Marriage Counseling for Couples
Marriage counseling for couples is a method of psychological counseling for those that feel their marriage is in trouble. It could be that you feel that your marriage is on the brink of divorce, or it may be that you have issues that you would like to resolve before your marriage reaches that state. Either way marriage counseling for couples is an effective way to bring things out in to the open on neutral territory.
It is important that both parties are committed to saving the marriage and attending marriage counseling for couples. However, bear in mind that if your partner refuses to go at first it may not be because he or she is not committed to saving the relationship, but that they do not feel comfortable about the thought of discussing their personal thoughts and problems with a stranger. You might be the one that is loathe to attend marriage counseling for this reason – but if you are feeling ill – even with a personal issue – you go and talk to your doctor so that he can help you to get better. This is the same thing, except you receive verbal treatment rather than pills.
Marriage counseling for couples can be handled in a number of ways, depending upon which marriage counseling service you use. Some will assign a separate counselor to yourself and your partner for the first session, and then move on to group discussion with all four parties involved. Other services will have the same counselor meet up with each of you alone, and then all three of you start group sessions.
All marriage counseling for couples is strictly confidential and between the couple and their counselor(s). The great thing about this type of counseling is that it helps you to get to the root of the problem. Your marriage may be deteriorating, and you may not even know why; but this type of service will help you to get to the source so that you can effectively resolve whatever is causing your marriage to breakdown.
A study recently carried out in Britain revealed that one in five couples that were considering divorce decide to stay together after attending marriage counseling for couples. This may seem like an invasive method to some people, but it is actually a very therapeutic service, and many people are surprised at just how effective it is. You may be harboring resentment and bitterness deep down in the psyche that you are not even consciously aware of. These feelings can fester, affecting the way you act towards your partner and the way you feel about your marriage. However, through a good marriage counseling service you can bring these emotions and hidden resentments to the surface and deal with them.
If you are both committed to saving your marriage, then marriage counseling for couples is an effective option. You may have been married for many years, and you have to wonder whether it is worth wasting all of those years simply because you are too embarrassed about going to seek help from a counselor. Some people are frightened to see a marriage counselor because they think it makes them seem weak and they are embarrassed about their marriage failing. However, seeking help is quite the opposite – it shows that you are dedicated, strong and are willing to do whatever it takes to get your marriage back on track.
Relationship counseling as a discrete, professional service is a recent phenomenon. Until the late 20th century, the work of relationship counseling was informally fulfilled by close friends, family members, or local religious leaders. Psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors and social workers have historically dealt primarily with individual psychological problems. In many less technologically advanced cultures around the world today, the institution of family, the village or group elders fulfill the work of relationship counseling. Today marriage mentoring mirrors those cultures.
With increasing modernization or westernization in many parts of the world and the continuous shift towards isolated nuclear families, the old support structures are no longer there and the need for relationship counseling is greater than ever. In western society the trend is towards trained relationship counselors; these are often volunteers who wish to help others, and are trained by either the Government or social service institutions to help those who are in need of counseling. Many communities and government departments have their own team of trained voluntary or professional relationship counselors. Similar services are operated by many universities and colleges, often staffed by volunteers from among the student peer group. Some large companies maintain a full-time professional counseling staff to facilitate smoother interactions between corporate employees, to minimize the negative effects that personal difficulties might have on work performance.
Methodology
Before the relationships between the individuals can begin to be understood, it is important for all to recognize and acknowledge that everyone involved has a unique personality and background. Sometimes the individuals in the relationship adhere to different value systems. Institutional and societal variables (like the social, religious, group and other collective factors) which shape a person's nature, and behavior must be recognized. A tenet of “relationship counseling” is that:
It is intrinsically beneficial for all the participants to interact with each other and with society at large with the least conflict possible.
Occasionally the relationships get ‘strained’, which means that they are not functioning at the optimum extent. There are many possible reasons for this, including ego, arrogance, jealousy, anger, greed etc. Often it is an interaction between two or more factors, and frequently it is not just one of the people who are involved that exhibits such traits.
Some say the only viable solution to the problem of setting these relationships back on track is to reorient the individuals' perceptions - how one looks at or responds to situations. This implies that they make some fundamental changes in their attitudes - much easier said than done. The next step is to adopt conscious structural changes to their inter-personal relationships.
The duty and function of a relationship counselor is to listen, understand and facilitate a better understanding between those involved. The basic principles involved are:
* non-judgment on any of the issues or incidents narrated to them as counselor.
* Confidentiality of the persons being given the counseling.
A successful counselor is someone who has a mature and balanced state of mind and disposition, who can place themselves in the shoes of those they are counseling, and the ability to respect their opinions, thoughts, feelings and (more importantly) emotions.
After evaluating the story as it is narrated, a realistic, practical solution can be developed; individually at first if this is beneficial, and then jointly to encourage the participants to give their best efforts at reorienting their relationship with each other. It has to be remembered that the change in situations like financial state, physical health, and the influence of other family members can have a profound influence on the conduct, responses and actions of the individuals.
Marriages are made in Heaven
Marriages are made in Heaven
"Remember that a successful marriage depends on two things: finding the right person and being the right person" quote. Do we really know the actual definition of a successful marriage? If not than lets look for it and see what conclusion we can draw. We often say that someone somewhere is made for you and the day you come across that person you feel that that he or she is the one you have been waiting for. But later we see that due to lack of understanding and mental compatibility they move apart. So how can we say that they were the perfect match since they didn't gave any effort to understand each other. So it's important you know your partner. There are people who get physically attracted and fall for each other and eventually end up getting married. But later on when they see their wavelength not matching they easily get separated without a second thought. In today's generation we see these incidents more compare to earlier generation. And this is more due to the changing social scenario. With so many things to divert your attention you really don't know what to do.
Marriage is not just coming together of two individuals. There is much more to it. To sustain a marriage it is important that there is effort from both sides than only a marriage can carry on. A successful marriage is like a good recipe whose main ingredients are love, commitment, understanding, concern and togetherness. If you can include these aspects in your married life you can find happiness in your marriage. Andre Maurois once aptly said, "A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." Which is so true. When we talk about mental compatibility between husband and wife we have seen that not only incase of arrange marriage this problem exist where both of them were unknown to each other before marriage but even after many years of courtship in love marriages this problem exist because when we meet before marriage we are at our best to impress the other person. And we start accepting each other the way we like to see each other. But gradually after marriage when we slip into our natural self that time we have to accept each other as we are. And in most of the cases the real self is not what we wanted to see and then begins the contradiction with the person whom we have loved and with whom I have to spend my life. So it's important that when you love a person love him or her the way he or she is and not the way you want him or her to be. Than only you can be happy.
A happy married life calls for constant commitment and concern for each other. There are few small and minute aspects, which we tend to forget in our married life, as we get busy with the daily chores. So at times it is important to indulge in those minute details of a married life, which will constantly remind each other of the love and concern being present. We can conclude by the quote of Barnett Brickner, which says it, all that "Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate."
