The Origins of Trauma : Trauma and Addiction: "The Origins of Trauma
Excerpted from Trauma and Addiction: Ending the Cycle of Pain Through Emotional Literacy
by Tian Dayton, Ph.D.
Book Description
For the past decade, author Tian Dayton has been researching trauma and addiction, and how psychodrama (or sociometry group psychotherapy) can be used in their treatment. Since trauma responses are stored in the body, a method of therapy that engages the body through role play can be more effective in accessing the full complement of trauma-related memories.
This latest book identifies the interconnection of trauma and addictive behavior, and shows why they can become an unending cycle. Emotional and psychological pain so often lead to self-medicating, which leads to more pain, and inevitably more self-medicating, and so on--ad infinitum. This groundbreaking book offers readers effective ways to work through their traumas in order to heal their addictions and their predilection toward what clinicians call self-medicating (the abuse of substances [alcohol, drugs, food], activities [work, sex, gambling, etc.] and/or possessions [money, material things].) Readers caught up in the endless cycle of trauma and addiction will permanently transform their lives by reading this book."
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How Your Personality Affects Relationships
Personality Type and Relationship Success
How your personality affects relationships
and how to overcome self-limitations
We all know that different people have different personality types. But how many different types are there? What are they? And how do they effect our relationships?
According to the most useful system we have encountered — it's called the "Enneagram" — there are nine basic personality archetypes. We all have some of each archetype within us. But we tend to concentrate most of our energy in just one type, or a couple of types.
Below, we will briefly examine the nine archetypes in the Enneagram system of personality profiling, and the expected problems each type will have in love and relationships. We will also describe how each type can personally grow to overcome any of their self-limiting beliefs.
As you read through these different types, you may get a sense of where you fit — or you may not clearly see it. The Enneagram is a robustly rich and complex system. And we each have a little of all types. Our presentation below is just a start.
My Sexual Abuse
By C.N.
May 26, 2004
My Sexual Abuse.
From the age of 8 on, (it may have started earlier but I don't remember), my father would stick his fingers into my anus after and while he spanked me.
At 10 after a particularly savage beating in which I argued about it, my father came up to my room afterwards, under guise of making sure their was no damage, made me pull down my pants and underpants under threat of another beating and raped me, holding my head to the pillow, threatening me with death if I screamed or told anyone.
At 11 my father brought me down to his printing plant on a Saturday under guise of showing me his business and beat me and raped me.
At 12 my father took me on a trip with him to Philadelphia to buy some printing equipment, we stayed in a hotel and he beat me and raped me.
My Spankings
I grew up the oldest of three kids in a small town in NH. My parents were the hardest on me. I don't remember my brother or sister ever getting spanked. I got spanked a good number of times.
I have only a handful of memories before age 8.
The first spanking I remember was when I was 8. I don't remember what I did wrong but I do remember that my father really beat my bare bottom real hard for that in the bathroom.
The next spanking I remember was also when I was 8. I had gotten into my mother's perfume in my parent's room and she got angry with me and pulled down my pants and underpants and spanked my bare bottom real hard with her hand.
When I was in 3rd grade. Two boys and I got in trouble. The teacher kept us behind when the rest of the class went to recess. She pulled down our pants and underpants and took us over her lap and spanked our bare bottoms hard with a ruler. We had to watch each other get their bare bottoms spanked.
I was at a pediatrician friend of my mother's house playing with their two sons, who were my age. We were in their bedroom with our pants and underpants down around our ankles exploring each other's bodies. The father came into the room and got angry and gave each one of us a good hard sound bare bottom spanking with his hand in front of each other.
When I was in fourth grade a teacher told my parents that I needed more discipline.. They took it to mean that I needed to be spanked more. So they decided that I needed to get spanked every week for a number of weeks. So every week after my bath I would get my bare bottom spanked by my father with his hand.
When I was 10 I was out playing with a gang of younger kids. I made this kid pull down his pants and photographed his bare bottom. When the pictures came back from developing my mother noticed the picture of the kid's bare bottom and she got real angry at me and my parents confronted me with it and I tried to lie about it. It came out that I photographed that kid's bare bottom. They were furious. My mother was adamat that I get spanked and my mother insisted that my father spank me. My father was furious and went out to the garage and got a piece of 1x3. My brother and sister were there in the living room. My father made me pull down my pants and underpants and he beat me over his lap with that piece of 1x3 really hard for a good long time and when I cried he said that he would beat me harder. Then they let me get up and go to my room.
Another time when I was 10 I was playing doctor with this other little girl my age. She made me take off all my clothes and played doctor with me. She told me about a place where she had been where people went around without their clothes. We almost got caught When I got home I was around my brother and some neighbors. I pulled down my pants to demonstrate what she told me about and my brother ratted me out to my parents.
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My name is Chris
I am three,
My eyes are swollen
I cannot see,
I must be stupid
I must be bad,
What else could have made
My daddy so mad?
I wish I were better
I wish I weren't ugly,
Then maybe my mommy
Would still want to hug me.
I cant do a wrong
I cant speak at all
Or else I'm locked up
All day long.
When I'm awake I'm all alone
The house is dark
My folks aren't home
When my mommy does come home
I'll try and be nice,
So maybe ill just get
One whipping tonight.
I just heard a car
My daddy is back
From Chariles bar.
I hear him curse
My name is called
I press myself
Against the wall
I try to hide
From his evil eyes
I'm so afraid now
I'm starting to cry
He finds me weeping
Calls me ugly words,
He says its my fault
He suffers at work.
He slaps and hits me
And yells at me more,
I finally get free
And run to the door
Hes already locked it
And i start to bawl,
He takes me and throws me
Against the hard wall
I fall to the floor
With my bones nearly broken,
And my daddy continues
With more bad words spoken,
"I'm sorry!", I scream
But its now much to late
His face has been twisted
Into a unimaginable shape
The hurt and the pain
Again and again
O please God, have mercy!
O please let it end!
And he finally stops
And heads for the door
While i lay there motionless
Sprawled on the floor
My name is Chris
I am three,
Tonight my daddy
Murdered me
And you can help
Sickens me to the soul,
And if you read this
and don't pass it on
I pray for your forgiveness
Because you would have to be
One heartless person
To not be affected
By this Poem
And because u r affected,
Do something about it!
So all i ask you to do
Is pass this on!
IF YOU ARE AGAINST CHILD ABUSE!
Why Don’t Kids Tell?
Sexual abuse is a very private crime and there are seldom any witnesses. Those who may have seen the crime are often too intimidated to speak up. The child seldom feels able to tell about the crime. The victim is almost always told not to tell. Children in our society are taught to obey adults. All children need love and approval from their parents. It may be enough that the offender makes it clear that the victim will no longer be loved and accepted unless she/he submits and says nothing.
Some children are told that if they submit to the abuse, their sister or brother will be spared. The child may disclose when she or he discovers that the sister or brother is also being abused, and there is no reason to keep silent.
Some kids try to tell their mothers and are not believed. Some mothers get angry at the child. These kids have a hard time. Their feelings of betrayal are enormous.
Some children are told that they will go to jail if they tell because they are as guilty as the offender. Children tend to believe what adults say.
Most children are ashamed of the abuse. If you had done something that you believed was bad and felt very ashamed about and you believed it was your fault and that if you told it would destroy your family, would you tell? If you had been threatened that your cat, mother, sister, or school friends would be killed if you told, would you tell? If you thought no one would believe you if you told and you knew that your offender would be extremely angry at you and would probably punish you harshly, would you tell? What if your offender told you that you would go to jail because you were just as guilty?
I think one of the cruelest things that has happened to many sexually abused children has been to be punished for being seductive. It is believed that most sexually seductive young children have been sexually abused. It is insult to injury when an accused offender is acquitted because the child “asked for it” by being sexually seductive. No matter how seductive a child is, the adult must refrain. No child has the ability to give informed consent to having sex with an adult. No child has equal power to say no to an adult.36
Male victims may refuse to tell because of the pervasive homophobia in our society. They do not want to be labeled a homosexual. Fortunately, the fact that the accused is heterosexual is no longer considered “proof” that he did not offend a child. Unfortunately, the child may not know this and still be unwilling to tell.
All things seem to favor the keeping of the secret. The child who tells is incredibly brave and very rare.
