The negative affects of divorce, on your children, hurts everyone!
The positive affects, on your children, because of saving your marriage helps everyone!
It is hard work to repair the damage each of you has exacted on the other. But, if you work at saving your marriage every day, you will love the results. Below we have listed information to get you started on the right road. We also recommend both of you, together, get involved in marriage counseling. It really does work in helping you understanding yourself and your mate.
Learn to enjoy, again, loving each other every day of every year to come.
Here’s some statistics that may put the sobering issue of divorce in perspective.
* Nearly half of all marriages that took place within the past ten years will end in divorce.
* Because marriages are more likely to fail in the early years, most children are young when their parents separate.
* Between 1940 and 1990, divorce rates have skyrocketed. During the decade of the 1970s, the divorce rate doubled. This was attributed to the change in laws, which made it easier to get divorced, and to the fact that the Baby Boomers came of age and were marrying and divorcing at record rates.
* 75% of men will remarry after divorce and 80% of women will remarry.
* Over 60% of second marriages end in divorce.
* Mothers retain custody of children in nearly 75% of divorce proceedings.
* Joint custody is awarded only 15% of the time.
And consider this study of over five thousand married adults, completed in 1988. The study included a representative sampling of all ethnic groups, age groups, income levels and family structures. Some had children - some did not.
Some had two incomes, some only one. Some lived in urban areas, some in rural or suburban areas. In short, the study looked at all types of people, marriages and situation. This study revealed that 645 people were unhappily married at the time of the study.
Of this group of five thousand, surveyed again five years later, those unhappily married individuals who declared defeat and filed for divorce were NO HAPPIER than those that stayed in the marriage and tried to work things out.
The study incorporated more than ten measurements of emotional balance and well-being and found that divorce did not help to raise self-esteem, decrease depression or improve one’s sense of control over their lives.
Avoiding Divorce
Most of us WANT to stay married or we have tried to establish a committed relationship with a solid foundation.
For most, the love story started with great expectations. But, somehow, it got off track!
And, what was supposed to be a loving and solid, life-long bond, turned into a relationship filled with anger and silence or skirmishes, battles and disappointment.
If you really want to find an alternative to divorce and to get your relationship back on track, you must first be committed – BOTH OF YOU must want to save your marriage if this effort is going to be successful.
If there is still an abiding love between the two of you and if you can still find pleasure in one another's company, accept your spouse’s flaws, and talk to each other, and if you can still show affection and love for your spouse, then you have a good chance!
It is sometimes hard to break the habits you have formed. But, if you want your marriage to work, you have to open the lines of communication.
Take off your protective armor and stop being defensive and try to LISTEN to what your spouse is saying.
Focus on forgiveness and put the past transgressions behind you. Make a commitment to start again and try to resolve the conflict and avoid the old mistakes.
Above all, learn the art of compromise. You will never meet ANYONE that exists only to satisfy your every need.
A successful relationship is a two-way street; there will be times when you or your spouse will need some special attention.
The loss of a job, or a family member, a period of depression or illness, a disappointment in your personal or professional life, or just plan ‘having a bad day’ are all reasons to expect some loving care.
And in return, your spouse must see and respond to your bad days and the critical stressors in your life, as well.
While you are in the introspective mode, look at the financial situation in your family and ask whether financial stress is wreaking havoc with your marriage.
Are you short on money, trying to pay for college or elder care or surviving on one salary after one of you lost a job?
Does one person spend a lot of money shopping, gambling or buying things on credit?
Be honest about your problems.
Getting Your Marriage Back On Track
OK, so you’ve decided to get your marriage back on track – and your spouse is just as committed!
Where do you start?
First, you have to get serious. Plan for undisturbed time alone. Send the kids to a relative or friend’s house or go away for the weekend so you can talk in peace and quiet. Think of this as your retreat.
If your marital issues include a total lack of communication, you are going to find it hard to get started, but if you are really invested in the process, you’ll get there!
Some couples choose to write things down in the first session so that they don’t have to talk about all the details.
But, eventually you WILL have to talk about it. Whatever gets you started is fine. Just know that you need to get the point where you can talk things through!
It is likely that you’ve given a lot of thought to the things that really bug you about your spouse, but when you are suddenly faced with getting these things out in the open, you may draw a blank.
Be patient and give yourself some time to adjust to what is happening. You may have wished for this chance, but now that it is here, you’ll have to think and speak carefully.
It is best to start by setting some ground rules for how you will discuss the issues. If you do this upfront, you won’t have to mend fences when someone gets angry or defensive.
Consider these ground rules to get you started.
You can probably come with some others on your own!
1. Allow the other person to finish a thought or a sentence without interruption.
2. Don’t make faces or sounds or act like you are judging each other. Just listen!
3. If you would like to clarify or disagree with something, do it with respect and don’t raise your voice.
4. No physical signs of threat or angry outbursts!
5. Ask a lot of questions if you don’t understand what the other person is saying – don’t assume!
6. Keep your discussions between the two of you.
7. Always trust that your spouse is trying to do and say the right thing and only wants to rebuild the relationship. Don’t get defensive or try to undermine the process.
8. Understand that both parties are hurt and confused and that sometimes they may say or do something to express that hurt or confusion. Try not to take it personally!
9. Always end the discussion by talking about your positive feelings toward each other and highlight the progress you’ve made. Talk about what you heard that surprised you, or that pleased you, or even the things you never knew and wished you had known before!
10. Agree on the next time you will talk and come to the next discussion with a calm and open mind. If you are not up to the discussion for whatever reason, ask for a break or reschedule it…but DON’T PUT IT OFF as a delay tactic!
Add whatever ground rules you feel you need to address your personal situation.
Now that we have those ground rules in place, it is time to identify the issues. If you can do this dispassionately, you are quite a unique individual.
The purpose of getting the issues on paper is to be more objective about them and to use them as ‘talking points’ when your discussion gets off track or becomes emotional.
Remember that the way you frame your issues must always include respect for the other person. Don’t be accusatory or try to strike out at your spouse.
Remember that there was a time when you were deeply in love and devoted to each other and even if you have lost a lot of that spark, there is still a person you love somewhere in the core of this relationship, or you would not be trying so hard to save it.
Above all, don’t make empty accusations.
Making A Commitment To Work On Your Marriage
If you have made a commitment to work on your marriage and gotten all the issues out on paper, you are well on your way to regaining your balance.
This can take weeks, months, or even years, but if you are going to put all that work into the relationship, you also need to understand that like the business quality initiatives undertaken by large corporations, your marriage must be continuously analyzed and improved if it is going to stay healthy.
Once you get your marriage back on track, there are a number of ways you can keep it fresh and grounded.
Keep these things in mind. Print them and post them on your kitchen bulletin board, if necessary.
You’ve worked too hard to get to where you are, so don’t stop working when you finally reach your goal.
* Watch for specific stress from a lost job, an illness or the loss of a family member or friend and be especially diligent and supportive of the marriage during this time.
* LOOK for the issues and when you see them, talk about them.
* Listen ACTIVELY and do your best not to become defensive. Try to understand what your spouse is saying and try to solve the problem together. Don’t make it your spouse’s problem.
* Share the work around the house and, if there are days when your spouse’s schedule is especially impossible, be willing to take on more than your share.
* Don’t forget to recognize what your spouse does for you. Whether it is an especially good meal or a favor, let your spouse know that you noticed and that you appreciate what they’ve done.
* Leave notes or voicemail during the day or do something special every few days – pick up a favorite pastry at the store, a bouquet of flowers, or a romantic card.
* Do things together. Don’t let your crazy schedule pull you in different directions ALL THE TIME. Make time to do something together. Even if you are just going to the grocery store together, you are TOGETHER.
* Smile and hug whenever you can. Don’t ASSUME your spouse knows that you still care.
* Disagree, but don’t get angry or yell. Remember that you and your spouse are both trying as hard as you can. No one is TRYING to be difficult.
* Don’t try to control your spouse or their opinions. Accept them for what they are, and ask that they do the same for you.
* Don’t ever take advantage of your spouse’s good nature or desire to please.
Labels: Managing Conflict in Marriage
Family Life
The Marriage Garden
Dealing with Conflict in Marriage
All marriages - even the very best of marriages - have conflict. That is a normal part of having two people work out a life together. But there are good ways to work out differences - and there are bad ways.
Learn to live with things that cannot change. You may wish that your partner was different in many ways. Some of those things simply cannot change. Learn to accept that. Be glad that you can bring to your partnership some qualities that your partner does not have. Be glad that your partner can bring qualities that you do not have.
Start a relationship discussion at a time when you want to strengthen your relationship. If you are feeling angry or tired and want to correct or hurt your partner, it is not a good time to start a discussion. If your partner is tired or frustrated, save the discussion until later.
Many relationship discussions get started late at night when both partners are tired. We shouldn't let our tiredness be our message. Save the discussion until you are rested.
Do not dwell on your complaints. Sometimes we feel irritated about things in our relationship. We list our complaints and stew about them. By the time we bring up our problem we may have talked ourselves into being mad. Rather than make big complaints, we can make requests along the way.
Make requests. There are some statements that do NOT motivate change: "You never help me. You don't seem to notice anyone's needs but your own." There are more inviting statements: "I'm very stressed right now. I wonder if you could help me by getting dinner, helping me cleanup the house, or helping the children with homework."
Rather than argue about details, find common ground. In any disagreement it is easy to get stuck arguing about who did what and why. Don't waste your time dealing with such issues. Instead, focus on ways you can help each other.
When people feel attacked and angry, they do not think as clearly as when they are calm. We can do things to help ourselves and our partners feel more calm. We can start discussions without attack: "I would like your ideas on an issue." We can look for solutions rather than accusations: "Do you think it would help if . . . ?" If we are feeling too frustrated, we may need to reschedule our discussions: "I need some time to think about what you are saying. Could we talk about this tomorrow?"
Confrontation is not a very good change agent. John Gottman has observed that the only way to get people to change is by accepting them as they are. Conflict will happen, but love makes the difference.
Even marriages that seem unhappy often become very satisfying over time if both partners prevent anger and resentment from taking over. In fact, differences in marriage can help us grow and help us build a better relationship.
Applications:
Most couples argue about the same things year after year. They make no progress in solving certain problems and may even get more entrenched. Think of any problems or issues that have recurred in your relationship.
Which of them are un-resolvable?
Which of the resolvable differences can you simply choose to accept?
Which of the resolvable differences can you act to minimize or manage?
What tools will you use to help you deal with resolvable differences? Humor? Patience? Distraction?
Which of your problems can be resolved by working together? Have you found ways in the past to have a better relationship as a result of your discussions? What makes your discussions better? When you have a disagreement, look for an opportunity to make your relationship stronger. (For example, "If we had a few minutes every week to have fun together, I think it would bring us closer.")