"What if ADHD Really Doesn't Exist?"
by: Tony Zizza, AbleChild.org
11/3/03
Now that another school year is fully upon us, what do hurried mornings and the like really mean for our children? Quickie hugs and kisses before dashing off to the bus stop. Reminders to study again for the Science test. Promises to be picked up on time from band practice.
Surely, this is typical stuff. Unfortunately, school mornings in America 2003 also mean doses of dangerous psychotropic drugs/antidepressants for our children. Their brains are still growing, but the "legal drugging" runs rampant/runs routine.
I'd like to know how we got to the point in our advanced culture where we drug millions of children to combat Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) when this alleged disorder has no medical validity
whatsoever. No blood tests to prove its existence.
ADHD is entirely subjectively symptom driven. It has made billions of dollars in profits for the makers of drugs such as Ritalin, Concerta, and others.
Someone please explain to me in a New York minute how children can spend summers and weekends concentrating on their jobs and mastering complex video games, but come the arrival of homework and tests - out comes the prescription bottles of mind altering drugs to assist in the treatment of ADHD. Something isn't adding up right.
So what if we were to properly learn ADHD really doesn't exist? That for decades we've simply been legally drugging our children at the insistence of the education/mental health profession? That there is something fundamentally shady with the makers of Concerta giving away over $250,000 in this year's "I See Success" ADHD scholarship contest to students between the ages of 6-18?
Where is the outrage? Zero tolerance seems to apply to petty offenses on school grounds. Rachel Boim is the latest student casualty. Drug free zone signs and Red Ribbon Week campaigns are everywhere, but where's
the outrage when children are drugged because they don't know how to read? Disgusting. Disgusting because ADHD is fraudulent on its face.
I agree with Dr. Fred A. Baughman, Jr, a board certified neurologist and child neurologist and Fellow of the American Academy of Neurology, who has said, "In calling ADHD an abnormality/disease, without scientific facts, the psychiatrist knowingly lies, and violates the informed consent rights of both patient and parents. This is de facto medical malpractice."
Doesn't it bother anyone that ADHD is in fact good business, but bad medicine? That children have actually died from the use of Ritalin? That
organizations such as Children and Adults With Attention Deficit Disorder (CHADD) receive funding from the makers of Ritalin? That children are
prescribed amphetamine-like drugs because their ADHD symptoms have made them do the unthinkable: "Be easily distracted. Not listen when spoken to directly. Interrupt others."
Interestingly, pharmaceutical companies who profit from ADHD made 600 million dollars from drugs to "treat" ADHD in 2001. Again, since ADHD really
doesn't exist, shouldn't we fight an entirely different War on Drugs?
Let's get back to basics, shall we? Let's embrace life's challenges instead of wishing them away with amphetamine-like drugs.
Our children deserve better. Don't they?
Lawsuits Assert Drug
Makers And Shrinks Invented
'ADHD' To Sell Ritalin
NEW YORK (Reuters) - Richard Scruggs, the lawyer who led the settlement between U.S. states and the tobacco industry in 1998, called the lawsuits against the makers of hyperactivity disorder drug Ritalin the country's ``next class-action battleground.''
The Mississippi attorney heads up a group of plaintiffs' lawyers alleging in two lawsuits that the makers of the drug had conspired with psychiatrists to ``create'' the disease known as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).
Scruggs, who got his first taste of national class action suits with a successful run at the asbestos industry before tackling big tobacco, contends that the health of more than 4 million children is at stake because they are taking a drug that they do not need.
The two cases, filed in state court in Hackensack, N.J. and in San Diego federal court, name Swiss health care group Novartis AG (NOVZn.S), the American Psychiatric Association (APA) and nonprofit support group called Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (CHADD).
The suits seek class action status and billions of dollars in damages. The allegations are denied by both the company and the APA.
``The main complaint is that they (the defendants) have inappropriately expanded the definition of ADHD to include 'normal' children so that they can promote and sell more drugs and treat more people,'' Scruggs told Reuters in a phone interview Thursday.
``These suits represent the latest class-action battleground in the U.S., but since it involves kids, this is that much more important. Ninety percent of all Ritalin is sold in the United States. We think it's a pretty tough case to say that ADHD is a disease that doesn't exist in Europe, but exits here,'' he said.
Government officials, pharmaceutical companies and medical professionals have debated over the prescribing of Ritalin for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) in children for some time. The drug has been on the market for over 40 years, but it came under intense pressure when the White House launched an initiative in the spring to cut down on the number of children using the treatment, known by the chemical name methylyphenidate.
A Novartis spokesman in Zurich said he could not respond directly to the U.S. suits because he had not yet seen them. But he dismissed the allegation that Novartis conspired with the American Psychiatric Association to invent the disorder.
``We don't think there is any merit in such class actions,'' he said, referring to a similar suit filed in Texas in May. ``We cannot see that we have any wrongdoing in this field.''
Regina Moran, a Novartis spokeswoman at the U.S. pharmaceutical division in East Hanover, N.J., said the company still had not been served with papers pertaining to the suits as of late Thursday evening. She did point out, however, that Ritalin has been on the generic market for many years.
``Eighty percent of the market is generic right now, so it is a mature product for us,'' she said.
An official for the Washington D.C.-based American Psychiatric Association also cited similarities to the Texas suit, and had not seen the suit. But she said as in the Texas suit, the APA will ``defend itself vigorously'' by presenting a mountain of scientific evidence to refute these meritless allegations, and we are confident that we will prevail.
Scruggs, who tallied up $400 million in legal fees from the settlement with the tobacco industry, said public health was the main motivator in the Ritalin case, and the ultimate goal of the lawsuit is to change the way the drug is prescribed.
``Right now, virtually every child would fit the diagnostic criteria today for Ritalin. They are exploiting the fears of parents for the welfare of children to gain inappropriately, and I think that is very reprehensible and it can have a widespread affect on the health of American kids,'' he said.
The lawyers are seeking certification of a nationwide class, Scruggs said, and expect others will follow suit on basis that ``the criteria for disease are artificially broad so that they can include more kids and sell more drugs.''
But one industry expert was skeptical that such a suit would get very far.
``My sense is that the symptoms of ADHD are pretty well defined and there are a number of clinical criteria required before a child is allowed to go on the drug,'' Merrill Lynch analyst James Culverwell said from London.
``When the child does take the drug, it is generally remarkably effective. So any suggestion that this disease is make-believe seems highly unlikely,'' he said.
Class action lawsuit against Ritalin maker asserts that ADHD was invented to sell drugs
Class action lawsuit against Ritalin maker asserts that ADHD was invented to sell drugs
What's the easiest way to sell prescription drugs? Invent a new disease based on vague "brain chemistry" claims, then convince the nation to prescribe narcotic drugs to children in order to "balance" their brains. A class action lawsuit says this is exactly what happened with Ritalin...