Herbal and Natural Remedies: "Herbal and Natural Remedies
The good news is that many depression sufferers are able to significantly reduce or eliminate symptoms through natural and more cost effective means. Having several different avenues for treatment is important since the causes of depression are wide and varied. Ranging from simple changes in one's life to more serious brain chemical imbalances, treatment for depression can not take a 'one size fits all' type of approach. Lifestyle changes and stress-management techniques can address environmental causes of depression, whereas herbal and natural remedies offer more options for physiological treatment of depression symptoms. Herbal and natural remedies such as St. John's Wort, SAMe, 5HTP, Ginkgo Biloba, and Ginseng provide depression relief uniquely by influencing various specific biochemical processes. Some remedies replenish missing brain chemicals or cell enzymes, whereas others increase certain hormone levels. What's more, herbal and natural products are easily accessible and provide fast relief with little or no side effects. By addressing specific causes and deficiencies, depression treatment can be easily tailored to fit the individual's needs. Ultimately, depression sufferers have several effective treatment options readily available through herbal and natural depression remedies."
Fear of Intimacy
By Dr. Margaret Paul
We all desire that deeply fulfilling experience of intimacy, yet many people have two fears in the way of intimacy. In this article, discover what these fears are and how to heal them.
Emotional intimacy is one of the most wonderful experiences we ever have. Nothing else really comes close to the experience of sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings with another, of being deeply seen and known, of sharing love, passion, laughter, joy, and/or creativity. The experience of intimacy fills our souls and takes away our loneliness.
Why, then, would someone be afraid of intimacy?
It is not actually the intimacy itself that people fear. If people could be guaranteed that intimacy would continue to be a positive experience, they would have no fear of it. What they fear is the possibility of getting hurt as a result of being intimate with another.
Many people have two major fears that may cause them to avoid intimacy: the fear of rejection - of losing the other person, and the fear of engulfment - of being invaded, of being controlled and losing oneself.
Because we have all learned to react to conflict with various controlling behaviors - from anger and blame to compliance, withdrawal, and resistance - every relationship presents us with these issues of rejection and engulfment. If one person gets angry, the other may feel rejected or controlled and get angry back, give themselves up, withdraw or resist. If one person shuts down, the other may feel rejected and become judgmental, which may trigger the other's fears of engulfment, and so on. These protective circles exist in one form or another in every relationship. When the fears of rejection and engulfment become too great, a person may decide that it is just painful to be in a relationship and they avoid intimacy altogether.
Yet avoiding relationships leads to loneliness and lack of emotional and spiritual growth. Relationships offer us the most powerful arena for personal growth, if we accept this challenge. So what moves us beyond the fear of intimacy?
The fear exists, not because of the experience itself, but because a person doesn't know how to handle the situations of being rejected or controlled. The secret of moving beyond the fear of intimacy lies in developing a powerful loving adult part of us that learns how to not take rejection personally, and learns to set appropriate limits against engulfment.
When we learn how to take personal responsibility for defining our own worth instead of making others' love and approval responsible for our feelings of worth, we will no longer take rejection personally. This does not mean that we will like rejection - it means we will no longer be afraid of it and have a need to avoid it.
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My Survivor Story
&
Background Information
I wanted to create this website to be informative and inspirational, as well as supportive. These are all things that I found difficult to find on my own healing journey. The resources available where I live are very limited. Just keep looking, resources are out there!
I hope that in sharing some of my story, it will enable others to come forward and share, dispelling the horrible secrets hidden away, or at the very least, to help other survivors understand that we are not alone.
My Story
Wisdoms
I am a 31 year old female from Wisconsin who was mentally and sexually abused by my stepfather from the ages of 12 to 18. He was also my gradeschool teacher.
I was never able to tell anyone my horrible secret while the abuse was happening. My mother, for the most part, suspected what was going on, but did nothing. I had no other family or friends that I could turn to.
I was able to leave and end the abuse once I graduated high school. I thought I was finally finished with the hell. Once I was in college, however, I became depressed and severly anxious. The only person that knew what had happened was my husband. I did seek out therapy on and off during college. These endeavors proved to be unhelpful and once again, I was left to deal with the aftermath.
When I had finished college and found a career that I loved, I was once again ready to start the healing process. I found an extremely wonderful, and very compassionate therapist, who has guided me on that journey. There have been many ups and downs. A lot of shame, pain, hurt, anger, and grief have been released, but the fact that I am healing has been worth it. I have worked very hard both in therapy and out and we have been extremely committed to my healing.
I am currently still in therapy, learning to heal and cope. I have also made the decision to seek legal action against my stepfather. This has been a very difficult road and one that certainly isn't for everybody, but hopefully my actions will be able to help someone else. Please feel free to go to the reporting process page of my site for more information.
I truly hope that hearing some of my story has been helpful and I would welcome anyone who wants to share their story to email me. If you would like, I can create a page for other survivor's stories. It's important to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!
Here are some of my personal simple advice, reflections, and things that I have learned from important people in my life. These ideas apply to anyone that has been sexually abused, and their loved ones, no matter what stage in the healing process you or they are at:
You are NOT alone! It's rough, but you WILL get through this.
It is NOT your fault. No matter what age you were when the abuse happened! No matter what the circumstances were.
Learn to embrace your beautiful, innocent inner child. She / He needs that unconditional love.
If you are going to enter therapy, find a therapist that you "click" with and is compassionate. Keep looking. They are out there. How many frogs did the princess have to kiss before she found her prince?
Be committed and have faith in the healing process. It won't happen overnight, but with hardwork and determination, you will start to feel better.
Just because you were abused doesn't mean you will automatically abuse your own children.
Many people have not had to deal with abuse before. Don't get discouraged if they don't know how to handle it or say things that are frustrating.
It's OK to feel no matter what emotions come up. Just find a safe place to express them.
People aren't mindreaders. Figure out what you need and express that to people.
You are a survivor. Embrace yourself and what you had to do to survive during the trauma.
Take time out of every day for daydreaming and play.
Everyone's healing journey is different. Do what you need to do for yourself, not based upon what others think.
Appreciate all of the positive things currently in your life.
Live mindfully. Stay in the present by using all of your senses and focusing on what is happening now.
Nurture and love yourself.
Learn relaxation techniques.
A very wise woman once told me: C for Courageous, NOT S for Superwoman. Remember, we can't always do it all. How true this is!
I learned from someone very special about "Cookie People." Everyone needs to have a "Cookie Person." It can be anyone who loves you for you. They can be from your childhood, adulthood, past, or present. Maybe you haven't discovered yours yet. It's never too late. Find yours and appreciate them! Maybe you are your own "Cookie
Person"!
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Rachel's Story
Survivor of Child Sexual Abuse
When I was 12 I didn’t know I couldn’t get pregnant by kissing and fondling. I was scared. I was even more scared because the person who was doing the kissing and fondling was my father. I wanted to make him stop, especially after he went on to touch my two younger sisters in the bedroom we shared, but I thought if I told, it would destroy my family.
When I was 39 years old, I had an overwhelmingly frightening nightmare about my father coming into my bedroom to sexually abuse me, but this time in my own home. This was a safe space that I had created for myself as a loving adult. I thought I was done dealing with the sexual abuse, but I realized that the abuse I experienced as a child was still a family secret. I finally confronted my father with the abuse and he did acknowledge what he had done.
At the time, I thought that this confrontation would be enough. Three years later when I saw a photograph of my father holding my young niece, I realized I had to talk about this within my whole family if I wanted my niece to be safe.
I call this a story of hope because in this second confrontation my father admitted what he did — not just to me, but to the whole family — and apologized. The family is now aware that we have a problem that can’t be buried any longer, even though they wish it would just go away. It’s a story of hope because maybe more abusers will understand they can admit what they did and help their families heal. Maybe more survivors of abuse will realize they can confront the history that haunts them and regain control over their lives.
Don’t get me wrong — this story does not have a fairytale ending. Life isn’t usually like that. The first time I confronted my father was in a letter after I had a nightmare that was really a flashback to when I was 12 and my father came into my room at night to fondle my breasts and kiss me. But in my dream, my father was in my own house, the home and safety I created for myself as an adult.
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Domestic Violence and Abuse: Types, Signs, Symptoms, Causes, and Effects: "Domestic Violence and Abuse:
Types, Signs, Symptoms, Causes, and Effects
Victims of domestic violence by intimate partners are five to eight times more likely to be women than men.