What is your reaction to disagreements with your partner? Is it possible to think about disagreements in a more positive way? (For example, "We both have strong personalities and sometimes we will clash. But we still love each other.")
Are you actively doing things to enlarge and strengthen the base of your relationship? Do you spend time together doing fun things? Do you take an interest in your partner's activities?
John Gottman has written an excellent book on marriage that includes a chapter on conflict called, "Solve your solvable problems." The book is called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. If you want additional ideas to help you work through differences with your partner, this book can provide practical ideas.
Labels: Managing Conflict in Marriage
Benefits of Phone Counseling:
Flexibility - speak to a professional counselor at the time of day or evening that works for you. With phone counseling, you are not bound by the traditional "50 minute hour" of in office counseling.
Privacy - complete and total privacy by receiving counseling from your home or wherever you are most comfortable.
Comfort level - by taking the face-to-face element out of counseling, more people feel free to share their problems over the phone.
Convenience - no commute time to and from the therapist's office or waiting for an appointment with your counselor.
Accessibility - counseling available for those who are homebound, parents with small children, people who live in rural areas, and those who have phobias and fears that prevent them from seeing a therapist in person.
Effective - phone counseling has been proven through research studies to have a positive effect on wellbeing.
Labels: phone counseling
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How To Fight Fair in Your Marriage - - Conflict Management in Marriage
By Sheri & Bob Stritof, About.com
See More About:conflict issuesdifficult conversationsnegativitymarriage stresscommunication in marriage
Photo: Stockbyte / Getty Images
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All married couples have arguments, or rather fights. How you fight is the key to whether or not you will have a successful, long term marriage.
Fighting fairly in your marriage is a critical skill that you must learn.
The way you fight can often tell psychologists more than what you fight about. If done correctly, conflict and healthy, fair fighting, can strengthen your marriage.
Difficulty: Average
Time Required: No More than 15 minutes -- at that point call a truce and set a time to discuss the issue again
Here's How:
Don't let little things that bother you build up until one of you explodes the issue into a large fight. That's not fighting fair in your marriage.
If you are angry about something and don't try to talk about it with your spouse within 48 hours, let it go. Otherwise, you are not fighting fair.
If your spouse doesn't want to discuss the matter, set an appointment within the next 24 hours to have your fair fight.
Fighting fair means you know what the issue is. Then, both of you stick to the subject.
Keep your fight between the two of you. Don't bring in third parties like your mother-in-law, his best friend, or your children.
Fighting fair means you don't hit below the belt.
Fighting fair means you don't bring up past history.
Fighting fair means no name calling. Even endearing terms and pet names can be hurtful when you are using a sarcastic tone.
Be careful how you use humor. Laughter is good, but teasing can be misinterpreted and can be hurtful.
Listen to one another fully while you fight. This includes watching body language. Look at one another while you speak.
Don't interrupt during your fight.
Fighting fair means you don't blame one another make accusations.
Try to use 'I' sentences instead of 'you' sentences.
If the two of you are not extremely angry, try to hold hands while talking during your fight.
Be open to asking for forgiveness and being willing to forgive.
Tips:
Even though it may be hard to forgive your spouse, not forgiving can cause more harm both emotionally and physically to yourself and to your marriage. Holding a grudge is letting someone else live in your head rent free.
Remember to not fight to win, but to fight for your relationship.
Conflict is not the problem. All married couples have disagreements. It's not knowing how to effectively argue that creates difficulty in a marriage.
Don't use the words "never" and "always" in your statements to one another.
Do not yell. Do not scream. Do not talk in a threatening tone.
Labels: marriage conflict
Handling Conflict in Marriage
Disagreements and arguments crop up in even the best marriages. It's how conflict is handled that is an important key to marital success or failure.
Current research confirms that poorly handled conflict between married couples can negatively influence mental, physical, and family health. Feelings of anger, bitterness, and unhappiness - sometimes leading to separation and divorce - often result.
But couples need not settle for these experiences. Partners can realize, as stated in The Family: A Proclamation to the World, that "marriage between a man and woman is ordained of God" (¶ 1) and that successful and happy marriages "are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities" (¶ 7). Such principles, coupled with an understanding of what conflict is, how to recognize it, and how best to manage it, can help spouses use marriage challenges to build rather than harm their relationship.
When people hear the word conflict, they often picture something very negative, such as fighting, arguing, bitterness, and anger. However, current research suggests that conflict by nature isn't negative at all. It is fundamentally the experience of difference between married couples.
For example, magnets work according to opposite forces. One side is positive, the other negative. In this instance, the terms "positive" and "negative" are not synonymous with "good" and "bad." They merely identify two different - but complementary - forces. In the same way, couples benefit when they learn to understand conflict as fundamentally difference. Just because couples experience conflict doesn't mean they don't love each other. Dealing with differences in opinions, goals, interests, desires, and so on, is a normal part of any marriage relationship. What matters is how couples handle these differences. In a successful relationship, couples work together to deal with their differences rather than walking away and seeking "greener pastures."
One of the best things you can do for your marriage is to learn to handle conflicts and disagreements constructively. Here are some ideas for helping you to do just that:
Check for Destructive Interaction Patterns. According to marriage and family professionals, there are many interaction patterns that can harm a marriage and make dealing with differences and disagreements very difficult. Look over the following list and ask yourself how often they occur when you are having a disagreement. Make your evaluation alone, and then share your notes with your spouse. Resolve together to eliminate that pattern from your relationship.
Harsh Start-ups (Frequently getting started on the wrong foot)
Criticism (Complaints with the intent to attack another person's character)
Contempt (Criticism conveying disgust)
Invalidation (Being made to feel - or making another feel - devalued, not cared about, or put down)
Defensiveness (Counterattacking a partner's character, reflecting blame)
Escalation (Battling each other in a vicious cycle that spirals out of control)
Stonewalling (Withdrawing or "pulling out" with no intent to return, disengaging)
Flooding (Being overwhelmed by criticism, contempt, etc.)
Negative Interpretations (Viewing motives of a partner as "out to get you" or harmful)
The Body's Language (Overwhelming physical responses to "stress-full" interaction such as increased heart rate, tremors, anxiety, etc.)
Failed Repair Attempts (Missed attempts to put the brakes on or "head-off" harmful communication)
Bad Memories (Looking back on the relationship and seeing the "good gone bad" or good simply gone)
Hold Regular Couple Councils. Few couples regularly talk about relationship concerns, so what begin as small issues become larger problems that threaten to destroy a relationship. Couples can use councils to nip problems in the bud. Here's how.
First, plan a specific time and place each week when you and your spouse can talk alone together for at least 30-60 minutes without distractions or interruptions. No TV. No telephone. No kids. For one couple, the time that works best is 8:30 on Sunday evenings, after their children have gone to bed (or at least have gone to their rooms for the night!). Another time may be better for you. Carving out immutable time for the upkeep of your relationship is a tangible way to give your marriage high priority. Use the meeting to take stock of how the relationship is going and to discuss problems.
Discuss a Problem Fully Before Trying To Solve It. When focusing on a problem, couples should first have a full and open discussion about it and understand one another's point of view before trying to solve a problem.
During this time, define together what the problem is, your own part in the problem, and how earlier attempts at dealing with it have proved unsuccessful. Use "I-statements" to express concerns ("I was upset when you forgot our date last week") and make two or three statements before the listener paraphrases what they heard. When listening, focus on the speaker's message and paraphrase what you heard the speaker saying, without rebuttal ("It upset you that I spaced out our date"). Make sure you are both satisfied that you have been heard and understood.
Move On To Solving the Problem, If Necessary. Experts say that about seventy percent of couple issues don't need to be solved, just well discussed. You may find that simply airing a concern is all you need to do. But if your problem needs solving, here is an approach to follow:
Set the agenda. Identify the problem or portion of the problem that needs to be solved
Brainstorm. Think of as many strategies as you can (say, ten) for solving the problem. Write them down so you can review them together.
Discuss and evaluate. Look over the strategies and discuss the pros and cons of each one.
Choose a strategy. Select one of the strategies to try out, one you both feel good about.
Agreement. Agree on what each of you will do to help carry out the solution.
Follow-up. Set a time to follow up on how things are going.
One couple decided they wanted to find a way to boost the family income. During brainstorming, they listed as many ideas as they could to address this need, from one or both partners getting a part-time job, to taking a budgeting class. They discussed and evaluated these possible solutions. They decided that one of them would get a part-time job and selected a date during a couple council to discuss how the solution was going.
When couples use techniques such as these, combined with a deep desire to love and nurture their partner, they are less likely to fall into destructive communication patterns that harm marriages. Important issues get discussed.
For more information on dealing with conflict in marriage, check out Fighting for Your Marriage by Howard Markman, Scott Stanley, and Susan Blumberg, and The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John Gottman.
Labels: marriage conflict
Depression Therapy by Phone May Work
Lasting Improvement Seen in 18-Month Study
By Miranda Hitti
WebMD Health News Reviewed by Louise Chang, MD
March 22, 2007 -- Getting depression therapy by phone may have lasting benefits, a new study shows.
The study included 393 moderately depressed adults who had just started taking antidepressants.
Participants who got 10-12 phone therapy sessions over a year, in addition to standard depression care, showed a greater improvement in depression symptoms than those who only got standard depression care with no phone therapy.
Those benefits lasted at least six months after the last phone therapy session.
The findings appear in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology.
Depression Therapy Study's Details
The study included depression patients enrolled in Group Health Cooperative, a Seattle-area health maintenance organization (HMO). They were about 44 years old, on average; most were white women.
The patients were split into two groups. One group got depression therapy by phone for a year, in addition to standard depression treatment. The other group got standard depression care without phone therapy.
Patients in the phone therapy group got 10-12 sessions of cognitive behavioral therapy over the course of a year from specially trained counselors with master's degrees in psychology.
The patients and counselors never met in person. The counselors called the patients to set up the phone therapy appointments. Patients in both groups were allowed to get in-person counseling, but few did so.
Depression Therapy Phone Sessions
The phone therapy sessions were designed to help patients defuse negative thoughts, cultivate pleasant and rewarding activities, and manage their depression symptoms.
The researchers -- who work for Group Health Cooperative -- interviewed all patients in both groups periodically over a year and a half to gauge their depression symptoms.
The follow-up period ended six months after the phone therapy sessions ended. Even so, patients in the phone therapy group reported a greater improvement in their depression symptoms, compared with those in the standard care group, at the end of the follow-up period.
Those findings follow an earlier report from the researchers showing greater short-term improvement in depression symptoms with phone therapy.