ADHD????????????????????????????
Additional Treatment for ADHD
Medication isn't the only way to control a child's ADHD — a variety of psychotherapeutic and behavioral treatments can also help. Many children respond well to therapy, which trains them to become aware of their behavior and helps them learn to control their reactions to various stressful situations. They can also be taught the importance of basic social skills like sharing, patience, and appropriate ways to respond to teasing.
Parents, too, can benefit from training in such skills as teaching their children that good behavior equals positive results through appropriate rewards and punishments. Simple changes around the house, like creating a specific location for backpacks and coats, and maintaining a set schedule are beneficial changes parents can make to help their child cope with the condition. Parents are also encouraged to speak to their child's teacher about the child's condition to make sure everything is being done at the school to help their child learn and succeed.
This is only assuming that such a condition exists. I have yet to see any proof of the existence of ADHD. Before you label your child as having ADHD, please research childhood developement. Also you might want to read Identity and the Life Cycle by Erik Ericson.
Psychological and Emotional Aspects of Divorce
by Kathleen O'Connell Corcoran
June 1997
A. Divorce Effects and Prevalence
B. Effects of Divorce on Children
C. Emotional Stages of Divorce
D. Typical Reactions of Children to Divorce
E. Signs of Stress in Children
Divorce Effects and Prevalence
It may be helpful to understand a little about divorce and the typical effects it has on men, women and children. The divorce rate in the United States is the highest in the world. Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. Sixty-seven percent of all second marriages end in divorce. As high as these figures are, what is also true is that the divorce rate appears to be dropping. The reasons for this change are not clear. Many people cannot afford to divorce, many people cannot afford to marry. Another reason is that "baby boomers," who account for a large proportion of our population are no longer in their 20s and 30s, the ages when divorce is most prevalent. The societal expectation is that divorced life is less satisfying than married life. Divorce is associated with an increase in depression--people experience loss of partner, hopes and dreams, and lifestyle. The financial reality of divorce is often hard to comprehend: the same resources must now support almost twice the expenses.
Fifty percent of all children are children of divorce. Twenty-eight percent of all children are born of never married parents. Divorce is expensive. Aid for Dependent Children (AFDC) resources are drained by the needs of divorced and single parent families; including the cost of collecting child support.
Here are some of the experiences of men and women in divorce.
For women:
1. Women initiate divorce twice as often as men
2. 90% of divorced mothers have custody of their children (even if they did not receive it in court)
3. 60% of people under poverty guidelines are divorced women and children
4. Single mothers support up to four children on an average after-tax annual income of $12,200
5. 65% divorced mothers receive no child support (figure based on all children who could be eligible, including never-married parents, when fathers have custody, and parents without court orders); 75% receive court-ordered child support (and rising since inception of uniform child support guidelines, mandatory garnishment and license renewal suspension)
6. After divorce, women experience less stress and better adjustment in general than do men. The reasons for this are that (1) women are more likely to notice marital problems and to feel relief when such problems end, (2) women are more likely than men to rely on social support systems and help from others, and (3) women are more likely to experience an increase in self-esteem when they divorce and add new roles to their lives.
7. Women who work and place their children in child care experience a greater stigma than men in the same position. Men in the same position often attract support and compassion.
For men:
1. Men are usually confronted with greater emotional adjustment problems than women. The reasons for this are related to the loss of intimacy, the loss of social connection, reduced finances, and the common interruption of the parental role.
2. Men remarry more quickly than women.
3. As compared to "deadbeat dads," men who have shared parenting (joint legal custody), ample time with their children, and an understanding of and direct responsibility for activities and expenses of children stay involved in their children's lives and are in greater compliance with child support obligations. There is also a greater satisfaction with child support amount when negotiated in mediation. Budgets are prepared, and responsibility divided in a way that parents understand.
4. Men are initially more negative about divorce than women and devote more energy in attempting to salvage the marriage.
Effects of Divorce on Children
In the last few years, higher-quality research which has allowed the "meta-analysis" of previously published research, has shown the negative effects of divorce on children have been greatly exaggerated. In the past we read that children of divorce suffered from depression, failed in school, and got in trouble with the law. Children with depression and conduct disorders showed indications of those problems predivorce because there was parental conflict predivorce. Researchers now view conflict, rather than the divorce or residential schedule, as the single most critical determining factor in children's post-divorce adjustment. The children who succeed after divorce, have parents who can communicate effectively and work together as parents.
Actually, children's psychological reactions to their parents' divorce vary in degree dependent on three factors: (1) the quality of their relationship with each of their parents before the separation, (2) the intensity and duration of the parental conflict, and (3) the parents' ability to focus on the needs of children in their divorce.
Older studies showed boys had greater social and academic adjustment problems than girls. New evidence indicates that when children have a hard time, boys and girls suffer equally; they just differ in how they suffer. Boys are more externally symptomatic than girls, they act out their anger, frustration and hurt. They may get into trouble in school, fight more with peers and parents. Girls tend to internalize their distress. They may become depressed, develop headaches or stomach aches, and have changes in their eating and sleeping patterns.
A drop in parents' income often caused by the same income now supporting two households directly affects children over time in terms of proper nutrition, involvement in extracurricular activities, clothing (no more designer jeans and fancy shoes), and school choices. Sometimes a parent who had stayed home with the children is forced into the workplace and the children experience an increase in time in child care.
A child's continued involvement with both of his or her parents allows for realistic and better balanced future relationships. Children learn how to be in relationship by their relationship with their parents. If they are secure in their relationship with their parents, chances are they will adapt well to various time-sharing schedules and experience security and fulfillment in their intimate relationships in adulthood. In the typical situation where mothers have custody of the children, fathers who are involved in their children's lives are also the fathers whose child support is paid and who contribute to extraordinary expenses for a child: things like soccer, music lessons, the prom dress, or a special class trip. One important factor which contributes to the quality and quantity of the involvement of a father in a child's life is mother's attitude toward the child's relationship with father. When fathers leave the marriage and withdraw from their parenting role as well, they report conflicts with the mother as the major reason.
The impact of father or mother loss is not likely to be diminished by the introduction of stepparents. No one can replace Mom or Dad. And no one can take away the pain that a child feels when a parent decides to withdraw from their lives. Before embarking on a new family, encourage clients to do some reading on the common myths of step families. Often parents assume that after the remarriage "we will all live as one big happy family." Step family relationships need to be negotiated, expectations need to be expressed, roles need to be defined, realistic goals need to be set.
Most teenagers (and their parents) eventually adjust to divorce and regard it as having been a constructive action, but one-third do not. In those instances, the turbulence of the divorce phase (how adversarial a battle it is), has been shown to play a crucial role in creating unhealthy reactions in affected teenagers.
Joan Kelly, PhD, former president of the Academy of Family Mediators and prominent divorce researcher from California reports that, depending on the strength of the parent-child bond at the time of divorce, the parent-child relationship diminishes over time for children who see their fathers less than 35% of the time. Court-ordered "standard visitation" patterns typically provide less.