If you want to talk to someone, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at: 1-800-799-7233 (1-800-799-SAFE)
If you need help immediately, call 911.
Domestic Violence and Abuse: Types, Signs, Symptoms, Causes, and Effects
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In This Article:
Domestic violence or abuse abuse
Types of domestic abuse Signs of an abusive relationship
Physical abuse Warning signs in the workplace
Emotional or verbal abuse Causes of domestic violence
Sexual abuse Effects of domestic abuse
Stalking and cyberstalking Effect of domestic violence on children
Economic or financial abuse References and resources
Domestic abuse by a spouse or intimate partner knows no age or ethnic boundaries. Domestic abuse can occur during a relationship or after a relationship has ended. The victims of domestic violence and spousal abuse are five to eight times more likely to be women than men. However, men can also be the victims of domestic abuse.
A common pattern of domestic abuse is that the perpetrator alternates"
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Fear.
One small word, and yet so much of the clinical practice of psychology hangs on it.
The average person who contemplates psychotherapy isn’t really thinking much about fear. Like someone who goes to a physician with a broken arm, the initial concern will be to fix the presenting problem so that life can get back to normal.
In fact, if a child falls out of a tree and breaks his arm, the treating physician will most likely think about fixing the broken bone, not about asking questions. “What was the child doing in the tree? Where were the parents?” And even if questions are asked, the parents, if they have anything to hide, will deceive the physician with a string of lies about family harmony.
Now, some practitioners of psychology—especially those under the influence of managed care—will do nothing but fix “broken bones.” But if you are willing to get to the cause of the problem, and if your psychologist knows his or her job, then it is inevitable that you will encounter in the psychotherapy the deep secrets and dark, ugly terrors of your psyche. In fact, a client once said to me that the truth is not just ugly but is “worse than humiliating.” And at this point the whole psychotherapy is put to the test. Many clients will run from psychotherapy in fear and terminate prematurely. But the real challenge at this point is to explore in the psychotherapy the very reasons for being afraid of it.
Granted, this can be a difficult process. Fear keeps alcoholics drinking, addicts addicted, and the average person from even being interested in psychology. In fearing the dark truth of the human psyche one never gets to feel the true joy of real light. Because, after all, the light of good psychotherapy illuminates the dark that we all fear and shows it for what it is. So there you are, in full irony: in your fear of the dark, you end up fearing love itself.
Why should this be? Well, in the early years of our lives, whether they are filled with abuse and trauma or just ordinary childhood trials, we learn to defend ourselves from the pain of life. There’s nothing wrong with defenses. In fact, they often keep us alive. But if you cling to your childish defenses and carry them on into adulthood—as most everyone does unconsciously—you can end up with a lifestyle that causes you more problems than it’s worth. And the thought of changing your life is terrifying, because it’s all you know.
So, out of respect for your fear, rather than lecture you, I’ll just tell a story.
A Story
He began the session by talking about his fear of speaking on the telephone, as if kicking himself for being so inhibited.
“I don’t know what I’m afraid of,” he stated.
“Well, take a guess. What comes to mind?” I asked.
“The unknown, I think. I’m afraid of the unknown.” It was a good answer, as far as it went. But when I tried to engage him in exploring the idea further, he balked. It was one of those characteristic therapeutic balks the psychoanalysts have called “resistance.”
“It feels like you’re twisting my arm,” he said.
I accepted that. “OK, so let’s talk about something else.” So he talked about a disconcerting feeling of depression lately, a feeling of futility, that no matter how much he came to see me it would all be for nothing and he would never make any improvement. Then he talked about wanting to throw and smash things. That led him to remembering how he actually did throw things when he was taking care of his demented father in the last years before his father died. He talked about—and by now was beginning to feel it as well—his guilt for getting angry when his father wouldn’t cooperate with him And then it hit him. Tears. Swearing. Shouting and pounding the chair. His face was bright red, dripping with tears.
I didn’t care if anyone could hear the shouting, and I knew he wasn’t dangerous. I’ve worked in a crisis clinic, and I’ve been part of a “take down” when a really dangerous patient had to be forcefully placed in restraints. Take off your neck tie, put on the rubber gloves, make sure there’s one staff member for each arm and leg. . . . No, in my own office I do real psychotherapy. Sit calmly and ratify the experience for him. He knew I wouldn’t twist his arm no matter what he did. He had all honesty at his service. Besides, if the therapist gets frightened, the client knows it, and that puts an end to everything. Period.
Eventually he calmed down. “I guess I really was angry at my brother and sister for leaving me alone to take care of my father like that,” were the first calm words out of his mouth. Then we talked about what happened. Yes, the stifled anger was behind the feeling of depression and hopelessness; essentially he had doubts several days before that he would be able to do—and survive—what he just did: speak honestly about what he was feeling. At the time, he thought nothing about his life could change. He unconsciously “knew” about the anger, but he feared what would happen if he let it out. Hence the depression. It’s really anger turned inward, as they say.
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What is Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder?
Post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD, is an anxiety disorder that is triggered from an emotional experience. Many times, those who experience PTSD have endured an unbelievable experience, or have witnessed an event that leaves a negative imprint on their mind. In most cases, PTSD is triggered from a life-threatening event such as war, a natural disaster, accident, or hostage situation. PTSD does not affect everyone. There are individuals who have endured many terrible events throughout their life and do not display any lasting effects, whereas some may develop PTSD after a single life changing event. It is estimated that post-traumatic stress disorder affects 5 million adults in the United States.
How Does Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Develop?
Post-traumatic stress disorder may develop immediately following a traumatic experience, or not surface for many years after the event. In most cases, many begin to show signs of PTSD within days of an event. Among the people who will live through a traumatic experience, 28% will develop some form of PTSD. Milder forms of the disorder may appear immediately, and subside as time passes. However, approximately 30% of all those affected with PTSD will develop a chronic form of the disorder that will become a life-long battle. Fortunately, PTSD has remission periods, in which the sufferer will not experience any overwhelming memories or flashbacks of their past events.
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Welcome! You are not alone.
Survive child sexual abuse? Is that the best we can say, "I'm surviving?" That's Dr. Wayne Kritzberg's point in The Invisible Wound. Survivors will tell you that dealing with the aftermath of child sexual abuse is a matter of survival - life and death - for a lot of guys. But Dr. Kritzberg points out that the perpetrator has robbed the young boy of any of the joy and beauty in life, beyond mere "surviving."
Can a man lead a healthy, full and creative life after surviving child sexual abuse? Yes he can, but the road is rough. This section of MenWeb is devoted to helping male survivors to find such a life. We offer some articles and other information for male survivors of childhood sexual abuse. We've heard a lot about survivors, but so much of it is geared to women. But some experts believe that male children are sexually abused as much as, or almost as much as, female children. And women, as well as men, are perpetrators. Here we present some male-focused and male-positive articles and information, specifically for male survivors. Their needs are often quite different from female survivors. For example, male survivors frequently get involved in anger. The information is from MenWeb, with additional information from other Web sites specifically geared to male survivors. In those cases, we've provided links to those sites, for more information.
The good news is that there's lots of help and support "out there" if you know where to look. We'll try to help you with that.
Doggie (Scott in background)
The Associate WebMaster here is Scott Abraham, a survivor who knows from personal experience the healing power of survivors telling their stories to each other. He has been courageous enough to author several "hot" stories that have appeared in MEN Magazine, in the hopes that "going public" with his story will help other men. His review of books for male survivors, including the book he says saved his life, first appeared on MenWeb, and has been picked up by a large number of other Web sites. Scott is finishing up work on his counseling degree.
To begin with, we present three stories by Scott, written at different points on his own journey, and Scott's now-famous book review. We will add more content as we get it.
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Communication in Intimate Relationships
When you are in an intimate relationship, you should feel understood and accepted for who you are. You trust the other person and can open up completely to them. Intimacy can be intellectual, emotional, and physical.
An intimate relationship is one in which you:
* pay attention to your partner
* share ideas and thoughts
* share feelings with each other without fear
* try to understand why you and your partner behave as you do.
You can communicate in many ways:
* words (what you say and what you do not say in phone calls, in person, in writing)
* gestures (turning away from your partner, nodding your head, showing that you are listening)
* facial expressions (smiling, frowning, looking disgusted)
* touch (hugs, holding hands, sexual intimacy).