Benefits Lasted After Therapy Ended
"We were surprised at how well the positive effects were maintained over time," researcher Everette Ludman, PhD, says in a Group Health Cooperative news release.
Ludman is a senior research associate with the Group Health Center for Health Studies.
Patients in the phone therapy group were more likely to take their antidepressants. But that didn't completely explain the benefits seen in the phone therapy group, note the researchers.
The study doesn't show what aspects of the phone therapy sessions were most helpful.
Ludman and colleagues aren't suggesting phone therapy as a substitute for other depression treatment.
But the researchers say adding phone therapy to depression treatment could help some patients, especially since many patients don’t get in-person counseling.
Labels: phone counseling for marriage
Successful marriage means dating your spouse
Marriage is the bond between two people, a man and woman who shares their every aspect together ally. Both people must be honest and understanding with each other. Both partner must be able to talk with each other. They must talk and share feeling with each other it will help to build the boundaries to the marriage. There are some ups and down in every ones life but solution can be drawn by simplest way of talking. Loving communication turns into deadly silence. Marriage is the union of body, mind and soul of one man and one woman.
Secrets to a Successful Marriage
Normally marriage is hard work. Adjustment and compromise is the secret key for successful marriage. Here two people who are completely different are come together with hope to live entire life with each other. Many people have trapping feeling after the marriage. They must give space to each other. A little time away from each other sweetens the relationship. God loves marriage, he sees it as a holy and sacred thing. Successful marriage is the backbone of successful society. Breaking down family structure means breaking down national structure. God does the work of match up the personalities. People get confused, disillusioned, and eventually give up on marriage because the above aspects are not being fulfilled to their satisfaction and expectations.
Keys For A Successful Marriage
Marriage partner fails to connect each other on daily basis so it is difficult to connect when dating with your spouse. Dating your spouse is one strategy for successful marriage. For the successful marriage both partners must have psychologically mature. Remember the simple joy of sharing ideas with each another. Marriage becomes weak because of less attention towards your spouse. Marriage can be effectively used after your marriage by dating your loved one spouse. Money is one of the cause for marital friction. Talk with your partner about this.
What Makes a Successful Marriage
Many time relationship fails because of outer stress like finance, family, health problem and work problem. Some couples can manage this problem in very well manner. Better management of the the everyday things in life will allow you to focus more on building a successful marriage. Be careful when building up the relationship with different economic, social and ethnic background. You must deal with potential problem before marriage. Almost the children is the responsibilities of the mother but if father help them in this, it will help to bind your relation strongly. Marriage ask for lot of compromise from both of the party. They much care for each others feeling.
Labels: marriage success
Through individual and group tele-counseling, I assist divorcees to grieve their loss and learn how to transition from being part of a couple to a successful life as a non-partnered person.
Individual Telephone Counseling
My one-on-one counseling is designed to assist divorcees in dealing with their losses and learning to transition from being part of a couple to a successful life as a single person. My telephone-counseling services are individually tailored and are appropriate both for those who simply need a little guidance to jumpstart their new lives as single people and for those with deeper issues predating separation or resulting from the loss of marriage.
Divorce/Support Tele-Groups
Tele-groups consist of caring people who themselves are at various post-divorce stages and can help facilitate the recovery of other group members. Groups offer support, education and problem-solving suggestions and encouragement.
Group topics may include the following:
Parenting
Managing finances
Building new relationships
Transition from being a couple to flying solo
Maintaining a relationship with one's former spouse
How men can maintain relationship with children post-divorce
Telephone counseling is an excellent option and has a number of benefits!
Anonymity and confidentiality:
My strict, ethical counseling is private and confidential.
Convenience:
Phone counseling is ideal when you have a hectic schedule and simply cannot meet the demands of structured counseling and the valuable time that traveling to an office takes. Phone counseling is perfect if you are homebound due to physical and psychological limitations or parental responsibilities.
Psychological comfort:
Making an in-person appointment may feel uncomfortable. Telephone counseling can be a good starting point.
No long-distance charge within the United States:
I pay for the call, so you will never have a long-distance charge on your bill.
A Few Words on the Benefits of Telephone Counseling
While telephone counseling has long been used for crisis-intervention services, hotlines, or as an adjunct to face-to-face counseling, it is fast becoming a primary means for delivering psychotherapeutic services.
There are excellent reasons for this trend. For clients who have limited time, eliminating travel is a major consideration. Research shows that a client who is at ease in their own home is likely to be less inhibited and guarded about discussing difficult topics. The privacy afforded by the phone makes it uniquely useful for someone who may be fearful about seeking counseling services. It is essential to mention that the use of the telephone does NOT change the counselor's obligation or ability to provide sound, competent services and to protect the client's confidentiality.
In conclusion, current research correctly points out that telephone therapy offers a potent combination of intimacy and convenience.
Labels: phone counseling for marriage
Phone Counseling - Expert Advice
Expert Phone Counseling is available to you right now. Congratulations for taking this step to reach out for help. We know you're hurting. There are times when the most talented people do not know how to move beyond certain obstancles. Your ordinarily awesome coping skills are overwhelmed. This happens to all of us at least one to three times in our lives. Ordinary people reach out all the time. We know the courage it takes for you to be here seeking help now. You don't have to wait another minute to receive the help you deserve!
We have to admit, nothing beats a face-to-face therapy session, but the convenience and availability of professional phone therapy is here right now. In the last six years we have offered online counseling and therapy by phone and have been astounded at the results clients have achieved. You will soon be a true believer in the benefits of phone counseling.
Phone counseling will help you with your problem and there are many other benefits to consider as well:
A Phone counselor is fast! Many therapist offices have a two-week wait or longer. When you are in pain, do you want to wait for 4 weeks? You shouldn't.
Therapy by phone is convenient to your schedule. Scheduling a 45-minute appointment takes really more like 3 hours, once you factor in travel time and/or make childcare arrangements.
This form of therapy is ultra-private. Many of you won't go to a psychiatric office because you value your privacy too much. Someone may see you and once your insurance is accessed, your private life is entered into the national medical database. So, many of you suffer alone. No need to worry about that with phone therapy.
Phone counseling is flexible -- it happens wherever you're at (i.e. in the comfort of your home, office or while traveling in your car).
Phone therapy saves you money -- no childcare fees and no need to lose money or precious vacation time by leaving work.
Online Phone therapy meets you exactly where you are at. Some of you will need just a single session, while others will benefit from several helpful sessions. We can even use the Skype program right through your PC.
Personal Benefits
Experience understanding and warmth
Regain hope
Leave each session with a powerful life action plan
Experience relief from your suffering
Heal old wounds
Stop self-destructive habits
Learn how to regulate your emotions
Discover new ways to relieve stress
End your isolation by partnering with a professionally trained therapist
Live joyfully
Increase your self-confidence
Accomplish important goals
Improve relationships
Live fearlessly
Become your own master problem-solver
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Labels: marriage counseling by phone
How to Resolve Conflicts in Your Marriage
By Lisa Granger
Conflicts and disagreements in a marriage are natural. All couples have experienced periods of discord at one time or another during the course of their relationship. As there are instances when personalities clash, there are healthy ways to resolve these conflicts without the threat of terminating the relationship.
If for example you've set up a date to meet your spouse somewhere for dinner and he/she turns up late, your first instinct may be to attack him/her and let out all the mistakes he/she has made in the past. This is definitely not the right approach to this situation.
Instead of going ballistic, listen to their explanation first. There might be a very good reason for their being late. Becoming hot-tempered and hasty is not going to resolve the issue. Of course, there may be some difficulty in keeping your temper under control, especially if it's not the first time this has happened. But once you've understood the reason for their being late, you'll be glad you remained calm and patient. If your spouse does make it a habit of being late for appointments, then a mild scolding will be in order, but don't let it get out of hand.
Whatever the reason for your conflict there are a few things you can do to make up:
Invite your spouse out for a make up date
Cook an extra special dinner for him/her
Buy her flowers or a box of chocolates
Write a love letter
Write a poem of love song
Call your favorite radio station and dedicate a song to him/her
These ideas really work, or come up with some of your own, be creative. In the height of an argument, inserting a joke or funny comment at the right time can have you both laughing and eventually you'll forget that you were bickering.
There are two things vital to conflict resolution:
listening, not just hearing
knowing when to back down
The reason why most disagreements turn into a shouting match is because each wants the other to see his/her point of view. Even though the argument is not your fault, throw in the towel. The shouting match is getting you nowhere. This is no time for pride. You must do this if you love your spouse enough to make amends and bring things back to some degree of normalcy.
Open your mind and ears to the other person's point of view. Do not harbor any preconceived notions about the what's and why's of the argument.
Conflicts and disagreements in a relationship are inevitable. You are two different people with different personalities and ideas. You will end up in situations where your ideas will be at odds. This is only natural and in order to avoid unnecessary conflict is to sit down and talk to each other.
Conflicts also help to build a bond in your relationship, you just need to know how to correctly deal with them.
Labels: Conflicts and disagreements in a marriage are natural
Techniques of conflict resolution; Marriage conflict management
Written by: Lisa Levin, student of psychology, University of Umeå, Sweden, under guidance of Gunborg Palme, certified psychologist, certified psychotherapist, teacher and tutor in psychotherapy.
Answer:
The word conflict comes from the latin word "conflictio" which means "altercation". Conflicts, disagreements and problems in working together will always occur, both among children and adults.
Conflicts can occur in all levels of society; between individuals, in families, workgroups, in local and central decision making, and in society as a whole. There are different reasons why conflicts occur, for example different goals, values or interests, misunderstanding of situations, unsatisfied needs. To live with unsolved conflicts takes energy and may cause people to feel burdened and divided. Because of this, it is important not to shut one's eyes to conflict. Instead, one should try to understand the cause of the conflict and its effects, and then try to influence or resolve the conlfict.
To openly accept conflicts requires courage and willpower. There are many reasons why people choose to suppress understanding of a conflict. Here are some ways of thinking that suppress conflicts:
There is no possibillity to make things better!
I can get in trouble if I try to interfere!
It is best not to think about it!
Am I really able to do something about it?
Perhaps I am the only person who feels that something is wrong!
Someone else will do something about it!
Experiences at an early age often play an important role in how you understand situations. Stress caused by conflict may cause you to use different defence mechanisms. By not accepting that there is a conflict, you try to live with a "harmony model" of reality. Critique and suggestions for change are not understood, because the existence of the conflict is not accepted. But if, instead, a conflict is accepted and solved, this will cause better understanding of the thoughts, feelings and needs of each other, and can also result in more openness, creativity and community. Thus, the conflict can cause a relation or a group to improve itself.