# Days
Every other weekend 48
4 weeks in summer 28
½ spring break 3
½ winter break 7
½ holidays 4
Total 90 days = 25%
Add 1 day per week 44
Total 134 days = 35%
Divorce also has some positive effects for children. Single parents are often closer to their children than married parents were. This is can also be negative as when a child takes on too much responsibility because one or both parents are not functioning well as a parent, or when a parent talks to a child about how hurt they are by the other parent, or how horrible that other parent is. Often a separated parent will make an effort to spend quality time with the children and pay attention to their desires (Disneyland, small gifts, phone calls, etc). And you can imagine that some children might find some benefit in celebrating two Christmases and birthdays each year. If both parents remarry, they may have twice as many supportive adults/nurturers. At the very least, when parents can control their conflict, the children can experience freedom from daily household tension between parents.
Emotional Stages of Divorce
The decision to end a relationship can be traumatic, chaotic, and filled with contradictory emotions. There are also specific feelings, attitudes, and dynamics associated with whether one is in the role of the initiator or the receiver of the decision to breakup. For example, it is not unusual for the initiator to experience fear, relief, distance, impatience, resentment, doubt, and guilt. Likewise, when a party has not initiated the divorce, they may feel shock, betrayal, loss of control, victimization, decreased self esteem, insecurity, anger, a desire to "get even," and wishes to reconcile.
To normalize clients experiences during this time, it may be helpful to know that typical emotional stages have been identified with ending a relationship. It may also be helpful to understand that marriages do not breakdown overnight; the breakup is not the result of one incident; nor is the breakup the entire fault of one party. The emotional breaking up process typically extends over several years and is confounded by each party being at different stages in the emotional process while in the same stage of the physical (or legal) process.
It is also quite normal to do different things to try to create distance from the former partner while divorcing. Unfortunately, this distancing often takes the form of fault finding. Not to be disrespectful, but it's not unlike the process one goes through in deciding to buy a new car: somehow every flaw in that favorite old car needs to be noticed and exaggerated in order to feel okay about selling it. Also, if the other person is portrayed as really awful, one can escape any responsibility for the end of the marriage. A common response to divorce is to seek vengeance. When parties put their focus on getting even, there is an equal amount of energy expended on being blameless. What's true is that blaming and fault finding are not necessary or really helpful. Psychologist Jeffrey Kottler has written a very helpful book on this subject entitled Beyond Blame: A New Way of Resolving Conflicts in Relationships, published by Jossey-Bass.
Another normal rationalization is that the marriage was a wholly unpleasant experience and escaping it is good. Or the marriage was unpleasant and now the other partner must make this up in the divorce. Thinking that the marriage was wholly unpleasant is unfair to both parties and can hinder emotional healing. Both stayed in the marriage for as long as they did because there were some good things about it. There were also some things that did not work for them and these are why they are divorcing.
Much of your clients' healing will involve acceptance, focusing on the future, taking responsibility for their own actions (now and during the marriage), and acting with integrity. Focusing on the future they would like to create may require an acknowledgment of each other's differing emotional stages and a compassionate willingness to work together to balance the emotional comfort of both parties.
The following information on the emotional stages of ending a relationship is provided to help parties through the emotional quagmire of ending a relationship and assist in their personal healing.
I. DISILLUSIONMENT OF ONE PARTY (sometimes 1-2 years before verbalized)
A. Vague feelings of discontentment, arguments, stored resentments, breaches of trust
B. Problems are real but unacknowledged
C. Greater distance; lack of mutuality
D. Confidential, fantasy, consideration of pros and cons of divorce
E. Development of strategy for separation
F. Feelings: fear, denial, anxiety, guilt, love, anger, depression, grief
II. EXPRESSING DISSATISFACTION (8-12 months before invoking legal process)
A. Expressing discontent or ambivalence to other party
B. Marital counseling, or
C. Possible honeymoon phase (one last try)
D. Feelings: relief (that it's out in the open), tension, emotional roller coaster, guilt, anguish, doubt, grief
III. DECIDING TO DIVORCE (6-12 months before invoking legal process)
A. Creating emotional distance (i.e., disparaging the other person/situation in order to leave it)
B. Seldom reversible (because it's been considered for awhile)
C. Likely for an affair to occur
D. Other person just begins Stage I (considering divorce) and feels denial, depressed, rejected, low self-esteem, anger
E. Both parties feel victimized by the other
F. Feelings: anger, resentment, sadness, guilt, anxiety for the family, the future, impatience with other, needy
IV. ACTING ON DECISION (beginning the legal process)
A. Physical separation
B. Emotional separation (complicated by emotional flareups)
C. Creating redefinition (self orientation)
D. Going public with the decision
E. Setting the tone for the divorce process (getting legal advice and setting legal precedent: children, support, home)
F. Choosing sides and divided loyalties of friends and families
G. Usually when the children find out (they may feel responsible, behave in ways to make parents interact)
H. Feelings: traumatized, panic, fear, shame, guilt, blame, histrionics
V. GROWING ACCEPTANCE (during the legal process or after)
A. Adjustments: physical, emotional
B. Accepting that the marriage wasn't happy or fulfilling
C. Regaining a sense of power and control, creating a plan for the future, creating a new identity, discovering new talents and resources
D. This is the best time to be in mediation: parties can look forward and plan for the future; moods can be more elevated (thrill of a second chance at life)
VI. NEW BEGINNINGS (completing the legal process to four years after)
A. Parties have moved beyond the blame and anger to forgiveness, new respect, new roles
B. Experiences: insight, acceptance, integrity.Comparing Mediation and Litigation
Why is mediation a compassionate and appropriate venue for helping people in divorce? On the average, it takes family members approximately four to eight years to recover from the emotional and financial expense of a bitter adversarial divorce. In an adversarial divorce, there is no possible resolution of the emotional issues, only decreased trust and increased resentment.
A litigated divorce can cost each party $5,000 to $35,000. The focus is on assigning blame and fault and skirmishing for the most powerful position (changing locks, freezing bank accounts, getting temporary custody of the children). Communications between parties break down. Negotiations proceed through attorneys and are strategic and positioned. Attorneys have an ethical responsibility to zealously advocate for the best interest of their client. Often there is no consideration of the best interests of the children or recognition for the need for parties to have an ongoing relationship because they have children, friends, extended family, and community together. Going to court is an expensive risk; someone who does not know you makes decisions for you that will affect your whole life.
Mediators may save clients thousands of dollars in immediate and future legal and counseling fees. Mediators can focus parties on creating their best possible future and help parties resolve their emotional issues for the best interests of their children and their own psychological well being. Mediators can help parties feel understood, accept responsibility for the failure of the marriage and, when there are children, begin to reshape their relationship from one of partners to coparents. Mediators can empower clients by helping them be at their best (rather than their worst) during a challenging time in their lives, enable them to have an active role in their separating (creative choice vs. court imposition), create a clear and understandable road map for the future, make informed decisions, and to look back at their behavior in the mediation of their divorce with integrity and self respect.