Research has shown that the quality of your relationship is directly related to the quality of your communication skills. This does not mean that you always sit around talking about your relationship. It means that you talk about things that really matter. It means that you are not afraid to express what you really think and feel and that your partner trusts you the same way.
Try using the methods below to strengthen your communication and your relationship.
Improve your self-image
Communication is greatly affected by your self-image. Your appearance, sense of accomplishment, education, profession, and health are all part of your self-image. If you have a poor image of yourself, you may be shy about expressing yourself. You may think your partner is critical of you, even when he or she is not.
Learn to overcome your insecurities, fears, and low self-esteem. A better self-image helps you and your partner to send and receive accurate and undistorted communication.
Practice active listening skills.
Listening is even more important than talking. Most of us are not good listeners. It is important for couples to learn to listen first and then to speak.
Express interest in what your partner is thinking and doing. Really try to understand how your partner feels. Do not assume that you already know.
Don't depend on mind-reading.
Trying to read your partner's mind, or expecting your partner to read yours, can backfire. Your partner may not do anything to provoke you, yet you may feel insulted.
For example, your partner tells you about someone's expensive condo and recent promotion. You might think your partner is criticizing you for not making enough money or not getting a better job.
Sometimes it seems you can't talk about anything without offending each other. So you stop talking to each other to avoid arguing and fighting. Then each partner is offended by the silence of the other and sees it as punishment. Ask questions and clarify what your partner really means.
Pride and stubbornness get in the way of honest communication. We often expect our partners to understand without having to say anything. Tell your partner about your feelings, needs, and desires. If you find yourself saying "He should know what I want," or "I shouldn't have to tell her," your communication skills need work.
Learn how to talk about yourself.
You may not be sure how to say what you mean to get your partner to understand how you feel. Learn how to express your feelings. Use "I" language. For example, say "I feel...I need...I want...." This will help you to express yourself and let your partner know your emotional state in a less threatening manner.
Respect and support your partner.
When you respect each other, you avoid calling each other names and putting each other down. Respect means being courteous. Use "please," "excuse me," and "thank you" as freely with the person you love as you do with strangers.
Touch each other.
Touching is something that all human beings need. Touch can be sensual as well as sexual. Hold hands, snuggle on the couch while you watch TV, hug, kiss, take baths together, and give each other massages. Touching each other often also makes sexual intimacy more comfortable.
Make your partner a priority.
Notice what is important to your partner. Don't assume that something that pleases you will please your partner. Ask questions about what makes your partner feel loved.
Don't take each other for granted. Make unexpected phone calls, special dinners, flowers, and little gifts part of your relationship. The idea is to communicate that you are thinking of each other even when you aren't together.
Share the big stuff and the little things.
Share the big, important issues such as dreams and fears. Tell each other the stories of your lives, sharing your understanding of how your past influences the present. Talk about the crazy things that happen day to day. Be willing to laugh at yourself. Concentrate on humor that does not make fun of others, but that allows you to laugh together.
Be genuine.
Make sure that you and your partner feel safe enough to be honest and open about your feelings and ideas. State what you really think and be willing to accept different views and feelings, even anger.
Try to phrase messages so they do not cause hurt or invite rejection. Be cautious about what you say and how you say it. Your goal is to communicate in order to create and maintain a positive, loving relationship.
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Convention on the Rights of the Child
Convention on the Rights of the Child
U.N. General Assembly
Document A/RES/44/25 (12 December 1989)
with Annex
The General Assembly,
Recalling its previous resolutions, especially resolutions 33/166 of 20 December 1978 and 43/112 of 8 December 1988, and those of the Commission on Human Rights and the Economic and Social Council related to the question of a convention on the rights of the child,
Taking note, in particular, of Commission on Human Rights resolution 1989/57 of 8 March 1989, by which the Commission decided to transmit the draft convention on the rights of the child, through the Economic and Social Council, to the General Assembly, and Economic and Social Council resolution 1989/79 of 24 May 1989,
Reaffirming that children's rights require special protection and call for continuous improvement of the situation of children all over the world, as well as for their development and education in conditions of peace and security,
Profoundly concerned that the situation of children in many parts of the world remains critical as a result of inadequate social conditions, natural disasters, armed conflicts, exploitation, illiteracy, hunger and disability, and convinced that urgent and effective national and international action is called for,
Mindful of the important role of the United Nations Children's Fund and of that of the United Nations in promoting the well-being of children and their development,
Convinced that an international convention on the rights of the child, as a standard-setting accomplishment of the United Nations in the field of human rights, would make a positive contribution to protecting children's rights and ensuring their well-being,
Bearing in mind that 1989 marks the thirtieth anniversary of the Declaration of the Rights of the Child and the tenth anniversary of the International Year of the Child,
1. Expresses its appreciation to the Commission on Human Rights for having concluded the elaboration of the draft convention on the rights of the child;
2. Adopts and opens for signature, ratification and accession the Convention on the Rights of the Child contained in the annex to the present resolution;
3. Calls upon all Member States to consider signing and ratifying or acceding to the Convention as a matter of priority and expresses the hope that it will come into force at an early date;
4. Requests the Secretary-General to provide all the facilities and assistance necessary for dissemination of information on the Convention;
5. Invites United Nations agencies and organizations, as well as intergoverrunental and non-governmental organizations, to intensify their efforts with a view to disseminating information on the Convention and to promoting its understanding;
6. Requests the Secretary-General to submit to the General Assembly at its forty-fifth session a report on the status of the Convention on the Rights of the Child;
7. Decides to consider the report of the Secretary-General at its forty-fifth session under an item entitled "Implementation of the Convention on the Rights of the Child".
61st plenary meeting
20 November 1989
ANNEX
Convention on the Rights of the Child
PREAMBLE
The States Parties to the present Convention,
Considering that, in accordance with the principles proclaimed in the Charter of the United Nations, recognition of the inherent dignity and of the equal and inalienable rights of all members of the human family is the foundation of freedom, justice and peace in the world,
Bearing in mind that the peoples of the United Nations have, in the Charter, reaffirmed their faith in fundamental human rights and in the dignity and worth of the human person, and have determined to promote social progress and better standards of life in larger freedom,
Recognizing that the United Nations has, in the Universal Declaration of Human Rights and in the International Covenants on Human Rights, proclaimed and agreed that everyone is entitled to all the rights and freedoms set forth therein, without distinction of any kind, such as race, colour, sex, language, religion, political or other opinion, national or social origin, property, birth or other status,
Recalling that, in the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, the United Nations has proclaimed that childhood is entitled to special care and assistance,
Convinced that the family, as the fundamental group of society and the natural environment for the growth and well-being of all its members and particularly children, should be afforded the necessary protection and assistance so that it can fully assume its responsibilities within the community,
Recognizing that the child, for the full and harmonious development of his or her personality, should grow up in a family environment, in an atmosphere of happiness, love and understanding,
Considering that the child should be fully prepared to live an individual life in society, and brought up in the spirit of the ideals proclaimed in the Charter of the United Nations, and in particular in the spirit of peace, dignity, tolerance, freedom, equality and solidarity,
Bearing in mind that the need to extend particular care to the child has been stated in the Geneva Declaration of the Rights of the Child of 1924 and in the Declaration of the Rights of the Child adopted by the General Assembly on 20 November 1959 and recognized in the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, in the International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights (in particular in articles 23 and 24), in the International Covenant on Economic, Social and Cultural Rights (in particular in article 10) and in the statutes and relevant instruments of specialized agencies and international organizations concerned with the welfare of children,
Bearing in mind that, as indicated in the Declaration of the Rights of the Child, "the child, by reason of his physical and mental immaturity, needs special safeguards and care, including appropriate legal protection, before as well as after birth",
Recalling the provisions of the Declaration on Social and Legal Principles relating to the Protection and Welfare of Children, with Special Reference to Foster Placement and Adoption Nationally and Internationally; the United Nations Standard Minimum Rules for the Administration of Juvenile justice (The Beijing Rules); and the Declaration on the Protection of Women and Children in Emergency and Armed Conflict,
Recognizing that, in all countries in the world, there are children living in exceptionally difficult conditions, and that such children need special consideration,
Taking due account of the importance of the traditions and cultural values of each people for the protection and harmonious development of the child,
Recognizing the importance of international co-operation for improving the living conditions of children in every country, in particular in the developing countries,
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Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child
By Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PHD
Spare the Rod—spoil the child has reached new heights of sadistic and barbaric torture of children. A device called, “The Rod,” is manufactured in Oklahoma, for the sole purpose of whipping babies and children on their bare skin. The device is sold along with specific and explicit manuals such as: "To Train Up a Child" and "Shepherding a Child's Heart" [both sold at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble] that recommend whipping infants one year of age or younger.