Below is described a model for good problem-solving. The model consists of the following six steps:
Identify and define the problem: Describe the problem in ways which are not based on critique or disdain. "I" statements are the most effective way of formulating a problem. This means that you start with your own feelings and ideas. Be an active listener, let other people state their views, try to understand your opponent, and ask check questions to ensure that you have not misunderstood something. Understanding the views of your opponent can cause you to see the problem in a new way. But do not suppress your own feelings. If you do not say what you feel, your opponent may not be motivated to resolve the problem. Ensure that your opponent understands that you have to find a resolution which satisfies both needs - a solution where no one is a loser, a so-called win-win solution.
Propose different solutions: It is not always easy to immediately see the best solution. Ask your opponent to start proposing solutions - you will have time to propose your ideas later on. Employ active listening techniques and respect the ideas of your opponent. Try to list several different solutions, before evaluating and discussing them.
Evaluate the different solutions: Be frank and critical, use active listening.
Making a decision: A common agreement on a solution is necessary. The solution must be specified in such a way that both parties understand it. Do not try to persuade or press your opponent to accept a certain solution. If your opponent is not able to freely select a solution, which he or she can accept, there is a risk that nothing is improved.
Carry out the solution: Immediately after having agreed on a solution, it is usually necessary to discuss how to implement it. Who will do what, and when? If your opponent does not adhere to what you have agreed on, you should confront them with "I" statements. But do not again and again remind your opponent of their tasks - this will cause them to rely on your reminders instead of taking own responsibility for their own behaviour.
Perform a follow-up evaluation: Sometimes, you may find that there are weaknesses in the solution. Both parties should be willing to revise decisions, but this should be done together, not by one of you alone. You have to agree on all changes to the solution - just as you have to agree on the original solution.
Test to perform these steps, but remember that your best method for effective conflict resolution is active listening, open and direct statements, trust and respect for each other's needs, openness to new facts and patience.
Note: By "active listening" is meant techniques where you check that you have understood what other people mean by rephrasing their views, checking that they agree with your understanding of their views, and asking check questions when needed.
Labels: Techniques of conflict resolution
Resolving Conflict in Marriage
How a Good Fight Keeps Your Relationship Happy
© Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
May 29, 2008
Many couples worry that fighting means the marriage is in trouble. On the contrary, psychologists believe that healthy conflict resolution is the key to a happy marriage.
If you’re holding your tongue about the raised toilet seat lid or dirty dishes all over the living room, you may be doing your marriage more harm than good.
Couples who suppress anger are twice as likely to face early death as those who express it, says University of Michigan psychology professor emeritus Ernest Harburg. A good fight with your spouse could be the key to a happy marriage.
What the Research Shows about Conflict in Marriage
Brooding on the things that irritate you, suppressing your anger, and giving your partner the “silent treatment” are not components of healthy conflict resolution – or a happy marriage.
The key to a happy marriage is healthy conflict resolution, which means expressing how you feel honestly and respectfully.
Why Unhappy Marriages Are Harder on Wives
UCLA researchers found that when husbands go home after work, their stress hormone cortisol is dramatically reduced whether or not they’re happily married. In contrast, wives enjoy lower cortisol levels after work only if they’re happily married. If they’re unhappy, their cortisol increases when they get home. Chronic stress elevates cortisol, which can lead to many health problems: depression, chronic fatigue, and possibly even cancer.
To ensure marriages are happy and cortisol levels are low, let both partners unwind after work, divide parenting responsibilities equally, and share domestic chores. This, along with healthy conflict resolution, may be the key to a happy marriage.
Resolving Conflict in Marriage
"When couples get together, one of their main jobs is reconciliation about conflict," Harburg said. "Usually nobody is trained to do this. If they have good parents, they can imitate, that's fine, but usually the couple is ignorant about the process of resolving conflict. The key matter is, when the conflict happens, how do you resolve it?"
To vent anger, Montreal-based psychologist Dr Laurie Betito suggests starting sentences with “I feel…” rather than “You make me feel...” Try saying “I feel overwhelmed,” instead of “You never help around here” (which puts your partner on the defensive).
“Talking about your problems gives you perspective, makes you feel understood, and allows others to support you,” says Dr Betito. “You don’t feel like you’re all alone.”
Labels: Resolving Conflict in Marriage
Growing Through Conflict in marriage
By Gary Oliver
What is the first memory that comes to mind when you hear the word conflict? How do you feel after experiencing a major conflict with someone you love? If you were asked to associate the word "good" or "bad" with conflict which would you choose?
For many our first memory of conflict is a negative one. After experiencing a major conflict most people feel hurt, anger and frustration. Conflict can be negative and destructive, and there are clearly unhealthy ways of dealing with it. At the same time there IS such a thing as constructive conflict.
Many people are surprised to learn that conflict is a major theme in the Bible. From Genesis to Revelation we find people in conflict with God, within themselves and with each other. You may be surprised to learn that conflict is the process we go through and the price we pay for intimacy. Intimacy is always achieved through facing our differences and negative feelings, listening, understanding and resolving them.
Why is there conflict? Because we are all different. Why are we so different? Because God in His infinite wisdom chose to make each one of us different. In I Corinthians 12 - 14 as well as in numerous others passages we learn that differences were designed by God.
In Romans 15 the Bible encourages us to "be of the same mind," to "accept one another" and to "admonish one another." As you work on having healthy and intimate relationships you will find that sometimes our differences will produce problems that lead to disagreements which often result in conflict. The closer or more important the relationship, the more likely this is to happen.
Relationships aren't destroyed by differences. They are destroyed by the immature, irresponsible and unhealthy ways many of us view those differences and our unwillingness or inability to take them to God and allow Him to help us understand them and use them for our good.
The real problem isn't that we are different or that we disagree and experience conflict. The real problem is that most of us automatically view conflict as negative rather than as a tool that God can use to help us better understand ourselves and each other.
Conflict means that someone has a different value or opinion than you do. Most of us assume that our position is the correct one and we try hard to help the other person see things our way. Of course the other person does the same thing. So rather than working at listening and understanding, many of us try to change the other person. I've worked with many unhappy couples who weren't too sure what the real issue was but they were sure that their opinion was the right one.
While differences can lead to division they are also essential for unity and harmony. There are few things I enjoy more than a good symphony. In the orchestra there are groups of instruments including woodwind, brass, string and percussion. Within those groups there are many different instruments with different sounds. The individual musicians have spent thousands of hours practicing their instrument. The orchestra has spent many more hours rehearsing for the performance.
Finally on the night of the performance the conductor lifts their baton, the instruments begin to play and it happens. All of those different people playing different notes on their different instruments come together and create one beautiful sound. Out of the diversity comes harmony. The beauty of that symphony lies in the harmony.
There is a big difference between families with problems and problem families. All families experience stress and have conflict. Research tells us that healthy families value conflict and have the ability to handle problems in a constructive way. Families that don't face and deal with their problems become problem families. Healthy families understand that conflict is not only a normal part of a relationship, it is essential for the development of understanding and intimacy.
Throughout this next week choose to consider the potentially positive side of differences. Remember that each conflict provides a unique opportunity to better understand the other persons opinions and values.
Labels: conflict resolution in marriage
Making Marriage Work - Conflict Resolution
Family 2007-11-21 13:01
The Chinese have a saying that even the teeth would sometime bite the tongue. It is an apt saying to remind us that even in the closest and most loving of human relationships, in marriage there will be times when conflict does arise and call for resolution.
Misunderstanding is very often the source of a conflict arising. One spouse might perceive the other's action or inaction or words as being very unreasonable and most inappropriate in a given circumstance. Parties are quick to take their positions and justify their stand rather than to try to seek to understand the other party.
Added to this problem of a misunderstanding that has given rise to a conflict is the pride within each one of us to refuse to say sorry and to put up a bold front and say that I am not going to swallow my pride and to seek for forgiveness or reconciliation. A cold war might go on for days before the conflict is resolved and in between, there is tension and much unhappiness.
Dr James Dobson, in his customary frankness tackles this delicate problem in a series of questions and answers set out below.
"Misunderstanding is very often the source of a conflict arising."
Question: You have said every healthy married couple should learn how to fight. What do you mean by that?
Answer: What I have said is that people need to learn how to fight fair, because there is a big difference between healthy and unhealthy combat in marriage. In an unstable marriage, hostility is aimed at the partner, below the belt, with comments like "You never do anything right!" and "Why did I marry you in the first place?" and "You're getting more like your mother every day!" These offensive remarks strike at the very heart of the mate's self-worth.
Healthy conflict, by contrast, is focused on the issues that cause disagreement. For example: "It upsets me when you don't tell me you're going to be late for dinner." Or: "I was embarrassed when you made me look foolish at the party last night."
Can you hear the difference in these two approaches? The first assaults the dignity of the partner while the second is addressed to the source of conflict. When couples learn this important distinction, they can work through their disagreements without wounding and insulting each other.
Question: My wife and I sometimes get into fights when neither of us really wants to argue. I'm not even sure how it happens. We just find ourselves locking horns and then feeling bad about it later. Why can't we get along even when we want to?
Answer: To answer the question, I would need to know more about the circumstances that set off the two of you. The best I can do is describe one of the most common sources of conflict between people who are committed to each other. I call it experiencing "differing assumptions." Let me explain.
When husbands and wives engage one another in angry combat they often feel hurt, rejected, and assaulted by the other person. But when these battles are analyzed objectively, we often see that neither side really meant to wound the other. The pain resulted not from intentional insults but from the natural consequences of seeing things from different angles.
For example, a man might assume that Saturday is his day to play golf or watch a game on television because he worked hard all week and deserves a day off. Who could blame him? But his wife might justifiably assume that he should take the kids off her hands for a few hours because she's been wiping runny noses and changing diapers all week long. She deserved a break today and expected him to give it to her. Again, it's a pretty reasonable assumption. When these unique perspectives collide, about eight o'clock on Saturday morning, the sparks start to fly.
How can you avoid the stresses of differing assumptions at home? By making sure that you and your wife get no surprises. Most of us can cope with anything if we see it coming in time.
Question: My wife and I love each other very much, but we're going through a time of apathy. We just don't feel close to each other. Is this normal, and is there a way to bring back the fire?
Answer: This happens sooner or later in every marriage. A man and woman just seem to lose the wind in their romantic sails for a period of time.
Their plight reminds me of seamen back in the days of wooden vessels. Sailors in that era had much to fear, including pirates, storms, and diseases. But their greatest fear was that the ship might encounter the Doldrums. The Doldrums was an area of the ocean near the equator characterized by calm and very light shifting winds. It could mean certain death for the entire crew. The ship's food and water supply would be exhausted as they drifted for days, or even weeks, waiting for a breeze to put them back on course.