Typical Reactions of Children to Divorce
Much of children's post-divorce adjustment is dependent on (1) the quality of their relationship with each parent before the divorce, (2) the intensity and duration of the parental conflict, and (3) the parents' ability to focus on the needs of the children in the divorce. Typically, children whose parents are going through a rough divorce engage in behaviors which are designed to help them feel secure. What follows are some typical experiences of children to divorce and separation:
A. DENIAL
This especially occurs in young children and surfaces as story telling (Mommy and Daddy and me going to Disneyland; we're moving into a duplex and Daddy will live next door; they will also have reconciliation fantasies).
B. ABANDONMENT
When parents separate, children worry who will take care of them. They are afraid they too are divorceable and will be abandoned by one or both of their parents. This problem is worsened by one or both parents taking the children into their confidence, talking about the other parent in front of the children, using language like "Daddy is divorcing us," being late for pick-up, or abducting the children. Children who are feeling insecure will say things to a parent which is intended to evoke a mama bear/papa bear response (a demonstration of protectiveness). If children do not have "permission" to have a good relationship with the other parent, or if they think they need to "take care of" one of their parents in the divorce, they are likely to end up having feelings of divided loyalties between their parents or, in the extreme, they may become triangulated with one parent against the other parent.
C. PREOCCUPATION WITH INFORMATION
Children will want details of what is happening and how it affects them. Communication from the parents needs to be unified and age appropriate.
D. ANGER AND HOSTILITY
Children may express anger and hostility with peers, siblings, or parents. School performance may be impaired. Hostility of children toward parents is often directed at the parent perceived to be at fault. Hostility turned inward looks like depression in children.
E. DEPRESSION
Lethargy, sleep and eating disturbances, acting out, social withdrawal, physical injury (more common in adolescents).
F. IMMATURITY/HYPERMATURITY
Children may regress to an earlier developmental stage when they felt assured of both parents' love. They may do some "baby-talk" or wet their beds. Children may become "parentified" by what they perceive to be the emotional and physical needs of their parents ("Someone needs to be in charge here.")
G. PREOCCUPATION WITH RECONCILIATION
The more conflict there is between the parents, the longer children hold onto the notion of their parents' reconciliation. It is clear that the parents are not "getting on" with their lives. Children will often act out in ways which force their parents to interact (negatively or positively). Children whose parents were very conflictual during the marriage often mistake the strong emotions of conflict with intimacy. They see the parents as engaged in an intimate relationship.
H. BLAME AND GUILT
Because so much marital conflict may be related to the stress of parenting, children often feel responsible for their parents' divorce--they feel that somehow their behavior contributed to it. This is especially true when parents fight during exchanges of the children or in negotiating schedules: children see that parents are fighting over them. They may try to bargain their parents back together by promises of good behavior; they may have difficulty with transitions or refuse to go with the other parent.
I. ACTING OUT
Children will often act out their own and their parents' anger. In an attempt to survive in a hostile environment, children will often take the side of the parent they are presently with. This may manifest in refusals to talk to the other parent on the phone or reluctance to share time with the other parent. Adolescents will typically act out in ways similar to how the parents are acting out.
In summary, expect that children will test a parent's loyalty, experience loyalty binds, not want to hurt either parent, force parents to interact because they don't want the divorce, try to exert some power in the situation, express anger over the divorce, occasionally refuse to go with the other parent (normal divorce stress, loyalty conflict/triangulation, or they may simply not want to stop doing what they're doing at the moment--similar to the reaction we've all gotten when we pick our children up from child care, or we want to go home from the park).
The most common problem which arise tend to stem from triangulation, divided loyalties, and projection. Some indicators of each are:
a. Triangulation: Child refuses to have time with the other parent or talk to the other parent on the phone, child badmouths the other parent.
b. Divided loyalties: When a child tells each parent different and opposing things about what they want it is a good indication that the child is trying to please both parents and is experiencing divided loyalties.
c. Projection: Children are barometers of a parent's emotional well-being. Usually a parent reporting the stress of a child can not see that the child is acting on the parent's anxiety. Parents should ask themselves how they are feeling about the divorce, the other parent, and the time sharing arrangements before assuming the child is having difficulty adjusting or assuming the problem is with the other household.
Signs of Stress in Children
Sometimes parents need help identifying stress in children, especially little ones. What follows are some typical experiences and signs of stress in children of different ages.
I. INFANTS AND TODDLERS:
A. Regression in terms of sleeping, toilet training or eating; slowing down in the mastery of new skills
B. Sleep disturbances (difficulty gong to sleep; frequent waking)
C. Difficulty leaving parent; clinginess
D. General crankiness, temper tantrums, crying.
II. THREE TO FIVE YEARS:
A. Regression: returning to security blankets and discarded toys, lapses in toilet training, thumb sucking
B. Immature grasp of what has happened; bewildered; making up fantasy stories
C. Blaming themselves and feeling guilty
D. Bedtime anxiety; fitful/fretful sleep; frequent waking
E. Fear of being abandoned by both parents; clinginess
F. Greater irritability, aggression, temper tantrums.
III. SIX TO EIGHT YEARS:
A. Pervasive sadness; feeling abandoned and rejected
B. Crying and sobbing
C. Afraid of their worst fears coming true
D. Reconciliation fantasies
E. Loyalty conflicts; feeling physically torn apart
F. Problems with impulse control; disorganized behavior.
IV. NINE TO TWELVE YEARS:
A. Able to see family disruption clearly; try to bring order to situation
B. Fear of loneliness
C. Intense anger at the parent they blame for causing the divorce
D. Physical complaints; headaches and stomach aches
E. May become overactive to avoid thinking about the divorce
F. Feel ashamed of what's happening in their family; feel they are different from other children.
V. ADOLESCENTS:
A. Fear of being isolated and lonely
B. Experience parents as leaving them; feel parents are not available to them
C. Feel hurried to achieve independence
D. Feel in competition with parents
E. Worry about their own future loves and marriage; preoccupied with the survival of relationships
F. Discomfort with a parent's dating and sexuality
G. Chronic fatigue; difficulty concentrating
H. Mourn the loss of the family of their childhood.
What Makes A Good Marriage
There are good marriages.
We list below some behaviors that seem to be part of successful marriages. We present this list as an inspiration, not a cookbook recipe.
Let the marriage be a safe haven for expressing hopes and fears, and anger. Never betray your spouse emotionally.
Risk being ridiculed and rejected by your spouse. Risk letting your partner see who you really are.
Take responsibility for your own mental well being. Don't blame the other party if you feel worthless.
Share your feelings: "I feel hurt when..." "I am afraid when..." "I think you are saying I'm worthless when you say... "
Be ready to talk. Silence can be worse than anger. Of course, there are also times to contain oneself as well.