“The Rod” is touted as the next best thing since sliced bread. It is sold as the ideal tool for child training. Child training?—sounds more like someone is talking about training an animal—but animal cruelty is considered criminal, so you won’t see “the Rod” advertised for training your dog. If a person hit an animal with “The Rod” as intended—those who administered or allowed the abuse to be administered would be arrested for cruelty.
The ad for “The Rod” cites the following features and benefits:
Features:
• Flexible nylon rod—leaves the right amount of sting without injury
• Cushioned vinyl grip (manufactured for bicycle handle)—easy on parents hands and prevents stress on hand/arm muscles
• Balanced—assures accuracy
• Lightweight—your hand/arm doesn’t tire during use
• Safety tip—prevents the nylon from developing rough edges
• Convenient—fits easily into a purse or diaper bag
• Affordable—buy one for the kitchen, bedroom, car, wherever
• Unbreakable—will last a life time
• Guaranteed—satisfaction or your money back
Benefits:
• Spoons are for cooking
• Belts are for holding up pants
• Hands are for loving
• Rods are for chastening—Proverbs 23:13-14 AND Proverbs 22:15.
Those people who believe chastening is commended in the Bible, specifically the book of Proverbs have misinterpreted the Bible. There is a distinction between the practice in King Solomon’s day of beating people on the back and the modern American habit of buttocks hitting, chastening, spanking of children. The latter is not prescribed anywhere in the Bible. Furthermore, it needs to be pointed out that the Old Testament contains passages that could be (and in some incidents have been) construed as divine endorsements of wife-beating, racial warfare, slavery, the stoning to death of rebellious children and other behaviors that are outrageous by today’s standards. As Shakespeare once wrote, “The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.”
Chastening, a.k.a. hitting/switching/whipping/corporal punishment, can weaken the survivor’s immune system according to Dr. Frank Putnam of the National Institute of Mental Health and Dr. Martin Teicher of Harvard Medical School. Putnam conducted studies of 170 girls, 6-15 years old—half had been subjected to ‘corporal punishment,’ half had not---for seven years. The abused girls displayed symptoms such as:
• Abnormally high stress hormones, which can kill neurons in brain areas crucial for thinking and memory
• High levels of an antibody that weaken the immune system
Teicher completed a series of brain studies on 402 children and adults, many of whom had been physically abused. His finds revealed that physical abuse creates:
• Arrested growth of the left hemisphere of the brain which can hamper development of language and logic
• Growth of the right hemisphere of the brain (the site for emotion) at an abnormally early age
The result of a weakened immune system includes more profound as well as seldom recognized physical aftereffects such as: vaginal, ovarian, prostate, testicular or breast cancer, PMS, MS, fibromyalgia, to name a few of the most prominent illness as a result of surviving physical abuse. Louise Hay in her Book, Heal Your Body—The Mental Causes for Physical Illness and the Metaphysical Ways to Overcome Them, cited her own vaginal cancer as an example of a weakened immune system due to physical/sexual abuse and how Metaphysical healing can heal the body.
Our laws and our cultural values are unambiguous concerning adults who physically attack or verbally threaten adults. Such behavior is recognized as criminal, and we hold the offenders accountable. Why then, when so much is at stake for society, do we accept the convoluted thinking and excuses of child of child abusers—all in the name of religion?
Why do we become interested in the needs of children only after they have been terribly victimized, or have become delinquents victimizing others?
The answer is not complicated. People cannot have empathy toward abused children until they can honestly acknowledge the mistreatment from their own childhood experiences and examine the shortcomings of their parents. To the extent they feel compelled to defend their parents and guard their secrets, they will do the same for others. They will look the other way. They will continue to use the misinterpreted Biblical passage. By continually insisting that they “turned out okay,” they are reassuring themselves and diverting their attention from deeply hidden unpleasant memories.
This is why, when someone says, “‘spanking/chastening’ is abuse,” many people react as though a door barricaded since infancy has been smashed open. This barricaded, unconscious door has prevented them from committing the most dangerous most unpardonable act of disloyalty imaginable, disloyalty to their parents. They are afraid that by opening the door to the truth, they might fall through into an abyss—abandoned and cut off from any possibility of reconciliation with the parents they love. The fear is irrational. Denial—about what was done to you and, now, what you are doing and allowing to be done to this generation—is the current danger and the real sin.
The following books are excellent resources for healthy parenting:
-Case Against Spanking, Irwin Hyman
-Without Spanking or Spoiling, Elizabeth Crary
-Instead of Spanking-1001 Alternatives, Vol. 2, Adah Maurer
-Discipline Without Shouting or Spanking, Jerry Wyckoff
-One Hundred One Alternatives to Nagging, Yelling or Spanking, Alvin Price
We are responsible:
“Those who ignore the past are condemned to repeat it.” –Sartre
“We are not only responsible for what we do, but also, for that what we don’t do.” —Voltaire
“The worst way you can choose is to choose no way at all.” —Friedrich II
“Every choice we make, every thought and feeling we have, is an act of power that has biological, environmental, social, personal and global consequences.” —Caroline Myss
It is time to do whatever you can to stop the sanctioned and barbaric practice of child abuse—in the guise of Biblical command.
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Alone and afraid
Question:
It started at 13 when I arrived at the park that I hung out at every year. A boy that I had been attracted to for years wanted to spend time with me by talking under one of the trees next to the picnic area. He asked different things about my life including questions about sex. When he asked me if I had ever had sex I told him yes because I did not what to seem inexperienced and childish. About 4 hours later, after hanging out with about 10 of our other friends, in the first 'park reunion' of the year, he asked if anyone wanted to go see the infamous house in the woods. I said that I would like to go (I had never seen it) but everyone else wanted to hang out at the park. I had known this boy for about 8 years (he was a friend of the family) and thought it might be a good chance for us to maybe start dating. When he kept leading me farther and farther into the woods I told him I was tired and asked how much farther it was going to be. He told me we could sit down and rest if I wanted to. We found a small clearing and began to sit down. He pulled out a knife and told me to take off my pants. He kept telling me that he would not rape me if I did so. I was so scared that this made sense to me. I did as he said. He knocked my legs out from under me and held the knife to my ear as he stabbed at me with his penis. In fact, he ripped me a new hole (to this day I still have my virginity loop that is on one side as a horrific reminder, especially when asked about by other partners).
As I mentioned this boy was a friend of the family and I knew exposing what had happened would only cause grief for me and my family (the police in the area were not know for their helpfulness). I did not tell anyone except for my best friend about what had happened. She helped me not to dwell on it by trying to distract me with other things and by confirming that she did not think my life would improve any with exposing him. I almost gave in anyway when I found out that my mother had invited him to dinner a few days later. She wanted to surprise me (since she knew I liked him) and did not tell me. I opened the door that evening to find him on the front porch as my mother yelled surprise. We ate an uneventful dinner together until he asked my mother if he could take me out for the evening. I immediately began kicking her under the table, but she said yes before I could stop her. After dinner I convinced her to tell him that I could not go because I was grounded (which was difficult to do without telling her why I had this sudden change of heart- but I called in a favor and told her I would explain later).
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How To Protect Yourself From AIDS
About HIV And AIDS
AIDS is a disease that can be deadly. It is caused by a virus called HIV.
The most common ways to get AIDS are:
* having sex with a person who has HIV or AIDS
* sharing drug needles with someone who has HIV or AIDS.
You can also get HIV from a blood transfusion, if the HIV is in the blood. But that is rare. Strict rules about who can donate blood and tests on donated blood make transfusions very safe.
You cannot get HIV by donating blood. You cannot get HIV just by being in the same room with an infected person, or just by shaking hands or hugging an infected person.
In the last few years, AIDS has increased most among women, blacks, and Hispanics.
Sex, Condoms, And AIDS
If you or your partner has had sex with someone else, you both could get AIDS.