Well, marriages that were once exciting and loving can also get caught in the romantic doldrums, causing a slow and painful death to the relationship. Author Doug Fields, in his book Creative Romance, writes, "Dating and romancing your spouse can change those patterns, and it can be a lot of fun. There's no quick fix to a stagnant marriage, of course, but you can lay aside the excuses and begin to date your sweetheart." In fact, you might want to try thinking like a teenager again. Let me explain.
Recall for a moment the craziness of your dating days--the coy attitudes, the flirting, the fantasies, the chasing after the prize. As we moved from courtship into marriage, most of us felt we should grow up and leave the game playing behind. But we may not have matured as much as we'd like to think.
In some ways, our romantic relationships will always bear some characteristic of adolescent sexuality. Adults still love the thrill of the chase, the lure of the unattainable, excitement of the new and boredom with the old. Immature impulses are controlled and minimized in a committed relationship, of course, but they never fully disappear.
This could help you keep vitality in your marriage. When things have grown stale between you and your spouse, maybe you should remember some old tricks. How about breakfast in bed? A kiss in the rain? Or re-reading those old love letters together? A night in a nearby hotel? A phone call in the middle of the day? A long-stem red rose and a love note? There are dozens of ways to fill the sails with wind once more.
If it all sounds a little immature to act like a teenager again, just keep this in mind: In the best marriages, the chase is never really over.
Question: You have said that the natural progression of a marriage is to become more distant rather than more intimate. Why is that true?
Answer: The natural tendency of everything in the universe is to move from order to disorder. If you buy a new car, it will steadily deteriorate from the day you drive it home. Your body is slowly aging. Your house has to be repainted and repaired every few summers. A business that is not managed carefully will unravel and collapse. A brick that is placed on a vacant lot and left there long enough will eventually turn to dust. Indeed, even the sun and all the stars are slowly burning themselves out. We are, in a manner of speaking, in a dying universe where everything that is not specifically being protected and upgraded is in a downward spiral.
The principle that governs this drift from order to disorder might be called "the law of disintegration." (Engineers and scientists sometimes call it "the law of entropy.") The only way to postpone or temporarily combat its influence is to invest creative energy and intelligent design into that which is to be preserved.
Not so surprisingly, human relationships also conform to the principle of disintegration. The natural tendency is for husbands and wives to drift away from each other unless they work at staying together. To provide another analogy, it is as though they were sitting in separate rowboats on a choppy lake. If they don't paddle vigorously to stay in the same neighborhood, one will drift to the north of the lake and the other to the south. That is exactly what happens when marital partners get too busy or distracted to maintain their love. If they don't take the time for romantic activities and experiences that draw them together, something precious begins to slip away. It doesn't have to be that way, of course, but the currents of life will separate them unless efforts are made to remain together.
I wish every newly married couple knew about the law of disintegration and actively protected their relationship from it.
Labels: conflict resolution in marriage
Conflict Resolution: Conflict is inevitable in relationships. No matter how much you love someone, you will have differing ideas, preferences, or favored activities. Learning how to resolve these differences, appropriately, can avoid prolonged or destructive anger and hostility. Conflict resolution skills include cultivating the right attitude as well as learning interpersonal techniques. An attitude of cooperation, valuing partnership, demonstrating trust, and general goodwill toward one another aid in the goal of reducing and resolving conflicts. Consider the following principles for conflict resolution:
Try to take a problem-solving attitude toward issues, versus one of blame. Problem solving is much more practical and leads people in a different—and more productive—direction than blame. Assigning responsibility is useful to the degree it helps to generate solutions. Blame has a component of punishment attached.
Learn to take responsibility for your anger: other people can’t make you angry any more than they can make you happy or cause you to lose five pounds. It is true that you can take what they say to you, and as you dwell upon it, you can make yourself very angry about what they have said. You may think, “How dare he say that! He has no right,” but this is just your reaction to what was said.
When angry, you may need to discuss the issue at another time, or have a referee, or hold your discussion in a coffee shop (where the presence of others will keep both of you from yelling or insulting one another).
Alternatively, you can “argue” in writing. The advantage of writing to one another is that you may end up explaining your position more clearly, and are likely to remain respectful, as you commit your thoughts and words to paper. This is a good technique to de-fuse angry disagreements.
Include in your rules for arguments and discussions that neither of you will yell, call names, put down, or otherwise insult or demean the other.
Learn to take a "time out" in order to cool your anger until you’re able to be responsible for your behavior. Time outs should follow certain rules:
It’s not OK to use time outs to “ding” the other person, for example, after you’ve had the last word.
Time outs can’t be used to leave and go somewhere that will escalate the argument. That is, if you're arguing about whether you go to the local bar too often, then it’s not OK to take a time out so you can go to the bar.
On your time out do things that allow you to gain self-control and mellow out. You could exercise (walk, jog, bicycle), do relaxation exercises, stretching, or yoga, or meditate. Don’t do something that contributes to your anger—for many people, activities like working out on a punching bag can raise levels of aggression and anger.
7. Make use of “cool down” activities—less formal than time out’s, cool downs can be momentary breaks that allow both of you to catch your breath and de-escalate. You could offer to make a cup of tea or coffee, or a sandwich. You could propose a walk around the block. You could suggest, “Hey, let’s stop and take a deep breath.” Remember: this works better when you use I messages and are responsible for your own process. To say, “I’m feeling pretty tense…give me a moment here. How about if I get both of us some lemonade, so I can calm down, and we can continue to have a good discussion?” It usually doesn’t work if you say, “Hey, calm down!” You’re actions are likely to be perceived as a put down and an attempt to control the other person’s behavior. Concentrate on how you can manage your own behavior appropriately.
Labels: marriage conflict resolution
marriage: secrets of positive marriage conflict
written by: juande romino; article published: year 2007, month 01;
The Gottman research tells us how. Here is the secret: Start and end any 'issue' discussion on a positive note. When you do that, you have positive marriage conflict.
You only fight about resolvable issues. You achieve positive marriage conflict by eliminating irresolvable issues, and only fighting about resolvable ones. When you begin an 'issue' discussion on a positive and respectful note, you can hardly call it a 'fight.' It's a discussion between people who love each other. You listen to each other. You look for compromises. You look for winwin solutions to the issue.
You can't imagine the difference it makes when those unresolvable issues generate humor and grace, rather than anger, frustration, and hurtful accusations. Then the resolvable issues can be resolved. There is no bitterness, anger or vengeance.
begin issue discussions positively
To achieve positive marriage conflict, Dan and Susan agreed to begin all issue discussions positively, and even agreed on a "script" to use. When one of them had an issue to discuss, he or she would say, "Sweetheart, I want to have a few minutes of your time to discuss __________. I want us both to be in a positive and loving mood. Would you like to do it now, or wait until you feel more receptive?"
The important parts are:
1. "I want to have a discussion about (some resolvable issue)."
2. "We'll have a better outcome if both of us are in a positive and loving mood."
3. "I feel ready now, do you? If not, when can we schedule it?" If you and your partner are working together on creating a happy marriage that lasts, you can work out a process that works for both of you, to achieve positive marriage conflict.
use positives and avoid negatives during the discussion
This is the hard part for lots of people. It's difficult for anyone to accept anything that feels like criticism, and even if you use "I" messages instead of "You" messages, some people only hear implied criticism.
For example:
"I'm feeling frustrated because the garbage wasn't put out for pick up, and now we'll have to wait until next week's pickup and the can is full. What can we do together to assure the garbage always gets put out on schedule?"
That's a whole lot better than using "You" messages: "You forgot to put the garbage out again. You said you would take care of the garbage, and you haven't." The "You" messages tend to be more accusatory, and more like criticism. It's hard not to go on the defensive, and get angry. (Side Note: I've spent many years trying to find ways to teach "Active Listening" to adults, and few of them really learned to use Active Listening effectively. Also, I'm no longer sure it works, even if used effectively. The studies show decidedly mixed results. Still, the "I" messages are a lot less likely to give rise to anger and defensiveness than "You" messages.) I now believe the positive start, the effort to be positive, and an "abort" agreement is the safest process for everyone.
what's an "abort" agreement?
If either person feels angry feelings rising, or their heartbeat races, or they feel upset, or hurt, or unloving or negative, they can ask to abort the discussion for 30 minutes or longer, and use some calming technique that will bring them back down to a calm and positive mode. With couples working together, each will understand what is happening, and how the Abort is really a loving attempt to avoid any transactions that may be damaging to the relationship.
end issue discussions positively
To assure positive marriage conflict discussions, it's helpful to learn and practice some good positive endings.
Examples: "Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with me on this issue." "I'm happy that we could find a win-win solution to the issue." "I love you and I appreciate your being willing to work through these discussions in a positive and loving way."
alternatives for item 2
"We didn't find a solution that will work for both of us yet, but I think we will find one eventually."
"We made a lot of progress, and each of us is willing to make concessions. We'll get back to it again."
what do you do if you or your partner just can't do it?
One couple found they were not able to do it. They tried again and again, but always ended up feeling angry or having some other bad feeling. Finally, they decided to hold 'issue' discussions by email. Whenever one of them wanted to start an issue discussion that might lead to a fight, he or she would go to the computer and compose an email to the other. They agreed that the person who wanted the discussion would start the email with something loving, warm, and respectful, such as:
"Dearest Sweetbuns. Love of my life, friend and co-parent of two lovely children: I have a request to make of you. Please, next Tuesday, think of something you can do to remind yourself to take the garbage out. The can is full, and we must now wait a week until the next pickup. If there is anything I can do to help you remember — without seeming to nag — I'd be happy to do it. Just ask. I appreciate so much that you've agreed to handle the garbage, and everything else you do to make our lives and marriage happier. You're a joy to be married to."
Every email would start in a positive and respectful place, and end with appreciation and a loving note.
Both of them reported that the act of typing a positive, loving beginning seemed to make their anger, hurt, or other bad feeling disappear. The fellow said he even got a laugh out of writing outrageously "over the top" sentiments at the beginning and end, and he could never stay angry about whatever the issue was.
Using email may seem like an extreme step, but both people felt it made "a world of difference" in how they felt about each other. They had found a way to completely stop potentially dangerous fighting. They proved that you really can achieve positive marriage conflict discussions, even if you can't talk face to face, without fighting
Labels: marriage conflict
Managing Conflict in Marriage
Have you ever had a disagreement or misunderstanding with your spouse? If you’re truthful, the answer will most certainly be "Yes!". Conflict in marriage is inevitable. Even the best marriages experience conflict from time to time. The key to success in marriage is how couples handle their conflicts and differences.