Be ready to listen.
Learn how to argue.
Allow your spouse to be a different person from you, with different attitudes and some different values.
Be ready to sacrifice some of your own personal pleasures and desires for the good of the marriage.
Accept that there are differences between the sexes and try to understand them.
Be willing to accept that some things you don't like about your partner will never change.
Respect each other (or, at least, find things to respect in each other).
Recognize that there will be stressful times, and rise to the challenge of managing those times. Understand your needs and your partner's needs. Understand the marriage's needs. Then negotiate compromises that take care of both of you and the marriage.
Be ready to think with an open mind about yourself, your spouse, and your relationship. Try hard to understand what drives you. Work toward a shared understanding of these things.
Develop a shared understanding of each other's families (and prior marriages), and how they shaped you.
Develop agreed (and limited) roles for parents and other family members.
Accept the changes that come with children, including loss of sleep, loss of privacy, and loss of time for each other. Men, try not to let your jealousy over the mother's bond with the baby, and your wife's apparent rejection of you, get the better of you. It will pass (after many months).
Despite children and work, save a little time for each other each week.
Be flexible. You may have to change your opinions or your lifestyle in response to changing needs of your spouse, or to changes in the world around you.
Be honest. Be delicate and diplomatic and sensitive, but also be direct and honest as often as possible.
Be physically affectionate. Hug and touch.
Be faithful. An affair, especially a continuing one, can undermine the openness that is essential for a good marriage.
Be willing to forgive.
Share fun, interests, and friends.
Have a lively sense of humor.
Nurture and support each other.
Care for each other and for the marriage.
Recipe for a Happy Marriage
Not long after the honeymoon is over, many couples suddenly feel that they must now be serious, no nonsense people. They tend to fall into a rut of unrealistic expectations, assuming their spouses can read their minds as to what they want and need. But real life is not a romantic fairy tale and only you can create an environment that is conducive to romance, and bring out the lover in your spouse. Here are some ideas to zip up your married life.
Saying "I Love You" works. Say it as often as you want.
Try a new position every month.
Remember, the more you give is the more you get.
Do not ignore yourself. Looking good for each other makes you want to be closer emotionally and physically.
If you are a woman and you feel like doing it, don’t be shy of suggesting.
Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire. Learn to explain your angry feelings decently.
Exchange gifts for no reason once in a while.
At least once a month, do it out of the bedroom.
Go out alone at least once a month. If you have small kids, leave them with a friend, family or a sitter.
Small love gestures add a feeling of courtship. They can be serious or silly or sexy.
Create fun evenings, play silly games or read comics together.
Surprise your spouse by doing something special and unexpected.
Show affection and be liberal with your hugs and kisses. These small actions demonstrate the love inside you.
Men and Women look at sex differently. Remember sex is always on a priority list for a man.
Neglect the whole world rather than each other.
Give each other a massage. Use massage oils, candlelight and soft music.
Never bring up issues from the past. Discuss one subject at a time.
Forget your ego. Don’t wait for your partner to initiate something.
Make a ritual of going to sleep together. Snuggle for a few minutes before kissing and falling asleep.
Take a bubble bath together. Turn on your favorite love song CD. Then hop in together and enjoy each other’s company.
When you make a mistake, be ready to admit it and ask for forgiveness.
Try to be each other’s soul mate.
If you have to criticize, do it lovingly.
Don’t take each other for granted. Be generous with compliments like "You are great!", "good food", "Hi Handsome" etc.
Go to the park for long walks, hand in hand.
Say it! Don’t imagine your partner knows how you feel. He is not a god.
Learning to Love Again
Each year, millions of older people seek new romantic connections after a divorce, widowhood or the breakup of a long-term relationship.
STUMBLING BLOCKS
When contemplating a new relationship, many of us toss obstacles in our own paths. These mental blocks can prevent you from embarking on new romance. Common obstacles...
Fear of being rejected. "I'm too old, so nobody will want me" is an excuse we frequently hear.
What we tell clients: Being older is now more of a plus than a minus. There are more people over age 50 today than at any other time in history. The world is full of people your age who are looking for a person like you.
The saintly departed. Putting one's deceased spouse on a pedestal makes it easy to remember only the good and forget the bad. "No one else can measure up," you tell yourself.
What we tell clients: You may be using this view as an excuse to prevent yourself from renewing your life and loving another person. Avoid the comparison trap -- you can love someone else in a different way instead of the way you loved your departed spouse.
Survivor guilt. After a spouse's death, the survivor often feels guilty to be alive.
What we tell clients: It's great that you had such a wonderful spouse. Don't you think he/she would want you to be with someone else now... and be happy?
The burned divorcé. After a divorce, some people remember only hurt, anger and mistrust and forget the good times. The prospect of finding a new partner rekindles memories of pain, rejection and the loss of personal identity. "Why take the risk?" they ask. "Why let love ruin my life again?"
What we tell clients: These arguments make one a victim, afraid to take a chance again.
Fear of sex. Sex is a minefield today. People are terrified to start a new relationship. Many of our clients say they expect prospective sex partners to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases. One positive effect of this development, of course, is a reluctance to indulge in the instant sex that was the norm for a while. That hardly ever leads to a lasting relationship.
What we tell clients: Feel free to tell prospective partners if you are not yet ready for sex after a painful divorce or breakup. Say, "I'd like to get to know you better by spending time with you first."
Fear of exploitation. Women who grew up in the feminist era demand fairness. For many, the loss of a partner represents a respite from household drudgery and a life of serving others. Why hook up with another taker?
What we tell clients: Men today are more willing than their fathers and grandfathers to accommodate a partner's expectations. Assert your need for fairness in the relationship. Helping out at home makes a greater difference in relationships than many men realize.
READINESS TIME
Learning to love again typically involves four stages.
Each stage may last weeks, months or years -- or a lifetime. You may also reach a new stage only to slide back to a previous one.
Remembered-pain stage. Any thought of a lasting love relationship feels like salt poured on an open wound. You send the signal, "Don't come close to me. I've been hurt too much." Self-pity, isolation and overindulgence in drugs or alcohol are common.
On the other hand, this stage may bring a wild rush to marry an improved version of the former spouse, making your half self whole.
You cannot entertain the idea that a relationship is based on being part of another person. Each of us is already a whole person.
Questing/experimental stage. Recognition dawns that being a single person lets you respond to new challenges in new ways. Remembered pain diminishes in intensity. The realization emerges that like millions of other single people, you are free to try new relationships.
A person in this stage may join singles groups or have sexual affairs, but close commitment based on mutual respect and caring remains inconceivable. You send the message: "I'm sensitive, vulnerable and defiant. Don't ask for more than my body, because I have nothing more to give."
The diminishing appeal of purely sexual relationships signals readiness for the next stage.
Selective-distancing stage. Eventually, the belief that one is half a person declines. The sense of being a competent single individual becomes dominant. Hassles with the ex-spouse have ended. Legal issues of inheritance and financial planning have been resolved.