In the United States, women are more likely to get HIV from men than the other way around. Latex condoms are the best way to keep from getting HIV during sex. If you or your partner is allergic to latex, there are condoms made of polyurethane that can protect against HIV, too.
But natural membrane condoms, also called lambskin condoms, do not prevent HIV because the virus can pass through them.
If a man can't or won't use a condom, a woman can use the Reality female condom. It may protect against HIV, but it's not as good as the latex condom a man uses. Do not use a Reality female condom along with a male condom. Both condoms will not stay in place when used together.
Latex and polyurethane condoms are the only birth control products that protect against HIV. So even if you're using another kind of birth control -- like the Pill, IUD, cervical cap, Norplant, Depo-Provera, or diaphragm -- the man must still use a condom if you want protection against HIV.
Find Out If You Have HIV
You can find out if you have HIV at home with a test kit available at drugstores without a doctor's prescription. To use the test, you prick your finger to get a blood sample. Then you send the sample to the address given in the directions. You don't have to give your name. Be aware, though, that other tests, sometimes called rapid HIV test kits, have been advertised and sold over the Internet and elsewhere. These kits do not require you to send the tests to a lab. The FDA has not approved these tests and they may not be accurate.
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Sexual Assault Safety Tips
Sexual Assault: Safety Tips
Rape and sexual assault are not just a women' problem. Nor are they something that happens to someone else or somewhere else. Sexual assault happens everywhere, everyday and every minute to women and men of all ages.
Did You Know That?
* 1 in 4 college women have been the victims of rape or attempted rape.
* 90% of the victims know their assailants.
* 1 in 12 men admit to having fulfilled the legal definition of rape.
* 85% or more of sexual assaults involve alcohol.
Many rapes and other forms of sexual exploitation might be prevented if college women and men are educated about the problem and learn effective prevention strategies. Because rape is everyone' problem, we can only solve it through the efforts of women and men working together. Take the time now to learn the facts about rape and what you can do.
Protecting Against Sexual Assault
Follow these Tips:
* Practice good personal safety habits. Protect yourself from stranger crime and always lock your door when home or away. Don't admit anyone into your residence hall. Report any suspicious persons or activity to University Police. Call for a walking escort when you are without one, extension 2022.
* Know your sexual intentions and limits. You have a right to say "NO" to any unwanted sexual contact.
* Communicate your limits verbally. Don?t assume the other person knows your feelings or will get the message from your body language.
* Listen to your gut feelings. If you feel uncomfortable or threatened, leave the situation and go to a safe place.
* Attend social activities with friends. Agree to look out for one another and leave as a group.
* Eliminate or limit your alcohol intake. It interferes with your ability to communicate your limits and identify risky situations.
* No one deserves to be raped. Know that the effects can be overwhelming. Feelings of guilt, fear and confusion are common. There are many resources available to support you and help you explore your options.
Date Rape Drugs
Royhypnol ("Roofies"), GHB and other drugs increase the risk of sexual assault when slipped into a drink these drugs are colorless, odorless, and tasteless. The effects happen within 15 to 30 minutes and can last for hours. Effects can include dizziness, feeling intoxicated, sleepiness and amnesia like symptoms.
Take precautions to protect yourself against these drugs:
* Only drink from un-opened containers or drinks you've seen poured.
* Never leave your drink unattended.
* Avoid group drinks like punch bowls.
If you feel really tired or really drunk and don't know why, you may be feeling the effects of a drug. Tell a friend and get to a safe place
Protecting Against Accusations of Sexual Assault
* Listen carefully. If you are receiving an unclear message, ask for clarification.
* When you hear "NO" believe it and STOP.
* Assume silence means "NO" and STOP.
* Don?t assume that if someone agrees to kissing, etc. that the person is willing to have further sexual contact.
* Know that having sexual contact with someone who is mentally or physically incapable of giving consent is a crime. (This includes intoxicated persons.)
Dating From the Inside Out
by Susan S. Davis
Relationship Components
If you ask any relationship counselor or therapist, most would agree that the foundation of any good romantic relationship includes:
1) Passion
2) Commitment
3) Intimacy
4) Love
While passion is usually thought to be physical affection or sex, the strongest type of passion often originates from a strong desire to be with another person, rather than simply a physical connection or attraction, which is why its power cannot easily be measured.
Commitment is often thought to be both emotional and intellectual devotion to the relationship. Intimacy, which is often confused with sex, is actually more of a sense of feeling close and connected, on a spiritual rather than strictly physical level. This is why, lacking any cerebral dedication, some people can engage in casual sexual activity and then so easily abandon any involvement with a particular person.
Commitment, in actuality, often involves a sense of welfare for a partner, desiring happiness for them and respect, while being able to count on the other in times of need. It also includes mutual understanding, sharing, talking intimately, giving emotional support, valuing the other, and finding the partner to be predictable and trustworthy.
Love or Lust
Love may be thought of as a warm emotional feeling for a partner, in which the bonding force of the relationship encompasses passion, commitment and intimacy. Just thinking about a person can trigger an influx of positive sensations of varying physical, emotional and spiritual kinds.
Sexual chemistry is an important component in many relationships, some more than others. It’s important to realize that, in the long term, there may come a time when that bright physical excitement that carried you along fades a little, tapers off more than you would have liked, or even vanishes. While there are remedies for these situations, it still bears to question, where does that leave you? If that was all that your relationship consisted of, you may begin to feel the lack of the other components, such as having some similar interests, life goals and values.
Of course, other things interact with the four components mentioned above, such as similarity, predictability, attraction, personal needs and family concerns, and, of course mutuality. But without the foundation of those four components to some degree, all of the other issues such as religion, location, friendship, common interests, hobbies, life style, age, children, philosophies and general values won’t be worth evaluating. In order to truly partner with someone, on any level, the issues that are most important to both parties must be confronted and dealt with to each person’s satisfaction.
On the issue of children, another aspect to consider is the raising of them. It’s all fine and good to “want children,” but the subject is much deeper than that. This is where areas such as religion, number of children, how they will be raised in terms of general philosophy, including things such as capital punishment, and in what situations, is very important to be clear on before having them.
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The following article appeared in the May 2001 edition of Top Santé Magazine (a major UK glossy). It does a pretty good job of telling my story of depression and recovery. So, for those of you who want more of the gory details . . . read on!
. . . . . . . . . .
How I beat depression
After 15 years of debilitating depression, Gillian Pearce, 43, finally found help. In her moving story, she reveals how she fought her illness and started believing life really is worth living after all...
Looking back, I think I'd been depressed to some extent for a very long time. But it was only five years ago, in my late 30s, that I was able to put a name to my emotions. Everyone gets low moods, so I assumed that was all I was feeling. It wasn't until I was diagnosed with clinical depression and took antidepressants for the first time that the world looked different and I wondered why I'd struggled on for so many years.
Until then, life often seemed pointless. I felt awful, miserable and hopeless. Worse still, I didn't seem able to do anything about it and thought feeling bad was my own fault because I didn't try hard enough to be happy. I'd describe what I was going through as a living death. I got no pleasure or enjoyment from life. I felt numb inside and so lonely.
. . . . . . . . . .
When I was really low, I'd spend days in bed, unable to face life at all. Sleeping was a blessed relief: being unconscious was the only way to escape from how awful I was feeling. I thought about suicide, too, and would get relief from planning how I'd do it: I'd tidy the house, then take some tablets, go to sleep and never wake up.
I never actually tried it, though. There was always a part of me that would never leave Rebecca, my daughter, who was a toddler when I had my first real bout of depression. It began when her father left me for another woman when Rebecca was just two weeks old. I was 29 and my dreams lay in tatters: I realised it wasn't going to be the happy family scenario I'd imagined. I was devastated, but somehow managed to carry on as normal, holding down a demanding job as an occupational psychologist and hiding what I was feeling from my clients, colleagues, friends and family.
However, I did want my life to change, so I gave up my job, sold my house and moved to America with Rebecca to do a personal development course. But 18 months after my husband left me, my father died unexpectedly of a pulmonary embolism following an operation to have a gallstone removed. It was the final straw. I was close to my dad and when he died I really lost it. Life seemed hopeless. Only Rebecca kept me going. If it hadn't been for her, I wouldn't have bothered to get out of bed at all.