Some typical issues that often spark conflict in marriage are:
Money—regardless of how much money a couple has, it is often the biggest source of marital conflict. It’s important for spouses to discuss their values and feelings about money so each partner can try to understand the other. Working out a budget and planning finances usually require negotiation and compromise, but they are important tasks that help couples set priorities and goals for the future.
In-laws—are usually most problematic in the early years of a marriage. In-law issues can trigger conflict within the entire family. Spouses can deal with in-law problems by sharing their feelings and discussing what kind of relationship they want with their in-laws. Expressing negativity about in-laws usually just makes things worse.
Sex—this is an emotional issue and many spouses are afraid of getting hurt or rejected by their partners so they avoid discussing their feelings about sexual issues. In order for couples to resolve conflicts about sexual matters, it is crucial that they communicate directly, specifically and lovingly about their needs.
Child-rearing—is a time-consuming task that requires huge amounts of energy. Husbands and wives often have conflicting views on how to parent, based on how they were raised. Whatever decisions and rules parents make, it’s important that they are united in front of the children. Otherwise, kids will learn to play one parent off the other, which contributes to further conflict in the marriage.
It’s important to remember that if conflict and negativity are unresolved, that the good aspects of a marriage usually diminish. Although some conflict is unavoidable, it is critical for spouses to manage their differences in constructive ways in order for the marriage to be healthy.
Source: University of Missouri Extension GH 6610 "Creating a Strong and Satisfying Marriage"
Labels: Managing Conflict in Marriage
The Great No-No
If you picked up this book because of difficulties in your own relationship, then your simple act
indicates two important things about you. First, it signifies that you’re feeling some pain. I’m not talking
about the obviously physical just-cut-your-finger kind of pain. I’m talking about the kind of pain that
hurts somewhere in your spirit. But even though your pain is spiritual, it can still be described in physical
terms. If your relationship is in acute crisis then the pain may feel sharp and piercing. Or if your
frustration is chronic then the pain may feel like a dull ache or perhaps an empty, hungry kind of
sensation. Another possibility is a stifling, suffocating kind of feeling. You may associate it with your
chest, your heart, the pit of your stomach, the back of your neck or even your head. But wherever you
feel it, whether it’s subtle or intense, you’re still feeling some form of pain. You may also have the
disturbing sense that your life wasn’t supposed to turn out this way. You started this marriage with
dreams that you hoped your relationship would fulfill. You wanted love, respect, and a soul-mate with
whom you could share life’s experiences. You not only wanted to be nurtured, but you wanted to be
appreciated for being the loving person you always knew you could be. You wanted the opportunity to let
your love unfold and now you fear that the opportunity is passing you by.
The second thing indicated by picking up this book is that you still harbor hope. Maybe it’s not a
lot of hope. Perhaps it’s just the tiniest fraction of hope. However, it’s still hope. After all, this isn’t a
book about divorce or suicide. And you’re probably also hoping that this book will offer you tools that
are effective. You want this help to be practical because you’re concerned about results. You’re probably
tired of skimming the plethora of self-help books that speak of the eight principles of this and the six rules
of that and yet still leave you with unsettling questions of how to get to from here to there. Questions
like: “HOW can we work on emotional intimacy when all we do is fight?” or “HOW can we rebuild this
relationship when all I ever get from my partner is the feeling that I’m never enough?!” You want
practical interventions for these kinds of problems.
2
This book will be practical. You can expect to learn the following:
• Strategies to build love and affection in your relationship
• Exercises to bring you and your partner into closer intimacy
• The real hidden dangers to your relationship that most people don’t know
• Common myths that hinder your relationship
• Destructive relationship patterns such as enmeshment, conflict avoidance and the delinquent
helper syndrome
• Six types of conflict including three that can actually help your relationship
• Strategies to manage conflict more effectively
• A strategy for structuring finances in a way that reduces conflict
• Methods to keep your relationship in balance in order to maintain passion
• Exercises to strengthen the healthy parts of your personality that support your relationship
In this book you can thoroughly learn all of these things. Your perspective and understanding may
become crystal clear. And even if your vision does become clear, and even if you do see your past
mistakes as well as a new and better path, even if all this happens and you rely on this knowledge, but
only on this knowledge to help you, then you will probably fail. That’s right. I said “fail.” Not that I
want you to fail. In fact I’m going to do my very best to help you to succeed. But if you rely only on your
insight and knowledge to help you, then you will probably fail because the biggest obstacle we all face in
emotional intimacy isn’t our ignorance. It’s our fear. And we usually fear ourselves most of all.
The biggest obstacle we all face in emotional
intimacy isn’t our ignorance. It's our fear.
And we usually fear ourselves most of all.
If you’re going to successfully improve your marriage, then you will need more than insight and
knowledge. You will need both courage and faith to help you face whatever it is that you fear most about
yourself. In addition to teaching you new behavioral strategies, this book will help prepare you for the
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emotional challenge ahead. Most self-help relationship books shy away from this topic. A few exhort
you to get your external life in order and focus on your interests or behavior. That’s OK advice, but I’m
more concerned that you get your internal life in order. Relationship change strategies usually fail a
person who is emotionally unprepared. In fact, most surveys of couples in marriage counseling indicate
that only one-third of them report significant improvement. My interpretation of this disappointing
percentage is that most people unknowingly sabotage their attempts at marital improvement and they do
so because of emotions they don’t understand or even recognize. The reason why these emotions are so
enigmatic is because we don’t want to talk about them. We’re afraid of them. We collectively keep each
other in the dark because we all act as if these emotions don’t exist. The emotions to which I’m referring
are shame and the fear of shame. And an interesting thing about shame is that, like mold, it grows in the
dark.
If there were ever such a thing as a worldwide conspiracy it would be this: That no one wants to
admit that we are all influenced by fear throughout our everyday existence; that along with the more
positive emotions of love, curiosity, sensuality, and the desire for pride and self-actualization, we are
similarly motivated by the fear of shame that both nips at our heels and narrows our vision of opportunity.
But a conspiracy involves people getting together to covertly communicate. What do we call it when
people are secretive about something and they covertly discourage communication? An “un-conspiracy”
or a “reverse conspiracy”? Somehow, those don’t quite get it. For want of a better name, I’ve resigned
myself to calling it “The Great No-No.”
At this point, let me invite you to get a more personal feel for this subject. The following self-
exam lists personal challenges that we all experience. The items are framed in the second person plural
“We” instead of “You” because I don’t want you to feel individually targeted as if the rest of the human
race doesn’t struggle along with you. If you’re feeling especially adventurous you might ask your partner
to take the exam too and then compare your answers.
4
The “No-No” Self-Exam
Instructions:
Make a copy of this self-exam so you can write on the copy. For each item, write in a “0”, “1”, or
“2” to indicate how frequently or how relevant each item pertains to you. Do not leave any fields blank
and use the following key:
0 = Never or irrelevant 1 = Occasionally 2 = Frequently or very relevant
_______ We don’t try something new because it might feel “silly”
_______ We keep focusing on responsibilities because they seem
all important
_______ We don’t take time out to wonder and explore
_______ We consider fun to be unimportant
_______ We hesitate to pursue our heart’s desire because of other
people’s opinions
_______ We don’t request a “favor” from our partner because it
might be turned down
_______ We accuse our partner of being selfish or insensitive so
that we don’t have to make a request
_______ We only comply with our partner’s expectations and
don’t initiate our own plans
_______ We don’t take time in our day to daydream about
possibilities
_______ We raise our voice while arguing
_______ We focus on how to change our partner instead of how
we want to be
_______ We try to show how independent and strong we can be
_______ We focus on our partner’s forgiveness instead of devising
a plan for correction
_______ We refuse to acknowledge a mistake even though we’re
aware of it
_______ We wake up in the morning and initially feel uneasy and
anxious for no reason
_______ We make pride the most important thing in our lives
_______ We insist that our partner must change before we do
_______ We don’t tell our partner when we’re angry because it
wouldn’t be nice
_______ We try to make our partner love us by sacrificing what is
important to us
_______ We make approval more important than truth
_______ We let obligations control our time and we don’t
schedule any time for enjoyment
_______ We use sarcasm against our partner
5
_______ We dredge up old resentments as weapons
_______ We invade or refuse our partner’s privacy
_______ We fail to establish our own privacy
_______ We hold onto unrealistic hope in a truly abusive
relationship
_______ We hide lying or dishonest behavior
_______ Total (Sum up the column when finished)
The purpose of this exercise is to let you confront some of your own defenses, not for you to
obtain a score. However, I know that some of us have a proclivity towards measuring things. Therefore,
let me interpret the following. If you score 5 or less then you are exceptionally free from shame. If your
score is above 40 then you’re experiencing a lot of defensive inefficiency. Your life may be disrupted in a
number of spheres. Most people score between 10 and 40.
All of the items in the preceding self-exam involve our fear of shame. We fear and try to avoid
the shameful sense that we’re unimportant and undeserving. Shame takes different forms, but in this
context it’s the pain of feeling that we’re somehow less than we’re supposed to be. While guilt is a
negative feeling about what we do, shame is a devaluation of who we are. It’s about whether we perceive
our very existence as being important. And this fear of shame plays out on a totally symbolic level. In
our civilization we no longer fear cave bears and saber-tooths. Instead, we fear a loss of stature in our
own self-evaluation. Because this self-evaluation isn’t about physical reality, what we’re really afraid of
is something symbolic. We fear the symbolic meaning of a mistake or a poor performance. We’re afraid
of the negativity in a disapproving glare, a sarcastic comment, a forgotten date, a raised eyebrow, or a
bored sigh. We’re vulnerable to the personal devaluation inherent in a raised voice, an irrelevant
interruption in the middle of our talking, inequity in our relationships, having another person tell us how
we feel, the lack of pursuit by a person who says they still love us, and especially, the experience of not
being asked about what we want or how we feel.
Most of us don’t fully appreciate how much the fear of shame operates in our lives. One reason is
that we don’t like to admit to others anything about ourselves that doesn’t enhance our popularity.
Neither fear nor shame is a hot commodity in the interpersonal status market. We want others to view us
as always being motivated by positive emotions. Nobody wants to talk about or acknowledge the
negative feelings. And when we adopt a distorted popular image of what being human should be, we
often fool ourselves about how we really are. We want to fit in. We want to be normal. We don’t like to
admit, even to ourselves, that we have feelings of vulnerability. The irony in this situation is a truth that
6
sounds like a weird distortion of Roosevelt’s famous admonition about fear. Only this one goes: we’re
afraid of our shame and ashamed of our fear.
We're afraid of our shame and ashamed of our fear.