The desire for new relationships begins to feel more like a promise of adventure and less like a guarantee of new pain. Rising self-esteem enables you to meet people through friends or hobbies... at parties, workshops, committees... in social organizations... in chance encounters at a museum or park.
The longer this stage lasts, the more intense the longing for a lasting love relationship. But the fear persists that a close commitment will end in disaster. You send the signal: "Come close, but go away. I don't want to be hurt again." Brief relationships are common.
Eventually, the balance of internal forces tips in favor of commitment. The courage to embrace an intimate relationship overpowers the fear of its possible failure.
Creative-commitment stage. The final stage grows out of the recognition that what you feared was only fear itself. You send the signal: "Come closer at your own pace. I would like to know you better. I will be comfortable with whatever develops."
Trust in yourself leads to trust in others.
When intimacy grows and fits both parties, it is because it is based on friendship, caring, warmth, vulnerability and love. That love includes mutual respect and trust, as well as sexual delight. One views the prospect of a monogamous commitment as a prospect to welcome rather than to avoid.
HAPPINESS CALLS
Once you understand these four stages, you can direct your energy toward the future rather than the past. Discomfort with your current stage suggests that you're ready for the next one.
Every person has the power to be transformed for the better at any time. As we grow older, every day becomes more precious.
If you are alone and want to share your days -- and nights -- with someone special, open your heart. Smile. Explore. Enjoy.
The Top 10 Sex Myths (Only 2 Are True!)
The Top 10 Sex Myths (Only 2 Are True!)
by Tracey Cox (see more from this contributor)
• Religion in the bedroom
• Why do I feel like I have to beg for it?
• Letter from a sex starved husband
Men want sex more than women do: Sex myth or sex fact? Bad sex always leads to breakups: Sex myth or sex fact? If he had an affair, he doesn't love you: Sex myth or sex fact? Sex myths make us feel bad about ourselves and most of the time, they're not true. Which are true and which are false? Read on.
1. Men want sex more than women do. Wrong. The reason why men tend to wishfully prod their penises into our determinedly turned backs, isn't just to do with desire. Other factors have a big influence, too: For example, we're still more likely to do most of the housework on top of holding down a job. So we're exhausted! Plus, hormones make us feel like having a lot of sex during certain times of the month, rather than all of the time. And, because we tend to attach more emotions to sex than men do, we aren't going to beg him for action if he's been giving us attitude. [Editor's note: Check out our Mismatched Libidos message board to discuss both sides of this issue with like-minded women.]
2. If you're a truly great lover, you should know how to please anyone. It's extremely likely that someone who knows a lot about sex and has had lots of practice is going to be better in bed than an inexperienced virgin. Technically, that is. However, if you're crazy about said inexperienced lover (physically or emotionally)—oh, and if he has a double-jointed tongue—it might be the best sex you've ever had. “Good sex” has as much do to with perception and the brain as technique and the genitals
3. African-American men have bigger penises. Okay, this one's a bit out of left field, but fascinating nonetheless because, guess what: It's true! African-American guys are bigger, and their penises are thicker, too. One study of Asian, Caucasian and African-American men came up with the following stats: Asian men were smallest, averaging 4-5.5 inches, Caucasians came next with 6 inches, and the penises of African-American men are reportedly 6.5-8 inches long.
4. Happy couples have good sex most of the time. Right, and my neighbor's buying me a private jet for my birthday. Show me a couple that's having out-of-control, raging, lusty sex every night after years of sharing the same bed, and I'll show you a pig that can fly. Toss this one out of the window immediately! Life and all its pressures get in the way for all of us. Does it mean your friend is lying if she claims to have fabulous sex after five years of marriage and two kids? Maybe. Or maybe she thinks you have a great sex life and doesn't want to admit she doesn't. Or maybe her definition of great sex is different than yours. Or maybe she really does have terrific sex… once a month. It's all subjective.
5. If you have to plan sex, and it isn't spontaneous, something's wrong. Heaven help your partner if you believe this one. Desire might well tap you on the shoulder in the early stages of a relationship, but the hormones that fuel the tapping disappear after about 18 months. Well, if you're lucky actually; plenty of couples find desire lowers dramatically after about nine months. But don't panic. It doesn't mean you'll never fancy each other again; it just means that you need to keep reminding your body and brain how much you enjoy sex. Spontaneous sex is usually good sex. But planning a sex session—anticipating it, looking forward to it—this makes for pretty good sex as well.
• Religion in the bedroom
• Why do I feel like I have to beg for it?
• Letter from a sex starved husband
6. Men are more promiscuous than women. The real truth is, this one is probably true, but by much less than you think. When polled about their sex lives, men overestimate while women underestimate, due to societal pressures. It's also totally dependent on how attractive the people in question are. An attractive, sexually liberated woman is likely to have had more partners than a not-so-fab-looking guy around the same age, for instance. It's called opportunity.
7. If they had an affair, they don't love me. Wrong again. If your partner cheats, it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't love you. It does, however, mean he doesn't respect you if you'd agreed to be monogamous.
8. Women don't like porn or dirty sex. Take a look at all the emails I get from women asking where to buy good female erotica, and you'll see how silly this myth is. And the reverse applies as well: Not all women want rose petals scattered across the bed and romantic massages, rather than raunchy, lusty, wicked romps. Every woman is different, but bottom line? Anyone who thinks men are only ones conjuring up lurid, graphic fantasies about other passengers on the subway is deluded.
When His Sex Drive.
9. Most women orgasm through intercourse. I'm not going to harp on about this one because anyone who's ever read any of my other articles practically has it written on their forehead in felt tip marker pen that only 30% of women orgasm from penetration alone. But it is worth repeating. Most women need stimulation of the clitoris by a hand or a vibrator during intercourse in order to climax. It's not anyone's fault that the penis isn't enough; it's a design fault in the female body. The clitoris is outside the vagina, rather than inside it (not terribly helpful of whoever has the female body patent, I agree). True, some women claim to have fabulous orgasms through front vaginal wall stimulation. But the good old-fashioned clitoral orgasm is far more common and reliable.
10. Men are always ready for and want sex. If you're talking a 17-year-old who's just landed his first girlfriend, you're probably right. It's likely he will walk, talk, daydream and want to have sex every waking second (and when he's asleep as well). But once a man hits his mid-20s (and often before that), other parts of his life start to become equally as important as sex, and all that energy and focus is needed elsewhere. Real life dampens a lot of men's sex drives more efficiently than a bucket of water poured over a solitary lit match. Work, stress, pressure, bills, arguments… they all stop him (and you!) from feeling like sex all day, every day. He's not like your vibrator; you can't just plug him in and expect him to perform on cue. (Actually, that's why we own vibrators.) There is a man attached to that penis.
MEDICINE'S HUSHED-UP 100
The shocking new findings that follow were buried by networks dependent on drug advertising!