I did try to change things. I studied lots of New Age ideas such as rebirthing - looking for something that would make sense of my life. And I travelled, too, taking Rebecca backpacking with me around the world for a year when she was five. But I still had long periods where everything seemed pointless.
Even when I got together with my partner John, whom I first met when we were travelling the world eight years ago, the depression didn't lift. But he was great to be with, he accepted how I felt and was always there to comfort me when I was upset.
. . . . . . . . . .
By now, I'd realised I was a depressive person. But I didn't think I was actually depressed even though I had a degree in psychology, had worked as an occupational psychologist and knew better than most what the signs of depression are. To me life simply carried on and John and I had a baby boy, Prentice.
Then one day five years ago, when Prentice was still a baby I was having coffee with a friend. She told me she'd felt so down one morning she'd hardly been able to get up. When I told her I'd felt like that most mornings for years, she was amazed. We spoke for hours and she advised me to see my doctor.
Fortunately, this conversation turned out to be the one that changed my life. It gave me the courage to finally see my GP, even though deep down I still thought I should be the one to change things - not a doctor or medication. At my first appointment, I wept as I told the doctor how I'd been feeling. She was sympathetic and after diagnosing clinical depression, discussed the types of antidepressants available. I opted for Prozac and started to feel better after only a few weeks. It didn't make me desperately happy, but things became less bleak.
. . . . . . . . . .
When I was depressed I felt like I was at the bottom of a pit and there was no way out. The difference Prozac made was that I was still in the pit, but I didn't mind any more. Being diagnosed with clinical depression helped because I was able to say, "I have an illness. That explains the way I'm feeling." But a part of me still felt I was using it as an excuse for how I was feeling and that I should really sort it out myself. That's why I took myself off the Prozac after three months, much earlier than the doctor had recommended.
I now see it was a mistake because within a few months I was back to square one. After a false start, I faced up to the fact that I needed to start taking medication again, but it wasn't easy. I had a real sense of failure and disappointment when I started feeling depressed again I thought, "What's the point of taking antidepressants if I'm always going to end up like this." I felt as if a promise had been snatched away from me.
As before, the antidepressants made me feel better and this time I stayed on them. I also educated myself about my illness and through knowing more about it I've been able to tackle it better. Training to become a life coach, which involved being coached myself, also helped me realise I'm not to blame for my illness.
. . . . . . . . . .
John and the children have been marvellous throughout, giving me loads of support when I felt really low, and encouraging me when I felt better. I guess for them, living with me was a bit like being on a rollercoaster ride, with them never really knowing when the highs and lows were going to come.
People often ask me whether my daughter Rebecca has been affected by my depression and I can honestly say she hasn't. She's never picked up on the fact that I've been unwell and has such a sunny personality. In fact, I've often wished I could be more like her.
I've been off medication for a year and feel fine at the moment. There's always a danger the depression could return but if this happens, I know what to do and feel confident I can cope with it. I won't let it steal my life again
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Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
Post-traumatic stress disorder affects men and women all over the world. It is a psychiatric disorder that occurs after life-threatening, or violent events and prevents people from living happy and fulfilling lives. Once thought of as only a wartime disorder, it is now recognized that PTSD can affect anyone who has gone through a particularly traumatizing event. In fact, more than 5 million American men and women are currently affected by the disorder.
What is PTSD?
Post-traumatic stress disorder has been around for a long time. In fact, it was first recorded as Da Costa’s syndrome during the American Civil War. Usually associated with military service, PTSD is also called "shell shock" and "battle fatigue." But it doesn’t only affect war veterans - it can also affect civilian men, women, and children who have experienced particularly traumatic events.
PTSD occurs after a distressing event, like war, terrorism, torture, natural disasters, accidents, violence, or rape. Usually the disorder begins within three months of this experience, although the disorder can take years to appear in some cases. Common PTSD effects include extreme fear, depression, and anxiety. Generally, post-traumatic stress lasts only for a short period (6 months) but in some cases the disorder can become chronic and last for years.
Post-traumatic stress affects both men and women, and can affect children as well. Women are much more likely to suffer from the disorder though – of those women exposed to a traumatic event, 20% will exhibit symptoms of PTSD, and 30% of those women will develop chronic post-traumatic stress disorder.
What Causes PTSD?
Post-traumatic stress disorder is caused by a traumatic event. However, there may be other causes of PTSD. In some cases, the sufferer may have been predisposed to development of the disorder before this event occurred. Men and women with a history of drug or alcohol abuse, experiences of childhood physical abuse or neglect, or who have previously experienced sexual abuse, unwanted sexual contact, or rape are more likely to develop PTSD. It appears that these experiences can change the chemical balance of your brain, altering your perceptions of fear and anxiety. This may put you at a higher risk of developing post-traumatic stress.
Symptoms of PTSD
PTSD symptoms are numerous and can sometimes be confused with other mental ailments. It is important not to hide your symptoms or deny them in any way, as this can interfere with diagnosis. There are three categories of symptoms associated with the disorder: intrusion, avoidance, and hyperarousal symptoms.
Intrusion: Intrusion symptoms arrive suddenly and occur when memories of the past event invade your current life. The most common intrusion symptom is the flashback. Flashbacks are vivid memories that can be triggered by sights, smells, or sounds, and cause you to relive the traumatic experience over and over again. These flashbacks can seem very real and are often detailed and filled with emotion. Another intrusion symptom is the nightmare, which can occur unexpectedly, causing extreme anxiety and fear.
Avoidance: Avoidance symptoms describe a sufferer’s unconscious attempts to prevent remembering anything to do with the traumatic event. These signs of post-traumatic stress disorder often interfere with family relationships, marriages, and careers. You may avoid being with family and friends in order to hide your illness. You may experience an overall feeling of numbness. You may alternate between feelings of intense emotion and simply no emotion at all. Consciously and unconsciously you will avoid reminders of the traumatic events in order to escape flashbacks. Depression is often an avoidance symptom.
Hyperarousal: Hyperarousal symptoms are the result of stimulated nerves and hormones. You may experience severe insomnia, trouble remembering the entire traumatic event, and difficulty concentrating. You may experience irritability or explosions of emotion for no apparent reason and more frequent startling responses.
Physical symptoms are often part of the PTSD syndrome, as well. Headaches, stomach problems, dizziness, and chest pain are all commonly experienced by sufferers of the disorder. You may also experience nausea, diarrhea, skin problems, rapid heart beat, and high blood pressure.
Types of PTSD
There are four main types of post-traumatic stress disorder. All involve the same symptoms and are only differentiated by the length of time your symptoms have been manifested.
Acute Stress Disorder: Acute stress disorder is diagnosed when symptoms occur within four weeks of the traumatic event and last for more than 2 days, but less than 4 weeks.
Acute Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder: Acute post-traumatic stress disorder is diagnosed when symptoms last for more than four weeks.
Delayed Onset Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder: This form of the disorder may not appear until years after the initial traumatic experience.
Chronic Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder: This form of PTSD is diagnosed when symptoms last for more than 90 days. You will likely experience lapses in symptoms for a number of days or weeks in a row, but your symptoms will always return.
Complications Associated with PTSD
Post-traumatic stress disorder can cause a host of problems if it is not dealt with promptly and effectively. Most commonly, PTSD can cause other psychiatric problems including major depression, panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, eating disorders, and agoraphobia. Post-traumatic stress disorder frequently leads to substance abuse problems, including alcoholism and drug abuse.
About Trauma
This page briefly summarizes some of what we know about traumatic symptoms and responses, and includes links describing PTSD symptoms and coping strategies. Other links lead to more research-oriented issues, such as measuring treatment efficacy, etc. Succeeding pages at this site provide additional links to more detailed references, online articles, and web resources helpful in understanding trauma responses and treatment.
Traumatic experiences shake the foundations of our beliefs about safety, and shatter our assumptions of trust.
Because they are so far outside what we would expect, these events provoke reactions that feel strange and "crazy". Perhaps the most helpful thing I can say here is that even though these reactions are unusual and disturbing, they are typical and expectable. By and large, these are normal responses to abnormal events.
Trauma symptoms are probably adaptive, and originally evolved to help us recognize and avoid other dangerous situations quickly -- before it was too late. Sometimes these symptoms resolve within a few days or weeks of a disturbing experience: Not everyone who experiences a traumatic event will develop PTSD. It is when many symptoms persist for weeks or months, or when they are extreme, that professional help may be indicated. On the other hand, if symptoms persist for several months without treatment, then avoidance can become the best available method to cope with the trauma -- and this strategy interferes with seeking professional help. Postponing needed intervention for a year or more, and allowing avoidance defenses to develop, could make this work much more difficult.