Another reason why we’re unaware of this fear is that the feeling can be very subtle. It’s usually
not the experience of strong terror. It’s more often a subtle anxiety that leads us to react quickly before we
even become aware of it. Think about whether you’ve ever experienced the following:
• You didn’t apply for a position or opportunity because you thought you might fail even
though there was a possibility for success. (Probable dynamic: You were afraid that failure
would give you the shameful feeling that you didn’t deserve what you wanted.)
• Another person directly expressed their deep affection to you. You became uneasy and
changed the subject. (Probable dynamic: You were afraid that you wouldn’t be able to say
or do the right thing in return. You were afraid of feeling the shame of an inadequate
emotional performance.)
• You didn’t pursue a private interest of yours because your partner wanted you to stay
home. You really didn’t want to stay home but you didn’t want to cause any friction.
(Probable dynamic: You were afraid of your partner’s wrath and/or accusations of your
“selfishness.” More importantly, you were afraid of having to utilize your anger in a
conflict situation. You were afraid that your own anger would make you appear “ugly,”
“selfish,” or “unloving.”)
• At the end of the day, you think about taking your coffee cup to a private place to relax
and think. However, you quickly change your mind because you have more important
things to do. (Probable dynamic: If this happens very occasionally, you may just have
pressing responsibilities. If it happens more frequently, you’re probably afraid of letting
go of responsibilities because they’re your defense. Your activity helps you to avoid
feeling shame. Although you tell yourself that relaxing would be too indulgent, you’re
actually afraid to stop feeling proud of your accomplishments. You feel driven to
accomplish things because you’re afraid of otherwise feeling unimportant or inadequate.
Many people start feeling depressed and unimportant if they stop frenetic activity.)
• When you sometimes get up in the middle of the night, you think about how quickly time
is passing in your life. You feel some of your losses more acutely. You fear your eventual
death and you wonder about the overall meaning of your life. However, you never get
around to sharing these thoughts and feelings with your partner. (Probable dynamic:
You’re afraid of talking about these feelings and sounding silly or weird. You’re afraid of
your partner’s possible reaction if you do share them. You’re afraid that they might
7
confirm that you’re abnormal or perhaps intellectually inadequate for attempting such a
weighty discussion.)
• You’re feeling taken for granted in your relationship. You indict your partner for a long
list of past wrongs. You demand for them to change instead of requesting that they sit
down with you for some planning sessions. (Probable dynamic: You covertly fear that
you’re too dependent. You’re afraid that being too dependent makes you weak and
defective. Therefore, you don’t want to appear weak by making a request. By making
demands, you get to view yourself as strong. By indicting your partner for past
transgressions, you get to feel superior as well. More importantly, you protect yourself
from having to experience your personal request being ignored or refused. Demands don’t
hurt as much if they’re rejected. A request that is ignored, forgotten, or refused is more
likely to stir up the sense that you expected too much for yourself. After all, it seems that
if you were truly important to your partner, they would have been more responsive.)
• You indict your partner for not being sufficiently available to the children. You omit the
fact that you especially want your partner to be available for you. (Probable dynamic:
You’re ashamed of your dependence again. You’re afraid of a more obvious and therefore
painful rejection compared to the subtle one you’re already experiencing. While it’s true
that you’re concerned about your children’s welfare, it’s also true that the children are to
some extent being used as surrogates for your own needs. You’re afraid of feeling
ashamed if those needs were to be exposed and somehow ridiculed.)
• You want your partner to “help” with the household responsibilities. You’re critical of
him/her not helping enough. (Probable dynamic: It doesn’t occur to you that you’re
holding onto authority by delegating tasks. You’re unaware That you’re treating your
partner as a subordinate. You resist the loss of authority that would come if you and your
partner were to negotiate task ownership as equals. After all, it seems that the household
should be your domain. There’s a subtle threat of covert shame if you were to give away
some of your control. Your partner’s different performance standards might negatively
reflect back on you. Besides, you don’t like giving up your pride in organizing all aspects
of your household.)
All of these situations involve the fear of shame. It’s subtle and usually operates well beneath our
awareness. What’s more relevant to the current discussion is that our fear of shame inhibits our ability to
change our behavior or negotiate changes from our partner. If our relationship were a car, then our fear of
shame would be the emergency brake stuck on hold. We might move forward, but it would be slowly and
with great resistance.
If our relationship were a car, then
our fear of shame would be the
emergency brake stuck on hold.
8
In the following vignette, these dynamics are revealed in a case example that happened to coincide
with my writing on this topic. It’s a good illustration of how the fear of shame can influence our
interactions far beyond our awareness. Read about Jim and Marie’s argument and see if you can see any
of yourself in their story.
Anatomy of a Quarrel
Jim and Marie came for marriage counseling to increase communication and to help Jim with his
anger management. Jim acknowledged that he had a short fuse and that his raging was sometimes
excessive. This was probably accentuated by his tall imposing physique. He was able to keep his anger
in check for his upper management position but didn’t do nearly so well at home. In contrast, Marie was
a rather quiet and petite school teacher. She had emotionally distanced herself from Jim for the past
several years. The couple had been married twenty-two years and had three children, two of whom were
still living at home. There had been no separations, no violence, and no history of affairs. After a half-
dozen counseling sessions, the couple reported their relationship and communication had improved.
During one of the later counseling sessions, Marie reported a recent quarrel that had occurred like
this: the whole family, except for the oldest son, had been together for their big Sunday dinner. Jim and
Marie were both upset about having recently discovered that their oldest son had lied to them. Their son
had taken a loan from them under false pretenses. He did not have a job as he had previously led them to
believe. During dinner, Jim ranted and raved about the situation. Although Marie was similarly upset
about the news, she was also concerned that their other two children were present. For her, Jim’s angry
venting was spoiling a ritual for family cohesion. Having already learned a new tool from counseling, she
asked Jim to come with her into a different room so they could speak privately. Marie then told Jim that
his anger was excessive and that it was spoiling the dinner. Jim protested that he was entitled to his
feelings and she shouldn’t demand that he give them up. Marie persisted in telling him that she wanted
the family to enjoy their dinner without further turmoil. When they returned to dinner, Jim was quiet for a
while but eventually lapsed back into his angry venting. After dinner, Jim and Marie continued to quarrel.
However, there was now a new dimension. After dinner, Marie had tried to escape Jim’s anger by
retreating to another room, but Jim followed her and kept up his diatribe. Marie then tried to escape to yet
another room, but again, Jim followed her and kept on ranting. Even though Jim was criticizing their
9
oldest son, and not Marie, she had had enough and didn’t want to hear any more. The quarrel ended only
because Marie had to leave the house to drive one of the children to an event .
During the counseling session when Marie and Jim were describing their recent quarrel, I made
some interesting observations. One was that Jim didn’t want to talk about the issue of Marie’s right to
retreat from his anger. When I kept raising the issue, Jim’s facial expression was that of bored disgust.
He frequently diverted attention back to the subject of his son’s deceit. This was a seemingly
unintelligent response from a man who works in a human relations field. I wondered what was really
going on with him. Marie then brought up the fact that Thanksgiving dinner was coming up soon and she
didn’t want a repeat performance of Jim’s anger at the table. I invited Marie to work that out with Jim
right there in the session. She then turned to Jim and bluntly stated that she didn’t want the issue of the
oldest son raised at all during Thanksgiving dinner. She then turned back to me as if she had finished
what I had asked her to do. At that point something became clear to me and I asked her about how she
had negotiated for Jim’s cessation of ranting during the initial dinner incident. When she had him off
privately in the side room, did she actually ask him for a commitment? Marie’s first response was one of
confusion. After a bit more discussion, she finally admitted that,“no,” she had not asked Jim for a
commitment. I then asked Marie to turn toward Jim and actually ask if he would agree to refrain from
angry expressions during Thanksgiving dinner. Marie halted and turned back with a bewildered look on
her face. The ensuing dialogue went something like this:
“This is hard. I’m afraid I’m going to be hurt if he actually says he’s going to do something and
then he doesn’t. That would be really painful.”
I replied “Yes, I imagine that might be true. And you don’t feel as vulnerable if you merely state
your expectations or throw them at him, do you? You feel a lot more vulnerable asking him for
something when there is the possibility that you might be rejected. I would guess that if he rejects your
request outright, you’d take it like a personal rejection – or am I wrong about that? Tell me if I’m
wrong.”
“No, you’re right. That’s how I would feel.”
I continued: “That’s really a kind of fear. It’s subliminal but your reaction just now indicates that
you don’t ask for a commitment because you’re afraid. Do you think that the same fear was operating
that night after the dinner incident? I mean you didn’t actually ask for a commitment then either did
you?”
10
Marie leapfrogged ahead a giant step at this point. We had had previous discussions about the
possible influence of her uninvolved parents when she was a child.
“You know it makes sense but I guess I really didn’t realize it at the time. Remember we talked
before about how when I was growing up my parents really ignored me. I didn’t ask for anything back
then either. I couldn’t. There was no use.”
I tried to give her support. “And it helped you to survive. It really fit back then. It helped you
survive it without getting overwhelmed with pain. For a little child, feeling rejected is almost like feeling
annihilated. But that was then and this is now. Go ahead and ask Jim this time. Ask him about
Thanksgiving dinner. Give him an opportunity to get involved with you.”
Marie proceeded to do a commendable job of asking for a commitment. Of course by this time
Jim was really primed. He even articulated back to her his detailed commitment to avoid expressing
anger during Thanksgiving dinner. Marie was pleased.
The next part of the session focused on how Marie had originally complicated the original
argument by confronting Jim about his anger’s intensity. I pointed out to Marie that Jim’s poor timing in
ranting during dinner was a valid issue. However, why was she evaluating its intensity? I confronted
Marie and told her that Jim had been correct in one respect. He accurately perceived that she was trying
to invalidate his feelings. When she did that, she ruined her chances for successfully confronting him
about his timing. Marie was perplexed. She asked if it really was all right for him to get so angry and
loud.
“Did he attack you at all? Did he hit you or threaten you? Did he use sarcasm on you?” I asked.
“No,” Marie replied.
“Well, if the two of you had been alone and he wasn’t intruding on your privacy and there was no
dinner to be disrupted, then would you have been OK with his intense anger? You know, if the two of you
were just privately discussing your son?”
She replied, “I really don’t know, probably not. I don’t think I’ll ever feel comfortable when he
gets like that. Is it really OK for him to get like that? I really don’t know. I’m not sure I really know
what is normal or what I really should expect.”
11
Marie’s comment about not knowing normalcy was a surefire indicator that she was struggling
with her past. We talked about her family background: that her parents yelled and sometimes got violent,
that her mother often hit her, and the near absence of loving attention from either of her parents. Marie
agreed that she associated Jim’s intense anger and loud expression with the lack of safety she experienced
as a child. We discussed how some people are relatively comfortable around their partner’s intense anger
because they’ve never experienced violence. She eventually accepted the interpretation that her parents’
violence had left her over-reactive to her husband’s non-violent anger. Marie and I discussed how she
would need to accept her husband’s anger. She would also need to learn how to retreat from Jim in
situations where she felt too uncomfortable.