You'd never believe what researchers are up to behind the locked gates of the world's top research labs. And the fat cats who run modern medicine are determined you'll never find out. But the doctors who've made these discoveries are spilling the beans...
Learn more...
Child Molesters
Child Molest
Child Molest - two little words that change the life of a child and a family forever. It is estimated that there are over 60 million people in our country today who have suffered the horrors of child sexual abuse. Researchers tell us that at least one in three girls and one in six boys will be the victim of some form of child sexual abuse before the age of eighteen. Others speculate that boys are abused at least as often as girls but are simply less likely to tell. At this very moment, at least one million children are continuing to endure a sexual relationship with a member of their own family.
You might be wondering, "Who would do this to a child and why don't the children tell?" In spite of all our efforts to educate and protect our children from strangers, the sad truth is that in most cases of child sexual abuse, the child knows the abuser. Often the abuser is even someone loved and trusted by the child as well as by the parents. It might be a family friend, a relative, a respected member of the community, or even someone living in the home.
There are many reasons why children don't tell. Most often it's because they are too embarrassed. They may be afraid of the consequences and may even have been led to believe that the abuse was their fault. Parents can help their children be safe by teaching them the proper names for their private parts and explaining to them that no one has the right to touch their private parts for no good reason. Child molesters often use "game names" for the private parts. Children who don't know the proper names may be misunderstood when trying to tell what happened to them because they are using words that others don't understand or don't associate with sexual abuse.
After abuse is disclosed, parents may agonize over why the child didn't tell them sooner. Children often instinctively know that what happened to them was wrong, but they may take the blame and be afraid to tell. Maybe they went somewhere the parent told them never to go or with someone they were told to stay away from. Maybe the abuser gave them drugs or alcohol or let them do things they knew they weren't supposed to do and then threatened to tell on them if they disclosed the abuse. Other typical threats could include: "If you tell, your mom/dad won't love you anymore (or won't believe you)," or "you'll be put in kid-jail," or "it will break-up our family," or "I'll kill your dog (or your mom, little sister, etc.)." The list goes on and on. When children do tell, some of the awful threats may even come true. The child might decide that the consequences of telling are actually worse than the abuse and take it all back.
Child molesters prey on the innocence of our children. Instead of teaching them to watch out for every person they know or meet, we need to empower children to watch out for their own bodies. Remind them that their private parts belong to them and that no one has the right to touch their private parts for no good reason. Most importantly, if a child tells you that he or she has been molested, believe the child! Victims have said that not being believed was in many ways worse than the actual abuse. If a child you know has been abused, contact Child Protection Services immediately at 1-800-800-5556 or call your local law enforcement agency. Our children are our nation's greatest resource; we must all strive to protect them. For more information, call Dunebrook at 1-800-897-0007.
Kris Pate
Director of Advocacy
Dunebrook
Six Ways Men Can Make Their Marriages Much Happier
Six Ways Men Can Make Their Marriages Much Happier
Scott Haltzman, MD
Brown University
en often are told that to improve their marriages, they must share their hopes and fears with their wives and become more emotionally connected -- in short, that they must behave in ways that are totally unnatural for the average man.
Good news: There are steps men can take that will make their marriages happier but still let them be themselves...
1. Treat your wife like a business client. Many men say they don't know what's expected of them in romantic relationships -- yet the same men know what to do in business relationships. The two aren't as different as you might think.
If a client made you unhappy, you wouldn't fight with him/her. Instead, you would try to smooth things out. If this client made a crucial error, you would not criticize him -- you would try to help him recover. Overall, you would try to understand who your client is, what his goals are and how you can help him succeed.
Treat your wife like this, and you won't go too far wrong. Of course, don't tell her you're treating her like a client. Just do it!
2. Forget the golden rule. "Do to others as you would have them do to you" isn't the best advice for married men. When we treat our wives as we would like to be treated, we ignore the fact that our wives are quite different from us.
Forget whatever you think you know about what makes people happy, and observe your wife for a while. What does she really appreciate? What are her deepest interests and goals? Have your past gifts and gestures of love been on target? You might not have to work much harder to make your wife happier -- you might just have to stop doing things that you would appreciate if someone did them for you and start doing things she will appreciate.
Example: Buy her a greeting card when there's no special occasion, and inside write how much you love her and need her. Leave the card someplace she will stumble on it unexpectedly. Such a gesture would mean little to the average husband but lots to the average wife.
3. Do more than say "I'm sorry." A single "I'm sorry" won't balance the scales when you say something critical of your wife... dismiss her ideas or her feelings... or make her feel ignored. It will most likely take five positive interactions for every negative one before you're back to par.
According to research by the Gottman Institute, a Seattle-based couples therapy organization, marriages tend to be happy when spouses -- wives as well as husbands -- interact with each other in a positive manner at least five times as often as they interact in a negative manner. Positive interactions might include paying her compliments, saying, "Thank you" or "I love you," offering to do something for her, holding her hand or paying attention to her.
4. Master the makeup. The happiness of your marriage is not determined by whether you fight -- all couples do. It's determined by how well you patch things up afterward. Wait until you cool down -- that typically takes about 20 minutes -- then make a peace offering. Bring her a cup of tea... say you're sorry you argued... or tell her that you love her. Such gestures generally help couples get past the fight fast and back to the happy marriage.
Helpful: Makeups are easier if you avoid the four mistakes that turn arguments into lingering problems -- criticizing, showing contempt, acting defensive and stonewalling (shutting down when your partner reaches out to you).
5. Seek your wife's opinion. Wives often feel that they don't have an equal voice in the decision-making. As far as most husbands are concerned, the issue isn't who is making the decisions, but whether the correct decisions are being made. Still, you can make your married life happier if you seek your wife's approval on your ideas, even when you believe you're right. Who knows? Maybe she is right. Don't dismiss her opinion out of hand -- even when it isn't feasible. Instead, say something positive about the idea, then later express disappointment if together you "discover" that it won't work.
Example: She wants to fly across the country to visit your daughter next month. You know the trip won't fit into your budget. Rather than tell her no and invite her anger, establish that you're on her side. Say something like, "I always love to see our daughter. Let's see if we can afford it." Together, review the family's finances, and let her make the decision that you can't afford to go -- or perhaps she'll think of a clever way so that you can afford it.
6. Do some cleaning. Most wives think their husbands should help more with housework. Many husbands think they do so much work around the yard and with the car that housework isn't their responsibility. Who's right? Studies by University of Michigan Institute for Social Research show that husbands are. When work hours both inside and outside the home are added up, even husbands who don't help with the cleaning often put in about as many hours of effort as their wives.
Unfortunately, if you try to argue this point, you're sure to lose. You can either spend your life bickering about whether you get enough credit for your contributions -- working long hours at the office, tending the lawn and handling the car repairs -- or you can do some housework and have a happier marriage. To make your wife really happy, figure out which household task is her least favorite and do it without being asked.
