that you are not the reason your spouse cheated. The decision to cheat was made by your spouse. Here's advice on what to do and what not to do during this heart breaking journey.
Warning Signs of Cheating Spouses
Should You Spy on Your Spouse?
What to Do If Your Spouse is Unfaithful -- How to Respond
Who is to Blame?
Emotional Affairs 101
Why Spouses Cheat
Common Excuses for Cheating
Face the Challenges of Interfaith, Interracial, and Intercultural Marriages
If you are in an interfaith, interracial, or intercultural marriage, the two of you have a few more challenges to face than couples of the same faith, race, or culture. Your differences in these marriages may create problems, but usually these problems can be lessened by being honest with one another about the issues.
Tell the Story Behind Your Traditions
Interfaith Marriage Stumbling Blocks
Mistakes to Avoid in Your Interfaith Marriage
Observing the Holidays as an Interfaith Couple
Interracial Marriage Coping Strategies
Interracial Marriage Challenges
Generate Both Closeness and Boundaries with Your In-Laws
Your in-laws can be a tremendous source of support and closeness for the two of you and they can also be a major problem in your marriage relationship. Here are some tips to help you bond with and cope with your in-laws.
Spending Time With Your In-Laws
Top 10 In-Laws Coping Tips
What to Do When Your Parents Disapprove of Your Marriage
What to Do When You Can't Stand Who Your Child Married
Grow Old Together
Being an empty nest couple is the beginning of a whole new marriage experience. Now you have the time to be alone together and do things you want to do, but health issues may surface. It is natural to worry when you see that your spouse isn't feeling well or has obvious medical problems. Here are tips to help when it is just the two of you again.
The Empty Nest Syndrome -- The Sad News and the Good News
What to Do When Your Spouse Won't See a Doctor
When the Bug Bites
Chronic Illness in a Marriage
Handle Tough Issues in Your Marriage Together
Finances and chores are two topics that cause couples to get divorced. Don't let these issues create a wedge between the two of you.
Why Nagging Doesn't Work
How to Divide Household Chores
Maternal Gatekeepers
Is Your Marriage Running on Empty?
Financial Advice You May Not Want to Hear
Financial Issues You Can't Avoid
Labels: successful marriages
The 5 Sides of Intimacy
Hint: It's more than just sex
By Gary D. Chapman
Henry was usually jovial and positive. Last night, however, he came late to our church meeting and didn't have much to say.
"I'll never understand women," he told me after the meeting. "My wife thinks we need more intimacy. She says we aren't as close as we used to be. I don't know what she's talking about. I thought we had a good marriage."
All-encompassing
There's something about our psychological, spiritual, and physical makeup that cries out for intimacy with another.
Are you and your spouse intimate in these ways?
Intellectual intimacy. This isn't about discussing highly intellectual ideas. The important thing is discussing your thoughts. They may be thoughts about food, finances, health, crime, work, politics. They reveal something of what's gone on in your mind throughout the day.
Social intimacy. This has to do with spending time around the events of life. Some of these events we experience together; others happen while we're apart and are shared through open communication. Much of life involves doing. When we do things together, we not only develop a sense of teamwork, we also enhance our sense of intimacy.
Emotional intimacy. Feelings are our spontaneous, emotional responses to what we encounter through the five senses. I see the fire truck racing down the road and I feel troubled. You touch my hand and I feel loved. When we share emotions, we build emotional intimacy.
Spiritual intimacy. Often the least excavated of all the foundations of marital intimacy, yet this has a significant impact on the others. It doesn't require agreement of belief on every detail. Instead, we seek to tell each other what's going on in our inner self. It's discussing our thoughts about spiritual realities. The purpose isn't agreement, but understanding.
Physical intimacy. Because men and women are different (long live their differences!), we often come at sexual intimacy in different ways. The husband's emphasis is often on the physical aspects—the seeing, touching, and climax are the focus of his attention. The wife, though, comes to sexual intimacy with more interest in the relationship. To feel loved, appreciated, and treated tenderly brings her great joy. Sexual intimacy requires understanding and responding to these differences.
Practicing intimacy
An essential ingredient of intimacy is allowing your spouse to be himself without striving to conform him to your ideals.
In intimacy, we try to grow closer together, not to eliminate the "otherness," but to enjoy it. Men and women are different and we must not, even with good intentions, seek to destroy those differences.
What keeps us from experiencing intimacy? All of us are egocentric; the world revolves around us. Yet, when we focus on self, we lose intimacy.
The opposite of self-centeredness, then, is love. Love concentrates on the well-being of the spouse. We take time to listen to the thoughts, feelings, and desires of our spouse. We seek to understand and to respond with empathy. We choose to do things with each other, even things that may not be our favorite activities, simply because we want to be with each other.
In the context of such intimacy we become supportive and caring of each other, which builds a stronger, more contented marriage.
Labels: successful marriages