The remaining piece of the puzzle was Jim’s tendency to follow and intrude on Marie’s privacy
when she wanted and needed to retreat. Even if Marie could accept that Jim had “a right to his feelings”
(as he termed it), Jim still intruded on Marie’s privacy when she would try to retreat during future
episodes. At this point, I figured that Marie’s preceding disclosures might have made Jim less defensive.
I decided to try a new tack.
“Jim, what’s the story on your following Marie when she’s trying to calm herself down?”
Jim thought for a moment before replying. “I just didn’t want to leave it before she could
understand. I could tell from what she was saying that she didn’t understand the situation. I didn’t want
to end our discussion with a lack of understanding.”
“But Jim, at that point she was no longer listening. She was hearing your anger and reacting to
that instead of your ideas. You would never have gotten her to understand by continuing with your
ranting, especially by violating her privacy.”
“I know, I know. But you asked me what was going on back then and I told you. I had this very
strong frustration that I wasn’t being understood. I just couldn’t leave it like that.”
I took a chance. “So you couldn’t leave it because that’s a very painful feeling, an almost
unbearable feeling for you ….to not be understood about something you feel strongly about….and then to
be left, maybe that plays in there too. How about it Jim? How about the possibility that you’ve felt that
before?” I watched Jim closely because something about his demeanor indicated we were onto something
important. I continued pressing. “Where does that come from? Who used to do that?” Jim’s sudden
12
stillness and inward gaze confirmed my hunch. “Who was it Jim….who was it?” I waited and was
determined to say nothing until Jim answered me.
In the tension of the moment, Marie’s patience abandoned her first. She blurted out the answer for
her partner, as is all too common among couples in counseling: “It’s his dad! He used to tell me his dad
would yell and scream and then leave home for days at a time.”
By now, Jim was beginning to mobilize. He also probably didn’t want his wife to continue talking
authoritatively about his most vulnerable subject. He echoed Marie:
“It was my father. He was a bad drunk and he’d just take off for days, usually after he got real
mad about something.” He nodded while saying this, then became silent and continued with an inward
looking kind of expression with his eyes not focusing on anything around him. He remained still while I
picked up the conversation.
“Let me guess at something Jim. Back then, could you talk to him at all? Could you ever get him
to understand you?
Jim’s facial expression was saying a lot. In addition to the change in his facial coloration, the
telltale glint of welling tears was beginning to show along his lower eye lids. By now his voice had
become more “breathy” from painful emotion and the tightening in his diaphragm.
“No… I never could get him to listen…especially when he was angry. Everything came down
from him but nothing could go back the other way. I didn’t dare….not when he was angry. He was a real
rage-aholic. An alcoholic and rage-aholic, too.
“So Dad would rant and rage and he would act in such a way that you could never felt understood
by him….and then he’d up and leave you. Is that how it was? Did I get that right?”
Jim didn’t answer. He just sat there, teary-eyed, looking miserable.
I continued. “It’s a heck of a coincidence, but you know it’s really not a coincidence, don’t you?
I mean, you can’t stand for Marie to leave you without your being understood. It has both elements there.
You can’t stand it when you’re not understood and you can’t stand to be left. So you try to avoid that old
awful feeling that you are worthless, unimportant, and like a nothing, but you avoid it in a desperate kind
13
of way. You continue raging and you don’t allow Marie to have her privacy to collect herself. Tell me if
I’m off-base.”
Jim replied very solemnly: “No. You’re not off-base. In fact, I think you’re hitting the nail right
on the head. I just never looked at it like that before. He continued to reflect. After a while he
concluded, “I’ve got a lot to think about.”
The rest of the session flowed with understanding and cooperation. We all now had a common
model for what had really transpired during the day of the infamous dinner quarrel. The blaming had
stopped and both Jim and Marie were now more receptive to each other. It was obvious that we had
opened up issues for each that they would be examining for a long time to come. Before they left, I gave
each of them an assignment to practice certain self-suggestions. I wanted them to consolidate their gains.
A lot of additional work would be required but we had established a good start.
The reason why I present this little vignette is to further clarify the biggest obstacles one faces
when attempting to change their own emotionally-rooted behavior. There’s a good metaphor to help you
with your understanding. Imagine that most of your relationship behaviors are like plants that have roots
extending way down into deep emotions. You can’t see all the roots but they’re vitally important to what
happens up above on the surface. In Jim and Marie’s case, what can we conclude about some of their
obstacles? Let’s take that same question from a different angle. Let’s suppose both Jim and Marie were
not in counseling and were trying to improve their communication on their own. The central questions
would then be the following:
What feelings would Marie have to endure if she were to start asking Jim to commit to suppressing his
anger in certain situations?
1. What feelings would Marie have to endure if she were to start asking Jim to commit to
suppressing his anger in certain situations?
2. What feelings would Marie have to endure if she were to start accepting that it’s often OK for Jim
to express his intense anger?
3. What feelings would Jim have to endure if he were to start accepting that it’s OK for Marie to
disagree and “not understand” his position?
4. What feelings would Jim have to endure if he were to start accepting Marie’s retreat from his
anger and her withdrawal to her privacy?
Taking it from the top, I would answer the questions like this:
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For #1 (Marie asking Jim to commit to suppressing his anger in certain situations): Marie would
have to wade through her fear that Jim would either refuse her request or possibly even ignore it. But it
wouldn’t be the actual refusal that she would fear. She would be afraid of triggering her old shame of
feeling unimportant and worthless. She had originally felt that way about herself when her parents were
self-absorbed and oblivious to her need for attention. She had worked many years to become a
worthwhile and important human being. She didn’t want her worst fears confirmed: that she’s still the
same little girl who isn’t worth being noticed. It’s important to note that even with full knowledge of her
fear’s origin, she will still have that fear. That’s because insight and awareness don’t prevent the
triggering of painful shame in a person’s memory. The latter is a neurological event. Insight can help
modulate the feeling but it doesn’t prevent it. So, the simple version of my explanation is that Marie
would have to endure the discomfort of subtle fear. The technical term is “anxiety,” but it’s still a type of
fear.
For #2 (Marie accepting that it’s often OK for Jim to express his intense anger): Marie would
have to endure fear from two sources. One is that she would fear the re-emergence of feeling inadequate
and defective like she did when her mother became violent. As a child, she made heroic efforts but could
never be good enough to prevent the violence. By the same childish logic, she was never good enough to
stop her parent’s destructive fighting. For Marie to begin to accept Jim’s intense anger, she might start
feeling the same old shame that she is inadequate to bring about love and harmony in her family. Even
with new conscious knowledge that anger has a valid place, Marie would have to endure discomfort. She
would still be afraid that her feelings of defectiveness might re-emerge.
For #3 (Jim accepting that it’s OK for Marie to disagree and “not understand” his position): Jim
would have to endure the fear that he’s not sufficiently important to be noticed. He would have to endure
the covert fear that he’s once again letting himself be treated as an insignificant victim. As a child, he had
to hide his thoughts and opinions. He couldn’t afford triggering his father’s rage and disappearance from
the family. During these early years of hiding his symbolic self, Jim accumulated a great sense of
weakness and unimportance. Now as an adult, he unconsciously fears the re-emergence of those old
feelings. To start accepting Marie’s disagreement would stir up the fear that she’s ignoring him just like
his father did. And that would stir up the fear that he’s still weak and unimportant.
For #4 (Jim accepting Marie’s retreat from his anger and her withdrawal to her privacy): By now
you can probably infer the answer from our past examples. Marie’s withdrawal serves to stir up old
emotions from when Jim’s father disappeared for days. For Jim to start accepting Marie’s privacy, he
15
would have to covertly be afraid of feeling worthless and powerless. As a child, he felt worthless and
powerless to prevent his father from abandoning the family for long stretches of time. It’s not surprising
that Marie’s withdrawal into privacy threatens to trigger Jim’s old shame. Jim is afraid of feeling that old
pain. Again, it’s probably not a conscious and obvious fear. It’s probably a vague kind of anxiety. For
Jim to be more accepting of Marie’s privacy he would have to wade through that anxiety.
Now let’s bring all of our discussion and all of these dynamics down to a simple conclusion. For
Jim and Marie to successfully change their conflict behavior they’ll each have to endure fear and anxiety.
It’s like the popular adage: “No pain, No gain.” As Jim and Marie change their behavior, each will be
afraid of being overtaken by parts of themselves they’re trying to leave behind. Knowledge, insight, and
effort won’t be enough. They’ll also need courage and faith. The rest of us are no different in that regard.
At this point you may be thinking something like “Wait a minute. I didn’t get beaten, I didn’t
have parents who raged, and I didn’t have a parent who left for days at a time. My parents loved me and
treated me well. All of this fear and shame stuff really doesn’t apply to me.” If this is what you’re
thinking, then you’re only partially correct. You’re probably not as encumbered with old traumas as
many of the people who show up for counseling. But you’re only partially correct because it’s only a
matter of degree. All of us (except the purest of psychopaths) pick up shame along the way.
I presented Jim and Marie’s case here only because their dynamics were so simple and obvious.
For many of us, the origins of our shame are subtle. We may have had the most perfect parents, yet we
were still exposed to smaller traumas. We may have been exposed to the teasing of playmates, the
occasions when our parents were too depressed or emotionally depleted to notice us, and times when we
failed miserably to meet the expectations of our family and friends. We may also have unconsciously
adopted the shame of our parents. Our parents may have been so ashamed of certain emotions that they
never risked expressing them. For example, they may have been so afraid of anger that they never
disagreed, argued, or forcefully negotiated among themselves. Perhaps they were loving parents but they
never touched or verbally expressed their affection. They may have felt so undeserving that they never
took off time from work and responsibility to have fun. Throughout childhood we can’t avoid vicariously
picking up some of our parents’ shame. The other way we pick up shame is from the history of our own
relationships. Over time, spousal looks of disapproval, eye-rolls, criticisms, interruption of our sentences,
and other minor intrusions can build up accumulated shame in our system if we let it happen. This
relationship shame can trigger and combine with core shame from our childhood. The process can be
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gradual and very subtle, but powerful. In fact, it’s powerful enough to knock our relationships out of
balance.
The concept of balance is crucial if you’re going to understand how to maintain a thriving
relationship. This book will teach you how to keep such a balance. It will also teach you some of the
things that you can do to successfully counter its greatest saboteur: your own inhibition and fear of
shame.
Labels: marriage difficulties