We create meaning out of the context in which events occur. Consequently, there is always a strong subjective component in people's responses to traumatic events. This can be seen most clearly in disasters, where a broad cross-section of the population is exposed to objectively the same traumatic experience. Some of the individual differences in susceptibility to PTSD following trauma probably stem from temperament, others from prior history and its effect on this subjectivity.
Traumatic experiences shake
the foundations of our beliefs
about safety, and shatter our
assumptions of trust
In the "purest" sense, trauma involves exposure to a life-threatening experience. This fits with its phylogenetic roots in life-or-death issues of survival, and with the involvement of older brain structures (e.g., reptilian or limbic system) in responses to stress and terror. Yet, many individuals exposed to violations by people or institutions they must depend on or trust also show PTSD-like symptoms -- even if their abuse was not directly life-threatening. Although the mechanisms of this connection to traumatic symptoms are not well understood, it appears that betrayal by someone on whom you depend for survival (as a child on a parent) may produce consequences similar to those from more obviously life-threatening traumas. Examples include some physically or sexually abused children as well as Vietnam veterans, but monkeys also show a sense of fairness, so our sensitivity to betrayal may not be limited to humans. Experience of betrayal trauma may increase the likelihood of psychogenic amnesia, as compared to fear-based trauma. Forgetting may help maintain necessary attachments (e.g., during childhood), improving chances for survival; if so, this has far-reaching theoretical implications for psychological research. Of course, some traumas include elements of betrayal and fear; perhaps all involve feelings of helplessness.
TopPTSD Symptoms
Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is the most common diagnostic category used to describe symptoms arising from emotionally traumatic experience(s). This disorder presumes that the person experienced a traumatic event involving actual or threatened death or injury to themselves or others -- and where they felt fear, helplessness or horror. Three additional symptom clusters, if they persist for more than a month after the traumatic event and cause clinically significant distress or impairment, make up the diagnostic criteria.
Trauma symptoms are probably
adaptive, and originally evolved
to help us recognize and avoid
dangerous situations
The three main symptom clusters in PTSD are: Intrusions, such as flashbacks or nightmares, where the traumatic event is re-experienced. Avoidance, when the person tries to reduce exposure to people or things that might bring on their intrusive symptoms. And Hyperarousal, meaning physiologic signs of increased arousal, such as hyper vigilance or increased startle response. The actual symptoms used in the United States are described in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or DSM. The most current version of the DSM is the Fourth Edition, Text Revision (DSM-IV-TR), published in June 2000 by the American Psychiatric Association (DSM-IV-TR; 2000). The DSM-V is not expected to appear until 2011, or later. Similar symptoms (from the 1994 edition, DSM-IV) are summarized here and here. Coding issues and changes in the DSM-IV-TR version are described here . If a traumatic event occurred recently, then an individual might suffer from Acute Stress Disorder, which involves symptoms similar to PTSD but without the one month duration requirement. An alternative classification system, the World Health Organization's International Classification of Diseases, or ICD-10, uses a comparable but somewhat different symptom summary.
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Introduction to Tips and Advice for Couples
This is not a porn site. It focuses on improving intimacy between couples.
Purpose
This site is designed to give all sorts of intimate ideas, details, and council for couples who enjoy or want to enjoy intimacy. Some of the areas are somewhat graphic and intended for an adult audience (age 18 and up).
Many people get bored or have never enjoyed making love. Some are looking to try new things and some are just starting out. This site is intended to help couples grow closer through intimate interactions.
Site Index
Sex can be one of the most enjoyable aspects of a couple's relationship. It can also be one of the worst. Couples need to learn and experiment while staying in the bounds of each other's limits.
* Advice for Men - This article focuses on what men should do to satisfy their woman.
* Advice for Women - This article focuses on making a man satisfied.
* Romantic Stories - Here are some fantasies that may help get you and your partner aroused.
* Sexual Positions - Learn different ways of having sex - including diagrams.
* Links - Here are some other resources to help you in your intimate interactions.
Conquering the Opposite Sex
Men and women are different in what they need and what they seek when pursuing intimacy. Although there are similarities, over all there are different approaches that should be tried when seeking a love making session.
Enjoyable Intimacy
Sex is a component of marriage that can greatly change the closeness of one spouse to the other. Couples feel close and can have many adventures when they search out ways to make time and have energy for each other. It is a great feeling to know that the one you love has spent hours thinking of how to make an evening or event special and they carry through with their idea. It is also wonderful to have reciprocation when someone has spent time and thought to create such an opportunity.
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Fair Fighting is Lovework
By Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and James Sniechowski, Ph.D.
The following is an abridged excerpt from Chapter 9 of The New Intimacy: Discovering the Magic at the Heart of Your Differences and reprinted with permission. For more extensive explanation of their nine-step conflict resolution process, which they call Conscious Creativity, you might want to get a copy of their book (Renaissance/St. Martin's Press, 2001).
Fair fighting is lovework—a fierce expression of love for yourself and your partner. Given that, there are very specific commitments you and your partner can make, before and during a fight, that will assure that you are doing lovework instead of doing damage. Remember, every fight is like a flare, an S.O.S. drawing your attention to what needs healing.
1. Your purpose is to find a mutually respectful resolution
During a fight, frustrations are high. Voices are loud. Vision is clouded, even distorted. Both of you can feel unseen, unheard, and unappreciated. That's the time to remember you do love one another, that the point of the conflict is to make sure neither of you sabotages your love by putting up with less than your love deserves. The purpose of a fight is to reconcile your differences and dissolve the distance between you.
2. Remember, you're only human
You're both feeling vulnerable. And, no matter how things appear, you both feel threatened, otherwise there would not be a fight. Since you both are feeling very fragile, it is essential that, even when your hot buttons are pushed, you can count on the fact that you both truly care for each other and that your connection is still there.
3. Sometimes a fight is necessary
Fair fighting is always about getting your grievances out in the open. It's a way of saying, "I'm completely committed to our relationship and I won't let this particular problem continue." You're fighting to stay fully alive, to continue to grow and develop with one another. When you both know this, you will know that a fair fight is a godsend -- an alarm calling you to put out the fire.
4. Both of you are being powerful
In a fair fight, no one is victimized. Whether you're yelling or silent, weeping or walking around the room, insistent or seeking—you are exerting a powerful effect on your partner. The fact that the fight continues is proof of your influence. Even though you may not feel like it, you are having an impact. You have to stay conscious of that.
5. Every fight is CO-created
In a fair fight, you both have to take responsibility for your participation in what created the conflict and what you are doing to resolve it. Whether you raised the complaint, or you are feeling defensive, criticized, whatever, it takes both of you to make a fight. Even when you're angry, threatened, shut down, you still make choices. You are always part of the process.
6. Don't harbor discontent
Commit to speaking your desire and need, dissatisfaction and hurt, as soon as you possibly can. What you keep secret acts like rust and fungus, coat hangers and the stuff in your garage. It keeps growing in the dark. It extends its contagion into more and more areas of your relationship until there is no more room for love.
7. Stay on point
Hash out only one thing at a time. Nothing is more maddening, confusing and ultimately enraging than jumping from point to point, obscuring the problem, making it very difficult, if not impossible, to achieve any kind of resolution. Fighting is serious business. It strengthens and deepens your connection. Give it your best effort. It's lovework.
8. Don't drag up past complaints
Since we all have some trouble keeping the emotional slate clean, it's very easy for the small stuff, and even the big stuff, that gets ignored to fester into buried land mines. And then, in the middle of a conflict, you feel desperate and all that old resentment comes flying out with something like, "Well, do you remember when you...?" Unless your spouse is strong enough to remind you that dragging up the past is out of line, suddenly the fight veers out of control and becomes lethal. After a few more do-you-remember-whens, neither of you even knows what you're fighting about. Then you're liable to throw anything into the mess.
9. Stay out of your individual history
As a basic rule of thumb, you can assume that anger has to do with what's happening in current time. In contrast, rage is like old, dammed-up water. When it's triggered by something, when your buttons are pushed, the dam bursts and rage rushes forth seeking revenge.
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